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r00en · 5 years ago

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Still Good-Chapter 7

Midoriya what's to know more about the number three hero in America.

All Might / Reader (OC)

This one is mostly just Paladin talking to Midoriya about her quirk and fleshing out the differences between the US and Japan when it comes to how hero’s work. It also touches on quirk breeding and how quirks effect jobs and employment in society....a little. To make up for the fact that this is much more of a slow burn that I expected I’ll write part 2 of Caught.

"Hm? You want to know more about my quirk?"

The near violent bouncing of Midoriya pulled a small giggle from the nurse as she finished wrapping up his finger. Sure she was going to have to do it at least twenty more times before the end of the month at his rate. His legs kicked slightly under the cot he was perched on trying his best to contain that near aggressive fan boy excitement that was rushing through his body. "Yes please! You were the number three hero in America for almost five years without ever having beaten a villain yourself! I want to know how you did it!"

Paladin sighed and stood up, rubbing the back of her head in a bit of embarrassment. "Well when you put it like that it sounds more like an accident huh?" her nervous chuckle sent the young boy into another mild panic and wave of muttering. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you! What I mean is your style of combat and fighting villains is unlike that of any other hero! I want to know how that's possible!" They both watched other for a moment at the old hero tried her best to think of a good response that might calm him down. "Alright, what sort of thing do you want to know?"

As if she had opened the flood gates the green haired student raced into a long winded stream of questions. His notebook and pen in hand ready to write down every word she said. "I know you're Recovery Girls granddaughter and quirks are often inherited but also mutate with each genetic passing from parent to child but what sort of change did your quirk go through that makes it so different from hers? For that matter Recover Girl is far from a front line fighter and is know as one of the best support hero's so what make you decide you want to fight rather than use your powers as back up and after combat care? Did you use any support items at all while you were a hero? Did they enhance your healing capabilities or give you an offensive edge in your battles?! what about-" A hand came down on Midoriya's head with a soft yet stern wack which quickly silenced his sudden outburst. "S-sorry! Sorry...."

After a brief pause to make sure he had gotten his ranting out of his system or at least had control over it, Paladin sat back in her seat and tapped her chin. "Well then let's see....my quirk is pretty simple when you think about it. It is generally just recovery. Like grandma I'm able to heal wounds rapidly on others. Though exactly like her's there is a limit to the amount of healing I can give someone without causing undo stress on their bodies and possibly killing them. Which of course means major life threatening injury's are out of my range unfortunately." The young student was already scribbling down in a page with her hero name painted in bold large letters at the top. Her her horror there was also a crude drawing of her in her old hero costume from years back. Hopefully no one else would be peaking into those books any time soon.

"If that's the case...then how can your own body heal so quickly during battle. In your fight against the Code Weaver you were impaled on iron spikes from the rubble of a building....and against Lady Dino she managed to rip your leg off TWICE! You can regrow your own limbs and different body parts so how come that doesn't apply to others." He spoke like this was such a normal thing to talk about. Horrible mutilation at the hands of villains. Perhaps in this day and age it was. Something Toshi was trying so desperately to avoid for years and something he still grew dark and somber about when it was mentioned around him. Now that she was also confronted with the cold facts of her time as a hero she understood why her dear 'friend' acted the way he did and seemed to want nothing to do with her old time as a hero. Outside of the nice press releases, interviews and seamless happy rescues that was. He adored those beyond belief and often replayed them while they ate dinner together. But major battles were off the table. She god it now.

Tapping her pen against the young students medical report she wondered if it would be best to explain her great strengths and weakness to a child. Then again he was meant to be learning after all and All Might held the boy in great regard. "Mmm...it's like this. Say I'm healing a broken leg on you, that uses life energy which drains quickly when the speed of recovery is increased draining to much can kill you...but my body heals itself so rapidly that the rate at which my life energy is replaced far exceeds that at which it's expended. Like a small crack at the bottom of a water bottle. I also don't have to direct my quirk to work to set parts of my body. As long as I activate it it will seek out the injury and repair it without any other help from me. When healing others since it's not my own body and one I'm accustom to it's better to use Grandmas techniques and assess the damage and distribute my quirk in smaller doses. Your body can't keep up the same way mine can so it's safer that way."

"Right...that makes sense! But You said something before about being able to tell what's wrong with a body but unlike Recovery Girl you never went to medical school....how-" "Well that's my father quirk." "You have two?!" "N-no quite....ah...you see it's not very uncommon for selective quirk breeding to come about accidentally." Midoriya gave a look that screamed confusion "W-what I mean is, often times you'll find in very select fields of work people will commonly have the same quirk type. You know doctors marrying doctors, construction workers with construction workers. These special fields often allow the use of quirks which draws the same kind together in large groups. Hospitals are often filled with support quirks that are pratical for anyone in the health industry to have." tapping her lip Paladin got a grave look on her face "Which is a bit of a downfall....now it's less likely for those without these special catered quirks to get into the fields of study and work that they wish. There are drawbacks to this hero society we created..." The pair of them kept silent for a moment. If Midoriya was honest he did never think of it that way. Some people weren't exactly free to decide what they did in life. Their quirk often dictated a path they might not have chosen for themselves. It also often shattered their dreams if it didn't line up correctly. A fact he himself knew all to well.

"B-but back to what I was saying! People in the same line of work often have the same type of quirk which will lead to accidental quirk breeding! The round about legal if not accidental way of breeding powerful advanced quirks! My grandfathers was being about to feel an injury or illness in a person. He couldn't correct it but he could often diagnose a problem given enough time." "And your father" "Ah...he could rewire the body to respond differently to things like pain and stress. He was a physical therapist. But my grandfathers works in favor with mine! As I said my quirk though the body I can feel the issues as it passes over injury. If you told me your shoulder hurt I might not be able to tell right away by looking exactly what part of your shoulder but if my quirk passes it it more or less reports back to me what it's doing to correct the issue. If it's not a wound or injury, something like All Might's muscle stress I can help him by telling his body to relax and pull pressure off the scar tissue around his trauma areas."

The boys hands clapped together as if he just recalled something important. "Oh yeah! I see All Might come by here all the time! Is that what you two are doing? Physical therapy?" The sudden rush of blood that raced it's way to Paladins cheeks was far to fast for her to hide or get a handle over. Spinning herself around in her office chair she faced the wall and started to laugh nervously. "W-Well he's a good friend of mine after all! O-o-of course I would want to help him with any pain he might be under! That's what friends do right!? Friends help friends!? He also comes to see grandmother too so it's not just me! There's no way he just comes here to see me or eat lunch together! That would be silly who would do such a thing!?" Her sudden outburst seemed to go over the boys head who just sat there with a serious look on his face.

"Your power seems incredible....maybe if you could reverse All Might's injury...." A hand came down to ruffle the body green hair. Over with her little panic session Paladin smiled down at him with an almost sad look of mourning. "I'm sorry Midoriya....no quirk in the world is going to be able to bring All Might back. Even when it happened it took three different quirk users just to keep him stable. The damage is far too great." They both shared a somber moment. As if once again reliving the time they learned that All Might was gone, at least the symbol of peace, was hitting them all over again. A somber air hung in the office and felt cool and damp. The young student was the first to snap out of it. "Oh yeah, we didn't go over your weaknesses. If that's alright I mean not all hero's like to disclose that sort of thing."

Ruffling his hair again Paladin sat back. "Nah it's fine. I'm not in the hero business any more and if I'm going to be taking care of you kids it's good that you know my limitations. Let's see, as I said before like Recovery Girl I can't heal others to great extents. My support abilities are handy but no replacement for major surgery and at times it's far better to let the body heal naturally over time. You know this stuff already after grandma filled you in during the entrance exam. For me personally there are a few major flaws in my quirk. For one thing some types of damage start to degrade the cells in the body. Fire is the first one that springs to mind. Burnt up cells can't regenerate properly with is why burn scars are normally so much more unnatural looking. They can't reshape correctly. It takes much longer for my healing to do it's job if the area is effected by a fire quirk. Same goes for chemical type burns. I'm no good against acid villains. But I would say my biggest is the fact that I need to activate my quirk. It's not something that happens naturally. If I'm knock unconscious I won't heal."

"But I've seen you get hit tons of times and get right back up! None of those ever knocked you out before?"

"Oh no plenty of them did! Most I'm guessing. But that's were my training comes in. I need to predict an enemy's move and determine if the impact will in fact knock me out and activate my quirk just seconds before the blow lands. If I'm able to do that my healing will rush to the head injury and often fix allowing me to wake up and finish the job myself!" "I see! So by reading your opponents moves you can cushion the blow AND preemptively heal yourself before any damage is done!" "Right! Smart kid! But this dosn't work with natural suppressants or drugs. If a villain is using a sleep gas my body won't respond to the attack as it thinks the effect is harmless. Like white blood cells and cancer. If there isn't something it deems a threat I can't target it to heal. I'll be out for the fight!"

"So while your power seems amazing and unstoppable it really does have some major down falls. I never even thought of these sorts of things..." "Every quirk has it's weak points. It's all about finding them and exploiting them in a fight if you want to win. I have next to no offensive abilities but my healing allows me to wear out criminals, assess their quirks and expose their weaknesses to other hero's. I'm sure you know in America most hero agencies work with team based hero groups over single hero's. You guys often team up in Japan but there are very few groups that work together full time. That's one of the big reasons I was able to be a front line hero! I don't think I would have stood a chance here in Japan." It was true, hero's in Japan often worked alone or with one to two side kicks at best. It allowed the agencies to spread hero's across the map without having to cluster them in smaller locations. But in America hero's were often paired into large groups of six or more. All large names with rather impressive statistics and track records. Of course there were solo hero's but since the cities were set up so different it made more second for a network of hero's to control a single city and allow smaller hero's to branch out into less hostile areas. It worked well enough and often the threat of large hero's with vast communication and skill working together as a group often scared away the larger criminals or networks if villains. Its easy to get past a hero or two but a large group with comparable quirks and skill working together was a far different thing.

Midoriya beamed up at the nurse as he snapped his note book shut. "This is great! Thank you so much Paladin! I had no idea your quirk was so advanced! What made you suddenly decide to work here at UA? Seem's like such a step down from your heroing..."

Her voice caught in her throat, fingers clutched tightly to her work skirt unsure how to answer. Instead she opted to ruffle his hair again and laugh. "Ah it just wasn't for me anymore! I would much rather help the next generation be the best they can be! Besides grandma asked for my help. I couldn't really refuse." The slide of the office door caused both of them to turn with a sudden startled jump.

"You ready to go Paladin? If we catch this next train I might be able to get the soup started sooner so we won't need to eat so- Y-young Midoriya!?" There stood as flustered and tired looking All Might. His face painted a light pink at the realization that he just outed the two of them with their dinner plans. "You two....eat together?" Both the staff members scrambled, looking at each other and waving frantically at the young student who sat ridged and shocked. "Wait All Might! Is this the staff member you were asking advice about on the beach?!" Paladin looked at Toshi with a sly expression, trying desperately not to tease him. This wasn't the time though she did get a rather warm and fuzzy feeling over knowing he was even asking students for advice about her. What ever that meant.

"T-T-That's! It's not! Y-young Midoriya this is hardly the time or place to be asking such personal questions from your teacher!" He tried his best to put on that stern authority voice but the tremble in it wasn't very convincing. "You should be heading home now, don't leave your mother worried!" As if remembering the time the student jumped up from the cot and shoved his notebook away in his book bag. "Shoot you're right! Thank you All Might! And Paladin! Thank you so much for the information on your quirk! I'll be sure to study it!" Both of them watched as he scrambled down the hall deciding at least for now that it was alright for him to run. Once he was out of sight they both let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. "I don't think he'll remember. I packed his head so full of hero facts that should keep him busy for a while."

Toshi chucked and rubbed his neck nervously. "Yeah? Sorry about that....I figured everyone went home already. Thank goodness it wasn't Aizawa." The thought of that dark looming man and his icy grin and knowing eyes set a shiver down Toshi's spine. "Small favors...." Paladin nudged his side softly to get his attention and the smile she gave him warmed him almost instantly. "Let's get going yeah? Now you have me in the mood for this soup you mentioned!" "R-right..." As the shut down her office, Toshi flicking the lights off and locking the door for her he thought of something.

"You were teaching Young Midoriya about your quirk?" "Mhm, he wanted to know exactly how it worked and how it's different from Grandmothers. We went over strengths and weaknesses and all that, I was sure to remind him that combat training even without a quirk is an important tool to read your opponents moves and react accordingly. I think I might have a hand for this teaching stuff after all!" The happy tone in her voice plastered a smile on his thin face. She didn't have to be so kind, go out of her way to help the students like she did and think of all the little ways to help them improve even outside of her designated job as school nurse. This was something so special about that light she carried within her that Toshi found himself drawn to it like a moth. Happy to just be dazzled by it from afar.

#MHA #All Might x Reader #All Might/reader #Toshinori Yagi #my hero acadamy #fan fiction #midoriya

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yasminsqueendom · 5 years ago

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Antique the Vamp Geek Pt1 Ep12

CW: The usual (stress, anxiety,anger)

A/N: Another good old Q and A

W/C: 1994

So hey, I feel like I’ve gotten away from my original purpose here. Y’all have been extremely supportive in the messages that you have sent me regarding the content of my last few episodes, but I really want to hear from y’all.

I have had the opportunity to let you guys send me recorded questions. And I have to say, I really love hearing your voices. Y’all sound so cute to me. But, anyway, I have your questions, and I will answer them as I always have.

Here’s the first one from @errbody.mad3: Hey, Tique! I have to say, I love listening to your show. I think that everything you do and say is amazing. There have been times that I wanted to give up, but you have kept me going with your sass, and strength. How do you do it? But, also, how are you? Just in general.

Hey, love. With beautiful people like you in the world, things can’t be so bad, right? Thank you, kindly, for listening to my crazy ass. And thank you for existing. You don’t know what it means to me to know that with everything that been happening, people like you keep pulling through and sticking it out with me.

Umm, I’m alive I guess. There is definitely a lot more going on than I have the ability to say here. Just know that I am surviving. There are some legal things that I have to deal with between me and my family (my parents in particular). I can't speak to my younger siblings at all. All communications have pretty much ceased. Outside of that, I don't have much to say.

Oh yeah, and my parents have begun a campaign to get my show off the air. So there's that.

Ok, next question from @tko.winna876: I remember you said way back in the first show that not everybody becomes a vampire when they come in contact with the virus. Can you elaborate on that?

So…..when I was turned I did A LOT of research about what this was. There wasn't a whole lot of info at the time, but one thing was clear: everyone didn't turn. After some thought, I suppose it makes sense. If everyone turned at first contact there would be no more uninfected humans. But, I became curious about people who didn't turn. Apparently, the virus can still hide inside of an “uninfected” person for a period of time. The immune system can fight it. However, if that person becomes ill, and their immune system is compromised, the virus could become active. On average, out of 100 samples, this “reactivation” happened less than once. Similarly, with pregnant women, the chances of their babies becoming vamps were even smaller than reactivation.

Oddly enough, white people are slightly more susceptible to the virus. But people of color still tend to contract it at higher rates.

And then there is the population of people that just die. It is a slow and painful death. You end up bleeding out of various orifices and severely dehydrating.

Then, obviously, there is the population that turns. Your kidneys are basically failing and you can't make new platelets, so you need to consume blood. What manner of sorcery manages to get it out of your guts and into your bloodstream is beyond my understanding.

Most of the people who turn end up dying anyway.

The ones that survive can live really long lives. But we aren't exactly immortal. Due to our bodies being repeatedly rejuvenated by consuming blood, we age a lot slower. Quality of blood also affects this. Drinking from alcoholics, or people with certain chronic illnesses can have negative effects on us. We may even experience a high from a drug addict depending on how recently they have used.

The younger the blood, the better. But I am morally opposed to drinking from anyone younger than me. Just putting that out there.

So, yeah. That's what I know so far. You are always welcome to peruse the website for more info if you like. And there are several forums where older, more experienced vamps will discuss and give advice and survival tips.

Alright, I have a question from @subwaykid312: Will you ever have a guest on your show? Like actually there having a conversation with you?

Ummm, it’s an idea I have been playing with for a while now. I do want to have people come in and visit. Safety is a priority for me though, so I’m always sceptical of people wanting to meet me. Also, I would never want someone to come in if they don’t feel comfortable discussing things on the air. My ultimate goal would be to have an experienced vamp come on the show to talk about their experiences and share resources. And,, I would want to hear their thoughts on government involvement the treatment of our kind. I know that a few more experienced vamps follow my show, and I certainly want to extend an invitation to anyone who would want to participate.

Here is another question from @lei.lei716: Hey Tique! It’s been awhile since you talked about sex and vampirism. Do you have any other advice about safe ways that we can be intimate with our partners?

Actually, yes. It’s something that has been weighing on my mind for some time. I really enjoyed a lot of the feedback I got on the practicing safe sex. Particularly, when you are infected with a contagious virus that may alter your partner’s life permanently, or kill them painfully.

I think that you should be patient. I definitely will get more in depth with safe sex, intimacy, and all that in another show. Also, just hygiene and upkeep in general seem like a good idea to discuss. Vampirism isn’t all that magical shit you see in movies. Your body still does weird things.

Okay, one more question from @esthea.312: I remember you talked about getting punched in the face back in Ep 4. I got into a fight with another vamp, and they punched me in the face. And...um… one of my fangs fell out. I’m more than a little concerned with this. I know uninfected adults don’t grow another set of teeth. Do we get new teeth, since we got fangs?

So, this is a really good question. Yes, our teeth did grow and strengthen when we were turned. But we did not grow another set of teeth. If that were the case, then our old teeth would have been sitting on our pillows, and the tooth fairy would have left us a bag of blood as a gift. So, sadly, you will not grow another fang. However, there are some dentists that are progressive enough that they will be happy to create a new one for you. Hell, you could be like Beyonce with “diamond fangs” in your mouth. But, it will cost you a pretty penny. If you can afford it, go awf. Otherwise, try to only take photos from your cute side.

Which actually reminds me of another situation. I’ve heard that there are some vamps that have their fangs replaced by flatter teeth. It makes them feel safer, and it’s easier to assimilate. Honestly, I have considered getting the surgery done since I don’t bite for sustenance. Then, I realized that people are always uncomfortable with my appearance. Being a big black girl with super short hair, people always feel the need to stare or offer their opinions about my health. So, there is that. At least now, they back away from me rather than trying to get closer.

Ok, one last question from @drea.ds.saint12: Do you have/know of any vamps that have dental issues? Our immune systems are stronger than the uninfected because sanguinilis kicks our systems into overdrive so that it doesn’t have to share us with other illnesses. Our teeth (and bones in general) strengthen a lot when we turn, but I have seen some vamps with rotting teeth. How is that possible?

Well, upkeep is still important. We are still susceptible to bacterial infections and such that can eat away at us. Fungi, and things like that, can still settle in us. The biggest difference between us and the uninfected are that we heal quickly. So, we can still contract infections, but our bodies fight them off faster.

I know that wasn’t the best explanation, but think of it this way: If we develop an infection, the bacteria/fungus can live on us or in us, but the moment it starts to hinder our ability to function, sanguinilis kicks in and beats it’s ass. That means that, yes, our teeth can rot and we can get rashes and such, but they end up being minor inconveniences.

Other viruses aren’t tolerated at all. It wants us to survive for a long as possible, and when that isn’t possible, it makes us infect others. It’s vain, but it isn’t stingy. It loves to share.

Alright! So that’s it for the Q and A session, but I did have other updates for y’all as far as our local government is concerned.

Apparently, there is a vote in the works. The city council is trying to decide if underage vamps should be allowed to attend schools. Now, shortly after the discovery that vampirism was real, there was a push to test everyone who worked/attended schools where the students were under the age of 18. Fortunately, the vast majority (and I mean like 99.99%) of students under the age of 18, and their teachers came up as negative for sanguinilis. In fact, the largest population of infected people came up in the laborers that clean and cook in schools (at less than 3% infected).

So, at the very worst case scenario, 97% of people who work in educational spaces that taught children under the age of 18 were uninfected. Keep in mind that “infected” in this case means that they were carrying the virus, but weren’t necessarily a vampire. That percentage was less than 1%. And those few cases were all night janitors who never actually came into contact with students.

But, that was all it took to get parents up in arms. And understandably so, considering the alternative possibility that someone might end up taking a bite out of your child while they learn the alphabet.

The “vamp ban” as it was termed tried to encompass college campuses as well. But, there is way too much money that goes into have college students around. And private institutions fought against letting the government make that decision for them. All the lobbying and city hall shout fests are what led to things like the testing they are doing on campus here.

The vote will take place next Tuesday. So, however you feel about vamps existing, get into the ears of your representatives, and let them know exactly how you feel.

Other updates: I got my results back from the nurse’s office. My results were exactly what you would expect. They came with a strong recommendation that this school may not be the best one for me. But, so far, they can’t legally expel me. It doesn’t matter anyway. I already made the moves I needed to make to ensure that I won’t have to still be there come next fall semester.

So, fuck this school.

Lastly, I keep getting all these random threats, and all I can say to y’all is this: the more lives I save by speaking about our issues, the better I feel. And you can shove an entire bag of dicks right down your throat. I literally don’t care what you have to say about anything I do.

Ok, so that is it for today.

I love you all endlessly. Please stay moisturized and hydrated.

Look out for one another,

Love Tique.

#black vamps #black women in fiction #black fiction #black fic #black women #vamps #vampire #vampires

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ticktockthem · 6 years ago

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this got really long but here’s a bio for Charlie

Name: Rimon “Charlie” García, formerly Rimon Rosenthal

Age: about 24-25 (obviously it would depend on when in her canon we’re talking about but that the age i usually draw her at)

Birthday: June 8th (Gemini)

Sexuality: Pan/Bi

Relationship status: In a very complicated open polycule

General physical description: 5′10″, skinny with lean muscle, red curly hair cropped short, green eyes, red-toned medium/light skin (often sun-damaged), freckles freckles freckles.

Scars/skin markings: a two-inch scar on the outside of her upper left arm, where she removed an implant. Two scars on the left side of her neck from a raider that had attempted to slit her throat. A large uneven scar below her right collarbone from a Legion spear. An approximately 8-inch long scar on the left side of her rib-cage from another Legion spear. A large patch of road-rash looking skin on her right forearm, caused by localized radiation exposure.

Hometown: Vault 46. Originally meant to breed animals to be used in the war effort, the equipment for genetic splicing is now used to combine animal and human DNA to try and create offspring better suited to survive and fight in the wasteland.

Current family/group: She has a family group that has its homebase in the Stillwater reservoir, which dried up long ago. It’s in Rhode Island. It’s now called the Stills. Her adoptive mother and father, Paul and Stephanie García live there. Matthew, the leader of the group, is Paul’s adoptive father as well as Charlie’s genetic great-great-great(etc) grandfather, because he is one of the original humans that was used to introduce human DNA into the cocktail that eventually became Deathclaw DNA. Charlie’s maternal grandmother, Wilhemina, lives in Louisiana with her girlfriend, Audrey. Wilhemina also escaped the vault, and left a trail for Charlie to follow. When they finally met up, Charlie stayed with them for a while, learning survival skills from Audrey, a ghoul who had been a homesteader before the war. Charlie calls Audrey her ‘Meemaw,’ as Audrey hates being called ‘grandma.’ Charlie’s twin brother, Reid, still lives in the vault. It’s Charlie’s biggest regret that she left him behind, but the security in the vault makes it unlikely for her to get back and escape a second time.

Family background: Daniel and Lisa Rosenthal are her biological parents, though Charlie hates them because they support Vault 46′s Overseer and don’t want to escape the vault. Her family is Jewish (specifically Polish Ashkenazi) on her mom’s side and Choctaw/white (the common american blend: a little French, a little Scotts-Irish, a little German, not particularly tied to any culture) on her dad’s side.

Other close relationships: god there’s so many uh im just gonna list them

Merlin (princeof-flowers‘s oc, also a dethclaw hybrid, they consider each other siblings)

Callinan (undeadcourier’s oc. more to come on that? which would necessitate that she’s also buddies w/)

Arcade

my SoSu (CherryBomb. General of the Minutemen),

Hancock,

Preston,

Alma (a french ghoul that cooks drugs and lives in Goodneighbor),

William (Alma’s husband, a Russian merc),

Jude (a synth based on pre-railroad Deacon),

Atlas (a Greek man who lives in The Stills),

Castor (Atlas’s ghoul husband)

Claude (a ghoul frenemy of Charlie’s, who is in a band with a friendly rivalry towards Charlie’s)

Lyre (my raider queen of nuka world)

Luca (Lyre’s eye-candy husband)

Relationship with men: Trusts them less as a rule, tends not to feel as romantically attracted to them even when close

Relationship with women: she tends to idolize strong women a lot more, and is willing to forgive women easier

Dress style: Armor when she’s scavenging/travelling, loose tops and tight pants when she’s in a safer area and feels more comfortable

Religion: Jewish, non-practicing

Attitude to religion: You keep yours and she’ll keep hers. She can’t stand someone’s religion encroaching on the personal freedom of others, or cult-like recruitment and captivity.

Favorite pastimes: Once she’s made sure everything is safe, all of her weapons are clean, and any upkeep on her items is done, you can find Charlie reading anything legible she can get her hands on, fixing up old lighters, and sewing or embroidering.

Favorite foods: Steak, eggs, candy, cake, anything with loads of protein or sugar really.

Strongest positive personality trait: Will defend her friends, or any apparently helpless person with everything she has.

Strongest negative personality trait: Runs away from and ruins relationships due to her fear of abandonment/rejection (“If I leave them, they can’t possibly leave me.”). Incredibly stubborn and refuses to ask for help.

Sense of humor: Loves snappy quips and wordplay, especially literary references. Uses gentle ribbing and antagonism as a bonding exercise.

Temper: Yes.

Consideration for others: Probably too much, considering her environment.

How other people see them: Manic, moody, jittery, flirty, just very much all-over-the-place.

Opinion of themself: Pretty much beats herself up constantly, but won’t stand for anyone talking to her the way she talks to herself. She’s garbage but she’s better than everyone she doesn’t like. Sees herself as a massive hypocrite because she’ll kill people she doesn’t know (she often takes mercenary work), when that’s most of what people vilify raiders for.

Other traits, especially those to be brought out in story: hates being seen as weak or naive, incredibly loving, extremely sympathetic to others, she expresses love by giving gifts and sharing stories but prefers to receive it via words of affirmation and touch, she’s extremely guarded about herself and her past, and worries a lot about people close to her

Ambitions: She wants to prove herself to her new family, provide trade and safe interaction with others to The Stills. She wants to help take down the Institute and any other faction that seeks to control people.

#if you dont understand something or wanna know more #u can totally ask #about charlie #fallout oc #fallout #charlie ref

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cielleduciel · 6 years ago

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I have some sensitive questions, and you totally don’t need to answer if they’re too much, but here they are. Did you ever struggle w internal homophobia? If so, how did you manage to overcome it?? And my last question: any tips for softly breaking it to Albanian parents? I know people are individuals but its still the same culture so..

• Same anon as before!! I am an 18-year-old girl that was born and raised in the US. Thank you so much, and take as much time as you need to answer.

• I would also like to add that I’ve struggled with this for a pretty long time now (since I was around 12), so it’s not like I realized my preferences just recently. For years I’ve been telling myself that it’s just a phase or I’m just starved of affection (so I’m looking for it in the wrong place) or that I just haven’t met the right guy yet. I feel disgusted with myself, and it’s very tiring and emotionally consuming. Add in my Albanian relatives on top of it, and I’m just done with it all.

thanks for your patience anon, this last week’s been a bit hectic for me

first off i’m flattered by that first question, bc i was the most self-hating repressed closet gay i knew. i started off as that kid that was like “i don’t have a problem with gay people i just don’t think they should get married and i hate it when they ‘act’ gay”. i went through three boyfriends and two different sexual orientations before i finally accepted i was a lesbian, which took me until april of last year. so if that’s hard to imagine then i know i’m doing good for myself, and maybe it can give you some reassurance too

tbh i don’t think any of us can ever actually avoid or stop struggling with internalized homophobia, given that we’re all inundated with those messages every day in big or small ways. i think at best i just learned how to stop listening to it so much. it took me a really long time though and honestly at your age you’re already way ahead of me than i was, the questions you’re asking yourself now are ones i couldn’t bear to face even in my early 20s

my personal struggle has been very much connected to my family and growing up as a 1½-gen albanian immigrant. if your family and upbringing are anything like mine, then you might understand, and they’re probably just as closely related to your struggle as well. don’t take what i say here as gospel since this is all from personal experience and i’m not even 100% where i want to be yet. but i know how lonely it is for us out there, so i’ll try to be as real with you as i can without getting too personal (idk if this readmore will work on mobile so my apologies and just scroll down really fast @ anyone not reading this)

first thing: don’t be in a rush to tell your parents, even if you’re an adult, and especially if you’re still dependent on them. i assume you’re asking for tips because you already know or have reason to suspect that they won’t take it well. and if you’re still struggling to accept yourself, your parents’ & relatives’ opinions are the last thing you need to be worrying about right now (i know easier said than done we’re albanian i Understand but like. trust me)

second: i really think learning how to stop listening to that internalized homophobia is just a slow process of learning to normalize your feelings in opposition to it. truly the most important thing i did for myself was surround myself with other bi/lesbian women as a way to counter everything else in my life that was telling me to hate myself. the key here is that i did that for years. the logic goes like this: if my world was already and will always be filled with heteronormativity and homophobia, then to fight it, i needed a space i could come back to that’s filled with what i needed to see and could make it feel as normal as i logically knew it was

i didn’t have the freedom to reach out to others IRL so i sought out bi/lesbian women online and immersed myself in those communities. i filled my online spaces with people like me who could show me every day that what i was feeling was genuine, normal, healthy, whole, positive, and worth embracing. when i really began to internalize that, self-confidence and assurance just kind of naturally followed, which made it easier to shout down and ignore the Internalized Homophobia Gremlin in my brain

another thing too, and this’ll sound silly. idk if you’re into video games but they were also a big part of my normalization process. i love role-playing games and for years i used them as a private, risk-free, judgment-free way to “experiment” with women and allow my feelings to “run free” after repressing/ignoring them for so long. i personally know other LGBT people who discovered themselves in similar ways (through DnD, for example). something to consider if that’s your thing. but media of all kinds can be powerful normalizing tools too, if you can find decent ones to your liking

i had to be really patient and gentle with myself though, and you’ll have to be too bc there really is no quick fix, we’re up against years of internalizing this crap since we were born, basically. do whatever you need to fight against it though, bc there is literally, objectively, nothing wrong with you. you deserve to be happy just as you are, you deserve love and to be able to find it with another woman, and remember you’re never alone in this even if it feels like you are. i think that’s the most powerful reminder

back around to your last question, worry about coming out to your parents when you’re on more solid ground, bc it doesn’t sound like you are rn. everyone’s parents are different but as a general rule i’ve found that when trying to broach a difficult subject, you really need to have your back up against a point that you refuse to budge on, and plant yourself there. you can negotiate or make arguments around it but you need that one point that you’re absolutely sure of where you’ll always hold your ground

in coming out to them, that point needs to be your identity and everything attached to it, so your confidence and sense of self need to be as solid and unmoving as a fucking mountain so that they can’t dig into you and undermine your conviction. esp bc tbh it’s entirely likely that you’ll have to have that conversation several times. so that’s why i stress working on yourself first. for your own sake, don’t jump the gun on this

also, it’ll be much easier on you if you’re not always stuck under the same roof, or at least not totally dependent on them. and i know that’s tough and complicated because a lot of us never truly “move out”, per se, and it’s normal for us to stay with our parents/family for a very long time. but if you can find a way, arrange something with friends, etc., i find it really helps with your general confidence to know you have somewhere else you can go unconditionally, without restrictions. and i don’t mean “rush to move out as soon as you can”, bc like i said, i know that’s hard on us for many reasons and it may hurt you more than you think it will. but if it’s a point you can get to eventually, it does help

after all this, if/when you eventually do decide to come out, i recommend you tell only one of your parents at first. whichever one you’re closer with or find easier to talk to (i’d say ideally whoever’s the least homophobic but like. lmao). do it privately and when you’re both in a good mood. i find altogether this makes the atmosphere less confrontational and more personal, a show like you’re “confiding” in them moreso than making an announcement. depending on how it goes i think you can adjust your strategy from there

even still, i can’t say with any confidence that it will go over well, but it’s as gentle a way to break it to them as i know. if on the very off chance you have another relative who you know is sympathetic and won’t go telling the entire rest of the family immediately, i’d say try reaching out to them first, as it’ll give you “practice” talking about it and they may be able to advise you about your own parents better than i can, as well as support you directly. but even this i would only do after you’re more confident in yourself and your identity

in the end, keep in mind that you don’t have to come out either. it’s not like a requirement for loving yourself. many of us stay closeted to our families for a very long time simply bc it’s safer, easier, and smarter wrt our situations. again, i know that’s complicated because of how tight-knit our families are traditionally, and how much we may want to remain close to them for cultural reasons. at some point it may make it difficult to hide (my mom started suspecting i liked girls before i even knew i liked girls. it was scary). but like, i’m 27 and i’m still not out to most of my family (my dad doesn’t even know). it doesn’t stop me from being a proud albanian lesbian, or from having and maintaining a happy & healthy relationship with my girlfriend. it doesn’t have to stop you either

and…. i think that’s really all i can say. sorry for taking so long and also for talking so much. i hope i could help even a little, or if not, at least offer some reassurance. it’s a good sign that you’re reaching out and trying to get a handle on your feelings, so keep at it, and remember you’re not alone out there. there are so many of us in the world living our lives and trying to build a future and support each other. i really think you’ll be fine

#asks #blog chatter #long post

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walkmeblowbyblow · 7 years ago

Text

Some Kind of Love [Jack Lowden fic]

Summary: “I can’t do this alone.”

Warnings: Pregnancy scare; mentions of sex and depression; all kinds of adult fears, really

Word count: ~3,500

Disclaimer: None of this really happened.

A/N: Probably not the most cheerful fic I’ve written, but sometimes you’ve just gotta angst.

(x)

Other fics of mine w/ this pairing:

The Kind of Trouble that You Enjoy pt. I // pt. II

Thawing

First-footing

Eilidh may have been a tad too optimistic when she thought that this year was off on a good start.

There’s been talk at work – apparently they’re letting people go. It’s all very hush-hush; officially they’re calling it restructuring. Either way, Eilidh quickly notices that it’s the youngest staff that’s being axed.

And one morning sees Eilidh sitting in the HR office. The woman sitting opposite her is the same one who interviewed her for this job two years ago. Eilidh sits there with her knee jittering and her palms sweating, pinned under the woman’s stare.

“We can only extend your contract for the next three months, Eilidh. After that, we’ll have to reconsider your position in the company. We may do away with it completely.”

“O-okay?” Eilidh says quietly. “So… what happens to me?”

The HR person draws a deep breath, avoids her eyes. “That’s still very much up in the air, I’m afraid. That’s all we can say for the time being. But it would probably be for the best if you started preparing for a life after this company.”

Right. That’s it then.

Eilidh shuffles out of the office, her legs like lead and her head filled with white noise.

That’s how the rest of her day passes. She only texts Rebecca once she’s in the safety of her flat, because putting her situation into words will bring her to tears.

After Rebecca, it’s Jack’s turn. She types the message with a tear-blurred vision, teardrop or two splashing against the phone screen.

Their answers arrive simultaneously. She reads Rebecca’s first.

“Aw shit. I’m so sorry Eilidh.”

Jack’s message is pretty much the same, but with an added question: “What are you going to do?”

That’s the thing, isn’t it?

“Find another job. What else can I do?”

But it will be much more easily said than done.

* * *

Three months later, when her lay-off day rolls in, Eilidh is still in the same predicament; none of her job applications have led to anything apart from a couple of interviews. On the first day of her unemployment, Eilidh knows she should be doing something productive. She wakes up late, makes a cup of tea – and waits. For what? She doesn’t even know.

She should be sending out more applications; unemployment is not an option. She knows that well enough, even without being told that time after time by her parents, her friends, and, well, pretty much everyone. What sustains her through that week is Jack coming over for a visit over the weekend.

She goes to meet him at the train station. He embraces her on the platform, and she feels much more of a person again.

“So how’s job hunting?” Jack asks her when they’re having brunch at a café.

“Oh, you know,” she says, shrugging dismissively and stirring a cup of tea. “Honestly? It’s shite. Total shite.”

Jack gives a compassionate chortle. “Yeah, I can imagine. How’s your finances, by the way?”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you got enough money to live on?”

“Yeah,” Eilidh says. “Well, my shitty landlord just upped my rent, but I’ll manage. I’ve got savings.”

“For how long?”

She doesn’t immediately answer, preferring to busy herself with prodding the teabag in the teacup.

“I’ll help you out if you need it,” Jack says.

“No. I don’t want that,” Eilidh answers firmly.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to be financially dependent on you.”

“But what else are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” she snaps. “Apply for benefits, I guess, like normal people do.”

“No need to bite my head off,” Jack says. “I was just trying to help.”

“I know. It’s just…” she sighs. “This sucks.”

“So are you going to let me help you or not?”

She gives a reluctant shake of her head. “No. I’ll manage.”

Sighing, Jack sits back in his chair. “All right.” His tone is neutral; he isn’t going to press the issue.

They drop the subject for the rest of the weekend, only discussing it when she invites it into discussion. And the weekend is as lovely as ever – even more so, in a way, since she knows she won’t have to go back to work and reality on Monday. Those Monday mornings were always the worst – like climbing out of a plane wreck.

Eilidh allows herself to enjoy these idle moments with Jack, when they’re out on a walk, or cooking dinner, or draped across the sofa, their limbs entwined. It doesn’t detract from the sex either. She almost expected it to, seeing as she’s been feeling under the weather for so many weeks now, but she finds it impossible to be sad in Jack’s company.

Not only that.

By now, Jack has become so skilled with her that she can’t help but enjoy it; her orgasm is a near-guaranteed event.

And when they’re snuggled up afterwards, be it on the sofa or in bed, she loves breathing in the scent of his old t-shirt, loves to comb his tousled blond hair with her fingers, loves to hear about his life – though this time it’s accompanied by a prickle of envy: why do some people have their life together while others don’t?

Jack is both filming and considering his next project.

“I might have to go to Europe to film that one, though,” he tells her.

“You should go. I know you want to,” she replies.

“You think so?” Jack asks.

“I would definitely go if I were you.”

“It’s two months.”

She gives a laugh. “That’s like, no time at all.”

Jack turns to her, though they’re so close that he can’t see her properly.

“You want me to go?”

“Yeah.”

“You won’t get lonely?”

She gives another laugh. “No. Why would I?”

But she knows that Jack is actually referring to her frail state of mind.

“I’ll be fine,” she says firmly. “Just because I’m unemployed doesn’t mean…”

“All right, all right,” Jack says, patting her thigh. “I’ll go if you want to get rid of me so badly.”

“Good,” she replies, grinning.

“And you’ll promise me to take care of yourself, yeah?” Jack mutters into her hair.

“Mmm.”

“Good girl.”

* * *

Unfortunately, Eilidh comes to find that she can’t keep that promise. Spring gives way to summer, and Eilidh has felt like a waste of space for a very long time, spending days doing nothing productive, being on benefit, getting rejected time and time again. It’s been weeks since she last applied for a job. The steady stream of rejections has worn her down, and the simple task of googling jobs is enough to send her into an anxiety attack.

She has had less contact with Jack than normally; occasionally she wonders if Jack is deliberately steering clear of her. They’ve never had a proper argument before, but they were pretty damn close that time when Jack offered to support her. Perhaps she’s wounded his pride? Or perhaps she’s just reading too much into things and Jack is actually just busy?

The worst part is, she can’t shake the feeling that Jack could do so much better than her. Generally, she believes that all women are too good for men, but her self-confidence has taken so many blows recently that she finds it insurmountable to believe in her own worth.

She’s looking forward to Jack finishing his current film and getting some time off – to spend their first summer together – but there’s a nagging voice in the back of her mind telling her not to expect anything.

At least she’s still got her friends.

Her friends understand, to an extent. On the first warm day of the spring, they’re out having a picnic, and it’s the first time her friends don’t even bother asking Eilidh about her situation. She prefers it that way.

Though Eilidh wishes she’d told her friends not to ask her about Jack either.

“So how’s Jack been doing?” Rebecca says when they’re lounging in the sun and eating.

“Oh, he’ll be ready with another film soon,” Eilidh tells her.

“Do you know if he’s coming here in the summer?”

“I hope so,” Eilidh answers.

“Got any plans for the summer?” Rebecca says.

“Me? Hah! If only. Thanks for buying me all this food,” she says to Rebecca, stuffing yet another garlic bread into her mouth.

“Hah, no problem,” Rebecca says.

“I feel like all I do these days is eat.”

“Maybe you’re just hungry, you know?”

“Even though I’m not doing anything?” Eilidh says.

“Nothing wrong with eating, love.”

“Oh shit.”

Rebecca looks up at her, frowning. “What is it?”

“No, it’s just…” Eilidh begins, her pulse suddenly quick and erratic. “Shit.”

“You’re spooking me, Eilidh. What is it?”

She collapses on her back on the blanket. Their friends are out on the lawn, but she still lowers her voice.

“Guess whose period is late?”

“No way, Eilidh,” Rebecca says.

“Yeah.”

“How late are you?”

“Well…” She does some quick arithmetic, her gut sinking. “I was due… two weeks after we last met with Jack, but… it’s been over a month.”

Rebecca says gingerly, “And you’ve been… safe all this time?”

“Yeah.”

They could’ve been safer if she went on the pill, but seeing as she only meets Jack once a month or so it hasn’t seemed worth it. She’s heard all the horror stories: Tamsin telling her that she’d never been as depressed in her life as when she was on the pill.

“Okay, Eilidh, you know what we’re going to do, right? We’re going to go to the pharmacy and buy you a pregnancy test. Then you’re going to go home and do it tonight,” Rebecca says. “Eilidh?”

“Yeah, sure,” she replies, her voice coming from somewhere outside her body.

Great, this is exactly what she needed: a trip to a clinic where they’ll take the fetus out of her.

She suddenly feels cold, even though the sun is shining down on them; she’s started to tremble. The tears come unbidden.

“Eilidh…”

Rebecca helps her up, embraces her.

“It’ll be all right.”

“How d’you know?” Eilidh asks defiantly through her sobs.

“Because we’ll be there to help you.”

But who ‘we’? She’s not going to tell Jack, is she?

Of course she is. But is it right to inform him now that he’s trapped down in London and she’s up in Edinburgh, making decisions about life and death on her own? She would hate being in Jack’s shoes. It’d be kinder not to let him know.

But Jack has to shoulder half the responsibility; Eilidh didn’t knock herself up, after all.

When nobody’s paying particular attention to her, she takes her phone and messages Jack.

“I didn’t want to bother you with this, but jsyk i’m late.”

It occurs to her as soon as she’s sent the message that it probably doesn’t mean much to Jack.

“Late?”

“My period is late. i’ll call you later.”

She doesn't wait for his reply; she can’t bring herself to.

Once the food in their bellies has settled, she and Rebecca join the others in a game of croquet. They stay in the park till sunset and pack up when the evening grows chilly. As they take their leave, Rebecca gives Eilidh’s hand a squeeze.

As if Eilidh could forget.

“Wanna walk home with me, Rebecca?” she asks, her tone meaningful.

Rebecca catches it. “Yeah, sure.”

And as soon as they part company with the rest of their friends, they head to the nearest pharmacy.

“Keep talking to me,” Eilidh mutters to Rebecca as they enter. “I don’t want the staff to come and ask me questions.”

“Okay.”

Eilidh quickly makes her purchase. Of course, the staff has no way of knowing whether pregnancy is something Eilidh has wished for or not, but she feels mortified as she stands there, paying for the kit.

“Well done,” Rebecca says as they leave the pharmacy. “Do you think you’ll manage now?”

“Um…” Eilidh hesitates. “Could you… I don’t really feel like being alone when…”

Rebecca’s face softens with compassion.

“Of course.”

And so they set off to Eilidh’s place together.

* * *

She’s left the pregnancy kit sitting on the bathroom sink. They’re killing time by unpacking the picnic basket. Rebecca is sorting through the leftover food while Eilidh washes the dishes.

The sun has set outside, its smell still lingering on Eilidh’s skin and hair. So unfair that she couldn’t properly enjoy a day like this. So unfair that she probably won’t be able to enjoy the coming summer at all, if the test turns out positive. Eilidh can’t help but wonder how easy it would be for her to take this as a sign – maybe she’s not meant to work anymore? Maybe she’s meant to settle down with Jack and become a mother and a housewife?

She feels a lump in her throat and tries to swallow it.

No. That’s ridiculous. None of this was supposed to happen.

“How many minutes has it been?” she asks.

“Must be over five now.”

“Okay,” Eilidh says breathlessly, and strides back to the bathroom, feeling separate from her body.

With a lurch in her stomach, she grabs the kit and forces herself to look at it.

“God!” she yelps.

“What is it?” Rebecca calls, racing over.

“False alarm,” Eilidh tells her.

“Oh, thank God!”

She flings her arms around Eilidh.

“See, it was nothing to worry about.”

“Mmm. I better call Jack,” she says.

“Yeah. I think I’ll best be off then, it’s getting late,” Rebecca says, withdrawing from the hug. “Take care, okay?”

Eilidh nods. She can’t describe how grateful she is to Rebecca.

It’s a few minutes past midnight when she taps Jack’s name on her phone. It rings a couple of times before he answers, and she imagines the phone vibrating on Jack’s bed, his hand urgently grabbing it.

“Aye?”

Her throat has gone dry. “It was a false alarm.”

There’s a long exhalation on the other end. “Right. Well… Glad that’s cleared up. You all right, Eilidh?”

She shrugs, though that doesn’t do much good.

“I am now.” Then she adds, “Or maybe I’m not.”

“Oh?”

“I think it’s stress that caused it. I just… I feel so… tired.”

Her eyes have begun to prickle. She can’t let the tears into her voice; she mustn't upset Jack.

Such bullshit, all of this.

“Why’s that, love?” Jack asks, worried.

“It’s just… all this.”

There’s a brief silence.

“Would you mind if I came over next weekend?” he says.

“Mind? Of course not,” she replies, bewildered by the suggestion.

“I’ll be over then. I’m worried about you, Eilidh. Take care of yourself, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They say goodnight, and somehow, when Eilidh lowers her phone, she doesn't feel any better than she did before the call. Perhaps it’s the weight of the night that’s settled on her, but, sitting alone in her flat, her head fills with desolate thoughts.

Jack will leave her soon. She knows that much.

She hugs her knees. The smell of sunshine has rubbed off her skin, along with the memories of tonight – all the laughter and Rebecca’s words of comfort. Eilidh has always been this alone and always will be.

That night, when she finally falls asleep, she dreams about the child. It’s a girl, though you couldn’t tell by the way she’s dressed. Eilidh just knows.

The girl is tottering about on the lawn, in the same park that Eilidh and her friends were that day. Somebody kicks a football in her direction, and she goes running after it. The ball reaches all the way up to her pudgy knees. Her hair is pale blond, so much so that it looks like a halo when sunlight touches it.

Eilidh hears Jack’s voice calling after the toddler – and that is when Eilidh wakes, finds herself in her bed and remembers – there is no child.

* * *

The following days, her communication with Jack is business-like and brief. It helps that Jack is doing 14-hour days on set without his phone. At most, they wish each other goodnight and she asks him about his day – though seeing as he isn’t allowed to talk about whatever happens on set, that topic is quickly sapped too. And anytime he tries to ask her about her day, she shuts down. It’s not like she ever lived the most exciting of lives, especially compared to Jack, but these days she feels like an utter failure.

Several times a day, an uncomfortable idea strikes her – that perhaps she should just have Jack’s children and become a housewife, seeing as she’s unemployable and just a few months short of thirty?

But it’s a ridiculous idea and luckily very easy to dismiss.

* * *

It’s on Thursday that she hears from Jack again.

“I got a day off. Mind if I drop by tonight?”

Her heart gives a feeble extra beat.

“Of course not.”

She doesn’t fail to remark on the word choice: drop by. That means that he’s going to come over and tell her that he’s had a change of heart; that this isn’t working out; that it’s not her, it’s him, even though it isn’t him who’s wound up unemployed and had a pregnancy scare.

Eilidh’s stomach is in knots all day, but perhaps it’s better that Jack’s visit will be so sudden; she won’t have too much time to fret over it. She busies herself with tidying up her flat (which has got surprisingly messy). She takes a warm shower, making an effort to dress nicely – in this instance, to wear something else than her old yoga pants.

Around seven, the doorbell finally rings.

She doesn’t feel up for this, she is not ready to disappoint Jack and to hear him tell her that this is not going to work – but what choice has she got? Best to just get it over with.

He’s even more handsome than she recalls – and the sight of him is the final straw.

“Hey,” she manages, along with a glance in his eyes, before she breaks down in tears.

“Eilidh, love…”

Jack catches her, pulling her to him.

“Shh… it’s all right,” he tells her over her sobs.

“I’m sorry,” she blubbers against his chest. Well, there goes the rest of her dignity.

“Shh, no need to apologise,” Jack reassures her, and walks her into the flat.

They stay there for a minute or two, wrapped in one another, until she has to go and get a tissue. She feels vaguely better once she’s blown her nose and dabbed her face.

“I didn’t want you to see me like this,” she admits.

“What d’you mean, like this? You’re the same Eilidh as always,” Jack says.

She gives a weak laugh. “Am I?”

“‘Course you are. You’re my Eilidh,” he says, and closes the distance between them, caresses her cheek.

“I can’t go on like this,” Eilidh says in a small voice, and when she looks up at Jack, she sees the gravity of the situation sinking in.

“Is it that bad?”

“Yeah.”

For a moment, Jack mulls this over.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realise. Was it the – pregnancy thing?”

“No. That was just a symptom.”

“I’m glad you told me.”

“Were you scared shitless?”

Jack lets out a laugh. “Scared, yeah. Scared shitless? Nah. Just… surprised, that’s all. But you’re all right now, yeah?”

“You mean if I’ve got my period? Yeah, I have,” Eilidh says, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It must’ve been the stress. And anxiety.”

Jack fixes her with a concerned stare. She waits for her voice to steady. Then she says, “I’ve thought about seeing a therapist. Just a couple of times. I’ve actually booked the first counselling session for next week.”

“But that’s good,” Jack says, slowly taking in the weight of her words. “It’ll do you good.”

He kisses her temple, comforting, protective.

“I just… didn’t realise it was this bad.”

With a note of amused self-deprecation, Eilidh says, “Yeah. Apparently everything I touch turns to shite.”

Jack bursts out laughing. “I haven’t turned to shite yet though, have I?”

She pulls away, giving him an appraising look. “Mmm, I don’t know, man…”

Jack ruffles her hair. “You wee little devil.”

She swats his hand away playfully, and Jack ends up chasing her around the flat while she laughs and squeals. He grabs her by the waist and hoists her up in his arms, planting a fierce kiss on her cheek.

“So good to see you laugh, love.”

He lowers her down. She says nothing; merely takes in the feel of Jack’s arms around her.

“I can’t do this alone,” she mumbles, clinging on to him, his firm, reliable frame. “I need you, Jack.”

“No. You’re strong, Eilidh. You absolutely can,” Jack whispers back. “But you don’t have to.”

This time, she finally allows herself to believe in it.

#jack lowden #jack lowden imagine

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michaelbranch · 4 years ago

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A Brief Summary Of Ideas: The Coddling of the American Mind

*These summaries are kept intentionally very brief, just hitting what I consider some of the important/interesting takeaways, most word-for-word or paraphrased. My goal is also to stick to ideas/principals that might guide others (or my future self) in deciding the value of a read (or re-reading). T = takeaway, Q = Question

The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas are Setting Up A Generation For Failure

Author: Greg Lukianoff & Jonathan Haidt

A Great Untruth: contradicts ancient wisdom, contradicts modern psychological research on well-being, harms the individuals and communities who embrace it.

3 Great Untruths

1) The Untruth of Fragility: What doesn't kill you makes you weaker.

Fragile: Break easy. Resilient: Withstand shocks. Antifragile: require stressors and challenges in order to learn, adapt, and grow. People are antifragile.

Wind extinguishes a candle but energizes a fire. You want to be the fire and wish for the wind.

"Safety" underwent concept creep downward (applied in less severe situations) and outward (encompassing new but conceptually related phenomena).

Most people report being stronger or better in some way after suffering through a traumatic experience.

2) The Untruth of Emotional Reasoning: Always trust your feelings.

Your perception of things is greater than the thing itself.

Emotional reasoning is when your conscious mind interprets what is happening in ways that are consistent with your subconscious emotional state, without investigation.

3) The Untruth of Us Versus Them: Life is a battle between good people and evil people.

We just don’t feel as much empathy for those we see as “other’.

Identity Politics: Political mobilization organized around group characteristics such as race, gender, and sexuality, as opposed to party, ideology, or pecuniary interest.

Identity can be mobilized in ways that emphasize a common humanity. Or it can be emphasized in shared hatred of a unifying common enemy.

T: Taught that speech is a form of violence (words can cause stress, stress can cause physical harm, therefore words = violence. Analogy doesn’t hold.), and as such any use of speech to do that requires moral obligation to respond. But, if you keep distinction between speech and violence, more options are available to you to respond. Words don’t cause stress directly, they can only provoke stress. YOU choose how to respond/interpret.

Features of Political Witch Hunts:

They arise quickly

Charged with crimes against the collective

Charges are often trivial or fabricated

Fear of defending the accused

How did we get here? Good intentions gone awry.

Rising political polarizing and cross-party animosity

Rising levels of teen anxiety and depression

iGen (1995+) spend much less time going out with friends unsupervised.

Accumulate less offline life experience than any previous generation.

2 activities significantly correlated with depression: electronic device use and watching TV. 5 activities with inverse relationships with depression: sports/exercise, attending religious services, reading books, in person social interactions, homework.

Girls suffer more (social media use?)

Changes in parenting practices

More paranoid.

Decline of free play

including ample opportunities to take small risks

T: learn to handle problems on their own w/o adult intervention

Parents using childhood as test prep

Growth of campus bureaucracy

Dignity culture: people assumed to have dignity; don’t react too strongly to minor slights. Honor culture: people so obsessed with guarding reputations they were expected to react violently to minor insults. Victimhood culture: high sensitivity to slight, tendency to handle conflict through 3rd parties, seek to cultivate an image of being victims who deserve assistance.

Rising passion for justice in response to major national events

Window of higher impressionability from about 14-24. Lots of major social justice stories during this time for iGen.

What can we do to change course?

Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child (t= don’t focus on making the world safer, make your child more capable)

Your worst enemy can’t harm you as much as your own thoughts, unguarded (t= you can’t control others, you can control your response)

The line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being (t=few people are all good/bad. Things are complex; people generally don’t have malicious intentions)

Help schools to oppose the great untruths

Limit and refine device time (2 hours?)

Support a new national norm: service or work before college (t=helps kids to mature and prepare for handling person to person interactions)

#books #book summary #book review

0 notes

junker-town · 6 years ago

Text

What’s the latest on Ryan Shazier?

Shazier is making incredible progress after a terrifying spinal injury he suffered in December 2017 against the Bengals.

Steelers linebacker Ryan Shazier suffered a spinal injury in December 2017 and has been making slow progress in a quest that stretches far beyond the gridiron.

Shazier has made numerous public appearances since his injury; arguably his most powerful came during the 2018 NFL Draft, when he walked onto the stage with some help from his fiancee, Michelle. Shazier did not play in 2018, and though he has said that his goal is to return to the football field, it’s possible he may never be able to play again.

A timeline of Ryan Shazier’s injury and recovery

Here’s everything that happened since Shazier was injured on Dec. 4, 2017.

March 12, 2019

Shazier’s contract was set to expire after the 2018 season, but because he was sidelined the entire year the Steelers have the option to toll his contract over another year. The team announced it planned to do exactly that — ensuring Shazier can continue to get paid by the league, accrue years toward a pension, and receive NFL medical insurance.

The Steelers also announced that Shazier will eventually be placed on the PUP list and won’t play for the team in 2019.

“We will continue to support Ryan’s efforts to return to play,” said General Manager Kevin Colbert. “Although he won’t be able to help us on the field in 2019, his leadership, insight, and emotional support have always been very valuable to us, and we look forward to his contributions in our pursuit of a championship.”

Jan. 16, 2019

Following the Steelers’ 2018 season, Art Rooney II gave an update about Shazier’s status with the team. Shazier is set to be a free agent in March.

“Ryan, I believe, still intends to continue to rehab with the intention of trying to come back and play, and so to the extent that he wants to do that, we’re open to working that out,” Rooney said. “There are some technicalities about somebody going from staff to player. So, at this point as I said, I think his goal is to continue to be a player, and so we’ll have to address it as time goes on and figure out how that works. He would have to have a contract.”

One possibility is that the Steelers sign him to a one-year contract at the league minimum.

Dec. 6, 2018

Almost exactly a year after his injury, Shazier posted a video of himself deadlifting:

View this post on Instagram

Through the pain and the success. You must always remain HUMBLE!

A post shared by Ryan Shazier (@shazier) on Dec 6, 2018 at 12:34pm PST

Days earlier, Steelers linebackers coach Joey Porter told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette that Shazier had just jogged for the first time since the injury. According to the article, doctors had given Shazier “less than a 20 percent chance” of walking again.

Oct. 14, 2018

Shazier returned to Cincinnati, where the Steelers and Bengals were playing for the first time since his injury. Before the game, Shazier paid a visit to University of Cincinnati Medical Center to thank them for taking care of him last December:

It’s been a long journey, but this is still a ways to go. But it all started here in Cincinnati. Today was an amazing day I was so thankful to be able to tell everyone thank you. #Shalieve pic.twitter.com/wItKXNp5ya

— Ryan Shazier (@RyanShazier) October 14, 2018

Sept. 24, 2018

The Steelers made their first Monday Night Football appearance since Shazier’s injury in a Week 3 matchup against the Buccaneers. Lisa Salters spoke to Shazier before the game.

“He’s feeling really good,” Salters said, “He said he’s taking things a day at a time. He wants to play football.”

Salters also talked to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, who told her, “We just want to be there as a team to support him in whatever decision he decides to make for himself in the future.”

Aug. 3, 2018

At the Steelers’ annual Friday Night Lights practice, Shazier showed fans that he is now walking on his own, unassisted and without a cane:

Today was a great day. The team had a wonderful practice. But I also got to enjoy the fans‼️ If you were able to make it to the stadium, here if a little bit of what happened‼️ I promise you the lord is not done working yet‼️ Keep Shalieving 5️⃣0️⃣ #shalieve pic.twitter.com/LHiRXHa5gN

— Ryan Shazier (@RyanShazier) August 4, 2018

June 6, 2018

Shazier spoke at a press conference — his first time speaking to media after his December injury.

“My dream is to come back and play football again,” Shazier said. “I’ve been working my tail off every day and I have that in the back of my mind every day I go to rehab.”

Shazier said he’s been surprising doctors with his progress throughout the rehab process. His goal for now is to be able to walk by himself without the support of a cane.

He also said that he’s not afraid of suffering another injury if he eventually returns to the field, but added that “he’ll have to play safer and keep his head up.”

May 3, 2018

The Steelers are giving Shazier his entire 2018 salary upfront:

The Steelers have converted $8.26M of LB Ryan Shazier’s 2018 base salary into a signing bonus, per source. Shazier, placed on PUP Wednesday, earns that money now. While there are no cap implications, it’s a great gesture by a first rate organization.

— Field Yates (@FieldYates) May 3, 2018

May 2, 2018

The Steelers placed Shazier on the physically unable to perform (PUP) list, which means he won’t count against the team’s 90-man limit for the offseason roster.

April 26, 2018

He made a surprise appearance at the NFL Draft, when he walked for the first time in public since his injury. His fiancee, Michelle, walked with Shazier to help him to the podium. There, Shazier announced the Steelers’ first-round pick, safety Terrell Edmunds out of Virginia Tech:

We all #SHALIEVE. pic.twitter.com/cByTumbaHa

— Pittsburgh Steelers (@steelers) April 27, 2018

After, he thanked fans for their support:

I’m truly blessed and humbled from all the prayers, love, and support that I have received . This is what keeps me going. Just continue to #Shalieve pic.twitter.com/p1kAZfG8xT

— Ryan Shazier (@RyanShazier) April 27, 2018

A dramatic week got even more so the next day, when a tornado hit his parents’ home, but everyone is OK.

A tornado hit our home today. It damaged the roof, destroyed the backyard and took our patio furniture somewhere. But there is some good news. Were all alive!#Shalieve#Grace&Mercy

— Vernon J. Shazier (@VernonShazier) April 28, 2018

April 14, 2018

Shazier was an honorary captain at Ohio State’s spring game. He used a wheelchair to get to the Buckeyes locker room, where he stood up to address the team before the scrimmage. Shazier also stood up to wave to the crowd at Ohio Stadium:

#Shalieve || The presence of @RyanShazier was felt during this year’s spring game. His return was a testimony of love of #TheBrotherhood. #GoBucks #LongLiveTheBrotherhood pic.twitter.com/jNlIyAaBG7

— Ohio State Football (@OhioStateFB) April 17, 2018

April 11, 2018

Shazier attended a Pittsburgh Penguins playoff game and while standing, he led the fans in a “Let’s go Pens” cheer.

Playoffs... HERE WE GO.#BurghProud pic.twitter.com/Ro4JhsGVlw

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) April 11, 2018

Shazier attended an NCAA tournament game in Pittsburgh.

March 4, 2018

During the NFL Combine, Shazier hopped on the phone with NFL Network’s Mike Mayock and Rich Eisen.

“My end goal is to allow the Lord to let me come back and play at the high level that I was before,” Shazier said. “Every day I try to get better. I strive for the Hall of Fame and I was doing that through this year, the whole time I was playing. And I still do that while I’m doing rehab. I know it’s still a possibility. I have the Lord and he has my back and I constantly feel I’m going to come back and play football.”

Feb. 28, 2018

At the NFL Combine, Steelers GM Kevin Colbert announced that Shazier wouldn’t be playing in the 2018 season:

Steelers GM says Ryan Shazier won’t play in 2018. “We know that, he knows that”

— Adam Stites (@AdamStites_) February 28, 2018

Feb. 20, 2018

On Feb. 20, Ryan Shazier spoke for the first time about his injury when he was a guest on his teammate Roosevelt Nix’s podcast. Shazier said that he’s making progress every day and that he plans to play football again one day.

Feb. 7, 2018

Team owner Art Rooney II confirmed that Shazier will still be heavily involved with the Steelers next season:

Art Rooney on Ryan Shazier's future: "I expect Ryan is going to be here one way or the other and have a roll on the team one way or other in 2018"

— Ed Bouchette (@EdBouchette) February 7, 2018

Feb. 6, 2018

Shazier attended a Penguins game and stood up, with some help, while fans gave him a standing ovation:

A well-deserved STANDING ovation for this guy. Welcome to the game, @RyanShazier! pic.twitter.com/IhBscrsXTT

— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) February 7, 2018

Feb. 4, 2018

ESPN’s Adam Schefter shared on Super Bowl Sunday that Shazier hasn’t just regained feeling in his legs, but he’s also regained movement and is “engaging in a regular walking routine.” But Michele Tafoya reported that Shazier wasn’t walking on his own, which Shazier then confirmed himself.

Feb. 1, 2018

Shazier posted the most encouraging sign of his recovery to that date with a picture that appeared to show him standing — albeit with support from teammate Ben Roethlisberger.

I’ve had a lot of 1st downs at UPMC, but you know being the defensive guy I am, my mind is on 3 and out. With that being said, I want everyone to know that I’m moving on to the next step of the process. Today’s a big day for me as I’m officially being released from the hospital. I want to take a moment to thank the people who have helped me the past two months. First and foremost, I want to thank God because at the end of the day I don’t think I’d be making progress without His vision and hands protecting me and my family. I will continue to trust in Him and thank Him, because it all starts with Him. To my family: you’ve been my rock. Words can’t express how thankful I am for you Michelle, RJ, Mom, Dad, and VJ for always being there for me. You’re my everything. To Jerome: my trainer and best friend. Thank you for being there from day 1 and every day after continuing to push me to be better every day. I’d like to thank Dr. Okonkwo, Dr. Harrington, Dr. Maroon, and Dr. Schroeder for their amazing work on my procedure and continuous care. I can’t appropriately express how grateful I am for how quickly you’ve helped me bounce back. I want to thank the medical staff at UPMC for their amazing care, support and therapy they have given me- especially Joe, Nikki, Karolina and Dani. I know the staff will continue to help me find a way to keep on pushing as we continue therapy. The support from my teammates has been truly amazing. From former players to current players and their families- they have helped me and my family day to day with visits and gifts. We can’t thank you enough. I want to thank Mr. Rooney, Coach T, Mr. Colbert, and the entire Steelers organization for the unwavering support they’ve given me. I knew they were an amazing organization, but more than ever they’re family to me. Lastly, I want to thank Jimmy, Candice, and the CAA Sports staff for being here when I need them most. I don’t know if I’d be where I’m at or making the progress I’m making without you guys. I want everyone to know that all of the support and prayers are absolutely being answered. I will continue to work hard and push and find a way back. #Shalieve #Steelers #prayfor50

A post shared by Ryan Shazier (@shazier) on Feb 1, 2018 at 10:57am PST

That same day, the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center released a statement saying that Shazier was discharged from inpatient rehab and will transition into an outpatient program to continue his recovery.

Jan. 14, 2018

Shazier was on hand to cheer on the Steelers during their Divisional Round game against the Jaguars.

#SHALIEVE pic.twitter.com/Q48FqcCfwh

— Pittsburgh Steelers (@steelers) January 14, 2018

He spoke to his teammates in the locker room to encourage them, according to CBS’ broadcast.

Jan. 10, 2018

This was the first photo that confirmed Shazier was in a wheelchair. His family and the team have kept details about Shazier’s condition close to the vest to protect his privacy as he recovers.

I want to thank the Lord for the first downs that he has been allowing me to achieve. The touchdown is going to come in his timing, but today was a first down. I was finally able to make it to practice with my teammates. It’s great to be back for practices and meetings. Just to be able to feel a part of it means the world. So I’m working harder than I ever have to get back. Ive been making strides over the past month and continue to make progress. Taking it day-by-day, but I’m far from done. The Lord has not finished his work yet. I want to say thank you to the fans and Steelers Nation for the prayers. If it wasn’t for my family, friends and your prayers I wouldn’t be were I am now. They have lifted me and my family through this journey and I ask for you to continue praying for me, as I continue to work daily on improving my health. #Shalieve#Steelers#prayfor50

A post shared by Ryan Shazier (@shazier) on Jan 10, 2018 at 11:13am PST

He visited his teammates at practice for the first time before the Steelers’ divisional matchup against the Jaguars, bringing an emotional lift as the team prepared for the postseason. Cameron Heyward told NFL Network’s Aditi Kinkhabwala that Shazier said he has good days and bad days. But the days he’s able to spend around his teammates are always good days.

Jan. 4, 2018

Shazier’s father, Vernon, said that Ryan regained feeling in his legs.

“He’s much better,” the elder Shazier told Pittsburgh’s WPXI-TV, “but we’ve agreed to keep his progress private until he’s ready to share where he’s at.”

Dec. 17, 2017

Shazier made his first public appearance since the injury at the Steelers’ Week 15 game against the Patriots,. He waved a Terrible Towel to pump up the crowd:

Dec. 12, 2017

The Steelers put Shazier on injured reserve, officially ending his season.

“Unfortunately Ryan will not be able to contribute on the field during the remainder of this season,” Steelers President Art Rooney II said in a statement. “However, even off the field Ryan will continue to be one of our team leaders. We know his spirit and positive outlook will help him to continue in his recovery, as well as serve as an inspiration to our team.”

Dec. 10, 2017

Shazier celebrated the Steelers’ Week 14 win over the Ravens with his teammates from his hospital bed via FaceTime.

#SHALIEVE : @RyanShazier pic.twitter.com/T3bN1DB8M5

— Pittsburgh Steelers (@steelers) December 11, 2017

It was their first game after Shazier’s injury.

“We didn’t play without him. He was out here with us, and we know it,” quarterback Ben Roethsliberger said after their 39-38 dramatic win. “Buddy, we love you so much. This one was for you, bud.”

Before the game, Antonio Brown and several other teammates wore customized cleats in honor of Shazier.

Dec. 7, 2017

Shazier underwent spinal stabilization surgery, according to an announcement from the team:

Statement from UPMC Neurosurgeons & #Steelers Team Physicians on Ryan Shazier pic.twitter.com/nE7xgsx7Tx

— Burt Lauten (@SteelersPRBurt) December 7, 2017

“I’m not worried about him playing for us again, I’m more worried about him,” Steelers defensive coordinator Keith Butler said via the Post-Gazette. “Y’all have been updated as much as we have. The thing that we’re hopeful for and prayerful for is that he comes back and he’ll be OK. The football stuff is secondary. His life is a lot more important to me than football.”

Dec. 6, 2017

Shazier was transported back to Pittsburgh to stay at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center:

Statement on #Steelers LB Ryan Shazier (Wednesday, Dec. 6): pic.twitter.com/7AVSzXMksr

— Burt Lauten (@SteelersPRBurt) December 6, 2017

Dec. 5, 2017

The Steelers updated Shazier’s status throughout the day:

Statement by #Steelers GM/VP Kevin Colbert on LB Ryan Shazier pic.twitter.com/WEp6wktNCu

— Burt Lauten (@SteelersPRBurt) December 5, 2017

Joint statement from Dr. David Okonkwo (UPMC) & Dr. Joseph Cheng (UCMC) on #Steelers LB Ryan Shazier. pic.twitter.com/ou4UkTRvVR

— Burt Lauten (@SteelersPRBurt) December 5, 2017

“I really have no update in terms of his medical status other than what was released earlier,” Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin told reporters. “I would imagine at the appropriate time that those who are responsible for his care will give you a reasonable assessment of where he is. I imagine that would occur as soon as later on today.”

“From my perspective, obviously it was a tough evening,” he said. “Ryan’s a trooper. I had an opportunity to spend some time with him, and he’s in good spirits.”

Dec. 4, 2017

Shazier was injured during a Monday Night Football game against the Bengals in Week 13. On Cincinnati’s first possession of the game, Shazier went to the ground clutching his back after tackling Bengals wide receiver Josh Malone. It looked like a normal, everyday kind of tackle until Shazier didn’t get up.

Shazier was immobilized on a backboard, carted off the field, and taken to a Cincinnati hospital.

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin did not have an update on Shazier’s status after the game.

“This is a tough game, tough business,” Tomlin said. “5-0 (Shazier) is our brother.”

What does Ryan Shazier mean to the Steelers?

Shazier has been the Steelers’ biggest defensive playmaker since they took him in the first round of the 2014 draft.

He means so much more to the Steelers than that, as was seen in the way his teammates reacted immediately after his injury. They had a hard time holding back tears in the immediate aftermath and for the rest of the game.

“I don’t think Vince (Williams) stopped crying until after halftime, and that’s one of the most gangster dudes on the team,” safety Mike Mitchell said, via The MMQB’s Greg Bishop. “People had to grab him by the face mask and be like, ‘Yo, you’re the middle linebacker now. You can’t be sniffling.’”

The Steelers went on to win that game, beating the Bengals 23-20. They won four of their last five, locking up the second seed in the AFC before falling to the Jaguars in the Divisional Round.

He wasn’t on the field, but they didn’t do it without Shazier.

“When you see him, you know how much he loves football and wants to be out there for us,” linebacker Anthony Chickillo said, through the team’s website. “You just want to go hard for him. You just want to win for him.”

What’s Shazier’s prognosis?

Shazier started rehab days after undergoing surgery. He’s still very much a part of the Steelers, even if he never takes the field again.

Shazier and his family believe that he will play again.

“Yes, I do,” Vernon Shazier said. “I Shalieve.” Shazier and his family consistently use that play on Shazier’s last name and the word “believe“ when talking about his injury.

The injury was terrifying, and it’s difficult to even think about whether Shazier can or will play football in the future. What matters now is just Shazier’s continued recovery.

0 notes

malachitelibrary · 8 years ago

Text

Master FAQ (Post version for mobile)

This will also be tagged as #FAQ so it is always available for mobile users. This includes every single FAQ question ever that I have. Read this post before sending in any questions, as I will not respond if it is answered here.

Can I ask you a question?

Maybe. Did you read the ENTIRE FAQ first?

But I don’t have time/energy to read the entire FAQ that you used your free time/energy to write and provided for free on tumblr!

Then I don’t have time to help you.

Do you have a masterpost with all of your resources?

Yes, right here.

Uhmmmm a lot of this sounds fake :/

>me

>caring about what complete strangers on the internet think

>kek.jpg

Do you announce when your readings are open again, and where?

I make a post announcing when they are back open again, and additionally update my services page. These are generally found in the tag #update or #status.

Is (X magic thing) safe?

Nothing is ever truly safe. Though you can reduce potential troubles by being cautious, open-minded, and by using your brain.

How can I improve X magic skill/How do I git gud?

Do it. Do it a lot, at least 30 times. Yes, counting does help. While aid such as meditation, enchantments, etc may make skills easier to learn, they still don't replace actually doing the work. Also, read up on the concept of deliberate practice, and try to use it.

Ah, you know a (insert species name)/have a (insert species name) companion! Does that mean you know (insert specific name like Malek, Arghradan, etc)?

No?? That would be like going "Hey you're a human?? Do you know someone named Azir?" Just because I know one (1) spirit doesn't mean I or my spirit knows every single member of their species.

Can I rant/vent to you?

Are you someone that has spoken with me regularly several times over the course of at least a few weeks, and are therefore a friend I have a personal connection with?

>If YES, go ahead.

>If NO, don’t. Why are you trying to rant to a total stranger on the internet????? I am not your friend nor your therapist. It would be far more in your benefit if you made friends you could rant to or saw a therapist about what’s bothering you.

I had a weird dream! (Insert long story). What does it mean?

Dreams and symbolism in them are highly, highly personal. There is no way for me to know what certain symbols mean to you, you must decide for yourself. You can use Google for help though.

I think I’m seeing signs! (Insert long story) Do you think it’s a sign? And what does it mean?

Signs are also highly personal. There is no way for me to know what a sign means to you. Use your own discernment in determining if something is a sign.

This spirit was scary! Is it a demon (as in the actual spirit species demon and not demon as in ‘evil spirit’)?

“This spirit was scary/malicious/hurt my feelings” is not a legitimate reason to jump to the conclusion that the spirit you encountered is of the demonic species.

I’m having issues with a malicious spirit. (Insert long story). What should I do?

Banish, cleanse and protect. The answer will always boil down to this.

I do not have beginner resources on my blog (besides the FAQ) so you will have to look elsewhere for those. There are many beginner-friendly blogs on tumblr but I am not one of them.

What blogs do you recommend for beginners/what blogs are beginner-friendly, then?

spiritconnect, spiritvexer, urbanspellcraft, delicate-flower-here, stormbornwitch (weather/storm magic), nightkunoichi (dragons and dragon magic), mothmaam (sea and general magic), hecaatia, orriculum, blackbearmagic

What are some blogs with intermediate/advanced content?

Yours truly ;Vc, duskenpath, daemonwitch, hecaatia, cawofthewitch, baalat-ov, tinyrosemarysparrows

Why don’t you write beginner posts??

I don’t fucking want to.

I don’t want like writing unoriginal shit that has been regurgitated by everyone else.

They’re literally e v e r y w h e r e, like 99% of magic blogs are beginner oriented/friendly, and if someone complains that they have trouble finding beginner posts then that means they really aren’t looking hard enough

As the about says, this blog is not oriented towards beginners

What does UPG/SPG/VPG mean?

UPG: “Unverified Personal Gnosis”. Magical knowledge of a single person with little to no backing in widely accepted lore considered cannon. Very common for entities that are unrecorded in lore, such as Lowborn Demons.

SPG: “Shared Personal Gnosis”: Magical knowledge that is shared between many people, but still has no backing in widely accepted lore. Again, common for unrecorded entities.

VPG: “Verified Personal Gnosis”: Magical knowledge that is shared but also backed time and time again in lore. These are the closest things to “truth” you will get. Example: Juno is a Roman Goddess who ruled over mothers, marriage, and money of the state. Example 2: European fae usually have bad reactions to metal.

Note 1: Some people use “gnosis” as meaning SOOOOPER special knowledge that fundamentally changes your entire craft/perception. Others mean it as general magical knowledge, like I did above.

Note 2: Just because something is in a book doesn’t mean it’s automatically verified. Most books are simply UPG/SPG that someone wrote down. Time + very high amounts of SPG are what lead to something becoming VPG.

Note 3: Just because something is UPG, doesn’t mean it’s inherently false.

How do I get started in (magic, spirit work, energy work, witchcraft, etc)?

Research, find out what you like, then do it to find out if you like it. If you like it, keep doing it. I’m not going to answer broad questions like this because the answer will always be the same.

What do you use for bibliomancy/random quotes divination?

I use this.

How did you remember your past lives?

I remembered by doing a gigantic past life reading (about 30 cards), meditating on them a bit, and then doing activities similar to the ones in my memories. Because one past life played video games, playing video games in this life helped bring up a ton of memories. I call “doing things similar to things in that life” the “association” method.

What should you do with food offerings to spirits? Do I have to wait for it to spoil before I can dispose of the offering?

Usually just let it sit around for 5-20 minutes, as long as its enough time for the spirit to eat the energies. You definitely don’t have to wait for it to spoil.

Some people dump it onto the dirt/bury it (called a libation I believe?), some eat it (some spirits are okay with that and others are not tho, so u best ask), some just throw it out.

Can you tell me about/do you know anything about (insert demon name)?

Unless they are Prince Gaap or Duke Crocell, assume that I know very little about them. If you want to ask about Gaap or Crocell, please use their names and not their numbers.

If they aren’t Gaap/Crocell, I don’t know anything off of the top of my head as I have never worked with them. I recommend reading excerpts from:

The Pseudomonarchia Daemonum by Johann Weyer

Lesser Key of Solomon

Dictionnaire Infernal

From the Luciferian Goetia by Michael Ford (2007)

From Daemonolatry Goetia by S. Connolly (2010)

The first three can be found online for free rather easily and are considered “free” sources as far as I know since they’re old texts. The last two you can find on amazon; I do not recommend pirating modern books because 1) you can’t complain how few good magical books there are and then not support the authors, 2) book curses.

You are still free to send in questions like this, however, expect this passage Copy+Pasted maybe with some recommendations of other sources.

What's a book curse?

A book that is cursed, usually to prevent plagiarism or the wrong people/people not given permission from reading it.

Do you work with Lucifer/can you tell me about Lucifer/etc?

No I do not work with Lucifer, and I do not have any plans to. Please do not ask me about Lucifer as I do not work with them.

Is god real/Do they really judge people/other god related questions?

That is something you should answer for yourself.

My personal take:

There are 2394832094839204 angels saying god is real so yeah there might be someone up there.

Saying you will go to hell is fearmongering that is common in many religions

If everyone who didn’t believe in god went to hell, most of this earth’s previous population would be there, and all spirits unrelated to god (such as most fae, most werewolves etc) would also be there.

Do not ask me questions related to god, I am no expert, I do not work with or follow him. Questions I deem too relevant to this will just be deleted.

Are all demons evil?

Are all humans evil? Are all angels good?

How do I practice magic secretly/in my own house without being found out?

I refuse to give advice on this since it’s illegal to give “religious advice” to minors without parental permission in the United States. Sorry, since I use this blog to make money on the side a bit, I would rather not have ways for potential lawsuits open.

What demons are good for beginners?

Lowborns, because for the most part they are exactly like us but even nicer in their daily lives. Other than that there is no way to gauge what is good for a “beginner”, as “beginners” vary a lot in what they feel ready for/what they think they may be able to handle.

However, I advise against Goetics (demons from the Ars Goetia/Lesser Key of Solomon) as many have a bad reputation for becoming manipulative/abusive, as in A MUCH HIGHER RATE THAN WITH ANY OTHER KIND OF ENTITIES. Also, Gaap and Crocell have straight up told me that they do not enjoy beginners.

How do I start work with demons?

1) Pick what kind of demon you want to work with, there’s tons of companion shops who can match you with safER ones. If you reaallly want to work with Hellborns that badly, try for hellborns that live in the above-ground version of Hell: the above-ground Hell is much, MUCH nicer than the underground portions (where many of the Goetic demons reside) . MoonSpiritBoutique is the only companion shop I can recommend and still have a clean conscience.

2) talk to them and chill with them

What other blogs do you recommend for those looking to work with demons?

daemonwitch is super cool, cloversinthecornfield , and serraphire also know a bit!

What blogs do you recommend on working with angels?

seraphickalmagick (the person has moved blogs, but their old informational posts are still up!), serapphire, waywardfrog, have a few informational posts!

I do not know if the following have info posts but: @baalat-ov has a few posts about them from a variety of perspectives, @seraphsweetie , @spiritadvice, @void-and-stardust , @melancholyprophet, @angelusmisericordiae, and @nobodyandheartless

@atheliel, @confusedsmolangel, @dreamingofangelicflight, @azriaphale, @zxdkiel are some angel kin I’ve seen floating around, and @quietdawnflock is an angelic group chat I have heard of.

Do you accept reading swaps, versus paying?

I accept reading swaps, but not from those who consider themselves a beginner on their tool/not confident of their accuracy. Quality for quality.

Protection FAQ

Why is magic protection so highly recommended for magic users? What is the point? And what can they realistically do for you?

It can help protect you if a spell you cast backfires for any reason.

It can help protect you from other magic-users’ curses.

It can help protect you from spirits, which notice people who use magic much more than non-magic people.

It can help protect you from mundane issues, such as dissuade car crashes, creeps, etc.

Note that I say HELP protect because while protection magic can decrease the likeliness of unwanted scenarios, it is almost never a 100% guarantee for safety.

When do I need to protect?

It is HIGHLY recommended to have protections at all times, no matter what sort of magical work you are doing. Protection magic rarely if ever backfires, and can protect you from your own spells backfiring and other things.

For spirit work, you ALWAYS need to have protections up. Because of course, bad spirits, yadda yadda.

For energy work (especially healing), you ALWAYS need to have protections up. Because maybe a person’s energy is toxic/incompatible to you for whatever reason. Also someone you’re healing may be carrying a parasite, which can just jump from the person you are healing to you, if you do not have protections.

For any sort of magical work, it is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. As again, it protects from others’ curses, and can protect you from your own spells backfiring.

What exactly am I protecting? (house/self/other) What can I protect/protect against?

You could attempt to protect everything and anything, against anything and everything. However, casting a protection spell for everyone is just not realistic.

Some common things to protect are (NOT LIMITED TO THIS LIST):

Yourself (Against magical harm, against physical danger,against illness)

Your home (Against robbery, against fires/other damage)

Your pets (against physical/magical harm)

Your car (against car crashes, against your own clumsiness)

What is a ward? What is shielding?

I define a ward as a protective wall of energy. It can be over your house, over a room, anything, including yourself. Though some people call wards on their person “shielding”.

How do I set up magic protections? (Including wards).

How to make a ward through visualization: Imagine a protective wall of energy made out of whatever elements you want. So fire, water, void, whatever.

How to make a ward/other magical protections with materials:

1. Light the incense/candle, lay the satchet of herbs out, whatever

2. Say something/hold a thought in your mind that hints at protective intent. Example: As I light this candle, it forms a protective ring around me/my space.

3. You are protected.

More Detail: What are wards and how do you make them? by @spiritvexer

How to make protections with sigils:

1. Draw something that symbolizes protection to you.

2. Charge it.

3. You are protected.

What resources do YOU have on magical protections/staying safe magically?

Ward Types and Components

Top Ward Mistakes I

Top Ward Mistakes II

How to Identify and Deal With an Unruly Spirit

Others’ resources on magical protections?

NOT my resources, all resources have been credited .

Harry Potter Inspired Ward Incantations by @diasdreams

What are wards and how do you make them? by @spiritvexer

What are the best ways to protect yourself when trying to communicate with spirits? @spiritvexer

If you want your ORIGINAL protection post featured in this FAQ, just send it to me and I can add it in!

So I’ve come across something that got through my best wards…

Banish it.

Is relying on banishment ok if I don’t want to protect?

I mean, I guess. You’re probably going to do a LOT of banishing though, since anything can waltz right in. Might be a good way to practice for the more daring, but not recommended.

I cannot find a protection spell that works for my situation.

Write your own, and/or keep looking.

I have heard protection can keep out good spirits, is that true?

It can be true, if your protections are not selective enough. Selectivity is the ability of a protection to differentiate between good and bad; so you must create a ward with decent selectivity. To do this, I recommend having a list of EVERYTHING that you specifically allow through your wards, and everything you can think of that you do not want coming through your wards. Then, create your wards with that list in mind.

This will not be an issue for wards/other protections with good selectivity.

I don’t want to protect because I…

Don’t even ask that.

When do I know it’s time to upgrade my protections?

If, DESPITE your protections:

entities are breaking in often

You are hit by curses/other mal-intent

When healing others, you keep picking up their negative energy/parasites

You feel like it.

You want to.

Note that the reasons to upgrade your protections are not limited to this list.

How do I protect an apartment when I have no access to land to bury a witch jar?

Keep the jar in your house. You do not need to bury a jar to protect your living space.

ALSO, burying a jar is LITTERING. Bury it in something biodegradable instead, like a coconut, big leaf for example. Make sure what is in the coconut/leaf/etc is biodegradable as well.

This will be updated every once in a while maybe. Again, please check this FAQ before you ask me any questions concerning this, please ^-^ I won’t respond if the question is already answered here.

Energy Work FAQ:

What does energy feel like?

It just…feels like energy. Energy, in a way, is a catch-all term. There really isn’t a way to describe the whole of energy; sure, you can describe parts of it, like the texture, color, or scent.

Does everything have energy? Even inanimate things like paper, crystal?

Yes everything has energy- science says so too because you know, potential and kinetic energy- though that’s not the only parts of energy you can sense.

Are there any energies that are better for beginners to start with while sensing?

I wouldn’t say so, I believe it’s best to do it wherever and whenever you can. There’s no place or energies that are better than any other to sense

How do I sense energy?

This is the tl;dr version but honestly there is not much more to sensing energy than this. It is genuinely simple

1. Ask yourself, “What does the energy of (insert thing here) feel like?”

2. Use your gut/intuition and pay attention to whatever comes to mind.

3. Practice.

How do I send energy?

This is the tl;dr version but honestly there is not much more to sending energy than this. It is genuinely simple. You do not need to be able to see energy with your physical eyes or third eye to be able to send energy.

1. Focus on your target or a representation of your target.

2. Imagine energy flowing from you/your energy source to your target. You do not need to be able to see energy with your physical eyes or third eye to be able to send energy.

Do I need to see energy with my physical eyes or third eye to be able to sense or send energy?

You do not need to be able to see energy with your physical eyes or third eye to be able to send or sense energy.

What kind of exercises can I do to strengthen my energy sensing skills? How can I practice?

Basically just try to sense energy everywhere; try to feel the energy of a certain object, try to feel the energy of a certain room. Then describe it; and try to be specific in your descriptions. At first you might just be like “the room feels nice”, but as you keep trying to grind for detail it will turn into “the room feels nice because of the plant energies and generally calm and warm emotions of the owner of this bedroom”. So basically just try and practice anywhere, everywhere! You don’t need any specific tools/items to do this which is why u can practice anywhere.

But how do I know I’m right? How can I verify that’s what the actual energies are and not something I’m just thinking is there because I want it to be?

Your gut, practice, and possibly input by other people/spirits. There’s no way to scientifically/empirically verify that whatever you sensed was right. You’re just going to have to be confident in yourself.

What is grounding? When should I ground? And how do I ground?

Grounding is an energetic exercise that can help balance and cleanse your own energies. This is only one version of “grounding”; grounding is sometimes used as a catch-all term to bring yourself back to reality, out of magical feelings. You can ground before/after a magical working, and whenever you want.

1. Sit or lie down somewhere

2. Imagine roots extending from your back down into the ground

3. Imagine those roots absorbing energy from the ground and giving it to you, and/or have a second root branch that gives your negative/unnecessary energy back to the earth.

4. Do as long as you want.

A few Not-Energetic Exercise forms of grounding, to bring you back to reality, are:

Eating food

Going for a walk outside

Playing video games

Talking to others about mundane topics

It is not limited to these few, these are just a few examples. Anything where yu are focusing on the mundane/physical reality an be considered the not-energetic exercise form of grounding.

What is centering? When should I center? How do I center?

Centering is the act of gathering your lost/scattered energy. It can also be used to raise/store energy for a magical working. Center whenever you want and/or before a magical working.

1. Focus on yourself

2. Imagine glowing bits of your lost/scattered energy flowing back into yourself.

HEALING FAQ:

Can healing magic replace going to the doctor/psychiatrist?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO. No. Absolutely not. The origins/cause of physical/mental issues are mundane 99.9999% of the time, and thus should be treated with mundane treatments first. Even if you believe the cause is spiritual/magical in nature, it could never hurt to get yourself checked out through a mundane method.

Do I need to be born with the ability to heal?

No??? Not at all.

Do you have to have a certain personality to be able to heal?

Not at all, no.

Can some people heal easier than others?

Yes, the ones that practice healing more will have an easier time performing healings.

How do I become a healer?

1. Want to heal stuff.

2. Go cast healing spells/do healing energy work.

How long do I have to practice healing before I can consider myself a healer?

There is no minimum length of time you have to practice healing. You could call yourself a healer as soon as you cast your first healing spell. In my opinion, it is more about the intent/willingness to heal others that makes you a healer, than the length of time.

Can I do healings on animals?

Yep!

Can I do healings on myself?

Yes, absolutely. When you get a bruise, does someone have to swoop in and heal it? No, your body repairs itself. Same applies to magic; you are perfectly capable of healing yourself magically.

Is it safe to try healing someone else?

Yes, as long as use your own caution, common sense, and communicate with the healing recipient, it will be. For minimum safety guidelines I suggest you ward and cleanse beforehand (yourself and the person you are healing/have them cleanse themself), and cleanse yourself again afterwards.

Can you heal spirits/entities?

Yes, though energy bodies will vary more than on Earth, so you will have to be more cautious.

Will it be alright to be a healer if I have issues myself?

As long as those issues don’t interfere with the actual sending of healing energy, and you cleanse yourself before and afterwards and ward , you should be fine.

What resources do you have on healing/healing-related energy work?

Energy Work FAQ

Jelly’s Energy System Notes: Introduction

Types of Energetic Blockages/Anomalies

Healing: Communicating With Points

How to Read an Energy System

Types of Energy Reading

Detecting and Dealing with Energy Parasites

What types of energies are used in healing?

You can use whatever energies you want. Some people use white light, others like one of the four traditional elements (water, earth, fire, air); all types of energies can be used for healing. However, I recommend asking the recipient what types of energies work best with them, and what energies do not , or harm them. Energies that work best with the recipient are absorbed more easily and thus can usually heal more effectively. Energies that they do not work well with, however, can actually do harm, thus defeating the point of the healing.

What preparations should be done before healing?

These are not 100% necessary, but I highly recommend them for maximum safety: Cleanse whomever you’re cleaning/have them cleanse themself, cleanse yourself, ward yourself/your connections/link against possible parasites/the recipient’s negative energy. You may also want to gather energy, possibly through grounding and/or centering beforehand. Again, none of these are strict requirements but everything in the first sentence is highly recommended for maximum safety and ease of healing process.

How can you find beings to practice healing on?

Ask your friends/people you know well

Offer your healing services on tumblr. And do ask that people leave reviews, so that you are able to learn.

Ask your spirit guides/guardians/companions if you could practice healing on them.

Heal yourself.

What are some simple ways to practice healing?

Heal yourself after a hard day at work/school.

Heal yourself after watching a show/movie or reading a book that had a sad scene and made you cry.

Do a healing on yourself at regular intervals, maybe once a week, or once a month.

How can I get better at healing?

Practice, actually do the healing.

Ask your spirits/entities/guides/guardians if they could help teach you healing.

Ask people you know that do healing, for tips on how to git gud at healing.

Ask for feedback/reviews when you perform healings.

What healers do you know on tumblr?

I know @duskenpath and @spiritvexer offer healing services, however check if their services are open before asking them for a healing.

There is also myself, though I do not heal for free.

Anyone who would like to get the word out about their healing services is free to IM me so I can edit them in!

What do you know about Reiki?

I know that it is a type of healing energy work, using the energy of the Universe. It was founded by Usui, and you need an attunement to be able to send reiki energy. I do not use Reiki so I am no expert on it, however Duskenpath has resources on it and offers reiki healing (though check that her healing services are open first).

Can healing magic replace going to the doctor/psychiatrist?

How does healing physical ailments versus mental versus emotional ailments work?

Physical ailments: The person should REALLY REALLY go to the doctor first. If the origin is mundane in nature, healing magic will be absolutely ineffective unless the person is already receiving physical treatment for their physical issue. For physical ailments, healing magic can do nothing but cover up the symptoms until the person receives mundane treatment for their mundane physical issue.

Physical ailments are tied to the physical body first and foremost, and the energetic system second, IF they actually show up in the energetic system. That’s right- a physical ailment might not even show up in someone’s energy system because of that fact. This is why I stress so, so hard to go to the doctor for physical ailments.

While miracles are possible, they are few and far between, hence the term, “miracles”. If you want to use magic for physical healing, rather than trying to put healing energies on the physical wound, it would be more effective to cast spells that encourage going to the doctor, such as summoning a trip to the doctor, or a spell to make the trip to the doc smoother/more effective. Of course, be sure to actually schedule an appointment and go.

Mental: Same as above, please go to the doctor/psychiatrist first if the issue is severe. Many mental illnesses are due to chemical imbalances in the brain, and thus cannot be effectively treated with magic alone.

Emotional: Again if your issue is severe, please please go to a doctor/psychiatrist first. However, being slightly more often non-physical in origin, these issues are more likely to show up in someone’s energetic system. An emotional issue can show up in nearly all points or energetic flowpaths.

Astrally, is it possible to use healing to replace lost limbs?

Yes, though that is rather advanced healing magic, and will take some time if you want to learn healing that far.

Astral FAQ

These are Frequently Asked Questions I get about astral. Please check this guide before asking me questions concerning astralling! This will be updated regularly, as I receive more questions.

What is the astral?

Note that this is MY definition: I consider the astral to be absolutely everything; our plane of existence, spirits’ planes of existence, pop culture realms, etc. The astral is everywhere and everything.

How does astral travel work?

When you travel, a small portion of your consciousness leaves your body.

This consciousness manifests as its own body on the astral, or it could “awaken” in an astral body you already have. In travel, you do not see/hear/feel/think as clearly as you do during projection, simply because only a portion of your consciousness has left your body.

What is astral travel versus astral projection versus OBE?

Note, again, these are MY definitions:

In astral travel, a PORTION of your consciousness leaves your body and is able to explore other realms.

In Astral Projection, nearly your entire consciousness leaves your body. Astral projection is much harder to achieve than travel. This is the “gold standard” of astral travel, where you see/hear/feel/think with complete or almost complete clarity.

In an OBE, Out-of-Body-Experience, your consciousness FULLY leave your body. As of right now, I do not believe this is possible without a near-death experience, or actual death.

What are some ways to astral travel?

Meditate.

Guided meditations

Trance

Have a spirit you know and trust “pull” you into the astral.

(Visualization) Imagine a door. Imagine/focus on what is on the other side of the door. Walk through it.

(Visualization) Imagine an X (pool, mirror, etc). Imagine/focus on what is on the other side of X. Walk through it.

Lucid Dreaming

“Splitting”: Imagine a copy of yourself hovering above you. Notice your consciousness in your own body, then “jump” your consciousness into that copy of yourself floating above you. Proceed to go where you want.

What are some ways to astral project?

Just….keep practicing astral travel, maybe try new methods. I highly recommend reading Astral Dynamics by Robert Bruce, I have literally NEVER EVER found a more comprehensive, extremely informative, and yet still beginner-friendly and not overly complex guide to astral travel/projection.

Differentiating “true astral” from imagination?

True Astral:

will always have external interactions that are not in your own head; entities talking/living their own lives whether your imagination/consciousness directs them to or not. Entities moving independently of your will.

Spirits (good or bad) being able to follow you back home, to your physical body and interact with you there

Unexpected/Unpredictable occurrences happen

You get injured and it may hurt your astral body and maybe feel it a little physically too. Injury damages your magical abilities/astral abilities

Your astral body can die and you won’t be able to access “true astral” until you regenerate.

You can meet other humans consciously. As in, you can text your friend and meetup on the astral together, and talk about it IRL afterwards.

Imagination:

You are in full control of everything.

What you expect to happen, will happen

Entities are like puppets or dolls; they don’t move around unless you imagine them doing so, and if/when they interact with you, it’s things you expected them to say

You will not tire, or will tire extremely slowly.

You die/get extremely hurt and nothing happens. You can regenerate at will/heal whenever and wherever you want.

You talk to your friend, then you talk to them later IRL and they have no idea what you talked about.

Why do people always imagine common fantasy stuff when astralling? Don’t you think astral and what happens there is just your imagination and happens in your head? I mean strangely all the people who talk about astral experiences describe common fantasy stuff. I’d say if astral was real it would contain a lot of stuff people can’t even imagine, and yet everyone describes dragons, elfs, etc, that which their mind already knows, nothing out of ordinary. Isn’t this suspicious?

One reason people generally imagine common fantasy is stuff is because that’s what most people care about, and thus go to. It’s hard to care about a species that humanity has never even encountered before, isn’t it? Also, how can you visit the realm of something you have never even heard of/can’t imagine before? Astral travel needs knowledge of where you will go to, so it’s pretty hard (and probably super dangerous) to just say “take me somewhere beyond my imagination.”

There’s also the problem of perception: during astralling, the mind usually replaces things you don’t know with things you do know of, to use less energy while astralling. While you can force your brain to show “the truth”, the more the thing you are trying to look at is beyond your imagination, the more energy and effort it will take to see “the truth”.

How do you do astral laundry?

Note: Not limited to this list.

Have a companion you’re comfortable with seeing you nude do your laundry for you.

Astral travel two feet away from your earth self, take your astral clothes off, put them in your washer/dryer (with your astral self or earth self), physically run the washer/dryer (you can wash other clothes with it). Take your clothes out, travel again and put your clothes back on.

Destroy your clothes and remake clean ones.

How do past lives affect current astral shenanigans?

You might appear as one of your past life forms/bodies. Spirits from your past lives could also attempt to find you on the astral (whether malicious or friendly, so always be cautious).

How to meet spirits on the astral?

Tl;dr:

1. Be able to astral and able to distinguish between astralling/imagination.

2. Go somewhere with spirits.

How to safely meet spirits on the astral?

There is no 100% guarantee of safety when astralling.

Some suggestions are:

Have spirit guides/guardians/protective companions take you somewhere safe

Actually know where you are going and who you want to meet

How do you keep possibly malicious spirits/entities/beings from following you back home?

This is what wards in your living space/where you are when you astral are for. Wards can fuddle your energy signature from being found by spirits you don’t want to find you.

Make sure you “come back” correctly; that you walked back through your imagined door, imagined yourself falling back into your physical body, whatever.

Do a centering exercise, which will help you “pull back in” trace amounts of energy you left where you went when astralling. Do make sure your wards are up first, to make sure nothing follows the “pull” back to your physical body. If you don’t know what centering is/how to do it, check the “energy work” section of my FAQ/my energy work FAQ post.

Manners/social etiquette/social skills in the astral?

Obviously those will vary a LOT based on where you go. I literally can’t write a comprehensive guide as the astral is home to a limitless number of cultures.

But some things to keep in mind are:

Don’t fight every single thing you see ever. Don’t try and provoke fights with every single thing ever. Retribution is a thing and the majority of spirits have the advantage when fighting in the astral.

Just because something looks scary doesn’t mean it’s out to get you.

Observe the culture, maybe talk with some of the nicer (and not trickster) locals who can tell you the Do’s and Don’ts of their culture.

Heeeeeeey people keep talking about different places in the astral and are they alternate locations all on the same plane or are there alternate astral planes with alternate inhabitants?

There are alternate astral planes with their own inhabitants, and alternate locations on the same plane.

Example of the former: We are on earth. Heaven exists on its own plane of the universe.

Example of the latter: We are on Earth. An alternate location on our plane of existence would be Venus.

Is it possible for entities/other people to drag you into the astral (forcefully or not)?

Absolutely, both people and entities can bring you to the astral. And they can do it forcefully or consensually (consensually obviously takes a lot less energy).

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Anyone who wants to is free to copy/paste this FAQ and use it on their blog, full permission given. It’s not like most of the answers on here are original/haven’t been regurgitated a billion times by the magic community lmaoooo

#FAQ #frequently asked questions

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murderedfowl-blog · 8 years ago

Text

ok y’all remember how like two days ago i was cryin in the Least Formal manner abt henry’s coping mechanisms & childish nature well here’s a proper(TM) hc post abt it strap in m’dudes here we go i don’t promise it’ll make sense but y’know i will Try

first & foremost , i wanna point out specific traits that henry possesses and then i’ll like... go into depth abt them or whatever but alrighty :

01. finding jokes / amusement in everything , even if it is not appropriate to do so 02. a desire to please / obey based on a perceived reward system , even if that reward is simply an absence of punishment 03. a fear of pain despite desiring death ( & an exciting death at that ) 04. the idea of ‘ power ’ vs ‘ weakness ’ / a closer look @ certain fears

k so here we go . . . first off , if we look at henry’s childhood it was not a happy place. the closest thing they had to positive companionship was animals , the love of other human beings a foreign affair from their earliest memories. even prior to the institution , things were not good & i imagine , that like most children , henry tried very hard ( at first ) to gain their parents’ love & affections ( there’s some quote that goes like . . . ‘ mother / parents are god in the eyes of a child ’ & i think that held true for some length of time ?? they v much wanted to please these beings who brought them into the world bc they were , despite it all , very precious to henry ) via being a ‘ good child ’ i.e. trying to do as told , regardless of what it was. while i don’t believe their parents simply dumped them in the woods ( the translations from jpn supports seem to suggest they did ‘ raise ’ them ) i do believe they were heavily neglectful , most likely not people who wanted a child at all but got stuck with one nonetheless. there was nothing henry could have done to make their parents fond of them , but ?? that is not a concept they will recognize until later.

so with that said , from that henry started to learn this idea of ‘ people pleasing ’ that they address a few times ( the most prominent ones that come to mind are their comment about ‘ if you don’t trust me , you can just kill me ’ & some comment that is made to robin about how the only order they won’t obey is ‘ don’t fight ’ , but i’ll address that a bit later on ) and the concept that they didn’t matter particularly , just the whims of those around them , something that was further expanded upon in the institution they were sent to.

from what henry says , we can assume it was not just an orphanage or place to house ‘ unruly ’ children. they mention spikes being on the floor & in a conversation with olivia they state ‘ It was in this institution my parents put me in, right~ there were quite severe punishments for kids who didn't listen -- that kind of stuff happened~ Now that was painful~ ’ which i am positive instilled in them a sense of obedience , further than that which their parents began. if you acted out , if you failed to do as told , if you fucked up in any capacity , you were subjected to extreme pain & near death experiences ( & frankly , i’m sure henry did watch some kids die while they were there ; accidents happen & no one seemed to care very much for these kids ) and henry has , without a doubt , been subjected to such pain themselves. which is where this idea of pain = bad , death = good likely begins to stem from as well ; pain is a prolonged thing , a very bad thing , a sign that you had done something wrong & it could hurt for very long periods of time , whereas death , they began to see , was instant release. to some degree , they were likely jealous of the kids that died , because at least then those kids were no longer suffering , never having to feel pain again. from this whole experience a lot of shit stemmed , not just that.

beyond just this concept of pain is bad , death is good , & a need to do as told , they were forced to normalize certain things at a very young age , those things being death , murder , blood , violence , pain , punishment . . . etc , etc. essentially , very bad things. being a kid , ‘ normalizing ’ them meant . . . not making them a ‘ comfort ’ per-se , but making them familiar in a way that wasn’t negative. to fear or hate them would have been too much for them to handle , so it had to become a game or an ‘ okay thing ’ & as such , henry’s fascination with war / blood / death became a coping mechanism , finding familiarity in such things as it was all they ever really knew and were unable to think of it was ‘ bad ’ ( on some level they are , of course , aware that it is not. a good thing. but to face that prospect is to face a lot of other shit that a child simply wasn’t prepared to do & that now , as an adult , henry is somewhat incapable of doing at present time bc their mind sort of ... stuck ??? them ??? in a child - like state because maturing was too difficult in the given environment ) and to a child if something isn’t bad then it must be good --- right ? thus comes the commentary of ‘ i love war ’ & a general chill attitude toward really morbid shit. but , beyond that , i think what they really appreciate is that they have this very familiar situation and where they are currently , they are not a victim of it. which brings me to point 04.

henry is not sadistic , in the sense that they do not find joy in the suffering of others & even go so far as to promise quick & painless deaths to people important to them b/c they understand that pain is a terrifying , awful thing. however. they do enjoy being in a position where they are ‘ powerful ’ i.e. in a position where they can inflict these situations vs. having to merely take them , though i think they vastly prefer like . . . giving quick deaths vs. painful ones , when they are on the battle field.

essentially henry is a scared child ( ‘ child ’ they’re an adult but y’know. childlike mentality. ) who doesn’t want to be hurt anymore but only recognizes carnage as a ‘ norm ’ & takes comfort in the fact that they now have a position in it wherein they may die , but they’re not a victim. they feel safer in this familiar environment , the way things are now. fear , i think , is a big motivator for them and they see a lot of things in a . . . not necessarily ‘ black and white ’ sort of sense , but a. ‘ if this is a thing then x isn’t ’ sort of ?? way ?? and there are exceptions and henry is capable of having in depth conversations abt it but like . . . they don’t want to lmao ?? not if ur gonna argue w/ them. so there’s that.

but that also brings me back to the ‘ don’t tell me not to fight ’ point from earlier. what i personally take that to mean is like . . . ‘ dont tell me to sit back and be hurt / let someone be hurt ’ bc that is , in a way , playing the victim again. being powerless in this sort of a situation. while henry is a very submissive person , they desperately don’t want to be hurt or put a helpless situation ever again. there’s a difference between people pleasing and letting yourself be put into a place where you’re actively suffering & can’t do anything about it.

oh yeah also henry is aware they’re coping lmao ,,, they know they use laughter and smiles and childlike behavior and the normalization of fucked up shit to get by , they know it’s not. actually ok. as seen in one of the convos they have w/ ... owain or inigo idr which rn but it’s one of them. so they’re capable of mature convos. abt this sort of shit but they : ) don’t like to have them : ) as much as they love oversharing that’s the sort of stuff u gotta like... fish out of them & they gotta be close to you before you get to the bottom of that can of worms so.

anyway i’m not sure this post had much of a point and it’s a bit all over the place and maybe unclear in some spots but this is how i chose 2 spend a solid hour of my life so here we are...

#` . * ✧ | ooc . headcanon #long post -#this is ... very long #why did i.#type so much. why ?? why did i.#oh right triggers #child abuse -#child neglect -#death ment -#death idealization -#sensitive material -#my catch all ... for ' idfk what else 2 tag this as but i feel like it needs more than that '#anyway this probs doesnt make sense but it's 2:30 in the morning so whatever #canon could smack this out of my hands and tell me im wrong w/ my analysis and i could Ignore It so like #twiddles my thumbs

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cometladyicarus-blog · 8 years ago

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Character Sheet - Dragon Age Marian Hawke

Name: Marian Revka Amell Hawke

Nickname(s): Mari, Sister, Sweetie, Daughter, Varric calls her Hawk

Codename: Hawke, Champion, Boss

Race: Human

Gender: Female

Age: 23 at Lothering's Destruction/Ostagar

Faction: Ferelden; Templar supportive;

Class: Apostate Mage

Weapon(s): Sword and Shield

Armor: Heavy Armor

Place of Birth: Honnleath, Ferelden

Parent(s): Malcolm Hawke (Apostate Mage) (d. 3 years before Act I), Leandra Amell Hawke (Former Noble) (d. Act II)

Sibling(s): Bethany Hawke (sister) (d. Lothering Escape), Carver Hawke (brother)

Spouse/Significant Other: Fenris “Wolfe”

Other Relatives: Uncle Gamlen Amell, Cousin Charity, Cousin Solona Amell, twin children Jayme Cullen Wolfe and Aveline Bethany Wolfe

Magic-Using Relatives: Father, Sister, Several Amell Cousins

Mentor: Father, Ser Berkley

Friends/Allies:

Carver Hawke

Guardswoman/Captain of the Guard Aveline

Guardsmen Donnic

Varric Tethras

Merrill

Fenris

Captain Isabella

Sebastian

Grudgingly, Anders

Knight Captain Cullen Rutherford

Knight Lieutenant Thrask

Knight Templar Kerran

Warden Captain/Knight-Enchanter Solona Amell

Alignment: Neutral Good/Lawful Good, something around there, though the mages would be more inclined to think of her as Lawful Evil because she keeps sending them to the Templars as according to the law.

Warrior/Peacekeeper: She's more inclined to use humor to defuse a situation, but when the potential fight involves something that offends her "Ferelden Peculiarities," she is more likely to be on the Warrior side of the spectrum.

Torture/Healer: She knows some healing spells, but she's not an expert at them, but even without magic she's better than most of her Company back at Ostagar, so was trying to help the makeshift infirmary by providing bandages and health poultices. If blood magic/slave trade/kidnapping is suspected to be a part of the situation, however, Hawke has had years of learning at her father's side all the bones that can be broken in a hand, and knows how to break them. If blood magic is not involved, she does have a scary looking sword she can swing around and terrorize answers out of people if just asking isn't working.

Range/Melee: Melee, sword and shield; (Inq-Era) Range Magic Staff

Rusted Knight/Greenhorn: Ostagar survivor, she went in idealistic and independent, came out of it scrambling to hold on to those she cares about and still has nightmares about. Hawke develops into a more "rusty knight" type of person as people keep coming to her with their problems they wants fixed.

Cynical/Optimist: She believes Kirkwall is a cesspool and a disaster, where no one should ever live. She does believe it is possible for conditions for mages to be improved, but that the common people will always fear magic and likely attack magic out of that fear. But Hawke is also very good at drowning her private thoughts into whatever best suits her situation at the moment. By Act II, Hawke has been "outed" for being a broody drunk in the Hanged Man once most of the group has left by Varric and Isabella.

Appearance: Default markless Hawke preset without makeup– Light grey/blue eyes, dark near-black hair that often looks like she cuts her hair with a dagger herself instead of going to someone else to keep it short, she's a little shorter than Carver who seems to tower over everyone else,

Disability(ies)/Health concerns: None

Scar(s): Various battle injuries have left scars

Tattoo(s): At certain points, she will have smeared the blood on her face into the iconic image of her wearing the mark that went into her "official" image in The Tale of the Champion's portrait of her; The blood mage tattoo was carved into her arm during the fight with Danarius and she hasn't been able to make it go away;

Accent: Ferelden, fades a bit into Kirkwall over the course of the story

Prized Personal Possession(s)*: Malcolm's Staff; (Post Act II) Her mother's note;

Pet Peeves: Her mother's blaming her for Bethany's death despite the apology after getting the will back; People always going to her for help with their problems no matter how small or big; Being reminded about "her" Templar problems; Owing debts (money or otherwise); Varric not having a nickname for her (He does, but it sounds exactly like her name); Being pulled into the Mage-Templar conflict; "Ferelden Peculiarities" as Kirkwallers would call it – slavery, a lack of personal independence to choose who one wants to be, a lacking of dogs, Andraste in the Chantry wearing armor and holding a sword, the political song and dance before getting to the point, overheating instead of always being cold;

Likes: Keeping her family and friends safe and provided for; Magic being treated as a dangerous weapon and helpful tool and then being respected as such; dogs; reading; (Act III) learning languages; dancing in the Hanged Man; Going to the Chantry for lessons on the Chant; exploring the lands outside of Kirkwall; (Inq-Era) Exploring Thedas; the trail of dead slavers between herself and Fenris;

Dislikes: Blood magic; demons and spirits; power abuse; the fact she often actually sympathizes with Gamlen; kids being used as tools; Fereldens being abused by the Kirkwallers who are more wealthy; The stuff elves deal with and how she never quite has enough political pull or power to make the Alienage safer in general; Gamlen's asinine comments; Her mother clearly having favorites among the Hawke siblings; Her mother trying to reclaim lost glory in the name of the Amells; Being alone without someone she feels she can confide to; Being "other" in groups (Ferelden, Apostate, not Templar-hating being the major reasons); Spiders

Vice(s): Approval seeking from Leandra, though she likes approval from people in general; Validation that she's not a "bad person"; Roaring rampages of Revenge once provoked enough; Her desire to keep people she feels responsible for safe; She enjoys tweaking noble people's sensibilities of 'proper';

Natural Abilities: Magic, has little to no trouble learning magic and mastering it; a knack for picking up languages;

Trained Abilities: Sword and shield combat; Using humor to defuse situations; herbalogy;

Understand Language(s): Common; Chasind; (During Acts I and II) A smattering of Qunlat; (During Acts II and III) Learns Tevinter;

Communicable Language(s): Common; Chasind; (As of Act II) Some Tevinter; (As of Act III) Tevinter fluently

Signature Outfit: She is famous for her Champion of Kirkwall bronze segmented armor she was given after being declared Champion; In reality, she was seen, before and after becoming Champion, most often wearing medium or heavy plate armor that was less fancy until she needed her Champion gear.

Formal Attire: Champion of Kirkwall armor; As Scion of the Amell family, she wears a set of nice robes with the Amell crest, or a custom dress made to slightly resemble a hawk in pattern and some feathers to be worn in her hair

Fallen Attire: She'd be drenched in the blood of her enemies she had used in combat against them; or wearing ornate and incredibly fancy clothes [Not sure really, I mean, Hawke isn’t a Warden and wouldn’t become Tainted, and it wouldn’t be in her to become a bloodmage either, so “Fallen” is sort of a placeholder term for “if goes evil or something”]

Lazy Attire: A tunic and breeches with leather boots

Catchphrase(s)/Famous Quotes: "Hawke this, Hawke that. Why does everyone come to me?"; "Hey! I tried to fix it, they just broke it!"; "Woah, is killing them the right choice right away?"; "WHERE DID THAT BLOOD MAGE GO?"; "Eh, he deserved to die."; "It wasn't my fault!"; "I have a role. I defend Kirkwall."; "Seriously?"; [In response to something crazy] "Oh. That sounds like every day to me."; "You do realize that if they send me, things are going to bad, right?"; "I really don't have time for this."

War Cry: "For Ferelden!"; "GET OUT OF MY KIRKWALL!" "And here they come again."

Nightmare(s): Failing to save Bethany; Failing to save her mother; failing to save Carver; failing to save her friends and others who depend on her; Templars discovering she's a mage; being made Tranquil; Never regaining her mother's approval after Bethany died; The blood mage tattoo activating and turning her into a blood mage regardless of her wishes; Blood magic; The Battle of Ostagar; Her name being used in the rallying cry of mages breaking Circles everywhere; Her role in the Mage-Templar Role; The Dead blaming her; Blighted Spiders that were the first wave of Darkspawn invading Lothering and killing those who were last to flee;

Hope/Goal(s): Not being responsible for a constantly growing number of people;

Secret(s): She doesn't realize that she places too much responsibility onto herself and she's enabled her mother into essentially holding her down into a live she's miserable in out of "duty"; She wishes she could just give everything up and turn herself over to the Templars to join a Circle; She hated the idea of being noble; Her feeling about always putting on a show of being "responsible," "kind," "respectable," and "dutiful"; She hates being the Champion of Kirkwall when it seems like the Viscount doesn't actually do much of his job by handing most of the stuff onto her; She has a weakness towards being called “pretty” and “beautiful” by people whose opinion she values, but has a hard time believing it because she’s used to people calling her sister and mother beautiful and her just “strong” or something, so when Fenris first calls her that, she freezes and flees from him;

*Story behind this/these:

Malcolm's Staff – When Hawke refused to use her magic after burning a neighbor's barn down, Bethany inherited their father's staff and used it while the Hawkes escaped Lothering. When Bethany died, Hawke carried the staff with her anyway and only used one spell after Beth's death before going to Kirkwall to disguise the staff as a walking stick for Leandra. When they arrived in Kirkwall, the staff was stashed out of Gamlen's potential reach while in his home, and then placed above the mantel in the Amell Estate with the spell removed. Everyone knows the staff is there, everyone knows Leandra married an apostate and that Templar Hawke and Serrah Hawke are the children on an apostate, but neither have touched the staff except while moving it to one residence to another. When Hawke flees Kirkwall, she takes the staff with her. She uses it during her time with the Inquisition

Leandra's note – When Hawke lost her mother to blood magic, Hawke had felt she had failed another in her family – Bethany who died, Carver who left to join the Templars because he felt he didn't have a place, their father who had died years before, and now their mother who had also died. Hawke also had a less-than-positive relationship with Leandra because of the Bethany Death Guilt Card that had been used often enough for Leandra to keep some semblance of control over her own fate – as she likely thought of it – and then Hawke's general failure to assimilate into Kirkwall noble life. Overall, Hawke had felt that she was Leandra's greatest failure since Bethany was the ideal daughter despite being a mage, and Leandra was closer to Carver as a non-mage. This letter was in an envelope filled with similar letters. Hawke keeps the letters in a pocket of her belt or robes, and flees Kirkwall with them.

#Character sheet #Dragon Age #DA2 #Marian Hawke

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