#asian longpig

[coopers-kitchen]

(Pictures submitted by stgostenchub. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/stgostenchub)

This pig got in touch, specifically asking to be steamed.

Now, steaming kind of has a bad reputation compared to stewing, roasting, grilling, or spitroasting a pig, but done right you get longpork that’s delicious, juicy, and so tender you could lick it off the bone. It’s also one of the healthiest ways to prepare boypork, so it’s ideal if you’re on a health kick and find yourself craving the other white meat.

Still, this 155 longpig would be even more delicious with another 45 pounds of pork. I had him prep his oysters for harvest before we met, then sliced them off. Not only were they delicious - they are my favorite appetizers, after all - but the change in hormones meant it was easy for this pig to reach his body goals. For months he was fattening up, whether it was lounging around my house eating everything I put in front of him - and believe me, I put a lot in front of him - or locking him up in a cage to be forcefed. And of course, I spent a lot of time playing with my food - fucking a longpig gagged with an apple or locked up in a cage as a feeding tube pumps slop down his throat is something every chef should experience at least once.

Well, nothing lasts forever. This pig was eager to be eaten up, and I was eager for my meal. After three days fasting and spending all his time in a marinade bag, this eager pork chop was only too happy when I was stuffing him, and even happier when I gagged him with an apple, tied his feet to his ankles with cooking twine, and locked him up in the pressure cooker to be cooked alive by the boiling steam. I still remember the joyous look in his eyes as I was shutting the lid - this pig was going to be delicious, and he knew it.

A few hours later I opened the cooker, letting out jets of fragrant steam and revealing my meal, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a longpig look so serene after he’s been steamed. He was so appetizing I ate everything in one sitting, starting with that beautiful, tender bellypork. It was so good, you’d never guess it was a healthy alternative.

[coopers-kitchen]

I’m not a big sports guy, with the exception of competitive eating. My favorite competitor has always been Matt Stonie. I love watching this cutie shovel food into his throat, whether it’s pizza, donuts, gyoza, cereal, whatever.

Of course, Matt knows he has his fans, and he isn’t averse to private shows. a $10k payment is all it took to arrange one, plus some fun.

You really think I’m going to let this porkboy go? Hell no. As part of my payment I didn’t just get to play with my food - I got to tie him up and forcefeed him until his belly was groaning, then it was all too easy to geld him and transfer him to a cage. As delicious as he would be at his current 28 inch waist, I think another ten inches would really make that pork sing.

Of course, he got the celebrity treatment. After a straight three days with a feeding tube pumping slurry down his throat he was willing to accept his fate. I let him have free reign of my basement as long as he kept eating, and it wasn’t long before he even got into it. He’d openly tease me while he ate, talking about how delicious he’d be, how he hoped I was getting my money’s worth - although let’s face it, what is a porkboy going to use cash for? I did make a big dent in it keeping him fed, though. It’s not often a longpig pays for his own room and board.

After fasting, I decided it was time for one last show. This hog wolfed down twelve pounds of pineapple, cherry, and sausagemeat stuffing in an incredible eight minutes, then lay there groaning as I forced it into the other end. Then it was just a case of covering him in a smoky BBQ glaze and impaling him on the spit, and I know this pig was into it because he started directing the spit through his chest cavity and up his throat before I even told him to. This pig didn’t want to bleed out, he wanted to experience as much as possible.

Tightly secured to the spit, I had my other house pigs trade off the cooking duties, and Matt was still squirming over the coals for hours. Of course I needed some help with this hog, so some buds turned up for an eating contest of our own - who could wolf down the most of this delicious boypork? Mostly for fun, but the loser would give up one of their pigs to the winner.

Of course I won. I’m Matt’s number one fan, after all, I wanted to devour as much as possible, and I still had plenty of leftovers. My bud Chris lost and of course I picked his fatass stepson as my prize - I know he was looking forward to cooking up that hog himself, but hey, fair’s fair in the world of competitive eating.