#asfdshgfhdjkl this makes me sad

[syxjaewon]

the first one kinam tells about his leaving, besides yongsun and lynx who managed to figure it out on his own, is jaewon. he knows his captain doesn’t care for why he is leaving, he would probably even call him an idiot if he realized why he was really leaving, so if only it’s out of respect and gratitude for the ship and the family jaewon has built for himself. this way his decision is final, leaving the passengers little to no time to try and convince him otherwise or try and pull him into hugs as they say their sappy goodbyes.

kinam walks in with two books and a blanket clutched in the hands that he hides behind his back, needing a couple of seconds to search for the right words after he sits opposite of jaewon. “i’m leaving,” he eventually says and spreads the books and blanket out across the table, “in a couple of days already, when we make the next layover.” he doesn’t bother explaining why or with who because he knows it isn’t important to jaewon, instead he rolls his shoulders up into a shrug before he continues. “it’s a lot sooner than i expected, but dex is a good pilot. he’ll manage to hold his own until you find a new pilot.” kinam stops there and, unlike others that had left, doesn’t make the mistake of suggesting a promotion for a kid isn’t ready for it. he’ll leave it up to jaewon to take that kind of risk.

“either way, i came to gave you this.” he holds out the blanket first, the one he had so often draped around his shoulders before he went to crash in eph’s room. “it’s for ephy, in case he ever returns. he never said goodbye so i couldn’t give it to him myself, but i don’t want to leave it with the witch lady either.” he explains and for the first time in all the years he’s known jaewon his eyes are pleading. eph meant a lot more to him than most people realized and he still regrets not trying more before he left. “and these are for you.” a little smile curls around his lips when he hands jaewon the books. one of the books is titled ‘the catcher in the rye’, not necessarily a book with the happiest of endings. it’s dark and a little sinister, but he hopes jaewon will come to enjoy that. the other book is called 'how to swim for dummies’ and essentially it’s the reason for the playful smirk that’s plastered on his features. but it dies down and soon all there is left for him to do is give jaewon a little nod.

“see you around, cap’.”

jaewon ignores kinam at first when he walks in, as the captain is apt to do on a regular basis whenever anyone approaches him, never one to make the first breech of silence unless he is the person doing the approaching, his gold eyes still pinned to his cortex comm, reading a news article as always, the remnants of an apple slice being slowly chewed between his teeth. kinam’s presence unsettles him slightly, although he can’t pinpoint exactly why, not until he hears the words fall from the pilot’s lips and land in jaewon’s lap with a dull thud, the syllables heavy and unwanted, digging into him like a butter knife, and he winces a bit, parts of his face curling and tensing for a moment, without lifting his gaze.

he says nothing in response to this declaration, but at least he is paying attention, despite however much like a lie that seems, his eyes still downcast, his lips still pressed together, arms still loose over the rests of his chair, but to anyone who knows how to look, he sits so still he might be trying to sink down into the wood, his lungs refusing to inhale the same space kinam exhales, his eyes no longer flitting over the virtual pages, but stuck on one letter, unable to move forward. he hears kinam mention days and their next landing, dex and whatever new pilot jaewon might pick up soon, and it makes the captain want to spit, want to snarl, want to growl.

instead he moves not a centimeter, not until the blanket is offered, the fabric gleaming with sentimental value jaewon almost doesn’t even want to touch, but slowly reaches out a hand over anyway, scarred fingers closing in around the piece to bring it closer to himself, and then also the books, which is when he finally puts his comm down and looks them over, reads the titles. he’s never heard of ‘the catcher in the rye’ but the other one, ‘swimming for dummies’ isn’t that difficult to figure out and his teeth click together wryly, the joke not lost on him but still unappreciated. “well at least now i’ll have something to practice my swordplay on.” or use for kindling, if he ever finds himself in need of burning something for a fire.

setting the books down, he finally looks up at kinam and sighs, keeps his thoughts to himself, keeps his yawning darkness to himself, all the words a man would say to someone they consider a friend locked up and coiled tightly inside his chest, a ball of wire, a ball of tension, something only to be swallowed down and buried deep under the core of him. instead, he simply nods. “thank you for your service and for a job well done. we’ll touch down on angel in less than a week, so you’ll have a decent amount of carriers to get you to wherever else you want to go. good luck, kinam.”