#are only bc of the role hydaelyn put her in & not won on her own merit but shes honestly just glad she has them Period.

[gothmiqote]

yk as interesting as it might be to have varha meet azem i actually this it would end up doing a Number on her self esteem lmao

like the idea she has of herself is like,,, Yes she's strong yes she's the "chosen one" butshe also doesn't know for sure she's got a ton going on outside of that. before she was the warrior of light she really was Just Some Guy who had her uses on the field, there's no denying from her that she's a good shot or handy with a glaive. but also those skills don't really roll over into other areas of her life. she still thinks she lacks in a lot of the softer skills--social things largely, but not just those. before she was the warrior of light, she really truly did Not have anyone else in her life (unless you count her one estranged brother who also survived the calamity. she, personally, would not) & couldn't sort out how to properly maintain relationships past a casual depth. it wasn't that she couldn't get along at all, she just never found herself being anyone's first choice. like, she will fully admit to being an attention-seeing kid. to be fair, it makes sense with as many siblings as she had that there would be a need to stand out, she's just never felt like she actually managed to do so.

intellectually speaking, she knows sh's far from stupid & that again, most of her talents really shine in the heat of battle. but like 90% of her friends are basically doctors, & she's aware she would probably have killed the world a long time ago if all the strategizing was left up to her. she'll contribute to these discussions because she's expected to, despite being really goddamn aware she wouldn't be invited to the table without the Very specific circumstances they all find themselves in.

speaking of those friends, it's not lost on her that she wouldn't have them if she wasn't hydaelyn's chosen. maybe they might have crossed paths loosely at some point, but there'd have been no reason to keep her around. having a title like that has its downsides & can definitely be more of a burden than a blessing, but on the whole? she's a bit relieved that she's been able to benefit from it in some more selfish ways (in her opinion). it's a nice change, people having expectations of her & being somewhat interested in her, even if a lot of that interest is directed towards the warrior of light instead of just her as a person. that bit of distance is weirdly comfortable at times. she's not the most emotionally graceful person, usually being too-direct or at a loss for word or reading a situation entirely incorrectly. she's impatient and forceful & is unsurprisingly bad when it comes to navigating environments like sharlayan. the only thing that saves her is the fact that she's Really good at looking confident & making her mistakes appear intentional. having a reputation helps too.

but azem? arsinoë? it's So clear within minutes of meeting her that she doesn't have these same issues. she's the type of person who draws others in without even trying. she's intelligent and witty and doesn't trip over her words (or struggle to find them in the first place). she's able to hold her own just fine in intellectual circles--hell, other people would almost certainly find her intimidating, if she didn't also radiate the type of energy that puts people at ease. there's nothing fake or exaggerated about the confidence she walks around with, and nothing seems to get in her head the same way it does varha. it's the type of inner-security she can only dream of.

i think at first she would want to meet her, just for the novelty of meeting the originator of her soul. i don't think it would cross her mind until it was too late that she actually didn't enjoy doing too much self-examination, and this would be a weird externalized version of that. and of course azem is interested in her--she's interested in a lot of things, but a shard of her own soul from a distant future would be especially fascinating. but varha would start to pick up on just how comfortable she was in her own skin quickly, and it would eat it her. people flock to azem in a way they never did to her Until she had a hero's reputation, until she offered something that was more than she could be on her own. that was when they were willing to look past her short comings. did azem even have those? probably not.

& varha's never been so sick with envy in her entire life, but she's not hateful about it. one, it doesn't make sense & two, she's Also been sucked into that vortex. azem's presence is... a lot, actually. it's domineering in any room--not unkindly, but she's impossible to ignore. she's also just a naturally charming person; there's nothing to hate. but the more varha watches her and searches for similarities, the more she starts to conclude that she seems to have inherited the more negative traits of azem. she's got the same intensity, gets tunnel-visioned about problems, & will Immediately lose her cool if you push her buttons correctly. all of that would be fine if she also got a sliver of that intangible thing arsinoë has that gives her a gravitational pull. she's like the sun, & varha would find herself starting to burn if she stays around too long.

part of her wonders maybe if venat had a hand in making sure the chips fell where they did. somehow she suspects if she were more like azem, she might have some stronger feelings about life or death situations; she might decide there was too much to live for to take certain risks. but if she felt like she was constantly falling short? or like she could have been a stand-in for anyone else? maybe it made her work just that much harder to prove something.

she's not surprised the present hades has such disdain for her. aside from the whole 'going mad from grief' thing, of course. she carries some of the least-loved parts of azem without her same light. standing next to her exposes failures of her personality that she never even knew to look for. varha doesn't dwell on hades' accusations of being a non-person; it's a waste of her time, especially when she knows otherwise. but she definitely feels like a cheap copy when faced with the original. of course, the general disinterest she'd dealt with from people her entire life made sense now. seeing what could have been--what was---makes her immediately understand. even if none of them had Met azem, they would have reacted if she'd resembled her in any way. she could get how losing someone like that would make you want to tear the world up in their name. and varha has people she loves now & who care about her in return, who would definitely mourn her if she were gone, but that type of reaction? nah, nope. they'd get over it in time; the death would be ordinary, as would the grief. which is fine by her, because she actually never Wants to see that level of destruction created for her sake, but still. she gets it.