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lostinreality014 · 7 years ago

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Author’s Notes: In my mind, this piece is a chapter to story that I may not ever write. While this piece is purely fan fiction, it is quite personal and very close to my heart. There are aspects of this piece that I have experienced in my own life which, in some ways made it very easy for me to write. But it was also terrifying to write because of the anxiety I feel putting a fairly big piece of myself out there. I truly and honestly don’t know if I’ll ever develop a full story for this. I have lots of ideas, but they’re not ideas that can be formulated into a story at the moment. Hopefully one day I will write it. But until then... I wanted share this part of it with you.

Also note: This piece is also posted on my WATTPAD account

I have to say a massive, massive thank you to @wdmsusie for being my beta to this piece, for all of her invaluable input, and for assuring me my writing doesn’t completely suck.

Emerson was sitting on the sofa with the TV tuned in to reruns of Will and Grace to keep her company until Niall returned home. She had left his single release party around 10, and to say she was not in a good mood would be an understatement. Since her knee injury a few weeks ago, it had been a struggle both mentally and physically on a daily basis. Even though she was thrilled for Niall and so proud of him for everything he was accomplishing so far as a solo artist, she found it incredibly hard to not be in a constant state of jealousy. And while things had been rough between them the last two or three months, and especially since her surgery, she had been determined to put their issues and her own struggles aside so as not to take away from his special day.

The reruns of her favorite show, also turned on as a means of distraction, were doing a poor job of keeping the memories from the day she learned her career was over from playing on a loop in her head. She supposed that's what she got for knowing the episodes so well. Initially the doctors had thought her injury wasn't as serious as it was. Her MRI results showed otherwise. They showed a complete tear of her ACL rather than a minor tear as was originally thought. The moment the doctors explained the full extent of her injury and the surgery she would need, she knew her dance career was over. Thankfully, Niall had been able to reschedule the couple of meetings he'd had the day she got the news of her MRI results so he could be there with her. While she didn't handle the news well at all, she knew she wouldn't have handled it as well as she did if Niall hadn't been there with her.

Dance was who Emerson was. Her dad had enrolled her in ballet lessons for her fifth birthday and she'd fallen in love immediately. And one of the things she had struggled with the most since her surgery was knowing the one thing that made her feel like she had a purpose in the world and made her feel like she belonged somewhere, she no longer had. Dance had been her outlet; her way of conveying her thoughts and feelings. When words failed her, dance was there. Being a professional ballet dancer didn't pay as well as other jobs would have, and it certainly didn't pay anywhere near the kind of money Niall brought in with his career, but she'd been happy. And she'd been able to support herself and also send some extra money back to her dad in Toronto long before her and Niall had started dating and he'd asked her to move in with him.

What hurt as much as losing her career was knowing her dad had lost just as much. He was her biggest fan and supporter. And even though he hadn't been able to fly to London to visit her very often, anytime she called to tell him she'd been cast in a lead role, or a role that meant a lot to her, he found a way be in the audience on her opening night. He'd sacrificed so much for her, so much more than any single parent should have had to. There had been many times when they didn't have enough money to pay the bills and the only thing they had to eat was cereal and peanut butter sandwiches. But his little girl was his world, and his only concern was that she was happy.

Emerson's dad had done everything he could to make sure she got the training and education she needed to make her dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer a reality. And when she nearly turned down the offer to study at the Royal Ballet School in London on full scholarship following her performance at the Youth America Grand Prix competition, her dad refused to let her. Aside from losing his wife and mother of his only child, leaving Emerson in London after she was settled in was the hardest thing he'd ever done. But he wasn't going to let her pass up the opportunity of a lifetime. When Emerson saw the tears of pure joy on her dad's face the day she graduated from Royal Ballet School and was offered a place in The Royal Ballet as a Soloist, she knew all the time spent apart and all the sacrifices he'd made had been worth it. And her dad had felt the exact same.

The commotion going on in the current episode snapped Emerson out of the place she'd gone to in her head. And when she got her bearings back and realized she was at home instead of Niall's release party, all of the frustration she'd felt earlier came flooding back because things had gone smoothly for the most part all day... until they weren't once at the party. There'd been plenty to do before having to get ready and then head to the venue so it'd been easy to keep herself distracted. But after being left alone for nearly an hour while Niall schmoozed it up with his friends and various industry people, she'd decided it was time to head home. She'd been to plenty of these events for the Royal Ballet before her injury, so she was well aware that people would be after Niall's attention all night. But she had hoped Niall would at least be nearby and include her in the conversations and celebration of his second single release as a solo artist.

The cab ride back home was spent dealing with the war going on inside of her head. She'd called Sadie and by the time the cab pulled into the drive, coming to a stop at the gate, Emerson had a plan. She was going to pack as much as she could in her two travel cases and wait for Niall to return home. Her mind was seventy-five percent made up about going back to Toronto to be with her dad for a few weeks while she started her knee rehabilitation, figuring out how to start over, and what she would do next. That other twenty-five percent wanted to stay in London. She knew her decision to stay or go to Toronto would largely depend on how the impending conversation with Niall went.

It was nearly midnight before she heard the front door open and close, signaling Niall was finally home. Emerson didn't bother getting up to greet him (not that she could have done that easily with her knee at the moment), nor did she acknowledge he was home until he had spoken to her first.

"Have you been here the whole time?" Niall asked, his tone tense and annoyed. Emerson held her gaze on the TV for a few seconds more before finally acknowledging him, sending visual daggers in his direction.

"Took you this long to notice I'd left?" she asked coldly.

"Noticed it when I came back with our drinks. Spent the last two hours tryin to find ya instead of enjoyin the evenin with ya."

"Enjoying it with me?" She laughed sarcastically. "You deserted me when you went to get our drinks."

"I wasn't gone that long," he huffed. Emerson raised an eyebrow at him.

"I was alone for nearly an hour before I decided to leave. I know we have no intention of making our relationship public knowledge to the whole world anytime soon, but enough people within your circle know we're together. And it's beyond humiliating to be at a table by myself with everyone throwing sideways glances at me and having to cover for you and say that you just stepped away to get us drinks when that wasn't the reality of the situation."

"I tried to get back to ya. I kept getting stopped every time I turned around because someone wanted to say hello or introduce me to someone."

"Yeah... I know how these parties work. I've been to a few of them myself. You are allowed to tell people that you'd be happy to meet someone or say hello, but you just need to step out for a moment and you'll be right back."

"Cause that's not rude when someone wants to introduce you to one of the top executives in the industry."

"But it's not rude to leave your girlfriend alone for nearly an hour?" she asked, her voice slightly higher than normal. "I'm sure whoever wanted to meet you would have understood. Record execs attend these parties all the time so I don't think they would have been offended that you needed to step out for a moment. And I don't think they would have been upset either if it took you a few minutes to get to them because other people want your attention." He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "Clearly it didn't occur to you to ask them, or others, to meet you at the table where you left me so I could have been included in some part of your evening."

"Not like you would have been there when I got back since you up and left and didn't even bother to tell me you were leaving." He snapped, his eyes flashing angrily at her.

Emerson watched him close his eyes as he made himself take a deep breath to keep his emotions in check. Arguing was something that Niall and Emerson didn't do very often. In fact, the number blow out arguments they'd had in the time that they'd known each other could be counted on one hand. Every time they had one of those arguments, they made it a point to remind themselves of their promise to communicate and be open with each other so they could hopefully avoid anything more than a heated conversation. And as much as they didn't want to get into another full blown argument tonight, they were both finding it increasingly difficult to keep their cool.

"I tried to tell you I was leaving. I called you and texted you. Multiple times. I never got a response."

"I left me phone in the car and didn't realize it. You could have tried to find me."

"You're really suggesting that to me right now? Especially when you know I haven't been cleared to put weight on my leg for more than ten or fifteen minutes at a time? Hell I have a hard time getting around on these crutches as it is. And this damn contraption on my knee doesn't make it any easier."

"What the hell is with you lately?"

"What's with me?" Emerson laughed humorlessly. "Of course you haven't noticed. You've been too wrapped up in your own little world to notice or care for that matter."

"Notice what? That you've been clingy and needy as hell? And too busy acting like a jealous brat?" The moment he said it, he wanted to take it all back. He hadn't meant to lash out at her like that and he certainly hadn't meant to say those things. But this was a rare moment when his filter failed him and his temper got the better of him.

"That's low. Even for you," Emerson said softly, her voice trembling now. She'd done well with keeping the tears at bay, but that stung. A lot. His words had hit her with as much force as if she'd been physically punched in the stomach.

"Emmy..."

"Don't." she snapped. "Don't try to take it back. Clearly you meant it." She sniffled as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"No, I didn't." he said adamantly. "I didn't mean it."

"If you didn't mean it, you wouldn't have been thinking it in the first place. And for you to say it so easily, it's clear that you have been thinking it for a while." He opened his mouth to respond, but he had nothing. He had nothing because she was right. He hated that she was. Well she was right that the thought had been running through his mind lately. But he truly hadn't meant it. And knowing Emerson as well as he did, he knew trying to defend himself or apologize in this moment wouldn't help matters. It would just dig him in deeper.

"Since it seems you've forgot again," Emerson sneered, "I'm not physically capable of doing some things I normally can do on my own at the moment. I didn't realize asking for help or needing help doing some things made me clingy. I'm so sorry I'm such an inconvenience to you."

"You're not an inconvenience!" Niall exclaimed in exasperation.

"You sure have an odd way of showing it." She seethed. "I would have thought you'd be more understanding and sympathetic since you were in my position a few years ago." Emerson paused for a moment to take a breath. "I get how frustrating it is to be interrupted, especially when you're on a roll. But I've tried really hard to be considerate of you and the work you've been trying to get done. When you're home, I only ask you for help when I think you've reached a stopping point, or when you're not in the middle of keeping up with some golf tournament. Every time you complain when I ask for help, it makes me feel like I'm a burden to you."

"You're not a burden, Emmy! You're still recovering from major surgery. Of course you're going to need some help until you heal."

"Then don't act like it's the end of the fucking world when I ask for help. Surely you haven't forgot what it was like in the weeks after your knee surgery. If I'm not a burden or an inconvenience, the least you could do is help me out without all the moaning and groaning. I already feel guilty enough that I have to rely on you more than normal when you're busy working." Niall started to say something, but promptly shut his mouth. Again, Emerson had a point. And since he'd already shoved his foot in his mouth with his earlier comments about her being clingy and jealous, he knew it best to not say anything else for the moment.

"And that whole jealousy thing," Emerson said, her voice bitter. "You're right. I am jealous. But not for the reasons you think I am."

"I'm not following."

"Your knee surgery didn't end your career. Mine did. Do the math."

"Now who's acting like the world ended."

"Fuck you!" Emerson spat. "I can't believe you have the audacity to say that to me."

"There is more than one career out there. You can have any career you want."

"Are you serious right now?" she exclaimed. "I cannot believe those words just came out of your mouth. Of course there is more than one career out there. And maybe I could have any one of them. But they're not the careers I want, Niall. They're not the careers I poured my heart and soul into for years and spent hours training and practicing for. Do you really think that little of my career and my dreams?"

"Of course not!" He exclaimed. "Anyone who watched ya on stage or listened to ya talk about dancing could see how much ya love it. Anyone could see that's what ya were meant to do. Meself included."

"Really?! Because if you believe that, if you really knew how much I loved ballet like you claim you do, you wouldn't be brushing any of what I'm going through off as me overreacting and being jealous. If you really believe that I was meant to be a ballet dancer, you wouldn't be saying the shit you just did, and you would have noticed how much I'm struggling to cope with having my career taken away from me on top of trying to recover from my surgery."

"How would I know when you never talk to me anymore?!" He cried. Emerson laughed in disbelief.

"Don't you dare," her voice was so low is sounded like a growl, "Don't you dare pin this on me. Especially when you were calling me clingy not even two minutes ago. You sat on this couch with me and held me while I cried the day I was told my career was over and promised me that you'd be here for me. You promised me that you'd help me get through this and help me figure out how to start over. You have yet to follow through on either of those promises. And every time I try to talk to you when it seems like you show the slightest bit of interest in how I'm doing, or when I'm really struggling to cope with everything, I get interrupted by someone who needs you to be somewhere two days ago. And then I'm left in the dust wondering when I stopped being a priority in your life. When we stopped being a priority."

"How can you say that? You know you're a top priority to me." Emerson laughed again, but it was empty and hollow sounding.

"Do I know that? Because you haven't given me any reason in the last several weeks to believe I am. Or that we are."

"This is me life, Emmy. This is me job. I thought you knew what you were signing up for when we decided being friends wasn't enough for either of us."

"I'm well aware of what I signed up for." she snapped. "God you really can be an ass when you want to be. No..." she said firmly when he went to say something. "No. You've wanted me to talk to you, so I'm going to. And you're going to listen." He snapped his mouth shut.

"While my job may not have been as demanding as yours in some ways, I get that there are times when you have to drop everything on a moment's notice to take care of something. But for the most part, your career won't stop or end because you don't take care of something right this second. If I really am a priority in your life, you wouldn't put your work before your girlfriend every fucking time the phone rings. You would make it a point to tell whoever calls that unless it's an absolute emergency, you have something else that needs your attention at the moment and you'll be there as soon as you can. There'd be a balance between work and personal life, which we were doing pretty good at until I got injured. If I am a priority, you would have noticed how much I've been struggling since my surgery. And not just physically." Emerson carefully stood up and steadied herself, wincing slightly at the sharp pain that shot through her knee, before looking back up at him and carefully side stepping her way around the coffee table.

"But I see now that asking for help and asking to be a priority in your life that's at the very minimum, an equal priority to your job is asking too much of you."

"Where ya goin?" she could hear the confusion mixed with panic in his voice as she made her way toward the stairs and she hated that she was about to walk out on him. Whether that was for good or temporary, she didn't know yet.

"Back to Toronto to spend time with my dad for a while. I need to figure things out. And at least he'll be there to help me through all this since you're too busy being the mega pop star that you are." She knew that was a low blow coming from her, but she'd never held his career or music against him for the long stretches of time they spent apart from each other until this moment. And as selfish as it was, she didn't want her or their relationship to be low on the priority list anymore.

"That's not fair."

"And the way you treated me tonight is?! Or the way you've been treating me for the last few weeks since I've been cleared to do more than move from our bed to our couch and back again?" Emerson nearly yelled as she reached the top of the stairs.

"So you're just gonna leave?" He asked angrily, his voice slightly higher than usual.

"What reason do I have to stay?" she bit back, wishing she could storm down the hall like she wanted to.

"What reason?" Niall spluttered. "What about me? What about us?!" he exclaimed, the panic in his voice was evident.

Emerson was well aware of his fear of being without her. She was just as scared of being without him as well. They weren't dependent on each other to the point where they couldn't function on their own without the other being near, but they depended on each other a lot because their careers were similar in many ways. They were both the constant in each other's lives. The constant that kept them grounded when things started to get too overwhelming. But it was clear to her now that she couldn't stay. Not when the one person she really needed to help her navigate through the rough waters she's facing couldn't be bothered to be there for her. She knew deep in her heart that she needed to get away and clear her head for a little bit so she could figure out what she wanted to do next.

"It doesn't feel like there's much of an us anymore." she said as she hobbled into their bedroom.

Emerson's voice breaking and seeing her suitcases on their bed caused Niall to stop dead in the doorway of their bedroom. He'd honestly thought Emerson saying she was going back to Toronto was being said out of frustration and anger, which she had every right to be when he thought about it. He didn't think she'd actually leave and back down from the challenge of figuring out what to do next. It wasn't something Emerson did. If someone told her she couldn't do something, she'd find all the ways she could to prove them wrong. As he watched her slowly make her way across the room, he realized she was right that he hadn't given her any reason to stay. He hadn't followed through on his promises to her to be there for her and help her through this transition in her life.

"I love you, Niall. I truly am happy that things are going so well for you, and I'm so proud of you even if doesn't seem like I am. But it hurts to see you spend every day doing something you love and seeing your career as a solo artist take off. Part of your life was my life a few shorts weeks ago. And I don't want to look at you and feel that way because you deserve every good thing that is about to come your way. You worked so hard as part of the group, and you're working hard now to prove that you can be just as successful on your own. This knee injury and not being able to live out my dream anymore is unfortunate and something neither of us could control. If I stay, I'll end up resenting you more than I already do. And I don't want to resent you for living out your dreams and doing something you love. That's not fair to you." She paused and turned to take her suitcases off the bed and set them on the floor.

Niall debated whether or not to go over and help, not that he wanted to because he didn't want to her to leave but he also didn't want her to risk hurting her knee. But that nagging feeling in his stomach told him to stay put.

"You've watched what losing my career as done to me over the last few weeks. But you still don't see how much its affected me. And I'm starting to wonder if you ever will."

When she looked up and her eyes met his, Niall felt his heart flutter in his chest, and not in a good way. The pain in her eyes was like a flashing neon sign. In that moment, Niall was forced to admit to himself that he had no idea what Emerson was going through. He had no idea what it was like to have a career you loved suddenly taken away from you without any say in it. All those moments when someone called him and said they needed him to be somewhere for something and he went instead of staying with Emerson were now flashing through his mind at a rapid pace. He felt like a complete ass for putting his music first when he should have been putting her first. And he felt even worse for accusing her of being clingy when she was very clearly asking for his help.

"It would be so much easier to stay and figure out what's next if I had decided it was time to move on to the next chapter of my life. But it wasn't my decision. I was forced to retire because of this injury."

"I don't want you to leave." he said softly, debating whether or not it was safe to approach her. "You've never backed down from any challenge, no matter how tough it is. Anytime someone said you couldn't do something, you always proved them wrong. You going back to Toronto feels like you're running away."

"So I'm supposed to stay and try and figure out how to start my life over when being here is a constant reminder of everything that I had? I'm supposed to stay and figure out how to start over while watching you perform every night wishing it was me on stage? How is that fair to me? How is that going to help me move on?" He shrugged because he didn't know what to say, much less have an answer. And because the thought of her leaving in any capacity terrified him.

"If I asked you to stay and at least give it a try, would you?" his voice was so soft, but the fear in his tone was crystal clear.

"No," Emerson's voice was gentle, but sad. "Everything that's happened over the last couple of months, what's happened tonight, and since you got home especially, has shown me what I've been avoiding for a while now. I need to go back and be with my dad for a bit. I need to figure out how to start over and I can't do that in the city that held and still holds all my dreams. And I really need someone that can be my support system and be there for every step of my recovery and starting over."

"I know I've done a shit job of it lately. And you're right that I haven't given you much of a reason to stay. But I can be that person, Em. I can. Let me prove it."

"I know you can because you have been before. But I don't think you can this time. I have to accept that and so do you."

"No. We don't have to accept that."

"Yes. We do." Her voice was still gentle, but it was firm. "Be honest with yourself. Do you really think you'll be able to be there for me the way I'll need you to be, when you're about to go off on a massive promo tour for your new single?" His shoulders slumped in defeat. He knew she was right.

Niall knew in the pit of his stomach he wouldn't be able to be the support system she needed when he was in a different city every two days with all of his focus on promoting the new single. And for a split second, even though he knew it was completely unrealistic and would be nearly impossible for her as far as her rehab would go, he considered asking her to come with him on his promo tour.

"So where does that leave us?" he asked, slowly making his way toward her. "Does this mean we're over? Because I don't want us to be over." Emerson shrugged and tried to bite back the sob that was bubbling up in her throat when he took her hands and rubbed gentle circles to the backs of them with his thumbs.

"I don't want us to be over either," she hiccuped. She truly didn't want that. But she knew if they wanted their relationship to last, they couldn't keep going on like this. "But my head is all over the place and I can't think clearly. I just know that I need to get out of London for a while. And I think we could use some space ourselves. You just dropped another single, and you need to focus on that and whatever it is you need to do to finish the album so it can be released when you want it to be. I need to focus on the next phase of my rehab and taking care of me, both physically and mentally. Me staying isn't going to do either of us any good. Me staying will hold you back."

"You won't hold me back." He argued.

"I already am. We're both holding each other back as it is. This constant bickering that we've been doing, and taking out our frustrations on each other, it's not good for either of us. This isn't healthy. Maybe if we'd both paid a little bit more attention and communicated better like we promised ourselves after our last blow out argument, we could have avoided this whole situation." Emerson could see the wheels turning in his head and kept quiet, giving him the time to process his thoughts.

"I know it's too late for me to realize how much I've fucked up." Niall spoke softly after a minute or two. "And I'll do whatever it is I have to, to make it up to ya. I really don't want us to be over." The tears Emerson had been holding back spilled down her cheeks when his voice broke.

"I don't know if we need space or if we need to close ourselves off from everything and everyone for a couple of days and just talk and focus on us. But it seems like your mind is already made up. And if ya want to go back to be with your dad for a bit, if that's what ya think ya need, I won't stop ya." Emerson bit her lip when he gave her hands a gentle squeeze. She could see that as painful as it would be to let her go for a bit, he didn't want to force her into anything she didn't want to do.

"And you're right. I haven't been treatin ya the way you should be and deserve to be. I'm gonna kick meself in the ass for a long time about it. But I wanna to do whatever I can to help you because I love you and because you're the most important person in me life."

The small sob Emerson had held back a few minutes ago forced its way out of her throat against her will. And whether she wanted it or not, Niall wrapped her up in his arms and held her tightly, knowing this was going to be the last time for a while that he'd get to hold her and comfort her. He almost let out a sigh of relief when he felt her arms wrap around his waist, her hands fisting his shirt tightly. To him that was a positive sign. It was a sign that she still wanted him to be the person she turned to when things got tough. But it also made his heart squeeze uncomfortably in his chest because he could feel how much she'd missed being able to turn to him for comfort and reassurance when she'd needed it, and him, the most.

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for ya like I promised I would be. I'm sorry I failed ya." he whispered against her ear, tears burning at the backs of his eyes as he loosened his hold and took a small step back from her, keeping his arms around her waist. He wasn't going to let go until she made that move. When Emerson finally looked up at him, he could have sworn he felt his heart crack inside his chest. And he hated himself even more for being a reason for the pain she was feeling.

"I'm sorry too." she whispered, hiccuping softly.

"I know I don't have the right to ask, but please don't leave. Let me hold you tonight and be there for ya like I should have been. Ya can talk to me if ya want, or not. Just give me one more night." he pleaded softly.

"You won't try to convince me to stay?" Niall took a shuddering breath, a tear rolling down his cheek much to his dismay. He hated himself for giving her any reason to think that he would try to change her mind when it was already made up.

"No. If ya still want to go back to Toronto in the morning, I won't stop ya. I'll drive ya to the airport meself."

Emerson didn't say anything, just contemplated his request for a few moments. She wasn't sure it was a good idea to stay, but the pain and guilt etched in his eyes was enough to make her cave. Not only did she selfishly want to spend a few hours wrapped up in his arms again, the nagging feeling in her chest felt like a sign that staying one more night would give them the chance to work things out somewhere down the line. And she really wanted them to have that chance once she'd got her feet back underneath her because she couldn't picture her life without Niall in it.

"Okay. I'll stay."

When Niall woke the next morning, rain was pelting against the windows (fitting for the mood), one half of the bed was empty, and there was a hole in his chest where he was pretty sure his heart was meant to be. He stared at the empty spot next to him, mentally kicking himself in the ass for fucking up so badly, and hoping like hell he could fix it and have a second chance at a future with the girl he knew he was meant to marry.

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