#asking if i'm getting worse or if this was just a period of higher anxiety

[healingemetjourney]

2/22/23

I had a good few days! Yesterday I worked, I had another lunch break where after I ate I put a blanket down and laid outside. It was a beautiful day. I love watching the clouds. A lady bug even joined me! I always take that as good luck and even a little hello from my angel baby, Willow. After I had my D&C, one night I asked for her to show me a sign that she was still around. Later on I found a lady bug in my house which never happens. I knew it was her. And right before I found out I was pregnant with Amber, there was a lady bug outside the bathroom window right as I was taking the test. Anyway. Yesterday at work I was restraining a cat in a room with the vet and the cat's family. They were talking a lot so I started to get that trapped feeling, like I can't escape and then I started to imagine myself puking. I reminded myself, this has happened multiple times now and I never got sick. I was fine each time. It's just my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. So I fought through it and I was fine. I got through the rest of my shift fine. On the way home to pick up my girls from my parent's house, I started to feel anxious. I knew I was likely just hungry and had a lot of air in my tummy and needed to burp. I reminded myself of this. The anxiety got worse because I also feel trapped when driving, even though I can pull over at any time. I tried to remind myself it's ONLY anxiety. I am not sick. And then it passed again! I didn't have to take any medications!! Which is huge. I think it's safe to say the higher dose of Celexa is starting to work! Which is such a relief. Earlier, I had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. But I know I didn't eat much at all today and I was hungry. So I ate a small dinner. My stomach hurt but I knew it was likely gas. I also have my period so that could be causing cramps. I didn't stress or panic at all!!! So amazing. I'm so glad.

Triggers: Feeling "trapped" while in exam rooms at work, feeling "trapped" while driving, intrusive thoughts picturing myself vomiting

[profoundbond-n-tfw]

Insomnia & Lack of sleep

Hey y'all as some of you may or may not have noticed by my random postings I tend to be all over the place with my hours I am on here. I don't actually use my queue...so when you see stuff come up from me on your feed it's me actually reblogging.

Well the reason I am writing this is because I have suffered from insomnia for about 20 years now (Yes I am over 30). I average around 3 to 4 hrs of sleep each night (so within 24hrs) and yeah while it sucks and I'm constantly tired & grumpy I'm pretty used to it.

This past week and a half (10 days) however has been absolute HELL!!!! I have stayed awake for over 72 hours before but that was usually my own doing. This past 10 days I have been averaging 1 to 2 hours sleep every 24hrs and not consecutively. I've been feeling the effects on my body and mind. My body feels like lead, my eyes are burning, my mouth feels like cotton mouth, I get migraine spikes, and even having minor hallucinations seeing things that aren't there out of the corner of my eye, or just out of focus. When I do sleep I am having weird nightmares. I zone out at work to the point where anyone can walk up to me and start talking and I will be scared shirtless like the jumped out at me from around a corner. My anxiety is spiking to fairly unmanageable levels and I know I shouldn't be driving because I have caught my eyes closing at red lights too often and my reaction and response time is slowed.

Well last night I got 2.5hrs sleep (the most I have gotten in 10 days) and no nightmares. I'm actually feeling pretty good today. Better than I have in almost 2 weeks.

I'm just wondering if my body is actually readjusting to get less sleep than I've been used to? I mean if I manage to sleep for 5 -7 hours I feel over tired like I over slept. If I actually sleep for something crazy like 8-12 hours it's usually because I'm very sick.

I know you're going to tell me to seek out a doctor and I may do that soon if I don't regulate back to my normal routine of 3-4hrs a night but I have sought out medical treatment before (it's been over 20 years of this) I have taken sleeping pills (& had seizures from them), also drowsy meds which I quickly built up a resistance to. I often resort to drinking just to be able to pass out for a few hours.

So if anyone out there has a medical background etc do you know if this is normal for insomnia cases? Getting only 1 or 2 hrs of sleep in 24hrs as I get older? Or maybe if I regulate back to 3-4hrs it may be just a result of a spike in my anxiety and depression?

[theloveinc]

this is v v random and you dont have to answer if you dont want to bc it IS personal, but i wanted to ask abt ur experience on wellbutrin? in terms of like, getting energy or feeling tired, sleepy? im worried about it making me sleepy/tired/brain fog (im 26 n BUSY as heck) again, dont have to answer at all, just asking bc i know youre quite open n honest on stuff so i thought id give it a shot and ask about your experience n like. ur pros & cons if thats okay. anyways thank u lub u legend bye <3

🥺Legend, of course u can ask!! I'm probably not the best choice, given I've only been on it since early June (and some people, much longer)... but honestly, in terms of brain fog and sleep... I have had almost literally NO issues and am all positive reviews here (...kinda).

One of the reasons I was prescribed it actually was for excessive sleepiness and brain fog (I get horrible, horrible brain fog normally and I have for years.)... and even though the results have been somewhat inconsistent since I've switched dosages like three times (and was off for a bit), literally it's helped SOOOOO much.

Obviously, people's reactions are going to be different, a moot (who I can tag but don't want to like... expose)(edit: @ace-of-books in the replies of this post!!!) on here told me Wellbutrin actually keeps her awake to the point where she needs mild sedatives to sleep... but I've honestly found I have no trouble actually going to sleep once I actually decide to (I like to use my phone in bed so I partially blame some sleep issues on that, but... you know) and waking up has gotten way, WAY easier.

(Also, with my new dosage, I take it twice a day and it's the NON-time release pills, and I've noticed that actually I haven't been as tired getting into bed usually... but someone told me this would go away once I fully adjusted AND I didn't have that problem on the time released capsules I took initially. Also it could just be that I've been taking a lot of naps at 8pm LMAOOO AND it doesn't actually bother me since the brain fog has been very reduced! *skips and jumps and claps feet together like a little leprechaun*🤩🤩🤩)

So yeah. More issues with... not being able to sleep than with being sleepy in the daytime. Thought when I was taking my more concentrated dose, if I had caffeine with it, things would get a little WoOoOooooOOOOooo funny🤡!!! at first.

As for cons... it's so funny because when I switched dosages the first time, I was like "omg these pills suck they stopped working after like, a month..." THAT WAS NOT TRUE LMAOOO. I HAD JUST GOTTEN USED TO THEM, and when I moved on to a higher dosage (150mg once a day to 150 TWICE a day🥶😨😱), I literally went insane (crying over mild inconveniences IN PUBLIC. I could think too hard and I would cry. Keep me awake over anxiety literally non-stop type insane).

And then, when I subsequently stopped taking them and it faded(?) from my system, it became very clear I actually was... worse off without them and I was extremely happy to go back on

I could always get used to it again, but right now I feel GREAT and literally kind of spring out of bed when I need to be up. No more lazing about waiting for my mind to work, it just does for the most part.

(Though I do get tired in the day because my schedule is awful, and also still crave sleeping a lot when I am in bed, it's just when I do wake + get up the adjustment period from sleepy time to being awake is almost... instant. So that, I would say, is fantastic).

ANYWHOOOO, this is kind of a long-winded answer that I answered sort of... backwards (talking about lack of sleep vs. excessive sleep), but... my experience has been so positive, even despite the dosage changes and the fact that it obviously hasn't cured my depression entirely. I just haven't had any issues with it making me tired at all, and it's FIXED my brainfog, which I guess is the answer to your question!

BUT, and I'm just gonna say this for legal reasons cuz I'm sure you already know, talk to your doctor/a medical professional first before making any decisions! Don't base taking it entirely off of ME because I also know people who experienced nothing positive on Wellbutrin at all. Not me, tho. But that can be common.

Thanks for reading this all (and being sooo sweet I lub you too + am kissing you), if you did! And no worries if you didn't, but good luck with whatever ends up happening!💕💕💕

[snowgoldwaylon]

Ring of Fire - Alex Mason X Reader

Mason saves you from an apartment fire. Are you happy? No. But, did you just meet a very attractive man? Yes.

TW: Strong language, fire, eventual fluff!

"Alex Mason! Meet me in my office please!' Is what Mason heard after a long, hard, and hot training.

Mason felt anxiety by the way his drill sergeant spoke to him like that. So, Mason hauled ass to the office, and stood professionally until the drill sergeant finally came in.

"Ma'am" Mason said with confidence, in attention.

"At ease Lieutenant. Now, take a seat. I have something to discuss with you." She said, sitting down and pulling a file out.

Mason took a seat, and watched her pull a thick, yellowish file from her desk. She opened it and layed out several pieces of paper in front of Mason so he could see everything. He took a closer look and saw something for the local fire department, a look of confusion clouded his face.

"Lieutenant Mason, you are being asked to take part in giving a hand to the Fair Banks Fire Department. Their chief has been layed off for a while due to a recent building fire, and they need men. And you just so happen to be the perfect candidate for helping out!" The drill sergeant said, pulling out a cigarette.

Mason was hesitant, he didn't know how to feel. He was afraid that he might fuck up and get someone hurt. Or worse, killed. But, he already worked in that part of the field. One mistake and it means death.

"Drill Sergeant Rivers, I don't have the proper training for this kind of thing. So why am I being picked?" He questioned.

She hit her cigarette and exhaled. She shot a glaring look back at him, while reaching for a pen nearby.

"Mason, they wouldn't just send you in with no training. They are offering on the job skills training and certification. You provide won't even be working there for very long anyways, they just need help until the Chief comes back. So that means, you'll be chief Alex Mason for a whole three months!" Rivers spoke, ashing her cigarette.

Rivers slid him a pen, and gave a devious smile. She pointed to the words on the contract as she spoke.

"We'll still be paying what you make here hourly, and they will also pay you for the position. You'll receive a work vehicle, and housing options if you are interested. But, if you will, please sign here, and here. And then finally, date this at the bottom."

Mason sighed, and grabbed the pen.

"I really hope this isn't a stupid idea, Drill Sergeant Rivers. I'll still have my position here in the Marines, right?" Mason asked.

"Of course, Lieutenant. You are the best of the best. Besides, I don't think Frank would last very long without you." She said with a chuckle.

Mason signed the papers, and slid them back over to Rivers. She quickly and carefully tucked them away safely into the left pocket of the folder, and set it off to the side.

"Thank you, Mason. The Fire Department is going to welcome you with open arms, and everyone is going to greatly appreciate what you are doing. Now, why don't you get on out of here and head over to the Fire Department. The director is anticipating your arrival at 0700 hours. You are dismissed."

Mason stood up, and quickly saluted Rivers. He turned on his heel, and gathered his things. Woods come up to him and patted his back. Mason looked back at Frank.

"Man, what was that about? Sounded like you were in some hot ass water. Did she find out about last weeks breakout?" Woods asked with a smirk.

Mason slapped him, and told him to stay quiet. Mason rolled his eyes, and started walking. Woods followed close.

"No, she didn't. I actually have gotten assigned to something new all together, but just for 6 months. So it looks like you'll be a lone wolf until I get back." Mason said.

"Wait, where in the fuck are you going? And when the hell are you comin' back??" Frank asked as they stepped into the elevator.

Mason clicked up, and the doors shut. It took them up to ground parking.

"I'm filling in for a Fire Chief for a while, I got personally hand picked for the job is what I got told."

"Well brother, you can't argue with that. We are still gonna have boys night on Friday's, right?" Frank asked, before getting out at where the elevator stopped.

Mason laughed, and nodded.

"Of course man, as always. Bring a 30 pack this time!" He shouted to Frank as the door closed.

"My ass!" Frank called out.

Mason patiently waited as it took him up. The elevator dinged, and the doors opened. He walked to his pickup truck and got in. He slammed his door shut and laid his head back onto his seat.

'I hope I don't fuck up.' Was all he repeated to himself.

Months later......

Mason was heading to his office with a newly made friend, Dixon. Dixon was a higher up who worked with everyone, so he frequented Mason. They had coffee in hand, and were ready for safety reports.

"Oh shit, Dix. Do you remember any information on the structure at the controlled burn on the corner of Euclid and Odin we did? I need details for my JHA but I can't recall shit for some fucked reason." Mason asked as they both sat down.

"I can tell you that it had 5 stories, and over 50 apartments in it. Oh, it stood next to Crane Run Bakery. The ignition was faulty wiring, right?" Dixon responded.

"No, it was a gas line pipe. The faulty wiring happened at that bowling alley on Curtis Avenue. But thank you, hopefully I can get this JHA filled out how I should!" Mason said.

Dixon went on with Mason for about 30 minutes about baseball and football. Mason filled out his paperwork, ordered new parts for gear and trucks, and inspected everything with a fine tooth comb. It was a normal night shift for the fire crew, until the alarm system began to wail.

"We have a structure fire on Linden Ave, at 26435 Linden. Possible civilians trapped." Dispatch called through the speakers.

Within minutes, the whole shift was suited up and already in the truck and headed Northbound. Mason was behind the wheel, lights and sirens at full blast. The roads were dead at this time, minus the few cars that happened to be out at 2 AM.

"Dispatch, tell me what we're looking at. I have another truck enroute to said location, and about three ambulances. How high are flames?" Mason asked, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Dispatch here, we have flames about 20 feet up and rising. Recommend you get here quick."

"10-4." Mason responded.

They reached the fire within minutes. When they pulled up the fire was quickly engulfing anything in it's way. Mason knew what needed to be done. But right now, they needed a buidling sweep for any possible trapped people.

"Dixon, set up a crew to stay on hoses, bring about four out and hookup. My team, your with me! We are going in!" Mason said.

Mason put on his face gear, and quickly looked around for a way in. He spotted a perfect way in through a safe looking way. He quickly pointed his team that direction, and headed in. He always made sure to go ahead of his crew so he could determine what was happening.

He got in, midst the hot heat, heavy flames, and the small mist screen of water he'd feel periodically. He lead the way, and began to check every corner and possible place to hide he could. They swept the buidling for a grand total of 30 minutes before Mason determined it was clear.

"Head back everyone. Everything is clear, no indication of anyone." Mason said through the radio.

Everyone headed outside, Mason being left so he could check more. By now, the flames were out. The only thing left was smoking ruble and hot ashes. Mason carefully looked around, and looked even closer at a piece of burnt wood that was beginning to move.

Without thinking, he pulled it back, and revealed a small door that had shut, but by either luck or circumstance, hadn't been burned. Mason soon heard pounding on the metal door, and he went to open it. But it was behind blocked by something.

He struggled to open it completely, the pounding was now more frequent. He pulled with all his might, but it wouldn't budge. He could hear the sounds of a female crying, and begging for the door to be opened. Mason's adrenaline kicked in at this moment.

"I found a live one! Bring in a large ax for me, this damn for isn't opening!" Mason shouted into the radio.

"Miss, I'm going to need you to step away as far as you can from the door! We are going to cut it open! Shield your face until I get you!" Mason yelled.

He took out his small ax, and began to chop away at the hinges. But, the small ax could stand no chance against the hard metal. Instead, he quickly turned and saw Dixon with the industrial ax. He took it, and with brute strength, he swung done with control and accuracy.

The hinges slowly began to break away, until finally the door popped right off. Mason gave the ax back, and quickly threw the door off. He looked back down inside, and saw a girl about his age, coughing her lungs out. He wasted no time, and held his hand out.

She took it, and Mason lifted her out. He quickly adjusted her so she'd be against his back, to where he kept a good grip on her and carried her out. She was covered in black ash and soot, and was damp with water and sweat from the heat.

Once they were out, Mason quickly sat the girl on the gurney and took his respirator off. He secured it around her face, and up to her mouth and nose. The fresh oxygen would help her with breathing, seeing as if her lungs just went through extreme stress.

"Are you alright? Is there anybody else down in that basement?" Mason asked once her breathing returned to normal.

She looked at him, and slipped the mask off.

"No, it was just me. I was just trying to do my laundry for work, and that's when the door slammed shut and I couldn't get out....."

Mason felt a pang in his heart for this beautiful lady.

"Well, you are alright now. We are going to have EMS check you out, and ride you to the hospital to run standard tests." Mason said, giving a smile.

He took his respirator back and turned on his heels. He walked away to regroup with his crew, and Dixon. They cleaned up best they could, and headed back to the station for a shower and change of clothes.

Months After....

Mason sat in the town sqaure, drinking a coffee in his uniform. He was sat on one of the square benches, reading the paper as he waited on Woods. It was Friday, they were going to play poker after a long, exhausting week.

"Excuse me, sir? May I sit with you?" A voice said.

Mason looked up from his paper, and confusion hit him. A familiar looking face flooded his view, but he just couldn't place it. Her face had small bandaids, and a few purple bruises.

"Well, of course. Do I know you?" He questioned.

She sat down, only then did Mason notice the green box in her beat up hands.

"My name is Y/N Y/L/N, you actually saved my life in a fire on Linden street, I talked to a man named Dixon at the fire house to where I could find you.....I have something for you here." She said, handing it to him.

"No Miss, I can't take that. I was just doing my job, I don't need a reward. Seeing you alive and breathing is reward enough." Mason said.

She pushed the small box towards him. The smile on her face was warm, and made Mason feel butterflies.

"Please, I insist." Was all she said.

Mason took the box and opened the lid. Inside was a beautifully made chocolate cake, all kinds of different snacks, and a check of $15,000 dollars.

"Miss, no, I can't. This is way too much money, I will not take it." Mason said, putting it back.

"Please sir, I don't mind. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. It would mean so much to me. If anything, please donate it to your firehouse." Y/N said.

"I will do just that then. We've been needing new parts for months...."

Mason looked back up at Y/N, and smiled.

"I'm Alex Mason by the way, I'm glad to see you are recovering well. Maybe I could take you to dinner sometimes?" He asked slyly.

You chuckled, and nodded.

"Of course, I'd love that.

Taglist: @smokeywhalee @kapanovangswife @americas-monster @wennbergbabe @direwolfspostsrandomshit @kazazure @draw-with-eri @scumbagg @silomotism

[jerzwriter]

🌹⛈

🌼

🎭

Hi Nonny, Thank you! From this OTP Ask List 🌹⛈ Who has the most nightmares and how do they deal with them?

Tobias & Casey:

Casey. She has an anxiety disorder stemming from when her Mom became very ill when she was a child. After the chemical attack, it became much worse. As her recovery continued, the nightmares subsided, but they still happen sporadically. They almost never go away completely after such things. They were worst right after the attack, and T&C weren't even a couple at the time, though he was very invested in helping her as a friend. (I have a fic planned about this.)

Tobias does have a brief period of time with nightmares after the birth of their third daughter. Casey nearly died giving birth, and in the uncertain times that followed, Tobias went through hell. Most of the nightmares were before she came home, once she was back at his side he slept much easier; but he continued to have them on occasion. They weren't always severe enough to wake Casey up, and he preferred that, but if she woke up she'd hold him, rub his back and reassure him.

Ethan & Casey:

Casey has more and for the same reasons above. I HC that she spends at least some time with Ethan after the attack, so he was there for many of them. I believe that they horrified him. He was dealing with his own PTSD after nearly having her die in his arms, but he would remain strong to be a comfort and calm her down. But I imagine that after she fell asleep, sometimes he'd get up and call Alan or Naveen to help talk him down. I don't believe they happen too frequently in the years to follow, but they do happen sporadically during times of extreme stress.

🌼 How do their personalities compliment each other.

Tobias & Casey:

I think Casey & Tobias are incredibly well suited for one another. They have similar personalities and interests; they're both sunny and grab life with gusto, they're the life of the party. But, in her life, Casey maintained a higher moral barometer than Tobias. In canon, Tobias was moving toward being a better person, and that is in my HC as well, and he looks to Casey as an example. With Casey, as sunny as she can be, she can let work and life overwhelm her at times and take things too seriously, Tobias brings her down from that ledge and reminds her to never take any of it too seriously.

Ethan & Casey:

I view them more as opposites who balance one another. Ethan is far too serious and needs someone to remind him that there is more to life than work, medical journals, and brooding over a glass of scotch. Casey is there for that. She helps bring him to the center, makes him see it's OK to have fun, unwind. I think that Ethan's contributions to Casey are more of a professional nature.

🎭 Who is the dramatic one?

This is a great question because in some way or another, I think they are all drama queens, yet they are all not as well.

Tobias & Casey:

I'd have to say it's Casey. She's not really a drama queen, not to say, Vivian levels. But compared to the two, it's her. For example, when she finds out she's pregnant, she loses her mind and thinks of every single thing that could go wrong. Tobias is stunned at first, and within ten minutes, he's grinning from ear to ear and convincing her that everything is going to be just fine, and five minutes later, she believes him.

Ethan x Casey:

On one hand, I want to say, Casey, because she is definitely more dramatic, but, Ethan is such a drama queen, even though he appears aloof. In fact, I'm going to give the edge to Ethan. He is the dramatic one in this relationship. I said what I said. lol

Thank you for the ask. : )

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie

[furance]

friendly anon here (hello!): tbh I HAVE had more anxiety as a result of ADHD medication. I'm autistic with a secondary ADHD diagnosis and it was 0 fun for the first couple days. That said, wellbutrin I hear is decent for ADHD and associated depression/anxiety, so maybe ask about that the next time you go IF your anxiety meds don't work. ALSO, track your sleep and food over the next few weeks. These things are all important regarding anxiety meds!! (1-2)

(pt 2): TRACK YO SHIT because the next time you go in they'll want to know how the meds are working. If you feel weird but can't put your finger on it, tell them. If your sleep or eating is altered, tell them (those are early triggers). In RARE cases, anxiety meds can make somebody worse instead so just keep an eye out. You're probably not one of those, but if you are it's really good to catch that shit early. Good luck on your journey!

(pt 3.... okay I lied) There's also studies showing that ADHD girls specifically have much higher rates of anxiety and depression AS A RESULT OF THE ADHD. Aka having anxiety ABOUT not being able to focus, not being productive, being seen as less good at school/adult things, etc. In those cases, it is best to medicate the ADHD because the anxiety is secondary! But yes, most ADHD medications are stimulants and if you have general anxiety it will need an adjustment period

one of my friends also suggested wellbutrin so def gonna keep that in mind if this doesn’t seem to be helping nodnodnodnod and thats a good idea I didn’t think abt keeping track of stuff thank u :0

and I think that’s my fear?? like obvs these are things that I’d be able to talk about when I go for my follow up (..........which I need to schedule) but I know that a lot of me being hard on myself is like. feeling like I’m not being productive enough and I end up spiraling into the ‘ur never gonna be anything u cant even do this one thing ur a failure die’ land so like................ I think I was definitely hoping that getting the adhd symptoms under control would also help w my depression? but we’ll see I guess!! idk I’m going to pick up my meds soon and I’m very excited to start them tomorrow and see what happens!!!

I like u adhdnon I hope ur having a good day. u may be an internet stranger......... presumably.......... but not really having ppl to talk to about this irl has been really hard n weird so I appreciate u

[themidwifeisin]

Can mental illness get worse during pregnancy? I'm 8 weeks pregnant and my anxiety has never been worse and I can't seem to shake it no matter what and it only feels like it keeps getting worse the farther along I get.

YES, pregnancy can definitely make anxiety and all kinds of mental illnesses worse.  Yes yes yes.

From a poll done by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America in 2009:

52% percent of people who have been pregnant reported increased anxiety or depression while pregnant.

32% reported a decrease in symptoms.

16% experienced no change.

And here’s the truth about medication for anxiety or depression during pregnancy:  There are some medications that carry increased risk to the fetus, and some that carry no increased risk.  Even for those that do increase risk, however, the overall risk remains impressively small. (read more)

When you have an illness, be it anxiety or lupus, you enter pregnancy with a higher level of risk to begin with.  That’s a fact.  Many people think that if they come off their meds and just SUFFER for 10 months it’ll be best for the baby, but that’s NOT TRUE.  Mental illness causes its own problems during pregnancy, and permanently affects the baby’s brain & development.  

So if you hold the risks of being mentally ill during pregnancy in one hand and the risks of taking medications in the other hand, you can either argue that there’s no difference at all, or that there may even be less risk in the medicated side.  If you’re bringing risk into a pregnancy, I at least want you to be mentally well enough to do other things in your pregnancy that decrease risk - exercise, good nutrition, socialization, etc.

So please please please please if you are feeling unwell in any way, talk to your healthcare provider about it.  Ask for a referral to a psychiatrist that SPECIALIZES in the perinatal period.  FIND SOMEONE NEW.

Many Obstetricians and other pregnancy providers just don’t know enough about it, and they may tell you to get off your medications or tell you they won’t prescribe them - FINE.  Go get your medications from someone who knows what they’re doing!  Don’t be discouraged!

Tricks for anxiety during pregnancy (not meant to replace professional help/medication):

Natural Calm is an amazing magnesium supplement that you mix into water and drink before bed.  It can really slow down that anxiety though cycle that prevents sleep. It also keeps your bowel movements regular (nice for pregnancy) and decrease the leg cramps & other aches and pains common to pregnancy.

Acupuncture is HUGE.  It is so good at calming down your adrenals & giving you a little quite rest time - I love it.  Totally safe during pregnancy. (Acupuncture treats chronic stress); (Acupuncture improves insomnia in ppl with MDD); (Acupuncture decreases stress hormones); (Acupuncture regulates the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis); (Acupuncture decreases cortisol (stress hormone) during unpredictable mild chronic stress)

Warm baths with lavender essential oil, or lavender sachets/pillows to sleep with.

Passionflower tincture is safe in pregnancy and is a gentle anxiety soother.  Talk to your provider before taking any medications (herbal or pharmaceutical).

[privilege-archives]

EMMETT CLARINGTON ➝ FOURTH SIBLING

I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN

❖ FULL NAME: Emmett Alexander Clarington. ❖ PRONOUNS: He/Him. ❖ AGE: 21. (July 21st). ❖ BIRTH ORDER: Fourth. Twin to Third Clarington. ❖ GRADE: Sophomore. ❖ MAJOR: Music, specifically in Cello Performance, with a double minor in Piano and French Horn Performance. ❖ SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Demisexual. ❖ ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Panromantic. ❖ FACECLAIM: Nolan Gerard Funk,

I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME

(TW: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE)

Despite the number of zero’s that reside in the bank account of his trust fund, Emmett Clarington is certainly not the type of person who you would imagine as a young man of privilege, wealth, and status. His own shortcomings are the result of an imbalance of chemicals in his brain that were of no one’s fault but arguably, his own. Emmett was born as a triplet to Evelyn Clarington via an extra-marital affair. For whatever reason, while his siblings were exploring their numerous and extraordinary talents and military prowess, Emmett never seemed to be able to leave his bed. His parents were frequently worried about him and his mental stamina, because he never was very social, active, or eager to do much. It wasn’t until Emmett attended a concert of his mother’s at age five that his true calling was born.

From there, something alive struck Emmett, and as he watched the spectacle before him, a new dream burst into his tiny mind. There, alongside his mother was a beautiful series of instruments, and Emmett wanted to do that, too. He wanted to make all of those beautiful sounds, but he didn’t know how. His infatuation festered on the violin, and he would walk around the house pretending to saw on one. His mother immediately noticed Emmett’s interest in the instrument, and had him enrolled in lessons the very next day. Emmett never got along with his father, as he always paled in comparison to Hunter and was the least athletic child– a failure of a son. His mother was the only person who understood his love and obsession with music, to the point of taking him backstage to concerts and allowing him to play for her onstage every so often. Even though Emmett’s nature was skittish, he never seemed fazed– as long as he had an instrument in front of him, his life was in check.

What was considered to be a childhood obsession and hobby quickly manifested itself into a lifelong pursuit. Music became Emmett’s one true escape from the world around him, in which he was finally free to let go of his own head and figure out what exactly it was that he was meant to do with his life. He threw himself into lessons of every kind imaginable: piano, cello, french horn, and violin. By far, his favorite became the cello. He didn’t study, he didn’t play any sports, he didn’t have any friends aside from his siblings, the daughter of his music teacher, and his instruments. He didn’t like reading and he absolutely deplored math. He struggled in school and was put in numerous programs at school to try and help him get better grades in his main subject areas. It was a lonely existence, sure, and despite how he struggled in school, Emmett became completely invisible to all, except those involved in the music program.

Emmett’s entire world came crashing down for the worse when, at the age of twelve, he was informed that his mother had died. There was no consoling Emmett– the boy had never been good with emotions to begin with, but losing Evelyn had turned his personality for the worse. Although he was only a child, he was immediately sent to an intensive therapy, and even lived with his grandparents for a year. Once he hit middle school, Emmett’s awkwardness and social isolation began to manifest themselves in signs of clinical depression, a stutter, and a generalized anxiety disorder. Emmett was quickly put into music therapy and other treatments. He takes regular medication for his problems and while he’s been doing much better for himself, he seems to always be nervous, fidgety, and unable to sit still. Despite the calm, chilled demeanor that Emmett exhibits for the world to see, his mind is a torrential downpour and his heart is never secured to anything other than music. Emmett’s panic attacks are frequent even despite the medication he’s on, and every once in a while he’ll decide to go off his medicine just to try and feel anything other than numb.

In an attempt to ignore his sheer loneliness and need to make something more of himself, Emmett found solace in serving as orchestra member and pit band player for the school musicals, marching band, and other events in high school. He played wherever he could, and when he wasn’t playing, he was practicing. There was never any reason for Emmett to make friends, as he made minimal social interaction throughout all of high school with those who were also involved in music. He had a plan, and that was that. He was going to get into Juilliard with flying colors, nail his audition, and be the first chair cellist for the New York Philharmonic. That was his dream, it was everything he’d been working for, and everybody said he was a shoo-in.

So you might imagine his surprise on the day that his rejection letter came in the mail, from not just Juilliard, but every other school he applied to. He’d been accepted into a community college nearby, and despite how his musicality was beyond compare, his school grades were simply too low to be admitted into a school of higher education. Devastated, without any hope for his future and unsure of what to do, Emmett made an attempt on his own life as a result of being rejected from these colleges, and was put into a mental rehabilitation hospital at the age of eighteen. From there, he began to heal. He went through tremendous behavioral and psychotherapy, learned how to control his thoughts and get a decent handle on his emotions. His own devastation became second to the fact that he wanted to make something better of himself, and be a person that he and his father could be proud of. Living in the shadow of his siblings had always taken a toll on him, and he no longer wished to be a burden on anyone, including himself.

Of course, the media had a field day with him, and despite how the Clarington family tried to shield him from the brunt of it, Emmett had become something of a child star, playing at all parties and events his parents paraded him to. The news that Emmett Clarington had not made it into Julliard, and was “taking some time to himself” hit all of the gossip rags, and Emmett did not have the mental stamina in order to handle it. He was exploited for his time in the hospital, considered a disgrace to his family, and the ultimate disappointment to his father. He went off the grid for a year, didn’t touch his instruments for six months, and focused mainly on himself. It was the worst and lowest period he’d ever had, but he got through it.

Emmett emerged from the rehabilitation center a year later perfectly willing to try again. He had so much more life to life, and Emmett would be damned if he didn’t at least try. After multiple rounds of auditions, a lot more rejections, and a lot of medication, Emmett finally was accepted into Pacific State alongside his siblings. Happiness is something fleeting for him, but Emmett is now well-adjusted and doing much better than he was previously. He’s excelling in all of his classes for the first time in his life, because he’s only taking things related to music. Even though he’s a poor student and still has his stutter from childhood, Emmett is finally feeling as if he can succeed, as he is nothing short of a force to be reckoned with within the music department, and right now, that’s all he can ask for.

BABY, THERE'S NO OTHER SUPERSTAR

Admittedly, Emmett isn’t much to look at. He hides himself behind a collection of loose-fitting plaid shirts and pullover sweaters. His jeans are usually worn-looking and he always has on a pair of beat-up converse when not in performance attire. Emmett wears thick, wide-rimmed glasses that he’s practically blind without. Physically, he doesn’t present himself as anything, as he’s much less physically fit than his brother. His posture is always very poor and he tends to keep his eyes on the ground when he walks.

YOU KNOW THAT I'LL BE YOUR PAPARAZZI

From a military background himself, Grayson Clarington was originally a military lawyer, though after his discharge, became a corporate lawyer to the stars. His late wife, Evelyn, before her passing, was a big name in the music industry. She could be likened to a more modern day Celine Dion, with global number one hits, tours and recognition.

[psi-psina]

Hi. :) You don't know be but I've been following you for a little while now and since I saw your posts talking about Graves Disease I wanted to ask you about it. I'm a 19 yr old girl, and I was diagnosed with it a few months ago and started on PTU. I wanted to ask, what was your experience with doctors and medication like? You had to have your thyroid removed? I feel worried about how this is supposed to be managed long-term because my doctors can be quite dismissive. If you don't mind. :)

OH MY GOD

DEAR ANON PLEASE HEED THE FOLLOWING LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES

So this is my experience and for the LOVE OF GOD don’t let this happen to you.

I was diagnosed with graves disease at the age of 14, showing symptoms of fatigue, tremors in my hands, exophthalmos and a slight goitre. I was tested for sleep apnea before i was diagnosed. Once diagnosed, my mother took me to a naturopath rather than an endocrinologist (i was a child, i had no control over the situation PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING THIS STUPID) 😩. It didn’t go well. I was given a tincture of iodine and various herbs (including licorice :/), which i had to take for about 3 months. it did nothing for me and my symptoms steadily got worse until my mother had to take me back to the doctor. My blood work showed a significant worsening of my condition; my T3 & T4 were both far higher than they had been before.

I was put on Neo-Mercazole which I remained on periodically over the next 9 years. You cannot remain on thyroid suppressants indefinitely due to their nature and bastard side effects (expelling giant blood clots through your nose? horrific), which got gradually worse the longer I had to take them. I don’t know how your doctors are managing your PTU but be vigilant. You NEED to aim at getting in remission. I was monitored closely while taking NM over that first course, and then as my hormone levels returned to normal I was weened off it. I was okay for 2 years, and then relapsed when I was 17. I was put back on NM and monitored until my levels returned to “normal”, then I relapsed again when I was 20.

after this I remained on NM pretty much for the following 3 years, but it’s effectiveness started to wane and many of the diffuse symptoms (especially anxiety, palpitations, insomnia, tremors, goitre, exophthalmos etc) simply weren’t going away even when my blood work showed I was within a supposedly normal hormonal range, and I just slowly went downhill over those 3 years.

this is huge problem with regulating thyroid disorders like this, your hormones are measured only in your blood work but T3 and T4 are heavily protein-bound hormones, meaning it’s presence in your blood IS NOT always consistent with it’s presence in your other tissues, where it is able to accumulate (not indefinitely without detection, but enough to give you symptoms). Suppressants just didn’t work for me long-term. They couldn’t help my thyroid regulate my metabolism over an extended period of time, the thyroxine in my body just kept accumulating. Basically, the moment I relapsed when I was 17, I was fucked. I was not aware of this at the time, obviously. At the time I had absolutely no idea what was going on.

the events at the end of my Final Relapse that led up to my surgery were serendipitous and bizarre. I was travelling to Japan in the October (2013) for a few weeks (which i flat out should not have been doing lmao) and got an appointment with my doc because i needed to fill another script for NM before I left, because i was about to run out. So i went and got the script and then when I went to fill it at the pharmacy, I couldn’t get the NM. There was an international shortage of Neo-Mercazole and I was flying out of the country the literal next day and I couldn’t get any ANYWHERE. PTU was still available but I couldn’t get that with a script for NM either. So I had no medication for most of those three weeks.

When I got home I booked another appointment as soon as I could get one and went back to work. Got another blood test to see what was going on and finally got some PTU. A couple of days later I came down with a cold. My immune system was shot and I was struggling to do things like get out of bed and walk up stairs at this point so I called in sick to work on the monday because felt so ill, and made another doc appt for that afternoon because i needed a medical certificate.

I went in to the doctor expecting to walk out with a med certificate, and asked her about my bloodwork. She opened the bloodwork and looked at it, looked at me, then took my temperature and pulse and immediately called my endocrinologist. My T3 and T4 levels were so high they were not measurable, i was feverish and hazy and my resting heart rate was 160-170 bpm. She told me I needed to go straight to emergency because I was at risk of thyroid storm (at which point I just burst into tears lol) and she called ahead to the hospital to have me admitted immediately, and that was that. I was taken to the hospital and was monitored there for 4 days and given several medications to try to flush some of the excess thyroxine from my body to make it safe enough for them to cut my thyroid out, which happened four weeks later.

So aside from the more diffuse symptoms of anxiety, depression, insomnia, full body tremors, exhaustion, goitre and exophthalmos, I was admitted in emergency with acute symptoms like fever, tachycardia, chest pain, hypertension, muscle weakness, bloody diarrhea, peripheral edema and fuck knows what else. :/ None of these things really abated over the weeks leading up to the surgery, and I honestly can’t describe what it was like to wake up from it almost asymptomatic after dealing with these things for months and years. It was like waking up in a completely different body.

If you’re wondering how I could have let things get that bad, how i didn’t realise just how serious it was, you need to understand. You need to understand how gradually all of this happens, it built up over a period of years, and when you live with a chronic illness for that long you literally just get used to feeling like shit, so if something else shitty starts happening you’re already so tired it hardly even registers. It doesn’t strike you as particularly abnormal because it all becomes normal. That’s the most dangerous thing about it. Not to mention, the sicker you get with Graves, the less capable you are of assessing your own situation; the anxiety and exhaustion and insomnia and horrible hazy brain fog you’re in every single day make it completely impossible to think clearly.

SO THE MORAL OF THIS IS, for the love of God, be careful, and take it seriously. It is extremely serious. I did not take it seriously enough for years because I was young, active and otherwise healthy which gave me a threshold for tolerating it that was far too high. Don’t dismiss your symptoms, don’t let your doctors dismiss your symptoms, ESPECIALLY the mental symptoms. Be aware of all possible and potential symptoms so you can actually recognise them for what they are, along with all the potential side effects of PTU. 

Get blood work done EVERY THREE MONTHS. THREE MONTHS, not six, not twelve, every three months. Other thyroid disorders, you might be able to be a bit more chill about, graves you fucking cannot. You cannot.

Read and get as much information about this as you can. Heed how your diet is going to effect this, because like any endocrine disorder, it will.

Elaine Moore is useful. (Read the forums) This is useful. Reading patient forums about people’s experience with it and how they manage it is invaluable, it’s far better than reading blogs that are usually dogmatic and trying to sell you stuff. patient.info is also a good resource for information.

Make sure you have a good GP and ESPECIALLY a good endocrinologist who works WITH you. Most endo’s DO NOT specialise in thyroid disorders, most of them specialise in diabetes and only have a middling knowledge of thyroid issues. It’s absolutely crucial to find an endo who specialises in thyroid disorders. Find one, if you can. Otherwise just crowd source the information yourself, print it and take it to your doctors yourself. Because honestly, the cost of not doing that is just....not worth it.

This isn’t supposed to scare you or anything, it’s a god damn burden but there are plenty of people with Graves who achieve remission or find ways to manage it over long periods of time, it’s a highly individual disease. So I really hope you are able to do that. :) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. 

[tcportfoliomgj]

Saturday, 5th of June, 2021

"What demon possessed me that I behaved so well? - Henry David Thoreau (1854/2017)

In high school, I wasn't exactly a great student. Or easy, for that matter. Even in primary school, my teacher would call my parents after the first period. During parent-teacher conferences, they would schedule my mom in the last slot, that way they had enough time. I didn't have my diagnosis back then and I was smart enough to keep up without too much trouble. But I did talk back to teachers, especially when I felt they were being unjust. This only got worse in high school.

Before I got my ADHD diagnosis, my high school teachers thought I had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I can't blame them, though, especially looking back now. I was very argumentative, I still am, but I'm not always like that. When I felt like things were unfair, I wasn't able to let that go. I had a lot of very authoritarian teachers, who put themselves way above their students. Having authority is one thing, but that doesn't make you more of a person, or a better person, or a more important person. I didn't do well with those kinds of teachers, especially when they also taught a subject that I strongly disliked.

In high school I had a mathematics teacher, let's call him Mr E., who I didn't get along with very well. I never liked math. I wasn't particularly bad at it, but during the first few years of high school I didn't keep up with it very well, so I was behind compared to most students. Mr E. was the kind of teacher that would say things were easy, while I was really struggling with them. We didn't like each other much, and it kept getting worse over the years. It got to the point where he wasn't willing to help me anymore, and I wasn't willing to work anymore. I remember I once missed a class because I was sick and when I asked him to explain something I missed, he said no. He told me to look it up on YouTube and to deal with it myself. I also remember a time where I wasn't willing to do anything, we got into a big argument in front of the whole class and he sent me away. I packed my back, told the class "good luck in here in hell" on my way out and slammed the door shut.

Now, at teachers college, I often joke that I wasn't an exemplary student, but I don't think people realise how difficult I actually was. In my defence, there are still quite some cases I think I was right. I also don't regret standing up for myself against unfair teachers, I just didn't always go about it the right way. There were a lot of incidents in my high school days. I got sent out of class a lot, got a lot of detention and made quite a few enemies. But I wasn't a lost cause, even if Mr E. thought I was. I managed to pass my math exams, even though I stopped attending my math classes during my last year in high school. I was willing to work for teachers who did try their best for me. I loved English, history and art, and the teachers that taught me were very willing to help me, support me and encourage me. They challenged me and engaged me, and so I was very much willing to put in the effort and go the extra mile for them. I felt seen by them and that's all I really wanted, especially during those years in my life.

Mr E. wasn't the only teacher I had a rocky relationship with. My economics teacher, Mr B., didn't exactly get along with me either. He often got angry with me in front of the whole class when I forgot my books and notebooks. This happened a lot. I felt very humiliated, but I turned that into anger and frustration. He knew about my diagnosis and when I tried to explain to him that I really tried not to forget my things, he told me he understood but that I shouldn't forget them anymore. It infuriated me. I didn't feel understood, or seen or acknowledged. As an angsty teen who was dealing with depression on top of her ADHD, it was really hard.

I think almost everyone knows that I struggled with math this year as well and I will admit, I was part of the problem. However, I didn't plan on things turning out like this. As I mentioned before, I struggle with mathematics because there's a lot of gaps in my knowledge. The math classes here at TC and the PABO is mostly about teaching math and not so much about the math itself. It makes it interesting, but also difficult. Because how do you teach a subject you don't fully understand? Or maybe even barely understand? Janneke and Danny would talk about some math exercises for primary schoolers and I would struggle with them. They would say something along the lines of "they're being taught this in group 5" or "it's pretty easy", and in those moments I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. Because I didn't understand, because I struggled, because I felt really stupid. I didn't ask for help, that's definitely my fault, but I also didn't feel very encouraged to ask for help. Lots of students asked questions by sending them emails, and it often happened that Janneke and Danny didn't respond. I was frustrated, but I did try, even though everyone thinks I didn't.

I was at almost every lecture, which is the bare minimum, I know, but something that was actually very hard for me considering being there made me feel quite insecure. I tried to do the assignments. One of the first big assignments was the one where we had to give our own students some math questions without explaining anything to them. Afterwards, we'd have to analyse them. Giving the questions to my students wasn't hard and I didn't mind doing it, seeing some of their answers was really interesting and fun even (appendix 5). When I had to analyse them, however, I began to struggle. I don't hate math, but what frustrates me is that the class isn't very accessible. If you struggle with mathematics, the class will be really challenging.

One of the basic human needs is autonomy (Ryan & Deci, 2002, in Stevens & Bors, 2013, p. 73). However, in a way, autonomy can be seen as a paradox. If you tell a student to be independent and autonomous, and they obey, then they are in fact not being autonomous because they're doing what you told them to do. However, if they do not comply, they continue to be dependent on you. Mariani (1997) approached this subject very well and explains how teachers can promote autonomy. He explains that we need to challenge our students in order to answer their need for autonomy. We support them in order to answer their need for dependence. He then puts this in a framework.

Figure 2. Teaching Style Framework (Mariani, 1997)

The level of autonomy and dependence need to be balanced. A high level of challenge with a low level of support should be avoided. He recalls a moment where he experienced this himself and explains that "the result [...] was anxiety, insecurity, discomfort, and even aggressiveness - not to mention the long-term effect on my self-confidence" (Mariani, 1997). The ideal is a situation with a high level of challenge combined with a high level of support, this way we can create the zone of proximal development (Mariani, 1997). During the math classes, I find myself facing a high level of challenge with a lack of support, and later I discovered I wasn't alone.

I made the decision to not do the math assignments. First of all, I think the subject isn't relevant for quite a lot of students. When I asked my coach why we had math in the first place, she answered that it was mandatory because teachers college is part of the PABO. This isn't very motivating because knowing that it's mandatory doesn't explain why it is. Second of all, this tells us that it is in fact not very relevant for the students who know that they want to continue high school education instead of primary education. I was also told that they scaled up math since last academic year. This is because students in the craftsman phase were lacking knowledge and struggling. Again, this is not very relevant for the students who choose high school education. I understand that I made a choice to do TC, which means experience both levels of education, but we have a significantly high amount of math classes compared to a lot of other subjects.

Secondly, I think the way math is taught isn't in line with teachers college. This also relates to Mariani's framework. At TC we are taught to be better teachers, to support and motivate our students and to be open-minded. Our teachers also play a part in this. What I experience is that the teachers within the core team practice what they preach. I feel like my basic needs are met. I don't feel the same about math and I decided to create a survey (appendix 6). I asked TC students (of all years) to fill it in and 19 of them did. It's not a lot, so maybe not representative for all TC students, but I decided to stop promoting the survey when it caused some commotion (rumours were being spread that it was a survey to get rid of math altogether). But the results of the survey are still very interesting.

Seven out of nineteen students were TC1 students, the other twelve are TC2 or above. Almost all the higher years indicate that they didn't have any assignments or had small ones, but none that involved their internship or took multiple weeks to finish. Nine out of twelve higher years claim that they didn't experience math as stressful at all. Two students found the classes useful. Only one student felt like they had learned something, a few students are neutral in this, but most claim not to have learned much. Most higher years say they do not remember the theory that was taught to them, indicating that the classes weren't even lasting. When asked if they had further comments, many of them said they didn't find the classes meaningful, that they didn't see the value or that they don't remember much from the classes at all. It is clear that they were in one of the low challenge zones, making it either too easy (a low challenge with high support levels) or boring (a low challenge with low support levels).

Now if we take a look at the TC1 students, the answers shift. When asked what kind of assignments they had, they all answer with big assignments that stretched over multiple weeks as well as in-class assignments and presentation. On top of that, it is mandatory for the portfolio (this wasn't the case for the higher years). Five out of seven students experienced the workload as high, the other two were neutral. Six students claim they experienced stress, one is neutral. Some of them do claim to have learned something, or that they experienced it as useful, but I think it's important to remember that for TC1, my year, it is mandatory for our portfolio and so there's more at stake. The workload that TC1 experienced indicated that we're in the high challenge zones. The stress experienced indicated a lack of support, putting us in the anxiety zone.

What did we, as students, do to change this? At first, not a lot, at least not as a collective effort. I know a lot of students email Janneke and Danny with questions or stayed behind after online class but often didn't get answers or help. They experienced low support. When we did come forward as a class, some of us still did not feel seen, or heard. We had a conversation with Janneke and Danny and I experienced it as very frustrating. Just like Mariani (1997), I experienced anxiety, discomfort, insecurity and a level of aggression, the same way I did in high school with Mr E. and Mr B. I felt ready to throw my stuff into my bag and walk out of that room, but I didn't.

Maybe it's closed-minded to not do the math assignments, maybe it even shows a level of disrespect. At the end of the day, I passed my mandatory math test (wiscat) (appendix 7), I learned and did just as much as the students last year (who also passed math) and I refuse to be put in a zone of anxiety when I'm learning, especially when I'm learning how to be a supportive teacher myself.

🎵 ZITTI E BUONI - Måneskin