#as someone else worded it shes a proxy for every doctor who tried their hardest fighting about this crisis no one understoo

[chipadequeso]

mendel is overworked because hes awful at his job otherwise he wouldn't be. hes stressed because he hates his patients and cant deal with them and only says maybe its my fault once he cant even convince jason of doing somethin. and he really just gives up at fixing it, being optimistic and not knowing what to do because he lacks the skills to work with such a huge problem. you cant just say "youre dismissing him because hes bad at his job" because that is precisely why he is overworked.

dr charlotte had to deal with misogyny and homophobia and patients dying daily and once she managed to get some control a new virus appeared and she tried pushing through it with what she could mostly by herself with most doctors not caring and trying not to stress anyone in her family and also insisting on hiding it because she was so proud of herself for being a good doctor. she doesnt know what to do either, but shes wracking her brains about it to no end. she is extremely overworked.

and thats the difference with mendel: charlotte is overworked because she was such a good doctor she never gave up despite every problem she went through, knowing it was only a matter of time and being the one to communicate "something bad is happening" with her 2 songs about it; mendel is overworked because he was a bad psychiatrist who couldn't handle his patients with superficial problems without being emotionally exhausted, being the one to communicate the optimistic statement of "everything will be alright."

[beautifulterriblequeen]

What if moonshadow elves lost knowledge about themselves?

Hello, hope you have a nice day ! :D

(wait, is it day, for you?) hem! Anyway.

I was analylzing Moonshadow elves again and now I’m asking myself something, wonder what you would think about it:

Remember my “epiphany about the moon arcanum”?, when I said there’s maybe another side of their arcanum Moonshadow elves don’t know about? Something more life-light related:hope.

At first I said “they don’t know about” without really thinking about it. But, what if it’s true? I mean, what if there truly is a part they don’t know about their arcanum, or maybe forgot along the years? What if the war made Moonshadow elves focus so much on death-kill and all they kinda…. lost some of their knowledge about themselves? 

(I think I remember one of your old analysis (I think it was you, I can’t find it anymore), where you compared “young ethari” in the endcredits to the actual one. Where we saw him first doing jewelry, full of hope about life, and the actual one who let that aside to focus on the war) 

Add to this their community is described as “really close-knit”, which means more or less isolationism and so a stagnant, unable to evolve society. A society where the same rules were applied for centuries and so inevitably lost their deep meaning with time. 

I thought it was maybe exaggerated to think this way, but then I remembered the creators said there is 5000years of history in TDP. Even with longer lifespan, there’s no way elves didn’t forget some things with time. (I compare this situation to another one: some discoveries were recently made in egypt, and we learned that a few thousands years ago egyptian themselves re-discovered things they had discovered several centuries prior and forgot)

So I tried to find proof in the show and the novelization, and guess what? We have some! (or, well, it’s more my HC, but as I said, it’ just a theory)

I think this way especially because of Runaan, who was so sure there was “only one way to release”. But then, Zym came and cut Rayla’s ribbon. My personal HC on this is that only the life who was supposed to be avenged can release the assassin from the binding. It would make sense when you know Moonshadow elves “take life but they do not take it lightly”. But even if I’m mistaking, the central fact is that there is more than one way and, clearly, Moonshadow elves don’t know it (if the leader of the assassins doesn’t, then who could?)

What I find interesting here, is that Runaan recites this ritual at the beginning, about how precious life is, like a litany but the way he insists (especially in the novel) about killing Ezran even after he saw the egg, could be the proof it’s just that, a ritual. A ritual whose words lost all their sense, their deep meaning for his people.

Ok, it’s not much, but I think the combination of isolationism, stucking to rules without understanding them deeply and time, is the perfect recipe to lose your way, no? 

Oh, and a crazy other point in between these two theories about “hope” and “lost knowledge” woud be: If there is another aspect of the moon, other elves more hope-related (like Ethari or Rayla), why not another form?

Like sunfire elves have heat and light-being mode, Moonshadow elves could have something else too?. It’s probably stupid, I’m only thinking this way because of how Rayla feels while in moonshadow form in the novelization. It’s not that she hates it or something, but it makes her feel dizzy, as if she wasn’t suited for this. And if not, maybe it’s because she’s suited for another form? 

(sorry, I hope I’m coherent on this one, I’m a little exhausted and my thoughts are a little messy ^^’)

______________

Okay, @lily-lilou​, just let me catch my breath, this whole thing is a ride and I loved it. We definitely vibing here, fam.

whew

Okay, from the top, because I’ve had a lot of these thoughts myself and I’m so stoked to see someone else independently coming up with them!

Yes 100% to Moonshadows losing a part of their own history. (And yeah, I do have a post somewhere on Ethari’s evolution. Probably called it that iirc) If we’re right about Moonshadows having lived in Katolis before the lands were divided, living right near their own Nexus as the Sunfires still do, then when they packed up and left, it’s very possible they literally couldn’t bring everything with them.

I have a quirky little hc that there are still, to this day, Moonshadow villages hiding behind ancient protection spells in Katolis, and that people wander past them every day and have no idea. But it’s one thing not to be able to pack up your actual village. It’s another to leave behind records of your people’s past, their accomplishments and dealings and discoveries.

*eyes Lujanne’s truly massive library, with its huge walls covered in runes and books* This is where the full history of the Moonshadow people probably is kept. And no one has access to it but her.

Those who headed east would only know what they carried with them, and what was handed down orally through the generations. But see, if my headcanon about the Moonshadow assassins being created at that time ends up being true, then that’s probably bad news for history and truth. When you create a whole new class within your culture, you need to bolster it with ideology. You use myth, cultural norms, and current events to make it seem important.

You tell everyone that being an assassin is the most honorable job there is. And then it’s suddenly cool to be an assassin. 

If there were no Moonshadow assassins before the humans were booted out west, then everything Runaan says to Rayla, everything he believes, is pretty young compared to his people’s full history, which he may not know, at least in its true and undistorted form. It’s an illusion. Rhetoric. Propaganda meant to hold soft elves who deeply value life to the hardest task they’ll ever undertake: taking that life from another, for a cause they cannot turn away from, a purpose they are culturally indebted to. Because their people, their princess (?), was the one who asked for the humans to be spared, and so every mistake the humans make from that point on is the Moonshadow elves’ duty to handle.

Runaan was wrong about how many ways there are to release. Has Zym truly been the only victim who wasn’t actually dead, in a whole thousand years? Honestly, probably not, knowing how politics works. But see, if you have an elite squad devoted to serving Xadia, and you tell them that their hands will literally fall off and they will die if they don’t do their jobs because there is only one way to release the ribbon they’re honor-bound to wear, they will take their target or die trying. And if you maybe exaggerated reports of the victim’s death for political purposes and actually have them in a dungeon, or they fled to the human lands as a refugee, or any number of other squirrelly options that Moonshadows aren’t naturally inclined to consider, then you can literally get away with murder-by-proxy. Or containment. Or intimidation. Or whatever your purpose is in taking out a human target who may or may not even be guilty of the crime you allege against them. It might not even be Zubeia and Avizandum’s fault. Unless they can detect truth and lies, they can be deceived by someone unscrupulous with an agenda of their own.

Long paragraph long, there are a lot of problems with the existence and practical duties of Moonshadow assassins. They’re kind of like the War Doctor: born form conflict, and thus only able to serve it, instead of peace. Yes, we all want Runaan to get his happy ending, retire, go home to his soft husband. But really, the whole institution of the assassins needs to go. It was born of war, and if Xadia and the human lands make peace, truly, then the assassins should be dissolved. As I said in one of my fics, Moonshadow assassins are Xadia’s dark magic, turning death into power. It’s gotta stop on both sides.

One of my oneshots for January’s Ruthari Week played with the idea of Ethari having a moonform instead of a shadowform, because yes to elves having two kinds of forms in each culture! I would love to see that for all the elves. And if we use Sunfire elves as a kind of roadmap, with “sun” and “fire” being the heat- and light-beings, then maybe the other elves get their two forms from their names as well. Or so my headcanon went for that fic: a moon form to balance the shadow form, where the elf’s body can glow like the full moon. I didn’t really touch on what that form’s ability would be, but I suppose, logically, it would serve as a portable full moon, powering other nearby Moonshadows even when the moon was down, or new, or a small crescent.

Okay, that’s just fun. I like that idea a lot. The only time “just stand there and look pretty” can be used as a battle tactic!

I can see Rayla getting to have the rare Moonshadow power. That would make her a good balance for Callum and his unusual arcanum as a human. Part misfit, part superpower. It would also probably be a power that puts her closer to Ethari’s soft and protective attitude, no matter what the power really is, since the assassins in Moonshadow culture have clearly adopted their natural shadowy form as a mission tactic, attacking specifically on full moon nights. Literally any other kind of power is probably going to be softer, lighter, more lively and bright, in concept if not literally so. Maybe the other power kicks in on new moons? or is available at any time? I really hope we get a second Moonshadow power of some kind. I am down for all the extra worldbuilding!

Thanks once again for your thoughts! *fist bump* Moonshadow elves. You get it.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Hurt, pt.5 (E.D.)

Summary: Three weeks later, Ethan and Y/N are in very different mindsets and while Grayson and Ethan had a heart to heart and promises were made, Grayson breaks a few

Warnings: ANGST, swearing, talk of depression, the end might be triggering and it contains depictions of blood

Word Count: 3000

Hurt - Series Masterlist

Ethan sat across from his therapist, glancing at her once or twice uncomfortably. His fingers grasped the leather chair with more force than necessary, his nails clawing at it unforgivably in a need of release - pent up anger and sadness mostly directed toward himself, it all needed a vent to come out.

“I called Grayson.” He sighed, looking down at his bouncing knees. He didn’t even realize he was doing it before, making a conscious decision to stop with the annoying habit.

“You came.” Ethan sprang to his feet, greeting his brother like an old friend. It’s been a while since they’ve hugged, let alone been civil to each other for any matter aside from work. Two months to be exact.

“Of course I did. Is she okay?” Grayson tapped his brother’s shoulder, relieved he had been on his mind long enough to make the list of people he’d call. While he had been extremely angry and disapproving of Ethan’s actions, Grayson still adored his brother more than anything. He just hoped he’d get back to some form of sanity where he could get to him.

“She’s, uh, in there. They won’t let me see her. Which is for the best, really.” Ethan folded his arms over his chest, something to hide his shaky hands from Grayson. Being open and vulnerable about his state of mind has never been easy for Ethan. He had a tendency to bottle things up and explode like a ticking time bomb. But now that he’s seen the damage, he had to come clean.

“She’s also pregnant, I think. I’m not sure, I heard something.” He added, noticing Grayson’s dumbfounded look. Grayson looked like he needed a seat himself, struggling to decide whether or not to be happy about being an uncle or devastated the baby would be born in a broken marriage.

“I broke things off with Bianca. Think I might need an assistant again. And someone to cover for me at work because I…I’m going to check myself into a mental institution. Tonight. Now.” Ethan knew he was throwing too much new information at his brother, but he needed to bring him up to speed before he took the plunge. He had to know his Y/N would be taken care of properly in his name.

He wasn’t a fan of doctor Henstridge, but the man had a point. Y/N is in a horrible position now and the pregnancy makes it even harder. If he wants her safe, he needs to remove himself from the equation for a while. Just enough to heal himself. Just until he can start thinking straight and make good decisions for the future.

“I think I’m going to lose it.” Grayson reached for his inhaler, in need of a breath he couldn’t seem to find on his own as his heart beats wildly fast and his lungs constricted painfully.

“It’s bad, Gray. I can’t be a good dad or husband when I can’t even help myself. I’ll go, do the work and the moment I’m out I will grovel for forgiveness.” Ethan leaned into his seat, tears pooling in his brown eyes - the color Y/N never knew she could love so much or that she’d look for in every man’s eyes, but the shade was never quite right as it was in Ethan’s, undeniably more attractive and enticing than any other brown eyes she had ever seen.

“I’ll take her home with me. Clara will know what to do. They’ve always been close.” Grayson spoke slowly, unsure what to say about his brother’s decision to check into an institution. On one hand, Grayson admired his bravery, on the other, he feared it. The first time around, they had both been in the darkness. They had each other and somehow they made it through. But for Ethan, his proud brother, to decide he needs inpatient treatment? That was terrifying.

“If she asks, tell her I’m in Australia for business or something. Just don’t tell her the truth.” Ethan swiped his thumb under his nose, sniffling.

“Why? Why don’t you talk to her? Clear the air before disappearing for a minimum of two weeks?!” Grayson raised his voice which got him shushed by nurse Jackie immediately. He nodded as if to apologize, returning his attention to his broken brother.

“No.” Ethan was sure of his answer.

“What I did comes with consequences. I can’t just walk in there and tell her I’m a depressed fuck-up who left her for someone else who I knew wasn’t right for me all along. In fact, I wasn’t even going to leave her that day. I just wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to be honest and tell her I love her more than anything but I thought I felt something real for someone else. I had no intention of acting on those feelings and I was going to tell her something wasn’t right with me, but she got so angry.” Ethan paused, his lips quivering. Hoping to hide his fallen defenses, he ran a hand over his chin, covering his mouth as he continued.

“She got angry and she didn’t want to listen. Then I got angry and I let her lash out and I let her walk away thinking she would be better off anyway. It’s still on me. I let her walk out. I wasn’t completely open with her. My choices hurt us and I refuse to use my depression as an excuse, a hook to draw her back in based on guilt and worry.” Ethan stood, walking over to the door that separated him from the love of his life who had fallen asleep with the help of a mild sedative, unaware of his unraveling in front of her room.

“If she ever takes me back, I don’t want it to be because I’m fucked in the head. I want it to be because I made some kind of a redeeming decision that had benefited her and our child.” Taking in a deep breath, he turned to Grayson.

“I love her more than anything. I’m not dragging her down with me. So you take care of her for me, okay?” Ethan smiled meekly as he stepped closer to his brother.

“And give her this when you deem she’s able to take it.” Ethan slipped a piece of paper in Grayson’s hand before turning around and walking out.

“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Ethan’s voice breaks and his psychiatrist nods. She already saw progress in him, even if it’s been just three weeks. She believed her client would be okay eventually, that he’d heal. He would find a way to return to society in time.

“Everyone manages their depression differently. Some keep pretending nothing’s wrong and just go through the motions. Others manage to burn their life to the ground…some take other’s down with them. I’m proud of you and the decisions you’ve made. You were selfless, you cared. But you will need support to claw your way back up.”

Meanwhile, Grayson had done as Ethan asked. It wasn’t easy, but he had convinced Y/N she could trust him. She didn’t mention the possible pregnancy Ethan did, but it didn’t stop Grayson from acting like an overprotective proxy for Ethan.

That day, Grayson waited until morning for Y/N to wake up before coming into her room. She was awake and talking, a faint smile upon her lips and he knew she was doing better. She wasn’t well versed in faking emotion, one of the things he loved about his sister in law. She was always honest about her heart and Grayson always knew what to expect – no hidden motives, what you see is what you get.

“I was worried sick, but you seem to be doing well.” Grayson cleared his throat, eyeing the blonde man who was talking to her way too closely considering his position. This doctor had crossed boundaries and Grayson didn’t quite like it. There’s a reason ethics exists and there’s a pretty solid rule on having a professional relationship with your patients.

“Gray?!” She pushed herself up into a sitting position, her eyes wide and locked on the door behind her brother in law. It’s as if she was waiting for Ethan to come in after him, to ask her to talk to him or clear things. For some ungodly reason, Y/N spent the whole night dreaming of Ethan coming to her rescue. In her dreams it was all perfect as it used to be – her Ethan being as kind and as gentle as he was when they met, as adventurous and sweet as he was in their relationship, as loving and romantic as he was in their marriage. She missed that version of him terribly.

“I’ve been called as next of kin. Wanted to bring you home. Clara can’t wait to have your around more and the kids are already decorating the guest room.” Grayson smiled, stepping closer to her bed with a quick glance at the doctor who kept a close eye on him. It’s evident the doctor doesn’t trust him, probably assuming he’d just take her back to Ethan, the bad guy in his mind.

“Oh. I can’t. You know I can’t.” She heard her voice crack, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she tried to keep herself together. Going to Grayson’s meant seeing Ethan and she didn’t know if she wanted to. Her subconscious seemed to urge her to see him, but her conscious wanted her as far as possible. Her brain would remind her of the pain inflicted upon her by his careless words and traitorous actions and she was scared of feeing anymore of it. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin and while she was dancing on the line between the two, she preferred to hate him for what he had done. It’s much easier to hate him than love him, because if she loved him still, she’d have to hate herself. So, yes, to love herself, Y/N had to hate Ethan.

“He’s gone to Australia. You won’t even see him. He’ll be gone for a while.” Grayson reassured her, noticing her features fall but a curt nod followed.

“Great.” She piped up, turning to doctor Henstridge. “I supposed you can get me discharged then?” Her lips curled up at the corners, managing to get a prompt response.

“Yes, of course. We still have to talk about –“ Edward cleared his throat awkwardly as he glanced at her belly only to resume eye contact a moment later, “your, uh, situation.”

“Situation?” Grayson cocked his head to the side, hoping she’d tell him of her pregnancy. However, all she did is smile up at him – she wouldn’t lie to him, but she wouldn’t tell him anything just yet. It didn’t feel like the right time.

“All in good time, Gray.”

Grayson kept a close eye on Y/N, feeling his anxiety grow as he pulled his wife aside for a quick question.

“Did she tell you anything?” He spoke to Clara, but he didn’t even look her way. No. Grayson’s eyes have been trained on Y/N since he brought her home and while she spent most of her time with his kids or on that porch swing he and Ethan built for Clara in their house. Ethan had talked him into building a matching one on his porch as well, mostly because Y/N was the reading type and he insisted he wanted her to have a porch swing.

She would sneak a peek at her porch swing from across the river, back at the house she and Ethan designed themselves. It was on the same property as Grayson’s house, separated by a river and a small woodsy area, two minutes away and very visible from her current position. It looked the same, as if it wasn’t the place her hopes have burned to ashes.

“You really want to live in the middle of nowhere?” Ethan questioned, his arms tightly wrapped around her waist, securing her to his body as if she were a balloon and she could fly away from him any second now. She placed her hands on his arms, drawing in a deep breath as she stared at the old house that definitely needed fixing up and vision, but she had it. She knew that the house had potential even if it was a rubble. He didn’t know it then, but when they met, she could still see his rubble. Despite what he thinks, she loved the rubble and she loved every crack because she saw the potential beauty behind it. And she believed that in this moment, as they were talking about buying a huge property with his twin brother, that the potential beauty she saw had truly come to life.

“It’s big and Grayson could get the one on the other side and you’d still have your own place but also your brother whenever you wanted to.” She turned in his arms, wrapping her own around his neck loosely.

“I dream of us starting a big family on this property. I can see the porch swing you’d make Grayson build me, the bay windows, the swings we’d get for the kids and the trampoline because you want to have one despite your age.” She smiled as he chuckled, aware he’s on board with the plan.

“Little Ethan and Y/N running around, driving us nuts.” Ethan licked his lips, his eyes glued to hers as if there was nothing more important in the world but the way she made his heart beat whenever her eyes bore into his.

“I love the vision as long as I’m part of it.” He decided, leaning in to press his lips to hers.

She could almost taste his lips as the memory had faded, catching a sob in her throat before it sounded. Every moment spent together was now a painful memory. They are sharp, and cut right through her she thinks about their past. Even the sweet good moments they had are now turned into a knife that kills her already broken heart.

Ethan had pierced her soul; made her skeptical about people and love. And she can’t help but hate him. She fucking hates him for that, for turning her into this broken mess, and even if she never saw him again, his touch will be with her for years, or maybe for the rest of her life, who knows. But she will see him again. She felt it in her bones. After all, she was to bear his children and she had decided she wouldn’t hide it from him. He’s an asshole, but he deserves to know he’s going to be a father.

“I’m sure he’ll love you guys. I’m sure he’ll be a bit shocked about the numbers, but he always said he wanted three kids. I guess that’s going to be something he can cross off his bucket list now. Unless Bianca gives him more.” She sighed, shaking her head to stop the thoughts from overpowering her.

“I never expected to have three at once, but at least I can close shop after.” She chuckled, wiping a persistent tear off her cheek as she placed a palm over her lower abdomen, unaware she’s no longer alone.

“Three?” Grayson breathes out, holding onto the porch swing as he lowers himself on his knees, half out of his mind. That’s something he didn’t see coming. He expected one, but three? He wondered if Ethan knew. Or if he didn’t, would he have done the same if he did?

“Please don’t tell him. Let me.” Y/N turned to Grayson, her lips pressed together in a thin line as she pleaded.

“I won’t. But…you should know he and Bianca aren’t together and from what he last told me they never will be.” Grayson wanted to at least open the door for his brother to have a place to come home to once he returns. If he couldn’t tell her anything else, he’d do this for them both. A small act of kindness.

“Wha-what the hell do you mean by that? Because he told me he loves her.” Y/N stood, her insides shaking – from pain or anger? She couldn’t tell.

“He said he never wanted a divorce. He thought he felt something for her, but he said it was just the mist of their past clouding his judgment. He wouldn’t have acted upon his feelings, but you wouldn’t hear him out and you left him, serving him with papers a month later.” Grayson defended his brother only to receive a scoff in disbelief on Y/N’s side. She felt herself shake, certain she’s enraged this time around.

“I WOULDN’T LISTEN?” She was losing control once more, her head pounding. “HE TOLD ME HE LOVES SOMEONE ELSE AND THEN HE LET ME SIT IN AGONIZING SILENCE AS WE WATCHED YOUR KIDS!” It felt like her throat would be scratched raw by her shouting, but she could care less. She was brought back to the edge she thought she walked away from and it threatened to make her fall again.

“I can’t believe the crap that comes out of his mouth.” She giggled, but her giggle quickly turned to a sob as she clutched her stomach. She had to bite her lip to keep herself from crying out, doubling down.

“What’s happening right now?!” Grayson jumped back to his feet, his arms open to catch her if she falls. He couldn’t tell if this was a real emergency or her simply trying to find a way to process what he told her.

But Y/N didn’t even think about Ethan right now. She felt something warm…something liquid come out of her. She felt herself growing faint for when she opened her eyes, blood began to drop on the porch and she didn’t need to check to know where it’s coming from.

She didn’t hold back her tears any longer.

“I think I’m having a miscarriage.”

Tags: @melodiesforari @brittttneyyyy @beautorigin  @dolandolll @xalayx @godlydolans @heyits-claire @peacedolantwins @dolanstwintuesday @accalialionheart @ethanhes @lanadeldolans @ebbach-03 @dolangels  @xxaamzxx @cutestdolans @yaren-ates @dolansmith @vintagebitttch @primadolangirl @caqsicle @jjustjoy @justordinaryjen @graydolan12 @imaginashawnns @graysonslovie @fandomsfeministsandothershit @bdsmdolan @graysavant @ethanspillow @dopedoodes @anything-dolan  @sugarfootdolan @joyrivh​ @reblogserpent​ @jonesana​