#asatmr

[angstmaster69]

Hey blue! I saw that you deleted your youtube AU and i was just wondering why? I hate to sound all mother-y and patronising, but are you okay? Or did you just not want to write it any more? I hope i'm not stepping out of place to saying this but I really liked the story and where it was heading so I'm sad to see that it's gone and won't be updated :( but I hope you're okay! :)

Hey I just sent the ask a second ago, about hoping you're okay and about youtuber AU being deleted, and I just wanted to know if maybe you could tell us what was supposed to happen in the plot? I know I'm not the only curious one lol, and I was just wondering :) I hope you have a good day!

i actually JUST answered why i deleted/stopped writing yt au in another ask! as for the other points, i’ll answer under the cut because this is probably going to get pretty long!

first of all, please don’t worry about me, i’m fine! i’m just going through pretty nasty writer’s block right now, but i’ll be okay! i’m trying to just write through it, even if everything turns out super shitty, but yeah. it’ll pass. and if it doesn’t, then i’ll still continue to write, it just won’t be at my usual standard of writing, so i’m sorry for that.

secondly, i’m honestly really sorry that you were enjoying the fic and i just.. took that away from you, kind of unfairly. i just wanted to be rid of it, honestly. i’ve deleted a lot of docs from my computer regarding it too, so now it’s just, like, gone, thank god. but, yeah. hopefully i can just tell you the plot now and get it over and done with, and maybe that’ll help with closure i guess?? i know it’s really not a big deal that i deleted it, but it kind of is to me. i feel like i failed in some way. anyway.

i feel like before we get into the plot some details should be revised? it was always going to be endgame taekook. that much is for sure. they’re fwb. obviously there’s the queerplatonic vmin (which i REALLY wanted to explore the dynamics of because romantic friendships are Lit™ and i lovelovelove vmin with all my heart) and i mean, jeon and jimin are like, at odds with each other for Reasons, and yeah, taehyung is one of them, but also they just kind of clash in an ugly way and it’s tense and taehyung is like, the only reason they haven’t fought properly. i mean, they were gonna have a fight in the fic in the first draft, but then i edited it out and made them sit down and talk Like Adults and work through their issues, because i’m kind like that. there’s namjin being all gross and couple-y and in love in the bg, and then there’s weird yoonseokmin vibes, and it was kind of A Mess, and taehyung Does Not Do Relationships And Fucks Around A Lot Instead and he’s like, in denial about a lot of things. they’re all youtubers. yoongi is ace, taehyung has a very weird complex with his ability to form romantically involved relationships due to both family and personal past experiences. jeongguk is in love with taehyung but it’s beginning to take its toll on him. and NOW we can start.

so like, in the chapters that i posted, taehyung has a livestream for his 10 million subscriber party. he and jeongguk end up kind of getting caught making out but also kind of don’t, then they sleep together and spend the day together and just pray it blows over. there was a bottom taehyung riding scene, then jimin and taehyung flew out to seoul from la. jimin gets mad at taehyung because he sees him bitching out at jeongguk over text and he brings up ‘taekook’ (i’m SHAMELESS) with the fan they talk to on the plane, and it pisses him off, one, because he kind of despises jeongguk, and two, because taehyung is being kinda rude and jimin’s tired and it’s not his fault he likes filming everything. so yeah, they’re in seoul and taehyung meets up with some friends, one of whom is jeongguk’s Big Ex that taehyung didn’t know about, and it freaks him out when he finds out because he gets jealous and this is where things start Going Bad. 

basically, he gets home and kind of breaks up with jimin, then medicates with drugs and sex and alcohol, then jeongguk and jimin have their aforementioned talk and help each other to help taehyung. jimin sorts his yoongi-and-hoseok thing out, and makes up with taehyung. jeongguk kind of moves in with taehyung, just to check he’s doing okay, and taehyung starts doing better. he makes videos again, even though it’s not the same, and he travels more often to see friends and family and the world, and sometimes jeongguk joins him. they have a lot of sex, sure, but they also talk to each other seriously a lot more, and taehyung tries to communicate properly. he lets himself fall in love with jeongguk, and they’re like kind of official without actually explicitly saying they are, then they’re caught kissing in public and all hell breaks loose. taehyung fucks up and says a lot of hurtful things to cover his ass, and jeongguk is just Done with waiting for taehyung to admit his feelings. so - and this is like, the Big Moment that the au builds up to - taehyung makes a video. he starts off slow and small, just talks about his life and where he’s at and the affect youtube has on it. then he starts spilling all kinds of things his viewers have been questioning for years - things about him and jimin, things about him and other youtubers he’s been rumoured to date. things about him and jeongguk. and at first jeongguk doesn’t watch it, but namjoon convinces him to, and so he sits down in front of his computer and watches the video. it’s forty minutes long. 

taehyung. spills. everything. a full exposé of himself. he talks about about his sexuality, and his internal struggle with his aromanticism and difficulty bonding. he talks about everything, from the moment he and jimin decided to enter a queerplatonic relationship, to the moment he realised he’d fallen in love with jeongguk. he talks about how he’s been sleeping with both of them this whole time, and other people, too. how he faked being friends with some other youtubers, just because that’s what everybody did. how much he genuinely loves his real friends. how jealous he felt when he met jeongguk’s ex. how guilty he felt when he broke it off with jimin. other things, too, and jeongguk has to pause it halfway through because he’s sat there, cold, in the dark, balled up on his massive desk chair, crying. there’s no way taehyung can go back from this. his viewers will love it and eat everything up, and of course, taehyung could totally monopolise on the attention and popularity, but jeongguk hears the ‘goodbye’ and the channel deactivation before he gets to the announcement of it at the end of the video. because yes, okay, taehyung could come back from this, but there is no way that taehyung would ever want to.

so taehyung leaves youtube. the others still carry on, and they’re all still successful, of course, especially jimin. he sort of takes over taehyung’s space online, even though he had no intentions to. jeongguk and taehyung talk things over. they agree it’s not time for them just yet, but they’ll wait for each other. so taehyung uses his name to get a job as a cinematographer for an up-and-coming indie studio in hollywood, and he lives comfortably and modestly with his friends by his side. he doesn’t just completely disappear online, and he still pops up in his friends’ vlogs and videos sometimes, but he’s nowhere near as active or as influential as he was before, and he loves it. it brings him peace, and space to think and feel and be, and soon enough, he’s ready to welcome jeongguk and his love into his life.

he’s happy. they’re all happy. 

i’m almost hesitant to post this, because it’s still fluid and ever-changing in my head, so please note that this is the plot as it stands, and that parts of this will probably be improved or changed in my head over time, but that i’ll probably never discuss this again unless prompted to. on that note, if anybody has any questions about this au, please feel free to ask me! as long as it’s not about if or when i’m going to reupload or update or whatever.

again, i’m fine, thank you for thinking about me, and i’m super sorry for deleting so abruptly but please try to understand where i’m coming from with this when i say that i just couldn’t do it anymore. i’m sorry, and i hope you have a good day too! thanks for checking in :)

[angstmaster69]

:o WHY DID YOU DELTE YOUTUBER AU OMG?!!

i think for the most part i just... couldn’t be bothered anymore? like, not in a lazy way, but in a kind of IDON’TWANTTOBEDOINGTHISANYMOREPLEASEGETMEOUTOFTHISMESSTHATI’VECREATED kind of way, if you know what i mean? 

like, okay. when asatmr was a headcanon, i was digging it. i shared the idea with a couple friends, who also seemed to dig it, and i was like, LIGHTBULB MOMENT, I SHOULD TOTALLY WRITE IT OUT, EVERYONE WOULD LOVE IT! then i planned it and wrote it out and posted it and people digged (dug?) it and i was like, hell yeah, this is awesome, i love it! then block came and it got a little complicated.

i know i’ve sort of mentioned it in passing on here, but i’m going through some serious writer’s block right now. like, it’s kind of ridiculous. i can barely write 1k a week, and if i do, it’s never on one set piece? like i’ll write 500 words of one of the kink chapters, then i’ll write 400 words of some ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AU in a note at like 3am or something. like, the inspiration to write and the ideas are there, i’m just lacking 100% in motivation.

annnnnnnd i guess that’s where asatmr comes in? like, i really wanted to give life to this au and these characters so badly at the start, and then i started to /actually/ write it and i hated it. i stopped thinking about it at night before i slept. i went over the plan and HATED everything that i had written down for it. i went over the published and unpublished chapters and HATED every single sentence. i had no motivation to continue it or to remedy it. i had no inspiration or motivation for it. i realised it was better just left as a headcanon.

and i mean, now, i can actually think about it again. i think up scenarios for it and such, and i’m writing down little notes for it here and there. but i doubt it will ever see the light of day again; i have no plans to repost or rewrite/rework it tbh. it’s probably just going to stay as a headcanon forever, and i honestly think it’s better left that way.

so i’m sorry to anybody who’s upset that As Steady As The Moon Rises has been discontinued and deleted, but please try to understand that there was, like, no other way around this. it was gonna get messy, and i would’ve hated it, and everybody would’ve hated me, and i already deal with that enough as it is, so just, uh. i’ll try to update soon enough in apology...?

[angstmaster69]

When will you update 'as steady as the moon rises'?? I'm sorry but I've been waiting for so long and I'm just so in love with the story, pls update

if i haven’t updated by the end of january then you have my permission to track down my IP address, set my laptop on fire, then actually fight me. bet seriously, i’m working on it! i have a lot of work for uni due and i’m kind of going through a bit of a block at the moment but i’m pushing through as best i can. asatmr isn’t my #1 priority, but i am still writing it! i just need to figure out a few of the finer details then i’m sure i’ll be able to update as regularly as possible.