#at least i have enough time to reread this without rushing

[navybrat817]

why is Thunderbolts Bucky so 🥵🥵🥵 please eat me up

I agree, nonnie!

Eat You Up

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader

Summary: Bucky comes home after a mission and wastes no time making up for the time apart.

Word Count: Over 1.7k

Warnings: Established relationship, oral sex (f. receiving), light dirty talk, mention of cockwarming, slight feels (it's me), Bucky Barnes (he's a warning, okay?).

A/N: Sorry, lovelies. I was inspired. Not beta read and written on my phone, so any and all mistakes are my own. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Comments, reblogs, feedback are loved and appreciated!

“Just landed. Safe and sound. Tough mission, but successful. Missed you. Be home soon.”

You reread the message, your heart rate picking up. Bucky had been away on a mission for a few days and couldn't reach out much. God, you missed him so much. Knowing now that your man would be home soon where he belonged, you let out a breath of relief and smiled.

You rushed to your bedroom and wasted no time getting ready for his arrival. The message was to the point: He was safe and sound, no injuries, and a tough mission meant he’d need some stress relief. Why not let him play with the person he missed most?

Your heart raced when you heard the footsteps outside of the bedroom door, waiting in anticipation in the middle of the bed. In a few moments, you two would reconnect. Being without him in your home for a few days left you longing. You missed his smile. His dry humor. The sight of him reading a book in his favorite chair. You missed all of him.

Bucky slowly pushed the door open, and you lost your breath when he met your gaze. The heat in the room spiked, but you shivered, your body suddenly feeling cold after days without his touch. His massive build took up most of the doorframe and he was still in his black tactical gear, a fingerless glove covering his right hand. Your beautiful soldier looked like he was still on a mission, his shoulders tight and jaw clenched.

And you didn't have a stitch of clothing on, your legs open and ready for him to do whatever he wanted.

His eyes darkened as they scanned your body, his breathing ragged. Whether it was from the mission or the relief of being back with you, the tension thickened in the air. His gaze paused at the juncture between your legs, his breath catching as he took in the sight of you, before he growled, “Look at you. Such a sight to come home to.” Stepping forward, his voice thick with desire, he added, “I could just eat you up.”

The room seemed to shrink as he stepped closer. His eyes never left you as he closed the distance, his gaze filled with adoration and hunger, his presence overwhelming. Everything about him was overwhelming in the best possible way. Your heart raced as he crawled on the bed, but you didn’t flinch. You were ready for him.

“If that's what you need, Sergeant,” you breathed, a teasing challenge in your smile. He exhaled sharply as you slid a hand down your torso, his chest rising and falling faster, as if he was holding himself back from taking you right then and there. “Then you'll get it.”

You could handle whatever he craved... and more. Maybe you'd make him beg for it for once the way you begged so many times before. No. You wouldn't be cruel enough to make him beg. At least not tonight. Not when you both needed it.

“Trying to touch what’s mine?” He grabbed your wrist before your fingers could reach home, your skin warm under his gentle grip. He was one of the most powerful men you knew, someone with enough strength to rip you in half if he wished, but he would never use his strength to hurt you. “You miss me?” The ache in his voice was more than desire. It was longing.

“I won't touch. It’s all yours.” Your chest tightened when he released your wrist, your eyes suddenly burning with unshed tears, your hands itching to feel his body and know for certain he was really there with you. “I always miss you when you're gone.”

You didn't like eating meals alone now since you had come to expect easy and tough conversations as the two of you moved around the kitchen and sat at the table. You enjoyed exploring your surroundings together, but craved nights cuddled up together on the couch as the television played in the background. Building a home with the ex-assassin was a dream come true.

He hovered over you and tilted your chin, giving you a second to take a breath, before he leaned down and claimed your mouth in a feverish kiss. The ferocity made you gasp, your arms wrapping around him to hold him close. Your nipples brushed against his shirt as you deepened the kiss, desperate and needy. The kiss was a promise, expressing everything you wanted to say before the night was over.

That you loved him, that he was all you needed, that your house was a home because he was back with you.

His hair fell in his face as he broke the kiss and moved his gloved hand between your legs. You mewled when he teased your slit, his stare as seductive as his touch. You rolled your hips up, seeking out more friction, wanting him to make good on his promise to eat you up.

“I missed you,” he whispered, gliding down your body with the grace of a large cat. The muscles in his back rippled as his shoulders spread you open for him, your hands gripping the sheets to keep you from grinding against his face. “And I missed this. Your taste. Your smell. Your sounds.”

You whimpered when his nose brushed your clit. “Bucky, please,” you begged, his hands taking hold of your hips and digging in. And here you thought neither of you would beg tonight.

But Bucky Barnes wasn't a heartless man. He showed mercy when he had to, which was why he took pity and licked a stripe up your pussy with a groan. Flames spread along your body as you threw your head back and moved your hands to grip his hair. He ate pussy skillfully, effortlessly, and all you could do was hold on and ride out the waves of ecstasy.

“Good girl. So beautiful. And all mine,” he murmured before he shoved his tongue inside your hole, your eyes rolling back and mouth parting. Your super soldier had his head buried between your legs like he never wanted to leave.

“I… Oh, fuck!” you cried, his gloved hand reaching up to toy with your breast. His fingers teased your nipple, his metal thumb rubbing your clit, and you couldn't stop yourself from pushing your hips closer. You had no shame in humping his face as his tongue moved along your sensitive walls, his beard leaving the most delicious burn with each movement.

And if you smothered your lover with your cunt tonight, he’d proudly saunter up to the gates of whatever heaven you sent him to with a smile.

He pulled his tongue out, his mouth sucking on the swollen bundle of nerves as your thighs trembled. You lifted your head high enough to catch the feral look in his eyes. Pleasure climbed within you so quickly it left you dizzy. “Such a pretty pussy. Should write poems about it.”

“Oh, God,” you moaned, your head falling back again, heat filling your body.

“My name,” he growled, pushing two metal fingers into your wetness and pumping fast, knowing you wouldn't last much longer. You were right on the edge, ready to fall. He’d be there to catch you. “Say my name when you come.”

You didn't say his name as his tongue entered you once more. You shouted it, chanted it like a prayer, and soaked his mouth with your juices. He moaned as you fluttered around his tongue, and he continued to lap at you, trying to drink down every drop. He swept you up in waves of bliss and you were lucky you didn't drown.

Sparks still burst behind your eyes as he sat back to admire his work, making you clench around nothing as he licked his lips. You held out your arms with a whine, needing him close once again as you came back to yourself. He stretched out on top of you and pressed a soft kiss to your lips, your essence lingering on his. Your hands roamed where they could reach and it sent a thrill through you when he moaned.

“Hi,” he whispered after a moment, smiling and making your heart pound all over again.

“Hi,” you sighed, shutting your eyes and smiling, too, when he kissed each eyelid. You were lucky enough to witness this soft side of him, trusted enough for him to be vulnerable.

“You okay?” He kissed your forehead this time.

“Better than okay. You’re home,” you replied, breathing him in before you opened your eyes. Your heart stopped momentarily under his soft gaze. “Are you okay?”

He was the one out there fighting to keep the world safe. Not only that, he still fought the demons of his past from time to time. It wasn't fair, but you were there to help as you could.

“I’m good, doll. I’m home. Everything I need is right here,” he said, rocking his hips. You moaned when you felt how hard he was through his pants. He deserved to feel good. “And we have some lost time to make up for, so no falling asleep on me.”

“Lost time? It was only a few days,” you teased, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear when he huffed.

“A few days too many,” he said, not teasing at all as he leaned up to unbuckle his belt. “Drives me crazy being apart from you.” He would never leave you if he didn't have to.

“I know. I was just teasing. We can make up for every second you were away,” you assured him, knowing he wasn't done with you tonight by a long shot. You were fine with that since you wanted him just as badly as he wanted you. “Bucky?”

He paused before he could push his pants down. “Yeah, doll?”

You traced a heart on his forehead, wanting to erase the pain he endured and replace it with only good things. “I love you.”

He blinked the mist from his eyes and leaned down, pressing his forehead to yours. “I love you, too.”

When you finally fell asleep the following morning with his cock buried deep inside you, he whispered again that he loved you and that he couldn't wait to eat you up all over again once you woke up.

That's two back-to-back Bucky fics in a little over 29 hours from me with him being in love and not afraid to eat you like his last meal. 😂 Are you lovelies sick of me by now? I hope not. Love and thanks for reading! ❤️

Masterlist ⚓ Bucky Barnes Masterlist ⚓ Ko-Fi

[becausebuckley]

michelle's buddie fic recs: week 18!

in which i continue to ignore pretty much any and all 8x14-16 content and spent an impressive amount of time procrastinating. it's been a Week for sure. enjoy the fics!

this is a mix of fics with all ratings, so some include NSFW content. please take a look at both the ratings and the fic tags before reading! some contain spoilers for season 8.

if you come across something you like in this list, remember to show some love to the author by leaving kudos and a comment!

begin, then begin again | walkingthroughwindows | 7.4k | E

a fic about them relaxing enough to give each other what they already know they need. i love how this captures both buck and eddie!! so in character, and such lovely hurt/comfort <3

can't leave me alone | 42hrb/@exhuastedpigeon | 3.4k | E

“The DMV didn’t have a line,” Eddie says again, taking a step into the room instead of turning around like Buck is expecting him too. If Eddie leaves Buck can take the dildo out of his ass and they can maybe pretend this never happened, or at the very least ignore it for 6 to 12 months, until it’s funny to joke about. such a delight!! so hot, so beautifully written, just perfect!!

divide, conquer and propose? | yimooyi | 3k | GA

Eddie proposes to Buck in Stardew Valley co-op. Buck panics. this is so cute!! i love stardew valley and i love buckett and eds and i love this <3

i wanna be tied tied tied to your apron strings | sibylsleaves/@eddiesprius | 3.2k | E

Buck knows, okay. He doesn’t quite understand it, but he knows. Something about him in an apron turns Eddie into some kind of crazed sex fiend, desperate for Buck’s attention the way Buck usually feels desperate for his. buck wearing nothing but an apron is a vision and i'm so here for it!! love how this captures their dynamic!

in pursuit of good health | lightyears/@bisexualbellamyblake | 6.7k | M

Eddie and Buck start platonically kissing. i saw the summary for this fic and just went yeah you know what these are EXACTLY the type of idiots that would decide to kiss for health benefits lmao. such a wonderful premise for a lovely, lovely fic!!

invisible string, tying you to me | Bexism/@bexism | 17.6k | E

the one where buck and eddie's bodies are linked and they end up sharing injuries and... other things. i love a good body linking fic and this one is just brilliant!! i love the descriptions of how buck and eddie are linked, especially for those other things <3

lover, be good to me | midnights/@roosterseresin | 7.7k | E

in which oranges are picked, muffins are made, and lazy morning sex is had. this fic has the hottest smut but it's also so soft and sweet!! it just has that spring morning vibe, you know? just lovely <3

soy una vela prendida por ti | pairofraggedclaws/@pairofraggedclaws | 8.9k | E

“You cannot mean what I think you mean,” Eddie says. “For old time’s sake!” Buck says. “To remember how it all started.” He kisses Eddie’s hand again. this is part two in a series and part one is also excellent!! such hot fun sweet fics, both of them <3

symbiosis | mandolare/@rainscenes | 9k | E

Buck and Eddie get blackout drunk, and then learn something new about themselves. And each other. i LOVE a good tattoo fic and the premise of this one is just <3 so hot, so very them!!

the rush of slumber party kissing | butchdiaz/@butchdiaz | 3.3k | E

“Okay, Uh—“ he racks his brain for something else Buck has done that he hasn’t. “Never have I ever kissed a man.” Buck doesn't put his finger down, just cocks his head curiously. “Damn, six months without even a kiss, no wonder Tommy left.” Eddie mutters half under his breath. It causes Buck to snap out of his daze and give him a half-hearted middle finger. He’s still thinking, though, eyebrows scrunched together in that adorable way they used to whenever he tried to help Chris with his elementary school math homework. “What, Buck?” “Never?” Buck asks. this was a reread! i love how this captures eddie especially and the dialogue feels so true to character!! so good <3

tomorrow i'll be brave (you make me brave) | serenelystrange/@serenelystrange | 16.9k | T

In which Buck’s life in L.A. falls apart before it can even begin. He never expects an orange tree to be the thing that changes it all. oh, the way i DEVOURED this au... i love how the characters are written here and how everyone meets and interacts and it's just so, so wonderful!!

[megamagimugi]

He's-a Gone

Luigi time! To suffer, that is.

(CW: character death)

This is obviously a sort of comlementary piece to I Was-a Too Late. But it's more than just that as it also illustrates a certain fun, dark what-if idea I had. Please keep reading if you're intrigued!

Lore:

Luigi's Mansion, the first game. Everything goes the same as in canon until the final boss fight, when Luigi defeats King Boo in his Bowser costume. After King Boo comes out and Luigi intends to suck him in, the villain laughs and reveals the truth: Mario's painting was an illusion, so was everything Madame Clairvoya saw. All just to mess with Luigi. Meanwhile the real Mario wasn't just captured by the Boos, he was immediately killed by them on their King's orders. The only physical thing that's left of him in this realm is the five items Luigi found - hidden by the Boos for Luigi to find, another part of King Boo's sick game.

Luigi is able to finish the fight despite his shock and grief, fueled by the anger King Boo never expected from him. After getting out of the painting the plumber discovers that it is indeed empty, no Mario or anyone else in the portrait.

Heartbroken and guit-ridden, Luigi goes back to Professor E. Gadd's lab and gives him back the Poltergust 3000. He doesn't even want to stay long enough to see what is going to happen to the ghosts. Of course the Professor tries to offer some semblance of comfort, but we all know it's not his forte.

So Luigi leaves, only taking Mario's five items with him. He notices that the mansion has disapeared without a trace. The reality of it all finally hits him, and he practically collapses onto a nearby tree's large root protruding from the ground, putting down the precious items around himself, only leaving the matching red hat and the letter in his hands. He should have known something was off. After all, the Mario he saw in the painting was wearing his hat and both gloves.

Looking at all these items, to his growing horror he can't help but imagine what exactly might have happened to his brother and what his last moments might have been like. He hugs the hat to his chest and rereads Mario's note several times, knowing that the brief warning was his brother's last words to him.

Luigi can do nothing but cry for the beloved brother he couldn't save, desperately wishing it was his warm, living and breathing body pressed to his chest rather than just a couple of his belongings.

But Mario is truly gone, apparently having met such a horrific fate that not even a single part of his body is left in the physical world.

[Good night]

…I'll leave the rest up to your imagination ;) Sorry if I got carried away with my description. Occasionally even I enjoy being a little dramatic, though I'm no writer whatsoever.

Yeah, I'm not apologizing for making this one - I was nicer to Luigi than to his bro, at least here the Mushroom Kingdom and everyone in it (except for Mario lol) is still okay!

But alas,

You can no longer play as Mario (warning: this is a video with sound)

Rest in spaghetti, funny wahoo man.

EDIT 2025: my best friend and spiritual twin @silenzahra wrote an amazing fanfic Without him based on this piece and idea, as well as this drawing of Mario also by me❤️💚 I highly recommend it, it's an amazingly written story!

@federthenotsogreat I'm tagging you because you said you wanted more Mario art like I Was-a Too Late, thought you might like this one too!

@drones-of-innocence Also tagging you because you were interested in my idea.

Additionally: @silenzahra (remember, no rush) @c-lavanda @jell-o101 @stripetkattelalala54-gf

@luigixfanxayjay @itsavee4117

And you @giddlygoat just because you have a Luigi's Mansion AU and I thought you might appreciate this... Also because I'm a fan 👉👈

[lemonade4wanda]

Sniffle any louder

Natasha Romanoff x reader

Minors dni!! Masterlist°•☆

Summary - when you show up to work il lit aggravates Natasha that is until she sees your dire state

Warnings - mention of illness, nonsexual nudity, hurt comfort, as usual not proofread

Word count - 2k

A/n - I started rushing at the end because I wanted to have it out by tonight so the ending might not be as good srry

Fractures of pain shot through your aching body like icicles as you left the team meeting. God how you wished you'd just admitted you were ill this morning instead of letting your pride get in the way and pretended to the team that you were right as rain. I guess that's what happens when your on a team with literal super soldiers, you too start believing your above any illness or injury. Oh, but how wrong you realised you were when this flu hit you like a ton of bricks. The combined migraine alongside with the distrsssing chill of your bones left little energy left for you to do anything except lie down and rest, which you hated to admit and wouldn't ever given the choice, despite how sickly you'd begun to look.

Your usual bright eyes full of life and wonder became dull and bloodshot from the lack of sleep your blocked nose had caused you the previous night when you chose to ignore it. The skin on your face that was often painted a rosy colour now paled almost deathly looking, comparable to that of a ghost. Your unshakable senses, often remarked as some of the best had become overworked and dulled from the sickness using up all your remaining energy causing you not to notice people around you until they had begun to speak. The gravelly gasping and choking noises that spluttered from your inflamed throat were foreign to your usual bubbly voice.

Despite these stark and clear changes in not only your physical appearance but also how you carried yourself around the compound you had tricked yourself, somehow, into the belief no one around you would notice. Obviously you were unwell anyone could see that from a mile off and if you didn't think out of a house full of spies, enhanced beings and military personnel that not one of them would pick up on something up with you then you must have been seriously down with something.

Unlucky for you someone did notice after your sniffling had interupted their train of thought for the seventh time, it didn't take a genuis but she'd been ignoring the signs since you arrived. Natasha Romanoff had been trying to reread and correct a badly written mission report written by an incompetent intern. This had already been stressful enough for her without the woman next to her trying to desperately through her blocked nose instead of just going home. The first time she actually noticed something was up was when you nearly walked into the door, stumbling around like bambi on ice. This was something someone with your spacial awareness and high senses would never manage to do if they were as okay as they were telling everyone they were. She spotted it again when you began to cough like a smoker and at that like someone who smoked at least five packs a day, a thing she knew you were not. You'd told her a while back that despite your bad habits which were endless and definitely on show today that you never wanted to smoke because it reminded you of your mother. So unless you'd switched up on that which she very much doubted and had taken up chain smoking the answer was clear; you were ill, very ill.

She also questioned why you were even here, how you were even here. Natasha would leap at the first chance to avoid these dull meetings even if it meant admitting illness to the rest of the group. She'd actually faked being ill before to skip debriefs and instead head to the gym. At one point she had no clue how you were even still able to be alive and functioning with how shallow your breaths were. Everytime your mouth opened a disgusting noise alike to the disgust she felt at nails on a chalk board rung from deep in your throat. Aswell your ever scratcher voice that was beginning to drive her insane. It was one thing to come in sick, it was another to make yourself more ill by working harder than usual.

This had made her angry more than anything, angry at your selflessness. Angry no one else would ever do this, including herself. Angry you put working above your own physical health. Angry that you'd risk everyone else getting ill instead of taking a sick day. Angry you couldnt just admit your illness and leave.

Your eighth sniffle really sent Natasha over the edge as she turned to look dead at you and gave you a menacingly dirty look. A scowl that could kill glowering into your soul. Yet in feverly state you could hardly even register the spy looking in your direction as you still tried to process something said in conversation several minutes ago. Throughout the rest of the meeting she sideyed, scowled, gritted teeth, frowned, muttered under breath and cursed in your direction much to you ignorance. On an average day you could recognise what emotion someone was going through just by being in the same room as them and the tone of their breath but right now even with Natasha directly next you, practically right in your face you couldn't pick up a single negative emotion.

After the meeting you quickly stumbled in the direction of your room, hoping to avoid anyone on the way there, which you managed with much ease despite your worsening condition. Once you reached your room you shut the door without bothering with the lock. Stripped to your underwear and crawled back into bed without a sound. Curling up under your soft thick duvets you shivered and slowly cried yourself into a feverish slumber.

Natasha stayed behind to finish her reports, which she easily could have done hours ago without your incessant coughing and sniffling and all round ill noises. It only infuriated her more as she worked quickly, alone and welcoming the silence since the end of the meeting. When she finished up the work she was just about ready to give you a piece of her mind. And thats what she was gonna do. She had strong feelings about you prioritisation of work over wellness and she was gonna share them with you whether you wanted to hear or not.

Easily, she threw open your door and it hit the wall with a bang, enraged she didnt notice your crumpled whimpering figure writhing under the duvet.

"Sniffle a little louder next meeting." She comments loudly and sarcastically before instantly wincing at the sight of you in the bed.

Instantly her whole demeanour changes into one of care and pure unhidden worry. Natasha crouched over your trembling figure on the bed. Quickly she removed the pile of blankets from overtop and pressed a palm to your forhead before just as swiftly pulling it away with a frown. You were boiling 38°c at the very least and yet your body was still shivering. Without thinking twice Natasha knew the best thing for you was a cold, very cold shower.

She carried your somehow still sleeping figure easily into the bathroom as if you were no more than a light weight to her, which you probably were considering her max dead lift. Gently and ever so carefully she sat you down in the bath before turning the cool shower on next to you. Adjusting it so the water pressure was lower than usual so that it maybe less of a shock for when you fully woke.

Soon after the water began to flow your eyes opened to the hazy view before you. Natasha knelt over the bath making sure you were just alright. When you noticed the water and the bath, definitely not where you fall asleep you began to panic. Quickly flailing much like a fish out of water. Thrashing to get out the bath and attempting to scrabble to your feet. Natasha noticed your sudden frenzy and much quicker than you could, grabbed a hold of your hands halting your movements while whispering affirming words to you.

"Shh sh its okay. Your just in the bath, don't worry were just trying to soothe your fever." She begins to rub your palms slowly in a way which soothes you and instantly slows your panic as you go to rest your head on the bathroom wall.

"Hm don't do that darling. Try and stay awake while your in the bath, just for now." She's says quietly afraid to worsen the headache you already had as she coaxes your head off the wall. "That's it good girl. You can do this."

Her small praises would have usually annoyed you and felt almost condescending but right now they were almost enough to make you smile. She was making you feel as if your feeble attempts to stay conscious were really doing anything.

"M' so tired." You mumbled out a response that slumped together into your mouth so it was barely understandable to Natasha yet she still smiled and nodded at you, not wanting you to feel any worse than you already did.

"That's okay sweet girl, the sooner we get you out the bath and some medicine down you the sooner you can sleep." All the while she kept rubbing at your hands and fingers to keep you grounded in the moment. "I'm going to find you some fresh clothes just stay here."

You nodded but the minute Natasha left your head flopped back against the wall as if magnetised towards it. Upon her return with fresh clothes Natasha tutted.

"You really aren't well, are you?" A small attempt at a nod on your part did not surprise her one bit. "See if you told someone earlier we wouldn't be here right now. You have to ask for help when you need it." She knew her words meant little to you in your current state but she wanted to start bedding them in now nonetheless.

"Now, do you need help getting dressed? There's no shame in needing the help."

"Uhm.. I think a bit." Your response was croaky and your voice was beginning to sound worse by the second.

"That's okay, I'll help you then." She gives you a hand getting out the bath and holds you upright as she helps fully undress you. In her panic to get you in the bath she hadn't thought to remove what you were wearing.

You weren't insecure about your body but something like this would usually not be on with you. But right now you knew you couldn't refuse the help Natasha was offering as you could barely even stand still yourself. So begrudgingly you allowed her to undo your bra and slip off your underwear before tossing them in the bath saying something about getting them to the wash later. Putting on the fresh clothes was easier than either of you anticipated as you didn't resist and her strength helped you from falling against the cold tile floor.

Natasha helped you hobble back towards your bed which you instantly fell against ready to embrace sleep again.

"Ah. Not so quick, first the medicine then sleep." She said softly handing you first a couple pills and some water. "For your headache." Begrudgingly you took them and Natasha smiled as she saw the look of grimace on your face finding it both amusing and adorable. "Okay sweet girl just the syrup left, this will help for your throat." You stared at the syrup in your hand with a frown. Just the smell of its contents was enough to make you dry heave and its colour wasn't tempting either. After two minutes of more convincing and praise you managed to stomach it, not all of it but enough so Natasha was happy enough to stop bothering you.

You knew after that you could finally emmerse yourself in a blissful slumber and with little care curled up, face pressing into Natasha who watched over you as you slept making sure nothing interupted your much needed rest.

Tags: @wandasfifthwife @yanaromanov @idkwhatever580 @stayevildarling

[gigiii1sblog]

IN THE GLOW OF HIS WINDOW 008

Warning: contains sexual content, angst, tension, fluff, dirty talk, unprotected sex.

Chapter Eight: The Heart Wants What It Wants.

Y/N POV: The Next Couple of Days

The days feel slow now.

Not heavy like grief. Not sharp like heartbreak.

Just slow, like I’m relearning how to breathe in a world that doesn’t revolve around waiting for his name to pop up on my phone.

therapy twice a week.

I write more.

Sometimes it’s messy, sometimes it’s good. Most of the time it just exists. And that’s enough for now.

I start sleeping on my back again.

I make tea instead of coffee.

I sit at the river by myself some days, just to feel close to something real.

The therapist says I use poetry to protect myself. That metaphor is my armor.

She’s right.

But lately… I’ve been trying to write without armor.

Sometimes I cry mid-sentence.

Sometimes I laugh when I don’t expect to.

But at least I’m feeling again.

That hollow, aching pit in my chest?

It’s still there. But it’s quieter now.

I stopped checking his window every night.

But I never stopped hoping.

Not in the desperate way I used to.

But in the quiet way a candle still flickers after the wind has passed.

The truth is:

I don’t need him to save me anymore.

But I still want him.

CHRIS POV:

Healing isn’t beautiful.

It’s not peaceful morning walks and green smoothies and playlists called “self-love.”

It’s silence so loud I have to leave the house.

It’s therapy sessions that leave me shaking.

It’s waking up and realizing I didn’t dream about her, and missing her anyway.

But I’m trying.

For the first time in my life, I’m not numbing everything that hurts.

I read. A lot.

Books about trauma. Poetry about love. Journals on mental clarity.

I even bought one of those dumb breathing apps that reminds you to just exist.

It sounds stupid.

But sometimes I forget I’m even here.

Some nights, I sit in the laundry room.

The one where I first saw her laughing in that oversized shirt, folding her clothes like she was in a music video.

I remember the first time I realized I loved her.

And the first time I pretended I didn’t.

I write letters to her. I don’t send them.

I reread every book she ever lent me. I underline the parts I think she would’ve loved.

I’m not perfect now.

But I’m softer.

Less smoke. Less silence.

More present.

The river is in three days.

I don’t know if she’ll come.

But I know this:

If she does… I’ll be ready.

And if she doesn’t—

I’ll still keep becoming the man I promised her I’d be.

Y/N POV: The River

The sun is low, melting into the sky like it’s shy.

I’m sitting on the edge of the dock, legs dangling over the river. The water laps gently against the wood beneath me, like it’s breathing.

Like it remembers us.

My heart’s been in my throat since noon.

I wore the sweater he once pulled off me. I don’t know why. Maybe for comfort. Maybe for memory.

I haven’t checked the time in fifteen minutes.

Feels like forever. Feels like hope trying not to embarrass itself.

He said sunset.

And it’s almost gone.

Every car that passed made my pulse spike.

Every footstep in the trees felt like maybe.

But now I’m just still.

Still and aching.

The sky’s turning gold and bruised.

And he’s not here.

I press my palms to the wood, about to stand, my chest tight with that familiar sting—

He’s not coming.

I feel tears in my throat.

I nod to myself like I can convince my heart it’s fine.

Of course he’s not coming.

But then—

I hear it.

Footsteps. Rushed.

Wood creaking.

My name, quietly.

“YN.”

I whip around.

And there he is.

Chris.

Messy hair. Breathing hard like he ran from wherever he was.

Eyes wide. Hoodie slung over one shoulder.

And I don’t think.

I don’t wait.

I run.

Across the dock, heart pounding like a drum against ribs that were tired of holding pain.

I crash into him, arms around his neck, face in his chest, breath caught in a sob I didn’t know I was holding.

He holds me.

God, he holds me tight.

“I’m sorry,” he breathes into my hair. “The traffic—my phone died—I swear I was coming the whole time.”

I shake my head, gripping the back of his shirt.

“You came.”

He pulls back just enough to look at me.

“Of course I did.”

And then his hands are on my face, his forehead against mine, and the world goes quiet again.

“I told you I’d be ready.”

“I am.”

We sit on the dock like we did months ago.

Shoes kicked off. Knees almost touching. The river below us carrying the last golden streaks of sunset like secrets.

Neither of us speaks for a while.

But it isn’t awkward.

It’s… full.

Like there’s so much to say, neither of us wants to be the one to break the quiet first.

Chris looks different. Not in the obvious ways.

His hoodie is still oversized. His curls still messy. But his eyes?

They’re steadier. Softer.

Like he’s been learning how to stay.

He glances over at me, the corners of his mouth twitching into something close to a smile.

“You still come here a lot?”

I nod, tucking my knees to my chest.

“When I need to feel like I exist.”

He hums low in his throat. That quiet sound he always makes when he’s listening.

“I think about you here,” he says. “Every time I try to breathe slower.”

My chest tightens.

“Did you think I wouldn’t come?” he asks gently.

I nod before I can stop myself.

“I wanted to believe,” I say, voice barely above the breeze. “But people say a lot of things when they’re breaking.”

Chris leans forward, pulling something from his backpack.

A stack of folded papers. A few dog-eared books.

He sets them in my lap.

“These are yours.”

“Letters I wrote but never sent. Books I read that reminded me of you. Some I underlined. Some I just… wanted you to know I was trying.”

My fingers trail across the spines. The titles make my throat close:

-On Love & Madness

-The Body Keeps the Score

-A Little Book on Letting Go

I unfold one letter.

His handwriting is messy, all lowercase. It smells faintly like smoke and mint.

y/n—

i don’t know how to say sorry in a way that fixes the way you folded into yourself like leaving was your fault.

i want to come back. not just to you. to me. the version of me that wasn’t scared to love you out loud.

i see you everywhere. still.

and it hurts. but i’m glad.

because forgetting you would be worse than any ache.

I cover my mouth.

Chris watches me, careful. Quiet.

“I didn’t write them expecting you’d forgive me,” he says softly.

“I just… needed you to know I never stopped carrying it.”

I look up, blinking back the sting in my eyes.

“You never stopped carrying me,” I whisper.

He exhales slowly.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

And that’s how I know he’s changed.

The old Chris would’ve kissed me because he needed it.

This one asks because he respects it.

I nod.

And when he leans in, his lips brush mine like he’s afraid to ruin the moment. Soft. Careful.

Like a secret passed from one heartbeat to another.

I taste every letter. Every night he missed me.

Every poem he never read out loud.

When we pull back, we’re both smiling, not wide. Not loud.

But real.

Like we’re finally starting again.

⸻

After the dock, neither of us says “let’s go eat.”

It just… happens.

We’re walking back along the road in downtown Boston, hands brushing but not quite holding. The sun’s gone but the sky’s still blushing pink, like it’s not ready to let go of what it witnessed.

Chris stops in front of a little diner.

One of those places with flickering neon signs and foggy windows that smell like syrup and grease and someone’s grandmother’s perfume.

He turns to me.

“You hungry?”

I nod, even though my stomach is still tangled with everything we didn’t say.

“Starving.”

Inside, it’s quiet. Late.

There’s a waitress in pink gum sneakers and a messy bun, who doesn’t blink when we slide into a booth like ghosts coming home.

We both order pancakes.

It’s nighttime. But it feels right.

He adds bacon to his. I ask for extra butter.

We don’t talk much at first.

Just drink water and Pepsi.

Fiddle with napkins.

Steal glances.

Chris finally breaks the silence with something dumb and soft:

“Remember when I used to see you reading out here? In your balcony chair? Legs crossed like you knew something the rest of us didn’t.”

I laugh.

“I didn’t. I was just re-reading the same page over and over because you were smoking shirtless and it was distracting.”

His eyes widen, caught.

“You noticed?”

“You wanted me to.”

We both laugh, awkward and new and light.

“You always looked like you were thinking too much,” I say.

“Like even your silences were heavy.”

“They were,” he admits. “But when I looked at you… they got quieter.”

I don’t know what to say to that.

So I take a bite of pancake instead.

By the time we’re halfway through the meal, our knees are touching under the table.

We don’t move them.

He starts telling me about a book he read.

I tell him about a poem I wrote but never shared.

We don’t talk about the crying, or the night I broke down in his room, or the two months of aching.

We don’t need to.

This is enough.

The sound of forks against plates.

The way he wipes his thumb across the corner of my mouth when syrup touches my lip.

The quiet “you good?” when he sees me zone out.

We’re not perfect.

Not even close.

But for the first time in a long time—

We’re real.

⸻

It’s quiet again

That soft, late-night quiet where the air is thicker, like the world knows not to speak too loud.

The streets are empty.

The diner lights fade behind us.

And Chris is walking next to me, hoodie sleeves pushed up, hands in his pockets, looking like he’s trying to memorize the sidewalk.

He hasn’t touched me since the booth.

Not out of distance, but respect.

We walk like we’re carrying something fragile between us.

Something you don’t hold too tight in case it breaks.

And somewhere in the stretch of that silence, I say it.

“When I was sixteen… I almost attempted.”

I don’t look at him.

I just keep walking. Like if I stop, I’ll lose my nerve.

“I was alone. In every way. My dad was working two jobs. My mom… was in her own world. I felt like no one saw me. Like I could disappear, and it would take days for anyone to notice.”

My voice doesn’t shake. That’s the scary part.

“I remember sitting in the bathroom with the door locked. Everyone thought I was taking a long shower. But I wasn’t. I was writing a note. I kept thinking I should apologize, but I didn’t know what for. Just… existing too loudly, I guess. Or maybe too quietly.”

The wind picks up, and Chris slows down beside me.

Still quiet.

Still there.

“I didn’t go through with it,” I say. “I don’t even remember what stopped me. Maybe it was the sound of the washing machine kicking on downstairs. Or maybe I was just too tired.”

I finally glance over at him.

His jaw’s tense. His eyes haven’t moved from mine.

“But sometimes… when it gets really bad, I still go back there. Mentally, I mean. Not the plan. Just the feeling. That weight. Like everything around me is moving and I’m stuck in glue.”

Chris stops walking.

And I do too.

He doesn’t speak right away. Just looks at me with that expression he wears when he’s trying not to fall apart.

“I wish I’d known you then,” he says quietly.

“Why?”

“Because maybe I wouldn’t have known how to fix it. But I’d have sat outside the bathroom door. I’d have knocked. I’d have waited. I’d have heard you.”

I swallow hard.

He takes a step closer.

“You don’t have to be strong right now,” he says. “You don’t have to wrap it up neatly.”

“I’m not,” I whisper. “I’m just trying to stay standing.”

He nods.

Then, softly—

He opens his hoodie.

“C’mere.”

And I go.

I step inside the circle of his arms and press my face to his chest. He smells like mint and diner coffee and rain that hasn’t fallen yet.

He doesn’t tell me it’s okay.

He doesn’t try to rewrite it into something less painful.

He just holds me.

Warm and quiet and real.

“I’m glad you’re still here,” he whispers. “So fucking glad.”

And for the first time in a long time—

I believe it.

CHRIS POV:

The night air wraps around us soft and quiet, like it knows not to interrupt.

We’re now on the apartment stairs. Her hand in mine.

The kind of silence that doesn’t beg to be filled, just invites you to speak when you’re ready.

And I am.

Not because it’s easy.

But because she is here.

“Can I tell you something I’ve never said out loud?” I ask.

She looks up. Nods once.

“You can tell me anything.”

I rub my thumb along the edge of her palm, grounding myself. Then I say it.

“When I was fifteen… I thought I was going to be a dad.”

She doesn’t flinch. Just… listens. Eyes wide, still.

“I met her when I was thirteen. She was older. Seventeen when everything happened. I don’t even know if it was love, I think I just wanted to feel wanted.”

I swallow hard.

“She gave me that. At least at first. Made me feel like I was important. Like I mattered to someone for the first time.”

I pause. The words come slower now.

“We were together a lot. Quietly. My parents and brothers didn’t really know. Hers didn’t pay enough attention to ask.”

“She told me she was pregnant a couple months after I turned fifteen. I remember feeling like my body wasn’t mine anymore. Like I stepped into someone else’s life by accident.”

I shake my head, laugh once, no humor in it.

“But I stayed. I went to every appointment. I held her hand when she cried. I picked out names. I even kept a list in my Notes app of baby things I wanted to buy.”

“And when the baby was born…” I stop. My voice catches.

“When he came out, I thought: this is it. This is the start of everything.”

“I held him. I kissed his forehead. I thought he had my nose.”

“But he didn’t.”

I don’t look at Y:N when I say the next part. I just breathe through it.

“A week after he was born… she told me. He wasn’t mine. She had been cheating. The whole time.”

“She only told me because she said I deserved to know. But it felt like being dropped from a rooftop.”

“I loved a kid who was never mine. I made promises I couldn’t keep. I named a baby I had no right to name.”

“And the real dad?” I laugh, short and flat.

“He hates me. Because she told him she wished the baby had been mine instead.”

Silence again.

This time, it stretches.

But it’s not empty. It’s full.

Full of breath. Memory. Pain. Regret.

And something else.

“That’s why you push people away,” YN says quietly. “Because you’ve already had love blow up in your hands.”

I look at her now. She’s not crying. Just watching me.

“Yeah,” I say. “That, and because I’m afraid I’ll break the next thing I hold.”

She shifts closer. Her hand slides up the side of my jaw, thumb brushing the place just under my ear.

“Then don’t hold it like it’s glass,” she whispers. “Hold it like it’s yours.”

And God, I could cry.

Not because I’m sad.

Because I’m safe.

And she’s still looking at me like I’m not too much.

Y/N POV:

We don’t talk about it much after he tells me.

Not because it doesn’t matter.

But because it does.

Some things don’t need to echo to be heard.

Chris squeezes my hand once, and I squeeze it back.

That’s the only answer he needs.

We leave the stairs sometime after midnight.

It’s quiet, the kind of quiet that makes you feel like the world is holding its breath for you.

His apartment is dark when we walk in.

Nick and Matt must be asleep. The hallway smells like cologne and dryer sheets.

Chris’s room is how I remember it, hoodies on the chair, LED lights off, blinds slightly cracked from where I used to peek through my window and watch him smoke.

He tosses his keys on the desk and turns to me.

“You can crash here if you want,” he says, like he’s not hoping I’ll say yes.

I just nod.

“Yeah. I want to.”

He gives me a shirt, soft, oversized, smells like him.

I change in the bathroom while he stays behind. When I come back, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, scrolling through something on his phone, pretending not to watch me come closer.

I crawl into bed.

He follows.

No tension. No space. Just us.

Our legs brush under the covers.

Our arms find each other in the dark like magnets.

He exhales slowly, eyes on the ceiling.

“You ever feel like… sleep is the only time your mind shuts up?”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “But lately, even that’s loud.”

He turns toward me, arm slipping under my neck.

“Then stay loud here,” he says. “I can handle it.”

I feel it then, his fingers tracing circles on the small of my back.

Like a grounding wire. Like he’s stitching me back together without needing to say a word.

There’s no kiss.

No rushing.

Just two bodies, curved toward each other, finally not trying to run from the weight of what’s real.

He falls asleep first.

I hear it in the change of his breath.

But I stay awake a little longer, watching the outline of his face in the soft glow of the window.

And for the first time in what feels like months—

I don’t feel alone in my head.

I don’t feel broken.

I just feel held.

@izzylovesmatt @riggysworld @amiraisafreakokaysorry @ansteeze @pair-of-pantaloons @kitty-meow-meow44 @sturnslux3

@kalel2005 @sarahsturnn

@teheabrams @needchrissturniolobad

@my-world-is-poetry @sturniszn

@slutforchrissturniolo2

@alinagrace11 @beardedbernard

@matthewswifeyy @blindedheartp

@crypticallycruelwarden

@jaybirdie34

@courta13 @chriss-slutt

@chrissturniolobendmeovernow

@norahsturns. @chrattstromboli

@iluvchris @japblogs

[messylustt]

Hi there oh my GOD. I LOVE YOUR WRITING.

I wanted to ask if you could write about Miguel protecting his favorite human (maybe from an ex?), when she least expects it. I'm OBSESSED with a casually protective Miggy omg 🤤🤤🤤

god i love this. dftgvbjjjkggjjk

݁   𓂃 ៸៸៸ protective eyes — miguel o’hara + reader: miguel has found an interest in you and your experiments. his silent watchful gaze soon gets caught up in a message you get from your ex.

contents : protective!miguel. kinda stalker miguel. tad bit of violence + threatening. reader not knowing that miguel is watching her. wc 1.7k.

it was dark outside your window. streaking sections of moonlight darted onto the floor. the very floor you were currently pacing. a text. you had gotten a text. now, normally any form of interactions brought a smile to your face, say, if it was from a friend, talking about the inner workings of dance in the 80's. and yes, they usually were drunk, resulting in you making your way to your car to pick them up.

but this is time is wasn't your friend, this time it wasn't some drunken text. you glance back to the screen of your phone, illuminating your face. you were chewing on your lower lip as you reread the message.

oliver

hey, look i know we didn't end particularly well and everything. but i miss you, babe. like a lot.

'particularly well'? really? it ended horribly. that night was filled with yelling and accusations. the neighbours almost actually called the police. thankfully no authorities were brought in, and the night ended with a harsh slam to the door. so, why now, after two months, was he texting? saying he missed you?

you bring the screen away from your eyes, pressing your lips together in annoyance. and that's when you hear a faint scratch. or what sounded to be a mix of a scratch and a shift. you spin, staring out the window. rushing over you twisted the rusty lever and pushed the window open. cold air hit your face as you squinted against the dim city lights.

just like every time, you found nothing. no one. over the past few months you had been hearing these...noises. movements of what you'd assume to be a person. but you never caught a soul. you had thought you were being watched. it awfully felt like it. but every time you thought of an explanation you could use as reasoning and evidence for the police you had to cut yourself short, realising that all your words were pointing towards a ghost. and what authorities believe in the make-believe?

sighing, you slipped back into your apartment, closing the window as you tiredly brushed your hair back against your head. "i need sleep." you mutter to yourself, stretching your neck from side to side. maybe you did have a ghost. maybe your apartment was haunted, eyes watching you from the walls.

you were wrong about majority but when it came to 'eyes' and 'being watched' you were on point. because someone was keeping a close eye on you. their reasoning? not sure. just that they'd settled into a nice little routine, coming to rest by your fire escape to look through your window when the sun went down. and when no missions required a hero.

miguel o'hara was man of many talents. even with his large frame he always seemed to slip past anything and anyone without their knowledge. and that included your own knowledge. oblivious enough to his gaze you carried on with your day to day life. and maybe he could count himself as a little creepy. but he meant you no harm, none at all. he was just...intrigued.

in the day you worked a simple life, working at sweet cafe on the corner. but at night is where you thrived, hidden in a room you concocted little experiments, using acids and chemicals. you could call it a hobby, but you wanted it to be more. money wasn't necessarily on your side. the lack thereof made sure you couldn't earn a training placement with one of the most presteemed scientific standings. so, in the meantime you were building up a portfolio for yourself, one small test at a time.

miguel had been webbing across this specific universe when a small explosion had gone off. briefly ditching the anomaly he redirected towards the apartment. your apartment. there he had spotted you, waving your hand to get rid of the smoke. the explosion was small enough to not cause too much of a panic.

but his brows seemed to furrow in interest once he realized what had caused the explosion. one of your science experiments. the visual of your hair aray, and your coughing breath reminded him a little too much of himself. similar setup, clear similar ambitions.

so, maybe he had checked in on you once or twice, just to see if you had caused anymore damage. maybe to see how your projects were coming along. you were talented. miguel realised that pretty quickly. and soon enough the routine was set. his placement on the fire escape gave him a chance to rest, along with a chance to watch as you created things with your hands.

throughout these trips he had picked up things in your life. the most obvious one was your boyfriend. or boyfriend at the time. he was...alright, with his dark locks, and a boyish grin. but there was an edge to him, one that miguel picked up rather quickly. you didn't notice this aggressive edge until that fight that ended with the slammed door.

miguel had seen it, shocked in himself that his claws flexed to...what? help? he hadn't thought his observations had mixed with his feelings. he thought his interest in you was purely based on reflection. just a happy coincidence that your actions reminded him of his younger self. but over the next few months he realised that maybe he was looking at you a little too intently. you. instead of your work.

and when he caught a glimpse of your ex's text his face fell. missed you? he missed you? of course he did. what an incredible loss you were to him. but that statement couldn't be considered in 'vice versa'. you didn't need oliver, over the past months miguel has seen that you hadn't even missed him one bit.

but what made miguel's anger come to play was when he caught sight of the next text that popped up. your phone having been left by the window as you moved towards the shower.

oliver

are you really not gonna answer me?

i know where you live

a threat? he was really threatening you? miguel's jaw clenched as he tried to find some sense of calmness in the situation. but all he found was unbridled hatred for your ex. as miguel stood, rolling his wrists he knew exactly where his next stop was going to be.

;;

oliver was busy in his kitchen, glaring at his phone. “you’ve got to be kidding me.” he muttered to himself. “the bitch really thinks that’s it?” he goes to angrily text again. “i gave you two months to miss me. to come back.”

“must have not been long enough.” miguel’s voice broke oliver’s ranting as he spun, eyes wide.

“what the fuck?” he exclaims, watching as the large man steps casually into his kitchen, his claw scraping against the granite.

oliver’s eyes dart down, spotting the talon as his breathing grows choked. “g-get out of my kitchen you…you freak!”

miguel lowly chuckles as he continues to move towards him. “who were you texting?” he asks, finally meeting his gaze.

oliver’s chest is moving a pace a minute, as he gulps, now noticing miguel’s red eyes. “what do you care?” he darts his gaze around. miguel steps closer and oliver grabs a knife. miguel raises a brow, unnerved by the weapon. “i-i’ll call the police.”

“you know, your threats have little effect on me.” miguel states, now towering over him. “but they will effect a girl i don’t particularly want being threatened.”

oliver’s eyes furrow, before the wrinkles smooth. he scoffs out your name. though his voice stays strained. “are you the brat’s new boyfriend?”

oliver doesn’t have to time to comprehend a thing, as he’s pressed against the kitchen cupboard, a clawed hand wrapped tightly around his neck, as his face actually turns a concerning colour. miguel leans closer, snarling. “do you wanna repeat that?”

oliver’s eyes are widened with fear, as he pathetically tries to get out of miguel’s hold. miguel’s claw has begun to imbed itself into the skin of his neck, making oliver’s moves frantic. “no really. repeat it.” miguel’s nose it twitching as oliver swears he’s looking into the face of the devil.

“p-please — ” he tries through gasping breathes.

“ah, that’s not quite right. i heard you call her a brat?” miguel leans closer, fangs protruding. “am i wrong?”

miguel’s claw is now tainted with oliver’s blood as his strength doesn’t let up. miguel can see his eyes fluttering, forcing him to squeeze his cheeks together painfully. tears are welling in oliver’s eyes. and maybe it’s a tad sadistic with how much miguel doesn’t want to stop. “don’t faint on me now. you have a girl to apologise to.”

miguel finally let’s him go, as oliver hits back against the cupboard gasping for much needed air, as he holds his now bruised and bloody neck. miguel watches with an indifferent expression as he waits for oliver to catch his breath. weak — he thinks to himself.

oliver doesn’t dare look up as he keeps his head hung low. “i-I’ll go apologise now — ” but just as he moves to rush towards the door, miguel grabs the back of his collar, harshly pulling him back.

“no, no. you’re not gonna see her.” miguel offers him the phone, oliver’s shaky hand taking it. miguel leans down to his ear, his taunting voice sending shivers down the boy’s spine. “you’re never gonna see her again. you’re gonna text her an apology and that you’re leaving the city.”

oliver goes to protest but miguel’s grip slips to the back of his neck, stopping his words from falling. “and you’re gonna stay away. do you understand?”

all oliver can do is shakily nod, and type out an apology to you. miguel carefully watches over his shoulder. “you can add a bit more feeling than that, can’t you?” miguel taunts. “she doesn’t deserve just some lame ‘i’m sorry’. does she?”

oliver shakes his head as he fills the message with more kind words, before miguel is finally letting him go. and god does he run, barely grabbing his jacket before he’s out his apartment and rushing to his car.

;;

you’re drying your hair, as soft hums of a tune leave your lips. grabbing your phone, you glance at the latest message. you sigh, upon seeing one from oliver. but upon reading it, your brows furrow, as you yet again hear the familiar scratch and shift by your window, your gaze darting up.

© messylustt.tumblr please don’t steal, copy or translate my work onto other platforms.

[fizzigigsimmer]

Harringrove Halloween Ficlet

I didn't have time to participate in kinktober or to write a full spooky fic this year, but there is no stopping my love for this season or how it gets the plot bunnies hopping. Shout out to @robthegoodfellow for listening to my brain rot and helping this come together.

I was laughing at all those "Satan impregnates his bride" memes, and IDK bumbling Satantic Witch!Steve was born.

~*~

The Bride of Satan.

There’s a naked man on Steve’s bed. Maybe hey's still a boy. No telling. He’s built like - holy shit - but there’s a roundness to the slope of his shoulders and the edges of his face, that could be called baby soft. Could mean he’s closer to Steve’s own age of nineteen than the wear and tear on his body and the layers of compact muscle imply.

Steve absolutely does not look at the naked man’s dick, so it doesn’t factor into the boy vrs man argument blitzing through his head, like at all. Not that it should. That would be weird - and also Steve doesn’t have time to worry about how old the stranger in his bed is. He needs to figure out some way to send him back to wherever he came from. And, most importantly of all, he needs to repeat the summoning spell before the moonlight is gone or the ritual will be ruined. If he fucks up the ceremony there will be no way to hide it from the rest of the coven.

He looks back down at the heavy book he’s been studying for months in preparation for this night, rereading the steps to the spell. He did everything right. He’s sure of it. Said the words to invite the devil in and strengthen the coven.

He drank the wine and ate the herb at just the right spots, and stripped himself down to his cotton briefs without tipping over from the high. He’d felt the tingle in his fingers and toes spread out in a warm rush all over his body just like Paul (who had done the ceremony the year before) had described when he'd asked.

Roll the blades of willow grass in… wait. Shit. Realizing that he’d already read that part, Steve blinks slowly and refocuses his eyes on the page. This would be so much easier if the page would stop pulsing. He doesn't pretend to understand the magic, but right now there should be a naked girl in his bed. Maybe a witch from one of their sister covens, or just some ordinary girl from the suburbs who wouldn’t know anything about fertility rituals or witches; but a girl.

Because it’s a god damned fertility ritual! Frustrated Steve heaves the book aside and drops his head into his arms, defeated. The Child is definitely not coming this year. Fuck! He’d messed it up somehow. How had he messed up this bad?

Steve swallows and tries to ignore the little voice of shame in his head that says he knows exactly how the ritual failed, and Nancy's voice following it like an echo.

You have to believe. You have to want it Steve or it loses its power.

Yes well. Forgive him for having mixed feelings on ushering in the birth of the anti-christ. That's like - huge.

The sound of shifting on the bed alerts him to the fact that the stranger is waking up, but Steve can’t muster up enough care to look up from his knees. His life is pretty much over right now. If he’s not banished from the coven for good for being such a colossal waste of witch, he’ll eat his hat. Paul's seed hadn't taken but at least he actually completed the ritual!

“Uh…who the hell are you?” The man on the bed says in a softer tone than Steve would have expected for someone waking up in his position.

The words are right, but the blond sounds kind of slow and muzzy, like he’s about to fall back asleep. So not a witch then. Ordinary humans aren’t as tolerant of the magic as satan's daughters and their descendants are. Thank the morning star for small blessings. It means that when this stranger wakes up back in his own bed or wherever the devil found him, he won’t remember any of this.

"I'm fucked." Steve answers into his knees, and the stranger shifts again on the bed.

"Oh. Well hi Fuck-Head. I'm Billy."

Steve snorts a laugh, surprised that it's only a little bit bitter. Okay. That was funny. Intrigued despite himself Steve raises his head and peers over at the man. He's sitting up now, balanced on one elbow, gazing down at Steve with soft blue eyes fanned by honey colored lashes. Steve gulps.

"How come you're not scared?"

Billy shrugs.

"Either this is a dream or Eddie was right and I'm about to be sacrificed to the devil." he answers, head moving back and forth slowly as he eyes the ring of animal bones and rows of burning candles that surround the bed.

"Eddie talks too much." Steve grumbles, before it sinks in that if Billy knows Eddie than he must be a local. There are obviously non-believers in Hawkins but the Coven has been going strong here for hundreds of years so maybe Billy comes from a family of witches after all. He doesn't know why a little spark of hope starts burning inside him at the thought.

"So I am being sacrificed?"

"No. I mean you were supposed to be," Steve tries to explain while Billy gives him a skeptical look. He sighs. "Look yeah I summoned you but you're not right for the ritual, so I guess you're off the hook."

"What, you telling me I'm not a good enough human sacrifice Pretty Boy? Last time I checked I fit the bill."

"Last time you checked, huh?" Steve huffs, biting back a smile. "I don't think there are qualifications for human sacrifices."

Billy shakes his head with a click of his tongue.

"See that's where you're wrong. What if I was like a rapist, or had murdered a bunch of kids? The sacrifice has to be pure right? Where's the fun in devouring a soul that is already hellbound? "

He's definitely a witch! Steve thinks, elated, only to doubt himself a moment later. Or maybe he's just super into the occult, like Eddie.

"Babe. Blond. Virgin." Billy ticked off on his fingers, a shit eating grin creeping over his face. It's a little unsettling what with the glaze over his eyes. "That's how it goes, and I'm all three baby."

Steve huffs a laugh. Can't help it. Yeah thats how it goes in the movies, but in reality the devil isn't all that picky about who humans decided to serve up in his honor. That is a trivial human decision gladly left in the hands of his faithful followers. It is the end of the world and the coming of The Child that he took very very seriously.

"Well lucky for you this isn't that kind of sacrifice."

"What kind is it then?" Billy asks dropping his hand into his lap and shifting on the bed.

"It's - are you jerking off?!"

Billy's hand pauses momentarily where it's rubbing over the stiffening flesh between his legs. He sounds surprised when he answers.

"Oh. Yeah. Kinda super horny actually."

Oh. Right. Of course he is.

"That's part of the magic." Steve explains. "It's easier to complete the ritual if you're in like a faugh or whatever."

"Horny fog. Got it. And this ritual, what's that about?"

"Well it's layered. We offer the devil a host and he strengthens the coven."

"Uh huh."

Steve bites his lip. Swallows. It is very hard trying to recall his ceremonial history when Billy keeps stroking his cock like that. It fits nicely in his hand. Not comically big, but just big enough and flushed an almost pretty shade of red.

"In exchange he takes our seed, our mortal flesh, and sews into another." Steve finishes in a rush. "To make a baby. Sometimes."

"Fuck. That's weird." Billy says, stroking himself faster. Steve can't take his eyes off of him.

"Yeah... very weird."

"Didn't think old lucy was such a family guy."

"He's not really. There's only been daughters so far and he needs a son."

For some reason this made Billy toss back his head and laugh.

"Sounds like my dad."

Steve doesn't have to ask what he means. Most of the dads he knows are pricks and Billy can't mean he's devil born. If The Child had come before now Steve wouldn't be in this predicament - which would be sitting on the floor of his bedroom with a raging hard on, watching a stranger jerk off in his bed.

"So you see now? I fucked up. I can't do the ritual and that's gonna weaken the coven."

Billy hums, and the sound goes straight to Steve's dick. Fuck he's starting to leak and it's just embarrassing because there's no way to hide the wet spot seeping through his briefs. Why is this his life?!

"How do you know you fucked it up?" Billy suddenly asks, jerking Steve out of his spiral.

"Huh? What do you mean. Billy, I can't impregnate you!"

"You could try! Damn it, I'm dying over here." Billy cries in exasperation releasing his dick - now an angry looking red bordering on purple - and Steve scrambles to his feet in alarm as Billy throws himself backwards onto the bed.

"Billy-?" Steve reaches for him, worried as the blond squirms on the bed before flopping over onto his stomach and grinding his hips down into the mattress.

"Look. You said sometimes. Sometimes there's a baby. But your coven still gets its power boost or whatever the fuck." Billy grunts between humps. Steve has no idea where he's going with this.

"Yeah?"

"So, I'm here! I'm here and obviously devil spawn isn't required, so just fuck me!"

Billy is right Steve realizes. He's so right! He's beautiful and brilliant and so so right!

Grinning, Steve shucks his briefs. He's on top of Billy a moment later.

[inactiveuser2458]

would it be a sin if i stayed?

pairing: ghostface!sam carpenter x fem!reader

summary: you find out your girlfriend is hiding something from you

words: 3.120k

warnings: mentions of murders, gf!sam, knife, scream shenanigans, stab wounds, treating wounds, fear of cheating(?), swearing, bad writing

authors note: so it's been a minute huh, excuse the rusty writing i've been in pain and in a writers block

Everyone's entitled to their own secrets; there's nobody in the world that doesn't have at least one secret. 

Some people have small secrets such as not liking a certain food but saying they like to please the other person. Others don't have such sweet secrets.

The darkest secret you have is the fact you slit your ex's tire once after she cheated on you, it's not insanely dark or even cool, it's simply just a secret that you don't want people to know about.

Yet there's people in your life that hold such darker secrets, ones that could never be revealed to anyone; not even their most loyal loved ones. 

Unbeknownst to you that person is Sam Carpenter, your girlfriend of over a year.

—————

Me (17:29pm): i'll get started on dinner soon then?

Sammy<3 (17:32pm): Yes please. Hopefully I'll be done soon with my shift and can hopefully even help you a bit with the cooking! 👩‍🍳😊

Me (17:33pm): maybe i'll postpone for a bit then

Sammy<3 (17:33pm): No, start cooking. You need to eat and Derek is a bastard who won't let me off early anyways 😂😂

Me (17:34pm): fineeeee 

Me (17:34pm): see you soon then, love you <33

Sammy<3 (17:36pm): I love you too, Y/n ❤️

Me (18:12pm): i finished making dinnerrrr:)) 

Me (18:22pm): sammmm

Me (18:29pm): sam? 

Me (18:31pm): please answer me sam, where tf are you?? ik you finish your shift at six 

Me (19:06pm): Sam this isn't funny, please answer my calls.

You bite your bottom lip nervously as you reread over the messages hoping to see that small bubble pop up any second. 

Sure traffic was a reasonable reason to why Sam's late but she'd always message you after finishing her shift at work.

Sam's one of those people who never leaves the house without her phone being higher than 80%, meaning her phone being dead wouldn't explain it. She always made sure it had more than enough battery in case Tara or you called her and there was an emergency 

So why the fuck isn't Sam answering your texts? You can't help but worry after everything that's happened to the poor woman and her family with Ghostface. 

You've already tried calling her three times to no avail. Nervously you switch over to Tara's contact as your thumb hovers over the call button, debating whether you should ask her if she's seen Sam or not.

If Tara hasn't seen her and Sam is in fact just running incredibly late then you're just going to worry the younger Carpenter for no reason.

"Fuck." You mumbled to yourself as you lowered your thumb to dial Tara, deciding it's worth the risk.

Just as you're about to press down you hear the doorknob to your front door jangle, immediately you whip your head around to see Sam entering calmly.

You drop your phone and rush over to her throwing your arms around her desperately as you cling to her. 

Sam doesn't say anything as she slowly raises her hand to your back, rubbing it up and down slowly.

"Where were you, Sam? I thought something had happened." You say worriedly as you pull away staring into your eyes intently, noticing a glimmer in her eyes that you have never seen before. 

Her eyes looked darker, almost a lustful look in them. 

She sighed as she smiled apologetically. "Some girl puked all over the place so I had to clean it up so I wasn't done till six thirty, then my phone died so I couldn't text you."

You ponder for a second on the possibility of Sam's phone actually being dead since the messages and calls went through, meaning it would be impossible for her phone to be dead.

Biting your tongue you nod as you smile at Sam, just relieved to have her here. 

"Okay, glad you're safe then. I've made a plate for you so you just need to reheat it." Sam grins as she presses a quick kiss to your cheek making your ear burn just as they did the very first time they kissed you. 

"You're the best." She says and you chuckle giving a weak smirk. "I know right, the best girlfriend."

Sam pulls away from you as well, finally giving you a proper look of her. You tilt your head confused as you notice the baggy black hoodie she's wearing, practically devouring her and hiding her arms and upper body.

"You didn't leave wearing that this morning." You comment mindlessly as you grab the end of the sleeve, rolling your fingers around the soft texture.

Sam stiffens as she roughly pulls her arm away from your grip, crossing her arms over her chest. You frown at her abruptness. 

"It was in the trunk of my car." Sam replies dismissively with a wave of her hand before turning to enter your room. 

You remain where you stand a little frown toying on your lips. What was that about? You thought as you glanced at the doorway to your bedroom, the light being flickered on by Sam.

"I'm just gonna take a shower real quick then I can eat dinner and we can watch some movies?" You hear Sam yell from your room also hearing the erratic movement from her as you walk closer.

Leaning on the doorway you see Sam placing her phone, car keys and work badge on the dresser. 

"Want me to reheat your food for you?" You suggest with a smile. Sam nodded her head as she turned to face you, placing a gentle kiss to your forehead this time as she whispered, "I love you so much." before passing you and locking herself in the bathroom. 

A few moments later you hear the loud sound of the shower water hitting the bottom of the tub before it gets muffled by Sam entering the shower.

Against your better judgement you glance back into the room where Sam's phone is kept, the desperate urge to check it gnawing at you. 

You didn't want to snoop through it, no, you just wanted to see if she was lying or not. Which you basically already knew she was. 

You glance back at the bathroom door before rushing into the room to look at Sam's phone.

Reaching the drawer you picked up her phone and to your horror the movement of you picking it up lights the screen up. 


Sam's phone wasn't dead.

She lied to you. 

Sam wouldn't cheat on you, right? No, Sam would never. She loves you too much for that. 

Right?

Shaking your head in hopes of getting rid of those thoughts you place Sam's phone back into its original position, staring at it before leaving the room to reheat Sam's plate of food.

You trust Sam with your life and more and don't believe she's cheating on you since she's already quite possessive and protective of you after Ghostface. 

After placing the plate into the microwave you move back into the living room, dropping down onto the couch with a sigh as you wrap your fingers around the TV remote, pressing the on button.

The TV started up and immediately you were introduced to the loud male voice of the news reporter. You pulled out your phone and didn't pay much attention till you heard him utter a line that made your blood run cold.

"-two male victims stabbed to death near Parker Street, the police have no lead suspects as of now but a CCTV footage has been leaked showing the brutal murder and the killer wearing the infamous Ghostface costume."

Your eyes widened as you slowly lowered your phone, pushing yourself up the couch as you straightened your posture.  

Ghostface is back? It doesn't help that Parker street, that's the street where the bar Sam works at is at. 

"Sam!" You yelled and panicked as your eyes remained focused on the screen.

You could hear the shower stopping before moments later the door the bathroom being thrown opened and Sam rushes into the living room soaking wet with a towel wrapped around her body.

"What's wrong?" Your girlfriend asked as she moved to your side, holding your face with a possessive grip as she turned it to the side to see if you were hurt. 

You shake your head making her let go and nod towards the TV, Sam takes your hint and turns to focus on the screen.

She's silent for a moment, her breathing eerily calm as her eyes meet with yours.

"Ghostface is gone, we don't have to worry." She says as her hand glides into yours. 

Your brows furrowed in confusion as this is a total 180 reaction to how she reacted last time when Tara's classmate was murdered, and it wasn't even confirmed it was Ghostface at that time.

"Sam, the person was literally wearing a Ghostface outfit and two people were murdered on the same block where you work! This cannot be a coincidence." You rush out as you look down at your phone where it lay on the couch.  "We have to call Tara, Mindy and Chad. I'm not letting you all go through this again." You say as you grab your phone but you're stopped by Sam's hand wrapping around your wrist.

Looking up at her confused you see a blank expression on her face, not a panicked look you expected to see. 

"This is not our Ghostface, Y/n, calm down, please." Sam replies, moving her hand to interlock with yours with a tight grip.

Your jaw slackens as the crease between your brows gets even bigger. 

"A dude in a Ghostface outfit killed two people near where you work, Sam!" You insist on trying to make Sam notice how dire this situation is.

She shakes her head as she shuffles a bit closer, the droplets falling off of her and a few dropping onto you. 

"My Ghostface doesn't do random public killing, this is very out of character. It's probably just some psycho who's using it as a disguise, Y/n. It's fine. I'm safe, Tara's safe, the twins are safe and you're safe." You're speechless at Sam's smooth words, never hearing her so calm and confident. 

Last year she threatened to move countries instantly when it wasn't even confirmed it was about them. 

You let out a humourless chuckle as you shake your head. "And what did Mindy say when Tara was acting like you right now last year? It's a bit too close to home." 

Sam shakes her own head as she flashes a smile that never fails to make your heart skip a beat. "You trust me, don't you?" 

You let out a barely audible scoff as you nod your head at the question as if it was a stupid question to ask.

"With my life and more Sam." Sam's smile softens as she nods her head gently, as if knowing what you were going to say.

"So trust me on this, my love." She whispers, raising her wet hand to lay on your cheek lovingly. "Please." She adds in a whisper as her thumb runs up and down your cheek slowly. 

You maintain eye contact with Sam as you begin to feel yourself getting lost in her dark brown eyes, unconsciously nodding your head slowly.

Sighing you snap out of your trance as you smile weakly at her, squeezing your interlocked hands. 

"I trust you." 

—————

A few days have passed and the only person other than you who's showing concern over the murders is surprisingly Tara. The girl who was very adamant last year that this almost exact scenario wasn't related to them in any way.

You've been texting her non stop about your worries about the entire situation but you haven't said anything about your concerns about Sam. 

She lied to you, sure it was something very niche but with the timing of the murders; something just felt off. 

You have also noticed that Sam has been even more loving lately, not that she isn't always wonderful to you, but it's more than usual. 

You love the attention but you still can't help but feel that there's something wrong. 

It's a Saturday night and Sam's working the night shift again, you're not doing anything special so you decided to sleep in early. 

It's around two in the morning when you get awakened by a slam of the door, it immediately sprung you out of sleep since you've always been a light sleeper since the entire Ghostface incident. 

You rub your eyes as you slowly sit up, glancing around the room and notice Sam isn't in bed. 

Concern runs through your veins immediately as you push yourself off the bed to stand up, your feet hurting the cold floor as you move towards the door. Is it a complete dumb move to investigate the random loud noise? Yes, absolutely. But you can't help but think it's most likely Sam and maybe she's having another one of her attacks. 

"Sam?" You yell out softly as you open the door and glance around your small apartment, squinting your eyes to see better in the dark.

There's no sign of Sam but then you notice the light peeking through the bottom of the bathroom door. You definitely didn't leave the bathroom light on.

You head towards the bathroom door and go to open it but it's locked, you frown as your concern grows.

"Sam? Are you there?" You ask as you keep trying to unlock the door but to no use. 

A muffled grunt is heard through the door before you hear Sam's raspy voice. 

"Go back to bed, Y/n, I'll join you soon." Sam's muffled voice says as another low grunt is heard. That doesn't help your nerves at all.

You can feel your heart pick up a pace as you desperately keep trying to unlock the door.

"Open the door, Sam, please." You beg as you keep trying to open the door, shaking the doorknobs desperately. 

"No." Sam says sternly, making you shake your head at her stubbornness. "Sam if you don't unlock this door I swear I'll kick it down. Please open the door."

"No I-" Sam goes silent for a moment before continuing her words. "You can't see me like this, you'll leave me." 

"Sam I love you more than anything in this world, if you're hurt I want to see you and help you. Please." You say sincerely as you still your moments on trying to open the door, trying to show Sam how much you care for her. 

She doesn't say anything for what feels like an eternity, your fear growing with each passing second as you swallow nervously. 

Then you hear it, the door unlocking but Sam doesn't open it for you. Immediately you throw the door open and scan your eyes to find Sam sitting on the edge of the bathtub wearing her usual grey tank top, tight black cargos and thick black boots with bruises and a singular stab wound on her arms.

Your breath hitches as your eyes widen dramatically, your fear about Ghostface attacking Sam again being confirmed. 

Sam refuses to make eye contact with you as she sloppily tries to patch herself up, wrapping a bandage around below her shoulder that's already staining with a ruby red shade.

"Let me help." You whisper as you move to stand in front of her knowing in the frenzied state Sam is in she wouldn't tend her wounds properly.

She finally looks up at you and you notice the look of pure fear in her eyes, it breaks your heart. 

Sam stiffly nods her head as she lets go of the dirty bandage and lets it fall gracefully onto the floor. 

You don't take notice of anything else around you as your entire focus is only on your bleeding girlfriend. 

As you focus on the slash below her shoulder you see that she's sterilised it and only needs help with bandaging it up.

You grab a new roll and gently hold onto her elbow for a grip as you begin to tightly wrap the bandage around her wound.

As you keep wrapping enough layers around your eye's unconsciously flicker over to the bathtub, and the moment you see the objects scattered inside you feel your heart drop.

A bloodied knife is peeking out through a thick pile of black which almost looks like a blanket but that isn't what catches your attention. The bloodied Ghostface mask thrown carelessly near what you presume is the cloak is what makes your heart come back to life and rapidly speeds up. 

Suddenly everything makes sense.

The lie about her phone being dead when it wasn't, coming home late and the very calm reaction to the murders.

Sam wasn't attacked by the Ghostface on the news; Sam is Ghostface. 

You can pull your eyes away from the hollow eyes of the Ghostface mask as you keep bandaging Sam's stab wound up, the feeling of shame making your throat tighten. 

Not ashamed of Sam but the fact you don't immediately want to run away. Call the cops or even scream. Instead you stand there as you treated her wound. 

"That's enough layers, Y/n." Sam's quiet voice breaks you out of your stare as you avert your eyes back to hers, stilling your hands as you lock with her brown eyes.

Oh those big brown eyes. 

Grief swirls around in her eyes as if she's already grieving your relationship; grieving her life. 

You take a deep breath as a shaky smile slowly forms on your lips making Sam's eyebrows scrunched together confused. 

"I'll never stop loving you." You whisper to her as you finish bandaging her wound up, dropping your hand from her elbow to place on her cheek. 

Sam leans into your touch laying her own cold hand over yours, looking up at you with a softer gleam in her eyes. 

"I'm not a bad person, I only hurt bad people I promise." Sam whispers in a gravelly voice. You feel some reassurance from that but what shocks you the most is the fact you're not sure if you wouldn't have minded if they were bad or not. 

Would it be a sin if you stayed with her? Probably. But killing is most definitely a bigger sin which only makes you think of one thing. 


You and her will still be together in the afterlife. 

"Let's go to bed, my love." You whisper as you offer Sam your free hand to take to help stand up. 

Sam stares at it for a moment before she complies and slides her hand into your hand, a small smile grazing her lips. 

Everyone has their secrets and who are you to share them with?

—————

authors note: i'd do anything for sam (i hate this so fucking much)

[multiversefanfics]

Dear Dean

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader Warning: cussing, sadness, heartbreak Summary: You broke up with Dean with a letter Letter in bold Word Count: 853

You, Sam, and Dean were on a hunt once again, you help Sam with the research you never actually go out on the hunt, but you and Dean argued before he left. He drunkenly flirted with a waitress in front of you at the bar the three of you went to last night, he didn’t realize what he was doing until he turned and looked at you after talking to the waitress, he sobered up quickly when you stormed out the bar. He mentally punched himself and followed you outside

“Y/N! Y/N wait!” He chased after you, but you didn’t stop walking. Dean caught up, grabbed your arm gently, and spun you around. “Y/N I didn’t mean it.”

You snatched your arm from his grip. “You didn’t mean it? C’mon Dean be fucking forreal, you always do this, and I’ve ignored it for so long but enough is enough.” You stared deep into his eyes, tears streaming down your face. “You never cared about me, the ‘tough guy’ act is getting old, and I’m tired of it!” You started to walk away, and he grabbed your arm again.

"Y/N, please, I can’t live without you, I love you.” You laughed coldly and rolled your eyes

“You don’t love me, if you did you wouldn’t flirt with every woman you see”

Dean looked defeated when you removed your arm from his hand again “I need space, Dean.” He nodded and backed away.

You continued back to the motel. You walked into the room you shared with Sam and Dean as soon as the door shut, you broke down, letting out small sobs. You stood there for another minute and took a deep breath

"Pull yourself together." You whispered over and over to yourself.

You finally pulled yourself off the door and over to the table. You looked around for pen and paper, and to no avail, you couldn't find any. "What motel doesn't have pen and paper?" You sighed and opened Sam's laptop "I guess this will do." You stared at the screen for a bit then began typing.

Dear Dean,

I want to start off by saying I truly love you and will always love you, but the way you've been treating me lately, I can't look past. I know you mean well, but you never take into account how I feel. You only care about yourself, and for some reason, I ignored those red flags. I loved the time we spent together, and there were some good times, and those are what I choose to hang on to.

You mean the absolute world to me, and it pains me to leave this, to leave you this way. I know Sam is standing in front of you, watching your facial expressions, please let him know that I am sorry to do this to you and him. You both are important to me, and maybe in the future, we can all be together again, but for right now, I need to go.

I love you, Dean Winchester.

With love, Y/N

You wiped the tears from your face and reread your note, you didn't even bother grabbing your duffle bag, it was full of Dean's clothes anyway. You sighed and took one last look at the room, then walked out the door. You hated leaving like this, but you knew if you did it in person, you wouldn't leave. Dean would give you those famous puppy dog eyes, and you'd fall right back into his arms.

You were long gone before the boys got back to the motel; Dean figured a few hours alone would be enough time for you to calm down and have a conversation with him. The entire time at the bar after you left, he chugged water to sober up. Dean came through the door hoping to see you in bed asleep or at least just lying there waiting for him.

He looked around for you, but you were nowhere to be found "Y/N?" He checked the bathroom, and that's when the panic set in. Did someone take you? He rushed back into the main room, still looking around, hoping you had just come into the room.

"Uh, Dean..." Dean stopped in his tracks and looked over at Sam who was fixated on the computer screen

"Not now, Sam. I can't find Y/N." Sam stood up, not taking his eyes off the screen

"Yeah, I think I know why." Dean's head snapped in the direction of where Sam was and he went over to see what he was looking at. Dean sat down and read the screen; he went through several waves of emotions in a span of 30 seconds. The last emotion he experienced was anger.

Dean flipped the chair to his right. Then punched the wall, and Sam flinched but didn't speak

"Fuck I'm so stupid!" Dean screamed, looking back at the computer.

"Dean, what happened?" Dean turned around to face Sam, tears streaming down his face

"I fucked up, Sammy." Dean broke down, falling to his knees, sobbing aggressively. Sam leaned down and held his brother while he cried.

A/N: I was in a bad mood while writing this, so I apologize for that. I hope you still enjoy it!😊 If you would like to be tagged in future fics, comment, message, or fill out this form

Main Masterlist - Dean Winchester Masterlist - Pt 2

[tinytonyy]

Yap And Gush: Deep Dives Into My Obsessions

When The Fandom High Fades—The Hunt For Something New

You know that feeling when you're totally immersed in a fandom? Every day is filled with fanfics, theories, and ships you can’t get enough of, but eventually, the buzz fades. After diving so deep into Hijack and Buddie, I’ve reached a point where it feels like I’ve explored everything, and nothing compares to that initial rush. The emptiness sets in, and I find myself searching for something new, but it feels impossible to recapture that excitement.

I’m constantly looking for the next fandom to get hooked on, but it’s not as easy as it seems. I set the bar so high, and everything else feels... underwhelming. Even though I know there’s a whole world of fandoms out there, after being so connected to one, it’s hard to jump into something new. The excitement of discovering a fandom for the first time is what’s missing right now.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way, though. The fandom cycle is something I know all too well. You dive in, get obsessed, and then, eventually, you reach a point where you’ve explored all there is. The transition isn’t easy, but the key is embracing the void. Eventually, a new fandom will come along when I least expect it.

Exploring smaller, niche fandoms has been a bit of a saving grace. There's no pressure to keep up with every update, and it’s refreshing to just enjoy something on your own terms. These fandoms are less overwhelming, and you get to decide how deep you want to go. It’s all about discovering something new without the stress of feeling left behind.

Going back to old fandoms has also been comforting. Rewatching shows or rereading fanfics can reignite that spark, even if it’s not new. Sometimes, the magic is still in the familiar. It’s about finding joy in what you’ve already loved, and that’s enough.

The beauty of this cycle is that we’re always searching for the next big thing. That’s what keeps fandoms alive—the excitement of discovering something that makes us feel alive again. The burnout? It’s part of the process, and without it, we wouldn’t get to experience that next spark. The fandom cycle keeps us moving and growing, even when we don’t know where that next obsession will come from.

Have you ever experienced the burnout of fandom obsession, and how did you deal with the search for something new? Did you find a fresh fandom that sparked that same excitement, or did you return to an old favorite?

Until next time, happy reading and happy yapping!

[sugoi-writes]

(Preview) Trigger Happy, Part 2

SOOOOOOO I reread Trigger Happy for like, the first time after posting it. And my god, it kinda DID things to me. So without further adieu, here is a sneak peek/prelude to Part 2. It's extremely fluffy. No content warnings for this one, other than implied spicy thoughts ( @ieatcocoa I blame you, in the BEST WAY)

MDNI, or I'll cut you

🩸🦌🩸

A few months had passed since your last weekend trip to the cabin. The crisp air of Autumn had been corrupted by the cool embrace of Winter. For Louisianians, there would be no white Christmas, but the promise of chilly mornings and frosty nights lingered with the season.

Life had ultimately gone back to 'normal' for the both of you, as if the tumultuous chase has never happened. Alastor's radio show swung without a hitch, gaining traction with his extensive coverage of the famous 'Bayou Butcher'. Meanwhile, you were performing particularly well at your own job, a promotion lining up for your hard work. Life had improved drastically. 

But... even in the heat of your success, the both of you started to become stir crazy. In your efforts to work harder, the both of you neglected your sanity. All of this for the sake of being 'better off', the both of you had decided. At least you both agreed on one thing: a short getaway was long overdue. Your recommendation for a cabin-filled weekend delighted your overworked partner. And so, you both had worked your magic to make the getaway happen.

🦌❤️🦌

It was Friday morning, just an hour after Alastor got off of work. (Thankfully, he had managed to switch prodcasting times with another coworker, guaranteeing an early departure). When you had packed the last of your bags, you snuck back to your closet once more. Pushing over copious amounts of clothing on the rack, you finally pull out what you'd been looking for: a white linen gown with lace trim... Or at least, it used to be white... It was the dress you wore during the last 'hunt'. 

The fabric was weathered, rumpled, and looked quite horrific, if you were being honest. You felt the heat rush to your cheeks as your fingers brushed over the fabric, erotic memories flashing across your mind. The heavy thuds of footsteps, the smell of the dank bayou, the crunch of withered leaves... And yet all of these memories paled in comparison to him. 

Alastor. 

His heated touch, labored breaths, and manic, brown eyes nestled deep into your debauched dreams. Dreams that you found yourself longing to relive...

You bit your lip, debating if you should pack the dress. You wondered if this would be subtle enough, or if your secret desire for a part two was too 'on the nose'. 

This thought was disrupted by the bedroom door creaking open, and the sound of Alastor's silky, serene voice. 

"Darling, are you almost ready? I've gotten everything else in the trunk so far--" 

Alastor catches you glimpsing at That Dress, his back stiffening as memory lane hits him. Hard. 

He grins soon after, his smile cat-like as he wanders over to you. You're quick to hide the dress behind your back, stammering an excuse. 

"Y-Yes, I have everything-- just-- just thought about this old thing, y'know? I may need to toss it. This filthy thing has been through enough… It's just hanging here, collecting dust." 

Alastor clicks his tongue against his teeth, chuckling at your horrible attempt to deflect,"Dear, why would you want to get rid of this relic? I rather like the dress, you know~" When you avoid his gaze, Alastor sighs dramatically. He reaches behind your back, gently tugging the garment out of your rigid grasp. You can’t help the sheepish noise you make when he slings the dress over his shoulder, letting it hang off of him like a disheveled shawl. 

"Check the back of the closet, dear. In my garment bag," Alastor offers gently, stepping up beside you. You squirm as Alastor places a kiss on your temple and an impossibly large hand on your waist," I have something for you; perfect for the occasion, I'd say." 

You blink in surprise, throwing him a questioning look. Money wasn't exactly tight in your household, but the gesture surprised you all the same. A gift… for you? 

You're met with a beautiful sight. A pristine, red nightgown that made an apple look pink. Upon touching it, you realize it was satin; much nicer than the cotton one you originally had. Your mouth fell agape, your eyes widening in tandem. Dumbfounded at the sight, you hardly moved as Alastor kissed your cheek again. His sincere smile only grew as he gave your waist an affectionate squeeze. 

You follow his suggestion obediently, rummaging carefully until you hit Alastor's bag. While it usually hosted his dry clean-only suits, you noticed that it was uncharacteristic thin. Paper-thin, even.

You take down the bag from the bar gingerly, heart racing with curiosity. Alastor was just as eager, watching you with baited breath as you eased the zipper down. 

"Better to be prepared than not, right~?" Alastor mused, taking your free hand. You finally look his way when you feel a featherlight kiss press to your knuckles.

"This is--" 

"Yes yes, darling, it is. I figured it's only fair that you were dressed in my colors this weekend~" Alastor all but purred, his eyes full of mischief.

"Alastor, it's... Really beautiful. I hope it wasn't too much--"

Another kiss, this time just above your knuckles. A trail of sweet, deceivingly innocent kisses started to ascend your arm. Ever the cheeky man, Alastor was. 

"My love, nothing is ever too much for you. Think nothing of it. Simply wear it... It would make me very happy to see you in it."

You comtemplated his words, really taking them in. Like the lush fabric of the nightgown, you felt... Soft. You were almost liquid smooth, a flush festering on your skin under Alastor's affections. When he had kissed all the way up to your cheek, you turned to meet his lips with your own, smiling blissfully. Thankfully, Alastor didn't seem to mind the interruption

"Well, I guess I can't say no when ask me so sweetly... 'Can't let such a pretty dress go to waste, then~" you chime, giving Alastor another kiss. In fact, to air on caution, you zip the laundry bag closed, tucking it under your arm. You wouldn't want to risk ruining it before Alastor got his chance to...

"And," you added, a renewed glee coursing through you,"I think I'm ready to head out now~" 

Alastor reflects your smile, pressing a firm kiss to your lips to seal the deal.

"Off we go, then. Oh– and I think we should take the scenic route this time, if that’s alright..." You practically giggle as your arm is taken into his, allowing your beau to lead you out of the bedroom. 

"Honey, I would love nothing more." 

🦌🩸🦌

[clevercatchphrase]

2024 Year in Review~

Getting a head start and typing this on December 26th at 3pm, though I don't think I'll get it done on this same day. I'll probably get it up exactly on January 1st, though.

This is the sixth time I've made one of these retrospectives of my year. these are mostly just for me, talking to myself so I can look back at it later in the year. These recap posts always end up extremely long, and never get a lot of notes, but that's fine~ You're welcome to take a peak into my thoughts and read along if you'd like. I'll mostly be talking about the goals I set for myself, what I achieved, what I failed, and thoughts and feelings I had throughout the year.

Let's begin...

As always, I'll start with my New Year's Resolutions for 2024. this year I had 9 serious goals and 4 casual goals. The serious goals being;

Read twelve new books (one book a month)

Reach 312 pages of Ghost Switch by June 18th (the 6th birthday)

Build (and maintain!) a comic buffer of 8 pages

Go walking on 3 new greenways around my neighborhood

Go camping by myself

Make at least one new song comic

Finish 4 video games to as close to 100% as I can

Finish the first rewrite of my 2023 nanoproject, and

Write 4 one-shots for BSapT

The 4 causal goals were;

10. Get reacquainted with Neocities and make a personal website

11. Learn to code to improve said website/learn to make games

12.Listen to the entire royalty free youtube library for reasons

13. Research every d.o.n.g. ever featured on VSauce, for neocities reasons.

13 goals in total. Let's dive into them one at a time in the order of appearance.

Read twelve new books a month. I did this! I actually did double and read 27(OR, you could argue I did QUADRUPLE because I bought and reread the entire 27 volume set of Fullmetal Alchemist this year in October). I am mostly going to copy and paste the discord entry I made for the notes on each book, so please pardon typos. It was mostly stream of consciousness. The books I read this year were; 1) Whitefoot the woodmouse. Cute, average. Very similar to the johnny chuck book with the main character starting a family. I think this is the first t.w.b. book where a character used the word "idiot". I liked the short section with the rabbit, snowy owl and ermine the best.

2)The adventures of Benny Badger. Fine~ feels like an older book with the inclusion of a Mr. Fox character, no poems at the beginning of each chapter, and no hint of the next book at the end of the story. Almost thought the mouse at the end of this one would be eaten, but Thornton continues to stay pg for this series.

3)Dire: Feathers and Flame Fine. Needs more world building. Quite a few grammar mistakes. Griffin society doesn't make sense, and it feels like the characters are set up to fail. Bad names. Eural sounds like 'urinal' in my head.

4)Griffin QuestWritten by a 16 year old and it shows. Very short and very rushed. No grammar or spelling mistakes, but characters have little to no development/form relationships to quickly without any true connection shown.

5)The FifthOkay! Solid for a debut. Too many characters honestly, and some don't get enough development because of it. This world is too trusting. Polara was never challenged enough. Confusing that "dragon" is used as a catch-all term for people, and actual dragons are called drakes/wingless drakes. I don’t like the phrase “wingless drakes,” honestly. It makes them feel… lesser? Othered? Compared to the drakes with wings. It’s as if saying “having wings is the default, therefore, they are “normal” drakes, and we have to specify that you’re different.” If it was Winged Drakes AND Wingless Drakes, (both having the descriptor), this wouldn’t be a problem. Think of it like… the humans and the black humans. Why you gotta specify, right? Makes it sound like they don’t belong.

6)The adventures of Unc'a Billy Possum Pretty good! I like the different speech patterns used for billy possum. Gives billy possum a very distinct character compared to all the other animals.

7)The adventures of bob WhiteEasy going~ I feel all Thornton books are actually about 2 characters instead of just The one mentioned in the title. Peter rabbit showed up a good amount in this book, and then, like, the last 3 chapters switched to one of bob white's sons instead. Still a good book over all~

8)The adventures of Old Man CoyoteAn… Interesting one of Thornton's to be sure. Younger me would have spent days sorting out my feelings on this one without being sure why, but older me knows the true heart of the problem. I was not sure if this was an immigrant's story or a colonizer's. Thornton does a great job of balancing both ideas. Coyote is a predator and unashamed of it. He's crafty and sly. All the current residents of the green forest are wary and afraid of him and rightfully so because he will eat them with no hesitation. The other predators (granny and teddy fox) do not want him their because he competes for their resources. Their worries are justified. At the same time, he is just one coyote. He is an animal filling an unoccupied niche. He must eat to live and hunt to eat. That is not his fault he was made that way. Are the foxes merely being greedy and xenophobic? In the end, coyote stays and the status quo changes, but the current residents aren't subjugated. They dimply must learn to live with this new predator. A shaky kind of peace is formed between some of the forest people and coyote, like that between the porcupine and peter rabbit, but I know from Thornton's previous books that that peace only lasts as long as stomachs are full.

9)The Adventures of Prickly PorkyRather short? This book would have bothered me for accuracy reasons if I had read it as a kid. On the whole, Thornton's books to not anthropomorphize to a wild degree. But there were two instances in this book that stuck out to me. One was when prickly porky was choking and un'ca billy possum reached in his mouth and pulled the stick out of his throat. The other was insinuating that porcupines curl up and roll down hills as a method of travel. The latter became the focus of a good half of the book, too, and it kind of annoyed me by the end because nothing else creative was happening in the story.Just remembered a third thing that bothered me about prickly porky's book! There's a continuity contradiction! In old man coyote's book, he was a new comer meeting all the other characters for the first time, including prickly porky, who was written to sound like an established resident. But In porky's book, HE was the newcomer from the north meeting all the characters for the first time, including coyote, who was written to sound like an established resident. Which came first?? They cant both be the new guy while other has lived there their whole life. (According to Wikipedia, porky came first and coyote literally second as that's the order the books were published, back to back, but I think I like the idea of porky being there before coyote.

10)Griffin Quest 2Shallow and simple as the first. The reveal that both sora and draven are related to Helios and selene felt contrived. The whole concept of a city surrounded in flames didn't feel thought out. At least in the first book they mentioned the struggle the gryphons were going through just to get water and sleep in eternal day, but after helios takes over, are those not problems anymore? How is everyone not starving or dying of thirst? How is everyone BREATHING? doesn't fire burn oxygen? Or is it a magic fire that's just hot and doesn't actually produce smoke? Does ariana have ice powers too since she's also related to selene? Mel's character was dumb. Was he a gryph from another kingdom or just highborn? If the first one, then how the hell did he and draven go to school together? What was up with the blind spirit gryph in this book? She was never mentioned before, just showed up with some deus ex Machina, then fucked off. This book has no depth, no meaningful message and no compelling themes. Everything is so rushed and surface level. It's actually kind of fascinating how bad it was.

11)The Adventures of Danny Meadow MouseActually kinda forgettable? Not bad, but ive read better. Cant really remember much of it, even though I finished it less than a month ago. The use of fully voiced cast for each of the characters was actually more distracting than immersive.

12) Old Mother West WindFun! A short story collection. Very gentle and kind. Predators were even friends with the prey in this book, which was a nice change of pace.

13) Griffin in Light First 1/3rd was good, 2 third was a slog, final third felt like a retread of The Silver Griffin. I will read the second book when it comes out, though. I love all the fantasy races that lackey comes up with.

14) Hunters UnluckyFound this book by typing "xenofiction" into the Amazon search bar then looked it up on a book pirate website. It was pretty good! I'll probably buy the ebook to support the author. It's very long. Over 200k words, I believe. The first 10 or so chapters of the first "book" were very short and exposition-y and I did not like it at all, but it got better and less info-dumpy as it went along. Interesting creature creations, though an omnivorous ungulate that can climb trees feels a liiitle too improbable sometimes, and the cresea just felt like lions/pumas. The world building was fun if not a little too socio-political at times. Got a little confusing since these creative's social structures were so different from our own. Books 2 ad 3 were the best. Book 4 was probably the worst. Book 5 dragged with its sudden new pop up villain of treace, and then with the lishtees. But I'd like to read more stories from this world. Apparently has a small, active fandom on tumblr to this day!

15) Mother West Wind's Animal Friends StoriesBehold! The first Thornton w Burgess book I didn't like! I really did not care for the first 2/3rds of this book. It feels like a collection of his earliest stories where all the characters are way more human than normal. They talk about the animals wearing clothes in a very literal way, the characters used tools like baskets, which just pulled me out. The last couple of stories were fine, but I cant recommend this one as highly as the others.

16-26) Arc's 2 and 3 of Wings of Firereread the second and third arcs of wings of fire again (this time in audio book form) the second arc is just so slow?? I forgot how much time was spent in the school in moon rising (aka the whole book). I forgot how annoying winter was. Escaping peril still remains my fave of this arc. Turtle’s book was also growing on me this reread, but qibli's book was just so unnecessarily long that it hurts. The third arc (which I'm still in the process of listening to, but will def finish before the year ends) still holds up in books 1 and 2. I remember liking 2 the most for all the imagery (and 1 as well. Fun new places, even if I don't care all that much for push over blue) but the 3rd book is pretty sluggish. Sundew has so much pent up anger with no real outlet for it, and its starting to get annoying. Bumblebee is not cute. She is annoying, too, and while I'm all for gay relationships, I just do not like willow as a character. She does not support sundew enough or take her side as much as she should. She's too passive and complacent.Book 14- better than I remember! I think I even like it more than sundew's book. Book 15- just as bad as I remember. Pointlessly long like book 10, and the whole mindspace location is still just as confusing and nonsensical as I remember. I do not like freedom. She's not tragic, she's annoying, but at least less annoying than bumblebee.

27) Dragonfall I bought this book at the Barnes and noble grand opening. Interesting narrative style with first person direct, first person (regular) and third person. Sometimes I felt emotional or logical transitions were missing. Like, "I thought this character felt one way, but now we're doing something that contradicts it." Like…. Everen was excited to chase a prophecy and willingly jumps into a magic storm, but once he's in the human world he's mad that he was pulled through?? Like?? He knew the storm would take him there and he went on purpose, so why is he upset?? I like that arcady is a genderfluid protagonist (though the only reason I think Everen used 'you' pronouns for them was so the author didn't have to say "they") didn't realize this was a heist + enemies to lovers book. Didn't really care for the romance. Probably will not buy book 2. 3 stars from me.

28) Impossible creatures.Saw this one at the b&n grand opening as well, and glad I didn't get it. Too fast paced. Definitely for younger readers. Character personalities were a bit thin and shallow. Kinda just an over all sad book. 2 major characters die. A little too rushed. Not very deep or thought provoking. Nothing ever felt "dangerous". But the illustrations in the book? Fucking beautiful. 10 outa 10 for the artist.

Overall, a good year for reading! Griffin Ranger 4 came out this year, and I bought it as soon as I could, but I am still waiting patiently for 2025 to come around so I can read both books 3 and 4 of that series and have it count for next year’s reading list. Shadow Sun, the sequel to Rise of the Dragon Star, also came out in the second half of this year, and I will definitely be looking into that one as well! I think The sequel to The Fifth also came out this year? I have to double check. Great year for griffin book publications that will really help me hit my goal for 2025.

Goal Number 2! Reach 312 pages of Ghost Switch by June 18th! (Ghost Switch's 6th birthday) I did this one with relative ease! Great year for Ghost Switch over all, imo. We hit the half way point, we're chuggin' along through waterfall, and I got the majority of the comic mirrored to Pillowfort.social, as a back up in case tumblr goes down in flames. In fact, because I want pillowfort to succeed, I'm going to try and have pages be one week ahead over there to help drive traffic to the site. (patreon will thus be 2 weeks ahead). I'm also looking into comicfury to host Ghost Switch, but I may hold off on that until the comic is almost done. Having it update on 4 sites (patreon, tumblr, pillowfort and DA) is a lot to maintain already. I know I also thought about crossposting to webtoons as well, but I heard a lot of shitty things about webtoons this year, and I don't think I want to any more. (not like they'd make this comic an original anyway since it's not my IP, but I don't want to give them any more traffic if they don't start treating their creators fairly) So yeah! Go check out pillowfort if you aren't there already! It's free! It's small and a little quiet, but I believe it has the potential to grow and be like tumblr of old~

Goal 3; Build and maintain a comic buffer of 8 pages. Nope. Didn't do this. I got waaay too burnt out by september and could barely manage one page a week. whenever I make a buffer, it always ends up running out. The only way I could keep up a buffer at this point is if I make the comic in its entirety before I even post it.

Goal 4; go walking on 3 new greenways around my neighborhood. I didn't go walking once this year, aside from when I camped. I don't even know why I put this one on the list. As if I thought I would actually go outside on my own accord.

Goal 5; go camping by myself. I did this for the eclipse in april and it was wonderful. I should do this every year. you can read more thoughts I had about my camping trip further below.

6) Make one new song comic. I had planned to do this. I honestly thought I WOULD do this one, since I have a good track record of making one song comic at least every two years. I had even had this one planned for at least 4. It was going to be be a chara-centric comic to the song "It's Only" by Odesza, for Undertale's ninth birthday. I was going to try something new for this comic by using a limited color palette of 4 colors, those being solid black, pure white, determination yellow, and soul red. I thought it would have looked cool. I scripted the whole thing, but then... as the deadline got closer and closer, I just... didn't have the heart to do it anymore. I don't know why. When I opened up SAI t start drawing, I just... suddenly had no more drive. I'm kinda glad I didn't do it in the end. It was going to be a bit more of an edgy/dark lyrictale focusing on the no mercy route, but after we got some asriel/chara lore on the ninth birthday, I'm glad I didn't make it. if anybody else wants to make a limited color palette, chara focused lyrictale to the song "It's Only" by odesza, be my guest. I would love to see how it comes out~

7) Finish 4 video games (as close to 100% as I can.) I did this~ The games I played and completed this year were; Horizon Forbidden West, The Talos Principle 2, Original Pokemon Silver, and Carto. I had a lot of fun with all of them, even if I never 100% any of them, I did play them to completion. (I never fully got the hand of Carto's controls, though. Adorable game, terrible control scheme.)

8) Finish the rewrite of Featherlight's Sequel. I did not do this. I mostly focused on Featherlight instead. Made a lot of progress and even got half of it posted on line! (on pillowfort, where you need to log in to read it, but again, Pillowfort is free! Come check out my story if you like xenofiction and gryphons!) After working on Featherlight for most of november, I think I just need to do a major overhaul of the sequel, Greyscale, from the ground up. Even though I had forced out 50k words for it in 2023, it just wasn't working, honestly.

my last serious goal for 2024 was to write 4 oneshots for Blankets, Socks, and Pillow Talk, over on ao3. I didn't do this this year because I just didn't feel inspired. I don't feel "done" with writing Undertale fanficion, not by a long shot, but I don't want to force it out if I don't feel inspired. Writing is hard, I know that from experience, but trying to write when I'm just not in the mood is even worse. I still have ideas and prompts for BSaPT that I've had for years, but I just don't know how to go about executing. (I can promise you, though, once I know how to get the story started, the rest comes easily, so it's just the problem of getting over the initial hump)

So! 4 out of 9 of my serious goals were met this year! That's!!! not a good ratio. I had 4 additional casual goals, and just re-reading them I know I only did 2 of those four, those being "learn to code" and research every D.O.N.G. collected by Vsauce in the past. The reason I did both of these things WAS to work on my Neocities website that I made in 2023, and haven't touched since. I've been doing coding lessons on Sololearn and Mimo coding, (though I had to stop the latter after a couple months when I ran out of free lessons to do). It's been fun brushing up on my old html skills, and learning python for gaming reasons as well. I've made a couple of my goals for next year related to my neocities website, so let's see if I actually put those coding lessons to work!

So! in total, over all, 13 goals were made and six were met! That's about 50 percent, but that's usually what my record tracks to compared to past years! Now on to next year!

My Goals for 2025 are;

Read 12 new books (one a month)

Work on neocities website. (add at least 4 new pages; my song comics, my fan fics, my original writing, fun links)

Get to 400 pages on gs before Dec. 31st (CASUAL GOAL)

Write one fan fiction for one fandom that isn't undertale (Wandersong, fma, wof, the crackfic)

Watch 4 new anime (dungeon mesh, mha, hunter x hunter, mob psycho)

Start and stick to an abs and back exercise routine (CASUAL GOAL)

Get all of Featherlight up online (royal road?)

Do something for undertale's 10th anniversary

Play at least 4 video games in my steam library that I haven't touched before.

Start experimenting with Ren'Py and Godot (CASUAL GOAL)

Post one chapter of clemency

Don't really have any casual ones this year. I guess 3, 6, and 10 can be considered casual. I just hope I find the time to actually do most of these. I feel if I didn't have to work in order to maintain my right to exist, I would be reaching my goals much easier. But that's capitalism for ya, baby.

Now onto my thoughts that I had over the last year! I am mostly going to copy/paste these from discord as well, minus the ones that are waaaay too personal, so please pardon any spelling errors. Most of these are stream of conscious writings.

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January 7th. New schedule at work has everyone on reduced hours as we enter the off season. I got to leave at 1pm. After going home and changing, I went back out to academy to buy new work and house shoes. It was CROWDED at the store. I saw these obnoxious purple nike shoes, and wanted to buy them so bad, but they didnt have them in my size. Bought some stupid bright ass white and blue shoes instead. I tried wishing Allyson happy birthday on the 1st, but my text sidnt go through. I wonder if she blocked my number. I wonder if she's doing okay..

January 10th. 1/3rd of the month is over already. On January 8th, I had to do a closing shift. It is so weird staying until 7pm and driving home in the dark. Why did it feel like people were more likely to tailgate me on the highway after 7pm? Should have worked on my comic or novel while at work, but was a little to anxious with the time change. I need to build a big buffer of comic pages in order to get to 312 by June 18th. I want to do so much creative stuff, like write fan fiction and animate and crochet, and I actually have the time now to I, but I'm getting paralyzed by choice.

I watched "undertale under event" late last year and I'm kind of curious if I can join for this year 👉👈 wish I knew about this showcasing project sooner. It's finally getting cold! The weather is below freezing most mornings, then warms up during the day. I hope it doesnt rain ice or snow or I will be screwed because my car cant handle that weather. (Fun Fact, I completely forgot to apply for Undertale Event 2024, and absolutely missed it this year)

Been playing horizon forbidden west some more. Still just grinding for weapon and outfit upgrades. I looked it up, and there are 2 "comic days" each year, 24- hour comic day on the first Saturday in October, and comics day on February 1st. Ive always wanted to participate, but never knew the right date. Feb 1st is a Thursday this year, so I will likely be at work, but I want to do an all-day art stream on weds the 31st instead, and make it public for everyone just because I can.

January 19th, Been having a blast looking into old d.o.n.g. sites. A good half of them are defunct or broken due to the discontinuation of flash, but for the ones that still work- it is the old weird internet that I missed having as a kid. I need to learn to code so I can build a neocities website. Ive been doing Mimo daily for a month now. A lot of the lessons are locked behind a paywall, though. Might try to switch to sololearn once I finish all the free stuff I can access. Ive also been doing a free ASL app daily too. The app needs more work, but for what I can access for free, its pretty decent.

January 30th, I cant believe January isnt even over yet. One more day and then we're finally on to a new month. The one week of texas winter has passed. I highly doubt it will get below freezing again. Most days lately have been pretty nice. Low 40s in the morning, high 60s by the afternoon. I had another/first anxiety attack of the year! Work related like the last two. I was worried I'd be forced to go to a pet cpr class that I was signed up for without being asked. Been reeeeaaaally into learning ren'py and godot tutorials lately. It's exciting to learn code and how to program. I'm still chipping away at all the free lessons on mimo, but have started doing sololearn along side it. (Might just zero in on python because of ren'py and for it, and maybe c#). Still slowly going through dongs. Successfully clicked through 200 out of 1500. Been REALLY back into neopets as well because unconverted pet art was re-introduced to neopets. I am ashamed to say I spent over 150 actual real life dollars on the websites in order to buy slots and style kits. I'm finally transferring all my old pets onto 2 or 3 accounts instead of the 10 I rotated on as a child across my two emails(dont tell neo, I’m abiding by the rules now). Having fun pound surfing on lost and pound for old pets and cool names. Might get rid of some poorly named pets ive had for years, like the bori adopted back in... 2006? It's been so long and he was never a favorite because of his name. (I plan to straight-up "redo" him, by making a better-named pet his identical match, lol.) I lost my old pet stories on their pet pages when I transferred them over.

I plan to do an all-day comic stream tomorrow, so I need to go to bed early. I also need to sketch/scan some more pages.. Hope a few people stop by. I also want to make an April fool's post this year, but dont know if I'll have the time (or if it will line up with the comic's pacing for what I want to do.) I went to walmart and bought more seeds and dirt again. I started planting my seeds last week, extra early this year because im scared the extreme heat of the later months will kill them all again. But the temperature is perfect right now. I'm growing peas, carrots, asparagus, and even watermelon. Im also growing cat grass and a few different types of flowers. I hope my flowers have better luck this year than last.

March 7th, Been trying to be more conscientious of how happy i am. If things bother or upset me, i try to change them. If I'm bored or anxious I find activities to do to cheer me up. One of the things ive been doing this year was looking through old vsauce dongs. I found a website that does multiplayer puzzles and I've become hooked. The reason I started looking at dongs was to build a list for a personal website that harkened back to the early 90s internet days. I miss how weird the internet was back then. A lot of the old dongs are defunct, but a good handful still work. Sadly, a lot of them are not that interesting. Speaking of my personal website, i need to get back to it. I haven't touched it in a year, but I have been trying to teach myself code in order to improve it. Ive been using mimo and sololearn to practice coding, but only the free stuff they offer. I'm almost out of mimo courses, and the sololearn classes dont really have you practicing the code you're actually learning, so the lessons dont really stick. Ive also been looking into games that teach you how to code as you play. At work on my work phone ive been watching a lot of youtube videos that talk about video game development. I want to learn and do so much but all at once. It's almost paralyzing.

I started packing my suitcase for my camping trip next month. My trunk is already full of sleeping bags, the tent and a chair. I need to finalize my menu and shop for food. I'm excited and nervous, mostly about driving up there on my own. Pulling my suitcase out made me realize I really need to clean out my closet and organize my room in general. I have so many papers just strewn in my desk and so many knick-knacks crammed in my closet. I kinda want to itemize everything. Random memory- I got real obsessed with an old Wendy's ad campaign called "it's good to be square". Those commercials were so funny to me. Never made me want to eat at Wendy's though. I voted on super Tuesday. I wish voting wad mandatory and punishable by fine. I'm scared for this November, but I will vote for sure. Been slightly re-obsessed with neopets ever since they rereleased unconverteds. Bought neocash to buy extra pet slots and moved all my side pets over. Now I'm training them up just because I can. I gotta look into neocash item trading. There's a couple of things I want that are retired now..

In a fit of motivation, I edited the second chapter of featherlight yesterday. It took me hours, and im still not done, but it flows better than it's first draft. Hope I can stay motivated to edit the rest. I keep daydreaming of putting copies of my book in little free libraries that they have around neighborhood parks and such. Still debating if I want to publish my book to be free or to be bought and sold.. It should be nice to make a living off of my writing, but I doubt I ever will.

March 13, I went to half price books for the first time in a couple of years. The building hasn't changed at all, but I think they did away with plastic bags. I found the 3 gryphon books by Mercedes lackey and bought them, as well as joust, the dragon book she wrote, and two CDs, one being a Jesse cook CD. I recently bought a CD/dvd player to hook up to my laptop, but I wonder if I can find just my basic CD player that you use with headphones. I hate how many things are "wireless" and use usb and have rechargeable batteries. I want good ol' devices that need double As. Any way, it was healing to be in a h.p.b. I also went to 3 thrift stores to look for work pants. Goodwill and the salvation army sucked, but thrift city is always there for me. I found 5 pairs of men's shorts that fit me great and all of them have nice deep pockets! Hopefully I wont have to go shopping for work clothes again for a while.

March 21, Nani's gotcha day was on the 18th! Ive had her for a full 4years now~ I watched two movies on Netflix yesterday; puss in boots and the last wish, and the Mitchell's vs the machines. The puss movie was very fast pace, but had very tight writing. It was great, despite me being spoiled on it for well over a year and knowing every beat that was going to happen. (I do NOT like the new dreamworks opening though) the mitchells vs the machine movie was surprisingly funny! But also so. Damn. LONG. It was also a good soul cleanse, being so sincere and genuine despite the irony poisoned world we live in right now. I want more movies with this kind of heart. For the first time since January, ive noticed I haven't been as happy or content as I want to be. Boredom sneaks up on me and periods of anxiety are sneaking into my thoughts. For example- I've been a lot more strict with my "watch later" list on YouTube. It used to be so long. I'm slowly cutting it down, but ive noticed that not many of the videos make me happy, nor do I remember much of what I watched. I find that I mostly just watch/play youtube videos for background noise. Im not really multitasking like I thought. Now, as soon as I realize I'm not retaining what im watching or the moment I lose interest, I click a way. I don't want to waste my time on things I don't care about anymore. Been really interested in going back to my fox game. Maybe I will this year.

March 31, Watched nimona finally. Very good story! Sometimes the lighting of the animation was distractingly flat, but the narrative was so strong you hardly pay attention to it. (Unlike in Wish, where the story was so unengaging that you DO notice all the tiny flaws.) Nimona's character actually kinda bothered me at first. I get that she's headstrong and boisterous, but even I think she'd want to keep a low profile and STOP TRYING TO MAKE BALLISTER LOOK BAD. If she KNOWS people are likely to jump to conclusions, why validate those fears around her to begin with? WHY would she especially do this to blackheart when she knows he's trying to prove his innocence? I wish this aspect of prejudice had been explored more in the movie. Oh, and also, am I really supposed to believe that in A THOUSAND YEARS ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE HAS QUESTIONED WHAT IS OUTSIDE THE WALL OR WHY ONLY THE UPPERCLASS GET TO BE KNIGHTS?? I could suspend my disbelief juuust enough to enjoy the movie, but these thoughts WERE on the back of my mind. Maybe I'm too aware of social inequality today to not have these ideas in mind when watching a queer coded film like this. I read the nimona comic in full the day after I watched the movie. It's.... Different. Not bad, but different. You can clearly see where the movie got inspiration and direct homages. I do think the movie is more coherent, and the action and gesture... Readability? Intensity? Is sorely lacking in the comic. All poses are rather flat and generic. Not a lot of interesting angles or poses. (Granted, the comic was updated twice a week for 3 years straight so I understand the artist had to streamline the process as much as possible to keep up such a pace.)

Watched another movie on Netflix called latte and the waterstone. Its... Passable. Okay story, bad character design (especially for the squirrel) weak dialogue, nice music. I reeeeaaallllly hated how tjum the squirrel would hiccup whenever he was nervous. The tick is never addressed, but his hiccuping is a minor plot point so you'd think they'd at least put a little light on it? Based of a book of the same name, I think this film was originally German? The lip sync seemed weak near the end.

April 1st dream; got fucking pranked by my own subconscious. I dreamed my neopets account got terminated right after I managed to get all my pets unconverted again. Not because I broke any rules, but because someone didnt like the original stories I wrote for my pet's backstories when I was 13. They said the stories were all too problematic, and so TNT just deleted my account. Not even froze it. Just erased it from existence.

April 7 Been trying to be more mindful of myself and my emotions. For the most part, ive been happy and content, but last night I suddenly got very anxious for frivolous reasons. Found out that kique N, creator of a webcomic I hate called asmundr and home, is sooo insecure and creepy, that he would watch videos critiquing him, then investigate everyone in who talked about his work in the COMMENTS of those videos and block them on as many sites as he could find. My fan art deviant art account is blocked by him (but not my personal because he doesnt know it, lol) and I'm even blocked by him on PATREON. How delusional can he be? I learned his longtime girlfriend broke up with him because she finally caught wise to how insane he is. Im not too torn up about it because I just know I'm one of COUNTLESS people he's blocked, so it's nothing personal, but it is kinda unnerving how far he'll dig to find you on the internet.

April 8th. Took 4 days off from work to see the eclipse and go camping. It was cloudy today, and I couldn't see a goddamn thing. Caught glimpses of the sun becoming a crescent through the clouds but saw nothing when we went into totality. I could hear all the kids at the nearby elementary school screaming when it went dark. I took Nani outside for her to experience, but she did not care at all. It didnt get as dark as I thought it would. Probably as dark as thunderstorm weather.

April 9th. I cleaned up my room, packed the ice chest, and drove 100 miles out to Fredericksburg to go camping. The drive there was nice and uneventful. I mostly followed behind a FedEx truck for all of i10. Fedex ground double length truck #56132... You were my friend on that open road and I will miss you... Got to enchanted rock pretty much bang at 2. Quite the line for camping check ins at that time! I was the first in my camping area to arrive. I parked next to a truck whose license plate said freeedom with 3 'e's. I also saw a license plate that said chiken with no second 'c'. I set up my tent (incorrectly, I later learned) and unloaded all my stuff. There were 3 other families in the same camping area as me. By the time I finished setting up, it was already 4pm. It was hot and I didnt want to climb the rock that day, so instead I hiked some of the short trails around the front of the rock. I was already drained by, like, 6;30 and turned in early for the night. That night I had a ham and cheese sandwich for dinner. It thunderstormed at 7pm and the wind was SO. BAD. That night, I thought the rain cover was going to be ripped away. I kept waking up every hour or so because of the wind. Around 12, it stopped long enough for me to run to the bathroom to pee. I heard coyotes howling around 2-3am.

April10th. I woke up early, but I didnt want to get up too early compared to everyone else. I told myself to rest, relax and take my time. Other early hikers were already headed to the rock. I should have gone too to see the sunrise. It was windy in the morning. All I ate for breakfast was a banana and some oranges (and a chewy bar, I think. Cant remember now). I did leave my campsite by 7:30 and started hiking the rock by 7:40, because I distinctly remember getting a text message at 7:50 from my mom. I learned then that the only way I could get cell service at enchanted rock was if I was at 1000ft or higher above sea level for my phone's internet/Wi-Fi to function. I then quickly took the opportunity to check all my websites, duolingo, neopets, tumblr, etc, to keep any streaks I had going. My sign language app worked regardless of if I had Wi-Fi or not, which leads me to believe it's not as frequently updated/maintained as I would have believed. I made it to the top of the mountain by 8:20 and it was fookin' WIMDY up there. I couldn't hear anything by wind. When though the sun was blazing, the wind made it like 20 degrees colder. It felt like I was being fucking scratched! I wanted to climb little rock next, but I was too cold, so I went back down to get a wind breaker and ear muffs.

I rested for an hour before going back out around 10. This time I blazed my own trail, climbing up the fallen uneven boulders like an idiot. I made it to the top of little rock, which is much prettier than enchanted rock, I must say, and wondered around for an hour. There was a third rock to the west of little rock I wanted to climb, but it was getting close to lunch, so I scrambled down little rock, again striking my own path, and stumbled out through someone else's camping site before getting back to my own. The wind was so violent I couldn't start a fire. I ate a lunch of a peanut butter and banana sandwich with Pringles on the side. I tried to read and write, but the wind was too distracting And shaking my tent. I tried to sunbathe and tan in my tent, but it was too cloudy. I tried to nap, but it was too noisy. Instead, I went on an interpretive trail, found a spot of Wi-Fi, downloaded a book to read off line and checked the weather. The wind was supposed to stop by 7pm. The longest hiking trail at enchanted rock took 3 hours to complete. I rested in my tent until 3, then went out on the loop trail to kill time away from the noise of my own tent. The loop trail was gorgeous! Prettiest sights and landscapes by far. I climbed some weird rocks and ripped my pants sliding down one. Thankfully I still had my windbreaker, so I did the tried and true middle school trick of tying your sweater/jacket around your waist, and thus my ass was covered and noone could see my underwear!

The trail was so quiet and lonely, I only encountered 2 other groups going the other direction. At one point I heard a family catching up to me from behind, so whenever the trail sloped down hill, I jogged to keep distance, despite aching feet. Once I passed the buzzards roost camping site, I lost track of the trail and walked in the river bed. I managed to spot two other hikers on a cliff a bit above me and scrambled out of the river bed and found the path again. It was so narrow and rocky. The last third of loop trail isn't worth it imo. If you take loop trail in a clock-wise path like I did, turn and follow the baseline trail at the 2/3rds mark. Far prettier and easier to keep track of. Anyway, it was about 5:30 and still broad daylight when I heard a pack of coyotes howling from around turkey peak. I do not know if turkey peak or buzzards roost are off limits to climbing, since it has no dedicated paths. I was curious about climbing them, but if coyotes live there, then I think I won't. I made it back to mt campsite by 6, the wind had died down enough for me to light my propane stove. I grilled 2 hotdogs and they were the best thing I'd eaten all day. I took a full dose of sleep aid that night and was out by 9 thanks to physical exhaustion. I did take a shower around 730, but it was just a glorified whore bath with a scrubby because I forgot to bring soap. I read the offline book i'd downloaded for about an hour before passing out. If there was any wind or coyotes that night, i didnt hear them. (Oh, I did try to stargaze Wednesday night, but it was too cloudy. I saw a couple Tuesday night, but was too tried to hike out to a good spot, plus it rained.)

April 11th. I woke up early again today, but forced myself to stay in my tent until I could hear other campers waking up. I finally had to get up around 6:30 because I really needed to pee. I ate a quick breakfast of grilled sausage patties and the rest of my oranges (mostly for the juice) then began to roll up my sleeping bags and pack my suitcase and car. It seemed that 2 of the 3 other families also only planned a camp trip of 2.5 days and 2 nights, because they began packing up too. The sight of them packing kind of... Upset me? And it makes me wonder if I have abandonment issues that I don't know about. I don't like the idea of people leaving before me. Leaving me behind. I got all my belongings fully packed away by 8am, and my campsite was cleared before anyone else, but I decided to hike one more trail before I left (mostly to kill time so I could then by some souvenirs from the gift shop that opened at 8:30).

I hiked the turkey pass/baseline/echo canyon trails. When I got up high enough (around 9:30) I told my mom I was heading out soon, letting her know I'd be home by 1pm. I got lost on the trail change from pass to base, and ended up hiking an extra .6 miles. I saw some rock climbers/repellers on the back of enchanted rock. The saddle area between enchanted rock and little rock was like out of a fantasy (and the only place I saw any graffiti my entire time there). I got back by 11:30, bought some art by ira Kennedy that really inspired me to try a dot style like his, bought some enamel pins and an eclipse magnet to commemorate the trip, even though I didn't get to see the eclipse there myself. (Apparently they didn't have much better luck that day either. It was mostly cloudy during the critical 2 minutes totality happened). It was fun camping by myself, and I think 2 half days, 1 full day and 2 nights was the perfect length. I'd like to go again, with friends to show them the trails, or by myself to climb the more dangerous peaks and that third flat one I skipped. Id also like to go again to really try star gazing.

Just being at enchanted rock was really... Mentally cleansing. I didn't talk to anyone, not even out loud to myself. I didn't think once about work (though I did think about Nani because I missed her). I saw a lot of cool plants, reptiles and birds, but no mammals. I did hear the coyotes howl the morning I left, though. I got sunburned on my face. Most of the other camper's cars were gone by the time I finished my last hike, which still made me feel weird because they left before me, but after I got my prizes from the gift shop, I went straight to my car and left too. (I was really nervous about the drive home because my gps didnt work inside of enchanted rock, and I had to drive about 7 miles off of memory before I got a signal).

Camping at enchanted rock felt surreally long and surprisingly short at the same time. I had no schedule or itinerary. All I did was wonder and explore for roughly 48 hours while there. By the time I left, the eclipse felt like it had been a month ago. The drive back felt shorter than the drive there. Once I got to 1604, I knew my way home. Arriving home in the mid afternoon was weird too. I unloaded my car as fast as I could because I knew I'd be too tired to do it later, but p much as soon as I stepped inside I turned on my computer, snuggled my cat for an hour, and took a full shower to get truly clean before bringing most of my luggage in from the porch. I watched 2 nature documentaries on pbs to relive the wilderness I just returned from. I caught up on 2 days worth of tumblr posts I'd missed and learned oj Simpson died. I slept great last night though my body is still sore from all the exercise I did in 2 days. (I also slept like a rock Wednesday night, but I think that was mostly in part to the sleep aid)

April 14, Youtube is being a shithead and "updated" their UI. I must've been a "lucky" random beta tester, because when I did a Google search on an extension to undo it, nothing came up. (That, or YouTube's parent company, which IS Google, is suppressing results). I remembered the next day that I have tampermonkey, and when I did a script search on greasyfork, I found quite a few userscripts that could undo the change (and several had spikes in "recent downloads" over the last w days, lol).Also discovered a completely random deviantart user who has me blocked for some reason. Probably because they're overtly Christian and I dared to portray their religion in a negative light in my undertale comic. Doesn’t bother me none. Lord knows I’ve blocked completely nice people just because I didn’t want to see their art pop up in the groups we both submit to. Speaking of deviantart, they recently "updated" all the groups on da, and now submitting stuff to them is waaay more complicated than it was before with so many extra steps and clicking. I think once I'm done putting my undertale comic up there, I'll stop using tje site for good. Too bad there arent very many other good art community websites out there. I should really get back into making my own neocities site…

April 20, It's not even been a week since I last wrote in my monthly journal but I feel as if so much has happened. Amber, one of our new hires, silently quit only after being here a week. I hope she found something better.. Ive been wanting to get back into writing my gryphon book, especially after finishing the extremely underwhelming "griffin quest" duology. I could write something so much better. I HAVE written better than torro's has. I'm getting close to the half way mark of my fan comic. I wish I had endless energy to work on that too, so I could build a buffer (or just make so many pages that I'd be done already). It takes up so much of my free time, Idk if I ever want to tell stories in comic format ever again this way. (I half wanted to translate Featherlight into comic, but the story just may be too damn long if this is how long it takes me to make a fan comic. I still may do it for other short story projects like dragonfruit or dogs cant see color) Steadily still working my way through dongs. I found so many good ones, but at least a good half are dead. Im still doing sololearn everyday, but I may quit that soon. I still want to learn coding for my neocities site, but sololearn isnt helping me as much as I thought it would.

Aurgh! I want to write! I want to code! I want to draw! I want to create!

Deviantart is still getting worse and worse. Ive seriously been considering looking into art community alternatives like Sheezy art, inkblot, and artfol. I wont completely jump ship yet, but after my fan comic is done, I don't think I'll post to da anymore..

May 8th, 2024. I beat horizon forbidden west today! The ending was shorter than I thought it would be. Easier, too. I think I had a harder time with zero dawn's final battle, honestly. Maybe this felt easier because I spent well over 100 hours just grinding upgrade items for better gear. I was already maxed out on level and most abilities by the end, but honestly I could have finished this game 2 months ago if I wanted. I feel like tilda's heel turn was kinda forced. I wish she'd stayed a good guy. Alva is my favorite, but I do love ketallo and erand as well. Sad (pissed) that varl had to die. And while I'm curious about horizon 3, idk if I'll ever play it. It sure isnt coming to ps4, I know that. (I honestly thought we were gonna fight nemesis at the end of this game. I was shocked when it was a to-be-continued)

Yesterday I finished 6 comic pages. I was up till almost 1am. I want to hit 312 by june 18th. I still need to make 8 more. (9, if i want patreon to stay ahead). I am exhausted already just thinking about it. I want to write and read more.

Scared for the world, this year's election, war over seas in countries I dont live in. Why do I feel like we are progressing backwards. I dont watch the news and I hate it when mom turns it on every day. It's too sad and stressful.

I stopped doing my daily sign language app after I forgot a day sooo close to a 100 day streak. I was just doing basic lessons over and over anyway. Might look for a new asl app. Might not.

So tired of the repetitiveness of work. We've got a lot of new hires. I wish we could all have 4 day work weeks. I need a break, though. The general air of unease is slowly coming back to me, like something is wrong or something bad will happen to me. I try to do my best, but I'm scared I messed something up without knowing, and no one will tell me because they want to use it against me in the future in order to fire me. All the more reason to get back into writing, create a well-selling novel and have no fear of losing my job because I will live off my book sales instead. Daydreaming is fun, but not the best coping mechanism..

Made banana cookies today! Came out great! They're more like mini banana bread bites if I'm being honest, but I just wanted to use up this one over ripe banana we had before it rotted.

Been rewatching a lot of old caleb joseph videos recently. I feel like I had stopped doing that for a while. He hasnt been active on patreon or any social media for almost 3 months now. His twitter was hacked, but recovered. Hope he's doing alright.

May 21st. I am sick with a fever. My body aches all over and I cannot get comfortable to sleep no matter what position I try. I'm hot and sweaty. My throat is scratched raw. A bug has been going around at work, and I caught it. I went to target for the first time in... I think since January? I remember going to buy flower seeds. They completely reorganized the interior. I went to target to find a nightlight because the one in my bathroom finally died. None of the night lights they sold were cute or fun, though. I ordered one from Amazon instead.

My fever brain has been obsessed with chillchuck and senshi from dungeon meshi, when though I have not watched a single episode or read the manga. I don't know why, but that's all I could think about last night as I tossed and turned with my body on fire.

June 16, Has it really only been 10 days since I last put in a journal entry? It feels so much longer than that. It dawned on me this morning that I haven't been playing a lot of my steam games recently. Granted I just spent months grinding and completing horizon forbidden west, but I haven't touched carto in months. I still need to catch back up on snakebird. I still want to play the talos principle 2, but still havent bought it. I have so many steam games I own but never played... I should fix that, but i feel I dedicate so much of my free time to my comic/fan project instead. Dont get me wrong, its fun to create stuff, but I wonder if I'm ever gonna have enough time to do everything I want, recreational or creational. I slept really hard last night, which is good because the night before I only slept, like, 4 hours. Ive been going to bed early, which is good because I get more sleep and feel more rested, but it feels like I'm losing what little free time I have. I dont want to wait until my weekend to do everything I want to do. I want to be able to do things I like/want to do even on days I work. I dont mind if I have to do them before or after, but I just need the time and energy. (Aka, work days are too long. 8 hour days should be made illegal in favor of 4 hour shifts to allow me to have time and energy for my own hobbies and needs) I hope one day my creative projects are profitable/sustainable enough so I dont have to work full time.. I daydream about it often, but doubt ill ever get there..

Also just realized I havent looked at any d.o.n.g.s in a few weeks as well. Need to get back to that, and website coding, and game dev education, and learning how to do every hobby under the sun. Maggie recently pit up a short story on her writing website. I think it was supposed to be a horror story, but I gotta be honest. Nothing maggie has ever written has ever scared me. (Maggie, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad) It's made me laugh with how ridiculous it is, but never ever creeped me out or unnerved me. Its probably a "me" thing. I remember not finding hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy funny out side of one suicide joke which got a snort out of me, nor did I find Guards! Guards! Funny either, and have never had the urdge to pick up another terry pratchet book because of it. I think it has something to do with the way I read and my internal voice I have in my head. I have a feeling if a snarky British person read guards guards to me with the correct inflection on all the right words, the humor would have hit better. I think I'm just too serious a reader. Then again, I remember reading Marley and me when I was younger and absolutely laughing out loud at that book. I think that author's writing style was more my taste and allowed the humor to resonate with me more. Ive been on a real kick editing Featherlight. So much so that I almost dont want to draw a comic page this week. I suck at multitasking. Its hard for me to put one project down and start another if I'm really into it. I just wanna keep going and see how much I can accomplish and finish. Ghost switch's 6th birthday is on Tuesday. Im about half way done with the story. I'm already trying to plan what I will do next after it's completed, especially patreon-wise. I think ill take a break, work on some fan fics, then do some short story comics, like dogs cant see color, or dragon fruit. I kinda had half an idea to make a comic version of Featherlight, but just seeing how long ghost switch is going to take? (12 years of my life!) I dont think I will.. Or, at least not all of it. Maybe ill illustrate a chapter or two to entice people to read the book instead?

I remember at the beginning of the year I told myself to monitor my happiness. I think I've been slipping a but since may. Ive been more neutral, but no anxiety/panic attacks yet this year. I think work is really just what's been bringing me down. All these new changes and new routines that is NOT making our jobs more streamlined or efficient. They keep piling on new expectations without realizing were already maxed out. I wish my managers would work beside us just to see how much they are asking of us. At least the rest of the staff are pretty strong coworkers. That is at least one thing for me to be grateful for during these fucking hot summer days. I miss my friends. I need more friends. But it's too hot to go anywhere or do anything. I want to go swimming. Maybe I will this summer. I think the school district's natatorium is open to the public in summer. Today is father's day. I dont think I'll call my dad. I have nothing to say. It's also been almost 1 year since my grandfather died. Two nights ago, Milton, my neighbor and Alice's husband, passed away from Alzheimers. I dont know how to feel about this. I dont like alice, but Milton was always pretty nice.

Yesterday I saw a humming bird! Sometimes I fear they'll go extinct in texas due to their high need for nectar, but all the flowers dying from the stupid heat.

June 18, Had a dream last night related to work and prepping food bowls. One bowl was custom made, and called "the piñata pancake" that was as follows; 4 waffles heated up in the toaster. Use a cookie cutter to cut a whole in the center of three of the waffles. 'Glue' the three waffles together with syrup and cool whip. Fill the hole in the three waffles with a candy of your choice (in my dream it was m&ms) glue the last waffle on top with more syrup and cool whip. Add sprinkles if desired and serve.

This recipe was for a dog breakfast.

June 30, Made a financially unwise decision yesterday and spent 50$ on 7 video games from steam. Don't know when ill have the time, energy or desire to play them, though. Curse the steam summer sale.

Raven, one of our newer hires at work, got fired yesterday for falling asleep and lying about it. Honestly, she will not be missed.

It's been a while since I listened to an audio book. I did listen to 12 this year, and I want to save more for next year, but I enjoy listening to stories on my commute to and from work. (Better than drama videos anyway.) Listening to overly negative videos is kinda starting to make me feel... Sick in a way? I'm constantly asking myself now "do you REALLY want to listen to this even though you know it will make you upset?" Sometimes it's hard to say no, but I'm getting better.

Played flightrising for the first time in over 2ish years for the light flight holiday event. (I honestly just wanted the familiar. They're doing gryphons this year~)

I always have so many little things I need to do on my weekends, but then I just don't do them when the time comes. Like cleaning my book shelves or buying new socks. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. All these small chores are starting to pile up. I have Thursday the 11th off, but, like, I think I need a whole week's vacation to stay sane now.

Been thinking a lot of writing/drawing more short stories/comics. Ever since ghost switch turned 6 and we hit the halfway mark. It's still gonna take me another half decade to finish gs at least, but I'm already trying to plan for what I'll do after, if I'll do anything after. I always premeditate this stuff for years in advance, it seems. I think for the first time since I started drawing the comic 6 years ago, I'm finally getting tired of it and really want to do something else. (This inst entirely true. I just have to draw action/fighting poses next week which I'm not looking forward to. I usually feel better once I draw them and get it over with. I also miss having a buffer. Getting out 3 pages a week felt great and rewarding with all the constant feedback, but now back to a page a week feels very slow) I keep wanting to try to make another buffer, or at least plan/block out a couple pages in advance, but when ever I sit down to draw, I just want to nap instead.

July 16, Has it only been two weeks since I last updated this? I feel like so much has happened since then. I kept meaning to update sooner, but kept forgetting. The 4th of July came and went. It got a bit busy at work, but nothing unmanageable. Bri got appendicitis and had to have surgery. She was out for a week, but is back now. Ashton quit, but I feel like it was under duress, Austin was "on leave", but ally crossed her name off the contact list as well as her position, do I dont think she's coming back, and Alex wad fired for reasons I dont know and dont care about. All of our current staff is really on top of things and pretty good at communicating. I really like our core group of people at work right now~ I took the 11th off, and boy did I need it. I slept, like, 14 hours on Wednesday the tenth. I also got five comic pages done that week! It's a tiny buffer, but a needed one. I wanted to make more pages and get even further ahead, but I am going to see my friends tomorrow for the first time in about 9 months, do more comic pages will have to wait until next week. I want to buy a new mattress. I think I might have a uti. Not sure if that's causing me back pain or if it's bad bed springs. Caleb Joseph uploaded a patron video for the first time since... March? He sadly broke the news that his dog wally had unexpectedly passed in mid april. He wasn't even 6 years old yet. I no doubt blame the Amish breeders wally came from. (I gave my condolences, but did not say anything about bad breeders) now I've been researching all he old videos with wally in them since I now now we won't see him again. The last time he showed up in a video was the shaggy d.a., and he was barely over 2.that was 4 years ago.

August 2, Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race and it is likely that kamila harris will be the next democratic nominee. I was really worried at first that people's hatred for women and poc would hurt her chances, but the republican party has been shooting itself in the feet a lot recently, so I'm feeling more hopeful. Oh yeah, there was an assassination attempt on donald trump about 2 weeks back. The shooter was a white republican registered man. He missed, but good try. It's been raining a lot this July. It's certainly helped keep the heat down. I want to do more puzzles before this summer ends. So far we only did one. I learned how to download an emulator, and ive been playing a looooot of pokemon silver. Its been so nostalgic~

Mom told me she's been dating a guy for about a year now. I kinda figured since she's been constantly leaving the house to spend time with "a friend". I don't like that she's been hiding it, but this is her house and she's an adult so it's not really my business. It does make me want to move out faster, though. When will the housing market crash... I want to buy a house with no hoa so I can paint it purple. That is my current life goal.

July went on foreveeerrrrr. Artfight is over. I cant believe it's august. I need to start working on a song comic for undertale's ninth birthday. Ive been slowly editing my griffin book again, but I need to do some major overhauls for some sections and massive rewrites. I bult a small buffer of comic pages for ghost switch, but that's almost used up, so I gotta draw more of that too.

The Olympics are happening. Funny I forget that that's going on. I dont think we had one in 2020.

August 11, Two Saturdays ago it rained in the early morning and I saw a rainbow at work. I couldn't remember the last time I saw a rainbow irl and that made me kind of sad. The rising sun through the falling rain was quite beautiful. Liquid falling gold. I wish I could use the phrase golden showers but I cant because of kink reasons. Not to yuck someone's yum, but the piss kink community really stole such a nice descriptive phrase from us writers with that one.

August 17, Today I learned that the version of Mad World who I thought was written by Gary Jules was actually a cover of a tears for fears song. I do not know how to feel about this. It was disorienting and upsetting a bit. I wanted to deny it so hard. The original song is more "new wave" and waaay too up beat for my liking. I like Jule's version better.

I looked at pictures of lemurs today and was filled with joy.

August 25, Ordered a new mattress for myself on Friday. I felt that I had to for weird mental reasons. I told my mom and she gave me a disappointed look, saying "paqui says those mattresses aren't good".

Well, paqui isn't my friend. And even if she thinks its a bad idea, why can't she just try to be happy for whatever decisions I make? Speaking of mom, she's been spending so much time with her new boyfriend al. It makes me upset. I feel like she's rarely ever home anymore. It's really fucking up how we cook/eat dinner. I hope she doesn't plan to move in with him, or him to here. Makes me want to move out more and not tell her I'm doing it. She spent a lot of nights at his house.

September 3rd, 2024. Super busy day today. The helix mattress I ordered arrived on Sunday, but no one was home when FedEx put it on my porch. I got the alert at 11:51pm. I told my manager I had an expensive package waiting at home for me, so on my lunch break I sped home (avoiding no less than 2 cop cars) hauled the box in my house as soon as I pulled up, kissed Nani on the head, then immediately turned around and drove right back to work. 80 minute round trip. 4 gallons of gas burned that day. Today I was finally able to set up my mattress. I woke up at 7, pulled my old mattress off, then put my new mattress on and let it expand for 2 hours while I then went to the dentist. It has been POURING all day. As soon as I got on the road, all through out my dentist visit. After the dentist I went to the vet to buy more cat food for Nani. Visibility was so low even for those 5ish miles. After the vet I went to petsmart. The drive down down one street took nearly 30 minutes because the roads were so flooded. I wanted to get a heated cat bed for Nani since my heat pad broke, but they didnt sell any. Neither did target or Wal-Mart. I went to the chiropractor but the guy who adjusted me wasnt very good at it :\ my neck didnt crack at all. The rain lessened a bit on my way home. My mattress was pretty much fully expanded by now. I washed my bed sheets and made my new bed. It's noticeably taller than my old mattress, but the old mattress is also over 10 years old. I did my laundry and ironed some patches on some warn down parts of my work pants. I still need to sew them down, too. I listened to wings of fire audio book 15. Almost done with the 3rd arc.

September 18, Been a couple weeks since I last wrote a diary entry. Let me see if I can recap the last half month. My new mattress is amazing. For the first time in months I woke up without back pain. In fact, I can actually sleep on my back now without it cramping up! Its wonderful! It is extremely firm, which some people may not like. Heck, even I found it a little weird at first, but knowing how much better my back feels in the morning, you grow to like it really quick. I should start exercising more. Work has been fine. Same old grind. Still pretty slow. I have a 3 day weekend this week just because. I have to work my least favorite area on Friday, though, which sucks. Been having a lot of spiraling negative thoughts lately. Not sure if I should specify which things I keep remembering, or dont list them to help me forget them. Old middle school memories and family conflicts that never properly got resolved. I can't help but fall back to them when I'm doing mindless cleaning at work, usually in the morning. I need to try and think of better things. Maybe try distracting myself with story ideas I need to work on. That might help. I know at the beginning of the year I said I wanted to monitor my happiness. I think ive forgotten about it in these past 2 months, which is why I keep returning to the past. Never got around to making a song comic for undertale’s birthday this year, but it honestly wasn’t a huge loss. We got some nice asriel/chara lore, and if I had gone through with my comic idea, it would have come across as tone deaf (it was a no mercy comic when the chara lore we got heavily implied they Went Through It ™ on the surface)

For the first time in my life, I went to a grand opening. It was for the new barnes and nobles. I went with my friends. It was exquisite! There was actually A LINE wrapping around the building when we got there right before opening! We were afraid there might be a capacity limit inside. The inside of the Barnes and noble was completely redone. It was not like any I'd ever been in before. Taller book shelves, more intimate lighting, a nice flowing floor plan that felt well connected with no one section walled off from another. Sadly, it did feel a little smaller than other BNs ive been in in the past, with smaller selections per genre, and an absolutely pitiful digital media section that was poorly organized. Still, I spent almost 200$ on new books, mostly hard covers that were reference books on animals and one fantasy book about dragons. There were a couple author signings and we saw the Arthur Reed in the fursuit. I'd like to go back soon to get more books I left behind this time. I never got a chance to ask the authors there if they were local. This new bn used to be an office max, which I think sadly went out of business and doesnt have any physical stores anymore?

We explored the bn for 3 hours before leaving, and then we went to a daiso right across the strip. I bought some Japanese snacks. Then we had a late lunch at kneaders, which I have driven past many times but never eaten at. It was really good! Then we went back to my house where maggie did palm readings for us, Bee did tarot readings for us and Nani as well. Nani was being super affectionate and attention-needy. It was so nice to see my friends after, like, 2 months. I hope we can get together again. And who knew grand openings were so much fun? I want to go to more, now~.

October 4, 'S been about 3 weeks. What's happened in that time? I finished reading 2 books I saw at barnes and noble (one I bought, the other I read online) I finished my first play through of the talos principle 2 and have started a second play through for achievement hunting. My back's been acting up again. Im waking up a little sore, but it goes away quick. I don't blame my bed. We're getting a new hire at work. Her name is kaitlyn. She has a service dog. Been prepping for nanowrimo. (Honestly im just excited to not be doing comic pages for a month). I think I'll either re-write greyscale, or do some charisk one shots. Maybe both. I feel like mom's out of the house a lot more these days with her boyfriend. I dont want to cook an entire meal if she's not going to be there to eat it fresh. On the 24th, I got a note on da from a user called fancomics-official asking me to check out their website, which was to be a hub for fan comics. It didnt impress me, so I ignored it, but then 4 days later they messaged me again asking for feedback, so I gave them a scathing review of their website and how sketchy I found it. I knew they'd delete my comment, so I took screen shots for the internet archive, and would you believe that they completely deleted their da account yesterday? Big red flag and I feel like I dodged a bullet. I'm gonna expose them more in my year end review~ I can't wait~

I finally met my mom's boyfriend today. I got to leave work 30 minutes early and found him fixing our sink. He's nice enough but I wish he was weirder. Polite but a little awkward. He drank 2 cans of beer at dinner then drove home with my mom (separate cars) but that makes me uneasy.

October 20, Another 2 weeks. I meant to update sooner, but got busy, as is always the excuse. Went to pep boys for a routine oil change and tire rotation. What originally would have been a 45 minute procedure turned into a 6 hour ordeal because they alerted to me that my shocks were bad and the ball bearings in one of my rear tires was worn down to nothing, which isnt good. I agreed to have them both replaced but none of the replacement shocks would fit my car because it's such an "old" model. Thankfully the 4th set of shocks they tried did work, but if it hadnt, they would have had to call the car manufacturers. I love obsoleetism.🙃 I did read about half of the book "illborn" while waiting. It's an interesting indie fantasy, very character driven. My favorite character is corin, followed by allana (because she's a hot mess) then the priestess, then the soldier, who I forgot the names of. I dont like reading about religious abuse and the political games go over my head, so those story lines lose me a little. While drawing page 331 of ghost switch, I remembered the song "ready steady go" by larc en ciel which was used as an fma opening. Out of nostalgia, I rewatched brotherhood and binged it in a week. I then ordered the entire dvd set, manga collection, 2 art books and 3 enamel pins. I forgot how good this show was. I'm currently trying to rewatch 2003, but it is painful in comparison. Good thing I'm not lactose intolerant, because 2003 is FULL of cheese.

November 3, I forgor today was daylight savings time. Im sitting in tje parkinglot at work an hour early. Fml.

Halloween came and went. I voted. Hopeful about the future but terrified for the worst outcome. Doing my own thing for nanowrimo. Finally gonna share the story ive been working on for the past 2 years. Hoping for feedback.

November 6. Well this is the shittiest birthday of my life to date.

November 23, Jeez, it's almost been 3 weeks since I wrote a diary entry? November has been.... Going. Not too hopeful for the next 4 years, but im going to keep living out of spite. This country just really fucking hates women, huh. Worried for online privacy and the destruction of communities both irl and online. There's a bill trying to be made into law that would tax nonprofits which is horrible in its own right, but would also target ao3. You want to donate to charity? Fuck you, they have to fork over some of your donation as taxes so we can continue to fund genocide over seas.

Not doing comics for a month has really recharged me mentally. So much so that I went ahead and made December's first comic page already, so I dont have to worry about it next week, lol. Been slowly editing my xenofiction novel. Stuck on chapter 9. Wanted to get at least to chapter 10 (50%) before the month is done. I have been able to write some new stuff, this month. My rewatch/reread of fmab really inspired me. Now I'm planning a song comic for it, which I hope to do by 2026, which would be the 25th anniversary of the manga's first printing. I'm going so far as to do some armature music editing to extend the song I want to use. Might get fancy and make it a song comic/video hybrid and add some flashy effects to the video (if I can figure out how. I need to learn how to use shot cut) Been listening to English covers of all the fma openings and endings almost every day on my drive to and from work for the past two weeks now. Kinda want to ranks them for fun. It's so nice not to worry about comic pages for a while. I kinda want to start taking 2 months off out of the year, maybe 6 months apart or something? But I know if I do that, it will take me a whole extra year to finish this comic. I really just gotta get better at making/maintaining buffers, honestly. Work has been fine. Very slow, which is unusual Right before thanksgiving. We'll probably fill up literally the day before.

My cat has been extra clingy and vocal before feeding time. Sometimes I wonder if she threw up somewhere I cant find. She's not under fed by any means. (In fact, the vet might even say she's overweight at 10 pounds) Still trying to stay happy. This month has made it more difficult though. Can't say it's entirely my own fault though

December 5, I made creamed corn on thanksgiving and it came out FANTASTIC. Tasted just like bill Miller's recipe. I might stick to making this every year instead of a new desert. Saturday was the first day I had to wear long pants to work because it finally got cold... On the last day of November. I was back to shorts on Monday, but today was wet and rainy so I'm wearing pants again.

November flew by in the blink of an eye! I can't believe the year is almost over. I lazed around on Tuesday and did errands, and I spent a lot of time online ordering gifts for myself. I'm buying 4 shirts from redbubble. Two are fma related, one is stitch from lilo and stitch, and one is a "redo" of a kingdom hearts shirt I own, but the sleeves were too tight. I'm trying to get all "essential" style shirts instead of "classic", because I find their shirts are rather.... Thin? And the sleeves too short. Hopefully essential is the style that I like. I have one other kh shirt from them that I love, and it fits just fine. I cant remember what "type" of shirt it was, but it feels great and fits great. I also ordered them all in xl because I dont think I'm ever getting skinnier.

Yesterday, wed, Dec 4, maggie came over and spent the day with me. I drew one comic page and read entries from my middle/high school journals. I laughed until I cried, it was so funny. I also finished looking through all of the vsauce d.o.n.g.s, which was a new year's resolution of mine. It's about that time I start thinking of new ones for 2025. I think I'll brainstorm some here before making an official list.

As of today, december 5th, 2024, I have successfully maintained a streak on duolingo for 10 years. (And I only practice 2 languages (and am still not fluent in either)

December 15, It's only been ten days since I last wrote here, but it feels like a month. Work is unnervingly slow right now, but will ramp up this Friday. Can't believe christmas is in 10 days. I watched all of frieren; beyond journey's end. It's... Alright. Pretty middle of the road as far as story goes. Animation is nice, but that's a given nowadays. The story doesnt do anything groundbreaking or innovative so far. Maybe the manga is better? Overall, I just dont understand why it's currently number 1 on myanimelist (as if this site is the end all, say all on anime) I might watch season 2 when it comes out next year, but I'll probably explore other anime first.

I wrote 1.5k words of smut in 4 hours last night since I was drugged up on caffine and couldn't sleep. Ive been writing a bit more since rewatching fmab. Hope this motivation carries over with me into the new year. (I hope it just stays with me through Christmas, tbh) I saw wicked in theatres with my mom and her boyfriend. It was right before thanksgiving. It was good! Amazing choreography, beautiful sets and fantastic acting. Some of the songs went on for just a little too long (like dancing through life and defying gravity) but overall enjoyable experience. There's one line that sounds kinds low-key racist (the milk flowers one) and bok is way too tall to be a munchkinlander, but I'll probably go see part 2 next year.

Been spending a lot of money recently. Mostly on stuff for myself. Im trying to order a book from Japan. The seller is trusted, but shipping times are long and slow. I hope I didnt just throw away 33$ for nothing. (Im trying to order the book; fma chronicle. It is only printed in Japanese and French, and I am going to attempt to scan and translate the book myself since I can't find any translations online. I might end up buying the French version too in order to cross-reference translation accuracies. Wish me luck.) Caleb Joseph unlaunched his patreon again. Hope everything is alright with him. His dog died earlier this year and he's been struggling with finding work from the last I heard. Watched illumination's migration movie. It was really good! Fun colors and character design, simple story. I think I liked it better than orion and the dark. I liked all the characters, even uncle dan. Kinda weird how all the ducks had one syllable names. Totally clocked akwafina as the pigeon. Story is nothing remarkable, but done well. The music was astounding, then I learned it was by john powell, which tracks.

December 25, It's hell week at work! I actually got christmas day off, which is a first. Still hectic and not as organized as it could be. My back has been weirdly hurting a lot recently, but like, not in my neck or hips. It's smack dab in the middle of my ribs. Ive been trying to watch more anime. It's a new year's resolution for me. I finished frieren, and now am looking into neon genesis and hunter x hunter. Im liking the slower pacing of evangelion so far. Hunter x hunter is a little too cliche for me right now, but it's also an older anime so I know it's tropes and mannerisms weren't cliche at the time it was released. Still, I'm glad it's not dripping with irony poisoning. It's sincerity in it's tropes helps save it.

Nani had a medical emergency on the 16th, where it looked like her back legs suddenly gave out. I rushed her to an emergency vet almost half an hour from home, paid 1400 dollars for them to do every test they could, and came to the conclusion that she has early onset arthritis in her hips and knees. She's been on bed rest for the past week, being forced to stay in my room so she wont run around or jump off of things. I have to medicate her with gabapentin and prednisone. She's gotten a lot better in just one week, but may have a permanent limp now, and cant jump like she used to (she doesnt know that yet). I just hope she's not in pain.

Still been really obsessed with fma. I ordered two books to manually translate. One is in the og Japanese, the other is in French. They should both arrive in January.

December 31, Last day of the year. I get new year's eve and new year's day off this year. Kinda surreal. Nani is doing better, but I need to start looking into pain meds because she might have a permanent limp now. God! there's still so much I want to do! I can't believe 2025 starts tomorrow! Work STILL has been busy, even though christmas is over. My book from japan arrived! It was delivered on friday, but I was at work, so I had to drive out to the post office and manually pick it up. new experience for me, but not a very fun one. Gonna try and do a stream tonight and get next week's page done. I couldn't do one this week because of work. Still waiting on the french one to arrive. I don't have tracking information for that one, sadly, so who knows when it will get here. I don't like having my weekend days split up. It disorients me. Been watching a lot of netflix. I hope to do that more next year as I explore more anime (at least until I run out of choices on netflix and have to watch it illegally somewhere else)

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Aaaand that’s pretty much all my biggest thoughts I had throughout the year. I definitely wrote more this year than last (and cut out a lot of personal stuff too). It’s always interesting to see what I focused on, or what concerned me the most over the course of the year through this look back. If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I just remembered myself that I wanted to make a post on this very sketchy site called fanon.co. Basically, it’s a new website to host your fandom webcomics, but I am concerned about AI scraping, the lack of transparency on where the owners of this site are hosted, the fact that you can’t read any of the comics there without making an account, the fact that you cannot DELETE your account after it was made, and I am very curious as to how this website makes money because it doesn’t look obvious to me, which makes me think they are using our fan creations for ulterior purposes. Maybe I’ll work on that later this week.

[ohwolfling]

So I re-read your "Gale gets a bj" fic, because it's one of my favorite things, and I was wondering... do you think Gale immediately starts finding it easier to let Tav do things for him/to him in bed, or does it take a while, with maybe some or a lot of protesting/fussing until he can relax and enjoy it? And I guess the same question out of bed as well: when does he let himself be taken care of by someone other than Tara?

First, thank you so much for reading and rereading. I'm glad it resonates. 💖

What I think is so appealing about any relationship dynamic in Baldur's Gate 3 is that inherently these people have to lean on one another. You have to be open enough to say when you need to rest, when your personal shit will heighten danger or offer a boon. You eat together. You camp together. And when you add romance to that... it's romance born of your worst circumstances so to some extent your worst self. So in little ways, Gale (& everyone) are forced into this sort of communal openness.

I think that a Gale who gets to go on and live a life, especially with a partner he trusts, is probably thrilled by trust. It's scary but it's a but it's an adrenaline rush. You're dealing with that buzzy, chaotic feeling of being in love, the confusing cocktail of emotions after several near death experiences, and you keep doing this Big NoNo- WANTING, TRUSTING- but instead of certain doom you just get your needs met or you compromise or even if you get a no you get to live and read a book and make pasta or whatever.

So I think that by the time Gale and Tav are building a deeper relationship or even an entire life together some of the MANY walls he has up as Wizard of Waterdeep™️ and Mystra's Chosen™️ are down for Tav. They might pop up in unexpected places - you don't know your triggers until they trigger you- but most of the time Gale is open to being Gale.

Here's my idea of that timeline, results may vary depending on your Tav or your interpretation of Gale, but ya know:

1-3 months post danger of knee-jerk "anything you need? Is this good? No but I can make this a celestial four way, are you sure?" And because Gale thought he was gonna ctrl alt del after that first time with Tav, he accepts the let's bone normal because I want YOU thing and so is comfortable accepting it each time. His acts of service extend far past the bedroom so I imagine this time period probably has a lot of panic attacks or just so worked up he's vibrating about like... bringing breakfast in bed, trying to make EVERY DINNER a romantic dinner, stuff like that.

Performance giving sex god Gale is a thing he actually enjoys but I really think that goes on for A WHILE. I don't think that stops until Tav stops it (the choice I made for the fic) or some other big thing occurs that flips the switch in his brain into, "oh, we're just... we're together and no one is leaving over a bad mood or a bad day." Theres definitely space here too for potential breaks or break ups honestly because in having no boundaries he might accidentally disrespect his partner's boundaries or start shutting down himself without realizing it because ultimately one way relationships make him miserable... but he doesn't know anything else.

But outside of that, if he has a partner who will communicate with him and meet him where he is, if he has wizard therapy, if he has the tools and support system to unpack the abusive god marriage he escaped, I don't think he's someone who fusses or protests. It is very clear (to me at least) that Gale's people pleasing, performing, and chasing of greatness were maladaptive coping mechanisms born from a boy who genuinely wanted to care for people and animals and loves entertaining people and loves learning. Gale is so interesting because his flaws aren't the opposite of him. He's very much himself. His traits just mutated to navigate wizard academia, Waterdhavian politics, & an abusive relationship he was groomed into through all of it, from childhood. If pleasing and teasing him makes his partner happy, that's ultimately his goal.

I'll say too that while I think Gale's default in a mortal relationship would be a kind of submission I am very pro Soft Dom Gale. I don't think Gale would have any framework in the timeline of the game to consider that sex can be a fluid give and take, that domination doesn't need to be godhood or invented orgasm heaven, that the dynamics of a relationship and the existence of love will remain unchanged or even strengthened by that sort of exploration sexually. With Mystra, intimacy is a CHALLENGE. A test. She teased him with a bigger world of magic, a space and a home only she could get to, and I think a common misread is that he wanted to dominate her... but if he talks to the mirror in the little hidden wizard workshop about his desires his true desire and being home, in his tower, and it being a safe haven for him and a partner. Gale wanted equality. Gale wanted to take her home or else become worthy of her home.

That was A LOT but I have so many thoughts about Gale!!!

[slothquisitor]

2024 Fic Wrapped

Thank you to @eraserspiral for the tag! This was fun!

What’s been your biggest learning point this past year?

Mostly that I can still write a lot of words if I'm doing it consistently? I was in such a writing slump before BG3. I've been pursuing traditional publication and had some cool wins but not quite...getting there? And then that on top of some personal life shit kind of broke me. It's been fun to get back to writing and let it be fun again and not something I *have* to do.

How has your writing developed this past year?

I think I've tried out some fun and cool things this year. I wrote HORROR! I wrote an homage to Emily Henry. It was fun to push myself into really different directions, and I think it's made me better or at least I hope so. That's the thing about writing! It's so subjective and difficult to really pinpoint the places where you may or may not be leveling up. But I feel like I grew this year, so I'll take it.

Good writing habits?

Writing every day. Even if I'm traveling or even if it's only for five minutes on my phone before bed, I try to do a little bit. It helps me feel connected to whatever I'm working on, but also I'm the type of person who really struggles with feeling productive without clear goal posts. So, being able to look at actual words on a page helps me feel I've done something, you know? Also just generally reading widely. I think being a good writer is about being a good reader too!

Bad writing habits?

Impatience. I have the same issue with my art. My best pieces are always the ones I didn't rush. I have this like...desire to push things out into the world so that they don't clutter up my head anymore, and sometimes I think that means I'm publishing before things are strictly ready. My goal in 2025 is to do this less. But also, sometimes I'm excited!

Favorite thing you wrote?

Probably What Moves in the Dark though Invisible String is a close second. I loved the overall story of What Moves in the Dark, and I think it's technically plotted better than Invisible String where I was just like...coasting on vibes.

Favorite reads?

She's not on here, but TheWyvernRising is my writing partner, and honestly, her work is severely underrated. She's got a great Ghost AU featuring Halsin and her oc Rowan, plus our OCs are besties in every universe. What else is fanfic for?

Biggest win?

Finishing not one but two longfics in a year! Also, the response to Invisible String genuinely surprises and delights me. Someone called me diabolical, and I've never been more pleased with myself.

Goals for the new year?

Just keep writing things that make me happy. I'd like to maybe return to the original work, but I'm also just like...not pressed about it? I'm having fun and I think that maybe that's enough for right now.

Your favorite words of the year, aka the words you check each chapter for, making sure you didn’t repeat them 788 times?

Oh god. I overuse a lot of words or phrases and I know it! It just sometimes is hard to notice until I like...reread after posting and I'm like...whoa Sloth...did you use 'gaze' and 'smile' enough? lol

What are you excited for in the new year?

To not have a fic that's posting on a weekly basis so I can return to my chaos gremlin ways. I've been posting a fic update every weekend since Febraury (with a few exceptions), and don't get me wrong...when I'm working on a longfic I need that structure. However, it's nice to get a break from that. I'll probably let myself get too chaotic in a month or two and return to some sort of schedule, but for now, it's nice. I'm excited to keep working on Veilguard stuff too. I don't have any fic plans beyond that right now, but I'm sure the plot bunnies will find me. They always do.

I've been either skiing or painting my house, and I've been very not here. So I'm not sure who has done this....so if you see this and want to participate, consider yourself tagged! <3

[born-to-lose-writing]

No Road Romance – Chapter 15

Pairing: Roger Daltrey x reader

Summary: When you start going to The Who's shows, you regularly hook up with Roger, but after a while of being his groupie and a friend, you're beginning to think you like him more than that.

Tags: fluff, smut

Words: 1,712

A/N: Another late update, but now it's only two chapters until this series is finished!

Tag list: @slit-skirts

One day on tour, Roger decided to buy a postcard because he remembered upon their arrival in this city that you had mentioned always wanting to visit this place. Now that he did get the chance but couldn't take you with him due to your own job, he figured it would only be fair if he at least sent you a little souvenir. In fact, the idea to get you to join him had bloomed the moment he had received the schedule and noticed that specific date, but despite his attempts, you had to pass this time.

He wasn't sure what to write to you. He wanted to tell you so many things, but there was only so much space on the back of the card. So he wrote some drafts on napkins from the hotel restaurant where he didn't actually eat – not more than a hamburger a day, that is. After rereading them repeatedly, he considered them too romantic each time, scrapping them and trying again.

At some point, he was content with the message he ended up writing on the postcard, talking about how interesting this city was, recommending you a restaurant which he hoped would still exist by the time you got to go there yourself, talking about how fun this tour had been so far – and that he was starting to miss you.

He had done a pretty good job editing the text to make it less sappy. You weren't dating, who would you think he was writing you what got close to a love letter? However, certain rather heartfelt phrases were left in. On one hand, he only noticed after he had written the final version, on the other hand, he hoped you would get the hints by reading between the lines. If he was going to get straight to the point, he was going to do it in person and not in a postcard written miles away without the opportunity to have a proper follow-up conversation. Besides, he was too busy to be anxious about whether you reciprocated or not until he returned to London.

At the next post office, he had it sent to you. He wasn't sure if you would receive it before the end of the tour, but it was the thought that counted. It showed that even on a different continent with plenty of women at his feet, you were on his mind and in his heart.

Roger was still in the USA when you opened your usually empty letter box to find a colorful postcard with big letters on the front falling out. You picked it up and as you took a closer look at the state map surrounded by smaller motives around it, you assumed it was Roger. It could only be him; you didn't know anyone else who was overseas at the moment. Before you would turn it around to scan the text, you rushed upstairs to your flat.

Thankfully, you were alone because you must have had the most stupid smile on your face while reading his message for you. Every word, every line made your heart beat faster. You were probably interpreting too much into it, you thought, although some phrasings did seem deliberate and you couldn't interpret them any other way.

‘Halfway through this leg of the tour and I'm already missing yours giving me a better kind of sleepless nights. All jokes aside, I wish you were here.’

Other parts left you pondering whether he meant what you thought he might, but it wasn't clear as it could also be simple friendly words. However, the more direct passages nearly cancelled that out.

Instead of worrying about the psychology of his postcard, you reread it a few more times while just being grateful he was thinking of you too and you were worth sending something to before he would come back home.

While you had met the other members of The Who on various occasions before, you unfortunately didn't know any of them well enough to comfortably ask if they happened to know how Roger felt about you without sounding like a freak. It wasn't like they disliked you or acted especially distant, but you wouldn't call them close friends out of whom you could squeeze some information on your crush who happened to be their friend and bandmate.

So you were left to figure it out by yourself or ask him yourself, which you weren't going to do anytime soon. For one, because he was on the road, but also because you didn't feel quite ready and instead decided to gather hints and connect the dots one by one. Some of your friends wondered how many more dots you needed at this point, but you couldn't be sure enough.

Suddenly at night the phone rang and you took the call, hearing the last voice you expected on the other end. “Hi baby, how are you?”

Roger never called you when he was on tour, not when he was traveling across the UK and even less when he was abroad. Something told you he did not simply want to ask how you were doing.

“I’m good, how about you? Had a fun gig?”

“Absolutely, the crowd was better than yesterday’s. Did you get my postcard?”

“I did! Thank you so much, it's lovely.” You were contemplating asking him about it, but you decided not to ruin this call with another misunderstanding.

“You're welcome,” he replied softly and paused before asking in a voice that was all too familiar, “Are you alone?”

You smirked, knowing your gut feeling was right. “Yes.”

“Good.”

“Weren't you busy tonight?”

“It went quickly. I don't feel like going to a bar though, I need to save some of my energy,” he explained. “How late is it for you?”

“Late. You can be glad it's Saturday.”

He laughed. “Okay, I'll let you boss me around a little as a peace offering.”

“You're forgiven,” you smirked. “Then I order you not to touch yourself for now.”

“I already regret it,” he groaned. “Next thing you're hanging up and I don't get to jerk off.”

“I'd never,” you gasped dramatically.

“Please at least tell me what you're doing so I can use my imagination.”

You proceeded to tell him in detail how you were touching yourself, interrupted by occasional moans. It wasn't like you never masturabted when you didn't have him or any of the other musicians you sometimes met to hook up with, but you had to admit phone sex with Roger was the hottest thing ever. Aside from actual sex with him, though only hearing each other's moans and descriptions of what you were doing without having a chance to touch them yourself was perhaps even more arousing.

From your longer breaks and increasing volume of gasps and moans, he could tell you were close, but you seemed to be going too slowly, edging yourself almost.

“God, go faster,” he said.

“Be quiet, I'm the one with permission to boss you around, remember?”

“Yes… Sorry.”

Eventually, you did speed up and pushed yourself over the edge because you couldn't take it anymore. You only numbly heard a string of praises from the receiver that was sliding down your shoulder. When you collected your thoughts and laid on your back, you took the phone back in your hand and, slowly catching your breath, you asked, “Enjoyed the show?”

“Very much, thank you. I almost came just from listening to you.”

“Didn't I tell you-”

“I swear I didn't! Now please let me do something,” he nearly whined, which was unusual for him.

“So impatient?” you teased, twirling the telephone cord. “Fine, you may touch yourself now.”

“Thank you, fuck,” he said in relief.

“But go slow, I want you to enjoy it. It's got to be longer than your other fling.”

“Oh, it already is,” he chuckled. “Hell, I was already hard when I heard your voice as you picked up the phone.”

You didn't ask him for descriptions of what he was doing. Instead, you closed your eyes, listening to his moans, and each time you thought they were getting too hasty, you reminded him to slow down. In response, you got a whine followed by more desperate sounds the more time passed.

His voice had always been nice to listen to, whether he was singing, simply talking or moaning and panting while you had sex. You couldn't ignore it, but only now that you depended on his voice alone you realized just how hot he sounded in moments like this.

You found a liking to being the more dominant one for once. When he got back from the tour, you would ask if you could do it again.

At some point, you decided to be lenient with him and allowed him to cum. You didn't have to say it twice as the sounds he made told you it didn't take him much more than that. “Good boy,” you cooed, knowing he didn't really like being called that, but in this case he didn't seem to care.

“That was great. I've never done this before, I didn't think it would be so hot,” he breathed when he came down from his high.

“Maybe we should do it more often,” You agreed. “But I don't envy the bill you'll get from the hotel for this long distance call.”

“If Keith can blow up toilets and milk our fees for reparations, I can spend a sum on calling someone I miss,” he defended himself. “Thank you again. Good night, or good morning, however you want to see it.”

You smiled, so hung up on him saying he missed you that you almost didn't notice he was about to end the call. “Thank you. Good night and good luck for the rest of the tour.”

In the last moment, you held back from adding ‘I love you’ at the end. You did love him, that was for sure now, but you couldn't tell him that, as much as you wanted to.

While you wanted to think about this conversation some more, you hadn't gotten enough sleep and after this session, you were too tired to do more than put the telephone back on your nightstand.

[justablah56]

Since you seem to be having a bad day, I threw together a little ficlet for you. Read/respond at your leisure (whether that's in 3 minutes or not until next year)

It had been a long fucking day.

It was a full day of teaching for Terry Jr, with a bad cold wiping out the entire drama department of San Dimas High (which had only been two teachers and a tech in the first place). There was screaming, and snotty noses, and one or two kids bursting into tears, and by the time the school bell rang, he was just about ready to collapse. And, of course, that was clearly asking too much, because it was drama club that day. 2 whole hours of dealing with kids who are meant to be off book two weeks ago, and still hadn't learnt half their lines. It was a fucking nightmare.

Now, dear reader, don't misunderstand. Terry absolutely adored his job and the kids he worked with. But today was one of those days where you just want to roll over and hide back under the covers.

The train had been cramped and noisy, even if the journey had been mercifully free from the kids usual loud arguments. (Why they insisted on riding back with Terry Jr, he had no idea. It was baffling though that Scary waited for him, and they were going to the same house. Although, somehow, her friends always seemed to stay over longer than expected.) Honestly, it was a relief to lock the door behind them all, the kids rushing off to the garden for soccer practice - mostly moral support to be honest.

Terry wearily pulled off his shoes, before turning to Scary.

"Hey, kiddo, I'm gonna go have a lie down. Let your mom know, okay?"

Scary, for once, didn't seem to protest either the request or the nickname. She just nodded, frowning.

"Yeah, sure. Go have a nap or whatever." He ruffled her hair a little (this did elcit an irritated groan. He may not be her dad, but she was still his kid and it was his duty to embarrass her in front of her friends after all) and headed upstairs.

Terry didn't bother to turn on the lights as he collapsed down into the bed, just letting himself he enveloped by the darkness and the comfy sheets. He felt bad about breaking his normal routine of kissing Veronica when they both got home, but honestly he just couldn't handle doing anything other than laying down right now.

He lay there with his head burried in the pillow for maybe a minute, maybe an hour, when he felt the bed dip.

"Hey, Tear-Bear. Bad day?"

There was his amazing wife, the light of his life. Her hair was flying loose from her bun, and even in the dark Terry could see that her office clothes were slightly rumpled.

She was stunning.

"You know, you gotta stop picking up Nicky's pet names. He has far too many." Terry mumbled as he grabbed her hand, tiredly bringing it up to his lips.

"Ah, but that would mean I don't get to hang out with your wife as much. Darling." A familiar weight draped itself over him, tail curling round his leg. "Dropping round unexpectedly and hanging out with V without you is half the fun."

Nicky's voice was a soothing rumble against his chest. Somehow, just having his two partners here made it easier to relax. Even if Nicky had definitely not announced that he'd be coming over. Veronica kicked her feet up and slung an arm over Terry's shoulder, pulling him closer.

"Come on, time for you to rest, TJ."

okokok I've hoarded this fic long enough , ive probably reread this AT LEAST 5 times now xnsnmsms anyways it means *so very much* to me that you decided to write an adorable little ficlet for me bcs i was not feeling good <3333 this lil fic is literally *so* cute i don't know how to properly convey to you how much i love this but icy i love this so much . thank you <33333