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chaosincurate · 1 year ago

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My month in music - August 2023

Black Country, New Road - Ants From Up There (relisten)

Young Fathers - Heavy Heavy (relisten)

Mitski - Puberty 2

Mitski - Be the Cowboy

Japanese Breakfast - Soft Sounds from Another Planet (relisten)

Japanese Breakfast - Jubilee (relisten)

Kate Bush - The Dreaming

SZA - Ctrl

Squid - Bright Green Field (relisten)

Squid - O Monolith (relisten)

Black Country, New Road - For the First Time (not for the first time)

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven

Genesis Owusu - Struggler (new)

shame - Food For Worms (new)

IDLES - Joy as an Act of Resistance

IDLES - Brutalism

Blur - The Ballad of Darren (new)

Write-ups below

I'm gonna be honest, I'm way later to this than I'd like to be so I'm gonna try to just absolutely blitz through these so I can get onto a project that might end up taking a lot of work'

Black Country, New Road - Ants From Up There

Note to self: make a post dedicated to this album. It's musically meticulous and thematically compelling, and some of the lyrical work is truly crushing, like you are watching a man crumble slowly over the course of the album's hour-long runtime. It's an absolutely incredible work of art and would be one of my go-tos to demonstrate the unique potential of albums as a format.

With that last note in mind, I would of course recommend a back-to-back listen above all else, but if you must try a song first, I'd suggest the first proper song Chaos Space Marine

Young Fathers - Heavy Heavy

This is one of those warm albums that feel really communal and welcoming. It's got more angry moments - I Saw, for example has a war drum rhythm to it as the vocals on the verse are practically spat out - but for the most part, this is a very laid-back listen that captures an improvisational magic without the drawbacks that usually brings.

The previously mentioned I Saw is definitely my favourite from the album, but as I said, it doesn't exactly embody the album's best features. If you want a song that does that, try Geronimo. The song's lyrics tend to speak on the negative sides of life and the inevitability of it's end, but the music, along with some important glimmers within the lyrics, tell you that there is a beauty to even that.

Mitski - Puberty 2

I hear we're all gay here, so I imagine you all know that Mitski is good by now, but just to confirm, Mitski is good. I had heard Bury Me at Makeout Creek a while ago, and intended to listen to more after that, but the first song I heard outside that album was My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars, which is a great song, but gave me the total wrong idea of this album. Yes, there is a little more experimentation than I remember being on BMAMC, but I was under the impression that it would be way more abrasive from that first impression, and that's great for 2 minutes, but over a whole album, that'd be a lot, at least for me.

I am glad that I eventually got around to this though, because it was a great album. I would have been particularly worse off never having heard Your Best American Girl. It's an excruciating story of a protagonist who is in love with someone who is of an untenably different culture to themselves, which leads to tension, embodied by parental disapproval. It's a great song delivered with buckets of emotion, particularly when the chorus hits.

Mitski - Be the Cowboy

Honestly, this one didn't hit as much for me, which given everything I heard surprised me. I found that most of these songs ended too quickly to make an impact, and I didn't see anything on the album scale to write home about either. She's still clearly demonstrating her talent, and it's still made up of good songs, but they just lacked the impact of her other two albums for me.

That being said, I did particularly enjoy Nobody. The contrast of the disco-leaning instrumental, along with the pretty bouncy vocal melody against the loneliness the lyrics speak about somehow enhance that feeling of it being out of reach. As if Mitski is being taunted by it. It's very effective.

Japanese Breakfast - Soft Sounds From Another Planet

I am just now noticing the colour theme of the albums I was listening to around this time. Something about orange and yellow spoke to me this month.

This album is incredible. It's the first true demonstration of what makes Japanese Breakfast such a great project for me. The album is broadly indie pop, but it's the form of indie pop that's special: Michelle Zauner carved a niche sound from materials of the more music nerd side of pop music with the tools of lo-fi and soundtracks. The pop music materials come simply from the quality of the production and somewhat normal song structure which come along with some slight experimentation here and there in regards to the sound of the album, that latter point bringing us to lo-fi, which also gives us that unique comfortable, cozy vibe that you hear with Japanese Breakfast, and then the soundtracks portion comes from her excellent ear for creating the ideal atmosphere for a given song's themes.

All the songs on this album, especially the first half, are amazing and pretty representative of the album's sound, but I really wanna focus on Machinist, a relatively experimental cut. It's a song about a lover not being as vulnerable with you as you'd like and that's great, as is the fact that it's conveyed through a story of a woman falling in love with a literal robot, but the instrumental really sells this. There is a constant battle between mechanical coldness and human warmth in the song best conveyed at the end where a sax solo is accompanied by a robotic synth and very faint, distant, robotic vocals. This woman is a genius.

If you'd like something a little more normal, Boyish is also very good. It's a pretty straightforward song about romantic insecurity. If the narrator and protagonist is reliable, their boyfriend is staring at a waitress instead of their date, who isn't buying his attempts at reassurance, and is desperate to feel equally as seen as the stranger he's enamored with. There's a little unreliability to the narration though, because the sentiment switches from spite to yearning often, from "if you go to her, don't expect to come home to me" to "I can't get you off my mind" (followed by the currently irrelevant, but very witty "I can't get you off in general", love that, 10/10, sad tho). That introduces a layer of personal interpretation though: is it a song about anxiety told through a wholly unreliable narrator or is it actually about your significant other not being especially sexually attracted to you? Both are very interesting, and both seem like valid interpretations to me.

Japanese Breakfast - Jubilee

I love this album so much I made a post about it earlier this month, and I'm pretty proud of it, so please check that out if you're interested in reading more than just "it good. It very good"

Kate Bush - The Dreaming

Don't ask me why this is my first Kate Bush album. I could've sworn I saw this on some list ahead of Hounds of Love or having a higher aggregated rating somewhere or something like that but I can't find it anywhere now that I'm looking for it. But anyway, this is a great album. It provided everything I expected from a Kate Bush album, the weirdness, the stylistically all-over-the-place vocals, the general theatricality... But it also took that style in different directions than I expected, such as with the menacing title track about colonialism.

The song I'd recommend would probably be the fairly expectation-aligned Sat In Your Lap though. Honestly, if you've heard a Kate Bush song before, you won't need a taster for the album at all, it's more of that, but if you need to be reassured of that, the opener is a great example of it.

SZA - Ctrl

I didn't get SOS, unfortunately, felt it was a little bloated, but maybe it's worth a revisit, because over an hour of this seems pretty great. SZA's writing is all incredibly authentic and personal, and her vocals drip sweetly over any instrumental tried here. You don't need another stranger on the internet to tell you that this is a must-listen R&B album, but here I am, yet another stranger on the internet calling this a must-listen album.

My favourite from the album is probably Drew Barrymore, a reverb-drenched song about a relationship that is ruined by jealousy and self-hatred on the part of the protagonist. This is my favourite example of vocal honey on this album, too. This, for me, encompasses all the album's strengths brilliantly.

Squid - Bright Green Field

Bright Green Field is arguably the clearest demonstration of Squid's unique sound. It balances the ideals of punk and funk excellently while adding in some kraut-rock and Radiohead-esque ideas too. I think I might prefer O Monolith personally, but this album is both very close in quality and absolutely crucial for the band.

I think if I were to recommend a song from this album, as much as I love Narrator, I imagine it'd be G.S.K. that best positions the album for enjoyment, at least for most people. It sets up a lot of the themes surrounding urbanization and the contrasting of modern life with the natural to demonstrate modernity's absurdity, and does so expertly, while also providing on the instrumental front with that funk-infused post-punk that makes the album so unique.

Squid - O Monolith

As I said in the previous write-up, this is my preferred Squid album. It leans on that Radiohead influence a little more, I think, which is why I'm glad they established their own sound with their debut first, but I think the sound here is just more to my tastes, and better suits their focus on this record, which is hard to pin down, but it feels more broadly mechanical than the previous outing, more rigid.

I think there are a few really good recommendations for songs from this album, but I'll stick with the critique on policing and generally violent power over others afforded to the otherwise powerless: The Blades. This is one of my favourite songs, period, let alone from Squid or off this album. The way it gets in the head of someone whose only access to power is through the violence of law enforcement, and demonstrates the urge to use that power in that environment is just superb. And it demonstrates it all while also criticizing the amount of power they are afforded and how that makes matters even worse. I love it.

Black Country, New Road - For the First Time

Welcome to the best new six-part post-punk debut album! I hear the Slint influence is a little heavy here, but for one, that doesn't really bother me, and two, I haven't heard Slint yet, so I wouldn't know. Regardless, this album is incredible at getting you into a sort of dark groove, and eventually, when the time is right, uprooting that groove and leaving you completely at a loss for what to expect. Even when you've heard the album many times over like I have, there's a part of you that can't keep up with the erratic shifts in the music within individual songs.

That incredible aspect of the album is best portrayed in the album's best track for me, Sunglasses. It touches on so many themes, which makes it hard to pin down exactly what the song is about, but it seems clearly about wealth and delusion in some way. For me, I think it's about the protagonist being seduced by the toxic comfort of wealth and delusion that wealth is earned and not happened upon randomly. It's a complex song though, and I'm sure there are plenty of valid interpretations. It is 9 minutes, but it's so good and dynamic that you are unlikely to feel all that time pass. Give it a listen if you like the sound of everything I've written here!

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven

I never really had a resonant experience with instrumental tracks, which really made me skeptical going into this album. I have had plenty of positive experiences with instrumentals, but they're always pretty analytical, I rarely actually feel anything all that strong when listening. Add on top of that the length of the songs, with each of the four tracks being around 20 minutes, and it was a bit of a long shot. That being said though, this did resonate with me. After a stressful day, I just laid back, put this album on and relaxed for an hour and a half and I felt the album eat the stress from inside of me like a growing black hole, sucking up negative emotion. It was so thoroughly uplifting that I couldn't possibly hope to analyze it. It's difficult to recommend the way I usually would, but if you love music, especially stuff in the alternative and indie orbit, I'd suggest giving this a listen when you have some time to kill, especially if you're stressed or otherwise burdened.

Genesis Owusu - STRUGGLER

From an album that is very happy within a small niche, to an album that could be engaged with on some level by anyone, STRUGGLER is a dance-informed neo-soul album (I guess) that really makes use of the medium by using and reusing metaphors from within it's borders to reinforce themes, and explore new elements of that metaphor that consider the already established subtext. It's all very clever concept album stuff, and I always respect when an artist commits to a concept like this, especially ones who can still make songs stand on their own outside of the context of the album. It's very impressive.

I'd probably say Tied Up! is the best shout for a song to try, it's exceptionally groovy and is probably the point in the album where I'd say it really finds it's groove, which is on the late side, so hearing that in advance could reassure you that the album does actually find it's feet eventually.

shame - Food For Worms

This album is a weird one just because it doesn't really stick to a sound all that much. It bounces very quickly between punky songs like Alibis to a softer alternative style in tracks like Adderall a lot and it makes it hard to settle in a way that I think makes the album listening experience worse than if it were, for example, two EPs of comparable style. Of course, stylistic diversity is often a plus, but it has to be done better than this.

The songs are all pretty great in isolation though, especially when it does get a little punkier, such as with the previously mention Alibis (my personal favourite), or the song I'd recommend, lead single Six-Pack. First things first, that guitar sound is absolutely phenomenal. It gives off an erratic feel, and one of a shifting, untrustworthy nature. And then there's that hyped up vocal performance that embodies frustration at the comfortable delusion characterized in the lyrics.

IDLES - Joy As an Act of Resistance

This was incredible. The name pretty much sums it up. It's a post-hardcore album that is very aggressive on the surface level, but will often have a heart of gold, such as with Danny Nedelko, a song that stands in defiant support of immigrants and immigration, named after the writer's friend originally from Ukraine.

The song I'd recommend is largely just aggressive, but still with a pretty warm thesis in the end, and that would be Never Fight a Man with a Perm, a song about pub violence and the silliness of the extreme macho personas on display in those environments.

IDLES - Brutalism

I didn't like this one as much as Joy, but there were still some definite highlights. For one, it is a lot more punk. This album is absolutely punk to the core, and doesn't share the optimism of my preferred album, which does provide a more cathartic experience.

My favourite is probably Stendhal Syndrome, an album about artistic philistines; the type of person to look at an artwork and judge it based solely on the technical ability on display and not the vision of the artist or the art's emotional impact. Plenty is already made of punk's political leanings, but very little is the subculture's love and passion for art at the forefront, and it's good to see that being focused on here.

Blur - The Ballad of Darren

Unfortunately I don't have much to say about this one. I was hopeful going into it because I did quite like St. Charles Square, but almost all of the album just bounced off me leaving no real impression. Maybe it's worth a revisit one day, because I did mostly respect it on an analytical album, but it didn't make me feel much at all. If you like indie rock, maybe it's worth a listen, I hope you like it more than I do.

#chaosincurate #music reccs #music recommendation #indie music #music #indie pop #black country new road #young fathers #mitski #japanese breakfast #kate bush #sza #squid music #godspeed you! black emperor #genesis owusu #shame band #idles band #my month in music

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multiverse--wanderer · 4 hours ago

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Unshaken Outlaws | Arthur Morgan x John Marston [ENG]

[ Fan-Fiction based on the OTP between Arthur Morgan and John Marston from Red Dead Redemption ] In a world where the last cowboys are ruthlessly hunted, survival is the only rule. Loyalty, fragile yet vital, is the thread that binds the outlaws together, their sole hope in a landscape marked by betrayal and constant danger. Amidst war and a passion that defies the rules, Arthur and John will find an unexpected path to redemption as their world crumbles around them. For Dutch's gang, the fight for survival has never been easy, but it becomes even more complicated when a forbidden love blossoms amid fallen bullets, lies, and deep wounds. Can this love become the sanctuary they need to withstand the coming chaos, or will it be the end of everything they know?

...

REMINDER:

This story has been written in Spanish, which is my native language. This story has been translated to the best of my ability, although it is possible that it may have mistakes.

This is just a way to transport my writing to a common language for the rest of fans like me. For a better immersion, I recommend reading the story in its original version.

You can find this story on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own.

Thank you so much for reading me and see you in the stars.

...

Chapter 3: The Cold Spring

Present

"We've been running for weeks. We've taken refuge and are resting here, in an abandoned old mining town, while we wait for the snow to melt... Spring isn't going as I expected. There are no more sunsets filled with promises, where joy slipped away between passionate kisses. Now, all that's left is cold and despair, though the feeling still burns beneath layers of snow and condensed ice.

Remembering hurts.

I bought this new journal after the previous one burned in the fire a few months ago (I can't remember when exactly). I haven't written or drawn much in the past few weeks, but I've missed it more than I expected, so when I was near a store, I thought, "What if I buy another one?" After the fire and everything that happened up north, we spent a few months living in the wild, traveling from the Grizzlies to the worst part of winter, trapped in the western mountains. Food was easy to find, and we were living well. Dutch was interested in buying some land he'd heard about, but it didn't fit his preferences, or maybe he was afraid the authorities were watching us and someone knew who he was. So, we never bought it and kept wandering here and there. In the Grizzlies, we recruited two more members: Jenny, a lovely young woman we found alone by the side of the road, and Micah, an outlaw Dutch met in a nearby saloon. It seems Dutch is fascinated by Micah because he's impulsive, combative, and arrogant. Hosea and I aren't too fond of him. We'll see what happens.

Eventually, we managed to leave the wilderness and took refuge outside Blackwater, although sometimes I stayed in the city looking for ways to make money.

In Blackwater, I may have discovered something interesting. We had plenty of money, and the path we took was so winding and slow that no one could follow us southeast or figure out where we were headed. We thought about going to California, but Dutch and Hosea ended up taking us to Blackwater. It seemed like Blackwater had grown a lot since the last time they were there; they told me it was mostly a trading post. But it developed so quickly that it's practically a small city now. Corruption seems to run rampant, and it's clear that money is abundant there. I slept in a bed there, which is a pleasure once in a while after living so long in a tent, but I've never liked the idea of being so close to a city.

We lived there, and most of the time we camped outside the city, trying to stay unnoticed. Life there was uncomplicated. Abigail and Marston never stopped (and never will) arguing. I wonder why she came back. It seems she can't decide if she wants to act like a mother to her son or not. Their arguments exhaust me...

Hosea and I had a plan while we were there, something important we'd made a lot of money from, stemming from a real estate scam Hosea thought he'd uncovered. It was the perfect crime: robbing some criminals, and we were very careful. It's always fun working with Hosea because he comes up with the wildest ideas... Even if we end up with nothing, we have a great time. Hosea is a born talker, though back then, he was worried about us drawing too much attention in the city for too long. Dutch also thought he'd uncovered something important: a ship carrying money from the banks. Micah and Dutch planned to rob the ferry in the city, believing it was full of riches since it was carrying money meant for the banks. I didn't participate in the heist. Hosea and I were too busy with our own matters, and Dutch always seems to trust that if the group stays united, everything will be fine.

Their plan was to carry out the heist and then flee to the western plains. The next day, Hosea and I would pull off our scam and meet up with them. Things got pretty complicated.

Now we've been running for weeks. The ferry heist they pulled off in Blackwater turned into a disaster. They killed young Jenny, poor thing, and no one is sure if Sean and Mac are dead or were captured. Dutch shot a girl, not sure if by accident or on purpose, and it's possible we were set up. We fled in a panic through the hills, leaving almost all our belongings behind. Then, while running east through the Grizzlies, we were caught by a storm. Davey Collander, who had been shot in the stomach during the raid, passed away. Watching him die was overwhelming, and the rest of us nearly froze, but we found shelter and are resting here, in an old abandoned mining town, waiting for the snow to melt.

Spring isn't going as I expected. Hosea and I had planned a heist of our own in Blackwater, but I think that's in the past, like most of my previous belongings. I'm deeply worried about what will happen once we leave this place or if the authorities find us hiding here.

I've found a girl; well, a woman, actually. Her husband was killed by some of Colm O'Driscoll's men. Something horrible. Her name is Sadie Adler."

Arthur's pen came to a stop as he closed the journal that cold morning, his numb fingers barely able to trace the final line. Outside, the storm continued to roar like a wounded beast, and inside the cabin, the air felt so cold that the men's breath formed small clouds in front of their faces. The wooden planks, worn by the moisture, allowed the cold to pass through like invisible blades that pierced to the bone. It was a modest cabin, barely an improvised refuge for desperate times, shared by Arthur, Hosea, and Dutch, each of them struggling with their own demons while trying to escape the ghosts that haunted them.

Arthur rose from the chair in his small room, the creaking of his boots on the wooden floor echoing in the silence. He walked down the hallway to the central fireplace, where the fire fought to stay alive, flickering in shades of orange and gold. In front of the flames, Dutch and Hosea sat, their figures cloaked in shadows and a palpable air of tension that seemed more tangible than the cold itself. The arguments between them were as common as they were inevitable, especially in moments like this, when decisions weighed heavier than ever and uncertainty gnawed at everyone's spirit.

—When the storm lets up, we'll leave. —Dutch said, in the tone of someone trying to convince even himself—. But for now, we're fine here. We're not too cold.

He extended his hands toward the fire, letting out a soft groan as he felt the warmth on his sore fingers. Arthur leaned against the stones of the fireplace, observing the contrast between the two men. Hosea, with his sharp, calm gaze, seemed to be analyzing every word Dutch said with a mixture of skepticism and patience. Finally, he responded with a simple:

—I suppose.

That one word, laden with resignation, seemed to trigger something in Dutch. He lifted his gaze to Hosea, noticing the fleeting expression on his face that sought something in Arthur—perhaps confirmation of his own doubts. Arthur, caught between the two like a pawn in a chess game, lowered his eyes, trying to avoid becoming the target of the tension that was about to erupt.

—It seems you have doubts. —Dutch accused, his voice sharp as a dagger.

The air in the cabin grew colder than the weather outside, and Arthur tucked his head into the collar of his coat, seeking to protect himself from something more than just the freezing wind.

—I don't have doubts, I'm just concerned. —Hosea replied calmly, though his tone didn't soften.

The eyes of both men locked in a silent duel, a battle that Hosea won when Dutch, with a sigh of frustration, shifted his gaze to Arthur. Arthur felt the weight of the expectations fall on him as Dutch spoke:

—What do you think, Arthur?

Arthur swallowed, knowing that any words he spoke could tip the balance. He kept his tone firm, though his hands clenched into fists inside his pockets.

—Well, I wasn't on that boat, so it's hard to say. But I trust your judgment, Dutch. I always have.

Arthur's words seemed to temporarily calm Dutch's inner turmoil. He nodded slowly, massaging his cracked hands while his gaze once again drifted into the fire.

—Thanks, son. —He said, his voice softer, almost paternal, before turning toward Hosea with a hardened expression—. We've been through this before. I don't think this is anything new.

—I hope not. —Hosea replied, not conceding an inch.

—We've had some bad luck, but the storm has covered our tracks, so we wait a little longer, go back to Blackwater, and grab the money, or get more money and keep heading west.

The conversation continued like a game of chess, each word measured, every gesture laden with meaning. Dutch, always the dreamer, the strategist, spoke with the confidence of a man accustomed to leading, while Hosea, more pragmatic, tried to anchor him to reality.

—But we're heading east.

—For now... for now. Everything's fine, Hosea. We're safe. Stay strong.

Dutch rose from his chair with a heavy sigh, his movements reflecting the exhaustion of days filled with uncertainty and tension. The wood creaked under his weight, a sound that resonated through the cabin like a somber echo, almost as much as the words he had just spoken. His gaze turned to Arthur, still leaning against the fireplace. Dutch's dark, hard, determined eyes studied him as if they wanted to pierce through the layers of his coat and reach his soul. Arthur, unlike Hosea, hesitated before meeting his gaze. There was something in Dutch, a mix of authority and distrust, that made it harder to face him in moments like these.

—What do you say, Arthur? —Dutch asked, his voice carrying an almost imperceptible challenge—. Do you doubt me too?

—Never.

Arthur's response came before Dutch could finish his sentence, quick, almost desperate to dispel any hint of suspicion. His tone was calm but firm, as if he were willing to cling to those words with all his might. Dutch let out a sigh, one that carried a mixture of relief and pride.

—Good, because you know me, boy... This is just the beginning. Once we get some money, well... They'd better send competent men after us, because they'll never find us... But we need money.

Arthur nodded slowly, his eyes briefly drifting toward Hosea, who sat silently behind Dutch. Though Hosea said nothing, his expression spoke volumes. A slight nod, almost imperceptible, seemed to shout the doubts Arthur couldn't voice aloud. Dutch, however, didn't notice that small betrayal of silence, or perhaps chose to ignore it. Instead, he leaned toward Arthur and gave him a couple of heavy pats on the shoulder, his gesture paternal and weighty.

—Thanks for your strength, boy. It means a lot to me.

Arthur didn't respond. He felt the weight of Dutch's words like an anchor that added to the already unbearable burden of loyalty he had always shown him. Dutch turned toward the cabin door, his steps resonating with determination as he grabbed his weapons and adjusted them to his belt. He didn't spare a single glance toward Hosea, who remained seated by the fire with an expression that fluctuated between weariness and reproach.

—And the money's well hidden in Blackwater? —Arthur asked, raising his voice slightly when he saw that Dutch was about to leave.

Dutch stopped with his hand on the door handle. He turned just slightly, letting his eyes rest on Arthur for a prolonged moment, as if evaluating the sincerity behind the question.

—I think so —he finally replied—. They don't even know we tossed it.

—Well, then it can wait.

Dutch nodded with a slight grunt, opened the door, and stepped outside. The snow-laden wind rushed into the cabin with a chilling force, bringing a blast of ice that made the candles flicker and snuffed out part of the fire. The snow that had accumulated on the doorway's planks slid inside, forming a cold, damp puddle that seemed to claim the space Dutch had left behind. When the door slammed shut behind him, the silence settled again, though now it felt heavier, more uncomfortable.

Hosea let out a deep sigh, so heavy it seemed to take part of his energy with it. He closed his eyes for a moment, leaning back in the chair as if he needed to reorganize his thoughts. Arthur, who had been watching everything in silence, moved closer to him, stepping carefully, as if he feared disturbing the delicate balance left in the room.

—How are you, Hosea? —Arthur asked in a low tone, almost a whisper—. You were coughing all night.

Arthur placed a hand on Hosea's back, a gesture full of care and familiarity. To Arthur, Hosea was more than just a companion on the road; he was a father figure, a counselor, someone he could always trust.

—It's the cold —Hosea replied, downplaying the matter with a wave of his hand—. Thanks for bringing John back.

Those words carried a different weight, a gratitude that went beyond mere courtesy. It was a sign of trust, of respect.

—Of course.

Arthur rolled his eyes slightly, sensing in Hosea's gaze something more than gratitude. There was a spark of understanding in his eyes, as if he knew what the young man was feeling, like a mother who knows her child's secrets without needing them spoken aloud.

Suddenly, Arthur noticed a figure in the doorway. Molly, with her red curls and green eyes, was watching from the shadows, her arms crossed in front of her chest. There was something in her posture that seemed to ask permission to come closer, but also something that held her back, as if she knew that the warmth of the fire wouldn't be enough to melt the coldness that hung in the air.

—Are you okay, Molly? —Arthur asked, turning toward her with a gentle tone—. It's warmer by the fire.

—No, I'm fine, thanks. —Molly murmured, her accent wrapping around her words.

But her eyes told a different story. Tired, disappointed, Molly preferred the solitude of a cold room to facing the tension still hanging in the air by the fire. Arthur nodded, understanding without insisting. Finally, he decided it was time to leave.

On the porch, he found Dutch, the cigarette lit between his fingers, the smoke rising in spirals that were lost in the snowstorm. Arthur leaned on the railing, his hands leaving warm prints in the accumulated snow. The silence between them was more eloquent than any words.

—Thanks, Arthur. Thanks for bringing John back. Finally, a little peace.

Arthur held back the sigh that threatened to escape from his chest. He knew that any gesture, any misplaced word, could betray him under Dutch's inquisitive gaze.

—The wolves gave him a good beating, but he'll be fine —he replied finally. And in a barely audible murmur, he added—: I hope.

Dutch smiled faintly, his expression reflecting a mix of confidence and exhaustion.

—He's been awake for a few hours. You might want to visit him.

—I think he'll be fine. He's got good company, and I've got things to do.

Arthur didn't look at him as he descended the stairs into the snowy expanse before them. However, both knew he would go. He would always go for him.

...

CONTINUE READING THE FULL CHAPTER HERE:

Chapter also available in ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61174720/chapters/158540431

#fanfic #fandom #writing #ao3 #wattpad #male x male #english fanfic #cowboy #red dead redemption #RDR 2 #RDR #dutch van der linde #john marston #javier escuella #hosea matthews #red dead redemption fanfic #morston #arthur morgan #arthur morgan x john marston

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jodilin65 · 33 years ago

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THURSDAY, JULY 30, 1992 I’m watching Candid Camera now waiting for my talk show to come on.

Well, today was another good day but it sure was hot and frustrating waiting forever at welfare to fill out a stupid form, get a date, and a letter for the food bank. They gave me a lot of really good stuff at the food bank. More than the churches.

I think I’ll have to go for an appointment on the 3rd. Mark said he’ll take me. I gave him 4 more loaves of bread. Now he’s got bread for months and I have 4 or 5 loaves in my freezer. I sure hope they mail me my food stamps before I run out of the food I got today.

I have other things to write about like Jake, a friend of Fay’s who’s bi. Andy liked his body and his hair but says his face looks devilish. They talked for a long time but there were things about him Andy didn’t like. Otherwise, Andy said he was very interesting and very open. Jake is only into casuals and Andy wants more than that, so it’s all up in the air pretty much. If they can be friends, that’s cool.

There was an awesome storm with neat lightning, thunder, rain and gusty winds at 45 MPH. Mark and I were enjoying it outside our doors as I was sprinkling my unwanted pinto beans in the gravel.

Two missionaries came here looking for Robert upstairs. He was there as I could hear him walking around up there. He didn’t answer his door, though, and Mark and I were busting the missionaries, saying he was an escaped convict profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. Mark told them to put a bulletproof vest on as he’s a psycho man who was in the war.

Around 9:30, I went over to Andy’s and I tried calling Fran but there was no answer. We called Nervous instead and I taped him. We were on the phone till almost 11:00 and I billed the call to Bob.

Jake was telling me I have beautiful legs and a beautiful body.

Ha! My legs are my worse feature, besides my teeth.

He also says in time he could find me a feminine woman for sex here and there. Oh, sure. I don’t want any more good-looking people in my life. I don’t want anything to do with Rosemarie either.

On this talk show, a comment which I’ve heard before got me cracking up. This applies to gays and straights and people looking for one-nighters as well as commitment. That when you’re not looking is when you meet someone. Really? Well, I haven’t been looking and I’ve had only two one-nighters since early 1991 after me and Brenda split up. This is why when it comes to sex, relationships, and careers, I don’t think a negative or positive attitude is relevant. If you think positive about something or someone you really want and bust your ass trying for it, it’s not gonna happen if it ain’t meant to be. We do not make our rules to a degree. God or whatever’s up there does. There are only certain things we can control. We can dump or keep our friends. But who we can and cannot get as friends is beyond our control. We can choose what we eat, what we wear and things like that.

Well, now I choose to go listen to music. After that, I choose to be in bed with an attractive woman and be a professional singer, but God won’t allow that. Maybe in the year 2000. The singer, in the next life.

I began editing Nerv from tonight’s convo. It’s pretty funny as usual.

Later…

I fell asleep around 4 AM last night, and boy was I pissed at 7:45 when I awoke to loud knocking. I thought it was my door, but it was Mark’s friend Lance knocking on his door. I was over there getting Andy more pot and I told him I was royally pissed at being woken up, that I ain’t up that early, so knock softly or on Mark’s bedroom window. I think for the rest of my life I’ll be woken up 1-3 times a week. It just isn’t destined for me to wake up when I want to. Well, it beats being woken up 24/7 in the old project. And never hearing yourself think till midnight-7 AM.

Where is UPS with my packages? Where are my pictures Ma’s supposed to send back? She better send back all 12, too. When are Tammy and Lisa gonna write? She told me a few weeks ago she had letters coming out, so what’s taking so long?

I can’t wait for the rest of my picture collection (of celebs). It’s been two months and a week.

Later…

I just went out to mail a letter to Jayke. The one we worked with at Denny’s in Chicopee. I wrote this letter for Andy when I first got here before I got my own place. He lost her address and he waited for her to write to him and she just did.

On my way back from the mailbox, I saw Albert, Donna’s husband and he said hi. I said hi too, and kept on walking.

I’m gonna be eating dinner at Andy’s at 7 PM. He bought chicken and I supplied the potatoes. He’s very obnoxious to eat with, though. He makes these gross slurping and smacking sounds and it’s pretty impossible to not hear it, even from across the room.

He gave me another tape he no longer wants, so I’ll use it as a blank. I just threw in a CD of Linda’s.

Later…

I’m copying some tapes for Andy and there’s not really much more to say. Only that Fay and I may bring Andy to the airport. Then, on the 3rd when I’ve got to pay SRP and go to welfare and to the store, she may take me.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago. Rick came out on his patio and we said hello to each other. I went up and knocked on their door and no one answered. I said to myself, OK, I’m outa here. They’ve never made any attempts to see me so that pretty much tells me something.

I don’t know what could be going on in their lives and yes, they did seem friendly before, but now I feel like something’s up. Like something’s telling me to just stay away and that it wouldn’t be a wise idea to waste my time with these people.

Andy and Fay are enough for now. Both Andy and I really like Fay. I’ve simply taken so much shit from people and especially the really good-looking people. Rosemarie is a perfect 10 and I swore I’d just hang out with average or below-average-looking people. Also, low-income people.

Well, I just lit my cigarette off the stove. My lighter conked out and I ran out of matches. Nervous quit smoking 8 weeks ago. That’s pretty good but he’s miserable on a daily basis with urges to smoke. Poor guy. But he was getting the beginnings of emphysema.

Later…

Well, I just went to make a collect call to Debbie in Oakwood Knoll and she got her number changed to a non-published one. Barbara never answered. I’m sure they unplug their phone at night. They’re probably thinking, gee she’s all the way in Phoenix and she’s still bothering us! She’s not here to be woken up by us, but she’s gonna wake us up for sure if we don’t unplug our phone at night. A few days ago, I was making collect calls to them and Debbie said my name. I was cracking up afterward.

With my luck, though, they called Tammy or Mary Jane and then Mary Jane called Tammy. If so, Tammy would just say what the fuck do you want me to do about it? But Mary Jane knows how I, Tammy and the rest of my family feel about her and Oakwood Knoll so I think she’d be hesitant to bother. The same goes for Barbara and other tenants. They really drove me up the damn wall there.

Andy will no doubt get a kick out of learning about the new non-published number and about Barbara having to unplug her phone at night. Whenever I call after 10:30 at night there’s no answer and I know they’re there. I’m sure they can’t afford to change their number so they’re willing to deal with it in the daytime. At night they must unplug their phone so as not to be woken up. Meanwhile, they can’t wake me up.

I really must start writing some letters. I need to write to my niece, Tammy and my parents. I will send that cat I drew to Tammy to give to Karen. It came out well. Better than I expected. I have Tammy’s birthday card and my parents’ anniversary card. Next Monday I’ll mail my parent’s card.

What’s taking them so long to send the pictures Andy took? Maybe she’s waiting to show them to Tammy after all. I know she will be there through August 1st – 8th, but when the exact date is they leave and return, beats me. I’m not even sure if they’re driving or flying. I think they’re gonna fly. If Mom does have those pictures when Tammy, Bill and the girls are there, they can all rank on them together. Why is it taking her so long to ship me the rest of my stuff? In a letter to me, she said she’d be shipping them out ASAP. Over the phone, she said it’d take months. She wants me to believe she hasn’t got the money to ship everything at once.

When Andy’s tapes are through, I’m gonna take a walk over with them to his place.

Rosemarie said her birthday is August 6th and I have all those cards ma sent. Half of me says to give her one, but the other half says it wouldn’t look right. Is it a dumb idea? I certainly wouldn’t tell her my mom sent me tons of all kinds of cards, so she’d assume I bought it. But why go out and buy a card for someone you don’t really even know? I think I’ll just go and wish her a happy birthday.

I think I’ll watch Hard Copy and A Current Affair instead. I haven’t seen them all that much lately and I believe Andy has to work tomorrow. If so, he’s gone to bed or is going to bed very soon. Of course, I’ll also watch Candid Camera and the Jane Whitney talk show.

Why are there so many fucking crickets in here? I know they’re harmless, but they sure as hell are annoying. They jump out at you unexpectedly and really make a racket. Current Location: Arizona

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 1992 I am watching Candid Camera now and next is Night Talk with Jane Whitney.

On this talk show, there are “lipstick lesbians” on now. I’ve seen this before.

Earlier I did stop up to see Rosemarie but Rick answered the door saying she was asleep. I would’ve loved to go climb into her bed and join her, but instead, I just told Rick I’ll see them some other time.

Andy and I went to the grocery store where he bought us TV dinners. He also got me some milk, lent me a roll of toilet paper, and brought us some popcorn which we had while we played Crazy 8’s. I’m glad we’re finally playing Crazy 8’s after about 15 years. I wonder what took us so long to get back into it as it really is a lot of fun.

It’s almost 1:30 now so I should really try to get to bed soon. I’m gonna go listen to my music first which I haven’t done all day.

Later…

I got up at 10:30 and then at noon I went to the pool. Andy was there and then he came over and gave me $40 which I gave to Mark & Lance for his pot.

Fay came over too, and she brushed my hair out for me. It looks much better now that I’ve washed and conditioned it. It was all matted down and tangled from the pool. Fay said she’d brush my hair whenever I needed it.

Fay and I played a game of concentration and she said she’d stop by tonight at 7:00. At 8:00, there’s the conclusion of a really good movie I want to see. It’s based on a true story about 4 guys who killed an Indian girl. All the shows are on an hour earlier here. The news is on at 10:00, rather than 11:00. Movies run from 8:00-10:00, rather than 9:00-11:00.

Later…

In an hour I’m going over to Andy’s as we’re both having T-bone steaks. Those are good and I’m starving.

I hope all goes well tomorrow at welfare. And quickly, too. You spend 95% of the time waiting and waiting and waiting. The food bank I need a letter for closes at 3:00 and I hope I don’t have to fill out the form all over again. It’s a long form and they already have all the information they need.

I will not be getting an SSI check anymore. This state has no cash supplement which means my monthly income will be $426. That’s ridiculous. It totally sucks. How do people live that don’t have parents sending them $50 a month?

On the 3rd, I’ll need to go pay my electric bill and my direct deposit better be here. I don’t want to have to stop at the bank for them to get my check from CT. I’ll also have to notify Tammy to close out my account as soon as my SS check comes to my bank here. I’ll also need to call Access and find out why they haven’t mailed me my Medicaid card. I try calling, but it’s always busy.

My main concern is getting my food stamps and seeing how that goes and my electric bill and my overall situation financially. Last month my electric bill was $65 and I need to be sure it doesn’t fluctuate drastically here and there. If it stays around $65, then I can get a phone with Mom’s extra $50. I can’t tell her if I do get a phone, though, as she said she wouldn’t pay the $50 if I do. I know why she really wants me not to get a phone. I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before, but that’s OK.

After Andy returns I’ll take the TAP form to my Doctor.

Mom sent a roll of film which we’ll do up when Andy returns, so she’ll have more to complain about. First, it was my clothes and now it’s the way I pose in pictures. I guess posing in 3 out of the 12 pictures in a really happy, goofy mood is a crime and the end of the world to her. Is this personal or something? Like is she jealous? Sure makes me wonder at times!

Fay wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes from me and I knocked on her door before, but she wasn’t there. At 7:00 I’m gonna have to leave her a note as I’ll be at Andy’s. They both know I’ll be watching the movie tonight but I hope no one else knocks on my door.

Guess there’s not going to be any friendship with Rosemarie. Why is it always me that has to do the approaching, visiting and seeking out of others anyway? I visited them 3 times. Now let’s see them come to me.

All I get is junk mail lately. When am I gonna get some letters? I haven’t heard from anyone. I drew Tammy’s friend Karen a cat. I told her I would a few months ago and it came out nice.

Later…

Soon, I’ll be taking a walk to Andy’s.

I just saw Fay walking her mother’s dog and she said her aunt has a cage full of guinea pigs. I miss having pets. I gave her a pack of smokes and I’ll stop by for a while later.

I guess I’ll go over Andy’s now as I’d like to use his phone.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 1992 I just got back from the pool once again, and Donna was there. My God, I never really realized just what a sick little bitch she is! A very sad and sorry little puppy hiding behind a mask of glory. Why is it that whenever someone else’s life is going shitty, or you’re not what they want you to be, they pretend they’re on cloud 9, contradict all they’ve said and cut you down?

Donna said, “I have lots of friends, everything’s going so great, my husband got a raise, we got a new car, and no friends have ever dumped me like that.” That’s ironic cuz when all was well between us, she told me she hardly has any friends cuz she gets dumped so much. I think she’s just being so vindictive cuz I dumped her when she wanted to be friends.

She was telling me I can’t handle things right and I get upset over stupid things yet there she is freaking out all hysterically. Everyone was looking at her like she was crazy. She told me she got all mad due to the fact that I think she’s pretty. Even fought with her husband about it. Now is that ridiculous or what? Who the hell fights over someone that tells them they’re pretty? What a totally melodramatic waste of time, anger and energy! I mean, come on, grow up! I never realized she was that judgmental and such a backstabber and I am never gladder that I dumped her. I never realized how unstable she is and I meant it when I said all the pretty ones are snobs. She’s got her mind set on what I’m all about and she’s so sure she’s got me all figured out. She says I don’t have a lot of friends and I told her she’s damn right as there are so many contradicting assholes like herself. I cannot believe just how paranoid she is. She can go on thinking she’s wonderful, but as far as I’m concerned, I have no room in my life for people like her.

Fay gave me a poster of unicorns to color and I’m gonna give her a word find puzzle book. I’ve really gotten to like her and enjoy our talks.

I’m also tempted to visit Rosemarie but after dealing with people like Donna, it makes me wonder once again if I’m not better off just minding my own business. I don’t know what to do. It’s all so asinine and stupid. I’m so sick of people but I guess I can do what I did to Donna if I need to. If I ever meet anyone who turns out no good, I’ll just dump them. Including anyone I currently know. The most shocking thing isn’t the low blows someone can give you as I am very well used to that. What’s shocking is how quickly someone can change from one extreme to another.

Later…

I just helped Fay fill out a 19-page form. It’s information on her son James, herself and her family for a therapist. I feel for those who are slow and have learning disabilities like she does. Life isn’t fair for all those who have so many ordinary things they’d like to do, other than being a singer, yet they’ll never be able to. And then there’s me, a quick learner with the abilities, but who doesn’t want to be anything other than a singer. Either way, I told her to never hesitate to ask for help with something if she needs it. It made me feel good to be able to help her.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 1992 Yesterday was a very good day. I continued to get more color and I swam all day. I spoke with Fay and briefly saw Rosemarie. I didn’t want to seem so pushy and smother them. I know what it’s like to need breathing space. I didn’t want them to feel like I was invading their daily lives. I never went up to their apartment, but when I was in the pool Rosemarie came out onto her patio. I called out hi and asked if she was gonna go for a swim. She said she didn’t feel like it and that was it. They did say that they’d come see my place sometime.

Last night at 7:30, Andy and I went in Mark’s truck to get that bed. It’s a twin-size bed but very comfortable. It really felt good to get off the floor. I gave Mark his foamy thing back but that sure saved me from feeling like I’d break all my bones, even though I have nice plush thick carpet. I slept very well. In fact, I even fell asleep at 1 AM, maybe earlier. I woke up at 8:30. Yesterday I woke up at 10:30.

After we brought the bed back here, Andy gave me a twin-size sheet. I can easily still use mine by tucking it in between the mattress and the box spring. I do have a frame but it’s missing a clamp. There’s no hurry for it, but it’d be nice to eventually have for a few reasons. One is it’d raise the bed up a little higher and my quilt wouldn’t be on the floor as much. Two, it’d be on wheels and easier to move. Three, I could store stuff under the bed.

I took Andy’s vacuum and used that and now my place looks so cute. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my food stamps which Andy will take me to reapply for next Wed. I also am dying to get a phone. I must first get situated financially and get my food stamps.

Later…

Fay came over. She found a white dress in the dumpster that fits me perfectly. It’s a little too long, though and it looks almost like a wedding dress. It has a few stains but ones that aren’t overly visible. It’s got long sleeves of white lace and the rest is solid white. There’s a lining inside but the outside is like chiffon. Streaming down the back to the floor is a piece of chiffon and there’s also a lace bow in front. Even with heels, it’s still just a wee bit too long so whoever wore it was also a size 3, but maybe a few inches taller.

Fay also found this tiny, colored pillow I had for a long time that I threw in there. I gave her two other little ones Ma sent. She’s got a bad back so she uses it for that.

Later…

Last night after I vacuumed and fixed up my bed, Andy and I played Crazy 8’s. Something we haven’t done since we were kids.

It’s time to write everyone’s letters. A lot has happened since I last wrote. I sure can say one great thing, though, and that is that I haven’t had but a few bad days since June 9th! That was all over money, of course.

Now after being here as long as have I can now truly feel a difference in my asthma. Sure I still wheeze and wake up a little congested. But I no longer sneeze my ass off like there’s no tomorrow. Overall I feel so much better and now I know firsthand why they recommend that asthmatics live here.

I will wait to reschedule my appointment for my pap smear and also have him fill out the TAP form (Telephone Assistance Program) to waive my installation fee.

After Andy returns from home he’ll take me there, and we mutually agreed and compromised on one thing. That is that until it gets cooler, he’ll drive me places, but rather than wait around forever, he’ll go home and I’ll call him when I’m through.

I hope next Wednesday I can get a letter to go to the food bank. There, they gave me quite a bit. At the church, Mark took me to, however, they didn’t give all that much.

Later…

So far today I’ve gone to the pool by Rosemarie 3 times and I just came back from the other pool.

I was walking out my door at the same time Fay was walking out hers across from me. Fay and her son James and I were headed to the “Rosemarie” pool when we saw how it was infested with little kids, so we took off for the other pool. That pool was crowded too, but not nearly as mobbed as the other one was. On weekends it’s pretty crowded. At night during the weekdays, it’s ok.

At the other pool, I ran into Stephanie. Pez screwed her over and now she’s got a new roommate also from New York like Pez and Stephanie. I’ve met her before and she’s sort of pretty but she’s straight, according to Steph.

It’ll be a long long time before I see another woman as gorgeous as Rosemarie. They’re far and few between in my opinion.

I told Stephanie that Andy told me she used to pay Pez $15 to clean her bathroom. I told her not to hesitate to ask me if she needs help cleaning. If I were to only clean her bathroom once a week for $15, that’s $60 extra a month! That’d be great but I know better than to count on it, even though she said she’d let me know when she gets her paycheck.

She also said she’d come check out my place and mentioned going to clubs. I told her I’d go to clubs with her if she needed someone to take along, but she stood Andy and I up last time. She said some serious shit went down that night, so we’ll see how reliable she is.

There’s a little part of me that’s tempted to go visit Donna. She’d be happy if I did, I guess. She really wanted to be my friend, but then I dumped her. Afterward, I swore I’d make no more friends and acquaintances - Fay, Stephanie, Harriett, Debbie, Robert, Mark, all the maintenance people, Dave the security guard, Rosemarie, Rick, and so many others I don’t know by name. With most of these people, I didn’t even initiate the conversation. They began to speak to me. Lots of people strike up conversations with me. Males, females, kids, young and old. I haven’t seen Ellie, though.

Last night I ran into Angel and Grace. We had a quick yet nice chat. Angel still hasn’t had her baby yet. They were just taking a walk and I invited them in to see my place all fixed up.

I told her that I wasn’t ever angry at her and that I’d been worried about money, but that she still had a friend in me. I apologized for seeming to have pushed her away and shut her out. She said she had thought about stopping by but has been busy.

Later…

I’ve never met so many people at once other than in schools or funny farms! I was just at the pool and I met a guy named Chuck, his Vietnamese girlfriend Lily and his son. I forgot his son’s name but they were all very nice. It seems I can just stand in the corner and not say anything and people will talk to me. I guess it’s a lot easier to socialize at pools as opposed to someplace like a grocery store.

Mark and his friend came home. The one who hooked up my VCR and asked me out to the movies. Lance is his name. I still can’t program into the VCR all the channels I want to record. I guess there’s a certain cable I need for that. Lance mentioned giving me one he didn’t need. Maybe he forgot or hasn’t had time. Or maybe he isn’t bothering cuz I turned his “movie offer” down.

I want to wait a little while before visiting Rosemarie again. I don’t know exactly how long, but although they said their place is always open to me, I do not wish to wear out my welcome. I’d also like to see if they come over here. I’m still so shocked at how friendly and open they are. They also said they were glad I was open about being gay. They really seemed to like my personality and were very into discussing my music and all about me. Every time I asked them about themselves, they’d say they were boring and had nothing to say about themselves, then ask about me.

Later…

There’s gonna be a good movie tonight I’ll want to see, but I’m sure I’ll be interrupted. I can’t record it yet. I’ll ask Andy what he thinks about that and what I should do.

FRIDAY, JULY 24, 1992 Well, I sure had an adventurous last two days! I’ll save the best for last. First, I met this girl, Fay, who I’ve seen around here a lot. She sort of reminds me of Tracy K, although she’s not quite that ugly. Close though. I’d never touch her, even though she’s bi. She’s got a boyfriend and a son but she’s had threesomes and lots of woman fantasies. She’s very tall and heavy with very short hair.

Later…

I just stopped for a while cuz Andy came over. I gave him Julie B’s letter which he’s gonna mail when he goes home from August 1st – 8th. He’ll be spending most of his vacation at the beach. Julie is a friend of Velma’s. Or was. She’s a hairdresser like Velma but she did some things to piss Velma off. Velma says she will hear all about the letters and get a good kick out of it. We just wrote a bunch of strange stuff. Nothing too scandalous.

I also played Andy a CD of Stevie Nicks.

Tomorrow between 4:00-4:30 we’re gonna go to Donna’s place for the twin-size mattress she’s got, I guess. We’ll see, but if she stands me up I’ll never count on her for shit again. We’re gonna go in Mark’s truck.

I spoke with Mark yesterday and also met a friend of his. His friend asked me out to the movies with him but I told them I was gay. Mark said no problem, but he hates gay guys. He said, however that cuz he’s my friend he’ll be cool. I said he better be cuz Andy’s not the least bit attracted to him and not to flatter himself. Also, anyone who fucks with my friend is fucking with me.

Mark and I also went swimming yesterday and today he brought me to a church to get food till I can reapply for food stamps. They usually have a Spanish interviewer there but he was out at the time. Two women spoke no English so I interpreted for them.

When Fay came over she had a piece of cheesecake for me. It was really good. We chatted here, then I brought her to Andy’s and we got some wrong numbers. We had some fun with those. I chatted with her today and told her all about my visit to Rosemarie and Rick’s place. It went super well, too. I’ve been pretty psyched about that. I told Fay how I felt about her before I finally got to meet her and talk to her last night.

When I get back from the pool, I’ll write all about it. Right now, though, I really am dying to go for a swim.

Later…

I am going to bed soon so I’ll write a little bit about Rosemarie and Rick. I was over to their place yesterday and today and I really like them both very much. I was a little nervous last night but tonight I felt much more relaxed. We all laughed and joked and talked about many things. Not sure I liked Rick’s joke about my being cheap cuz I’m Jewish, though. Don’t get me wrong. I can take a joke. But was it purely a joke, or was he being serious in some way? His tone made me wonder.

Most people blush when they’re around people they’re attracted to, so I thank God I’m fried with lots of color all over to hide it. My face would’ve been as red as it is from the sun. I’ve gotten a lot of color too.

My first night there, I noticed how they were really determined to get to know me. They really wanted to know all they could about me. They insisted I stay and talk and they said I was welcome to their place anytime. They were really coming at me from all different angles, attacking me with several questions. Their curiosity was genuine, not phony. They seemed very truly interested in all I had to say. Rosemarie kept asking me to sing and asking questions about that.

It at least seemed that they were open-minded and sensitive and very accepting. I even had no problem telling them of my being on SS.

Last night, before I went over there, I had to think of an excuse. I know this was being a little dishonest, but I told them some girl knocked on my door telling me Rosemarie had something to tell me. Next time I see them, Andy’s friend pulled this “joke” on me is what I’ll say.

I told Andy all about last night. Next time I see him, naturally I will fill him in on tonight’s visit which was 10 times better. Rosemarie brought up the subject of a boyfriend, so that’s when it all came out. Right away they were quick to reassure me that they did not think any less of me cuz of how I am but they did have a zillion questions for me. I told them to ask away and that I’m used to answering tons of questions and am very open about it.

Eventually, we were laughing and joking about everything from this butch who used to live near them to the underwear my mom sent that could cover her car. Rosemarie said there were two gay women next to her. One was feminine and nice, the other a mad, bitchy, jealous butch. She used to give Rosemarie dirty looks and Rosemarie said she was terrified of her.

Rosemarie also knows I’m very attracted to her. I am so glad we met. She and Rick are so friendly. They are very accepting of me. For Rosemarie being as pretty as she is, she’s so nice! I know I’ll never get her in bed but I do want to be friends with her as long as possible.

Well, now I think I’ll go listen to music before I go to sleep. I sure hope I’m sleeping in a real bed tomorrow night!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 1992 I know I’m wasting my time chasing Rosemarie, but hey, it’s fun. Andy also believes she’s got a boyfriend that she lives with, but it won’t be the first or last time that I’ve wasted my time.

I got a lot of color back yesterday that I had begun to lose. It looks good. When I returned to the pool, Andy was there. We had a very nice talk and I said all the things I wanted to say. He listened. I listened to him too, and simply told him I don’t want to fight with him or anyone else.

Those two girls from Terros, Sheryl and Annette, will be here at 7:00 this evening. I’ll have some happier things to say than the last time. My place also looks much better, too.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 1992 Earlier I got my second set of shelves. I used them in the living room and it looks so much better now. The whole place looks great, even the walls. I’ve always been good at decorating.

I managed to stay up until 4 PM and sleep until midnight. More and more I wish I could be up during the days. Even if I had nothing to do. At least I’d have the pools and I’d feel better. Also, if I did have something to do, I’d be able to be awake for it. Well, Andy said he never could be a day person if his life depended on it till this year. Hopefully, that’ll happen to me even though right now that seems impossible, but who knows?

Later…

I just ate and ran off the dishes. The dishes here don’t get really clean and I was told it has nothing to do with the dishwasher. It’s Arizona’s water. California has the same problem. There’s supposed to be something you can buy to put in the water or the dishwasher, but I don’t know what.

As I saw Mark walking towards his place, I tapped on the slider and waved hello. He knocked a few minutes later for a light for his cigarette. He came in and saw how I’ve decorated since getting my shelves. Said it looks so girlie. Yeah, it does.

I’ve got an hour or so yet before the pool opens. I’m psyched to get on with my tan. I’m losing what I had. Mark’s gonna blow up my raft sometime.

All I keep thinking about is Rosemarie. I know she’s straight as a pin, but I like to seek, chase and do my homework and detective work even though I get absolutely nowhere. She is the ultimate attraction for me. Ann Marie was no second best but she sure is compared to Rosemarie. All in all, God will never grant me that much. It just ain’t meant to be and will never happen for one night. As I’ve learned, just cuz you’re positive or want something bad enough doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. If you pray for something you want or bust your ass trying to achieve it and it’s not in the cards, you’ll never get it. If Rosemarie were meant to be, God would send her my way whether I wanted her or not.

I saw her yesterday morning for the first time in the bright sunlight. She’s so beautiful. I can tell so even though I’ve still never seen her close up. I was in the pool and she walked around the fence obviously on her way to work. She seems like a very friendly person. I could be wrong, though, since I don’t know her and everyone seems nice till you get to know them. We said hello to each other and she asked how I was. She also said hi to two elderly ladies and I don’t even think they know each other.

Right after that, I ran back to my place to see what time it was. It was 7:55 AM. Well, at 7:45, I will head over there and sit down on the bench.

I have makeup on and that sundress Donna gave me. My hair is all brushed out, too.

It’s fun, but on the other hand, I know I’m completely wasting my time. I think she’s with a guy. Well, it isn’t the first time I’ve thought of someone who never thinks of me. It won’t be the last either. I want her sooooooo bad. At least I hope to try to get to know her and be friends with her. It’s better than nothing and I doubt there’s any way she could be bi, let alone gay. Yes, she’s a neighbor and yes, she’s got a job. But this is an exception I can’t pass up.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 1992 I am just slowly beginning to wake up. I slept like a log from 12:30 PM-8:30 PM, but I am still groggy. I guess that’s good, though, as it’ll keep me up longer tomorrow if I take my time waking up.

I hope I get the rest of my stuff soon and a letter from my nieces. It’d also be really nice to hear from Kim, Bob, Fran or Nervous but that’s wishful thinking.

I’m gonna call SSI and the food stamp people out here. I should hopefully be able to reapply over the phone. I’ll also call about seeing a therapist and reschedule my doctor’s appointment for my pap smear. This Wednesday I’ll be through with the antibiotics and will be able to continue on with my tan.

My TD has been really pissing me off. Since being on the antibiotic it’s been worse. Some medications can make it worse. My TD also acts up and becomes worse when I’m tired or upset, but we’ll see if it subsides a bit when I finish the antibiotics.

The gay bars – well – I went to two of them and they shocked the shit out of me just as the shrinks in Natchaug did. Just when I thought nothing more could shock me. Back east it was 95% butch and a very occasional feminine woman. Here, there were lots of butches but also feminine ones mixed in. There weren’t tons and tons of them, but there sure was enough. More than a few. For the first time, I felt like I had the same variety as gay men do.

I met these 5 girls named Becky, Carmen, Carol, Holly and Lori. I gave them all my number or Andy’s number, I should say, but did they call me after telling me how pretty and nice I was? No. Of course not. Whatever’s up there is determined to let me only have two one-nighters a year.

I was also shocked at all these people who say they want relationships. And after I tell them I only want one-nighters here and there so they won’t feel threatened or scared that I’ll smother them or put strings on them. Yet I still get nowhere.

Why are people so afraid to pick up the phone? If they really want to check into someone, why don’t they put any effort into it? Why is it always me that does the seeking and approaching? The only one that approached me was one that wasn’t ugly, but not in the least bit attractive, naturally. What else is new? To tell the truth, though, after dealing with more and more shit with people, I’m glad they never called. Donna and Andy reminded me just what I’d be in for.

The only ones out of those 5 that I may have been attracted to enough to sleep with would’ve been Carmen and Becky and maybe Holly. Not Carol or Lori. I highly doubt they called during this shit with Andy. If they did he may be spiteful and immature enough to not tell me, but if that is the case, he’s done me a great favor and has spared me more bullshit. I don’t think he’d be mature enough to leave a note on my door at least, no matter how I felt about meeting them. But I’m completely turned off after his and Donna’s shit. Even with pursuing Sonja who’s never called back after I spoke to her. We had an OK talk too, or so I thought.

Wait till my sister calls. He can’t wait, no doubt, to go on and on crying on her shoulder. She won’t fall for it and knows better but if she questions me I’ll tell her it’s our problem and our business. I’m sure Velma and all his other friends have heard all about it on a daily basis. Well, enough of Andy, but I’ll say one last thing. That is I give what I get and if he can go back on his word so can’t I. That means I ain’t cleaning his place worth shit!

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 1992 I got the $50 from Mom and that was great. I really needed real food. All I had was stuff like bread, cereal and pasta, and I get sick of the lack of variety. I can’t get away with not eating right anymore.

I still haven’t gotten anything in the mail from Tammy or Lisa and I also haven’t spoken to Andy. I did leave him the $10 stamps I owe him and $10 in cash. My God his place reeks! How can he live like that? His place always reeks and is a pigpen. The way people live really reflects a lot about them. We both have had our depressing times and my place is sometimes a little trashed. But if you compare each other’s definition of “trashed,” they’re completely different. Even when I’m miserable I still usually have my place nice and my appearance too, if I can help it. He, on the other hand, always is a mess. That tells me something. I just cannot stand those that contradict everything they say. I feel so misunderstood by him. Part of it is that he’s got a lousy memory. Maybe cuz he smokes pot. The other part of it is his stubbornness. You’re a liar if he doesn’t want to accept, hear or believe something you’ve said.

I hate people who are so verbally abusive and think they can cut you down when they’re miserable, pretending to be king of the world and the happiest son of a bitch alive. I can see through that, not that he’d ever own up to it. He has said how he’s bitter and lonely and hates people and wants to lash out at them and treat them like shit. I can very much relate to those feelings too, but not with what’s supposed to be my best friend. Can’t people spare their best friends? We’re either gonna be enemies with no contact or friends that treat each other like friends. I’m not gonna go back and forth with him as we did in Springfield. It’s normal to fight here and there, but I won’t tolerate such shit like his on a regular basis. If he ever found anyone for a relationship, he’d never make it work more than a week any more than I could. Also, just like me, he’d attract the wrong kind of person, but for a totally different reason than me.

Later…

I got some of my old edits from Andy and duped them. He also gave me a tape of his best calls for me to edit. I’ve begun that as well as other editing. He and I have made some calls from his place. I still have lots of editing to do, but I always have more stuff to edit. I edited down all my convos with several different folks and left a few blanks for taping convos. Then I edit out anything boring onto another tape.

I still have to reapply for food stamps and set up something with a therapist. I sure hope there’s an agency that makes home visits. It’d be so much easier. I have a number to call that two counselors gave me the night I was all freaked about money. I ran in a panic to the payphone and cuz I didn’t know who to call, I called 911. I spoke with the dispatcher for a while and then she connected me with Terros. The police routinely come out first, then they send Terros out. I’ve seen these same two cops twice and this woman twice. I forgot her name but she had a different male partner with her each time she came out. I’ve forgotten all their names, except for Sheryl and Annette. They do a weekly follow-up for a month or so and they were the ones who came out last Wednesday. They’re gonna be here again next Wednesday on the 22nd at 7 PM. Annette’s white and Sheryl’s black and I don’t know why, but I really liked Sheryl. It almost seemed like it was mutual from what I sensed. It’s not that she’s gorgeous but something was there. Of course, I plan to keep my mouth shut.

Most types of people with real jobs that I’ve always seemed to click with are cops and security guards, like Dave here for example. He’s 40-something, I guess and is very nice to chat with. On weekends he’s here at night. He locks the gates at the pools at midnight. He’s here at night on weekdays too, as I’ve seen him lock the pools up at 10 PM. The pools open early in the morning but on weekends it’s open till midnight. I wish they were open 24 hours on my schedule, but there’d be lots of loud wild parties and no one near the pool would ever sleep.

After I got my $50 today, Mark next door took me to Fry’s, the grocery store right near here. He said to let him know whenever I need rides. That’s great as there’s no way I can walk in this heat with or without asthma. Early in the morning, nothing’s open and I never would walk at night. Can’t tell Andy that, of course.

Today it was 112º. Tomorrow it’ll be 110º.

Later…

I was just sitting here thinking of several things here and there about this and that. I can’t wait till I get the other pictures. It’s been almost two months. Also, I’m really looking forward to that second set of shelves ma’s sending. I’ll use them out in the living room.

I wish Arizona paid as much as MA did between the two checks. In MA it’s $581. In CT and AZ it’s $442 cuz it’s cheaper to live here.

I really wanted a 1-bedroom. That’s what I’m used to and I need the extra space. Especially the extra closet space. I’ve seen them and they’re so nice. Perfect. I miss being on the top floor, too. My place, though, minus furniture looks nicely decorated. Now that I’ve got shelves, tables and chairs, the only other thing I need is a bed. A twin would be fine as it’s just me, although you can fit a double bed in there and I’d still have room for my shelves. Luckily I do not have my old queen-size waterbed. That would definitely not fit in there. A color TV that’s a little bigger would be nice too, but no big deal and certainly not the end of the world.

I am now just about completely updated. All I need to write about are these two lesbian bars I went to a few weeks ago. Also, 3 more drop-dead gorgeous girls I met at the pool. I mean, they are all a 10+! LaDon, Lisa and Rosemarie. Rosemarie looks the most like Gloria out of any others I’ve met, though I think she may be Italian. I haven’t spoken to her much yet, just exchanged a few hellos and mentioned that she looked like Gloria. She says she’s told that all the time. Late-night two nights ago at the pool, I met LaDon and Lisa. They’re gorgeous too. All 3 of them have bodies that look like models. They’re perfect from head to toe. Their teeth, flat bellies, and straight thighs. Standing next to them makes me look below average when I know for a fact that if I’m compared to the average female, I’m doing pretty well. The typical, usual bummer of it all is that I’m sure they’re all straight as an arrow.

Cigarette break now, then I will write about those bars. Then, I shall finally be all up to date unless there’s a little detail here and there that has slipped my mind.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 1992 Well, I never did get to bed after the last time I wrote. I felt really shitty and couldn’t stop worrying about money. I called Ma and I should get $50 soon. She’ll send that monthly along with a box of non-edibles that food stamps can’t buy. That really brought me a lot of relief and then I jumped in the pool. When you’re trying to stay up cuz your schedule keeps changing, there’s nothing like having a pool. It really revives you when you jump in. It’ll be easier to change schedules here. If you need to stay up all day to try to sleep at night, you can lie out by the pool all day and relax. You won’t sleep that way but you won’t be overexerting yourself in any physical way.

In a half-hour, I’m gonna watch Little House on the Prairie.

Earlier at 9:30, I ordered a pizza that never came till 11:15, so I got it for free and saved $7.14.

I wish I had a little microcassette recorder. This way I can speak about all the subjects I want to write about without forgetting them if several days pass by before I write. At least I do have a fairly decent memory that I know I can rely on. It’d still be great to have a microcassette, though, as that way no details would ever slip my mind here and there. Many times, say I’m at the pool, for example, I’ll remember something I want to write about, but when I do write I forget. If I brought a microcassette recorder around with me to most places I go, I can speak little notes in bits and pieces of the subject, then play it all back whenever I decide to write.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 1992 In 1984, this is the day I walked free from Valleyhead. It was my last walk down Reservoir Road and I didn’t even know it. But I told myself I’d be damned if I’d return. I was a junior staff who had graduated. I’d done my time there.

Denise, my best friend there was taken in by Michelle. Michelle was my favorite teacher there. Michelle also despised Donna and her psycho sister Margaret. Also Barbara. She left for the same reasons any student there can’t wait to leave. She saw and knew how the kids there were treated.

I haven’t seen Andy since last Wednesday. All people want to do is fight, fight, fight. No one can let anyone be themselves. They flip out over the most stupid things. They knock you down when you’re already down. For a girl that expresses herself well and communicates well, I sure seem to be so misunderstood. I don’t want to fight with anyone. All I want to do is be happy. I try my best to get along with people but they’re always so determined not to get along with me. When are people gonna stop fighting with others so those who don’t want to fight and argue don’t have to?

I know I’m doing the right thing by avoiding Donna and Angel. And Andy agreed with me before all this happened that it isn’t always too smart to get involved with your neighbors as lucky as I sometimes was in Springfield. Who wants hostility so close to home? Plus, in Springfield, the only place to be was in your apartment. Here, I’m always at the pool and it’s harder to avoid people you don’t like or who don’t like you when you’re at the pool constantly.

A little over a month ago, I met a woman named Kathy at the pool. No, she wasn’t a butch as most Kathy’s, Carol’s and Karen’s seem to be. In fact, she was OK-looking. She’s got 3 kids. Her fiancé is a maintenance guy here. We chatted briefly at the pool and she told me she was home all day and could use some company. She gave me her apartment number and told me to come by anytime I wanted. I stopped at her place once for 15 minutes and I’ve never seen her since. She never said or did anything to scare me off but I know how all friendships are cool in the beginning, then take a turn for the worst. All is well when you begin anything, then it changes. If it doesn’t become a horrible situation, it gets boring. Maybe friendships are just as bad as intimate relationships after all.

Sometimes people are hard to avoid. Especially when you don’t plan on talking to them, but they talk to you. I did consider staying away from people with jobs and thought maybe it’d be better if I pursued more people on SS and SSI. I’m not ashamed to be on SS and SSI but so many people with jobs are bashing and knocking people like me. I don’t hate myself and I know I’m not stupid. However, when I tell people I’m on it when they ask what I do, they paint themselves a pretty bad and false picture.

I’ve written before about how one can only change the way they feel about certain things but not all things. How I wish I wanted to be anything else as bad as I want to be a singer. Sometimes, I look at all these people with jobs and wish I could love something else like I love to sing or be able to settle. I wish I had some sort of responsibility and a reason to get up every day. But even if I were a day person and had a decent job, I would have to constantly have to deal with people. I’m sure that no matter how well I did my job and kept my mouth shut that someone would stir up trouble for me.

There are a lot of people, though, on SSI and SS and everyone’s got their fair share of worries, fears, doubts and problems. I’ve been seeking out a somewhat “lower” class of people lately. No one on drugs or overly crazy, but low- or no-income people. People that are in my present situation, and if they have a similar background, that makes it even better. I used to try to seek out people who are fairly financially and emotionally stable with a better background. But these are the people who look down on me and feel they can do better, whether I hated myself or not. Opposites don’t attract.

Yesterday at the pool, as I was unlocking the gate, a woman called out, “Hi there,” as if we were old friends. Well, she’s 48, on SSI and SS, has lots of problems, is depressed and dead broke. Her name’s Ellie and she also has no car so we may walk to the store tomorrow. Normally, I wouldn’t coldly reject or try to change Ellie as many others would, but I’d be reluctant to get too close. I’d be thinking - can’t I do better than this? I’ve matured, presented myself better, don’t talk too much, remain evasive about my past and present life and don’t hate myself.

Later…

I went to see my primary physician here and he gave me Amoxicillin. I can’t wait till I’m off of them so I can continue with my tan before I lose what I’ve begun so far. I thought I had a yeast infection downstairs but instead, I have a bacterial infection. He couldn’t even do a pap smear as I am so tender there now. I’ll have to go for that after I’m through with my antibiotics and to make sure I don’t acquire a yeast infection since antibiotics can cause them.

My mom said she’d send me $50 a month and I hope she does soon as I’ve only got $5 until the end of the month. I really dreaded calling mom and telling her what’s been going on financially as she’s done a lot already but she was very understanding. I still must reapply for food stamps and hope I have a little extra money here and there once I get settled. I tried and fought for my SSI check but it’s hopeless, even though I was not overpaid.

There are so many non-edible things that add up, so even with food stamps, there’s never enough cash. I want to give Andy some money as soon as I can and God only knows if I’ll ever be able to afford a phone. The next few months are gonna be a struggle but I hope I’ll be OK. It’ll relieve the bulk of my stress if I don’t have to keep worrying about money. I still don’t know what SS is gonna do to my check.

I sent mom 12 pictures Andy took which came out fairly nice for a change. I told her to copy whatever she wants, then send them to Tammy. Have her do the same, then send them back to me so I can throw them into my collection.

I got some really nice packages from mom and dad. My pictures, typewriter, some papers, records and one guitar aren’t here yet. They sent my vacuum, one guitar, two quilts, two more bathing suits, shoes, suntan lotion, hair accessories, coupons and a small black and white TV. Also a lamp and two hideous shorts and shirt sets. Worse than conservative. I mean tacky, geeky, baggy and dull colors. That and a couple of pairs of cotton granny panties.

She also sent a table and two folding chairs. She asked me if I wanted the other two chairs and I said no. The two I have are enough. I like this so much better than my old kitchen table and chairs. They were getting old, dingy and beat up. It’s blue and matches my carpet well. The top of the table is soft leather-like material. To go with it she sent 4 mauve-colored placemats. The chairs are hard but there are two floral cushions you tie on to make them softer and more comfortable.

She also sent a raft and I was gonna sleep on that. I had figured it’d be wider but it’s too narrow for me to sleep on. Mark next door said I can continue using the foam mattress he lent me.

She sent me 5 plastic shelves just like the ones I used to have. That was fantastic so I could get shit off the floor. She’s gonna send another set which I’ll use in the living room. This set I put in the bedroom.

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 1992 Once again, I really need to get my ass in gear and write daily. I have so many fantastic things to write about and so many shitty things to write about. Well, why not start with the shitty stuff and save the best for last.

I’m listening to the original “complex” argument with Fran and Nervous. Thank God Andy had this even though it’s only 90 seconds long. It was always my favorite and it’s very funny.

Right now I am very disgusted and pissed off at Andy. I thought he changed. All he kept telling my parents and I is how he’s become more giving as far as car rides, for example. He told me to make any appointments I needed to make on his days off and he’d have no problem taking me. In these 115º temps, I cannot walk, even though the grocery store and the bank are very close. I’m not used to this heat yet and need to wait till it becomes a little cooler. He said that was no problem and understood. The other day he went back on his word and insisted I could walk in this extreme heat. He’s been going back on his word on so many things and bitching at me for doing or saying things that he himself does or says as well.

He’s lied to me and my parents about a few things and that has me wondering what else he’s said that may be a lie.

All he does every day is bitch about how stressful work is and the zillions of reasons why he hates his job. Yet I have never condemned him for it or said things to him like, “Shut up about it,” and “Don’t let it get to you,” and “Just smile and be happy.”

All he’s ever said to me since he’s been here is that he’s miserable and depressed. But yesterday he turned around and said he’s always happy and he wants to be around happy people, and that I should be happy all the time myself. Then he goes back to telling me how much he hates people and doesn’t want friends. How he wishes he could stand in a corner and never say anything to people. How he can’t be himself and is lied to and led on. I told him I feel the same way and that I stay isolated so I can be myself. But yesterday he bitched at how I’ve got a wall up around me and I’ve got to make friends because all the bullshit friends go through is worth it. In the next breath, it’s not worth it at all.

He’s offered me things I never asked for like to eat dinner with him. He’s knocked on my door and said he was on his way to the store, would I like to come along? Later he said how he shouldn’t have fed me or driven me to the store. Then why the fuck did he do it?

Then after bitching at me about how I don’t get out and live life, he goes right back to talking about how he’s gotta be alone and have space. He says that after a stressful day at work he’s gotta be alone and I shouldn’t come over every day. Any time he’s asked me to leave, I have. I gave him a ribbon to tie on his doorknob if he doesn’t want to be bothered. But he bitched about his space after I gave him the ribbon and that problem was fixed. He is a very sad, lonely miserable guy who cuts people down while pretending to be happy and king of the world. He’s told me how he wants to burn people and feels bitter just like I do. But why is he taking his shit out on his friends? Burn someone who burns you or pick up the phone, I told him!

He and so many other people continuously have to tell me what to think, say and feel. If I say I like the color pink and for whatever reason Andy can’t handle that, I’m a liar. As far as he’s concerned, I really don’t like the color pink if that’s the way he wants it.

I dumped that girl Donna cuz she too, started to judge me and assume shit when she doesn’t even know me. All she knows is why I moved here. I know Andy’s spoken to her, and I’m not sharing friends with Andy. I learned that with Brenda, Steve, Jai and a few others that it’s not good to share friends with him because of the way he tries to turn them against me when he gets pissed at me.

Andy insisted Donna could be a good friend and I shouldn’t dump her. I’m sure she could be in other ways and I’ll always appreciate the help with the food she gave me and the dress, but I will not be who she wants me to be. I know I did the right thing by cutting Donna off, even though there’s a little tiny part of me that misses her. The thing of it is, though, if Donna had been the one to dump me, Andy would have been on her side.

I am not gonna take his shit with Andy like I did in Springfield!

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 1992 I still have much writing to do. A few miserable things have happened to me since I’ve last written. I can’t help but feel guilty and cursed as I usually do, despite the fact that I had no control over the situation. I had a great month to start with here, then I wound up wishing I was dead again. I got so scared and depressed as reality hit me. So many fears, doubts, and questions were going through my head. All I kept thinking is that I didn’t want to live my life scraping pennies. Just barely able to pay the rent, the electric bill, food and other non-edibles that add up. Because I know now 100% for sure I’ll never have my dream, what the fuck is my purpose in life. What am I here for? To just barely ever eat enough and eat right? To be scared that SS will cut or stop my checks? SSI already stopped the check I get monthly for $16. They claim I was overpaid which is a crock of shit. There’s no use calling them as you just can’t fight them.

What is my purpose in life? To wonder if I can fully come up with the rent money and the electric bill? This is gonna be my life cuz I cannot settle, cannot have my dream and will never live in a project again. I couldn’t settle even if I wanted to. I couldn’t get up day after day very early in the morning. I’d only sleep 2-4 hours a night. We already know what effect that has on a person. Live in the NHA if you can’t sleep before 4 AM and see how it feels. I can’t afford to get up at 7 AM, lay in bed from 11 PM to 4 AM-5 AM and get up at 7 AM all over again continuously.

I also cannot afford to go without medical benefits and pay thousands of dollars for medical shit. So once again, what is my purpose here?

On July 7th, I had a horrible day. My food stamps are gonna be delayed now another month cuz the asshole in CT never closed my case. The worker in AZ said the worker back there never knew I moved. Bullshit. Tammy and Dad spoke to her. They do this to delay you as while they’re delaying you they save money. I’m so sick of harassment from public assistance, SSI and SS. I was so stressed out and was crying so long and hard that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. I thought it’d be easier financially here. That is one of the reasons why I moved here.

Besides being scared shitless about money, I got a notice from the office here. Either pay a $50 fine and be evicted or get rid of Shadow. I knew I had no choice. Andy and I drove him to Paradise Valley where Stevie Nicks lives. We dropped him and his box over the wall onto her property. God, do I miss that cat! As obnoxious as he was, I miss meowing with him and his being so loving and affectionate.

I’m too upset to continue on now and that pretty much covers all the bad news. It’s gonna be a long boring life of struggling financially, wishing I could settle happily, wishing I wanted to be anything else as bad as I wanted to be a singer, and wondering what my purpose is here on earth?!

When I continue, believe it or not, I’ll have better things to write about. Right now, though, all I can think about is Shadow. Most of the time I have him pretty well blocked out. Now, I can’t get rid of him.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 1992 Right now I’m only gonna do a quick rundown on topics I’ll write about in full detail tomorrow. First of all, since being here I had a very scary close call a couple of days ago. It concerns financial issues and Shadow. I was a devastated bundle of nerves for almost 24 hours. The financial issue has been fixed, but I’m crushed about something else and I always will be.

I’ll also write about packages from my parents. Packages I have gotten and packages I’m expecting. Also, about tapes and calls. Tomorrow I must go to the office for my CDs.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 1992 I have many things to write about, but I think I’ll save the bulk of it till later this evening. I have done so much writing in the last few days, so I need to take a break. Plus, I really need to go warm up my voice as I believe Andy and I are going to go and compete in a karaoke contest tonight. I don’t know for sure. All I know is that when I went over to his apartment to use his phone at 4:00, he was sound asleep. Oh well.

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sassylady1103 · 2 years ago

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The Road to Charleston

It’s our third day on the road. What a trip it’s been! I’ve been too exhausted at night to write, but we’re in Charleston now, staying at the apartment Colleen wants to clean up and use as a base.

This trip has been amazing! I mean, it was dangerous in spots, but with Colleen, it felt like nothing. I had no idea what a warrior she was! I know she spent most of her time with Papa training in the gym, even more after he’d gone, but I just never knew what a fighter she’d become. She’s so sneaky with her silencer, the scorched and ferals we came across didn’t even know what hit them! I only had to use my shotgun a few times when there was a mob that caught on to her. I was in awe of my sister, and I know Papa would be so proud of her.

The morning we left was foggy, and it made the forests look soft and dreamy, and dampened the sounds we made. It felt like it was enveloping us in a hug. Colleen didn’t like it much, as it gave her less warning of enemy approach, but it burned off as the sun rose higher in the sky. It was a beautiful day for our trip otherwise.

I had only been to Morgantown, which is a little north of us. We headed south, so everything I saw was a new experience. Colleen was sure to point out points of interest, and I found a nice patch of blackberries that I made a mental note to come back to. We picked enough for each of us to enjoy as we traveled.

The next town over from us is a small grouping of houses, a hardware store and a Red Rocket station along the river. I didn’t see a sign remaining that told us the name. Maybe it never had one, as people there likely commuted to Morgantown or even Charleston before the war. There were a lot of scorched, but Colleen quickly dispatched them. I wanted to check out the hardware store to see if there was anything useful, but Colleen said she’d been in there previously and there wasn’t much left, so we pressed on.

We weren’t on the road much longer before we came to a small town called Helvetia. Colleen said we’d stay the night there, in the old hotel. According to the historical marker near the bridge over the river, the town was founded by German and Swiss immigrants who were craftsmen and artisans in 1869! I was amazed it was still standing. It is the cutest town with its German themed shops! Along with the hotel, there was a community hall that looked to be a meeting or dance hall, a church, a Honey Haus, Cheese Haus, post office and Freya’s Haus Restaurant. I especially loved the museum, where a few old Civil War costumes were still on display. I would guess because they were very delicate and almost falling apart from neglect they that were never looted. There was a dress that was long and had such a full skirt, with long sleeves and what looked like lace detailing at the neckline. We tried to imagine having to wear such a thing and how heavy it must weigh with all that fabric!

Colleen thinks there were settlers here until very recently, since this place looked to be abandoned recently. There was still dishes on the table and moldy food in the kitchen of the restaurant and some instruments left at the bandstand by the river. Most buildings looked as if someone had just stepped away. It was a mystery since this town seemed very suitable for a settlement.

We passed on the moldy food, but picked some Starlight berries and made a nice cobbler with dry goods at the restaurant. It was a very pleasant place to spend the evening watching the sun go down behind the mountain and hearing the river running under the bridge. That was until we heard the unmistakable sound of the scorched. “When you hear ‘Not Us’, assume they’re talking about you, and not in a welcoming way”, Colleen said as she reached for her rifle. She told me stay put in the restaurant, and I could hear some movement outside. Shortly, the movement stopped and Colleen was back. “It was just a few, but I’ll keep watch regardless tonight. Guess we solved the mystery of the missing townsfolk. I’m really glad we’re getting you vaccinated soon.” Colleen was grim when she said this. Those burned up, mindlessly wandering things were once people….people like us just trying to survive who caught an illness that affected their minds and bodies and changed them into monsters. I was glad I was getting vaccinated too.

The night was uneventful, and I woke early. Colleen was eager to get on the road again, so we had a little breakfast and packed up our gear. It was warmer than the day before and being on the road so close to the mountain meant fewer trees to shade us. As we got further from Helvetia, the landscape softened and we had some shade again. Still following the river, the road took us past an old water treatment plant. There were large tanks still full of rank water that we could smell long before we saw it. I was just wondering why no one had come along and drained the things when suddenly we heard a robotic voice saying things I couldn’t understand. Colleen told me to duck down and I followed her to a tree that could shield us from being seen from the plant.

“There’s Liberators inside the fence. I’m not sure if they can get out, but they’ll be able to shoot their lasers this far. We must have alerted them. They’re looking for us.” Colleen told me as we crouched behind the tree. She had her rifle at her side and I wondered if I should pull out my shotgun. Colleen waved me back. “They think it’s a false alarm now. We’re okay as long as we move slowly and quietly.” “Wait, you understand what they’re saying? It sounds like gibberish!” I whispered loudly to her. Colleen turned and winked at me. “It’s Chinese. Dad taught me years ago. I’m rusty, but I remember enough.” “Hold on, Papa knew Chinese? Why?” I was shocked. How did I never know this? “All the military officers had to learn. Remember there was a war in Dad’s time and the threat of more Chinese attacks on America. Which obviously happened, but I guess knowing Chinese wasn’t real helpful, was it?” She smiled sardonically, and I just nodded. I was reminded how little I must know of the family I spent everyday of my life with in a two room suite in Vault 76. No wonder Colleen still considered me a naive child.

Colleen started moving along the tree line, crouched low and moving slowly, watching where she stepped. She motioned me to follow. We did this until we were clear of the plant. I was glad when she said we were out of danger, because my back was starting to ache from the awkward crouching. We walked in silence, me lost in thought as I wondered what else I’d learn about my parents and sister, and Colleen keeping watch for danger.

As the sun was getting low in the sky and our shadows were lengthening beside us, we saw another town coming into view. Colleen said it was Summerville, and that we’d stop here for the night. “There’s Blood Eagles in town, and I’d rather not try to get around them in the dark. They are the nastiest of the Raider groups I’ve come across.” There were houses on both sides of the river in Summerville. Some were boarded up, but some were open, again as if someone had just stepped out of them. “Are there Scorched here, too?” I asked her. Colleen shook her head. “I’ve never seen them here, but there’s some wicked overgrown crabs down near the riverbed. We should be fine if we stay near the road. Here, I’ve stayed in this house a couple times. It should still be safe.” Colleen led the way to a smallish house on the edge of town. Inside was a living room and kitchen area, with bedrooms upstairs, like any other house. What made my mouth drop was that every shelf, surface and stair had piles of books on them. Books were everywhere.

“Colleen, why did you never tell me there was a library outside the Vault?” I was grabbing titles and scanning pages. “It’s not a library, really, just someone’s collection. Someone who really loved books, I guess.” She said as she picked one up, glanced at the title and set it down again. “Hey, Col, how about I keep watch tonight and you get some rest?” I offered, keeping my eyes on the pages of the book I held. “Well, just make sure you don’t get so involved in those books that you aren’t listening outside. It should be safe enough though, so call me if you need me. I’ll be upstairs. Have fun with this mess.” She shook her head as she climbed the stairs. I found a lantern, lit it and curled up on the ratty couch. I flipped through some books on the coffee table, choosing one. I was just finishing the last chapter when I heard Colleen coming down the stairs. “Okay, bookworm, we need to get going soon.” Colleen said as she was opening cabinet doors in the kitchen, hoping to find some coffee or tea. “Sure, I’m almost finished with this one, but I want to grab a few to take with me.” I said as I hastily finished the last paragraph. I started selecting books I wanted to take with me. “Whoa, remember you have to carry those to Charleston, then home again, and they’re going to get really heavy after awhile.” Colleen had a point. I had a stack. I tried to narrow it to just three books. In the end I chose four. “I know, I’ll regret this later.” I grinned at Colleen. She shook her head. “Here, give me the food. I guess I can help lighten your load some.”

We left the house and walked along the river for a bit, then Colleen cut through the houses to the river and we climbed down the rocky slope to cross to the other side hopping on some large rocks. “The crab things are more upstream. Crossing the river avoids downtown, where the Blood Eagles hang out.” Colleen explained. We climbed up the other side, which was made more awkward by my heavy backpack, but it got easier once we were back on pavement. “This road goes into Charleston, along what used to be Summerville lake.” Colleen pointed ahead. “Used to be? Did you rename it?” I teased. Colleen just shrugged. “I’ll let you decide.”

The sun was shining directly down on us and my backpack was starting to dig into my shoulders. Soon, I saw what Colleen must have been talking about. Summerville lake was a field of dried, cracked mud. “Wow, did the lake just evaporate?” I asked. Colleen answered, “It was drained. Apparently the lake was formed when a dam was built closer to Charleston. This area flooded and became the lake. Apparently there was a town that was under water until the lake drained. Now it’s overrun with Super Mutants.” Colleen stopped at what was probably the bank of the lake. We looked out over the vast lake of mud. If was the closest thing I’d seen to a wasteland since we left the Vault. “Come on, we’ll keep on the road. That lakebed is too open.” Colleen started down the road that formed to the right away from downtown Summerville. “We should be at the apartment this afternoon if we don’t run into any issues.”

We continued down the road, past some old vacation cabins that must have been nice when the lake was there. Then we passed some docks and boat houses that extended out over nothing now that the lake was gone. There were some Scorched wandering about, but they didn’t notice us up on the road. Coming around a bend, I saw what looked to be a broken dam. “Oh, Col! Do you think that dam just failed from age or lack of upkeep?” Colleen stopped, looking over the ruined dam. “No, it was destroyed by Raiders. Nuked it. Some act of revenge for the capture and killing of the leader’s girlfriend.” I stared at her. “But all those people….How do you know all this?” Colleen just shrugged. “Lot of terminals and holotapes out there with bits of the story. You can fill in the blanks pretty well by looking at the mess in Charleston. Come on, we’ll be there soon.”

Colleen got us to her apartment without running into any locals. She’s learned the routes to take that will avoid those areas. I’m excited to check the big city out! The capital building is stunning, even after all this time. I’d seen pictures of the famous gold dome, but seeing it shining in the late afternoon light was surreal.

The apartment is more like a penthouse on the rooftop of a stately brick building that housed some businesses and a cafe. It’s a lot of glass, and in amazingly good shape. It’s just a one bedroom loft, and already furnished. We were both so tired when we got in, that we just crashed for the night. We decided to take the day to rest before heading to AVR medical center for my vaccine.

It’s been a nice lazy day with time to write and record our journey. I’m almost overwhelmed by everything I’ve seen the last few days. It’s a big world out there for this Vault kid, and it’s been amazing!

More soon,

Mags

#fallout #fiction #gaming #journal

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prep4tomoro · 2 years ago

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Are "Preppers" Whack Jobs?

Zealots and extremists exist for every opinion in the world. Outsiders look at these and twirl their finger around their temple to gesture "CraaaZeee". In most cases, it's really a matter of perception, not fact. Animals store things, and humans get insurance, to prepare for hard times. In the volatile world in which we live, maybe the real Whack Jobs aren't those who plan but those who fail to plan. I don't consider myself an extreme prepper but some of my acquaintances consider some of what I do and say "gibberish". Time will tell when SHTF. Boy Scout Before Prepper: I grew up in a very rural area. I was in the cub scouts and boy scouts; in fact, my entire family participated in scouting. The Boy Scout Motto is "Be Prepared" and I have taken that literally. Like most of you, I have experienced unexpected, unpleasant events. Life happens; dangers and joys. But, whatever happens, I prepare to survive the next occurrance with less surprise and panic. My usual post-event response is to prepare so that, if a similar event occurs, I will not be as affected by it the next time. I evaluate what happened, how it played out and what I could have done to deal with it better. Then I plan and acquire what's needed for that event. This process has served me well with power outages, food shortages, water contamination/loss and other, then-unexpected, events. I really didn't consider the term "prepper" until a friend brought it up in a conversation we were having about solar panels/power. After that conversation, I started to envision, and plan/prep for, scenarios that I haven't yet experienced. I believe that many who experience an emergency event focus of getting through it but never learn from it. A "prepper-type" person not only learns from the experience but takes action to deal with the "next emergency". I believe I have that prepper thought process because of my family, scouting and rural-life background; things were not readily available to me anytime I needed something. Many times, I needed to think on my feet and create solutions. I don't consider my emergency preparation activities to be an obsession but a precaution; proactive vs. reactive. To save money and sanity, I try to temper my emergency preparations to things, I consider, a bit more realistic; things that I have witnessed and experienced (like major, long-term, power outages in extreme temperatures) and others that seem, to me, to indicate something is heading down a bad road that could get ugly (just listen/watch the news for any length of time). There have been near-pandemic outbreaks; active shooter situations are not that uncommon and there is always a war somewhere in the world. To think "that won't happen here", and not prepare, seems unrealistic and irresponsible. We have insurance, locks and alarm systems to protect against the obvious. But, those "obvious" threats are not the limits of our risks. People get blind sided all the time by things that weren't that obvious. Quite honestly, I don't want to survive a major, cataclysmic, earth shattering event but if I have no choice, and I do manage to survive, to what extent will I be prepared? I'm thinking that there is just so much the average person can pack away in storage. After that, and if the emergency lingers, basic survival techniques need to kick in. Beware of the [Violent] Marauding/Rogue Prepper: Close friends, I've tried to convince to prep, tell me they will just come to my house if something happens. I tell them, they better bring lots of supplies with them and be prepared to work. I know/heard of others that say they will just take from, even kill, others to get what they want. These are people I consider "Whack Jobs". If they are serious when they say this, they have already prepared (not in a nice way) to steal and/or take a life. They have no conscience, mo morals, no soul. Someone in your own "trusted group" could be one of them. That's why it's so important to keep quiet about your preps and to watch out for, and be ready to defend yourself against, anyone you really don't know because they could be this kind of person. One episode (The Marauders) of the "Doomsday Preppers" TV series features one group with such an agenda; to conduct home invasions to get supplies after a societal breakdown. While some of the comments, for this YouTube video, poo-poo this guy and may be entertaining, in a real/serious SHTF senerio, these kinds of people will exist. Be prepare for them in your mind and your defenses. Related Resources: (Dr. Phil) Prepped to Survive: Prepared or Paranoid? Learn to Think Outside the Box Brain Prepping for Your Worst Case Scenario Prepper vs. Survivalist; Which are You? If preppers become marauders, then what? Marauding to survive? How to Deal With the Unprepared (Non-Preppers) Prevent and Survive a Home Invasion [Author's Reference Link]

[11-Cs Basic Emergency Kit] [14-Point Emergency Preps Checklist] [Immediate Steps to Take When Disaster Strikes] [Learn to be More Self-Sufficient] [The Ultimate Preparation] [P4T Main Menu]

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tiressian · 1 year ago

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Everyone who's ever gone to drinks with Shoko knows it takes a lot for her to get plastered. Tonight, Satoru notes that not only is there a sudden concerted effort on her part, but that it started the minute she returned from the bathroom. Part of him wonders if it’s work-related. The other, deathly afraid of vulnerability part of him wonders if he's gone too far with the innuendos, if he's toed right over the line into being a creep.

He doesn't get a chance to pry. Between long swigs of spirits, Shoko's also shovelling down food like she's auditioning to be the next Kirby. You'd think she's never had a meal in her life at the speed at which she scarfs it all down, tiny bits of dipping sauce splashing onto the corners of her mouth as she eats her way through the table. It's disgusting and so not like Shoko: she’s usually so reserved, usually takes little dainty bites, 'chews like she has a secret,' as the saying goes—but today she’s fired up about who knows what and it is a sight to behold. Anomalies have always fascinated Satoru and he's as content to watch this one play out without interfering as much as he's curious about determining the root cause.

Like watchin’ a test dummy drive a car into a wall, a car crash in slow motion.

…a really messy, really nice, really caring car crash, who cares way too much about other cars to her own detriment, Satoru thinks, planting his chin in his fist and smiling.

When said car crash turns her deadpan gaze to the tray of chicken skewers in front of him, he happily relinquishes it, sliding it right over with a gentle nudge of Red. Another whiskey sour follows when she struggles to reach it and he watches her clean off a skewer before using it to pick her teeth afterwards. He hates her drinking habits, but it's the closest thing she has to a happy place and knowing that there aren't enough of those in their line of work makes it harder to begrudge her for it. Her liver’s probably indestructible with that reversed cursed healing, anyway.

“Sheesh, Doc, save some for the rest of us,” Satoru teases. Shoko’s only response is to continue on as if she hasn’t heard him. Satoru laughs and signals one of the servers over, inwardly heaving a sigh.

This is the hell he's been living in for the past five months.

…

He tells himself it's months because admitting that he came to terms a lot earlier—ergo: wallowed in realisation a lot longer is—not sad, per se, but embarrassing. Maybe a little pathetic. He’s the Six Eyes: he’s the last person who should ever be caught off guard by sudden changes in the playing field; he’s supposed to see them coming.

Not to mention he once bragged about being omniscient one time, but that’s a secret between him and a dead man.

…

So, this thing, what it is, that he’s started. It's attention that’s veered into obsession, really, a thought experiment gone awry.

They’re at war. There isn't any moment that Satoru's awake that he's not thinking about war. Not so much the fighting, though he does think about fighting a fair amount; the fact that war may be the only connective tissue between him and Shoko. Outside of that, they don't really talk, don't really hang—not to the level that he and Suguru used to. It’s all business: little soldier boy, little soldier girl, lining up behind their predecessors for their turn in the bloody centrifuge. It’s war, in all its revolving tornado of grief and zero catharses that jujutsu sorcerers are destined to have their lives swept up in until they die. It occurs to him that he never talks to her unless it's dire, unless it’s about someone they knew who died and she never seems like she's being put out when she helps him out.

…

So. He's thinking about the war when it happens.

It’s Sunday evening, the last day of summer and thinking about war will keep him from thinking about the heat. He’s in his head about whether he’d die old or on the battlefield, whether he’d die alone or surrounded by friends, not just allies. He taps deep enough, and thinks hard enough that the power of the Six Eyes stirs, rushes to calculate an answer, and he finds himself perceiving an entire reality free of curses. Not a hypothetical, theoretical imagining; a real-life parallel verse where cursed energy does not exist.

It’s a window between worlds and he’s on the outside looking in. There's a barrier he feels brushing up against his fingertips, like invisible silicone that hardens and starts to turn opaque at the slightest application of pressure. The first time he discovers this world, he eases off on the barrier and just observes. ‘Learn the rules before you break them,’ as his motto goes.

He sees Other!Him first. Not to toot his own horn, but Other!Him is a real stand-up guy. He's still a teacher minus the prestige of a family name, but he doesn’t let it stop him from railing against bureaucracy, or making as many meaningful connections in service of that goal as he does enemies. He’s the guy with over a thousand friends on whatever social media app he has an account on, sheesh, he’s even got a LinkedIn. Outside of teaching, Other!Him spends his time protesting something or canvassing people on the street, getting them to sign his petition. He’s even got his students doing the same. He knows he's attractive and he uses that to draw people in. Hey if it works, it works.

Other!Geto is also there, very much alive and supportive—albeit in that same sanctimonious way that is just classic Geto, who accuses Other!Him of being a cult leader, taking advantage of the hero worship these kids have to get ahead. Other!Geto’s still got that relentless work ethic, channelling it towards studying under a Michelin-star chef to become one of the greats. He smiles in this curseless world like there's joy to be tasted in the air. It’s the kind of infectious happiness that has Satoru contemplating replacing Other!Him on one of their Okinawa trips because they look like they get up to a lot of fun.

All in all, it's satisfying and cathartic to see Suguru smile, to know there exists a world where he can be truly happy in. Satoru's tempted to pack it up and call it a day—

—and then he sees Other!Shoko.

He wasn't even thinking about her, honestly, the barrier simply rippled while Other!Him and Other!Geto were planning this year’s trip to Okinawa, and suddenly Satoru's in a different part of Tokyo, watching some woman lock her apartment door.

When she turns, he clicks that it's Shoko he's staring at, and comparing her to the Shoko he does know is a new way of seeing her. The way Other!Shoko carries herself isn’t so resigned, like there’s an invisible leash dragging her this way and that. She strides resolutely right through him with her chin raised, strong. Her mole is on the wrong side. She wears crisp silk blouses tucked into cute A-line skirts. Her heels click against the pavement in a different rhythm to Shoko, faster, more upbeat and purposeful, her handbag bumping against her hip as she hurries to catch her train. She’s a paediatrician working in a family clinic, and the kids love her deadpan humour. The kids’ parents, not so much, but it’s the only place where they sit still and listen because they won’t get a lollipop if they don’t, so they keep coming.

The shape of this Shoko’s soul is lighter; as light as any soul can be without the weight of their friends' deaths sitting on her conscience. She smiles and she laughs—in a way that is almost alien to Satoru—and she wears her hair long and loose, kinda wavy at the ends, soft in a way that invites one to touch. That’s the thing about this Shoko. She looks soft. She wears the same shade of lipstick that the Shoko he knows does, but that, coupled with the deadpan humour are the only swatches of familiarity he sees.

The Shoko Satoru knows is tempered steel, layers of resilience folded over and over, giving nothing away. If there is softness, it’s jealously guarded behind a polite smile reinforced by professionalism. If there was softness, it's because curses have surely eroded it to near non-existence. Nothing good lasts in their world—it exists, sure, but never for long.

Satoru observes Other!Shoko go about her day, waiting to see how she fits in with Other!Him and Other!Geto. He watches her walk up to them, only to mutter an 'excuse me' so they can move out of her way. Other!Him doesn’t miss a beat as he shuffles aside, still talking logistics with Other!Geto. Satoru scratches his head as he processes. Other!Shoko is not a factor, barely even a presence in Other!Him and Other!Geto's lives, doesn’t know them; never even met them.

Other!Shoko’s alone, but happy in a way that Satoru’s never seen the Shoko he knows to be, never known her to be capable of, to be frank.

And it gets him wondering if the reason behind her happiness is out of a lack of curses, or a lack of him. With Suguru, it's pretty clear what that distinction was.

…

And now for a little research.

He catches Shoko right as she’s returning from her morning break en route to the Morgue, half-drunk coffee in hand while she checks her phone in the other. He has to blast a gentle Red her way to get her attention because her earphones are in. Just enough that she feels the gust in her face.

“Yes?” Shoko asks, taking out one earphone and peering up at him. Her fringe is dishevelled but she doesn't move to smooth it down.

Sheesh, Satoru thinks, wincing. Having observed Other!Shoko for so long, the dark circles on this Shoko are a glaring contrast. He almost feels bad for stealing some of her sleeping time. He should think up another time to do this.

“Yo. You free tonight?” he asks instead.

“Post-mortem?”

“Nah.” Shoko’s eyebrows raise a little at that, so he elaborates: “Been meanin’ to thank ya for Yuji. Heard the higher-ups weren't too uh…"

"They weren't."

"How bad?"

“Back-to-back night shifts for the next month and a half."

"Shit."

"Also cut my pay."

“Son of a bitch.”

Shoko just yawns. “Did they cut yours?"

“Got halved when Yuta joined us. Yuji pushed them to take the rest, so I'm basically volunteering at this point.”

“Mm. Not like you need the money,” Shoko says, swirling her coffee idly. Satoru shrugs. “I think I would’ve ended up rostered regardless.”

“Why? They pickin' on ya coz of me?”

“Ken retired.”

That’s neither a ‘yes’ nor a ‘no’, but he can see her eyes darting to the rest of the path to the Morgue over his shoulder.

"Right. Shit, about time, what is he like, five billion years old, give or take?"

Shoko's mouth tugs. “Eighty-two,” she replies. “I really have to get going. What did you have in mind for tonight?”

“Nothin’ big, just dinner n' drinks. My shout. You can choose the place."

“Is anyone else coming?"

Satoru counts off his fingers. "Hmm. You, me... Ijichi, maybe Nanamin if he’s not doing OT. Oh, and Yuki’s in town, so we might see her. Or we might not. She read my text and didn’t do anything with it after that.”

“Probably busy.”

“Probably. Anyway, yeah. We'll get together, chill out, shoot the shit, decompress, eat some good food.”

Shoko nods. “Count me in then.”

“Awesome, text me the deets ya cool cat. I’ll let the others know.”

Shoko tucks her earphone back into her ear and walks off without a backward glance, eerily reminiscent of Other!Shoko brushing past Other!Him and Other!Geto and for some inexplicable reason it rankles.

…

Ijichi and Yuki are no-shows. (He’s pretty sure he heard Yuki’s Harley speeding past outside, though.) Nanami joins them for dinner, and Shoko drinks him under the table. Satoru snaps a picture of the sleeping Nanami to tease him about later while Shoko nibbles on a chicken wing, silently judging him for it.

“Soo,” Satoru drawls, turning his attention back to her. He picks up a yakitori skewer and chews, studying her expression. It’s really hard not to think about Other!Shoko, the vibrant contrast between the two. Other!Shoko can get it. This Shoko…looks too tired to contemplate getting it.

“Mm,” Shoko says. No intonation, whatsoever. She replaces her empty chicken wing for a fresh one and bites into it while Satoru tops up her beer with Nanami's. "Thanks."

"No prob. So listen. If we lived in a world with no curses…”

“A thought experiment?”

“Sure. You think you’d ever leave home for Tokyo?”

It is disconcerting how lucid Shoko’s gaze is, boring a hole right through his blindfolds. You wouldn't guess that she's had seven beers and counting. Satoru’s chewing slows and he swallows. Out of nervousness or necessity, he can’t tell in that moment.

“Yes.”

And she says it so decisively. “Why?”

“There's no work back home.”

Satoru stares at her, dismayed. “I can’t believe you still think about ‘work.�� It's another universe, Shoko. You can do whatever you want.”

“Well you didn’t say that I won the lottery. No work, no eat,” Shoko says.

"Do you think we'd meet in that other world?"

Shoko chews for a bit as she mulls it over. "Not unless we work together, I don't think."

Satoru's mind instantly flashes to Other!Shoko brushing past Other!Him and Suguru. "Why do you say that?"

"The only reason we even know each other is because of work. So it wouldn't make sense for us to, right?"

"You don't think we'd work together?"

Shoko puts down her empty wing and cleans her hands with a wipe before picking up her chopsticks. Satoru watches her study the plates of food still remaining, opting for a potato croquette.

"Definitely not," she says eventually.

"What makes you think that?”

“Well, if I have to think about another universe I’ve got to have a basis for comparison, right?”

“Right.”

“So our world is dangerous and that other world is ‘less’ dangerous, right?”

Satoru immediately doesn’t like where this is going but he nods.

“Yeah, it’s still a ‘no’.”

Having worked at the school for so long with her—sure they aren’t thick as thieves, but that doesn’t make it feel less than a bucket of ice water to the face.

“Why ‘no’? Sick of me already?”

"I could never be sick of you, Gojo—"

Satoru touches his heart and shuffles on his knees to hug her, arms stretched out wide. "Aww, you're so sweet, that means so—"

"Being 'sick' would imply an overabundance of you, which isn't the case, is it?" Shoko finishes, and Satoru overbalances, falling onto his side on the tatami. Shoko snorts but when he glances back, her expression has regressed back to its impassive state. If he didn’t know any better, he’d swear she was doing everything in her power to avoid smiling at him.

He straightens, pouting. "That's mean. You're mean," he declares while Shoko drinks. "I can't believe I'm paying for you to eat and be mean."

“And drink,” Shoko adds.

“And drink.”

"I suppose listening to the truth can come across as 'mean' if you're not used to it."

"I hear the 'truth' all the time I'll have you know." I just elect to—

"Hearing's not the same as listening."

Drat. Perceptive as ever. Satoru sees her eyeing the plate of gyoza and deliberately empties all of it into his mouth, munching vengefully. Shoko makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a chuckle, but he can’t see her face because she’s turned away to wave down a server.

…

He walks Shoko to her room after they drop off Nanami. He steals a box of truffles from Nanami’s fancy apartment as compensation and munches on them while he and Shoko make their way through the corridors. When they reach her door she pauses after turning her key in the lock.

“I try not to think about it,” she says, quietly. There’s a vulnerability in her voice that he’s not used to hearing, clearly brought to the surface by the alcohol swimming in her bloodstream. She doesn’t look at him.

Satoru quickly swallows the two truffles he’d stuffed in his mouth. Nothing says ‘I don’t care’ like talking with your mouth full.

“Think about what?”

Shoko’s fingers close over her door handle, knuckles crackling as she squeezes. “About being stuck here.”

“Stuck?” He tilts his head. “Watcha mean ‘stuck’?”

“I’m here and not ‘out there’ because I’d be dead otherwise. But you…you’re here because you choose to be. So I think… in a world where I have a choice, that’s a world where our paths don’t cross. I can’t see you willingly working where I’d choose to work. I’d have a boring 9 to 5, one of those office jobs. That’s anathema to you.” Shoko finally glances over her shoulder at him, both her eyes glassy. She yawns hugely and Satoru gets a strong whiff of alcohol in his face, but he barely registers it, barely even registers her saying ‘good night’ before she closes the door on him.

“Hmph,” Satoru says, tossing another truffle in his mouth and chewing determinedly. “Wanna bet?”

This is how it starts.

…

It takes some finagling but Satoru manages to figure out a way around the barrier…ish. He can't gain a steady foothold in the other world, because his body starts glitching out the moment his presence is registered, white blood cells swarming to the site of infection. He manages a maximum of two seconds before the blistering migraine starts and he has to tap out. Oh well. Two seconds is more than ample time to exert some influence.

Other!Shoko and Other!Him catch the same train, so that's the starting point. In the downtimes between exorcisms and training the First Years, he meditates on the Other-Verse, lies in wait for the right time to pounce. It’s easier for Satoru to shadow Other!Him, than Other!Shoko; this reality seems to have a lag in distinguishing local from intruder.

…

Gojo is slumped over on both arms and groaning when Geto takes his seat across from him at their usual table by the windows, every bit the wilted flower. Outside, the hustle and bustle that is the lifeblood of Tokyo flows on, people talking on their phones or to each other as they cross the streets, passersby and tourists squinting through the café windows as they go.

“You, look like hammered shit,” Geto declares. A girl arrives and sets their coffees down, including a chocolate croissant on the house. Geto briefly glances up to thank her and waves to the café owner behind the counter before he starts poking Gojo’s arm. “Yo. What happened?”

“Fuckin’ head hurts.”

“Finally picked up the bottle?” Gojo peeks up at Geto, deadpan. Geto holds up his hands. “Hey, just checking. Invite would’ve been nice.”

“Didn’t drink,” Gojo says, pushing himself upright and picking up his coffee. “Still don’t. But I think I’m going insane.”

“Insane?” Geto repeats, sipping his coffee. He pushes the croissant over to Gojo. “Insane how? You getting pressure from the board again?”

“No more pressure than I’m used to. It’s more like…when you think,” Gojo says, “do you hear yourself saying the words in your head or is it just information?”

“Second option.”

“Yeah, that was me too. I don’t usually narrate every part of my life. But now, all of a sudden I’m hearing things in my head.”

“So like intrusive thoughts?”

“No. Those would make sense at least. I’m hearing me. But it’s not me. Fuck, I think I’m being haunted. Think I did some bad juju in a past life.”

“Yeah…” Geto says slowly. “What kinds of things you hearing?”

“Fuckin’ weird shit. ‘Idiot, you got on too soon!’ ‘Try again tomorrow.’ ‘Two seconds, two seconds.’ ‘There! Look!’ ‘What are ya, blind?’”

“What the hell,” Geto says flatly. “Is that a constant thing? When did that start?”

“Couple ‘a weeks ago. Seemed to only happen after work, when I’m walking to the station. Thought I was half asleep the first time. And there’s this name I keep hearin’:’Shoko, Shoko, Shoko!’ Over and over. It gets so loud and then suddenly it’s quiet again, and I can go about my day.” Gojo takes a bite out of the croissant and chews, his grumpy expression changing to curiosity as he studies the pastry. “Shit, that’s a good croissant. Want some?”

“Nah. So who’s Shoko?” Geto’s eyebrows wag up and down. He nudges Satoru’s shoe under the table. “Ooh, hot co-worker? You dog, holding out on me.”

“No clue. There’s no Shoko’s at the school.”

“One night stand?”

Gojo gives him a blank look.

“Well shit,” Geto says. “You should see someone about that. I know a guy you can talk to.”

“I’m already talking to a guy. Why do you think I called you here?” Gojo says.

Geto heaves a sigh, shedding his jacket.

…

Satoru grins as Shoko comes to a stop before him at the bench, patting down her fringe. He’d been a bit enthusiastic with Red, admittedly, but Shoko seems to roll with it. He wonders if she has a threshold before she starts getting annoyed. One experiment at a time, he decides.

“Yo! Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!” He greets, tipping an imaginary hat.

Shoko doesn’t sit, nor does her expression change, continuing to stare blankly at him. “What do you want?”

“Juuust makin’ sure you’re comin’ tonight.”

“First Years finally realise how uncool you are?”

Satoru’s grin doesn’t falter at the jibe. “No, they still love me. And, not that it matters, but I’ve transcended ‘cool.’”

“Uh-huh.”

“Although,” Satoru muses, tapping his chin, “it has been strongly hinted that I should hang out with people my own age.”

“Hmm, no, I believe Nanami was explicit in the group chat. ‘Child is as child does’ is what he said,” Shoko says and Satoru bristles.

“Well, whatever, I’ve decided to make it a weekly thing since he’s soo concerned. So. You’re coming right? We need a referee.”

“Could’ve just texted.”

“And miss out on the sunshine? This bench is hot property this time of year! Practically ran here to beat the rush.”

Shoko turns on her heel and starts walking.

“That’s not a ‘no’!” Satoru calls, grinning at her back. His watch beeps and he straightens up on the bench, crossing his legs. He takes a deep breath and focuses, preparing to take the leap.

Showtime.

…

Look!

It’s a little after 7 p.m. Gojo’s head is splitting as he staggers into the train car, barely capable of taking in his surroundings. He bumps into someone, and mutters an apology through gritted teeth as lightning crackles between his eyes, gripping the overhead hand strap like a lifeline.

Look!

“Fuck off,” Gojo mutters, even as someone’s hand closes over his arm. He tries to shake them off. “Fuck off, you’re not real, you’re not real. Fuckin’ losing’ it.”

Shoko! Shoko! Fuckin’ idiot, look!

“Shut up! Shut the fuck—”

“Gojo?” An unfamiliar voice asks tentatively.

Gojo glances up, and the pain dissipates the moment his eyes meet and fall into a sea of warm brown. “Shoko?”

The woman’s eyes widen. That’s as confirmation as any but Gojo isn’t sure if he should feel relief or dread, because if this is all some horrible hallucination—

The train comes to a stop.

The woman loses balance, stumbling forward from the weight of the crowd crush pushing her from behind. Gojo has enough brain cells to open his arms in time to catch her as she goes face-first into his chest, relief washing over him at how solid the body in his arms feels. She smells like Christmas in a bottle: cinnamon and cardamom wafting in the air around him—two distinct spices he’s come to know from watching Geto work. He helps her upright again, giving her his hand strap while he shifts slightly back to hang on to a different one.

They study each other. It’s weird; he’s never seen this woman before in his life, yet an inexplicable familiarity exists about her that puts him at ease. He has a feeling she’s thinking the same thing. Her phone rings, but she doesn’t immediately move to answer.

“Thanks,” she says.

“No problem.”

“So this is going to sound insane…” she hesitates, and Gojo’s sure it’s probably because he’s smiling a little too widely. “Actually, no, it’s stupid—”

“Try me.”

“Could I see your ID?”

“Only if I can see yours.”

She produces a hospital ID attached to a lanyard while Gojo retrieves his work ID from the inside of his blazer pocket.

“Well shit,” Gojo says after the exchange. She really is Shoko. Doctor Shoko. And they’re the same age, a literal month apart.

“You’re a teacher,” Shoko says, handing his ID back. She looks pleased by it and something about that makes his ego swell. Gojo suddenly finds himself observing her a little more closely.

Come to think of it, she’s actually…kinda…

Gojo clears his throat, scattering that thought. It’s an observation, not even close to a compliment. Sheesh, get some standards my guy.

“Ah. Yeah. I am,” he says. “So how…”

“I heard you calling my name. In my head. But we’ve never met before…so how would you even know…it’s insane.”

“I’d say more strange than insane since I’ve heard your name in my head too.” The real insanity is that the voice is his, but no need to tell her that, Gojo thinks. “I think some strangeness is good—every once in a while. Makes life interestin.’”

“But you know, I think I’ve seen you before,” Shoko says. Gojo’s eyebrows raise and she rolls her eyes. “That wasn’t a line. I meant outside the station with a clipboard?”

“Ah! Yeah, I got this petition goin’. Tryna put an end to all these stupid compulsory after-school clubs. Kids barely have enough time to do their homework, let alone sleep. It’s like we can’t wait to put them to work!”

“Oh, hard agree. Always hated those. Where do I sign?”

Gojo beams.

…

Shoko and Ijichi present a united front at that night’s catch-up, eyeing Satoru warily.

“What are you so smug about?” Shoko says while Ijichi tops up her glass of beer.

“It’s unsettling,” Ijichi agrees. “I think I’m about to get extra paperwork.”

Satoru grins at both of them through a mouthful of sashimi. “Relax, nothing’s happened, just havin’ a great week is all. You guys should try it.”

Shoko and Ijichi exchange glances.

“What?” Satoru says.

“Didn’t you have a meeting with the higher-ups?” Shoko asks.

“Ah, that was this afternoon.”

“And?” Ijichi gestures.

“Oh, it sucked. My week’s still intact though.” Satoru grins at their befuddled expressions and clinks his mocktail against Shoko’s beer. “Why the long faces? Eat up! Life’s good!”

And more importantly, I win, Satoru thinks, inwardly smirking as he watches Shoko drink.

…

Satoru leaves Ijichi curled up on his side on his couch and meets Shoko outside in the hallway, leaning against a wall with her eyes closed.

“You drunk, Ieiri?” He teases, walking up to her.

“No, but I think I ate too much,” she says, opening her eyes.

They walk in silence to her room. Satoru’s lost track of all the times he’s done it since the first catch-up. Adjusting to her much slower pace and shorter strides used to bug the hell out of him in the beginning. Now it feels almost meditative, being in quiet companionable silence together.

“Did they extend Yuuji’s sentence?” Shoko asks.

“No, why?”

“I was wondering why you were in a really good mood tonight.”

Satoru nudges her arm. “You remember that thought experiment we were talking about? Where if we were in a different world and you said we wouldn’t know each other unless it was for work?”

Shoko is quiet before she hums in affirmation. “I still stand by that.”

“Well what if I told you I saw that universe with my own two eyes?”

“I’d say I believe you did. What of it?”

“What if I told you that you were dead wrong?”

Shoko looks at him cynically. “Then I’d say that I’m only wrong because you found some way to make it so that I was.”

Damn it she’s on to me, Satoru thinks, both impressed and aghast. He nudges her again. “You’re still wrooong though.”

“So you did interfere,” Shoko says. “Aren’t you worried your interference could mess up the natural order of things in that world?”

Satoru’s smile thins. Shoko has a ghost of one on her face. The rest of their walk is swallowed up in silence as he cycles through the stages of grief—mostly between denial and bargaining, admittedly.

Shoko nudges him and he glances up from where his gaze has been boring a hole into the ground. Her door is unlocked, and if she isn’t drunk she has to be a little tipsy because she seems more concerned with consoling him, patting his arm like one would a disturbed child.

“Always one to ask if he ‘could’, but never if he ’should’,” she says with a soft chuckle.

“Hmph!” is Satoru’s best comeback to that. “Eh, I’m sure it’s fine; there’s no such thing as ‘world-ending friendships' anyway.’”

“As far as you know. I look forward to being wrong,” Shoko says.

She closes her door on him to make sure she gets the last word.

Cheeky.

He likes that.

to my cherished (inevitable downfall) - https://archiveofourown.org/works/48099712/chapters/121287535

Fandom: Jujutsu Kaisen Pairing: Satoru x Shoko Rating : T (may change later) Chapters: 1/3 Tags: Alternate Universes, Friends to Lovers, Other tags to be added

Summary:

In which Satoru fucks around, finds out, and is fervently glad he did. Alternatively; to my significant (b)other told from Satoru's POV

#cross posting #my fic #we have a long weekend here in nz #ill be working on part 2 then #:)

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thesquishcloud · 2 years ago

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GhostSoap HCs because Im procrastinating :)

Ghost:

-Autism -stims mostly with his hands; loves fidget toys and anything with a bumpy/rough texture -hums a lot also -loves routines, but is ok going without them considering his lifestyle -religiously cleans/takes care of his guns though, and gets paranoid about them malfunctioning if he doesnt -safe food is bacon and eggs -Disassociates a lot; ends up death staring at people by accident and gives people nightmares -has nightmares -talks in his sleep, but only giberish -gets unreasonably happy when someone tells him a good (terrible) joke he hadn’t heard before -will go nonverbal from extreme emotions (too much anger, sadness, happiness, etc)

Soap:

-has a notoriously good homelife; he doesn’t talk about it much becuase he doesnt want to make other people feel bad -never learned to cook becuase his mom always had it covered -can follow basic recipes though -probably has echolalia and will mimic anything anyone says at random -will also sing the same 5seconds of whatever song is stuck in his head and get it stuck in everyone else’s heads too -cries easily; has probably cried during every movie he’s ever watched, wheather is was sad, happy, etc -is also filled with unexplainable rage that he takes out on any enemy who gets close enough -fantastic at drawing -keeps a sketchbook filled with vent art to cope with the horrors of war -ADHD

GhostSoap:

-Ghost’s love language is acts of service, but Soaps is gift giving and words of affirmation -Ghost cant take a compliment to save his life though -Ghost does all the cooking, but Soap does all the cleaning -Soap is the little spoon, but he also sleeps on top of Ghost because he knows he likes the pressure -Soap draws Simon’s face at least once per day -sometimes he poses -no one is allowed to call Soap “Johnny” except for his family and Ghost -Price called him Johnny once and Ghost got so upset he never did it again -the only reason they started dating was becuase Alejandro thought they were so obviously together, he got offended on their behalfs when he found out they werent -gave Soap terrible advice to help him ask Ghost out -Soap asked Ghost out and cried when he said yes

#cod #call of duty #cod mw2 #ghost mw2 #soap mw2 #ghost/soap #ghost/soap hcs #headcanon #price also cried when he found out they were dating #proud dad moment tbh #often asks when the wedding is #thesquishcloud

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littlegingermochipie · 3 years ago

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anastasia au / アナスタシアバージョン zukaang week 2021 day four | ba sing se season 2 au / 平行宇宙

aang woke up under the control of dai li, while zuko and iroh lived in ba sing se three years after banishment. set as canon divergent version before crossroads of destiny. more of this story below the cut!

excuse my fuzzy brain for incoming plotholes maybe hehe yeah wow i love impulsiveness. anyway yeah sozin comet ain't comin until like, 120 AG-ish

zuko and iroh stopped searching for the avatar and peacefully worked under quon's patronage at ba sing se.

fortunately, due to their successful tea business, they found better access to knowledge of the avatar, as well as various air nomad's relics and textual informations. they decided to keep everything at their secret warehouse, hiring bands of thugs to keep it safe.

unbeknownst to iroh and zuko, four years before they lived as refugees, dai li was the first one to find aang in his iceberg state near eastern air temple.

hundred years ago, aang briefly fought against fire nation army at the temple alongside pathik, gyatso, the nuns, and several young monks. he was saved by pathik from dire situation by getting thrown into the ocean.

long feng planned to raise the boy as their secret weapon so earth kingdom could rise, taking down the fire nation.

upon woken up, aang was hypnotized, and could only remember that he's an orphan named liu jun, born as earthbender.

he was told that the markings on his skin was a curse since birth by angered spirits, and to never let other people see it or they'll be facing the consequences of his misfortune.

he lived like a bird in a cage under long feng's watch and the head of dai li's tutelage. for six years long, he felt horribly stressed.

one day, aang finally found a way to get out of his residence by tricking the caretakers, sneaking and riding on earth kingdom's logistic vehicles.

once he's out of the food supply cart, he found and saved momo from being sold by black market thugs in the lower ring. there, he stumbled upon zuko and iroh's secret warehouse.

zuko was mad for the intrusion, but quickly realized something about the boy's appearance. iroh, however, noticed that this liu jun has upper class upbringing, and concluded that he's one of the rebel child who wanted the taste of outer walls.

zuko just blatantly state the obvious; "kid, you really, really look like the avatar in that painting," but aang was like, "who's avatar?" and ended up being educated about hundred years war history.

aang felt shocked by the tattoos he saw on the painting. still, he quickly dismissed the idea that he might be a living airbender, since their tattoo was supposed to be a sign of mastery, not a curse like long feng said. he didn't tell this to iroh and zuko, yet.

"aish, you must be mad for ever thinking i'm the avatar. he should be an old man by now! i'm afraid of being near fire or under the water for too long, and i dislike being in cramped spaces with damp air. how am i supposed to bend those elements?" (those are also the mental issues resulted by long feng's braingwashing, ofc)

either way, he needed to hide from long feng. aang quickly sealed the deal to iroh's offer who gave him the chance to help their tea shop in the meantime. well, anything but being under dai li's supervision works.

for a week of working together, zuko had noticed a lot of strange things in aang; like how he could easily play kangling (air nomad's bone flute), how his footsteps were so light he almost can never be heard walking, and how he never want to bathe and get dressed with other people nearby.

in the hunt for aang, long feng sent royal guards to every corner of earth kingdom territory. finally, they found aang at the warehouse. chaotic pursuit ensues. iroh and zuko managed to save him—at the price of being labeled as criminals.

with the help of june, iroh and zuko found their way to their old ship and crews. they brought aang there, and asked who he actually was since he's so important for the dai li.

from zuko and iroh's research, the only living people who could confirm the avatar's identity was bumi, who's in omashu, and the temple sages. too much risk for those, ofc, so they opted to go to the empty eastern air temple for more hints.

there, they met pathik, who went, "monkey feathers! aang, is that you?" to which aang replied, "nah, i'm liu jun." and pathik's like, "but i can sense your avatar spirit! and-and your tattoos, let me look at it!" but aang was so, so afraid of showing it.

then, by nudging his inner ki, pathik managed to trigger the avatar state out of aang, causing him to remember everything, including his airbending ability.

zuko and iroh be like, "well, shit, he's really the avatar," and their journey went rather hellish from that, with both zhao's fleet and the dai li on their tail.

after being informed by pathik that he had bonded with an air bison named appa, aang wished he could find him, since appa's the only family that might remain alive with him in this world. zuko promised that they would find appa.

under the pretense of companionship, zuko secretly plotted to give aang to ozai, while he and iroh helped the boy to master four elements by travelling around the world.

feelings were hindering him on the way, though. months of travelling together did that. "i think we could be good friends, even in another lifetime, if not a hundred years ago." oof, aang.

just like dimitri and anastasia, zukaang had deep bonding session at the boat with their dancing dragon and firebending lessons. iroh did smile knowingly at them.

betrayal slapped hard when aang found out about zuko's actual plan during their fight against zhao at north pole, who revealed with, "you befriend this dishonored prince, avatar? all he wanted to do was to send you to the fire lord as a nicely wrapped gift! this was all a ploy to earn your trust, to take you down by knowing your exact blind spots! you are merely a tool for him to regain his former identity!"

ouch. they got separated from there. aang then teamed up with the eventually formed gaang at the other side of the world, while zuko getting scolded by iroh, "you don't only lose someone that you care about, but the hope of the whole world! your hope! hadn't the past three years taught you something? hunger for power only bring despair to you!"

both once separated parties then reunited with the crossroads episode. aang ended up dead, katara swore to finish the fire siblings off, and zuko went absolutely mad, drowned in grief.

it's up to zuko now, to actually fulfill his promises; from finding appa to saving the world from his father—all without knowing that katara could revive aang. angst angst angst, final boss, zukaang banging then everyone lived happily ever after ♥

the musical scores would be:

a rumour in ba sing se

once upon an agrahāyana

caldera holds the key to your heart

learn to wield it

learn to wield it (dancing dragon reprise)

in the dark of the moonless night

feels great to finally manifest this draft of zukaang anastasia au for @zukaangweek uwu

#zukaang #zukaang week 2021 #zukaang anastasia au #longer haired aang is life #yes yes shonen haircut #had too much fun with this #zuko #iroh #aang #pathik #aang fanart #zuko fanart #avatar: the last airbender

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nifolution · 3 years ago

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Letters 3

Warnings: Heartbreak, Angst, Manipulation, lies, threats, arguments, mentions of conception, allusion of smut

A/N: This is a revised copy of my oc fic. It is still written in 3rd person. Steve was rescued from the Valkyrie crash. He became a world hero and came back home with Peggy to start his life. No stealing, no reposts, no translations, no feeding to AIs. Comments, reblogs and likes are always welcome and appreciated.

Chapter 2 Series Masterlist Main Masterlist

Chapter 3

Steve didn’t dare return to Y/N’s apartment, but he continued seeing her at the Sunrise. Her anger didn’t last, although he had to suffer through cold eggs a few times. Regardless of his food’s temperature, he left large tips. If she wouldn’t take it, he’d slip the money into her apron when she wasn’t looking. Sometimes she would try to sneakily return the cash, which only resulted in him leaving her an even bigger amount.

Learning she was working late again, Steve decided to show up as the cafe was closing so he could make sure she got home okay. He watched her and another waitress tidy up the dining area. When the other woman left, Y/N stayed behind. Curious, he slipped in, careful not to ruin the wet floor. Steve walked into the back, and spotted her at the sink, washing dishes.

Y/N looked over her shoulder when she heard footsteps, rolling her eyes when she saw him. “You're not supposed to be back here.”

He offered a half smile at her attitude, “Where's the dishwasher?”

“Jerry went home early for his wife’s birthday. I'm filling in.”

Thinking better of it, he withheld a lecture about working late by herself and not locking the front door. Instead, he removed his jacket, rolled up his sleeves and began to help wash the large pile of dishes. She didn’t argue, meaning she was dog-tired. Steve was glad he could be here for her, keep her safe and get her home quicker. He smirked as she scratched her nose, leaving a streak of tiny bubbles on her face. Some things never change.

Y/N froze as Steve reached over to wipe the foamy trail off her, his feather light touch causing goosebumps down her body, like so many times in the past. She closed her eyes and pinched her lips together, pushing the feeling away. Blinking, she passed him the next glass, “If only the newspapers could see their Captain America now, washing dishes like us common folk."

“I used to help you all the time.”

“Yeah, but that was the old Steve. The new you probably gets waited on hand and foot.”

“Eh, not exactly,” Steve disagreed. “Peggy has an important job that keeps her away from home a lot. So most of the cooking and cleaning is left to me.” There was too much truth there, so many hours he spent alone trying to find something to do with himself. He did his best to keep the house in tip top shape, ready for company at a moment's notice, the way Peggy liked it. “Don't let that bit of classified information get around. I have an image to uphold,” he half joked. Steve watched Y/N from the corner of his eye, gauging her reaction. Her eyebrows furrowed, he couldn’t tell what was going on inside her head.

“You never used to care what others thought, only what was right.” She turned to him, concerned. Had he really changed that much.

He shrugged, “Things are different; I have duties, people need me. The pressure to be Captain America is there the moment I step out my front door. There's interviews, military events, upcoming recruiting tours,” his jaw hardened. “It's not enough that a war just ended, they want to prepare for the next one… autograph signings… laundromat openings.” Steve unsuccessfully tried to laugh it off. “Hell you witnessed it, I can’t even order coffee without someone shaking my hand or wanting me to sign something.”

Y/N didn't see the humor in it. “When do you get to just be Steve?”

How was he supposed to answer that? “That’s a good question.” Steve tried to find the right response. He exhaled, sounding defeated and bitter, “Not often enough… Who’s Steve anyway? There's only room for Captain America, I have to play the part.” His fists clenched under the soapy water. “After everything I'm back to being a dancing monkey. Only in a better uniform.”

A mischievous smile grew on her face, “I kinda liked the tights.” She laughed when he countered by flicking water at her. The rest of the job was completed in comfortable silence.

The air outside was considerably colder when they left the cafe. Due to the late hour, Steve offered her a ride. It wasn’t safe for her to travel alone. Y/N refused, it was only a few blocks and not the first time she had to walk at this time of night. It quickly became apparent that he was not taking no for an answer, so she compromised, he would walk her home.

He saw Y/N shove her shivering hands deep in her pockets, trying to keep the chill off them. She had forgotten her gloves. Steve took her hands, but she pulled away. “You don’t have to be so difficult all the time.” He once more covered her cold hands with his, brought them up to his lips and blew to warm them.

Y/N had thought there was no love left in her. Not for him nor anyone else. And yet the more he came around, the more she doubted. Feeling his familiar hot breath ghosting over her skin, she met his eyes and choked back a sob. She was fooling herself, she still loved him terribly.

As he escorted her, a group of men passed by. Steve put his arm around her protectively. He'd always been the strongest man she ever knew. His new muscles did not make a lick of difference in his behavior. Y/N allowed it for only a minute before shaking him off. It hurt too much to have him hold her so close.

Steve sighed at the rejection. “Do you remember when we met?” He smiled when she nodded. “I was about twelve years old and saw you being hassled by some boys. Honestly you were holding your own before I showed up, but I had to help. Couldn't walk away. They beat me up and stole my shoes before backing off.” He never regretted intervening, it was the right thing to do.

“And then you, ever the gentleman, walked me home. I felt so bad you were roughed up. I couldn't afford to buy you new shoes, so I made you new socks, seeing as how yours were ruined from taking me home. I should have made you two.”

“Hey, those socks kept me warm for a long time.” They became his favorite piece of clothing. He was completely taken with the girl with messy hair and fire in her eyes. The one who looked at him differently. His mom encouraged him for years to ask her out, but he kept finding excuses not to. He wished she was around to see him get the girl he pined after for so long. He wished she was there to help him through his first real heartbreak at Y/N’s hands.

She moved in closer, soaking up the heat emanating from him. “You were my hero, you deserved more.”

“I was no hero back then. Just a dumb kid, stunted and pathetic. No one saw me.”

“I did… So did Bucky and your mom.” It baffled her that he thought that way. Did he not feel loved by them? He was such a wonderful person, he had to know how cherished he was.

Steve scoffed, “Well they’re gone now. And you and I…” He looked away, “Well that didn't work out, did it.” Shit, he was getting hot under the collar. Breathing deeply he continued forward, trying to calm down.

No other words were spoken until they reached her apartment building. A question Y/N had wanted to ask him since his reappearance, “What happened over there, with Bucky? His sister refused to believe he was really gone because there wasn’t a body. His family buried an empty coffin.” She stopped before ‘and you weren't there’ left her mouth.

His face hardened, "He fell…” Steve’s voice became monotone, “I was ordered not to attempt recovery. It would have been a waste of manpower for a single soldier." Peggy convinced him it was a pointless waste of time and resources. That crying over the loss was an insult to his friend's memory. He doesn’t say that watching Bucky fall away from him, terrified and screaming, was the worst moment of his life. He won’t tell her how much he wished it was him instead.

Y/N couldn’t believe her ears. “That's not like you at all. It's not just a soldier, it's Bucky. He deserved to come home, have a proper burial. At least to give his family some closure. How could they just decide he wasnt worth finding?”

Steve stepped away from her, squaring his shoulders. She meant how could he decide that. “You wouldn't understand, you weren't there. It's my fault he's dead, is that what you want to hear? I put him there, I put him in danger and I couldn't protect him.” His anger morphed into sorrow as he spoke. His voice sounded tiny and broken, “I couldn't reach him. I couldn’t… All this strength and I couldn't hold onto him. You don't think I wanted to go back…. I didn’t want to leave him there.”

Her eyes were glassy as she reached out for him, trying to provide comfort. “Steve, I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I wasn't accusing you of anything, I swear. I know how much Bucky meant to you. I know you would have brought him home if you could. I’m sorry, I'm so sorry.” She rubbed his arm, waiting for a sign it was alright to hug him. Y/N regretted bringing it up, she had no idea that’s what happened and seeing Steve this distressed was like a stab to her own heart. “If you want to come upstairs and talk, I promise I'll listen?

He sniffed and took another step away. “Don't make me any promises. We both know you wont keep them.”

Y/N’s empathy vanished in a flash. “I wont keep them? You’re one to talk. What about your promises to me? Our life after the war. You lied, you didn’t come back to me, you came back with her.” She sneered at him, shaking her head in disgust. “What a dream you're living now. Married to the love of your life, America's couple, your faces gracing every newspaper. The absolute best woman by your side so you don't have to be embarrassed by me. As you said, Captain America deserves the best and that's never going to be me.”

“Don't put words in my mouth.”

“I'm not, that was exactly what you wrote in your letter. Go back to your perfect wife and your perfect home and your perfect stinkin’ life and leave me alone! Stop torturing me by acting like you still care. I can't be around you without feeling like my heart is being crushed inside my chest. I don't need to be rescued. I don't need Captain America. JUST LEAVE!”

Steve had his own venom to spit, “If this is how you acted with Frederick, I can understand why he broke it off with you.”

She threw her hands up, “What are you even saying? I don't know anyone by that name. There's never been anyone but you. You must be thinking of one of your other girlfriends. Who knows how many you had while away.”

“Please, you know I'm not like that. There was only you until Peggy.”

Y/N nodded, eyebrows raised, “Yeah… Peggy. Always Peggy. Goodnight, Captain.” She turned and entered the building, not sparing him a second glance.

Steve could tell something was wrong. Their stories were not matching. He wanted to follow her and sort it out, but decided against it. Too hurt and angry to have the conversation they desperately needed. They couldn’t hear each other through their grief. Both mourning the loss of Bucky and the loss of each other. Of the could have beens and the should have beens. Of the life they were meant to have together. The life he now shared with someone else.

Chapter 4

A/N: Originally there were 2 letters in every chapter of this fic. However, I decided to ditch the romantic letters in the middle and keep only the letters in the first and last chapters. I think their once sweet and caring relationship is easy enough to imagine without having to read their love letters.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x peggy carter #steve rogers angst #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n

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awakeshedreams · 3 years ago

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sugar and spice ( 1 )

pairing : resident bad boy!jjk x model student!reader

setting : highschool!au x stepbrother!au

summary :

a messy highschool!au x stepbrother!au where model student reader who has quite a few dirty little secrets sees her world take an unexpected turn when her mother comes home one day with an engagement announcement, to the father of none other than the school's resident bad boy.... Jeon Jungkook.

genre : smut, for laughs, kinda pornish, slow burn with collosaly overwhelming sexual tension

rating: soft m ( for now ) due to adult content

warnings : unconventional relationship of sexual nature, tropes and clichès, teenagers partaking in porn-esque activities, made up things with made up people happening in a made up world, don't like don't read XD

wordcount : 2.3K

a/n : i've been fighting in a long standing war and I have lost. the man known as jeon jungkook had his foot on my neck for years and today, I have finally submitted to my fate and surrendered to his reign.

yes. after a hundred years, i'm writing again. specifically, writing for bts. particularly, writing for jungkook. its been a long time coming.

life just took over and I transitioned into an adult and kind of grew out of the state of mind I was in before. but. sigh. jeon jungkook has been tormenting me the whole time. it was only a matter of time before i relapsed honestly.

so here I am again. in mind, body and spirit, a different person from who I was before but still the same in the sense that with the way bts have my whole heart, jk will always be the demon in the corner of my room that I invite to bed for a cuddle even though it's (probably really) not good for me.

do not misconstrue. I love him more than I can say. but. sigh. he has me in a chokehold, loves. please try to understand where I'm coming from.

anyways, enough with this ranting. you all came here for the nitty gritty so let me not hold you hostage with my dilemma rambling any longer. here's to the first bts fic i've posted in literal years. introducing- sugar and spice.

1 2

Unless they told someone, no one would have been able to guess it.

At school they were complete strangers.

She was the nice head girl with a clean record, all smiles and straight A’s. He was the mysterious bad boy with a track record, all tatted up with bruised knuckles.

She wore plaid skirts with neat pleads in them and pastel sweaters with bows at the collar. He wore jeans with rips in them and leather jackets with studs.

They couldn't have been any more different.

As far as anyone was concerned, they existed on two extreme ends of a vast spectrum.

What they didn't know was that they shared a dirty little secret.

You were a girl with many dirty secrets.

For instance, you used to sell nudes online. It was a side hustle you did.

Not because you needed money.

Your mom was a renowned doctor so there was more than enough of that in your life.

Not because you needed validation from people online either.

Even without the constant compliments and the praises you knew you were visually blessed with a pretty face and a nice body too.

All things considered, you simply thought you had a nice pair of tits and you took pictures of them sometimes.

Posting the shots you snapped online came much later when you heard about this website where people were getting paid crazy money for posting racy things.

‘It’s just so degrading…’ It was one of your friends, June, who sneered, pretty nose scrunched up. She fixed her long ponytail and rolled her brown eyes while looking in the mirror at her locker. ‘Who would do such a thing, am I right?’

She said this, but June was the girl who has slept with more boys than she could count on her two hands. And those were the ones she told you about.

Like every other time, you said nothing. Even when it carried on to lunch with the rest.

‘Pretty desperate if you ask me.’ Mei the stellar track runner shrugged casually as she stretched her limbs like routine.

‘Where are their parents?’ Nina the library nerd shook her head in disapproval as she fixed her glasses so it sat right on the bridge of her nose.

‘Um… I don’t think it’s … appropriate… to talk about ….’ Kiko the one who always carried a cross and bible around mumbled into her sleeve.

All your friends spoke of it in derision and repulsion of course. This was a school for proper children so they were proper girls. At least they were supposed to be.

Regardless the conversation sparked a curiosity in you.

So you made an account and uploaded your first picture. Nothing bizarre. Just your tits in a pretty lace bra.

You made sure to keep your face out of the frame because that was the smart thing to do and you were nothing if not the smartest student in school.

In all honesty, you weren’t expecting anything out of it. In fact, in between work with student council and tutoring your juniors with finals right around the corner, you even forgot about it for an entire month.

It was by a complete whim that you decided to open the app while you’d been unwinding at your desk following a tedious day at school.

To say you were amused by the response you found waiting for you would have be a grave understatement.

You were staring at the four figure digit that now sat in your bank account.

Reading through the comment section was even more interesting.

There were all sorts of people there who had all sorts of things to say. Ranging from honestly sweet to downright dirty.

You had never been brought to tears laughing in her life before until then.

It was just so funny to see people misbehave and lose their minds over a pair of tits.

From then on it just sort of became a thing.

But that wasn't the worse of your secrets.

You were making a name for yourself on the crude web months later.

The next step was naturally to move from making taking pictures to making videos. Since you was already in too deep you didn’t see why not.

So you upgraded and opened another account. An amateur one where your touched yourself for an audience.

You were no prude.

You might have never been touched by a boy before but you had touched yourself plenty times. Stress and frustration came hand in hand with being head girl. Since you couldn’t quite vent it out at the annoying troublemakers at school, this was your second best option.

Third was watching porn, but that was mostly when you were extremely bored.

But that wasn’t where that little endeavor ended.

Later on it became a lot more risqué.

It all started when your mom hit you with a marriage announcement.

She met a guy on her business trip who she really liked and she was convinced he was the one.

Your mom had a tragic history of being a bad judge of character.

You’ve had this conversation at least five times since you became old enough to understand that boys and girls who were just friends didn’t kiss and sleep with each other.

Most times, it felt like she was doing it because she thought you needed a dad around.

You might have once, when you were younger and your mom was too busy with work to be there. But she worked from home these days and you were soo busy with school to worry about things like that.

This time it was like she was doing it for her. You were glad.

Your mom looked genuinely happy when she spoke about this guy.

Who were you to get in the way?

She spent almost the whole weekend in the kitchen. It was the longest you’ve seen her in there in your entire life.

She was excited for the dinner on Sunday.

Mr Jeon was the name of the chosen man.

He was coming over with his kid. A son, his only family. His wife passed away years ago.

You wore the dress your mom picked out for you, something cream in color and off the shoulders that brushed your knees. She looked pretty in her champagne dress. It was different from the office slacks and loose blouses you were used to seeing her in.

You stood by her at the door while the guests came through.

Lifting your head from a polite bow, you found herself staring straight into an achingly familiar pair of glinting dark eyes and went completely still.

‘Sweetie,' Your mother said sounding delighted, a soft hand on your stiff shoulder. 'This is Mr Jeon and his son Jungkook.’

Ah. Fuck.

‘Jeon dear, this is my daughter. Isn’t she lovely?’

Dinner was a mild affair, with small talk and the occasional clinking of cutlery on fine china.

From the outside looking in, you probably looked the picture perfect family already.

Only if no-one looked close enough.

Arms crossed, tongue in cheek. Your discomfort could be detected from miles away.

The two adults were oblivious.

The dark eyed boy with the slightest wave to his nape touching, brow grazing, ear covering onyx hair sat across you though; he took note of this with a passing glance and wordlessly returned to his food.

Jeon Jungkook had a countenance that betrayed his reputation.

Even though you’ve never talked, you knew plenty about him and you were sure he knew a lot about you too.

You went to the same school.

Dressed as he was in a crisp white dress shirt buttoned at the wrist and dark tailored pants with a fine belt on, it might have been hard to tell what kind of person he really was.

You lifted her gaze from your plate to look study him wordlessly, idly twisting the noodles with your fork.

People either called him the black sheep or the dark cloud but for you, Jeon Jungkook was the school’s resident lone wolf.

He smoked in the secluded areas on campus, sometimes playing his guitar. Beat up people who got on his nerves, sometimes using his guitar. Slept in class the rare times he was there, many times on his guitar.

Being his senior, you had never seen any of any of that for yourself. But you received plenty reports weekly to come to a sound conclusion.

There was no way people hated him enough to join hands in solidarity and make this all up.

It was quite the contrary actually. He had an alarming number of fans.

On the surface level you couldn’t see why. Most times you saw him, he looked bored out his mind and honestly, intimidating.

Maybe it was the tattoos. Or the ripped skinny jeans. Or the leather jackets with studs.

Maybe it was the domineering height and fit frame and structured face.

Maybe it was the intense dark eyes or the silky ruffled hair.

Even then, you failed to see the irresistible appeal in him. All those things that made him up only added to his unapproachable aura.

Bottom line was, he was bad news.

You didn’t want to be a spoil sport.

But how much of a thug your mom’s boyfriend’s son was shouldn’t be something that would make her like him less.

They were both their own people. Right ?

It was just that you just didn’t want her to be shocked and devastated if something happened later. When it happened.

Yet it seemed the serious conversation would have to wait.

After dinner your mom suggested you head to the living room to chat over wine and cheese.

You stayed back to do take out the dishes.

Earlier, your mom had stood to do it instead at first.

‘Don’t bother with that, dear.’ She reached for the plates in your hands. ‘Let me do it.’

‘It’s okay, mom.’ You smiled a little. ‘This is your night. I’ll meet you in the living room.’

'Sweetie...' Your mom looked close to tears. ‘But there’s so much of it…’

‘Jungkook,’ his father's voice had cut through the moment. He was a serious man in a crisp suit with a stoic countenance. His voice was just naturally authoritarian without him trying ‘Give her a hand.’

Jungkook stood, almost robotically.

‘It’s fine.’ You said. Politely. Nicely. Tightly. ‘I can handle this much.’

You left without another word.

That had been moments ago and now you were done with cleaning.

You stood at living room entrance for a while, taking in the scene.

The two adults were exchanging moon eyes and whispering in each other’s ears at the love seat.

Jungkook was sitting on a solo seat, but he was on his phone, completely unbothered by what was happening.

Your mom seemed to think it was the perfect time to pull out the photo album right then and there upon seeing you.

It was embarrassing but at least you knew you didn’t have to worry about the pictures spreading at school.

Jungkook was looking, picking up a picture occasionally to rove over, but he wasn’t the type to do that.

He also wasn’t the type to stare but you felt his glance shifting to you and lingering multiple times.

Once, you caught his eyes and he just stared at you across the coffee table wordlessly with a curious tilt to his head, idly flipping a picture of you dressed as a knight in glitter shining armor for Halloween at eight in his hands.

Honestly, it was starting to get annoying.

But you endured. For your mom’s sake.

Your alarm went off at exactly ten.

As subtly as you could, you excused yourself with an apology to the guests, saying you weren't really feeling well.

In hindsight you probably should have used a better excuse.

Your mom was notorious when it came to worrying, especially when it comes to your health.

Also, you probably should’ve locked the door before undressing just for good measure since people were over.

But in the moment, you were too busy setting your camera up where you were kneeling on the floor at the foot of the bed to be concerned about that.

That day you were testing out a new toy.

Distractedly, you took note of a couple of people asking you if that was your boyfriend’s shirt you had lifted over your tits.

You ignored them.

Couldn’t a girl own an oversized tee without getting any flack?

Trivial comments like that aside, a good majority of the audience are fawning over how wet you were and how perfect you bouncing tits look being played with.

Your head fell back and your eyes fluttered shut.

You were sitting there, knees raised to your chest and legs splayed, your gushing pussy in full display where the toy was stuffed deep into her tightness, vibrating pleasantly.

‘I’m close…’ you mumbled throatily, squeezing your tits and pinching your stiff nipples in between your moving fingers. You moved your hips move faster, feeling the toy buzz against fluttering walls. You took a hand off one of your tits to rub at your engorged clit. ‘Fuckfuckfuck…’

Deep in your high, you didn’t hear the door open and close with a foreboding click.

You only heard your name being called by a deep, smooth voice through the heady haze.

Instantly you stilled.

When you snapped your head to look over her shoulder Jungkook was there, hands in his pockets, leaning against your doorframe with his sleeves drawn up to his elbows, muscle roped, inked skin on full display.

When he tilted his head to the side a little, appraisively, you dared to say as a quaking chill ran down your spine and your entire body felt like it was about to burst into flames, a bit of his hair fell over his face.

His eyes were like two black in the dark as he took you in, dragging his gaze up and down your exposed body languidly.

In the back of your mind, you wished the ground would part and swallow you whole.

‘Your mom,' he starts, capturing your attention wholly, dark gaze finally flickering to your face, his voice suddenly lower, hoarser. ‘She sent me over to check on you.’

It took you a moment to realize where you were, who you were, who he was.

It was like a bucket of cold water had been dropped over your head.

Jeon Jungkook, the school's resident trouble maker, soon to be your step brother, just walked in on you fingering yourself in in front of a recording camera.

Well. Yeah.

You gulped.

You were royally fucked.

depending on the response I get I might ( most probably will ) delete this. not because I'm ashamed of my work. because I'm embarrassed of myself. I really swore to never write again and here I am. sigh. yes, I have seen my previous works and noticed just how terrible they were and this is a big reason why. so sorry for putting you through that. a million apologies.

also, that's right. I have adopted a new style which might not be to everyone's liking. another reason why.

anyways, if you liked this filth ( i know it seems mild but I can tell you it's very likely gonna get worse ) please idk uh... fuck this isn't ao3. hm.

like and drop by in the ask box if you liked it and want to see more. it makes me happy. its like serotonin fuel to me.

have a nice day. see you next time ( maybe ). stay fresh. yeah. 💜💜.

#bangtan #bts #bts angst #bts fluff #bts imagine #bts scenario #bts smut #bts au #jeon jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook imagine #jungkook smut #bts x reader #jungkook x reader #bts high school au #jungkook high school au

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astaroth1357 · 4 years ago

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Demigod MC Series: Athena

So. I have to deal with the virgin goddesses… By mythos, there really shouldn't ever be children of Artemis, Hestia, or Athena (yes, Athena was a virgin goddess). PJ got past that by making it canon that Annabeth and her siblings were born from cracking open Athena's skull (yes, that's also more or less the canon explanation). They gloss over it real quick but I remember, Rick. I've always remembered and that mental image has haunted me for years...

I can't, in good conscience, ignore the history around Athena's worship (call it an academic restraint) but I REFUSE to do the skull thing. So, since I make the rules here, I'm going with magic adoption. They still get magic powers, they're just more human than demigod. Cool? Cool.

Demigod MC Series: Intro, Aphrodite, Hermes, Hades, Dionysus, Demeter, Athena

Lucifer

The human that popped out of the portal seemed to have enough sense not to attack everyone in the room for a change, but even Lucifer could tell that was more of a strategic choice than for lack of ability...

Their very existence was highly unusual… and quite worrisome. He wasn't even aware Athena could have "children" of her own, but apparently she had been taking in some particularly bright humans to raise and train like her own...

Unbeknownst to him, a surprising amount of human scholars, diplomats, and generals have her to thank for their trade… and that alone should speak to the level of intrigue at play here.

Was this an accident or Athena's attempt to plant an Olympian spy in the Devildom too…? Either way, he didn't trust them from the get go…

Look, Lucifer isn’t stupid. Athena is a goddess of Wisdom and War and war happens on more than just the battlefield…

Since they've shown up records have been going missing, official documents keep getting misplaced, and he swears that there's some kind of bug in the student council room...!

It's infuriating watching the MC suck up to Diavolo when he's almost certain that they're running their own agenda behind the scenes! And he can't prove any of it!! They cover their tracks too well!

Lucifer has one of those corkboards covered in newspapers and string in a secret wing of the Castle - 100% dedicated to just tracking the MC's activities…. The longer they're there, the more obsessed he becomes...

He swears between Simeon, Solomon, and MC he feels like a shepherd wondering why the sheep are growling… The Devildom has never been in more danger than it is right now... Send help.

Mammon

To be honest, he kind of thought that they were just going to be Satan 2.0 but that's not really true.

They're more than just a book sponge! Though they do read, like a lot. Let’s just say from one schemer to another… Game recognizes Game.

They come up with plans and ideas soooo fast, it’s insane! Honestly, there are times where he has a new money-making plot and he just brings it to the MC first to run it over.

Nine times out of ten, not only do they sniff out any problems but they have a solution for him in a matter of minutes! His scheme game has been on point since they’ve shown up!!

They’re also even better tutoring than Satan is, so he’s even managed to get a couple A’s for the first time in his life! Lucifer actually told him he was proud (which he secretly recorded and now uses as a ringtone much to his brother’s regret...)

So yeah, he likes them... buuut that doesn’t keep him from thinking they act a little weird sometimes...

Mammon: *points to a unused tower close to the RAD building* Over there is the Tower of Sorrow. We use it for storage.

MC: Ah. Interesting… *starts writing in a notebook, muttering* It may need a few minor tweaks but the location is defensible...

Mammon: *stops* Ya say somethin’?

MC: *looks back up* Nope! Say, you’ve been to the Castle a lot haven’t you? Do you know any good ways in?

Mammon: Uhm… Why do ya want to know that…? *starts looking around for Lucifer*

MC: In case of emergencies. I like being prepared. 🙂

Mammon: Look, I don’t know what Lucifer might’a told ya…

MC: I’ll pay you a thousand Grimm for it.

Mammon: Well shit, ya want those maps with or without color?

... Yeeeah, that’s pretty weird… But it’s probably fine. I mean, as long as they keep giving him money, who’s he to complain? 🤷‍♀️

Leviathan

Also thought that they’d be a lot more like Satan but was pleasantly surprised that they were into more than books.

What else did they like exactly? Military strategy!!

It’s been a looong time since he’s been able to talk to someone who’s actually interested in all the battles he’s fought, both in the Celestial Realm and the Devildom, and their curiosity is kind of flattering...! Not a lot of people take his strategic prowess all that seriously anymore...

Plus, they are the BEST partner to have any turn-based strategy game. Hands down. He once got stuck on a level of D-COM for weeks until the MC walked in and mopped the floor with the AI!! They have a serious head for probability and tactics.

The House once made the mistake of letting these two be on the same team during a Hell Game and they absolutely demolished the competition. Mammon didn’t even get a single shot off before half his team was lost to a rigged paint grenade… It took a whole day to clean up…

However, Levi’s also noticed some odd things about the human… He likes that they’re interested in his past but maybe they’re a little… too interested?

Levi: -and that’s how we defeated the Four Horsemen before they escaped from Purgatory.

MC: Wow, Levi that’s seriously impressive!! *furiously scribbling on a notebook*

Levi: Well t-thanks… 😅 But, uhm... are you writing that down…?

MC: Hm? Oh no, just doodling. *they lift up the notebook to show a bunch of cute little sketches on the page… and not the magic-based invisible ink all over them…*

Levi: Oh you draw too? Can you do fanart???

MC: Eh, sometimes. But say Levi, can you tell me about your naval ranks again? I’m still really curious… *gets the pen ready again with a smile*

Satan

Oh, it's been a long game of cat-and-mouse between these two… and unfortunately, it’s been pretty addicting too.

He honestly had every intention of tricking the human into making a huge mess do he could bother Lucifer, but at every turn they proved just a hair too clever for him...

He once gave them a cursed book to “lend” to Lucifer, but they saw through it the moment they touched it and lifted the spell before handing it over.

He rigged a podium to spray glitter during one of Lucifer's speeches but the MC disconnected the trigger mic before he even got on stage. It was pretty dang frustrating...

At one point he got so desperate that, just as a test, he tried to trap them in the House's Music Room. Fortunately for them, it only took a few minutes to work out an escape. They even passed by him in the hallway with a wink!

It's confounding! It's infuriating!!

...and it's so damn sexy... He should be furious but he’s just in awe!!

Add on that they know their art, literature, and multiple different crafts thanks to the tutelage of their adopted mother and that’s it. He’s finished. This boy is in love.

Truthfully though, a part of him is 90% sure that they’re also gathering state secrets… Like, they’re watching Barbs and Diavolo far too close for comfort - but he just can't bring himself to care. 🤷‍♀️

The MC could walk into his room one day and say, "Hey, do you want to help overthrow the monarchy with me?" and he dreads it because deep down he knows that he wouldn’t say no…

Take some notes, kids. Some bad influences get you to drink or do drugs. Others pull you into a centuries long conspiracy to destabilize and topple rival realms from within… But he has fallen for their brain hard. Devil help them all…

Asmodeus

They’re pretty clever, he’ll give them that, but uh… Are they a little off to anybody else?

Asmo is a charmer by birthright so he has a bit of nose for when someone’s just a liiittttle too nice… Not much of a nose mind you, because he can be thrown off by compliments himself, but enough to think that the MC might be a little too… “kind” for their own good...

First off, who wants to spend that much time with Levi?? They don’t even seem that interested in anime! They just keeping asking him for old war stories…

Then all the sucking up they do to Diavolo and Barbatos? Look, he gets it. Diavolo is a delicious piece of man-hunk and his butler could give him a lesson or two in sweet-talk (and he has), but they seem to be just a little too… nosy.

Of course, Asmo’s suspicions disappear pretty quickly after they start to spoil him with spa nights and beauty secrets they picked up from “casual research” into the subject.

And you know, get a little Demonus in Asmo and start massaging his back? Oh, sweetie he’ll sing like a bird!! … with gossip. Singing with gossip.

Asmo: So I’ve heard that Lucifer has been spending more time at RAD than usual… His whole club is talking about it, they think he’s meeting with some witch!

MC: Hm, is that so? *works on a knot near his shoulder blades* What do you think?

Asmo: Ooh~! Right there, MC! *purrs and lays his head on his arms* Well come on, this is Lucifer we’re talking about! I’m sure he’s just working.

Asmo: Hmm... though come to think of it, I think I heard him asking Barbatos for the spare keys to the Tower of Sorrow…

MC: Oh really? Huh. *works out the knot and gets up* I just remembered that I left some papers with Satan... I’ll be right back.

Asmo: You’re going already??

MC: *waves him off quickly* I’ll be right back, Asmo. *hurries out the door to do totally on-the-up-and-up things… surely*

Beelzebub

Honestly he doesn't like this one… But not for the reasons you'd expect.

He agrees with everyone else that they seem a little shady, but Solomon and Simeon are too so it's not like that's anything new... 🤷‍♀️

No, no. He dislikes them because they're the person who FINALLY figured out how to keep him from eating all the food in the kitchen!!

Turns out that the trick was to put a teleportation charm on the fridge door that would send all the food away if it’s opened after a certain time of night…

And where does it go? The Purgatory Hall fridge. And where does the Purgatory Hall food go…? The HoL fridge…

It doesn’t sound so bad until you remember that it means half of their fridge is now Solomon’s leftovers…. 🤢

After they put the same kind of spell on the pantry, it was all over… He couldn't get midnight snacks from the House anymore… Everything was contaminated by Solomon…

The MC is a nice enough person, he doesn’t have a lot of complaints about them, but he wants them to leave. Now. This is inexcusable… He’s so hungry… and he doesn’t want to die by “goulash” or whatever Solomon calls his latest culinary catastrophe… He’s still too young for death… 😓

Belphegor

In a way, he absolutely could not have asked for a better person to help him get out of that attic.

… In another way, he got one of the worst possible people to try and kill... Like. They saw through his scheme sooo fast…

How was he supposed to know that the human had training in body language and sniffing out lies???

Getting the door open was a piece of cake for them. They knew enough magic to undo the seals and just rummaged around Lucifer's stuff long enough to find the key to the door. He could not have found a more competent individual for a break out, really.

It’s just… well he didn’t expect to go from locked in a room like a prisoner to tied up in enchanted rope, still like a prisoner but now mobile. 😑

They even used his own hug ruse against him! They caught his wrists when they got close and tied him up before he could shake them off...

Admittedly, it wasn't exactly the best look for them either - what with walking Belphegor downstairs to the others like a one-man-prison-caravan but they're as silver-tongued as they are sly so they talked their way out of it beautifully…

And like hell was he going to trust them after that!! And not even Beel liked them so something had to be up...

Well, you want a detective? Look no farther than Belphie (no seriously, it’s in the canon). He can put things together pretty fast when he puts his mind to it and watching the MC for a while gave him enough proof to work off of...

He always knew that, humans were bad news and the MC just proved it to him all over again. They are bad news, bad bad news and they’re going to-!

Overthrow… Diavolo…? Is that what he is getting from them…? Huh…

Wait a second, MC. You might just have him interested… 😏

#you say athena mc is smart #i say athena mc is spy #because where better to use your smarts #in war #obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me demigods

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gliphyartfan · 3 years ago

Text

@stars-for-thought @imprisioned-in-the-hole @linked-heroes @ice-cream-writes-stuff

This...wrecked me.

BUT it was a long time coming! Had to cut half of it out cause it grew too long (nearly 6k is still long right?). But I did it! I honestly hope I did it justice!

If not for @yandere-linked-universe, I would have lost all motivation a week ago!

But I was successful!

Still though...heroes and their need to argue...

It wasn't something they've done in a long while.

Gathering around one another.

Not willingly at the least.

Eight of them sitting a fair distance away from the houses, the camp fire being the only source of light for them at this time of night.

Hyrule the last one to arrive, having checked up on (y/n) before arriving at the designated place, so the eight simply sat around the camp fire in silence, stewing in their own thoughts.

When he arrives, informing them of y/n's stable condition, it was then Legend claps his hands and brings their attention to him.

'I think I speak for all of us when I say we need to air out some things.' He would give them all a stern look. 'And let me be clear on the fact that we can't hide anything right now.'

None of them look at each other.

Hyrule nervously agrees but expresses concern over being heard by the nearby houses, more worried at disturbing (y/n) than he was about disturbing the neighbors.

Wind assures him that they wouldn't be heard.

'Mesa doesn't sleep at night cause of the monsters that used to pop up, plus he hates being alone nowadays so he stays with Miss Sue-Belle and her grandpa at night.' Wind explained with a shrug.

'Even if he was there, he's a really heavy sleeper, we could scream at the very top of our lungs all we want and no one would hear us from over here. I've tested it.'

'How convenient.' Wars remarked with a snort but wouldn't make a comment after getting a look from Time.

Before things could become awkward, Legend does not hesitate to be blunt about it.

'We need to stop.' He would say, resting his elbows on his knees.

'Stop what?' Wild mutters.

'All of 'this'.' He's wave his hand towards the group, a scowl on his face.

Wars rolls his eyes.

'Legend, my dear hoarder, you need to be more specif-'

' When was the last time we talked to one another without taking note of eachothers weaknesses?'

Warriors closed his mouth, the group looked at each other, none speaking up with an answer.

'When was the last time we actually shared a space without tension? Covered each other in battle because we were worried instead out of obligation, or just leaving each other to fend for themselves? Or shared our potions willingly?' A sharp smile on his face. 'Or better yet, when was the last time we trusted one another?'

...

No one had anything to say to that.

Legend shook his head, a scowl appearing. 'I'm not dumb, I can see what's in front of me. Whatever trust we forged during our journey is at risk of fading to almost nothing. It's a fucking miracle y/n hasn't noticed us going for each other's throat.

'Okay, that's a bit harsh.' Sky interjected nervously, 'I agree that it's possible things have been...rather tense lately, but I wouldn't say it's that bad.'

Legend leveled a look at him.

'Four, Wild, and Twilight have all scared off at least 12 different people for looking at her recently.'

'It was necessary!' Four exclaimed in defense, Twilight placing a hand on his shoulder keep him from jumping up from his seat, Wild staying in his seat, though his hands tightened into fists. ' We saw the intentions in their eyes! The way they stared at her! They were looking at her like she was food!'

Legend turned the leveled look at the blacksmith.

'All 12? All of them? In the same town? In the same day? He asked with a scoffed, 'Same hour? Half of them women? Oh yes, very dangerous. And it's rather convenient when the Cook joins in and helps you scare them away.'

Four had a sneer on his face but the silent rancher's hand on his shoulder kept him from doing anything else.

Legend watched them for another moment before turning back to Sky.

'Warriors and Hyrule have been awfully careful with keeping any of us from encroaching upon her personal space, either by being the ones to guard her while she's bathing or when she's hurt.'

'What, so that makes us suspicious?' The captain crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him, Hyrule nervously ducking his head. 'She deserves some space away from you clingy lot! We're just making sure she has it!'

'Funny how you say that when you've been taken advantage of your position to have some alone time with her.' Legend doesn't even look away from the skyloftian as he answers back. 'You know, you're quite charming when you think no one is paying attention. And don't think I haven't noticed how our resident healer has been hoarding potions for some time.'

Warriors and Hyrule tensed at being found out, keeping their eyes from settling on anyone else's as they were looked at.

'The old man has been very careful in sending one of us ahead when there's danger. That honestly took me a bit to figure out, since he rotates who goes. Yet he never seems to volunteer himself.' The vet looked over at Time, who's featured remained impassive.

'Wild has been more aggressive with strangers than Four, which is saying something considering how violent the blacksmith has been. The sailor has been growling at every kid that's been as close as 5 feet of her and clings to her when he thinks we're too busy, and don't think I haven't noticed the way you've been nudging the tension between everyone while going through her things Sky.'

He raised an eyebrow as he looked back at the pale faced skyloftian.

'And you're telling me it's not that bad?'

There wasn't anything the group could say to those (accurate) accusations, Four looked to be visibly restraining himself from hitting him.

...

'...Maybe it's because you all force your presence on her...'

'...What was that?' Four growled out, solid blue eyes snapping up to glare at the speaker.

Wind lifted his head, glaring back at the blacksmith.

'You heard me Blacksmith, or is your attention span as short as your height?' He sneered. 'You all force your presence on her when she wants to be left alone! At least she feels comfortable with me!'

Four sneered back at Wind. 'The way you hog her attention is the very comforting.'

'Hey, I at least GIVE her space! I saw how you yelled at that shopkeeper when he asked if she needed anything-'

'I had to! Didn't you see the way that disgusting bastard-'

...

Legend watched as the group slowly dissolved into chaos. Each hero soon shouting at one another.

This is what he had been worried about for so long, and here was proof that the trust they had between one another is dangerously close to collapsing.

He watched as Twilight was talking coldly to Time, who didn't even have the decency to look ashamed of his choices.

Four and Wind were at each other's throats and Warriors was basically growling at Wild, who was screaming about how he always knew Warriors was keeping y/n away from everyone else.

Sky and Hyrule, who were shouting at each other over what they've been doing.

He needed to get them back on track, so with a deep breath, he whistled as loudly as he could.

He began speaking the moment they all looked at him.

'Well ain't this a beautiful example of shit I've ever seen!'

'Enough Veteran!' Time ordered, speaking up for what seemed the first time since this conversation began.

'You've been doing a good job keeping quiet old man, better get back to being a good boy and let the big people talk.' Legend didn't need to look at Time to know his expression was thunderous.

'All of you acting like little BRATS, ready to play 'it's not my fault, it's YOURS.' A humorless laugh escaping him.

'News flash bastards, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULTS.' His grin was more bearing teeth than a grin.

'None of you are innocent.'

He expected Wild to shout at him, maybe Wind or Sky. Hell, the good captain looked ready to tackle him.

Yet it was Four who jumped to his feet, growling at the Veteran.

The smaller boy slipped away from the hands restraining him, rushing forward and grabbed the taller boy's collar, slamming their foreheads together and hissing, 'Just who the hell do you think you are?!?'

'That's a funny question.' He remarked mockingly, making sure not to show that the head bashing hurt. 'Considering how you seem to think you're in the right.'

Four wasn't pleased by his comment. 'I'll take out anyone that lays a malicious hand on her. How dare you even insinuate that I would let such a thing happen!'

'For someone who sounds so sincere, you have a funny way of showing it.' Legend retorted with gritted teeth, never taking his eyes off the shorter man's.

'Acting like you care but when it matters, you're as blind as the rest of us. That's why she got hurt.'

The others surged forward,

'How dare you-"

'That's not true-'

'Damnit Vet, you can't just-'

'SHE NEARLY DIED DAMNIT!!' He shoved Four back, basically throwing him to the floor, having enough of everyone's nonsense.

Everyone stills at his words.

'SHE'S STILL UNRESPONSIVE!! SHE'S ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF OUR FUCKING RIVALRY!!!' He blazed with impotent rage.

'She's laying in that house, because she got LUCKY. Do you hear me?' He emphasized his point by gesturing in the direction of Wind's house.

'Because had we not gotten our shit together? Had we argued just a moment more? We would have been standing before her GRAVE.'

His face was dark with fury.

'And you have the fucking nerve to tell me I'm in the wrong?' He hissed through clenched teeth.

...

...It is quiet.

The veteran stared right into the blacksmith's eyes, vaguely noticing how it shifted colors rapidly. The way his face twitched, as if physically restraining himself from saying something he would regret.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the others frozen in different positions of action.

Some halfway out of their seats, others reaching for the two of them as if to pull them away from each other.

He focused back on Four, noticing his jaw was tightly clenched.

'WE. NEED. HER. ' he said in a firm voice.

This seemed to make him flinch, but Legend wasn't finished. He took a deep breath and lowered his voice a few notches though he was still partly yelling.

'Not the other way around. SHE doesn't need us.' he slowly shook his head as he looked at every one of them.

'She NEVER needed us.'

Four looked away at that.

'We need her more than we need air in our lungs. Need her more strongly than water or food. ' He focused back on Four and pointed at him.

'And you...you think I'm going to let you, let any of you, let MYSELF, lose her because we couldn't control ourselves?' His chuckle was icy, his smile was unpleasant and full of teeth.

'Oh you don't know me as well as I thought. '

'Because allow me to be as clear as possible when I say, I would slaughter anyone that laid a filthy hand on her' Legend leaned forward, smiling coldly. 'Push me enough, and you'll be on the list.'

'Isn't that extreme..?!' Hyrule exclaimed worriedly, looking at Legend with an uncertain expression.

'Oh...so you wouldn't hurt them if they laid a hand on her? You would actually hesitate to tear off limbs if they forced her to go with them. If they dared to speak her like some cheap whore-'

'How could you even say that-!!!'

'That is uncalled for!'

Legend spread his arms out. 'Well you all might as well be saying you would!!'

'Hold your tongue or I'll cut it!' Wild suddenly snarled, Twilight, visibly tense from Legend' words, was forced to put both hands on Wild.

'I bet you would just stand there while they tried, hm? Stand there while she cries for your help?' He kept pushing, because he needed to. 'Just stand there, watching her shed her tears? Stand there and let. them. touch her? Is that what you would do? Answer me.'

'Don't you DARE say such a thing.' Wild growled, his lips drew back in a snarl.

'You all seem so eager in proving me right, I see nothing wrong with saying this if this is how you really feel.' He masked a scowl with a smirk even as the others began to raise their voices again.

'WHAT THE HELL!'

'You miserable pile of-!!'

'JUST TELL ME YOU'RE READY TO ABANDON HER SO I CAN KEEP HER AWAY FROM YOU ALL!!'

'HOW DARE YOU!!' Warriors roared, suddenly on his feet and in Legend's face.

'You think you can accuse us like this, act like you have the high ground, and expect us to sit here and take it?!' Legend didn't even hesitate shoving him away.

'I can accuse you all I want! Whatever friendship we may still have be damned, BECAUSE YOU'RE AS GUILTY AS I AM!!!' Legend shouted, even as the captain grabbed the front of his tunic and pulled him up to his face again.

'WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.'

'I'M ONE WHO'S ACTUALLY TRYING TO FIX THIS MESS!! UNLIKE YOU WHO'S READY TO LET HER END UP AS A CORPSE BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T NOTICE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT HER TO!!'

'You miserable, disrespectful, arrogant-

'STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM YOU STUPID SOLDIER!!'

'SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!'

'NO! WAKE UP FROM YOUR FUCKING FANTASIES!'

'What gives you the FUCKING RIGHT-'

'BECAUSE I LOVE HER YOU BASTARD!!'

The admittance silenced them swiftly.

But he didn't care at the moment.

He was breathing deeply after saying those words. Face flushed with anger. Fists clenched so tightly, they were bone white.

'I. Love. her.' He hissed to a frozen Warriors.

'I. Need. her.' He grabbed the wrist attached to the had gripping his tunic.

'I. Can't. Lose. Her.' He bared his teeth, slowly shaking his head.

'I won't hesitate.' He voice was a whisper at this point. But it didn't matter. The crackling fire was the only other sound at moment.

'I won't hesitate to kill anyone that takes her away from me.'

...

And that's what he needed them to understand. Needed them to understand that as much as he cared for this group, as much as he's willing to put the effort to fix things...

If they didn't work together?

There would be corpses.

And he wouldn't be one of them.

He wanted to keep screaming at them. Wanted they to hang their heads in shame as he pointed out every flawed thing they've done as of late.

But he..sighed.

'I want..so much.. ' He began, looking straight into Warriors' eyes, a numb sense of calm filling him. 'I want so many impossible things.'

'I want to fall asleep to her peaceful face, and wake up to the sight of her kind smile. I want her to lean against me as she draws, to watch her eyes light up when I show her something new. To see her laugh, hear her hum a tune, to know I'm the reason she glows with happiness.'

He could feel the pale faced captain tremble beneath his grip.

'I want the exact same thing you bastards want...' he took a deep breath, to settle his heart.

'I just want her by my side every single day.'

His voice almost quiet.

'I don't want to lose her.'

Silent stillness enveloped them after Legend had finished speaking, only the sound of the crinkling fire all that was audible at the moment.

Warriors stared at him, swallowing. visibly shaken by the veteran's honesty.

After a beat, Legend slowly pulls the captain's hand off of him.

He was met with no resistance.

He looks at them all. Tired, drained, a headache slowly making itself known.

'So...' he raised an eyebrow, tone dull, 'How about the cook whip us up something.'

Wild blinked, startled by being acknowledged.

'Wha-'

'And while he's at it, our resident healer can check up on our mutual darling.'

Hyrule jolted at the sudden acknowledgment.

'We have a lot to talk about and we can't do it on empty stomachs and worry in our minds.' He grinned sardonically, slowly clapping his hands twice.

'Chop chop people. The night is still young.'

It took a while for them to speak up after that, because what could one say after such an outburst?

It soothed their hearts when Hyrule returned, saying she was healing nicely. That information helped them calm down while using the time Wild spent cooking to gather their thoughts.

It was difficult to come up with something after the explosive event of earlier.

They were silent when their food was served.

Silent as they ate.

But slowly, very slowly, they did.

Legend pulling the words out of them.

Each grievance, thought and feeling.

It was a snail's pace, but as the Veteran calmly pushed them into speaking, the atmosphere surround the group slowly calmed, the words flowing just a bit easier than before.

'I just don't want her to leave.' Hyrule admitted quietly, looking down at his hands, almost ashamed to admit such a thing.

Warriors sighed. 'I think I speak for all of us when I say the feeling is mutual.'

Murmurs of agreement met his words.

' I don't disagree. It's obvious why, she's...just so kind.' Sky shyly put out, a small blush on his face.

'I mean, when was the last time she even demanded something from any of us?'

Warriors couldn't help but snort. 'I think you mean to say 'when has she ever demanded anything from us?'

'I believe I can answer that.' Time said, speaking up after staying silent for most of the evening.

Four raised an eyebrow. 'Oh, and when was this?'

'When she and I got separated, I injured my leg fighting the Lynel? Back in Legend's era I believe it was.'

'I remember that!' Wind piped in, snapping his fingers and pointing at Time. 'In the lost woods! She was tugging your ear when I reached you guys!'

Time nodded with a chuckle, resting his chin on his hand.

'Got quite the lecture too. She can be...quite stern when pushed enough.'

' That was the first time she saw one of us fight a Lynel wasn't it...' Twilight realized, blinking in comprehension. 'I can't believe I forgot that. She must have been terrified witnessing such a thing.

'Ah, but that was the thing. She was calm when she saw me kill it.'

'So she has thicker skin than an average civilian.' Legend sighed. 'Impressive but not that surprising.'

'Don't get me wrong Vet, she was quite unnerved when she saw the battle but once it was over and she saw my injury, I was the main focus.' He looked down, almost unaware that he was touching the place where the injury once was.

'She could have gone to get one of you guys, I knew she heard you calling out to us, we both did, but she stayed.' He smirked then, 'Pulled out a couple of red potions from her bag too.'

He had the group looking at him in surprise.

'Wait, potions?'

'Who gave her a potion?'

'Wars, was it you?'

'I would remember that!'

'Well well, isn't she well prepared.'

'Looks like she's paying attention to the Vet's paranoia!'

'Ha ha, such flattery.'

'Did she buy a few in town before we swapped eras?'

'Actually she has a stash of them in the event of one of us becoming injured and she's the only one around.' Time interjected, one of his amused grins on his face.

That brought another round of questions.

'She knows how to make potions?!'

'No Wind, we would have seen her.'

'It's not something that could be hidden either.'

'And where did she get the money to buy enough potions?'

'When'd she have the time to even get potions??'

'My question is, how did we not see her get the potions?'

' Did she tell you?' Time snorted softly as the last question was directed at him.

'Matter of fact, yes. Clever answer too, know all those 'silly bets' she got us to agree to?'

He waited for them to nod. ' Well, she's been stashing every rupee she's won from us specifically to buy 'emergency potions'. He answered with a breathy chuckle. 'As for when? She's been buying them from Beedle when we were at stables. And since we also give her money to buy herself stuff...'

'None of us would be the wiser.' Legend finished for him.

'You're serious aren't you...' Warriors couldn't help but say.

'Absolutely.' Time nodded, not able to suppress a grin when he realised the captain's tone was admiring.

'She looked so embarrassed, thought I would be upset with her for ' sneaking behind our backs'. Tried to justify it by saying it 'felt stupid to be the only one in the group who wasn't prepared for some type of emergency.'' A round of chuckles emerged from the group as they all imagined the expression on her face.

'When she saw my injury, she immediately pulled out the potions from her pouch, didn't even pause in shoving a few into my hands and asking me how much pain I was in.' He smiled at the memory. 'That's when I made the foolish mistake of telling her to leave me there and go find one of you.'

' And you lived to tell the tale?' Warriors asked, smirking widely.

'Barely, the glare I receive was quite fierce.' Time didn't even bother to hold the laughter down, still remembering how startled he had been, having such a glare directed at him.

'Like a raging Goddess, she demanded I take better care of myself, or face mothering the likes of which I never saw before.' He looked exasperated, yet his voice was the definition of amused.

' She then proceeded to baby talk me until I agreed.'

Time was not ashamed as the group roared with laughter.

'Are you serious?'

'Poor man!' Warriors reached over and clapped a hand on the older man's shoulder.

'Oh, THAT must have been uncomfortable!' Sky commented between breaths.

' I barely lasted a few sentences before I was pleading for mercy.' He rolled his eyes and huffed through his nose.

'So THAT'S why you were so careful in battle the weeks after.' Hyrule realized, grinning as Time shrugged.

'When I'm threatened with something like THAT? How can I do anything else but obey?'

Wars held his hands up in a shrug, smirk on his face. 'Ah but who are we to question Her divine command?'

'Who are we indeed..' Time murmured with a breathy laugh.

Wild smirked, eyes glinting with glee. 'Speaking of her doing things we don't expect, Vet! Remember when she met Wolfie?'

Legend smirked, even as Twilight send a glare at the cook. 'Rather brave of her, despite never being near an actual wolf before. '

Sky frowned. 'But didn't she look nervous?' Twilight sighed as Legend and Wild let out a laugh.

' You would think! But she apparently didn't want to break any unspoken rules about touching him.' Wild couldn't resist the sharp grin as he eyed the embarrassed rancher. 'You should have seen her when she was given the okay. I'm surprised the mutt was able to escape her constant pets and kisses.'

Twilight wasn't able to keep the blush down when Wind grumbled a very clear 'Lucky bastard.' To the amusement of everyone else, especially those who knew his secret.

They fell into a comfortable silence after that, the sound of the waves a song that filled their ears, the wind playing with their hair as they got lost in thought.

'...Go and bring peace to Hyrule.'

They looked at Wild, he was looking at the sea. 'Every time I went to one of those statues, that's what Hylia would tell me.'

He dug his boot into the sand. 'She would heal me up when I had enough spirit orbs, fill me with vitality, but every time she finished, she would always say those same words.' He grimaced

'And every time, I would think, 'is she healing me because cares, or because I'm just a means to an end?''

Wild shooked his head, never taking his eyes off the sea.

'Even though I've fought evil for her sake. For Zelda's sake. I always felt like she wanted more.' He grimaced.

“I don’t even know what more I could have given…” He admitted, “Always thinking that I’ll one day wake up and realize that I was fated to sacrifice more.'

Then a small smile pulled at his lips, 'But when I'm with (y/n)...I don't feel that weight of responsibility...the weight of those thoughts.' His words were barely above a whisper by the end.

'With her...I feel free.'

For several moments, there was stillness. Watch of them could feel the bite of the ocean breeze on their skin, the heat of the campfire barely able to hold off the chill and darkness surrounding them.

"She said she was proud of me..' Wild whispered, "Said that every breath I took, every moment I opened my eyes to greet the day, was rebellion against what destiny, what Ganon, had wanted.'

'She saw me, a failure of a hero, and said she was proud of me,' He whispered, unable to trust himself with anything louder. 'How could I possibly love another when she says such things with so much honesty?'

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

'How could I go on, following Hylia's command blindly, when (y/n) comes to me with those kind eyes and says She just wants me to be happy?'

'Hylia does not want champions.' Time shook his head, smirking bitterly. 'She merely wants toy soldiers.'

Sky's eyes flew up to the look at eldest of the group.

'Surely that's a bit much, Hylia..has done what she could for us.'

'Who is Hylia? A being who seeks soldiers to clean up her mess? A being who only expects us to obey?' Time interjected.

Sky swallowed. 'But..she's assisted us-'

Time shook his head. 'No, she simply made sure we survived long enough to eliminate her enemies.'

Wild frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. 'When you think about it, he's right. We have never worshiped Hylia because we wanted to. But because we were obligated to. Because most of us were raised to believe it was an honor.'

He looked at Sky. 'But...isn't a goddess of benevolence supposed to be someone who is kinder than a mortal could comprehend? Someone who cares for her servants for no other reason than because we love her as much as she loved us?'

Twilight smiled bitterly. 'A goddess like that is someone I wouldn't mind serving. '

'Isn't that why we love Her so?' Legend said softly.

Warriors looked at him oddly. '(y/n) isn't a goddess Legend.'

Legend looked at him with carefully impassive expression. 'But we want her to be.'

They all looked anywhere but at him.

'You've all already admitted it. Even if you don't want to say it.' Legend smirked.

'Vet-'

''Who are we to question Her divine command?'' He repeated, smirking when the captain's mouth snapped shut.

'We all want her to be.' Legend repeated, catching Hyrule's eye and staring him down.

-Admit it.- His eyes said. Hyrule flinching at being seen through. Wanting to deny the silent accusation.

...But his heart wouldn't let him deny such a thing either.

'...(y/n) would make a better goddess than hylia.' He admitted, looking down.

Sky snap his attention to the traveler, his eyes slightly wide.

'Hyrule-' Legend cut Sky off, looking right at the skyloftian.

'Can you deny that she's already better than hylia?' Sky seemed to struggle with an answer, but Legend didn't wait for an answer.

'Is She not kinder, sweeter, more beautiful than anyone else? She never asks for anything other than our safety and happiness. Becomes upset when we try to do more than we can handle and tries to actually help us whenever she can. '

Twilight sighed, but nodded in agreement. 'Her presence is like a soothing warmth that never falters. I don't think I've ever had someone who's presence relieved me the way Hers does.'

He grimaced. 'Not even Hylia herself can claim such a thing.'

A glance at Sky, causing him to grimace and look away.

'Someone with a beautiful soul like Hers...' Hyrule whispered, folding his hands in front of his chest, almost like he was praying.

'I..I could worship someone like Her everyday without regret.' He looked away, as if shameful of his admittance.

'..What's wrong with that?' Hyrule looked at who spoke.

'Wars?'

Warriors did not look at him, staring at the ground. But his face had shifted into an expression of thoughtfulness. 'What's wrong with wanting to worship her? '

Hyrule's face flushed red. '..it...it seems a bit inappropriate to-'

'Because we're supposed to worship Hylia?' He looked up at him. 'Farore? Nayru? Din?'

'...I-'

Wind frowned, looking around. ' Why can't we worship who we desire? Worship someone we CAN trust?'

Twilight bit his lip, shaking his head. 'That's too much of a dream to even CONSIDER-'

Legend barked a laugh.

'Dreams are only dreams until we make them a reality.'

'...!' He chuckled at the shocked looks he received from most of them.

'You said it better than I ever could Hyrule. Someone with as beautiful of a soul as Her's is someone we could worship everyday of our lives without regret.'

'But we can't-'

'Why? Because we're Hylia's 'Champions'? I don't know if you remember this, but we've done our duties, defeated Ganon and the only reason I'll not complaining about THIS journey anymore is because it brought us Her.'

'Legend-'

'And don't we in a way worship her already?'

Wild tilted his head. 'What do you mean?'

He raised a finger, 'Don't we find joy in caring for her? Providing for her? Is that not paying tribute?' A second finger, 'Don't we defend her when danger is near? Cutting down every enemy that come near her? Is that not raising our swords in her name?'

He leaned forward, A manic glint flashing in his eyes. A third finger was raised. 'Do we not find joy when she whispers our name, do we not find peace when we whisper Hers? Is that not devotion? Tell me otherwise and I'll concede.'

But no one said anything.

No one wanted to.

Because they agreed with his words so much.

'She deserves someone to protect her...' Hyrule whispered, as if to himself, as if to convince himself to listen to the words being spoken to him.

'She deserves US to protect Her.' Legend corrected, his smile was all teeth, but it wasn't malicious.

'We've defeated literal evil. We're the best people to protect Her.' Wind added, his eyes matching the Veteran's. Soon matching the eyes of all of them.

'And doesn't She deserve the very best, after everything She's done for us?' Legend spread his arms out, smirk on his face. Sky smiled, looking at his hands, laughing softly, shaking his head.

'I...suppose you're right...' he slowly admitted, his shoulder releasing tension, almost relieved.

'I..can't see anyone else providing for her the way we can.'

'We have the resources...' Four slowly added, a note of mania woven through the blacksmith's words, 'We have much sway in our eras and what we don't have, I'm reasonably sure we know someone who can provide it for us.'

'We've faced more than enough adversaries to be able to counter any situation.' Warriors smirked, sitting back, arms crossed.

'The safest place is with us.' Time said, a sense of finality in his words.

And for the first time in so long, they all were united with such a decision.

It didn't matter if there wasn't a drop of divinity in her.

It didn't matter if she wasn't able to use magic or blessed by any spirit.

She was not a goddess in the way they knew. But only a fool would deny the beautiful divinity that radiated from Her heart.

She was Divine to them.

A presence that was not unlike an ocean of warmth that wanted to drown them in love and safety. Eager to drive them mad, to drive them to protect Her happiness.

And they would drown in that ocean willingly.

She didn't even realize what she was doing to them.

She didn't realize that the very person She was was causing them to crave Her gentle touch, Her beautiful smiles, Her arms wrapped around them.

She didn't realize any of this.

Because it was as natural as breathing to Her.

How many times was Her kindness going to steal the breath from their lungs?

How many times was Her gentle voice going to soothe them when they wake from their nightmares, Her hands wiping the tears from their face?

How many times will they crave the chance to kiss away Her tears but only be able to brush them aside.

But it was alright.

They loved Her so much.

A Goddess of their own making.

One that they would worship freely, not like how obligation and duty forced their hand with Hylia.

Hylia demanded their loyalty.

(y/n) merely asked for their continued happiness.

Hylia commanded they fight in her name.

(y/n) requested they remained safe and healthy.

Hylia wanted heroes.

(y/n) wanted only them.

She wanted them.

She trusted them.

She cared for them.

She was the one they wanted to serve.

They fulfilled their duties to Hylia.

They no longer were obligated to serve her.

But (y/n)...She was so fragile compared to the rest of them. Having lived in a world with no monsters, no calamities or destiny.

She needed to be protected.

She needed them to protect Her.

They were the only ones who could protect Her.

They needed to unite. To stand side by side, as a shield against the monsters, against anyone that would dare take Her from them.

They couldn't fight amongst themselves anymore.

They couldn't allow Her to come to harm ever again.

All this time wasted fighting when they could have been protecting Her. Making her happy. Keeping her safe. How foolish of them.

But no longer.

To protect their Reason for breathing, there could be no room for trickery or lies between each other. Only for those that stood between them and Her.

The sun was rising, washing away the rivalries and dissonance of the past night, and the rays of dawn shining upon renewed unity and brotherhood.

She is their's; a Gift that pure chance had bestowed upon them.'

They would protect Her. Together.

They would protect their Goddess.

No one will ever take Her away from them.

No One.

#timeline two au #linked universe #linkeduniverse #yandere linked universe #lu #lu hyrule #lu time #lu wild #lu sky #lu twilight #lu warriors #lu legend #lu wind #lu four

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