#asfteotw: the playlist

[wannabelilybriscoe]

Remus thinks, in that moment, that he would like to kiss Sirius Black under that wide open sky filled with possibilities. He would like to reach out a hand and touch one of those sharp cheekbones, gently caress his way down his soft, smooth cheek to the elegant curve of his neck. Would like to run his fingers through his midnight hair and find out if it really is silk to the touch. Would like to cradle that stubborn jaw and lean in slowly, so slowly, until the molecules of their breaths whirl and tangle together before capturing those lips with his own, his fingers tangling in the hair at the base of his skull, their tongues tangling together, their thoughts tangled up in the feeling of each other, so you’d have to rip them apart to separate them. But even if he could kiss him, knowing for sure that nothing bad would happen to Sirius, it would be wrong. Sirius is hurting. He’s mourning the boy he did kiss. Besides, Remus barely knows Sirius, really–though now he knows him a little more. Sirius has trusted him with knowing about Fabian and his family and how they hurt him. He knows about this piece of Sirius’s heart. Remus thinks he would like to know a lot more about Sirius Black.  And he can still do one thing. He can reach out and hold Sirius’s hand. So he does, cupping Sirius’s palm in his own and giving it a gentle squeeze while the tempo of his heartbeat picks up. Sirius’s eyes widen, looking down at their hands and then back up at Remus’s face. There’s a question written in the little crease between his eyebrows. Remus isn’t ready to answer it, not yet, so he just holds Sirius’s gaze. He hopes that Sirius understands what he is trying to tell him without words–that he’s here for him. That he understands his pain, and he’d like to help carry its weight. He can hear Sirius’s heartbeat picking up in rhythm with his own– ba-bum (ba-bum) ba-bum (ba-bum) ba-bum (ba-bum). Sirius looks away, and Remus wonders for a terrifying moment if he crossed a line he shouldn’t have. Then, he feels Sirius’s palm sliding against his own so that those long, tapered fingers can slot in the spaces between his. Sirius’s smooth, pale fingers tangle with his own tanned, calloused ones. Sirius’s hand is slimmer than Remus’s, with thinner bones, but his grip is still strong. Remus likes the way he can hold Sirius’s whole hand in his own. He really likes it a lot.  Twilight exhales into nighttime, and the sky alights with billions of glittering stars. There, blazing in the middle of it all, is Sirius, the brightest star in the sky. For a little while, just as long as they sit on that ledge, fingers tangled, Remus imagines that he’s the sky holding him. 

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 11 "Under a wide open sky"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

The zombie in front of him lurches to a sudden stop. It turns towards him with a loud groan. Remus’ breath hitches, but then he’s forcing his breathing to slow down again. Inhale. Exhale. His dad’s voice barks in his mind so clearly he could be standing behind him: Stand firm, Remus.  Slowly, so slowly, he pulls the Remington 870 over his shoulder and into position. The movement makes the barest rustle against his flannel shirt. He places the butt of the gun into position on his shoulder. Slowly, so slowly, he tilts his head down to look through the shotgun sight. The zombie lurches towards him, suddenly picking up speed. He aims at the zombie’s head.  Always be prepared to go a little further, Remus. It’s the zombie fucking apocalypse, and Remus Lupin is still alive.

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 1 "It’s the zombie fucking apocalypse"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

The next morning, Remus will wake up just as the dawn casts gentle, prodding rays across the room. He’ll come into awareness in stages: first, warmth along the side of his body; then, the light against his closed eyelids; then, the smell of himself commingled with the increasingly familiar smell of Sirius; then, the soft huffs of Sirius’s sleeping breaths. He’ll open his eyes to a foot dangerously close to his mouth (guess Sirius was right to worry about waking up with his toes in his mouth). Then, he’ll shift slightly to look down the bed, where he’ll see the top of a midnight-black head of hair peeking out from under the duvet. The emotions will wash over him–worry, yes, but mostly elation–in gentle, lapping waves.  Sirius will begin to stir, making cute little snuffling sounds, reminding Remus yet again of a dog. Feeling cheeky, Remus will reach his foot to poke Sirius–which ends up being on his nose. Sirius will snort and grumble unintelligibly, so Remus will do it again. Serves him right for all the poking and prodding he did yesterday.  With an irritated huff, Sirius will bolt upright and glare at Remus groggily. Utterly charmed, Remus will laugh openly at him. “Fuck off, Moony.”  “Hmmm. Nope.” Another prod, this time at his hip. With a haughty sniff that might be intimidating under different circumstances, but not while he’s got crazy bedhead (still gorgeous), Sirius will crawl out from under the duvet and up to Remus’s end of the bed, where he’ll throw himself down beside him and wiggle until their faces are too close to be a good idea.  “Sirius, you’re too–” “Shhh,” Sirius will say, reaching up a tentative finger to softly trace the path from between Remus’s eyebrows, down the bridge of his nose and to its tip, where he’ll tap it gently. “Morning, Moony.”  Sirius’s smile will be so soft, so adoring, like the first rays of sunlight at dawn. How could Remus ever be expected to not smile in return? So he will.  “Morning, Pads.”

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 17 "A glimpse of what if"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

Mary leans in closer to Remus to stage-whisper to him. “I think James just stole your boyfriend.”  Remus sighs, glad that the mask hides his bashful smile at hearing her say your boyfriend. “I already knew I’d only have him on loan.” Sirius pulls back from James, who lifts his glasses to rub at his eyes. Glancing over his shoulder at Remus, hair falling in inky waves down the back of his neck, he shoots him one of his patented, fantastic Sirius Black smiles.  What did he do to end up with such a kind group of friends, right at the end of the world? As they chat, a few other people approach Remus to welcome him back—Molly, Arthur, Monty and Effie, Reginald. It feels blissfully normal, like a glimpse of a world where what if could be what is, bantering with his friends, and sharing secret smiles with the boy he adores. Outside, the rain lets up in a rare show of levity for a late November day in Scotland. The clouds even part a little, allowing for a few hopeful rays of afternoon sun to shine through. 

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 17 "A glimpse of what if"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

“Goodbye, Sirius. I…” His voice wobbles and he stops to compose himself. “I’m so glad I met you.”  Remus holds Sirius in his gaze for a moment longer, the way he wishes he could hold him in his arms. Then, he moves forward purposefully, past Sirius, who stands still like a statue. His plan since last night has been to take the car, since heading out on foot isn’t really an option. He resolutely does not look back at Sirius as he opens the driver’s door and climbs in, turning the key that sits waiting in the ignition. When he’s unable to resist any longer, he glances up…only to find Sirius gone.  A half of a second later, the passenger door is flung open and Sirius climbs in.  “Right, where are we off to?”  Remus splutters. “Sirius—! What are you doing?” Sirius makes a show of shrugging off the shotgun and hucking it onto the back seat before kicking his feet up onto the dashboard. “Think we could stop at a drive-through? I didn’t have a chance to eat breakfast before stopping your sorry arse from taking off alone.”  Remus prays for patience. “Sirius, get out of the car.” “Shan’t.” Remus groans in frustration, then realises the mask is still dangling from his one year. He hastily tugs it back on.  “Sirius, please.” “I appreciate you being so polite but no.” Remus drops forward and bangs his forehead against the steering wheel a few times.  “Where do you even plan on going, anyway?” Sirius asks.  Remus groans again, feeling defeat creep over him. “I don’t know, alright?” “Perfect, that’s on my way.” Remus tilts his head so he can look at Sirius while still resting it on the steering wheel. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Sirius smirks. “So I’ve been told.” “Unbelievably annoying.”  “But not easily forgotten, right?” Remus feels a traitorous smile tugging at his lips. He says in barely more than a whisper, “No.”

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 16 "Anywhere in the universe"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

“I don’t know anything except what I want. And I want you, Moony. In any way I can have you.”  Remus swallows. Their eyes are tethered to each other’s, clear grey looking straight into golden brown—it’s almost too intense to bear. It’s like Sirius’s face is burning into his retinas. From now on, everywhere he looks, all he’s going to see is Sirius, Sirius, Sirius. The crazy thing is, he’s not even going to be upset about it. Why would he want to see anything else?  Feeling bold and reckless, he places one of his hands over Sirius’s on his chest. His hand covers Sirius’s hand like a blanket. As if they’re two magnets being pulled together, Remus’s head tilts downward while Sirius’s tilts up, until their foreheads are resting against each other. Their lips are only a few inches apart; he can feel the warmth of Sirius’s breath puffing against his, the molecules of their breathing mingling together. It’s risky—they’re dancing on the razor’s edge. They take the risk—he needs this more than he realised. He’s struck by how big this moment feels; the warmth of Sirius’s forehead and his hand, solid and sure against his chest. His stolen moment with Oli all those months ago had felt frantic and new, like learning to tread water. But this moment with Sirius feels steadier. More grown up. Does this feel different for Sirius too? “I want you, too,” Remus murmurs.  Sirius inches ever so slightly forward. The tips of their noses brush and it feels like static electricity buzzing down his neck and back, right down to his toes.  “So come home with me,” Sirius murmurs back. 

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 16 "Anywhere in the universe"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

There’s a term used by the military to describe a high-impact event that is difficult to predict under normal circumstances but that, in retrospect, appears to have been inevitable. This is known as a black swan event.  Because a black swan is, by definition, unexpected. Fundamentally hard to prepare for. It’s only after the fact, in hindsight, that the black swan is rationalised by those who survived it and so, understood to have been unavoidable. Of course, the military had protocols for everything, including black swans. These protocols focused on handling situations of uncertainty using a structured framework that accounted for having incomplete information.  The problem is that the military is made up of humans and humans are dismally susceptible to black swans. There’s two reasons for this: the first is that humans like to create narratives to understand the world, but they can only create narratives based on what they know of the past. The second reason stems from the first: humans tend to believe that the past is a reliable predictor of the future. There’s also the pesky little matter of confirmation bias, which prevents humans from seeing evidence that contradicts their existing beliefs; their understanding of how things have happened in the past. Of how things should be.  So, when something entirely unexpected happens like, say, a zombie apocalypse…well. They were all just humans, grasping at tools that saved them in the past, trying to beat the black swan.  But there’s the rub: you don’t know a black swan is a black swan until after it’s already beaten you. 

A Song For the End of the World, Ch. 19 "The red thread of fate"

[wannabelilybriscoe]

A Song For the End of the World: The Playlist

I've drawn a lot of inspiration from music while writing my silly spooky zombie coming-of-age story. So, I thought it would be fun to share some excerpts alongside the songs that inspired them. I'll be tagging these posts #asfteotw: the playlist.

[wannabelilybriscoe]

A non-era-appropriate playlist for ASFTEOTW

Since A Song for the End of the World is set in the 70s, the songs I choose to include in the fic are all from that era or slightly before it (and, specifically, from before March 1977, because it’s meant to be music Remus listened to). But there are some songs I’ve been listening to for the ~vibes~ and to get myself into the headspace of being a teen again. I thought it would be fun to share them here. There are a few more but apparently Tumblr only lets you share 10 songs so I may do a part 2 later.