#as if the people watching the non televised stream of the 15th place us women

[a-birdhouse-in-your-soul]

adam saying “she’s going for a fully clean free skate” is funny because 1) isn’t everyone doing that?? and 2) the she in question completely splatted 0.2 seconds later

[junker-town]

‘The Bachelor' episode 6 recap: Nothing, except for Kristina, goes right for Nick at all

A million people get way too drunk, cry, and get sent home.

Hello Sports Bachelor Nation. I’m so glad you decided to join me for this very important recap of this very important show.

Before we get going, however, I have to apologize for two things. First, I’m sorry for skipping last week because I was in Houston for the Super Bowl. Media night was at the same dang time as The Bachelor, and I couldn’t figure out how to stream the show at the player’s press conferences I had to cover. I did, however, ask the brightest stars in the NFL if they thought The Bachelor was sports, so hopefully that made up for it a little bit.

Secondly, I missed the fist half hour of this episode because I was flying back from Houston. Moral of the story: Houston is a wonderful city, but it is the enemy of my Bachelor recaps.

Anyway, let’s do this.

WELCOME TO ST. THOMAS, BUENVENIDOS A ST. THOMAS

I get out of the cab, grab my bag, thank the driver, and sprint into my house to turn on the TV. One of my roommates is sitting on the couch watching the Wizards play the Cavaliers, and before we even say hello after not seeing each other for 10 days he goes, “I know, I know, The Bachelor,” gets off the couch, and turns the channel to ABC.

My roommate is a saint.

I turn on the TV, and Nick and his merry band of women are in St. Thomas. I can’t imagine anything particularly important happened in the first 30 minutes of the show. Someone did tweet at me that Corinne said, “Cats have 9 lives, bitches have 2,” which is the most accurate statement I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

"I love her. Raquel’s gonna be jealous.” -Corinne #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/kX75GFxytc

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 7, 2017

Oh, also, Nick sent a bunch of people home, including Alexis, the dolphin girl, which is total garbage because she ruled.

Anyway, down in St. Thomas — which is Spanish for “Let’s Pretend Our Feelings Are Real” — we meet Lorna, a housekeeper at the hotel where they’re staying (which is a Marriott, in case you were wondering #productplacement). Corinne lights up because Lorna reminds her of her nanny, Raquel. Corinne seems more into Lorna than she is Nick.

I think that all Corinne wants is someone to take care of her. A maternal figure to anchor her in this sea of young women. I don’t totally blame her.

KRISTINA TELLS NICK ABOUT HER INCREDIBLE LIFE

"When I’m with you, I feel like you bring color to my life.” – Nick #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/iDrcmpCfqZ

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 7, 2017

OK, so I see what I must’ve missed — the day portion of Kristina’s date. I was hoping I’d come in a quarter of the way through to find that the entire cast of the show had all been abducted by aliens or something equally nuts, but it looks like business as usual. Which is, in this case, a white tablecloth, some candles, and red wine.

I’m about to yell into the kitchen to make fun of all of this to my roommate, who’s now watching the game on his computer in there, but then Kristina proceeds to tell Nick the most moving story I’ve ever heard on reality television.

She grew up in Russia with her mother, and they didn’t ever have enough food, to the extent that Kristina used to try to eat lipstick. Her mother (who is now dead) abandoned her one day, and she ended up in an orphanage. She was eventually adopted and brought to the United States when she was 12 years old.

Kristina was nervous about getting adopted, but the woman at the orphanage told her, “If you stayed in Russia, your life would be black and white. Go to America. Your life will be in color.”

If that’s not an allegory for absolutely everything that’s happened in our country in the past, oh, say, three months, I don’t know what is.

Nick is moved, though he seems slightly out of his element. He says Kristina has a “mature grasp and an appreciation for life.” They make out and leave the date to a chorus of steel drums. Because, as the old saying goes, “it’s not a tropical episode of The Bachelor if there aren’t steel drums.”

DRUNK VOLLEYBALL: THE WORST GROUP DATE OF ALL TIME

The return of the baby dinosaur from @BachParadise! #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/3uy6fUZvFW

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 7, 2017

Nick and his ladiez are going to the beach on a group date. The women are all wearing bikinis, which — much like their chic activewear — are all way cooler than any bikini I have ever owned. Being on national television in a bikini is my nightmare. These women are #brave.

So is Nick, because he’s wearing short shorts. I appreciate a man unafraid to show a little upper thigh.

Jasmine G., the Warriors dancer, is losing her mind because she’s the only person who hasn’t had one-on-one time with Nick. She’s getting aggressive on the volleyball court, shoving Corinne, diving for the ball. This is because she’s borderline blacked out.

Seriously: It looks like it’s 10 in the morning, and the gang is taking their 15th shot. Everyone is hammered — Nick’s running around doing the same baby dinosaur impression he did on Bachelor in Paradise (which is, to be fair, pretty good), and the women are doing that I’m-too-drunk-to-be-walking-on-sand-but-I’m-trying-it-anyway thing with each step they take.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Getting absolutely trashed on The Bachelor is the whole point. You think those tears cry themselves? No, folks, those are vodka-soda, tequila-shot induced tears. In fact, I’m pretty sure that just the act of going on The Bachelor turns the salt water in your ducts into Fireball.

Raven says, “If Jasmine were a vegetable she’d be a turnip. Because she’s turned all the way up.”

But Raven is right. Jasmine’s on the war path, yelling about not getting time with Nick. The other women are unraveling, too. The producers managed to feed these people so much alcohol that they fast-forwarded a noon-time party to the point in the night where it’s 3 a.m. and you're crying in a stairwell to your best friend as you sit in a pizza box wearing your shoes on your hands.

The people at ABC are maniacal geniuses.

Everyone is now sitting on their own corner of the beach crying. They’re ostensibly upset because Nick hugged Corinne, but in actuality, they just got too drunk.

“This is pretty much a disaster,” says Nick.

THE WORST GROUP DATE EVER, NIGHT EDITION

Rachel (the lawyer who’s still way too good for this show) and Nick are trying to have a conversation about how Rachel wants to go home, because maybe she finally realized she’s way too good for this show. She won’t leave, obviously, but watching these two — who are still drunk as skunks — try to have a conversation about their feelings after downing shots of sugary alcohol all day is very entertaining. They keep talking over each other.

It reminds me of Drunk History. Like, the original drunk history. The best one. This one:

Nick tells Rachel how nervous he’s been that this whole thing won’t work out (he’s been having mild panic attacks, he says, and I’m like, “who among us?”). I kind of feel bad for the guy. Though it’s hard to take him seriously when he’s so sunburned and soaked in booze.

JASMINE GOES NUCLEAR

Nick needs to be on DEFCON 5 for Jasmine, because she’s about to blow this place up, I can tell. She’s getting drunker and drunker and more and more worked up about not having a chance to get to know him, so by the time they sit down at picnic tables, she’s like a Tasmanian Devil tearing through the Australian outback looking for whatever it is Tasmanian Devils eat.

She lights into Nick and says, “I wanna *bleeping* choke you.” I think she’s trying to ask if he’s into that, in, like, a sex way, but it’s not coming across that clearly. I also don’t think he’s into getting choked in a sex way, judging by his reaction.

I’m getting such bad second-hand embarrassment that I wish the floor would open up and swallow me so I don’t have to watch this.

Well, then...#TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/ZoBQcP8Kyw

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 7, 2017

Nick sends Jasmine home. As he walks along the beach after getting rid of her, he looks as exhausted as I feel, which makes sense: Covering a Super Bowl and being on The Bachelor require the same amount of emotional energy because they are, after all, both sports.

DANIELLE AND WHITNEY GO ON A TWO-ON-ONE DATE AND EVERYTHING IS STILL TERRIBLE

Nick takes Whitney and Danielle L. on a two-on-one date from which only one can return. However, neither of them do.

It’s all pretty boring so I’m going to skip it, but, basically, Nick doesn’t love Whitney and he also doesn’t love Danielle. I’m not totally paying attention while Nick sends these women home because the Cavs-Wizards game has gotten so insanely good. Like, we’re talking maybe one of the best non-playoff games I’ve ever seen. I make my roommate bring his computer into the living room so I can watch both sports at the same time.

“I wasn’t perfect,” I hear Danielle say between the time that LeBron James misses a layup and then makes an insane three.

“You’ll be fine, Danielle,” I say, “neither is LeBron.”

VANESSA AND DANIELLE M. MIGHT HAVE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME

Vanessa and Danielle M. are so concerned about this two-on-one date that neither of them are going on that they’ve had at least two very serious discussions about it. I think they’re starting to go a little nuts being cooped up in a house together for six weeks with only Nick to think about. This show is creepy sometimes.

NICK CRIES TO HIS REMAINING GIRLFRIENDS

"I just wanted to be honest. I just wanted to be real with you guys..." - Nick #TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/iBRok5rrtu

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 7, 2017

So, because Nick sent three women home this episode, all we have left are Kristina, Rachel, Danielle, Vanessa, Corinne, and Raven. I think. I could be forgetting one, but I don’t think I am.

Nick comes in to tell the women that he sent a million of them home. He can’t stop crying.

Corinne’s face is like, “Wait, I wasn’t supposed to make it this far, I just wanted more Instagram followers...?”

What. Is. Happening?#TheBachelor http://pic.twitter.com/tl4N722bJW

— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) February 7, 2017

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” Nick says. He leaves the room in tears.

The women are also crying now, except for Corinne, because she’s smarter than literally everyone in the entire world. They show Nick going up to his suite as adventure movie music plays in the background for some reason, and I love imagining the producer who was like, “you know what? Imma hit ‘em with a little Indiana Jones for this closing sequence.”

Danielle M. is shook. I know this because she says, “that just shook me.”

We end the episode with outtakes of Corinne trying dark chocolate, which she thinks is gross. One of the other women appears to have her arm around her. Corinne cracks me up, and I bet the other women actually like her more than they let on. Hell, I’d hang with Corinne. Corinne, if you’re out there, let me cut up some cucumbers for you and make you some Cheese Pasta sometime. I know how.

Next week, however, I think some of the women might start to like Corinne a little less, because it’s finally the episode they’ve been teasing forever where Corinne says that her heart is gold but her “vagine” is platinum.

I can’t wait.