#asking seriously. i dont know what else to do. and i got a doctor's appointment for june 10th & june 19th | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yikesharringrove · 4 years ago

Note

after star court Steves head trauma was severe enough where he got diagnosed with epilepsy and has minor seizures n gets confused easily, his parents dont care or bother to come home and help him so its mostly robin

I want to send all my love and thanks to @elysiumwaits and @a-bit-of-trash for all their help with this piece! 💕💕💕

Read on Ao3

The first time Robin noticed it, Steve was helping a customer at Family Video.

He was in the middle of a sentence, i the middle of a transaction behind the register when his eyes drifted up towards the ceiling and his voice trailed off. His jaw shifted around and he chewed on his tongue.

It was like he was completely vacant.

It lasted a few seconds, and he snapped back in, finishing his sentence and continuing the transaction like nothing happened.

The customer stared questioningly at Robin, and she smiled tightly at her, waving as she threw Steve one last confused look and turned to leave.

“Uh, Steve?” Steve looked over his shoulder to her, humming in question. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You, like, kinda went blank there. Like stopped talking for awhile and just. I don’t know, it was weird.” He furrowed his brows.

“What?”

“Yeah. You just kinda. I don’t even know how to describe it.” She was beginning to get nervous, if Steve just blacked out or something, and had no idea he did it, that can’t be good. “Has that happened before?”

“I have no idea. I mean, I didn’t even know it happened just now.” His voice was doing that thing it does before he gets in over his head. His pitch gets higher and his voice waivers a bit and his eyes go wide, and usually, this display ends with a panic attack.

“Hey, heyheyheyhey, hey. I’m sure it’s okay.” She tried to smile at him. She really isn’t sure it’s okay. But she can’t let him think his blank-out scared her.

The next time she saw it, she was sitting across from him on his couch, both their backs against either armrest, her feet in Steve’s lap.

Steve was in the middle of a story about Dustin, something silly he did earlier that day.

When his eyes fluttered. He stopped speaking mid-sentence again, his eyes fluttering oddly, his jaw working once again.

It was only a few seconds when he snapped back, picking up his story right where he left off.

“Steve, it happened again.”

Steve’s face fell.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. You stopped talking and kinda went blank. Just the same as last time.” She kept her voice even, didn’t want to scare him. But he began chewing on his bottom lip, his brows furrowing.

“I didn’t even know. I don’t know they’re happening. Do you think they happen often? And I just have no fucking idea?”

“I really don’t know, Steve.” And maybe her misstep was the lack of a condescending but endearing nickname.

Because Steve looked about a second from bursting into tears.

“Should I, like, go to the doctor? I mean, I’ve had a lot of concussions these past few years. It could be, like, my brain slowly turning to Jell-o.”

“Or maybe it’s nothing!” She said quickly. “If you decide to go to the doctor, I’ll come with you.”

It happened three times in the waiting room of the doctor’s office.

Each time like the last, a few seconds of Steve blanking out and his mind going elsewhere.

It was beginning to really fucking scare Robin. He already wasn’t the brightest, and now he has these lapses, these momentary blank outs that were beginning to take more of a toll.

He was having several a day that she knew of, and by the evening, Steve was sapped of all his energy, and so fucking confused, he would lose his train of thought before it even left the station.

“Alright, Mr. Harrington. What brings you in today?” Doctor Owens let himself into the room, taking a seat at the stool next to the examination. table Steve was perched on.

“Uh, my doctor referred me. I’m having some, like, issues, I guess.” He looked expectantly at Robin. She sighed through her nose.

“He has lapses. He could be in the middle of a sentence, and he’ll stop speaking. Usually his eyes will drift and after a few seconds, he’s back.”

Doctor Owens was nodding at her seriously.

“Alright Steven. Do you black out for these episodes? Lose time?”

“I don’t even notice they’ve happened.”

“And anything else with them? Headaches? Confusion?”

“He gets confused if he’s had several in a day. I was with him one evening when he had five and by the time we fell asleep he wasn’t speaking clearly and couldn’t remember some things.”

Owens too a deep breath.

“I’d like to run some testing. It sounds like you’re experiencing minor seizures.”

Steve gawked at him.

“Seizures? But I mean, I haven’t been, like, it’s just a little, a little, brain glitch.”

“There are many different forms of seizures. And some can result in, confusion, black outs, and momentary lapses. They’re called absence seizures. And it sounds like, the number you’ve been having is indicative of epilepsy, but I’d like to run some more tests before saying one way or another.” He drummed briefly on the examination table, smiling and nodding at Robin before letting himself back out of the room.

Steve was staring at the wall in front of him.

“Seizures. Epilepsy.”

“Hey,” Robin leaned forward in her chair, placing one hand on his forearm. “At least it’s an answer. Diagnoses bring treatment.”

He gave her those big round puppy dog eyes that always made her heart break a little bit.

“Robin, I’m scared.”

It was barely a whisper, and Steve’s hands closed into shaking fists, clenching the fabric of his flimsy gown.

“I know. I know it’s scary. But I’m here, right? And we’ve dealt with a lot scarier than your brain electricity.”

He nodded at her shakily.

Doctor Owens returned then.

“Alright, Steven. We’re going to schedule you in for tomorrow for an EEG, a simple test to measure brain activity. It’ll give us a great view of what is happening in that head ‘a yours. Frankly, it’d be great if you had an event while doing the test. But, we’ll just see what’s going on in there, and figure out how to help you. That sound alright?”

“Uh, yes, Doctor. Thank you.”

The phone was ringing loudly by the time Steve pushed open the front door.

He had been quiet as Robin drove him home, and he had another small seizure in the car.

He picked up the phone, and she placed one hand gently on the small of his back as she passed by him into the kitchen.

“Hey, Dad.”

Robin sighed. This was the last thing they needed today. A call from Steve’s asshole father.

“Yeah, I had to use the credit card at the doctor. I’m having some testing done. No, not, Dad just listen. I might have epilepsy.” Steve’s voice cracked when he said epilepsy. He went quiet. Robin chewed on her bottom lip. “Just put Mom on, please.”

Robin was standing just on the other side of the doorway, listening intently. Steve always just assumed she was eavesdropping on his conversations.

“Hi, Mom. Yeah, the doctor said it could be epilepsy. I mean, I have like, a bunch of seizures. Been having them for months now. And I’m just- I mean, can you,” he went silent, no doubt listening to his mother speak.

It was a few minutes of silence before he spoke again.

And dear God, she really thought she was gonna fucking cry.

“Mom, can you please just come home? I have a big test tomorrow and I’m. I’m just scared. And I want my mom.”

And then more silence. And Steve sniffed.

“Yeah, no, uh, it’s okay. No really, Mom. I’m okay. I’ll be-enjoy the rest of your trip.” There was a click as he set the phone down on the receiver.

She waited for him to show around the wall, let him take a moment to himself.

He slunk around the divider, not meeting Robin’s gaze.

“I assume-”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” she cut him off quickly.

“Thanks.”

And they didn’t.

They didn’t talk about the looming appointment the next day, the hours of testing Steve was going to have to sit through.

They didn’t talk about the way his mom didn’t bother to even pretend she would come to support him through his nerves.

They talked about shit that didn’t matter- awful costumers at Family Video, Keith repeatedly asking robin out and never getting the hint she wasn’t into him, they even unpacked the entirety of the Star Wars trilogy, as Steve fell asleep nearly every time they tried to watch it.

Steve hugged her tight before she drove herself home in her mom’s old station wagon. He did that thing he does where he buries his face into her shoulder and takes a real big breath and kinda seems like Robin’s the only thing keeping him together, kissing the top of her head once before she pulled away.

He woke up groggy, a spot of drool on his pillow. The phone was blaring on his nightstand, and he barely rolled over to slam it against his ear.

“‘ello?”

“Steve, oh my God. I’m so so sorry,” Robin babbled into the receiver, barely breathing as she hurled her words at him. “I got called in to cover for Amanda today, and Keith said he’s called everyone, and if I can’t work today, he’s gonna call you, and you can’t miss the test, but I feel like such shit, I promised I’d come with you, and with your mom not coming in, I said I’d drive you, and now I can’t, and Steve, I’m so sorry-” she sounded frantic, almost like she was close to tears.

“Rob, hey, it’s alright.” It wasn’t. Not really, but he understands. And he’s a grown up, after all. He can go to the doctor by himself. “It’s okay. Just come over tonight if you want to.”

“Yes, yes, I’ll be over right after I get off. Maybe Amanda can come relieve me or something. I’m so sorry.”

She sounded sorry. She sounded absolutely miserable.

“Rob, honest, no hard feelings. I can just go. I’ll be okay. See you after.”

“I’ll bring dinner! Or, or snacks, and I can bring a few movies with me afterwards-”

“That sounds great. Look, I gotta go take a shower and get ready. I’ll just, I’ll see you later. After the-the thing.”

“Yes! Yeah, Steve, really I’m so so sorry.”

“I know. Don’t worry. I’ll see you later, Rob. Love you.” He scrubbed a hand down his face, melting further back into his pillows.

“I’ll be there! And I love you a whole lot, okay?”

“Yeah. I know. It’s really okay. I promise.”

He didn’t let her get another word in, slapping the phone back onto the hook.

Really, he had no hard feelings. It’s not worth it to be mad at her for this. He just doesn’t want to sit on the phone with her while she apologizes some more

It just fucking sucks.

He’s fairly certain he had a seizure in the shower. He doesn’t totally know when he has them, but he’s beginning to recognize the time passing, the way he just feels tired after.

He took his sweet time getting ready, dreading the impeding appointment and all the testing, making sure to wear comfortable clothes, hoping they wouldn’t make him swap out his soft crew neck sweatshirt for a flimsy hospital gown while he sat through everything that was about to happen.

And only when he got outside did it really hit him that Robin won’t be going with him.

Owens said to avoid driving until they could find out more about his episodes. Find an epicenter and maybe a trigger. It’s dangerous as all hell to have him blanking out on the road. Which is something Robin suggested in that overly calm voice of hers when the seizures started getting more frequent.

Robin’s been driving him everywhere the past few weeks. And she was going to pick him up for the appointment.

Fuck.

He has no one to call.

Well, he could call someone, but that would take all the energy of explaining all the shit he hasn’t told anyone yet about his issues, and that’s a can of worms he doesn’t feel ready for on a Thursday morning.

Claudia would only ask more questions than he had answers, and he doesn’t think he could stand seeing that sad look Nancy’s always got on her face when she sees him nowadays.

And he doesn’t think things won’t be awkward between him and Jonathan.

Okay.

Looks like he’s gonna drive himself.

He actually buckled himself in, something he almost never did, and took everything as slowly as possible, creeping down his neighborhood at an almost comical pace.

If he has a seizure, and blanks out for a few seconds, he wants to be able to mitigate any damage. Either stop himself from going too far in the first place, or give others enough time to move out of the way from his slow moving death machine.

His grip was so tight on the steering wheel his knuckles were white, hands clammy and no doubt shaking.

“Just breathe, Stevie. You’re doing just fine. Plenty of time to get there.” He hadn’t turned on the radio, wanted to keep a laser focus on the road. “You’re not going to blank out, and you’re not going to hurt anyone.”

He kept up that monologue as he made the slowest left-turn possible onto the road that led into town.

He had the overwhelming urge to bounce his leg, trying to keep himself still and focused.

And the next thing he knows, he’s idling at a stop sign with the Chief of Police knocking on his window.

Fuck.

At least he didn’t hurt anyone, or crash his car horribly.

He cranked down the window, giving Hop as much of a smile as he could muster.

“Kid, what the fuck? I’ve been tapping on that window for a full minute. You were just, sittin’ there.”

Shit. He’s gonna have to come clean.

“I, uh, I’m actually going to an appointment. With Owens.” Hopper just continued staring at him, his face gruff, his brows drawn. “I got some. Brain stuff.”

And then Hopper’s face fell.

“Shit, why didn’t you let any of us know?”

“Because, well, they don’t know what it is yet, but I, uh, I’ve been having, like, seizures,” Steve could feel it, the lump rising in his throat he’s been ignoring since yesterday, the nerves and sadness and confusion all welling up. “And Owens is gonna run some tests because he thinks I have epilepsy now, from being tortured, and I don’t know what’s happening to me, but it’s like I can’t even control my own stupid brain, and I’m so fucking scared, and-”

This is fucking mortifying.

Sitting in his car, crying, in front of Hopper.

Who looked like he had no idea what the fuck to do.

“Okay, uh, just take some deep breaths, okay? Why don’t you, uh, go get in my truck, and I’ll take you to the appointment. I can leave your car parked over there,” he pointed at the side of the road beyond the stop sign. “You don’t seem in much shape to be drivin’.”

“Sorry, I’m not-not supposed to, but I had no one to call-”

“Hey, I hope you now that’s not true.” Hopper reached through the window to place a firm hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I’ll take you, and I’ll drive you on home after.” And he opened up the door, and Steve nearly got tangled in the seat belt as he tried to step out of the car. “Shit, you weren’t kidding.”

And Steve felt like a fucking child as Hop reached over him to unbuckle him, and actually help him out of the car.

He finally noticed the truck parked behind his car, and got himself tucked into the passenger seat as Hopper moved the beamer to the spot he indicated, double checking he locked it before jogging back to the truck.

The ride was silent all the way to the hospital, Steve tying his fingers up in knots and trying not to throw up.

Hopper didn’t just drop him off, he actually walked with Steve into the building, escorted him all the way to the exam room.

He sat in the chair Robin usually occupied, settling his hat on his knee.

Wait, he’s fucking on duty.

“You don’t have to stay. I could, like, call the station when I’m finished here.”

“I’ve got nowhere to be. Not a lotta shit goes down in this town on the off-season.” He smiled grimly at Steve, who just nodded blankly.

And Owens took that time to break the awkward quiet between them, opening the door with Steve’s file tucked under his arm.

“Steven! Good to see you again. Let’s get into that head of yours, shall we?” He shook hands with Hop, turning back to Steve with a grin that was probably meant to be jovial and endearing. “Sorry to see that girlfriend of yours won’t be joining us today. Trouble in paradise?”

“We’re just friends. And she’s working.” His voice felt heavy, like it took effort just to make himself speak.

“Doc, for my own sake, Harrington here hasn’t quite gotten me up to speed with the testing today.”

There was a short rap on the door, and a few nurses entered the room, bringing a rolling metal tray with a few tubes and a long syringe, and a large machine, wires spilling out the side.

Steve barely reacted as they took his blood, pressing his shoulders gently to coax him into a supine position, relaxing against the exam table.

“We’re going to begin with an E.E.G., or, an electroencephalography.”

Something sparked in Hopper’s eyes.

“That’s what Will had, right? To monitor brain activity, or what have you.”

“Exactly. We use them to understand and diagnose seizure disorders. Steven’ll be here for about an hour or so.” He washed his hands quickly at the sink in the corner, turning back to Steve and looking at him pensively. It made Steve feel oddly self-conscious. “It’s completely painless.” He smiled weakly at Steve, maybe misjudging his general discomfort at being looked at for prolonged periods of time as fear.

Which sure, he’s got some real fear surrounding this test, but not the test itself. He’s more dreading the follow-up appointment he’s gonna have to have for his results to be read and explained. If he’s got epilepsy, or not. If this is what the rest of his life is gonna look like, or not. If he can drive or go to college. If it’ll all just get worse.

One of the nurses, the one with a nice round face that had taken his blood a few moments ago, was marking out spots on his head, along his hairline.

And before he knew it, small sticky pads were being stuck to him, one on each spot she had marked out, and more dotting back through his hair, the nurse smoothing it down and parting it awkwardly in many places to get the little pads as close to his scalp as possible.

“Alright. You ready, Steven?” Owens didn’t wait for a response before he began fiddling with the large machine, bringing it to life.

It was kind of like what Steve saw in a video once about seismographs. A little arm scratching out tremors in the Earth on a sliding sheet of paper.

Only this one was detecting tremors in his brain. Tremors and errors and everything that was going wrong in there.

“So, Chief. What brings you in here with Steven today?”

Steve wanted to tell Owens just to call him Steve, but he kinda feels like it’s past the point of when he should’ve corrected him, and now, it’d be kinda weird.

“Drivin’ the kid in. Can’t have him crashing his car. I think the last thing his head needs is another bonk.”

It made Steve smile, nearly made him laugh as the machine scratched away beside him.

“Good to see you’ve taken my advice.”

“Robin drives me almost everywhere. We work the same shifts and she picks me up after school. It works pretty okay.” The whirring of the machine kinda made Steve want to fall asleep.

“Your parents don’t drive you?” Hopper looked a little too interested. Steve tried to play it cool.

“My dad works quite a lot.” Hopper tightened his jaw and Steve kinda felt like a little kid again. “He, uh, travels for work a lot. And my mom likes to go.”

It was like the air in the room totally went cold.

“Kid, do they even know you’re here today?”

“Yes! I called them last night. Pretty much begged my mom to fly in but she-”

And it was the first Owens had seen one of Steve’s seizures for himself.

He cut off mid sentence, his eyes, that had just been wide and clear a second before, went blank, and dim, nearly rolling back in his head. The E.E.G. noted the seizure, tracking brainwaves that were even more abnormal than had been presented already. His jaw worked as though he was trying to speak, and as quickly as it happened, Steve seemed to snap back into himself.

So, maybe emotional duress? Stress? That should definitely be examined as a possible trigger.

Owens scribbled that down on Steve’s chart as Steve shook himself, smiling benignly at Hopper.

“Sorry. Uh, lost my train of thought, there.”

And maybe Hop was able to see that talking about Steve’s family could bring on another, or maybe he just got scared of watching Steve have a seizure and decided to walk on eggshells, but he just smiled back. Brought up a story about Eleven from earlier in the week. How the two of them had played a game of Monopoly that lasted nearly six hours and had both of them close to tears by the end of it.

The test was okay by Steve’s standards. Pretty easy on his end. All he had to do was lay back and let the machine do work. He’s pretty sure he had an episode or two, based on the way Hopper would go all pale and look at Steve like he was sorry for him.

Hopper had to step out near the middle of the test to make a phone call, Steve figured to the station to let them know he was otherwise occupied, or something like that. Or at least, that’s what Steve hoped, and not that Hopper was putting calls in to his father’s work and getting in touch with him via his secretary, or something awful like that.

He’d rather not have the Chief of Police call his parents from the hospital to scold them for not accompanying Steve to his Big Scary Medical Test.

He felt about ready to fall asleep when the machine was finally turned off and nurse returned, removing all the sticky pads as gently as possible from his head.

Owens looked over the paper carefully, folding along the perforations and clipping it against Steve’s chart.

“So, Steven, can we see you a few days from now to go over these results?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Go ahead and schedule that with the front desk,” he finished in the doorway, giving Hop a curt wave and swishing off to something else.

“You ready to be home, kid?”

“Fuckin’ absolutely.”

That made Hop huff something close to a laugh, and he kinda fluttered about while Steve stood up from the examination table, like he wanted to help Steve up, help him manoeuvre around.

Steve went through all the typical stuff at the front desk, handing over his father’s credit card along with their insurance information, scheduling another appointment three days from then.

He was tired, and just felt so fucking awkward that Hopper had been here to witness Steve’s prolonged physical breakdown.

Hopper led him out of the hospital and back to the truck, driving him home with the radio playing quietly. Steve stared out the window, watching raindrops sprinkle onto the car and rush down the window.

They passed Steve’s car a few blocks away from his house, and by the time they pulled up, Steve was almost too tired to notice another car parked in front of his house.

But he couldn’t ignore Joyce’s tight hug when he made it to his porch, and suddenly Hopper’s phone call made sense.

Will was standing behind her like a shadow, holding a baking dish and three clear glass bowls, all stacked up and covered in tin foil.

They brought him dinner.

It kinda made Steve wanna cry.

He fumbled with his keys letting them all inside, tugging awkwardly at the sleeves of his sweatshirt as he led Joyce to the kitchen.

Hop grunted something about walking to get Steve’s car, easing the keys out of his hands and taking off down the road.

“Steve, Honey, why don’t you just take a seat. We’ve got this.” She smiled and pushed him softly towards the kitchen table.

And he really wanted to help her heat everything up. For fuck sake’s she brought him dinner, he wants to do something, but he’s so goddamn tired.

He sat down slowly, tucking his left leg up under him as he watched Joyce and Will in his kitchen.

They set the dishes to heat up slowly in the oven, going through cabinets to find dishes and flatware to set the table.

Steve’s family almost never ate in the kitchen.

When his parents were home, they almost always sat together in the formal dining room, eating in stilted silence before heading their separate ways.

It was kinda nice, hearing the two of them talk softly to one another, letting Steve just kinda zone out a little bit, tracing the wood grain of the table with the pads of his fingers.

Until his front door creaked open in a way that only Robin could make happen, and he was being hugged tightly from behind.

“Steve, I came as soon as I could. I’m so so sorry I couldn’t come. How was the test? Did they tell you anything yet? Keith was being such an ass today, I almost punched him right in the-” She cut herself off when she noticed the Byers standing near the oven, still clinging onto Steve from behind. “Uh, hi. Sorry,” she stammered. She didn’t do well being taken off guard. Steve sometimes thought it was kinda funny.

“Hi, Sweetheart. Let me just set you a place for dinner. Hop’s moving Steve’s car, he’ll be back in a second and this should be hot enough to eat.”

Robin finally relinquished Steve, keeping one hand on his shoulder that Steve covered with his own.

“Oh, uh, that’s okay. I just wanted to check on Steve, I don’t wanna intrude-”

Joyce waved her hand, shaking her head.

“We invited ourselves into his home. As long as Steve says it’s okay, you’re more than welcome. There’s plenty.”

“Steve looked up at Robin, pretending to think it over.

“I don’t know,” he sighed dramatically. “I don’t really like you, so I don’t want you to stay.” He scrunched up his face when she hit his shoulder. “Take a seat, Buck.”

They could hear heavy footsteps in the hall, the door being closed quietly behind Hopper, and the jingle of Steve’s keys being deposited in the glass bowl on the small sidetable next to the door.

Robin stood to help Joyce and Will bring all the dishes over to the table, and fuck, Steve’s hungry. He hasn’t eaten all day since most of it was spent feeling like he could throw up his spleen.

But Joyce had brought a rich lasagna, and the creamiest mashed potatoes Steve has ever tasted, and these fucking string beans that were so good and crisp, Steve must’ve demolished half the container of them.

Conversation was kept light and nice, and Steve figured Hopper had filled Joyce in on the nitty-gritty of the test and everything to do with what Steve has been not so subtly hiding from everyone but Robin.

It was still nice to let the sleeping dog lie, even if Steve did find himself no doubt post-seizure with his hand sloppily in his mashed potatoes and everyone staring at him.

And after finishing two of the brownies Joyce had brought, Steve was struck with such a huge wall of tired, it was like he could barely even keep his eyes open.

“Well, we should take our leave.” Joyce leaned back in her chair, Will looking just as sleepy as Steve felt.

“Seriously, Mrs. B. Thank you so much for this. So much.” Steve didn’t even have the words in him to explain his gratitude, but sometimes he thinks Joyce has the ability to read his mind, so it works out.

She just squeezed him in another tight hug, Will following with one of his own before Robin walked them to the door.

“You call if you need anything, okay? Even if it’s just some company. El’s been on this real Miami Vice kick, she’ll talk to anyone that’ll listen about that damn show.”

It made Steve nearly laugh, picturing El sitting in front of the television, watching Miami Vice with as much determination as she does everything.

“Thank you, Hop. Today probably would’ve been a lot more shit if you hadn’t’ve seen my car.”

“Anytime, Kid. And quit tryna hide that shit. We’ve all been fucked up by what happened. Doesn’t mean you’re broke or somethin’.”

And Steve really fucking doesn’t wanna cry anymore today.

He blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay, Hopper doing him a solid and studying his own watch.

“Alright, my little twerp’s been at the Wheeler’s all day. I gotta pick her up. Take it easy, alright?”

“Yes, Sir.” Steve gave him a lazily sarcastic salute.

Hopper rolled his eyes, putting his hat back on.

Steve slunk to the couch as Robin locked up behind the chief, flopping down near his feet.

“I brought Raiders of the Lost Ark as an apology gift.”

“I’m gonna make you watch it a million times.”

Robin slapped his leg, a gesture that was immediately undercut by her draping a soft blanket delicately over him.

“Marion Ravenwood is hot enough I stay invested.”

She sat back down after putting in the tape.

“So, how was it today?” Her voice was way too casual.

“It was okay. Test was fine enough, and hanging out with everyone was good.”

“Are you, like, gonna maybe reach out to them more? Because, you know, they know now.”

Steve chewed on the inside of his cheek, tugging at a loose thread in the blanket.

“Probably. Not that you don’t do a lot for me, but, uh, it was kinda nice to have grown ups around.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, but I think it was kinda nice too. Especially-” She cut herself off, letting the especially since your mom couldn’t be bothered to show up hang in the air between them.

The opening trailers had begun on the rented tape, and Steve closed his eyes, snuggling deeper into the couch.

“Thanks, Rob. Love you.”

“Yeah, Dingus. Love you too.”

#yikes writes #epileptic steve harrington #steve harrington #epileptic steve #robin buckley #fav platonic soulmates #jim hopper #joyce byers #also known as steve's real parents #tw epilepsy #tw seizures #tw absence seizures

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happys-crazy-queen22 · 4 years ago

Text

A Fling With A Surprise

Gif credit @stilinski-ortiz-dolan

Gif credit @bodybebangin.

Requested by @stellarosedutton. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for the request.

My first Walker and Colby imagine. I hope it's okay.

"Go get grandpa". Your daughter, Amethyst Rose squealed running on her wobbly feet. She had just started walking and she is now on the go all the time.

"Paaaa". She stumbled and fell but got right back up.

"She's like her momma, doesnt cry when she falls". John chuckled as he picked her up.

"Yeah, I was taught to be strong". You smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Your husband is down at the barn". John said looking away. He wasnt to fond of Walker. No one really was. But you saw something in him that no one else saw.

"I was just heading that way. Amethyst has a doctors appointment". You say before walking to the barn. Your father took Amethyst into the main house to spoil her even more than she is.

"Hey beautiful". Walker spoke before you even got into the barn.

"How do you always do that"? You giggle wrapping your arms around his waist from behind.

"I know your foot work".

"You ready? We gotta be there in thirty minutes".

"Yeah, let me go change my shirt and I'll meet you at the car". He kissed your temple and started to the cowboys bunk.

Going back up to the main house, you saw Colby talking with your father and Rip. Then you heard screaming and giggling coming down the steps of the house. Tate was chasing Amethyst and ran right past Colby.

You might think nothing of it but Amethyst is Colbys. You had a fling with him one night and never spoke about it since but then you got pregnant and just never told anyone that she was his. Then you met Walker when you were six months pregnant, got married four months later and he's been Amethyst dad. Oh I didnt mention that Colby never knew I was pregnant, I hid it from my family until I met Walker.

"Amethyst". You called after her and ran scooping her up. "Thanks for watching her dad. I'll see you later". You didn't look at Colby as you walked away but his eyes were on Amethyst.

"Y/N, hold up". Colby called after you and now the cat was out of the bag.

"Yeah"? You gulped as he came closer. Amethyst laid her head on your shoulder sleepily.

"I know this might be off but um is she mine"? Colby scratched his chin, just gazing at Amethyst.

"Yeah".

"Why didnt you tell me"? Colby asked. He was wasnt upset or angry.

"You didnt speak to me after we hooked up. So I figured you were just ignoring me and staying away".

"It was awkward. Rip found me coming in late and I told him. He knows about us".

"I know. No one else knows. Not even Walker. I'd like to keep it that way. I don't want any riff between the two of you".

"So I'm supposed to let Walker raise my daughter"? Colby scoffed.

"She's my daughter". Walker scared you both. You seriously needed to work on your tracking.

"No, she's mine. I didnt get the chance to be there for her cause I didnt know". Colby protested.

"I'm on the birth certificate. She calls me daddy. I'm not confusing her. So stay away". Walker warned Colby but Colby being Colby and not backing down. Colby threw the first punch and smashed his fist into Walkers jaw.

Walker stumbled but striked back hitting Colby in the nose. You covered your daughters eyes.

John and Rip tried pulling the cowboys apart but they weren't letting each other go.

"Walker stop". You yelled. This was not how it was supposed to go when it happened or if at all.

A gun shot rang through the air. Rip stood there with his gun pointed to the sky. Colby and Walker panting. Their shirts ripped, faces mangled.

"Colby, get out of here now".

"But-". Colby tried to protest but Rip wasnt having it".

"Now".

"Get him out of here, Y/N". Your father told you and you grabbed Walkers hand pushing him into the car. The doctors appointment would have to wait.

Arriving at your house, you laid Amethyst down and patched up Walker.

"Why didnt you tell me"?

"It wasn't your business. Plus I didnt want to make it worse for you than it already is".

"It is my business. I'm your husband. I'm her father". Walker hissed when you put peroxide on his wound.

"I know. But now I'm thinking I should've told him. Gave him a chance to be a father figure in her life".

"I'm her damn father. No man is going to replace me". Walker hit the table. You jumped, you never seen him this mad. Walker got up and stormed out, slamming the door. Waking Amethyst.

You had to go see Colby. It wasnt right not having him know and now you felt guilty. Heading back to the ranch, giving Walker time to cool down. You went and saw Colby.

"Hey". You stepped threw the door. Rip, Ryan and Colby were talking.

"We're just leaving". Rip spoked, nodding to Ryan.

They came to you and Rip picked up Amethyst. "I'll take this". Rip said with a chuckle. Ryan giggled. They both adored her.

"You okay"? You bit the inside of your cheek.

"You should have told me. I would have been there". Colby sighed.

"I didnt know that. I was young. We both were. But that's no excuse. I should've told you". You walked over to the table and sat down beside him.

"I'm not trying to replace Walker as her father. I just want to be part of her life. She looks like me".

"She does. Has a smaller head then you though". You tease. Colby gasped and nudged your arm.

"I want to be there for her. Like I could babysit when you and Walker need a break. I just want her to know me. I dont have to be her dad. I can be an uncle".

"Yeah. She'd like that". You say with a smile.

"Can I be honest"? Colby looked into your eyes.

"Of course".

"When I saw her coming out of the house. I thought I was in a dream. It wasn't real. Like this little girl looked just like me. I was scared when you said she was mine. I wasnt ready to be a dad. I guess you saved yourself a hassle. Walker stepped up and I'm grateful for that cause he's probably doing a better job than I would have. I'm just not ready to take on that responsibility. I'm a horrible person". Colbys head hung low.

"Colby, you're not a bad person. I'm glad you told me this. I'm relieved to say the least. She'll be honored to have you as an uncle. We'll just keep this between us six. No one else has to know". Your squeezed his arm.

"Thanks. I'm sorry".

"Nothing to be sorry over. We just deal with the hand we're dealt with. I'm a mom to an amazing little girl. You're going to be an awesome uncle".

"What about Walker? He'll kill me".

"Dont worry about him. I'll take care of that". You say with a smile. "But I need you to put those uncle skills to the test". You said with a smirk.

"Oh god, what have I gotten myself into"? Colby chuckled, shaking his head.

Deciding to leave Amethyst with Colby and the others for a few hours, you headed home. Hopefully by now Walker has cooled off.

Walking into the house, it was quiet. But you heard some rustling in the bedroom.

"Babe"? You called out, coming into the bedroom. Walker was laying on the bed shirtless and his pants unbuckled as if he was going to bed.

"Where's Amethyst"? Walker asked, taking the rolled up toilet paper from his nose.

"She's with her uncles".

"And her new daddy". Walker scoffed. "You here to get your things and move in with him"?

"No, you dipshit. I'm here to tell you that you're the only daddy she will ever know. Colby doesnt want that role. He's uncle Colby. He's thankful that you stepped up and took care of her. Of us". You replied, getting on the bed and sitting up beside him.

"He wouldnt just do that. He's crazy if he did".

"Baby, he got scared when he found out that she was his. He was just putting on a show. He doesnt want to ruin her life. You're daddy and he's uncle Colby. We're fine. Theres only six of us that know and we're all keeping quiet. Amethyst has a great thing going, none of us want to ruin it". You kiss his check quickly.

"Sorry, I got angry. I just didn't want him to step in and take away our bond. I didn't want to lose my family ".

"You're forgiven and you're never going to lose us". You moan, running your hand down Walkers chest, slipping your hand down his pants. "He's promised to babysit when we need a break". You whisper into Walkers ear as you nip at his ear lobe.

"I'm liking uncle Colby". Walked flipped you over on your back, his hands went to your clothed breast, squeezing them and then raking his fingers down your torso.

"Come here". You grabbed Walker by the back of his neck and pulled him to your lips. Walker shimmied out of his jeans and pulled your dress up around your hips.

"I love you so much". He grunted into the kiss as he pushed your panties to the side and thrusted in you.

"Fuck. I love you". You gasp, as he lifts your leg over his shoulder and thrusts in deep. He kissed up and down your leg. Your fingers pinch your hard nipple through your bra.

"Mmm. We should give Amethyst a sibling". Walker said way out of the blue.

"You serious"? You panted, licking your lips.

"Why not"?

"No reason". Your head fell back as the tip of Walkers cock, brushed against your gspot.

"I'm taking that as a yes". He growled, speeding up his pace. He wrapped his arm your neck and kissed you deeply with passion and lust. This little break, you could get use to it.

While Walker and you were deciding on a sibling or not. Amethyst was having the time of her life. Colby was playing tea party with her and making mud pies. He was making mud pies. She was throwing them at her other uncles as they watch.

"She's going to need a bath. A hosing off before she goes home". Lloyd chuckled.

"I'm not sure I'm fit for that. I agreed on watching her. Not putting her in water and trying not to let her drown". Colby said a little scared. The others laughed.

"Just take the water hose and rinse her off. Itll be alright". Ryan suggested.

Colby of course listens to them and starts to wash Amethyst off, well he lays the water hose down and she happily picks it up and starts spraying everyone. Theres laughter and screaming as they got sprayed.

"What's going on here"? Walker came up to the water hose party.

"He did it". Ryan, Lloyd and Jimmy all pointed to Colby who was soaked from head to toe.

"Great job". Walker shaked his head. Colby frowns. "Baby, put down the hose, please". Walker walked slowly up to Amethyst and snatched the hose away.

"I'm sorry. I'm not fit for this". Colby sighed.

"No. You're not. But she's having fun and she's alive. That's all that matters. Y/N and I have a date night every Friday night. You're going to watch Amethyst for us. Just try and not burn down our house". Walker laughed, sticking out his hand.

Colby smiled and shook it. "No promises. Thanks Walker".

"Sure. Oh and clean this mess up. See y'all tomorrow". Walker picked up his muddy little girl and headed home. This was the life for everyone. Didnt matter how it got this way. It just is and theres no use in fixing something that isn't broke.

#yellowstone fanfiction #yellowstone smut #yellowstone imagine #Yellowstone walker #Yellowstone Colby #happys-crazy-queen22

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knicole0527 · 4 years ago

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How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though . But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .

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rosenburg-lia · 5 years ago

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What Does One Even Do?

WHAT? — Lia has Vanessa over to discuss her situation.

WHEN? — saturday night, april 4th

TRIGGERS? — pregnancy

FEATURING — Vanessa Montgomery ( @thevmontgomery ) mentions of Drew Torres and Tori Santamaria

lia: I cant be a mom, I barely even know how to take care of myself. One of the thoughts that swirled through Lias brain over the last hour. Still sat on the side of the bathtub, the pregnancy test laid on the sink. Her elbow resting on her knee as her focused trained on a specific spot on the floor. Her only move since she had seen the test was to grab her phone and text Vanessa. How the fuck does one even begin to take care of a kid? Taking a deep breath as she stood on shaky legs, collecting the test and her phone as she walked out of the bathroom. She couldnt even grab her usual vices to deal with the anxiety raking her body. Her body felt almost empty, her mind filled to the brim, but as she sat on the couch, wrapping herself in a ball, her hands instinctively fell to her stomach.

Vanessa: It was like her mind got a jump start reading Lia's message. Most of her messages went unnoticed, read, but unnoticed. There wasn't any reason she felt the need to see or speak to everyone all things considering, but Vanessa couldn't leave Lia at a time like this. Vanessa remembered going through all this alone. She remembered staring at the test, having no idea who to call and sitting in a dark room for days by herself. Vanessa wasn't going to let Lia go through that. As soon as she reached Luke and Lia's apartment, she moved straight through the house, finding Lia immediately and wrapping her arms around the girl. Was it for her comfort or the other girl's? It didn't matter, they both needed someone right now.

lia: she allowed herself to be engulfed by vanessa. the tears already falling from her eyes as she felt her arms around her. "I fucked up V," She choked out, "I cant be a mom," She spoke, glancing up to meet her gaze. She was grateful she had Vanessa in her life, even in whatever drama she was going through that made her leave town, she was still there when Lia needed her. But it would take some time for Lia, nothing was processing just feeling like facts floating through the air.

Vanessa: "you didn't fuck up, Lia," vanessa replied softly. it was all flushing back to her remembering this moment for herself. distraught on the floor feeling time collapsing. vanessa rubbed her friend's back, trying to provide whatever comfort she could bring. "we're going to get through this okay? together, i'm not going to let you do this alone."

liaa: "yea i did," She mumbled, her mind flashing through the memories of what shed done. Her night with Drew, telling Tori and subsequently losing her for now, and now this. "I cant let you say that without knowing the whole story," She sighed running her fingers through her hair. "The father is Drew," She spoke softly, "And I dont know what the fuck to do.."

Vanessa: it took everything in vanessa to pull herself together. she took a deep breath, "look, drew is an idiot, but he's gone through this before and i promise you he's going to do the right thing when you tell him, but i'm telling you you're going to have to tell him. you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't." she paused, feeling a little choked up about her own situation. vanessa stood up, and grabbing her friend's hand to sit on the tub rail. "we're going to go to the doctor and confirm how far along you are, but listen no impulsive thinking, no drinking, no smoking, no sleeping around, /nothing/."

liaa: her brows scrunched together at vanessas words, "What do you mean hes been through this before?" A sigh as she listened to her words, "I know, I plan on telling him. I will tell him," She paused before mumbling out, "eventually," Her eyes meeting vanessas as she spoke, nodding with her words, "I know, Im really sad too because I picked up a nice eighth," She chuckled, "Kidding...sort of," She sighed, "Im not sleeping around V, I never really have. Im taking this seriously, gonna read all the books and articles. Figure out my choices,"

liaa: "I dont even want to think about how Ill look pregnant, let alone if I have a kid," She spoke, "But I need to know everything, ya know?"

Vanessa: looked down, knowing she had to tell Lia eventually, after all that was the whole reason she came here. "At the end of Freshman year, I found out I was pregnant. He was there for me like with everything. He drove me to all my doctors appointments, let me stay over his place whenever my father got too much, even went on 2 am runs for me to get chinese and crap. And god, did that boy love my son with all his heart," she paused, her voice growing a little weak, but forcing some strength once she looked back to Lia. "He did right by me and he didn't even have to. With you, he's gonna give you and that baby the world if you let him," Vanessa explained. "We don't have to worry about any of that right now. What we need to worry about is you."

liaa: Her eyes widened, but she stayed silent, her brain did not however. The dots connecting in her head when Drew would disappear at times, realizing it was to go visit vanessa, to support her. A fond smile coming to her face as she thought about the boy, even as a best friend, he had been in dad mode from the jump. A part of her feeling warm knowing he wouldnt shove her away, or at least she hoped. "Im scared. Not worried, or nervous. But scared," She spoke, "Its terrifying to know that this has been growing in me, that someone is in there. Not just my organs anymore. I cant just go buckwild when I want because I want. My whole life is getting twisted V,"

Vanessa: "Come on, Li," Vanessa spoke softly. She wasn't going to let her friend be down on herself. She offered her hand out, "I'm gonna do for you what I wish someone would have done for me." Vanessa walked slowly, leading the girl back towards Lia's room and guiding her towards her bed. "Get in. Right now it's the size of a lima-bean at best. All this worrying is going to hurt you more than worrying will hurt the bean."

liaa: She smiled softly, taking her hand, following her through the apartment to her room. "V, its not my place, but did everyone know about your pregnancy? Or just drew?" She asked, "I dont think I want everybody, even the close ones, knowing," pulling the covers of her bed up, curling into them as she laid in the bed. "Ive grown up on worry, I think I can survive,"

Vanessa: pulled out her phone, her home screen showing a photo of Rocky and Vanessa sitting by a Christmas tree with matching smiles that took up their whole faces. "Drew's the only person who knew he was my son for a really long time, like almost three years now. Everyone else just assumed he was my little brother," she explained. "You only have to tell who you want to. I didn't even tell the father until a few months ago. Everyone isn't entitled to your life," she added. Vanessa laid in bed besides her friend, hoping that she was somehow helping. "You've gotta more than survive now."

liaa: Lia smiled as she saw the photo, "Hes adorable V," Listening as Vanessa spoke, her heart warming at the thought of Drew and Rocky interacting. "Im sure youre a great mom," She spoke softly, "Is Dallas the dad? Or did timelines overlap?" She asked, raising a brow, her tone void of all judgment and just interested in the part of her best friend she didnt know. "Why did it have to be Drew? Why couldnt it be Owen or Luke? Did God just wanna send a big fuck you my way? Want to ruin my relationship with Tori?" She sighed, "Or was it karma for not being honest with T from the gun? About everything.."

Vanessa: 's head dropped. She wasn't going to worry Lia about everything going her tragic motherhood. She wasn't a great mother, but that wasn't something she wanted to get into now. "Overlap," Vanessa said lowly. "Hence, me not telling the father until just a while ago." She knew it was wrong and saying it out loud made it all sound ghetto and fucked up, but that was her life. "Drew is not the worst person to have as your baby's father. Luke and Owen are not promised to step up, Drew will," Vanessa explained. "Have you told Tor he's the father yet?"

liaa: She nodded, "Thats fair, and at least you didnt have to lie to someone and or tell them you were wrong or something," She shrugged, "I didnt say he was, thats the issue. Hes perfect, the type to step up and actually support your decisions," She scoffed lightly, "She didnt even hear me out about sleeping with him, I dont think i can ever tell her im pregnant V," Looking at her friend with sad eyes, "It was like she was looking through me after I said it. I dont ever wanna see that look from her again,"

Vanessa: "I don't really wanna talk about Rocky's father if that's okay with you," Vanessa replied, not going too much into the subject. Her son was a sore spot for Vanessa, but the father situation was a whole different kind of pain. "Lia... You don't have to have this baby, you know that right?" Vanessa replied, her words slow so they could actually sink in. "I'm not on anyone's side! But you did sleep with her ex, you couldn't have expected her to just be calm and take that news like a champ. There's very few exes she cares about and you knew Drew was one of them..."

liaa: "Not a problem," She spoke with a nod. She knew better than to try and push Vanessa to talk about whats going on in her head. Turning towards her, a small smile, "I know. Im planning on looking at all options, even the ones that not everyone agrees with," A small shrug following her words, before she went silent. Listening to V speak, knowing she was more than correct in her words. "Its not that I expected her to be calm, but at least hear me out. She just defensive and harsh, which is fair, but i did expect some conversation about it," A small sigh as she ran her fingers through her hair, "its not like I meant to sleep with him V. I didnt hang out with him that night intending to see what his dick looked like, it just happened," Shaking her head lightly, "And I know its not an excuse, but its the truth. It wasnt planned, it wasnt like we ever intended on doing it. The plan was to be friends. Nothing more, nothing less, and now here we are,

Vanessa: "When have you ever known Tori to be much of a talker?" Vanessa replied playfully, shaking her head. "Okay ew! He's my best friend. I really really don't wanna talk about his dick! Whatever reason you had for hanging out with him is your business, but you've got to know that something was going to come from it. Drew too, but look we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now you need to get some sleep. All this worrying and back and forth isn't going to make this easier on you or really anyone involved."

liaa: "We've always been friends V, chaos comes to both of us, its enjoyable together," She shrugged, "I had never planned on being anything with him /after/ he got with Tori," She spoke, "All I know how to do is worry, especially when everything seems to be falling apart at the seams," It was true, everything she had known, was crumbling around her. Leaving her by herself in the storm, hanging onto Vanessa for dear life. "I just want it to be easier, but it wont be. And I know that,"

Vanessa: "You just gotta give her time, but you've also gotta be okay with the fact that she might never forgive you either," Vanessa explained, as much as she didn't want to think it would happen––Vanessa knew her best friend. "Whatever you decide to do, you know I'm gonna be by your side," Vanessa replied, interlocking her had with Lia's. "I wish I could tell you things are going to be easier, I really wish I could," she added softly. She'd be lying to saying anything about it, Vanessa knew /not/ knowing was always the easiest part. "It won't get better, you'll get better."

liaa: "I know, and I accept that. As much as it hurts, I know that she has that right. I betrayed her trust," She shrugged, "But shes always been there, i hate thinking about her not being here," A smile as she felt Vs hand in hers, "I appreciate you so much. For not judging more, or at least expressing it, and for being here. I know youve gone through something recently, and we dont got to talk about it. But it means something to me that your here right now," She spoke, an honest tone in her voice. "But youd be lying," She nodded, "Ive been told that for a while now. Seems like false hope,"

Vanessa: "Don't beat on yourself too much. We both know our girl can be a little dramatic," Vanessa explained. The last thing she wanted to do was be in the middle of this with all her closest friends involved, but Vanessa knew that everyone would be at each other's throats if she didn't stick her nose in it. "Lia, I got pregnant at 14 and became a teen mom at 15, I'm the last person who is ever going to judge you," Vanessa said softly, brushing a strand of hair out of Lia's face. "You know I'd be here for you baby, *but* if you do this dumb shit with Dallas I will put nair in your shampoo," Vanessa teased, wanting to lighten the situation. "You know I got you, pumpkin," she added, resting besides Lia.

liaa: "We all can be, and thats the real issue," She joked, "we all are dramatic bitches and most of the time it works for us," She knew that calling V automatically put her in the middle. It wasnt her intention, she genuinely just needed the girl. "I hope you know I understand if you decide being a part of all this drama is to much. I wouldnt be mad," She spoke, a small shrug at the end of her words, "Youre a strong person V. I know a lot of people dont tell you that, or praise you on other things. But going through what you did at that age, its tough for me now, i cant imagine three years ago," A small smile at Vanessas touch, "I would never with Dallas, hes like a big brother," She chuckled, "Can I admit something to you?" Her eyes turning to find Vanessa in the small light her side lamp gave off.

Vanessa: "I'm not dramatic! I'm just use to a certain lifestyle and anything outside that will be met with outing and tears," Vanessa joked back. She was going to be involved whether Lia called or not. "If you hadn't had called me, one of them would have." Drew would have called or even Tori. Somehow Vanessa always found out. Her head dropped somewhat, a long breath following before looking back to Lia. She didn't feel all too strong, the compliment falling somewhat on deaf ears. "Yeah, what is it?"

liaa: "Yea, not dramatic at all," She spoke sarcastically shaking her head lightly. "You arent wrong," She shrugged lightly, before her hand came up to play with my necklace. "Remember that guy i was into before tori and drew got together?" She questioned, turning slightly to look at V.

Vanessa: "Luke?" Vanessa asked raising an eyebrow. "Or does this have to do with those nice little Tiffany's necklaces you have for each day of the week?"

liaa: She chuckled lightly, "Ive always been into Luke, but its more of a sexual attraction than romantic i think," A small shrug, "And the necklaces are a whole different story for a different time," She rolled her eyes teasingly, "But seriously, again, youre the first person im admitting this to," She spoke before a deep sigh, "The guy was Drew, I had feelings for Drew. But then he got with Tori, and I distanced myself. Allowing the feelings to leave so they could be happy,"

Vanessa: "Plus Fiona would have your head if you tried anything that resembled a serious relationship," Vanessa teased. Her mouth dropped open wide, shockingly surprised at Lia's confession, though if Vanessa was using all her brain cells she could have known. "Amelia Jane Rosenburg!"

liaa: "Bitch I can take Fiona Coyne, shes not as big and bad as she pretends," She chuckled lightly, but knew that there was truth lingered within her words. No one that ends up with Luke or Fiona will compare to them for each other, and Lia wasnt gonna compete with that. "I know I know! But I did the right thing! I wasnt a bitch about it!"

Vanessa: "She will literally /buy/ you! Shit, I'd let her buy me if it weren't for her brother being the hotter Coyne," Vanessa joked. "Plus you can't fight people like Fiona Coyne, they press charges and then run to their men acting like you beat them or something then Luke's just gonna end up mad at you." She would never understand the girl's desire with the eldest Baker, but then again Vanessa's conquests never made sense either. "Did he know?"

liaa: "Yea yea yea, ive been told," She rolled her eyes, "I want to fight her. Ive wanted to for a while, not even because of whatever the fuck the relationship between me and Luke is. Shes just not a good person to me," She shrugged, "I dont think he did considering he tried to console me when it was brought up one day,"

Vanessa: "You're not fighting anyone," Vanessa replied, rolling her eyes playfully. "Do you want to be with him still? Like forget the bean in your belly and Tori, do you actually want to be with Drew?"

liaa: "I want to fight someone, but i can not right now," She spoke, a small shrug. Her eyes looking at the ceiling a she thought over vanessas question. "Yes," She answered, "Hes amazing V, in every sense. Sure hes made some dumb choices, we all have, but god that kid has a heart of gold," A sense of honesty in her tone as she spoke, "He makes the hard seem easy just by coexisting with me if I need him. Hes always willing to distract me or talk shit out with me. When weve gone out hes fought dudes for me because they cant take no," She chuckled lightly, "I want it V, i really really want it,"

Vanessa: "Then you know what you need to do," Vanessa nodded. She knew this was going to be a ride if they were to actually get together, but if Lia was happy Tori would have to come around at some point right? "My mama use to say everything's going to be okay in the end, if it's not okay.. it's not the end."

liaa: "I need to run to alaska and change my name," She spoke with an affirming head nod. Smiling at her words, "Your mom seems like a smart lady. My mom is a cunt," She shrugged with a small chuckle, "Can we just cuddle and sleep? Im done thinking about this,"

#vanessa.#barbie girl💫 plastics #tw:pregnancy

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crowley-fe11 · 5 years ago

Text

Off suppressants

You're now chatting with a random stranger.

You both like johnlock.

Stranger: I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I've just hid it for a while now and I got used to people thinking I was a beta. JW [omegaverse. John's an omega who's been hiding his nature. 18+ just in case if anything happens and if you don't like this, please leave quietly.]

You: You've likely done so so you'd be taken more seriously, especially in your career, right? SH

Stranger: Yeah. And I wasn’t treated that great growing up so I've been talking those suppressants since long before I joined the army. JW

You: I would likely do the same if I were in your shoes. I'm just surprised I hadn't picked up on it sooner. SH

Stranger: But now that you know, I need to talk to you about something. JW

Stranger: Because I'd like to give you a heads up. JW

You: Of course. What is it? SH

Stranger: My doctor wants to take me off my suppressants. She's worried that the long term use is causing problems. JW

Stranger: By also being a doctor and knowing myself.. I think it's a good call. JW

You: I appreciate you telling me. If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask. SH

Stranger: Do you think our living situation will be okay? Because, I just need you to know that a lot will change. JW

You: I'm certain we can manage. SH

Stranger: We can talk more when I get back to the flat then. JW

You: Absolutely. I take it you'll be on your way soon? SH

Stranger: Yeah. I just need to pick up something from the pharmacy and if you want, I can grab some food on the way if you're hungry? JW

You: I wouldn't mind if you do. Whatever you're in the mood for is fine. SH

Stranger: Sounds good. Give me an hour depending on lines and everything. JW

You: No worries. I'll see you later. SH

Stranger: I'll see you. JW

Stranger: [Would you like to move to paragraphs or nah? I know not everyone likes to]

You: (We can if you'd like, though would you like to start?)

Stranger: [I can start, yeah. And also, I'm pretty quick with replies so if you dont get a response right away, just let me know, some of my messages haven't been going through :(]

Stranger: John soon found himself walking up the stairs to their flat, carrying a bag of take out and a small paper bag with his prescription. He walked in and set the bag of take out on the table near the windows. "I got some Chinese food, if that's alright with you. At first I was thinking pasta or something but then decided on something better," He laughed to himself and then paused for a moment before sighing. He knocked his knuckles against the table and then headed into the kitchen to tuck away his medicine for later.

You: Perched at his microscope, Sherlock heard the footsteps on the stairs that were distinctly John's approximately an hour after the last text in their conversation. As he was certain John may want to discuss the matter further, he finished jotting down a few observations from his slide before pulling himself away and helping John unpack the takeaway he'd brought. "Seems fitting, in a way," he answered as he got out some utensils for them both.

Stranger: John headed back to where he had left the bag of take out and he smiled at Sherlock briefly before taking a container of fried rice. He took one of the utensils and then sat down in his armchair. "What, ah.. have you been up to all day?" He asked, pushing their conversation from earlier for a bit later as he started eating.

You: "Just studying the decomposition of various organ tissues. Not terribly much other than that," Sherlock answered as he grabbed a couple potstickers to go with the box of lo mein, soon heading over to sit in his chair across from John. "How was your day? Aside from your appointment."

Stranger: "It was.. okay," John said slowly, nodding carefully. "I haven't been taking my suppressants since Thursday which is why.. you figured everything out based on my sudden obvious scent." He got quieter and then took in a deep breath, giving a shrug. "Its strange.. going about my regular day and people eyeing me different."

You: "As long as you do what's best for your health, that's what matters," Sherlock assured him. "Though I can imagine that might've been difficult. You're still you, when it comes down to it," he added. "Anyone who judges you differently because of that clearly isn't worth your time."

Stranger: John gave him a slow smile and then crossed his ankles as he took a few more bites of his food. "Well, I'm in for a not so fun week. I have to call off work and I can't accompany you on any case that might pop up," He told him before getting up to grab a couple potstickers for himself. He put one into his mouth before sticking an extra one into his container.

You: "Honestly, if there's anything I can do to make it even the least bit better for you, don't hesitate to ask," Sherlock offered. He could only imagine what things would be like for John until he was completely off his suppressants, and even when he did reach that point. It all seemed so tedious, just thinking about it.

Stranger: John hesitated for a moment, gazing at Sherlock before nodding and moving back to sit in his chair. "Yes, thanks.." He bit the inside of his cheek and then tilted his head, looking down at his food. "She's given me a week of pills to take. They're to induce a heat to try and get things going so that its not a disaster when the suppressants fully leave my system."

You: Sherlock nodded at that. "Would you like me to stay elsewhere during that time?" He asked John. He realised that a flatshare between an Alpha and Omega was tricky to start with, in certain respects, and heats were definitely of the riskiest.

Stranger: John hummed quietly and tapped his fingers against the side of the container as he thought it over. "I know its risky but I would actually rather you stay around in case I need something. I'm worried there will be problems that arise that I'll need someone to be able to call my doctor if need be." He hesitated and then shook his head. "Only if you want to, though. I can always find someone else to stay here with me if you'd rather stay somewhere else."

You: "I think we can make it work. Worse comes to worse, if I find I'm in over my head, I could ask Mrs. Hudson if she could check in on you," Sherlock told him. "Though we'll definitely have to establish some boundaries, depending on what you would be comfortable with."

Stranger: John nodded and relaxed more obviously into his chair. "We can talk things out tomorrow in specifics, yeah?" He flashed him a smile. "I would right now but I want to go to bed early. I've been feeling off all weekend and I can sleep in tomorrow so I'm looking forward to a lot of sleep."

You: "Of course. Take all the rest you need," Sherlock told him with a nod and a reassuring smile. He could see as plain as day that John was exhausted, and some extra sleep couldn't hurt. "Thank you for picking up dinner, by the way."

Stranger: John finished off his container of fried rice and then stood up with another soft smile towards his best friend. "You're welcome. Could you put the leftovers away in the fridge?" He asked, moving into the kitchen to throw away the container. "Preferably /not/ on the same shelf as your experiments," He added on with a laugh. He pulled out his prescription bag and opened it, taking out the container that he had been given. He popped out the first pill and leaned back, checking the time.

You: Sherlock gave a small chuckle before he got up to put the rest of the leftover Chinese away. "Don't worry, I've reorganised everything in there. The takeaway won't be anywhere near those," he assured John as he started to put the containers in the fridge. "And you'll let me know if there's anything else in the meantime?"

Stranger: John grabbed out a glass and filled it with water in order to take the pill. "Yeah, I will." He turned towards the man and leaned against the counter. He walked over to him and set his hand on Sherlock's arm briefly. "Thanks. See you in the morning?" He asked.

You: Sherlock's heart skipped a beat when John's hand touched his own, blinking a few times before he shook himself out of it and offered the other a smile. "I'll see you in the morning," he agreed. "I hope you have a good night, John."

Stranger: John lingered there for a moment before nodding. He pulled away and then headed to his bedroom. He lay awake for a while even though he was exhausted and he thought about the feeling he got when he initiated a touch between them. He had felt something shift slightly between them and he felt a small bit of excitement pulsating inside of him. The next morning, after he was able to sleep for a long while, he dragged himself out of bed. Little did he know that the off feel he had been feeling were signs of his heat, already naturally starting to formulate once he'd been off the suppressants for a couple days. It probably would've taken a week or more for those symptoms to develop into a full on heat but with the pill, it was starting to wake up his body. It wasnt a heat yet, no, but his scent was more obviously a sweet, pre-heat one. He made his way down to the kitchen and hummed to himself happily as he saw the tray of tea on the kitchen table.

You: Sherlock seldom slept much, though it never really bothered him. So it was no surprise when he managed to go to bed fairly late and wake up at the crack of dawn. That's when he figured that it might be best to fix some tea for when John was up. His body was already being put through so much, and really, it was smallest of favours that might even help his morning be a bit better. Though when John did come down, his scent immediately popped out at the Alpha. His heat would be coming soon. "How did you sleep?" Sherlock asked, even though he could see that the other was much better rested than the evening before.

Stranger: John poured himself a cup of tea and then glanced up towards Sherlock with a wide smile. The man smelled very good, John's mind pointed out as he looked over him. So good. It was insane. Had he never noticed before? He cleared his throat and then raised the cup of tea lightly before taking a sip. "Very well, thank you. I don't think I've slept through the night like that in a while."

You: "That's good to hear. You definitely needed the rest," Sherlock told him with a small smile, finding he felt rather drawn to the scent John was putting off, though he knew better. They still had to discuss what the other would feel comfortable with in his heat, and it seemed that was becoming a rather urgent topic. "Have you given the subject from last night much thought?" He asked as he sipped from his own mug.

Stranger: John leaned against the counter, sipping at his tea thoughtfully as he rolled the question around in his head. "Not much thought.. haven't had a lot of time to think about it yet." He set aside his mug and crossed his arms lightly. "Have you given it any thought? Any ideas?"

You: "Well, what are the things your doctor advised you should keep an eye on? Depending on what it is, I may just need to knock on your door to make sure you're faring alright, and keep you stocked up on food and water. But it also depends on what level of involvement you'd rather me have," Sherlock told him with a small shrug.

Stranger: John sighed and looked down for a moment. "Yes, well that all sounds good. The things she's most concerned about is the potential of bleeding and such," He explained lightly. "Which I'll be able to keep track of myself." He uncrossed his arms and set his hands the edge of the counter, shrugging as well. "So yeah, water and food is probably all you need to worry about."

You: "Right," Sherlock murmured as he considered it. "This might seem like an odd suggestion, but as I have the adjoining bathroom, perhaps it would be best if we traded rooms for the duration? Unless you'd feel more comfortable with the familiarity of your room still, which would be fine nonetheless. It's entirely your choice."

Stranger: John hesitated and then nodded slowly. "I actually quite like that idea. It might be fairly helpful." He crossed his arms again and tilted his head. "Are you okay with staying my room for the week, then?"

You: "Well, yes. It seems fair, and it would be fine temporarily," Sherlock answered. "So, is there anything in particular you'd like before it sets in? Anything I can pick up to make it more bearable for you?"

Stranger: "If I can remember back to the last time I had my heat which was, mind you, back in college, I think I was craving salty foods around the clock," John rubbed the back of his neck and then idly started itching at his scent glands, finding them irritated and sensitive.

You: Sherlock couldn't help but feel the slightest bit tempted as John's fingers rubbed over his scent glands. "Alright, I can pick up some things along those lines. Unless there's anything else you can think of, you can make sure you'd be comfortable in my room."

Stranger: John's eyes drifted shut and he tilted his head more as his nails scratched at his skin. He pull his hand back and hummed quietly. "Yeah. I'll go make sure right now," He mumbled and then reopened his eyes. He wet his lips and then nodded. He brushed past Sherlock as he walked towards his room and shuffled down the short hallway in the back of the kitchen that led to the room.

You: Once John brushed past him, Sherlock could feel his nerves light up, and intoxicating desire flash across his mind. "I'll.. be back in just a bit then?" He told the other as he immediately rushed to get his coat, not even giving John a chance to respond as he tried to hide how much his face was starting to flush. "Yes. Good. See you."

Stranger: John was a bit startled by the sudden movements but he brushed them off as he walked into Sherlock's room. He hesitated in the doorway and suddenly realized this was a very bad idea. But he didn't want to leave. He walked in slowly, leaving the door open behind him as he crawled into the alpha's bed. He ran his hands over the sheets and then buried his face into the pillows, breathing in his scent. He could feel warmth spreading through him rapidly as he surrounded himself in Sherlock's things. He raided the closet, starting to pull out soft items of clothing, towels, extra sheets, a robe. He pulled it all out and onto the man's bed. His mind had zoned in on this one task, basically making a nest out of all the things he had found. Once he had finished, he tucked himself into the center.

You: Sherlock walked to one of the corner shops near the flat, figuring a walk would help to clear his head. He had to get past his impulses if this was ever going to work, especially in the long term. And he wasn't going to lie. He liked John. Perhaps as more than a friend, and perhaps since before he found out his true nature. But it was clear that John liked him simply as a friend, regardless of whatever hormonal spikes he was having. He had to be there to support him. A short while later, Sherlock had taken enough time to compose himself as well as pick up crisps, and any other comfort foods he could think of that John might enjoy during his heat, and he soon returned to the flat, ready to help John get settled in however he needed before it came on.

Stranger: John had shed his jumper and the tshirt he'd been wearing underneath. He tossed them aside but kept on his pajama bottoms for now. He rolled around into the nest of Sherlock's stuff, trying to find a comfortable position. He was rosy cheeked and rather in heaven at the moment being surrounded by the strong scent. He soon found a position on his stomach and some of the sheets tangled around one leg.

You: Sherlock opened the door with bags in tow and was immediately hit with John's scent, heavy and tempting all on it's own. Oh no. Perhaps he miscalculated. Heats after suppressant use could hit harder than unsuppressed heats. And he could see that his door was still cracked open. Sherlock held his breath as best he could. "John?" He called out. "Shall I leave the snacks at your door and leave you be?"

Stranger: John heard Sherlock's voice and he raised his head slowly, a small whine escaping. He carefully climbed off the bed and then walked to the door, opening it more fully. His hair was messed up from rolling around and nestling into the bed. His skin was flushed and his pants sat a bit lopsided on his hips. "Hm?" He tilted his head, resting it against the doorframe. "What'd you get?" He asked.

You: Sherlock bit his lip at the sight of John, so bare and disheveled. "Here, just..." He stammered as he moved closer to hand the other the bags of essentials he'd picked up. "There's water, and crisps, and lots of other things. You can text me or tell me when I check in if there's anything else you need. But it seems like you should have time to yourself about now..."

Stranger: John took the bag slowly, his fingertips brushing against Sherlock's. He hesitated and then nodded, turning slightly to drop the bag unceremoniously behind himself. His hand reached out shortly after, grabbing ahold of Sherlock's wrist. He looked up at him, taking a slight step forward. "Your room smells like you.." He told him before lifting Sherlock's hand in order to nuzzle against it.

You: Sherlock's heart raced as John took his hand, nuzzling against it. He felt warm to the touch, and his cheeks were flushed and rosy. "I imagine it would," he answered in a whisper, swallowing as he tried his best to stay focused. "If you really want to spend your heat alone, I suggest you go back inside and close the door," he told the other softly.

Stranger: John hummed shortly and then looked up at Sherlock again. "Maybe I don't want to be alone.. but I am too scared to say it out right," He murmured to him. He nudged his nose against his hand again before reluctantly dropping it. He then lifted one hand, touching Sherlock's chest carefully with curious little taps.

You: John's touch sent warmth running through the Alpha, and his ability to resist was beginning to fail. "I may be willing," Sherlock told him softly as he reached up to caress John's cheek. "But I just need to confirm that it's what you'd want, even after this is done."

Stranger: John tilted his head into his hand, biting down on his lip as his eyes closed. "Mhm.." He pressed closer and dragged his lips against Sherlock's hand as he tilted his head. "I want this.. I think I've wanted it for a while.."

You: "As have I," Sherlock breathed, the last of his self-control vanishing as he closed his eyes and leaned in to press his lips against John's, his arms wrapping around the Omega to pull him closer and kiss him more deeply.

Stranger: John's arms wrapped around Sherlock's neck and kissed him back deeply as well, threading his fingers into the alpha's hair as he moved their lips together. He moved up onto his toes and exhaled through his nose sharply as parted his lips lightly.

You: Sherlock sighed into the kiss and parted his lips as well as his hands caressed over John's bare body, eager to touch at long last, feel every part of the other that he could.

Stranger: John tilted his head into the kiss, pushing his tongue past Sherlock's lips in curiosity. He took a couple steps back, trying to guide Sherlock ad his feet stumbled a little bit.

You: Sherlock followed into his bedroom as John guided him, keeping him steady with his hands on his waist, letting his tongue begin to explore John further as he kissed him back with more passion, more hunger.

Stranger: John soon parted their lips however, breath trembling a bit as he panted. He let go of Sherlock slowly and then pulled away completely in order to climb onto the bed. "C'mere.." He urged, reaching out towards him with an expectant look.

You: Sherlock shrugged off his coat as John moved to the bed, though he still felt immensely overdressed as he took in the sight of him, laying in a nest of the Alpha's things. "Oh, definitely," he assured him as he began removing his suit jacket and undoing the buttons of his shirt as quickly as he could manage.

Stranger: John bit down on his lip hard, his pupils dilating a bit as he watched him. He panted a bit harder and then gave a soft whine as his need overflowed. He wet his lips slowly and then gave a few open mouthed pants. "..Alpha.. c'mon," He begged quietly.

You: Sherlock toed out of his shoes before leaning in to kiss John softly to help placate him as he moved on to undoing his trousers. "Nearly there, John. Just want to join you properly," he soothed as he pulled them down and climbed into bed with him, gently embracing him.

Stranger: John kissed back firmly before Sherlock pulled back to undo his trousers. He suddenly remembered his own and shimmied out of the pajama bottoms before smiling at Sherlock when he embraced him. He rolled on top of him so that the alpha was on his back and he straddled his hips as he nudged their noses together.

You: Now that Sherlock was in the nest that John had created, it was evident just how much it smelled like him and his heat in the time he was gone with the errands. He gazed up at the Omega adoringly as he straddled his hips, letting his hands rest on them as he brushed his nose back against the other's. "You're incredible..."

Stranger: John let out a shaky breath and then pressed a short kiss against his lips. "Thank you.." He whispered gently and then pressed another, slower kiss against his lips. He rocked on his hips gently and moved his lips carefully against Sherlock's incredibly addictive ones.

#omegle rp #johnlock rp #johnlock #omegaverse #omega!john #alpha!sherlock #heats #heat sharing #consent is important #sherlock rp

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bedbellyandbeyond · 6 years ago

Photo

Sickness

(Story Post)

A morning came one day where Nathan just couldn’t get out of bed. He called his doctor hoping he’d come for a house call and thankfully Reid had a little bit of time. When he arrived at Nathan’s home, he let himself in with the key Nathan had told him was under his flower pot. He headed upstairs to find his favourite wolf-man curled up in a cocoon again. “Oh dear, what’s the matter today?” Reid asked. “You can’t get out of bed?” Nathan rolled over to face him and frowned. “They’re moving…”

Reid blinked, his eyes lighting up. “Really? Well, that’s a very good sign, Nathan.” “I hate it… They’re making me nauseous,” Nathan said. “I don’t know what to do… I think I’ll puke if I get up…” Reid sighed sympathetically. “Unfortunately, getting up is the most common cure. When you lie down, babies love to go nuts in there, but when you stand, they typically calm down.” “If I stand, I’ll puke.” “You probably won’t but I can get you a trash can or something,” Reid said. “Is there one in your bathroom?” “Should be…” Reid went and got the bin and brought it back. “Take this and get yourself up. Come on.” Nathan wrapped the blankets around himself and tucked it so it wouldn’t come off then took the trash can in one hand and let Reid pull him up with his other hand. When he was upright, he did still feel queasy, but the twins settled down after a few seconds alongside the nausea. “I’m not gonna puke,” Nathan said. “Aye. So is that all I drove out here for?” Reid asked. “Well… No…” Nathan said, looking down. “There’s something else…” “And what’s that, laddie?” Reid asked, patting Nathan’s arm. “I… Um, it’s really embarrassing…” Nathan said. “I guess, it’s uh… Ah, fuck it…” He undid the blanket, displaying the two big wet marks in his pyjama shirt. Reid put his hands on his hips. “Well, well. Your milks come in.” “But why?” Nathan asked. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re pregnant.” “But I don’t have tits!” Nathan said. “You don’t need prominent breasts to start lactating, just the right plumbing which everyone has—unless removed—and the right hormone cocktail,” Reid explained. “This was to be expected.” “Then why didn’t you tell me this would happen?” “I forgot but also I expected you to consider it before,” Reid said. “But it’s nothing to fret about. Let me take a look.” Nathan sighed and took off his shirt. He looked away as the doctor examined his chest. “They’ve definitely swollen up,” Reid said. “Are they tender?” “Yeah, really sensitive…” Nathan pouted. “Shirts feel uncomfortable rubbing against them. And I don’t know what to do with all the…all the leakage.” “Say no more. You want nursing pads,” Reid said. “There’s different kinds, but overnight ones and braless ones will likely be best.” Nathan rubbed his eye. “I’ve been to baby stores too much now… I really don’t want to go out like this.” “Laddie. Order them online,” Reid said. “It’s early morning. You could potentially have it all delivered by the end of the day. Also, get yourself a big sports bra. That’ll help a lot.” “A bra? I can’t wear a bra!” Nathan complained. “Yes you can. I believe in you. You’re not the only man who’s ever had to wear a bra. I can guarantee that.” “Oh god, how am I supposed to do all this? It’s so embarrassing and I have to do it alone,” Nathan groaned. Reid rubbed his back. “Tell me what’s on your mind. What’s troubling you most about this?” Nathan sighed deeply and sat down. “I just… Everything I expected when it came to me having kids is thrown out the window…” “What were you expecting?” Reid sat down beside him. “Well, first I thought I’d be adopting… And I thought I’d have job security. And I thought I’d be…well, married. At least, I’d have a partner helping me… Signing the papers with me. Decorating the nursery with me. Picking out clothes. But I’ve done everything alone. And I’m pregnant.” Reid rubbed his chin. “Well, have you thought about dating?” Nathan frowned. “Dating? Seriously? Like this?” He motioned to his torso. “You’d be surprised by the people who could be into that,” Reid insisted. Nathan crinkled his nose. “I don’t want to be someone’s fetish. I want someone who wants the normal me. The not fat and leaking me.” He looked down. “God, if I hadn’t…become what I am now… I’d still be with Hugh. I’d still work at my old school. We were even starting to talk about kids… I ruined everything.” “Well, I’m sorry, but I’ve heard your transformation story many times and it has always sounded like it was Hugh’s fault you were bit in the first place,” Reid said. “He took you off the path. He found the wolf cub. He chose to leave you when you needed him most.” “I tore his leg off!” Nathan growled. “I’d leave any man who tore my leg off too!” “He wouldn’t have had his leg torn off if he didn’t get you bit,” Reid stated. “You understand?” Nathan crossed his arms. “Are you pinning this on Hugh to try and make me feel better? Because it’s not working.” He gagged a little as he felt a movement in his stomach again so he stood up. “God, I want this to end…” “It’ll be over soon,” Reid said. “Rest for today.” “I can't…” Nathan rubbed his eyes. “I’ve missed work way too much… The principal acts nice about it, but I can tell she wants to kill me.” “She doesn’t want to kill you. But you need the rest. I might even say we should start you on bed rest but you’re determined to work.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but children are expensive,” Nathan said. “I can barely afford my own living situation right now. I need to work.” Reid sighed. “After the next wolf cycle, I’m putting you on bed rest. You need it and the twins need it. I can tell just by looking at you, you’re beyond exhausted.” “…Fine. That gives me three weeks,” Nathan huffed. “But that’s still so soon…” “Just keep thinking about how you’ll get to meet your little angels.” Reid placed a hand on the side of Nathan’s stomach. “I think you’ll find it’s all worth it.” Nathan exhaled deeply for a couple seconds then placed his hands on his stomach. In this sitting position, the twins had started acting up again and he could feel them moving. His stomach turned as he felt it, but he just thought about how it was his children and that every little move meant they were alive. While he still felt a little sick from the movement, it warmed his heart a little bit knowing they were safe. “…Doc.” Reid perked up. “Aye?” “I should tell my parents, right?” Reid blinked stared at Nathan. “You haven’t told your parents yet that they’re going to be grandparents?” Nathan shook his head. “…I haven’t talked to them since… Well, since my grandma’s funeral.” “Ah. Fuzzy connection?” Nathan nodded. “Very fuzzy… I came out when I was fifteen and they sent me away to live with my grandma. They thought her ‘traditional ways’ would ‘fix’ me. That backfired pretty quick. My nana was nothing but loving.” He rubbed his belly. “I wish she was here to meet her great grandkids… But I guess, that’s not common anyway…” “Mm… Aye, I wish you coulda been so lucky,” Reid sympathised. “And it’s up to you whether you believe your parents should know and be a part of this journey with you. The last thing you need though is more stress.” “Right…” Nathan sighed and stood back up to relieve the movement. “Can you let Principal Liu know I won’t be coming in today?” “I’ll do that.” Reid checked his watch. “I got to go though. I have an appointment with another patient.” “Alright, go ahead… I’m good I guess,” Nathan decided. “Thanks for coming all the way out here, doc. I guess my issue was pretty dumb…” Reid shook his head. “No, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Do you have any friends or family who can come around and check up on you?” “Um… The only person I can think of would maybe be Nari… But he’d be working, so…” “It might be worth talking to him because it’s always better to have people around if not just for emotional support.” “I guess… But Nari's… Nari can be a little…” “Stubborn and abrasive?” Reid asked. “Yeah, he’s like that. But he means well and I’m sure if he’s paid any attention to you, it means he likes you.” “I mean, I guess… He made us official friends the other day when we, uh…” Nathan scratched the back of his head. “Well, he came over to help with my laundry. Started calling me by my first name.” “Well, then you’re best buds it seems,” Reid chuckled. “Good, it’s important he makes friends too… He avoids it. You know you’re true friends when he carries you over.” “Over what?” Nathan asked. “Over lives. You must’ve heard him talk about his lives,” Reid explained. “Nari creates a new persona every couple decades to avoid people catching on to his immortality. Each new persona is usually accompanied with a big move. His first new persona moved to the UK. Then when she was done, Nari was created and he moved to Canada. What I’d like to see is either an extension in one of his personas, or at least the effort to bring over some people in his life and not just cut everyone off.” “Oh. That seems…” Nathan rubbed his chin. “Dramatic maybe?” “Yes, but you can understand. I only hope to be brought over too… I feel like he should at least consider what APID has to offer him or whoever he’ll be in the long term.” Reid checked his watch again and clenched his teeth. “Christ, I really gotta go, Nathan. But I’ll call in the afternoon, make sure you’re well.” Nathan nodded and pulled a robe on. “…Nursing pads, right?” “Aye. I’ll send you a link to some good ones from the web.” Reid went out to the stairs. “Okay… Bye then.” “Eat something. Bye now.”

#lore #mpreg #Nathan #Reid #werewolf

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lenin-it-to-win-it · 5 years ago

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just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)”

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class”

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!!

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

#vent #rant #i sincerely doubt anyone will read to the end of this but whomst knows #besides it feels nice to just scream

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adhdisgay · 6 years ago

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hey same diagnose-meds anon i forgot to ask (bc of course) what ur experience with gettin a diagnose was if u dont mind sharing? thanks again 💚

not at all! I’m posting this one separately ‘cause I didn’t want the post to be too long.

so my sophomore year of college was #rough, and I knew that something was wrong. none of my friends was finding school as hard as I was and my GPA was dropping. I asked one of my friends for study tips, and after explaining what I was having trouble with, he actually suggested that I might have adhd. his sister had it as well and a lot of our symptoms overlapped.

I was nervous that I wouldn’t be taken seriously if I came in suggesting adhd, so I scheduled an appointment with our uni counseling center and expressed that I was having trouble with classes. I once again laid out all that I was finding difficult, and without me bringing it up at all, the counselor mentioned that I might have adhd. she gave me the name and contact information of a ‘specialist’ near my school that did testing (in addition to in-school resources for studying).

I told my mom, and while she was a bit unsure, she knows that anxiety runs in my family and has always been a strong supporter of getting help for mental health issues. she was seeing our family care physician back in my home town that week, and when she told her what was going on with me, the physician was extremely adamant that I come see her before getting tested.

what she failed to mention was that she wasn’t available to see me for two months. so I waited, and I waited, and I waited, until eventually I visited home and had my appointment with her. and oh boy, what an appointment that was.

when I described how school was going and what the counselor had said, my provider was extremely dismissive. she told me that I was probably just not trying hard enough or needed different study techniques. she told me to stop leaving classes halfway through even though I explained that I literally Could Not Stay sitting in classes that were boring for over an hour. there was a lot of her just knocking every concern that I had, and I got really frustrated.

when I mentioned that I wanted to try medications as an option but that I knew they weren’t for everyone, she flipped out. she explained how “she was a little ADD too, and you know, everyone is.” she said that she tried stimulants once and they made her feel terrible, they make everyone feel terrible, I shouldn’t even try them. she went on to tell me how she knew that a lot of college kids wanted stimulants to help them with assignments, but if I just buckle down and do them then I don’t even really need Adderall, do I? and since she knew I was working, she pointed out that I didn’t need any money I would have gotten from selling the drugs. I just stopped talking and tried really hard not to cry haha

when I left, she said that if I really still wanted to be tested, then I’d have to schedule another appointment with her in a different month and they’d do bloodwork, etc etc. I have never gone back to see her, for anything. neither has anyone else in my family.

once I got back to school, I immediately contacted the specialist and set up an appointment for a few weeks later. I went and talked with him for a bit about my symptoms, he gave me a checklist, and bada bing, bada boom, I had ADD and a diagnosis (I think. I’m assuming? I wasn’t really sure what he was doing tbh).

I had to start seeing a general physician in the area since adhd meds are so strongly regulated, so I became a patient at a nearby family clinic. I brought a note from him and gave it to the doctor, and she is who I’ve been seeing ever since. I’d have to stop by the clinic every month to get a new prescription, and I’d have to actually go in to see the doctor every 3 months just to check in.

my physician now is amazing and so kind, and she’s been really receptive to how my side effects are treating me. she almost took me off my meds once because I was losing too much weight but I figured out a more steady diet and she kept me on them. she is approachable and listens to me and has always been very informed on how my meds work, and I highly recommend finding someone who treats you the same way. if your provider isn’t supportive, find another provider.

hopefully your experience is less stressful and doesn’t take as long! there isn’t a standard way of diagnosing adhd so you might go through something different to get a diagnosis. either way, again, make sure you’re with a provider that listens to you and is obviously trying to do what’s best for you. don’t stick with someone who is dismissive just because that’s who you’re used to seeing.

I wish you luck!!

#anonymous #ask #diagnosis #long post #personal tag

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fairycosmos · 6 years ago

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(tw suicide mention) I feel so alienated from everyone in my life im always everyone’s last choice for everything i thought i was getting somewhere with my crush but he started dating my friend and i kinda wanna fucking kill myself i dont know how much longer i can stay alive i feel so lonely ive been feeling this awful for a long time and nothing is getting better at all I already know how I’ll end it i just need to decide when im sorry for venting but idk who else to talk to

hey, hey it’s okay :( i’m so sorry my love. i can’t imagine how hard things must be for you right now. take a breath. words probably seem pointless when you’re feeling so down, but try to believe at least some of what i say. do you think it’s possible, that your depression and your recent negative experiences, are causing you to over generalize, to reject any sense of self worth? like, those are both things that fuck up your perception of reality a lot. but it won’t always stay distorted, it truly won’t always be like this. so by that i mean - you’re not everyone’s last choice. i promise. maybe it feels like that, but the way other people treat you is not a reflection of who you are, not in this context anyway. and it won’t be the case with every person that you come across in your life. where you’re at right now is honestly not where you’ll always be, i can’t stress that enough. i know it hurts. not getting the person you want is awful, losing them to someone else is terrible, and having to hold onto all of this sadness probably seems pretty much impossible. the people that don’t recognize you for the wonderful person that you are, are simply missing out on the entirety of you. it’s their loss, it’s their issue. not yours. but it’s ok to feel that pain. it’s ok to cry it out, to want to give up, to lose it for a little bit. you don’t have to push those emotions away, you can sit with them and process them - it’s not the feeling that matters, it’s how you cope with it my love. it’s the same thing with thoughts. feeling suicidal is obviously a very serious thing to deal with, but there’s a massive difference between having a thought and acting on it. i really believe in your ability to find and to hold on to that distinction. you don’t have to act on your urges. you don’t have to hurt yourself on the outside to show that you’re hurting on the inside. you can communicate, you can get it all out in so many others ways. robbing yourself of a chance and of a future is not going to solve anything. your brain is deliberately trying to make you feel trapped so that you’re easier to control. it’s a delusion, and you don’t have to trust it. you can create a safe environment for yourself. you can. look at the situation, and feel the anger and the pain, but don’t make any permanent, irreversible choices based on what you’re going through at the moment. please.

the thing is, you have so many options, even if your mind is not allowing you to see them at the moment. please please please, if you believe me about anything, believe me about this. it’s alright to reach out to people and to let them know what’s going on in your head. the way out is not by ending things, it’s by going through them. and the first step to that is just talking. i know it’s scary. it’s fine to be afraid. but don’t let that stop you from doing what’s best for yourself. make a list of priorities in your head, and put your mental health at the top of it, okay? even if you have to absolutely force yourself to care. even if you don’t want to, even if your head is screaming at you not to. it’s time to take back a bit of control. you can start by talking to a friend or family member - fight past the feeling of alienation. isolating yourself will only make you feel more disconnected. it’s up to you to put a stop to that cycle. if family and friends aren’t an option, there are many hotlines you can call that will give you a bit of guidance and advice. if you’re in school, you can always talk to the counselor a teacher. if you’re not, set up an appointment with your usual doctor and see if he/she can refer you. if you don’t want to do that, look into resources in your community such as local support groups. there will be something. you just have to seek it out. you have to make it an active part of your life, in order to get the ball rolling. if we look at depression/suicidal thoughts as an illness - a serious mental disorder - then doesn’t it make sense for professional help to be the next step, rather than hurting yourself? your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health, and it should be treated with the same level of seriousness. if you had cancer, would you deny yourself treatment and just expect things to feel better? of course not, right? this is just as urgent. you deserve help. you deserve to find some peace of mind. and a professional can really enable you to do that. like i said before, your perception and mindset is pretty much guaranteed to change - you won’t always see things the way you do right now. but you can help it all to change quicker by engaging. someone like a therapist or a counselor can literally show you how to cope when these feelings arise. they can allow you to discover what caused these thoughts in the first place, they can uproot that issue and help you come to terms with it. they may also be able to refer you to a psychiatrist, who could (depending on your situation) give you some meds to even out your brain chemistry, to help you see things clearly again. letting people know can honestly help you breathe again, as stupid as that sounds. i’m not saying that talking will solve everything. i’m not saying there won’t be times when you feel like saying fuck it. i’m saying that if you look at this from an objective standpoint, if you take today and try your best with it, then you’ll see clearly what it is that you need to do. put yourself first. self hatred is a trap. you’re more than that.

i’m under no illusions. everything is so much easier said than done. but i’m not saying all of this for nothing. i fucking believe in you so so much. you know how many stories i’ve heard, of people who have been exactly where you are, but they stuck around and then eventually they were so grateful that they did? it happens all the time. look, it’s very very easy to become disillusioned with life. and i get that. cause the world is a fucking difficult place to live in. especially if you’re mentally ill. but this is the only life you’re ever going to have, man. even if you don’t want it at the minute, it’s here and it’s happening. and it’s the rarest thing in the universe. don’t throw it away because of a moment in your existence. you’re so much more than you think you are. your presence on this planet is significant, and it has made a difference, and nothing would be the same without you here. i mean it. every time you feel worthless, you have to force yourself to acknowledge the inherent worth that you were born with. as soon as you got here, you mattered. and that fact won’t go away just cause you can’t see it, so listen. i’m not saying you can’t be sad. i’m not saying there’s a simple solution. i’m saying that trying is more than good enough. i understand that putting in any sort of effort is the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling so shitty. but it’s the one thing you have to demand of yourself. it doesn’t have to be anything big - it can be letting yourself sob, being honest with yourself, getting out of bed, and hopefully (eventually) asking for the help that you need. when the bad thoughts occur, acknowledge them, process them, but never for a second trick yourself into thinking they’re actually an option, okay? because they’re not, not when there’s so much left for you here, not when there’s so many others way to deal with this. please just stick around. your future self is going to thank you for it more than you can even begin to understand. i’m sending you so much love. i’m rooting for you with all of my fuckin heart. and if you ever need a friend, please just message me. don’t hurt yourself, just talk to me. we’ll figure it out together.

numbers you can call:

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #anon

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legion1993 · 6 years ago

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December 23rd

A/N: this is for the 12 days of christmas challenge brought to us by @thing-you-do-with-that-thing & @like-a-bag-of-potatoes... this also happens to be for JulesTheQuirky’s Winter Holiday Song Challenge brought to us by @julesthequirky.. hope you ladies enjoy them all.

pairing: Jensen x Reader

day 10: Christmas ball

prompt: last christmas by cascada

summery: its a surprise!!!!

12 days Masterlist

this is the story about how you were invited to a christmas ball but you just got your heart broken. but the hosts wanted you to sing a song, a christmas song but up until recently (2 weeks ago to be exact).

you had happily been dating Jensen Ackles one of the actors on the hit tv show Supernatural, but the littlest things would just bug you basically you made a list and sat down one day to discuss what the future looked like for the 2 of you.

but Jensen had the same idea, your ideas didnt match so he ended things. but it was apparent that you were heartbroken. considering you hadnt left your apartment in the last week.

by the time you received the invite for the ball you had found enough courage to face the music as it were. to come back into the world and face your fans, face your broken rhythm.

so you RSVP’d to the invite and started deciding what to wear as the ball was tomorrow, but you knew that this party was all the hottest and exclusive guests only. and every single year you were asked ever so nicely to perform but someone AKA Jensen was also always asked to perform.

you hoped this year that you would have a chance to express your true feelings. for it was 2 years ago tomorrow that you confessed your love for Jensen as a tradition. so you definitely knew what song you would sing.

you had picked a long flowy dress that brought out your natural curves and your nature about the season. but it also reminded you of Jensen, and this was okay cause for this event it worked.

tomorrow arrived quickly. the event wasnt due to start till 7pm but you had to be there an hour early to do a sound check and a couple other things. so you got ready and my oh my did you enjoy spining around in that dress for a few moments before throwing on your heels, packing your clutch and walking out to meet your car.

upon arriving at the party, you told your driver to be on the waiting list for your text of when your ready to be gotten as usual.

looking up at the building you had yet to breathe but you knew it would be ok for soon it would be time to get up on stage and address the people.

you went inside got fit for your personal mic and heard a voice from yonder speak.

Jensen: "dude i broke up with her why the hell would i want to sing with her.?."

Jared: "she is miserable plus i kinda have been messaging her."

jensen: "why the hell are you talking with her.. what happened to the bro code."

jared: "cause she needed someone to talk her through her 2 weeks of solitude.... i was there for her. just listen to her rehearsal dude."

Jared nods for jensen to turn his head they both watch and listen as you do your warm ups.

stage hand: "when your ready... sing something so we can calculate your vocal patterns."

you stood still not knowing if this would be heard by many people... but you sang straight from the heart, channeling all your hurt, all your pain into this one song...

Y/N: "well baby ive been here before, ive seen this room and ive walked this floor, i used to live alone before i knew ya. and ive seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victr'y march its a cold and its a broken hallelujah..."

but at that moment another voice joined in your breaking tones against the protests of his best friend. but the voice made you stop singing it made you tense up.

Jensen: "hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah..."

but you were so scared of what may come out of your mouth that in your dress withiut your shoes you ran off the stage, and into your dressing room.

~meanwhile jensen is getting talked to by jared who is just looking out for your well being.~

Jared: “Jay you shouldnt have done that, this is the first time in weeks that you guys have seen eachother and the first idea you have is to scare her by joining her in singing that song. do you have any idea how much emotion she expelled when she sang that part of the song.?.”

Jensen: “what the hell is going on so badly that she would confide in you and not me? why would she confide in you and not me? what arent you telling me?”

Jared: “ever wonder why she was acting a little different, why she always took her time getting ready. why she started having to go to the doctor so much. why she got so emotional the day you guys split."

Jensen had to think about this for he had not noticed anything like that, well he had he just didnt say anything.

Jensen: "well what is her reasoning... and it better explain everything."

Jared couldnt believe how clueless his best friend was being... he couldnt believe how stupid he was acting...

Jared: "shes pregnant dude."

Jensen: "what? what are you talking about?"

Jared couldnt take it anymore his best friend was gonna drive him nuts if he didnt tell him.

Jared: "she called me the day you guys broke up, she had a doctors appointment and didnt want to go alone so i went with her... i saw it myself its true... doc said she is about a month along. baby is definately yours jay."

Jensen was so shocked at this point... he couldnt believe it you were a month pregnant, with his baby...

Jensen: "well i guess that explains a few things but why wouldnt you tell me.."

Jared: "cause it wasnt my tale to tell... but seriously dude if you want her back dont scare her please."

~Jensen knew he had to get you back but it wasnt going to be easy... thats when the party started~

announcer: “welcome one and all.. tonight will be full of love, laughter, dancing and song. tonight is gonna be the night of all nights. lets kick it off with some cocktails and a song... so every one grab your cocktails and i will introduce our first singer in a moment.”

the announcer came up to you and smiled.

Announcer: “thank you for coming i heard what happened through the grapevine. are you sure you want to go up there and sing.”

Y/N: “i cant sit and be afraid of the world and their opinions anymore.”

Announcer: “ok would you mind going first?”

Y/N: “k but if it looks like im gonna freeze cut the music...”

Announcer: “ok i’ll go introduce you..”

the announcer walks out on the stage as the crowd comes back to the center of the room...

Announcer: “ok so she just had a horrible break up but she still came out tonight here to sing something that describes what she is feeling here is Y/N...”

you turned on your mic pack as you walked out on stage to the beat of the music. you knew that anything else would have made you scared but you gave your best smile...

Y/N: “Last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away... this year to save me from tears i’ll give it to someone special. Last Christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. this year to save me from tears i’ll give it to someone special...”

you were not sure if you would be able to do the rest of the song but you had to try.

Y/n: "once bitten and twice shy i keep my distance but you still catch my eye tell me baby do you recognize me well it's been a year and it doesn't surprise me. i wrapped it up and sent it with a note saying "I love you" i meant it now i know what a fool ive been but if you kissed me now i know you'd fool me again."

thats when Jensen came up on the stage view slowly. it startled you knowing how close he was but it didnt make you stop singing instead you turned to face him.

y/N: "last Christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away this year to save me from tears ill give it to someone special."

you froze before continuing but Jensen instead pipped in..

Jensen: "a face on a lover with fire in your heart but im undercover but ive torn you apart... i mever meant to hurt you, now i know what a fool i was but if i kissed you now would you marry me.?."

you were shocked and just stood there in a shocked state then the music cut... the crowd just as shocked as you but anxiously awaiting your answer..

you instead of answering broke down into tears falling on your knees in front of Jensen you sobbed, for you knew that he knew about the baby...

Y/N: "im sorry Jay i should have told you as soon as i found out but i was scared, i love you Jensen Ackles. i would be honored to become your wife."

#quirky'swinterholchallenge #kari and ida's 12 days of spn christmas

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thekaeb3412-blog · 4 years ago

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The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude .

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therealdiligent · 5 years ago

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Chapter 1: “Lost Ones”

There is no other way to say all this but to just do it in chapters cause like many of us it really feels like things have been just pouring down on us, blow after blow these days. There has been so much going on that I feel it will also be easier to end each story or use a “to be continue” when moving forward with sharing, as things did run into each other, piled on, and some are not done yet.

The end of 2019 and first few of months of 2020 have been rather bumpy to say the least.

I do want to let you know that it’s all seasons though, and as they come, they also go. And throughout it our faith has been tested and forged. But know that the light is always real and there- at the end of the tunnel and each chapter, and that light, if i’ve not made it clear with my living and sharing is........ Jesus.

Let’s call this first Chapter:

“Lost Ones”

November 2019 I go in to see my kidney doctor for a routine appointment to go over my blood pressure and kidney health. This is the doctor that over the past 2 years had been helping me with the effects of my bad management of my type one diabetes. Was assigned to him cause of some swelling in my feet and legs back in January 2017.

He had been mentioning dialysis from the beginning and for a while but during these almost 3 years, Harelyn and I had changed up our nutrition so much so that I was feeling better and the symptoms that brought us to Him in the first place weren’t there. So here we are thinking everything is gucci! And we were in one way reversing things.

See when we would come see Him he would share numbers concerning my kidney function and let me know that I had to do better but to me they where just numbers. Plus I was feeling 100% compared to when i first saw Him and not symptomatic. But this visit was different....

He shares: “Jeancarlo your creatinine level is at 4.0″, so my reaction to this info was pretty much the same, “Again with the numbers!”, but it didn't register until he used the words “ STAGE 4 KIDNEY FAILURE & END STAGE KIDNEY FAILURE.”

We finally arrived and were on the same page. The seriousness and weight of it all finally landed and hit home. It wasn’t that we were ignoring it, cause we were eating kidney friendly, low sodium meals, on top of our low carb diet to continue with my diabetes care.

See the damage was done, the past 5 years of great management did not hold up against 13 years of bad choices and bad management, this is what got the best of them.

“Lost Ones”

So here He comes again with the dialysis talk, and i'm like there’s gotta be something else doc, cause i am feeling fine and i am working with no issues, i was not at the symptomatic point of the need to go on dialysis. He went on as to why I should, I honestly was just getting lost in His words, blurred concepts, as His voice muffled and continued to fade i snapped and was like “Doc, WAIT! Is there nothing we can do to preemptively fix this!?” He pauses for a moment and then says, “Well, there is also a Kidney Transplant.” I thought to myself after and as i've shared this with people, like “MY GUY!!!! Why in the world would you not start with that instead of Dialysis!”

So, boom! Harelyn and I start doing our research, the Dr. sets up my appointments with the Transplant Team to get Hip and start into what this process looks like.

March is Kidney month and if you are not aware 1 in 3 Adults thats approx. 80 Million people are at risk of CKD (Chronic Kidney Disease). 93K people are on the Kidney transplant waiting list. It takes between 5-7 Years if you are waiting on the list and don’t have a living donor. Those stats are for a deceased kidney. A living kidney donor’s wait time is drastically shorter and is dependant on different variables, but we are talking months compared to years.

So we are in prayer and trusting for miracle in whichever way God chooses to bring this Organ cause the odds had stacked up against us once again.

We share the info with our parents and sibs and consider the risks and all the factors that come with a living donor and recipient scenario.

Its now January 2020 and some Living donors had stepped forward but no blood match had been found yet. Im still working and im feeling alright, until i start getting some back pain and swelling in my legs again.

I go in to the ER and get admitted as they consider my blood work, numbers, and options to treat. I am still trying to avoid dialysis like the plague, because i've seen the toll it takes on people and how withered away they seem after.

(See Chapter 1.5 “God Move” for details of those humbling crazy nights at the hospital)

After a few days in there and prayers we’ve come to the understanding that its best to start dialysis while not symptomatic rather than in an emergency situation. To start it I would need to go through a small procedure and get these ports put in near my neck for the dialysis treatments.

This is all temporary in our minds cause we have several living donors that are willing to gift us such an amazing gift, and some of them were pretty far ahead in their evaluation process. Also, we hadn’t gone public with the need either, so we had all these plans to start a campaign to extend the search for a Kidney. So we felt ok with starting, its been just over a month now since ive been on it. (but wait... keep reading)

So just so we are all caught up: Pause

November we Hit some critical numbers with the kidney failure and January we start the search for a living donor, and also are now considering starting dialysis temporarily given that we know for sure that there are Living Donors, and will potentially have more once we go public with things.

OK let’s continue: Play

Ports are installed for dialysis and i am getting prepped to go in to my first session. Leading up to this there have been so many conversations of faith, words of encouragement shared, tears shed, doubts crushed, sight refocused, and we were ready, I was ready.

The nurse finishes up connecting me to the most scary looking machine i've ever seen, she leans in and turns it on.

At this point all i see is my blood pumping and flowing down one tube, entering the machine and returning on the other tube back into me. I just closed my eyes and took a breath, remembered the peace that only God can provide and exhaled. Then this happened!:

5 MINUTES INTO MY FIRST SESSION

I look over to my left and there is my wife with this look on her face and she says to me:

WE FOUND A DONOR WHO IS A MATCH!

I dont think ill ever know how to express with words the flood of emotion that took over me and the feeling of gratitude in that moment.

It felt like a cheesy hallmark/lifetime movie. Super dramatic, but clutch. God was moving pieces around without us knowing and in a matter of months i found a donor. We still asked those who started the process to finish just in case, and if you are willing and would like to potentially join us in our health journey in this manner, we would love to talk and would be grateful as well.

Now things have gotten complicated because of this COVID19 business. Scheduling the transplant and any other procedures right now is tough. But we’re trusting and confident that all will work its way as we get closer.

We are floored and honored that God would use our family to show off His power, love, care, goodness, control, and best for us and all those that will know, hear, and read of our journey.

Stay tuned....

#medicine #kidney transplant #living donor #dialysis #temporary #faith #jesus #jesusisking

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