#as in: i cant even bring myself to go to a nice spa day or find a massage therapist for my aches and pains

[calamitys-child]

Have you ever been to the Pipeworks and if so what is it like

I never have unfortunately - trying to find a trans friendly sauna/spa let alone a trans friendly ~sauna/spa~ is a scary enough concept to me, and I don't know what the vibes would be. It's the kind of thing I'd hypothetically enjoy going to but every time I consider it I just get scared tbh

[rabbitrz]

Not coming around

I got back to my social networking life last week. My last conversion with him was when I was disabling apps was about the trip. He told me that he will know his schedule probably a week after. Same.. I just keep waiting.. It is quite cliche. He did not come around next week or few week later. My birthday, only thing he cared was his new iphone X. He didnt say happy birthday. Only question that I even already prepared to answer a night before. I knew what he is going ask. haha. "what will you do today?" I just feel like I knew all his patterns. Yesterday, I finally decided to message him about the trip again. Actually, nothing surprised me in his answer. The silence is one message. It is just just like a confirmation that I was right. He wont run away if I ask. He wont just tell me before I ask him either. He will just get around and turn me to "you should join me ( of what I planned)". I even think that he probabaly surprise on how I react. He did care about me at all. I know it but I just dont get myself understand. I was doing face spa but my tear keep coming out. Good how the staff didnt ask me about it. I just dont know how to answer. Many times that I told myself this will be last time. He just know how to get me back on track. I was done this time since he didnt care and even dont want me to visit US in last Summer. I told myself.. ok.. just a few days in HK then I am really done with this. He just came around and said nice things. Gave me kiss emos on messages. Talked about future. Told me I should bring him along on my trip. I was good for kid because he is a big kid. All I told myself.. he is just be friendly. It is all confusing when I try to interpret. When I responsed like I know he was kidding, he just seems to disappear. My sense all mess up and I am so tired. I told myself.. If there is something, it will happen long time ago. I dont see any progress. Only back and forth thaf never end up nicely.

I remember when I was falling so deep as I had to call my bestfriend. I said "I fell in love with someone". She asked "who?". I told her his name and keep smiling. I was staying with host that weekend in UK. It is a great feeling ever. I remembered I sent him a lot of host's cat pics. It took him about five time to just remember my name since we first met. I dint know why do I remember that. We met at unibus interchange and I thought he is Korean. His hair is unique in a good way. I am now so tired of falling for him over two years. I am tired of fighting alone. All people around us know I love him. It is probably him that pretend and dont want to know how I feel. It is probably just because he still wants to keep me as a friend. Lots of time I asked myself that question. Why does he want to be friend with me. I got mad at him so many times and being emotional. I hate when he make fun of my feeling. Make fun of what I wrote in Line. He didnt know that there are only 4 person that I allow to see post there. I just kept posting it. I even can imagin how he will talk to his friend after he reading this things and found out what I thought all the time. I can hear even "wow" that will be at the end of the sentence he will add. He might winder what should he do. Do nothing.

Anyways, I dont think it will be any further post here. I dont think he will come around. It is funny that I feel so hurt even that was what I wanted so bad when he came around after HK trip. I just wanted to get everything about him out of my sight. Then it is me that I cant do it. He wasn't same person that make me smile every morning. No one can. Everything always change. Me either.

What I am going to do next, I know it will ruin all memeory and friendship. I guess it is better to let him know why I couldnt talk to him anymore. It is not he did anything wrong. It is just all about me cant handle my feeling. I am in a greatly pain and someday I will be better. I knew it for sure that I will miss his attention, his jokes and his complaint and his advices.