#arent my fault but somehow obsessively thinking about how badly i was treated despite obviously not wanting to is lmao.

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

so i had a pretty interesting conversation with someone from a support group that i'm in, &i'm not entirely sure why this topic is following me around this week, lol, but it feels like something that should need further inspecting because of it, but like... i don't see the point in that, lol, &i suppose what i've actually been reflecting on has been the why of that, lol.

like, support groups for things like cancer are often fraught with conversations about forgiveness because people are looking for peace. whether it be because they don't have the time left to want to feel anything else or because they have changed their whole world around since becoming sick, or even just that sickness&the subsequent impact on their life has given them new perspective on some of the things that used to matter a ton but now seem trivial in the scheme of things. no matter what, forgiveness is often a topic that comes up, &i rarely ever participate because none of those things have happened for me&i have no real interest in pursuing them, lol.

so anyway i had a conversation about forgiveness&while i understand what my acquaintance was trying to do, all it really did was compound my feelings into clear, communicable thoughts, lol.

like, i understand the whole, "forgiveness is for you" thing, but also don't agree with it, lol. forgiveness is always a whole thing-- i have rarely ever seen or heard stories where forgiveness did not involve some form of emotionally harrowing episode or otherwise followup work to prove that forgiveness has in fact been given, lol. that fact alone is enough to let me know that forgiveness isn't actually gauged by the one who does the forgiving, it's gauged by a combination of personal feelings&social expectations-- that's why my saying, "I don't think about anyone who I've ever cut out of my life for hurting me" is always met with, "BUT FORGIVENESS--"

why, exactly, is my not thinking about them not forgiveness? who said i didn't forgive them by banishing them from my thoughts? supposedly forgiveness is for me because it'll make me feel good to let go of the anger or whatever. but not if letting go of that anger has exactly nothing to do with how the opposing party feels or is doing? okay.

like, yes, when i think of these people&the scenarios that accompany them, my blood boils-- but my blood boils when i think of literally anyone who has ever wronged me, lol. intrusive (typically violent) thoughts&obsessive thought cycles are two things no amount of medication or meditation has been able to curb in the slightest, lol; all i can really do is breath deep&wait for the moments to pass or at least calm down. if all i can really expect out of my processing&letting go of things is getting to a point where someone who used to mean the world to me (&subsequently demolised my world) only comes up in my thought patterns as much as the bitch whose name i never learned who got TOO comfortable with assuming i was too stupid to understand her insults, then that's what i'm considering a win, lol. there is nothing for me down the path of working through my feelings with some asshole i want nothing to do with ever again, lol. the goal is to forget they&the feelings they induced ever existed, lmao, &it's one i don't even have to work at-- it happens naturally, lmao, it's a side effect of thinking about the same shit so much against my will that i process everything i need to without having to specifically focus on it. numbness to the situation is an eventual given, otherwise i will literally lose my mind, lmao.

&like. i would never expect or want a second chance from or with any of these people, lol. i expect that both parties here are equally happy to have the other the fuck out their life, lmao. if that isn't the case&someone wants my forgiveness because they miss me... what do i get out of that? what could someone i want nothing more than to have scrubbed from my fucking brain possibly have to offer me in exchange for a return to their life???

&, probably more importantly, what else could they expect from telling me they miss me except to have me laugh all the way in their face, because if they miss me&i can't think of a single memory good enough to counterbalance the bullshit despite obsessively having thought of every detail of things between us for however the fuck long it's been, what exactly does that say about our relationship, LMAO.