#as anything) and also my dis/ability has changed. cognitively I'm a lot better just in general because I'm better medicated. physically idk

[georgia-stanway]

I am completely overreacting I think the main problem is that it is more common for me to do a drill without getting feedback and so I can only self assess so much and I get like there's so many people you can only do so much but everybody seems to get at least something and I don't known if they're scared to correct me because they don't know how much is my cfs/me and I cry super duper easily like the moment I get frustrated so I come across as really emotionally delicate (which fair but I can handle constructive criticism FFS) or of they just don't notice me or what but I can't improve if I don't get feedback and if I'm not allowed to stretch myself sometimes

I think it also doesn't help that if I do do stamina (which I confess I am often conveniently half an hour late which means I miss it.) i have to go in with the beginners because I'm really slow and I can't do as much because you know I have chronic fatigue syndrome. So I'm already positioned in this weird in between space

Synchro is pissing me off

[ganymedesclock]

Your meta is singlehandedly responsible for all my opinions and characterization of Shiro tbh and I kinda just realized something. Tell me if I'm wrong but I get the feeling what you're trying to say about after-s2 Shiro is just: This is Shiro, except now all his stressors are Worse.

I mean, Shiro’s not the same person he was in the first two seasons just as much as none of the other paladins are the same person they were in the first two seasons, but, I definitely think Shiro since then has built on what was established as his essential character that’s growing and changing.

Part of it is he’s under a lot more pressure. Part of it is, when Shiro first came to the position in s1 he basically took all of his trauma and survivalism and tried to stuff it back into the mold of the Garrison’s Golden Boy. And ironically, I think it’s s1 Shiro who’s a lot more callous- look through the early episodes and see how many times Shiro interrupts, corrects, shoves or silences Lance in particular.

He’s determined to make a good impression early on, and, frankly, Shiro’s first impression of Lance is not favorable- he seems to regard him as just fooling around when the paladins need to be serious, they need to commit to this. 

He’s also the one to chew out Keith for demanding Pidge can’t leave and was about to make, frankly, a very bad decision by letting Pidge wander off alone into the universe without even questioning how even a very resourceful and clever fifteen year old intends to survive in a hostile spacefaring empire they know almost nothing about. And it’s pretty clear, I think, rather than fair judgment, Shiro’s letting his personal sense of guilt, believing he failed the Holts, rule in this context. 

Yes, people shouldn’t be shackled to paladin duty, but given Pidge’s custom jet booster had a good chance of making the pod explode (and by good, seemingly as high as 50% since it was used twice and the second time it detonated) on top of everything else, it’s clear if she’d gone off alone the way she meant to, she would have died.

Shiro in s1 is trying to be a perfect leader for everyone and frankly, who he’s become since then is better. It stands that he’s come a long way that Hunk, Lance, and Shiro himself all agree it’s unlike him to snap at people and bark orders.

At a glance, Shiro might seem as if he’s doing worse, but to me, I think it’s an incredibly heartening sign that Shiro’s character development appears to be an exercise in learning to ask for help.

Because while Shiro’s not a tyrant of a leader the way Zarkon leaned alarmingly close to in s3e7 on multiple occasions- it stands that Shiro, too, especially early on, suffered from that disconnect. He kept his own problems incredibly close to his chest. It’s obvious that he desperately latched onto being Black Paladin as a way to cope- as a way to redefine himself by something other than what had just happened to him.

Shiro in s1 is a tight-coiled spring. He’s uptight, he argues with Lance over the littlest things, in s1e1 on two separate occasions he breaks up arguments just by yelling for them to stop or “Stow it, cadets!”

Shiro’s growth as a character involves climbing off the pedestal he was sitting on at the beginning of the show. And he’s not the only one who was enforcing it, either- Lance flat-out says Shiro was his personal hero. 

In the comics, Pidge can’t conceive the idea of defeating Shiro at all even though he’s really not that much a better fighter than the other paladins- before she gets her head in gear and is able to knock him out, she just reflexively looks to him as an invincible paragon which is a pretty big cognitive slip in an issue all about Pidge’s ability to gather and keep data.

In s3e1, none of the team can really see themselves conceptualizing Shiro and a lot of their overtures seem to suggest, more than none of them are suited to the Black Lion like Shiro is (fair!) that... not a lot of them really understand what Shiro was doing. Even Keith, the closest to Shiro, leads as a Red Paladin. He says he can’t do this like Shiro can but he never seems to clarify what that entails.

What I personally think began in earnest in s3, though there were small things building towards it all along, is the systematic demystification of Shiro as the perfect leader, as the team’s paragon.

There’s kind of a point that, as Zarkon’s specific counterpart, enemy, and successor, Shiro is going to be called upon to succeed where Zarkon failed.

And Zarkon’s failure, what led to his death and downfall as a paladin, was twofold: he failed to listen to his team when they had valid points, and he kept all of his personal suffering privately away from them.

Zarkon gambles everything to rescue Honerva in s3e7, and it goes disastrously because he lies to his team the entire way leaving them completely unprepared- so when he ends up outside of his Lion and faced with a devastatingly powerful opponent, he’s surrounded and killed while the rest of the team is not in a position to do anything to help him.

Shiro in s1e11 leads the team in an equally desperate gamble to rescue Allura, and it works out. It works out because Shiro has the team’s consent beforehand, and even people who disagree (Keith) still consent to go. So when Shiro ends up outside his Lion and faced with a devastatingly powerful opponent on two fronts, it’s not his personal skill as a fighter that keeps him alive.

It’s Keith going toe to toe with Zarkon to buy Shiro time to get back to the Black Lion.

It’s Lance, Pidge, and Coran holding off the majority of the empire’s forces.

It’s Hunk smashing in to break Allura out, and it’s her and him together that come to save Shiro’s bacon from Haggar who had already seriously injured him and could easily have killed him in that moment.

It’s pretty obvious that Shiro being honest and transparent with his team is what’s keeping him from getting killed. They’re his saving grace, time and time again, Keith especially- which is a big deal, when Keith is Alfor’s successor, and while Zarkon broke with the entire team, it was his refusal to listen to Alfor that was the nail in his coffin.

And in s5e3 and s5e6, what’s steadily moving into position to save his bacon from Kuron? It’s not just Lance being the team’s interpersonal Heart as usual- but rather, that Shiro is finally, decisively, opening up and connecting to the person he’s been at odds with from the start. 

And while a lot of people take that as a “boo hoo, poor Lance”... it’s really more to Shiro’s detriment than Lance’s. After Shiro and Lance argue, Lance is the one who has multiple people verbally taking his side (Hunk, twice, and Allura personally talking to him about it with her concerns, and Shiro himself apologizing)- while Shiro clearly is falling back on bad habits and withdrawing from the team about his issues.

Because Shiro, in a very catlike manner, starts avoiding people when he’s feeling awful. Which is why I think it’s such an unsung glorious moment when in s5e6, when Lance hasn’t even brought it up again or prompted it- Shiro is the one to bring it up and basically tell Lance to keep looking into this because something’s really wrong.

S5e6 is a glorious day for Shiro’s character because, some time before the car has set on fire, Shiro’s actually rolling down the window and telling someone “hey, the door’s locked and I don’t know where this thing is going, and this is kind of a problem. Can you... get help, please, I’m terrified”

So in that sense, much as I purport to be take it or leave it about clone theory, that’s why I really hope this is the original Shiro at hand... because everything he’s learning here is incredibly good and important for his long term emotional health and I’m pretty sure what we’re gonna get out of Kuron is a strong positive emotional arc for Shiro and Lance. 

Shiro’s moving away from being the team’s perfect leader, but that’s nothing to mourn, because instead of a perfect leader he’s becoming an honest, emotionally healthy person who knows he can actually trust his team. And my multiple posts talking about how Shiro really wasn’t that perfect once you take the rose-tinted glasses off isn’t dunking on him or calling him lame-

it’s pointing out that he really wasn’t doing anybody a favor by pretending to be ideal leader. In s1e9 he had a full-tilt panic attack and immediately jumped into realizing Allura was still in danger and they had to act fast to prevent them all from being destroyed- which is fine, except the part where... he didn’t unpack or process any of that afterwards.

Sendak dug up a huge volume of Shiro’s insecurities, trauma, and frankly fear of himself, of the idea of being irreconcilably changed by what the empire did to him. This is a big problem. The implication is on some level Shiro is genuinely not comfortable in his own skin and that... wasn’t the only allusion to it. 

S4e4 is basically a whole exercise in the paladins and how they relate to image (and how they really don’t) and with Shiro, the main thing Worm!Coran focuses on is Shiro’s body.

Shiro’s body, that, seemingly, he prefers to keep covered as much as possible given even though he prefers pretty close-fitting attire, he’s also pretty consistently one of the most modestly dressed of the paladins. That, as mentioned, Sendak was able to maliciously play on the fact that Shiro has some lingering anxieties of what was done to it, and that pervades his flashbacks and reactions to his missing year- the repeated implications of medical torture emphasized less by pain (sedatives are frequently shown) and more that things were done to him, that he doesn’t know the extent of, and he was powerless to stop.

And Shiro- perfectionist, anxious about how people see him (s1e6 for example), with these very serious insecurities about bodily autonomy and the aftermath that he’s been living with...

(he has a large facial scar, lost color in part of his hair, and is missing an arm, to say nothing of any other scars he might have that we as an audience haven’t seen, and, personally, his body type to me suggests that he lost weight in prison and his super-defined musculature is less about athletics and more a lack of proper subcutaneous fat)

...has Worm Coran repeatedly telling him to show off his body. The relatively innocuous (before Coran gets brain-wormed) start of it all even has the script make a joke about how Shiro only has one hand, that he gives a “really?” aside look at.

I can’t help but feel like the implication there, when all of the other prompts poke at existing insecurities- 

Allura feeling like she’s just an ineffective replacement for the person no longer with the team when she was one of the loudest unhappy voices about him drifting away, Hunk being relegated to his gastrointestinal problems and his genuine quick wit and keen sense of humor ignored, Pidge being ignored because “nobody cares what you’re saying anyway!”, and Lance the actor basically spending the entire time indulging the fake, flashy casanova persona he uses to cover all of his own insecurities

-that there’s something significant that, again, all of s4e4 for Shiro is talking about his body, especially his muscles, which is seemingly another change after the missing year- he doesn’t seem nearly that built in the Garrison pictures, though it could be that he’s just wearing more modest clothing, it’s still very suspicious especially when Haggar’s endeavor was to turn Shiro into her personal fighting machine.

Shiro’s got a huge amount of things that have been quietly eating him from the start, and the good news is, they’re actually starting to bubble to the surface- he’s actually breaking down and talking about them with less and less impetus, which is important, because back in s2e7, Shiro made it clear that his connection with Black, that any ideal connection, needs to be rooted in trust. And while he’s heavily spun that as, he needs to be trustworthy to others...

If Shiro never talks to the team about his problems, no matter how he might spin that as not wanting to burden them or that he’s able to deal with it on his own, he’s not trusting them.

And again, that Lance is seemingly the catalyst for this is amazing to me, because Lance?

Lance is the trust guy. Lance is the feelings guy. Lance is the uncrowned king of literally every thing Shiro has been struggling with the absence of here.

Lance is both the guy who genuinely gets in Shiro’s face when he feels like Shiro isn’t listening to him, but he’s also the guy talking about how Keith needs to trust the Black Lion because Black wouldn’t ask him to do this for no reason (when Black is Shiro’s Lion, and Keith draws many obvious explicit parallels between Shiro’s requesting him to fly Black and Black taking Keith as their replacement paladin).

Lance is the one who tells Allura that Shiro is ultimately not their enemy, that they’re on the same side, and who’s vindicated when Shiro is now clearly working with Lance against Haggar, telling him that something’s wrong and that he doesn’t feel right, hasn’t felt right for a while, which is the last thing Haggar wants Shiro to do.

Lance trusts Shiro, but not blindly. He’s compassionate, but not to the point of self-neglect. He is exactly the head that Shiro needs on his team right now. And that experience is gonna mean a hell of a lot to Lance, as well.