#arc: manslaught / pro 2.

[ladyintree]

she hopes this isn’t another one of mikayla’s tests,  some attempt to prove that taissa’s willing to drop everything for her the second she needs her.  she is,  that’s true—  but after they almost had the chance to be together again before @manslaught shut it down again,  tai’s afraid to reveal too much again,  even if it’s always written across her features the moment she’s in front of her.  that’s exactly why she took her time showing up here now,  making mikayla believe that she couldn’t rush here right away,  afraid to give her too much.  she doesn’t let her face give her away even as she walks into the study room,  annoyance in her expression as if this was an inconvenience —  like she wasn’t dying to see mikayla — a bag with food in one hand and her text book in the other.  she raises a brow expectedly,  placing the bag on the table and raising the book.   ❝  you’re as good at saying thank you as you are saying please,  i’m guessing? ❞

[ladyintree]

that’s exactly what her mother said— and her father, too, who she can tell already has a speech loaded and ready to go about how soccer isn’t and doesn’t have to be her life.  the sourness that still lingers between her and mikayla reminds her that mikayla’s probably desperate to give her some kind of ‘ i told you so ‘ —  but the fact that she hasn’t yet,  that she’s choosing to comfort tai instead,  reminds her that mikayla is and has always been the better person than her.   ❝  i don’t—  ❞    she starts,  stopping herself immediately with a sniffle and another pause before bracing herself to go on.   ❝  i don’t think so.  not… this.   even if it heals,  i’ll never play like i have been again.  ❞    it’s not like her to be so negative about her own skill; she just has to be realistic.  it doesn’t feel like there’s much room for optimism here.   she waits a long moment before finally responding.   ❝  you tell me.  what’s your assessment…. doc?  ❞   she asks, her attempt at making a joke,  but it’s not followed by any laughter.  she brings her hand over, wiping away at her tears before she finally forces herself to look back at her.  ❝  i need surgery.  i’m out the rest of the season, at least, and—  ❞   she pauses, taking a deep breath.  ❝  i know what that really means.  it means it’s over.   it means after everything i went through,  everything i did to get back to where i was supposed to be—  it was just a waste.  ❞    a more rational part of herself will eventually realize that’s not entirely true, but laying here in mikayla’s arms, her entire body in pain,  it’s hard to feel like any of this was worth it,  not if she was still going to lose it anyway.   ❝ everything i’ve done since we got back was for this and —-  and for what?  just to lose that too? ❞

it breaks her heart to have to see taissa cry, and it's even worse when mikayla knows there's nothing she could do to help. she knows how horrible this injury could be for tai's career, and she also knows that soccer's more important to tai than mikayla is, so how much will being there for her actually do? that won't stop her from trying anyway. “ i know, ” she mumbles, holding tai tighter because she doesn't know what else to do. “ but... it might be okay, right? you could heal. ” she knows more about injuries than she wishes she did, having more broken bones throughout her life than most people ever have, so she's aware that it's not always that simple, but for tai's sake, she hopes it is this time. “ what have the doctors said? ”

[rnrmarineservices-blog]

Jury retires to consider its verdict in Cheeki Rafiki manslaughter trial

The jury has retired to consider its verdict in the trial of Douglas Innes, who is charged with manslaughter by gross negligence after the Beneteau 40.7 Cheeki Rafiki capsized mid-Atlantic in 2014 causing the deaths of four men

Photo: US Navy

14thThe jury in the trial of Douglas Innes, the former boss of Stormforce Coaching that managed the Beneteau 40.7 Cheeki Rafiki, which capsized mid-Atlantic in 2014 causing the deaths of four men, has retired to consider its verdict this afternoon.

Innes is charged with four counts of manslaughter by gross negligence following the deaths of Andrew Bridge, 22, from Farnham, Surrey, James Male, also 22, from Romsey, Hampshire, Steve Warren 52, and Paul Goslin 56, both from Somerset, who were all lost at sea.

In a lengthy retrial at Winchester Crown Court, the jury heard how Cheeki Rafiki capsized after losing her keel on the return delivery from Antigua Sailing Week in May 2014.

In his summing up of the evidence the judge, Mr Justice Teare, said the prosecution alleged that Douglas Innes twice breached his duty of care to the men onboard, in failing to have the yacht surveyed at some point before it departed Antigua for Southampton on 4 May 2014, and that he failed to give appropriate weather routing and passage planning assistance to the yacht from 12 May until contact was lost on 15 May.

Expert witnesses had been called to give their opinion of whether the keel failure might have been caused by previous groundings and a subsequent debonding of the keel matrix from the hull, and if any such internal damage would have been picked up during surveys or coding inspections.

The court was shown photographs taken by an underwater diver, Sam Connolly, showing damage to Cheeki Rafiki's keel in 2007 and 2008, which was incurred before Stormforce Coaching took over management of the yacht in 2011. Douglas Innes was only made aware of the images in 2016 after Connolly heard media coverage of the criminal case and made contact with Innes.

The photographs showed damage to the keel's leading edge, and a crack to the keel-hull join in 2007, which were subsequently repaired. Photographs taken in 2008 show gouges to the front of the keel, described as “looking as if the yacht had hit a gravel bank”.

The court heard that Cheeki Rafiki had also grounded in 2011, hitting Ryde Sands on a training day. Among the witnesses on board there was disagreement whether the yacht was doing 2.5-3 knots through a tack, or 5-6 knots.

There were two further groundings in 2013, one being what was described by witnesses as a “very soft impact” when the yacht touched the mud bottom while motoring out of Shamrock Quay at 1-2 knots. The second was after a corporate race day when the engine had failed to start so the yacht was sailed up Lymington River and the Beneteau 40.7 again touched the mud. This was also described as a “low speed, light touch”, although the yacht had to be towed off the mud and back to Shamrock Quay due to the engine failure.

Photographs of the upturned hull of Cheeki Rafiki

Neither of the 2013 groundings, which occurred after Cheeki Rafiki was coded to Category 2 for commercial work, were reported to the coding authorities or surveyed following the groundings. The MCA guidance states that groundings should be reported 'In the case of major groundings… or minor groundings that are detrimental to the safety of the yacht'. There was disagreement as to how that should be interpreted, and whether every grounding should be reported.

The court heard that in 2012 a second yacht managed by Stormforce Coaching, Jedi Knight, had its keel removed and repairs made to cracking around the keel-hull join by Stormforce Coaching staff, in conjunction with Willet Marine. This repair was also not reported to the certifying authority, and Justice Teare said that Douglas Innes accepted that it should have been.

The court heard that Cheeki Rafiki's Category 2 coding had lapsed before Antigua Sailing Week in 2014 because Stormforce Coaching had failed to arrange for her mid-term inspection in March of that year. Innes had refunded customers for the training days before the Antigua regatta, with guests instead spending two to three days sailing on the yacht 'as friends', before going on to compete at Antigua Sailing Week (racing is permitted for commercial vessels out of code under the ISAF Special Regulations) where Cheeki Rafiki won her class.

In his summing up of the evidence given by expert witness yacht inspectors and surveyors, Teare explained that the mid-term inspection is an in-water check designed to ensure all the equipment for a Cat 2 coding is in order.

The court heard that the mid-term inspection is not a structural survey and that inspectors are not required to, or advised to, carry tools or undertake tap-testing or torque adjustments of keel bolts during the inspection. The mid-term inspection may be carried out by an authorised person who is not a qualified surveyor, and that there is a reasonable amount of variance between how different coding inspectors would conduct the survey.

Cheeki Rafiki competing in the Round the Island Race in the UK

Cheeki Rafiki's return delivery trip from Antigua to the UK was understood to be a non-commercial voyage, with the four crew contributing to food costs only. Details of emails between Innes and staff at the MCA were read out in court explaining how that decision was arrived at.

The court heard that one member of the delivery crew, James Murphy, decided not to take part in the delivery after arriving in Antigua. Justice Teare recounted how in evidence he had initially spoken highly of Stormforce Coaching, saying that Cheeki Rafiki was “kept in a pristine condition”.

But Teare recounted how later in evidence Murphy said that he was “not happy with the yacht's overall condition”, specifying a leaking forward hatch, a loose starboard stanchion, and sun-damaged jack-stays. Murphy had criticised Doug Innes as “not professional with his drinking” and said he “had a gut feeling” about the yacht.

Other customers of Stormforce Coaching also gave evidence. Justice Teare recalled Simon Marshall, who joined Cheeki Rafiki for Antigua Sailing Week, saying the yacht was “in tip-top condition”.

For the defence, Karim Khalil QC said that the prosecution had been “throwing mud in the hope that some of it might stick”.

In his closing speech yesterday he stated that there was conflicting evidence from expert witnesses and nobody could be sure why the keel failure had occurred.

He said the regulatory bodies oversaw “a chaotic system of conflicting advice” that was “hopelessly muddled” on issues such as whether every grounding should be reported.

The MGN 280 standard applied to small commercial vessels is a marine guidance note which was drafted to go before Parliament but never became statutory legislation. Khalil said: “The MCA has been misleading the yachting community for 14 years, because they have been asserting that MGM280 has been in statutory force. They are wrong.”

He added, “Hundreds of ARC yachts are sailed back by owners or pro crew That's how it's done, and yet Doug Innes is criticised for doing what everybody else I the yachting community was doing.”

Screen shots taken during the search and rescue effort to find Cheeki Rafiki on 20 May 2014

Regarding the second alleged breach of duty, the court heard different approaches to routing and passage planning for a transatlantic. Justice Teare summed up the evidence from Simon Rowell, a highly experience meteorologist who had provided weather routeing for Cheeki Rafiki's out-bound Atlantic crossing with the 2013 ARC.

In his evidence Rowell had told the court that 48-hour forecasts for the 14 to 16 of May 2014 showed two low pressure systems potentially joining and moving towards Cheeki Rafiki's position, with significant wave heights building from 3.5m to 5.5m and wind speeds building from Force 6 to gusting Force 9. He said if he had been routeing the yacht he would have advised it take a south-south-easterly course to get away from the area of low pressure.

In his summing up of Doug Innes' evidence Justice Teare said that Innes accepted Rowell's advice to go south for a better angle to the waves was “good seamanship”.

On 15 May the yacht sent an email to Doug Innes with the subject heading 'Urgent' which read:

“We have been taking on a lot of water yesterday and today. Today seems worse I think stbd water tank has split so that it is drained checked hull and seacocks for damade [sic] but cant see any. I will go for a swim when weather improves in about 24 hours we are currently monitoring the situation horta is 900 miles away our position is Position 38deg 38 N, 048 deg 59W, thoughts from your end I will check emails in 2 hours.”

Justice Teare said that Doug Innes agreed that the email showed that the crew of Cheeki Rafiki was “oblivious to what they were sailing into”.

The case continues.

The post Jury retires to consider its verdict in Cheeki Rafiki manslaughter trial appeared first on Yachting World.

[ladyintree]

she sat up abruptly when she found mikayla at her door, not bothering to look at the clock — it's clearly late, or early, whichever, but it doesn't matter. she and mikayla promised each other a long time ago that they'd be there for the other when they couldn't sleep, and even though that feels like lifetimes ago given how much has changed, especially between them, she still means it. at least now, she can do something about it; she couldn't when mikayla was in prison, and it haunted her, knowing she was surely having so much trouble there that tai couldn't help with, the same way she worried she'd slip back into old patterns and wouldn't have mikayla to protect her.

@manslaught said, "i'm not here to fuck you."

she rolls her eyes at mikayla's words, because while that might have been something she anticipated nights ago when they'd broken some silent boundary, she still knows mikayla well enough to sense when something's off. she's already making her way out of bed before she says anything, instinctively reaching for a hoodie and handing it to her. mikayla hasn't said she's cold, it's just tai's assumption — she knows what used to comfort her before, being surrounded by tai, and though she doesn't imagine mikayla's interested in her actual touch right now, she can at least comfort her this way. ❝  what's wrong? ❞ she says quietly, softer than her initial reaction to mikayla approaching her in the middle of the night. she has a feeling she knows, given all the hints mikayla dropped at what she would need to sleep okay somewhere new, and maybe part of tai expected this. she's just relieved that it's finally her again who can help. her hand gently touches mikayla's elbow, wishing she could pull her in instead, but trying to be careful for now. ❝  what do you need? ❞ she asks instead, her eyes searching hers the way mikayla's always searched her own when they were teenagers, ready for whatever it is that mikayla's going through.

[ladyintree]

her jaw clenches,  taking offense to her words,  but not because she’s wrong.   she just hates that that’s how mikayla sees it,   like it’s not just tai still wanting to be a part of each other’s lives that she’s so quick to tell her everything happening in her life.   ❝ that’s not fair,  ❞    she finally says with a scoff.   ❝  excuse me for thinking you wanted to know about my life the way i care about yours,  ❞    she mutters,  her brows furrowing as she wonders if she just had it all wrong— or if mikayla’s just (rightfully) being an asshole about it.    she rolls her eyes and shakes her head.   ❝  that’s bullshit and you know it.   you purposefully kept this from me,  ❞   she points out again,  like she's got a reason to be sorry for that— but even tai knows she doesn’t.

she lets out a frustrated groan,  but she still doesn’t accept the answer.  she’s committed to at least trying to get her to talk—  it’s what she came here for,  it’s what she paid for,  and it’s what she still believes mikayla owes her.   ❝  i do,  ❞   she insists quietly,  but she’s cut off when she feels mikayla’s hands around her wrist,  and before she can stop herself or even process what’s going on,  a small, desperate whine slips from her lips,  her mind transport back to a time when that exact move would’ve been rewarded with giggles between them both and far more satisfaction than she’s realizing she’s about to get here,  in any way.   ❝  m’sorry, b— ❞    she starts to mumble but cuts herself off,  eyes darting to hers,  even more apologetic now.   she takes a deep breath so she can catch her composure,  but it’s hard with mikayla that close yet so, so far away.   ❝  how long have you been doing this?  ❞   she asks,  ignoring her request for no talking.  

it's not that she likes keeping things from tai— mikayla just didn't want to deal with the judgement she's already facing, knowing that telling taissa anything about her life would only bring up even more questions, just like right now. “ that's because you like to brag. ” nothing in mikayla's life is anything worth bragging about. even school is something she's embarrassed of, because she knows she'd told tai before that she hated school, and here she is, putting herself in debt to pursue something she doesn't even want in the first place. “ i'm not lying. i told you i have a job. ” she just made sure to be as vague as possible— but she never lied.

mikayla should just accept the break, the way she does with travis, but if the alternative is talking through things, she'd rather do this— at least this way, she feels like she has some fragment of control. “ i don't want to talk, ” she insists, annoyed, because she thought she's made that clear by now. tai's touch burns, but it still takes mikayla a moment to actually react to it, because for a second, it feels right, being this close, until she remembers all the reasons why it's not. her hands reach down to wrap around tai's wrists, pulling her hands off her waist and pinning them to the chair. mikayla leans in closer, mouth dangerously close to tai's, but she refuses to close the distance, reminding herself that tai broke up with her. “ no touching. ”

[ladyintree]

mikayla’s smile is contagious — it always has been, especially when tai can tell it’s real.  her own grin grows over her features,  beaming back at her like there’s no turmoil between them,  and she starts to relax.  it doesn’t make her nervous to be exposed in front of her, despite how long it’s been— it just feels comfortable,  because it’s her.   ❝  i guess you’ll just have to see how well i really listen, ❞   she taunts.   she smiles into the kiss,  but she immediately frowns when she pulls back.  not for long, though, because her words intrigue her,  and though she intends to follow her latest order,  she also wants to take her time.  her eyes travel down her body,   hands moving to her hips— but she doesn’t grab onto her shirt just like that.  instead,  she slides her hands underneath it,  pressing to her skin as she slides them up her sides,  using her forearms to push the shirt up her body.  her hands move slow as her eyes meet hers again,  a small smirk on her lips while she makes her way up her body.  her fingers slide down her arms as she finally moves her shirt over her body, tossing it aside.  she gazes over her body,   eyes full of adoration as they take her in,  but as she looks up,  instinctually,  her hands move to smooth over the hair that had fallen messily once her shirt came off,  because she knows how much mikayla likes her hair,  and tai’s always been attached to it for that reason, too.   ❝  you’re beautiful,  ❞   she whispers,  words she’s spoken countless times before.

this is probably the first time since getting out that mikayla's actually felt free, although that's her own fault for immediately forcing herself into college, giving herself no time to readjust to being back outside prison wall. it's also the first time she's not letting herself consider all the reasons why she shouldn't be doing this with tai at all, because for now, she doesn't want to change her own mind about this. she just wants to feel something other than emptiness or anger, something only tai is capable of helping her feel. for what might be the first time since their break up, mikayla actually lets herself start to smile— something genuine, not like the smug little smirks she'd wear when tai would visit her at work. “ so you do still know how to listen, ” she teases, her hands moving to rest on tai's thighs. mikayla leans in to kiss her again, but not for long, pulling away shortly after, just enough to give another order. “ now take mine off. ” she's undressed herself for taissa plenty of times now, so it only feels fair to make tai do all of the work instead.

[ladyintree]

in the wilderness,  everything was desperate,   too aware that any moment between them could easily be their last.   and tai still feels that now,   knowing that this could still be the last time they ever do any of this,  wherever this is about to lead,  because they’re not on stable ground with each other,   and as much as tai wants to believe they could get there,   she doesn’t trust that mikayla’s willing.  so she kisses her back like it’s the end of the world —  just as she always has  — desperate and hungry and filled with passion in a way she’s only ever felt with mikayla desousa,   just as she’s only ever felt this alive with her, too, even when their survival wasn’t promised.  she pouts when mikayla speaks,  because she has been waiting for a long time to hear them—  though there was something exciting about knowing she’d never be allowed when she visited mikayla at the club,  no matter how much she wanted to be closer to her.   she’s glad they waited until now—  when it was real,  or as real as they’d allow it to be given their history.   she instantly whines when mikayla pulls away,  her eyes darting open as she listened to her speak.  

her head nods slowly,   a familiar obedience,  though an amused grin tugs at her lips.  she leans back,  letting out a small scoff.    ❝  don’t worry.  I’m not expecting shit,   ❞   she mutters,  mostly in her own defense,  because she can feel herself holding onto something that’s clearly fleeting,  but she’s going to enjoy  every moment while it lasts.   she keeps her eyes on hers as she slowly slides her hands away from mikayla,  reaching for the edge of her shirt and lifting it over her body.  her eyes still don’t leave mikayla’s,  even as she tosses the shirt aside,  sloppily landing over the papers that are scattered across the table.  her head tilts to the side,  and she studies her,  trying to anticipate her next move— but she knows better to expect anything with her now.  ❝  is this what you want,  baby?  ❞   she asks quietly.

mikayla knew tai would follow her orders immediately, but she can't help but let out a muffled laugh into the kiss anyway, smug about it. she realizes she was right to prevent it for so long, because tai's touch sends sparks through her entire body, reminding her of everything she lost. everything tai took from them. her grip on tai's waist tightens, fingertips pressing harder against her, pulling her even closer. she frowns when tai starts to speak, not wanting to talk, but while it would be so much easier to just not answer at all, to cut her off with another kiss, she's in desperate need of control, so she can't help herself. “ not as long as you've been dying to hear them, probably. ” that might not even necessarily be true, and maybe tai will know that, so she kisses her again in an attempt to cut off whatever response she might have, slipping her hand beneath tai's shirt, nails dragging against her skin. before, she would have taken tai's shirt off herself, but if she's going to let herself do this, then she at least needs to know she has all of the control, so she pulls back abruptly, leaning back in her chair. “ take your shirt off. ” the corner of her mouth twitches for a moment, a smile threatening to tug at her lips, but she holds back. “ and don't expect me to say please. ”

[ladyintree]

taissa scoffs as mikayla starts,  her free hand vaguely waving her off.   ❝  since when do you care about those kind of rules?  ❞    she mumbles,   pouting as she looks back at her with another silent plea that she just come closer.   she lets out a shaky breath when she feels mikayla finally get onto the bed,  relaxing now that she’s near her again— both because she needs her right now and because she felt so empty without her these last few weeks. she closes her eyes,  leaning into her touch and bringing her arm around her waist as she sinks down,  head leaning against mikayla’s shoulder.   it’s not until she feels the kiss against her head that she allows herself to fully break down,   no longer face to face with mikayla but safe in her touch,  safe enough to unleash everything she’s been holding back,  tears now streaming down her face as she pulls herself tighter against mikayla.   ❝  i’m so fucking scared,  kay,  ❞    she mutters,   attempting to take a deep breath but cutting herself off to blurt out more.   ❝  i don’t know what the fuck i’m going to do.  ❞   and it’s rare that taissa turner has ever been completely lost—  she’s convinced herself for the last 6 years she’s been fine since they were rescued,  that she’ll never have to question her future again,  but her injury’s changed everything,  and no one else is willing to say that this might be the end of her career now—  but she knows the truth,  and she knows that sacrificing mikayla for this very path makes her the wrong person to seek comfort in,  but she’s also the only one she wants it from.  

she almost laughs when tai brings up work, because she knows taissa's never taken her job seriously, so why is she even bothering to pretend to now? but she's not here to argue, so she doesn't let herself say that, only shaking her head, “ tai— just shut up. ” her voice is softer than her words, because it's as close as she'll let herself get to admitting that she cares more about taissa than she does about any of the things she left in new york. maybe tai isn't able to understand what that's like, but mikayla's not going to bother to explain, either.

when tai starts to move to the other side of her bed, mikayla starts to wonder if she fucked up, apologizing at all, drawing attention to how she's been acting for the last few weeks, but tai hasn't let go of her hand, so she doesn't take it back, either, just frowning as she watches her. mikayla glances toward the door, as if she's expecting someone to come in and yell at them for even talking about being in the bed together. “ i don't know if we're allowed... ” she starts to trail off when she meets tai's eyes again, deciding that she doesn't actually care if they're allowed or not, because right now, all that matters to her is making tai feel okay. mikayla lets go of her hand, but only so she could move herself onto the hospital bed, wrapping her arm around tai's shoulders, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

[ladyintree]

her grip on the chair tightens when mikayla pushes at the table,  the hand that was pressed against it falling back into her own lap,  still careful not to touch her.   as mikayla pulls her into her lap,   her other hand grips the opposite side of the chair,  her body hovering over hers,  another whine slipping between their lips.   she wastes no time when mikayla gives her the order,  one hand quickly moving to cup her cheek while the other grips mikayla’s side,   the way she nearly did a thousand times at mikayla's work,  somehow managing to control herself.  her hips move into hers,  the hand on her cheek sliding up through her hair the way it always used to,  the way she's been dying to for months now,   but it's much softer than it was when they were teens,  and she can't help herself,  her fingers gently running through it over and over before she grips it.   being in her lap now,  after hearing those words from her mouth,  she can't control the smugness she feels,  and she uses it,   pulling back just enough to speak.   ❝  how long have you been dying to say those words?  ❞   she taunts,  though it's a genuine question—  one she doesn't imagine mikayla will answer with any real truth,  but she wants it in her head anyway. 

this doesn't change anything. it's a mistake, something mikayla's going to hate herself for later, but right now, it's hard to think of it as that when this is the only thing that's felt right to her in so long. that's all mikayla can let herself care about now, so she's immediately irritated when tai pulls back, even slightly, because she doesn't want the opportunity to think about what she's doing, how she should be keeping her distance, not pulling tai closer. she knows all of that already, but she ignores it anyway, letting go of tai's shirt so she could bury her hand in her hair instead, using her grip to keep tai there, to stop her from daring to pull away again. blindly, she uses her free hand to push at the table, scooting it away so she has enough room to adjust herself, both hands reaching for tai's waist to pull her into mikayla's lap, needing her closer. years ago, their hands would have already been all over each other, so mikayla knows tai must be holding back— and she thinks she knows why, so she breaks the kiss just long enough to breathe out, “ touch me. ” she doesn't care how desperate she sounds, how she's asking tai to break the rules that she created for them.

[ladyintree]

❝  i’m—  ❞   she starts,  ready to argue that she’s not trying to be annoying,  only helpful,  but when mikayla suddenly pulls her in closer,   she’s not sure if she’s actually succeeding or not.   but she’s not complaining,  either,   a gasp slipping from her lips just before they meet hers.   she kisses her back instantly,   like it’s muscle memory,   something that still happens all the time — even though it’s not.  it’s been years since they’ve kissed like this;   the kiss they shared a few weeks ago was obviously not real,   just a game to mikayla,  one tai fell for because it meant being closer to her,  only leaving her more upset afterwards,  filled with a longing that ran much deeper than it had.   she knows better than to believe there’s any real hope in them despite how natural this kiss feels,   but she can’t help but to get caught up in the fantasy anyway,  a small grin tugging at her lips through the kiss. 

her hands start to move,  and she’s eager to wrap her arms around her to pull her in closer,  but she stops herself suddenly,   one hand pressed to the table and the other gripping the back of mikayla's seat instead.   this isn’t the place where mikayla had forbidden her from touching her before,  it’s not the same situation at all,   and nothing about this kiss is at all similar to those circumstances—   and yet,  it still feels forbidden,  like she’s waiting on some kind of permission to believe in this,  to know that it’s real.  she whines into the kiss,  lips parting from hers but her eyes don’t open,  too afraid that if their eyes meet,  they’ll change their minds,  and she doesn’t want to.   she gasps for air,  tugs her chair closer,  and whispers mikayla’s name before quickly crashing her lips back into hers. 

instead of arguing, mikayla only rolls her eyes, choosing not to point out the fact that it was tai who chose to lose those privileges in the first place. they've already been over that a million times by now, and she's not interested in hearing the same excuses, in having to give the exact same retorts. she narrows her eyes at her slightly, irritated that tai won't confirm or deny having a date, even though it's exactly what mikayla would have done— but it's fine when she's the one doing it. she doesn't have time to dwell on it for long, because the moment tai starts to get closer, she momentarily forgets how to breathe. she somehow manages to remember enough to keep glaring at her, not letting her eyes wander, but she forgets she's supposed to be studying, supposed to be pushing tai away... at least until tai speaks, and then mikayla remembers the rest.

she doesn't want a break, because she doesn't want to do this at all. she never has, and that's something she's more or less been able to accept, but it's days like these when she's drowning in work, her head pounding, that she starts to hate everything that ever lead her here. she hates her father for putting her in a position where she had to kill him, hates the public for making her into a monster because of it, hates that she lost the girl she loves in the process, hates that she has no choice but to make something of herself— and she hates that she knows tai can see through her, that she knows mikayla doesn't want any of this. it just makes her angrier, which is another feeling she's starting to hate, because while it kept her alive for so long, now it's just exhausting when it's all she feels. the only time she didn't was the night weeks ago when she kissed tai for the first time in years, when she was able to feel something lighter, even if temporarily.

even thinking back to that night for a moment proves to be a mistake, because all of her willpower dissolves completely. she decides she will take a break, but not to pay any attention to the food on the table, and definitely not to talk to tai about anything. “ you are so fucking annoying, ” she growls in frustration before reaching to grab the front of tai's shirt, impulsively pulling her closer until their lips meet, not letting herself consider how much she's going to regret this later.

[ladyintree]

taissa’s breath immediately gets caught in her throat when she hears the words,   her body frozen in place as she stares back at her like mikayla just punched her in the gut.   she frowns,  looking down and thinking about the vows— those words repeated in tai’s mind often in the years since they’ve been rescued,  yet she failed.   she chose to break those vows.   part of her still feels like it was for the best— but she’s not sure if she actually believes that or if it’s just her own justification for her actions.    ❝  right,  ❞   she speaks quietly,   letting out a shaky breath.  despite her own failures,  she still believes that’s true—  even if this really was the end of mikayla and tai,   they would still show up for each other.   tai’s never taking that for granted again;  she’s tried to make that clear, too, but mikayla made it clear she was trying too hard.  she scoffs,  her head falling to the side as she looks back at her.   ❝  and… work…?   you didn’t have to come,  ❞   she says quickly,   because as angry as she’s been at mikayla for the last few weeks,  she’s also had some time to reflect:   she was being selfish,  greedy,  trying to recreate the magic she used to feel with mikayla despite mikayla still keeping her at a distance.   she should’ve respected those boundaries, not assumed that they could go back to what they had before so easily,  but even despite all that,  she just wants to focus on mikayla being here.   she gulps,  and even though it may be selfish,  she accepts it.   ❝  i’m glad you did anyway. ❞  

she starts to relax for the first time in weeks when mikayla’s hand moves over hers.  she starts to sink back down in the bed,  watching as mikayla brings her hand to her lips;  focusing on mikayla’s touch calms her down,  makes her feel a sense of safety despite everything in her life falling apart all around her once again.    she nods her head quickly when mikayla makes a promise,   tears starting to fall from her eyes again as she squeezes onto her hand.   her brows furrow when mikayla apologizes, because despite wanting to hear that for weeks now,  she’s not ready to have this conversation.  she’s not ready to admit all the ways she was wrong,  she’s not ready to have any conversation that’s going to push them apart farther again.   everything she’s been building for the last 6 years,  everything she gave up her marriage for,  it all fell apart today.   she failed,  like she’s always been so afraid of,  and all she wants to do now is break down in front of the only person she’ll allow to see her like that.  she has to avoid the rest for her own sanity. ❝  no,  ❞   she mumbles,  groaning as she attempts to slide her body towards the opposite side of the bed.  ❝  no,  we don’t—  we don’t have to talk about that right now,  ❞   she mutters in a desperate plea,  her eyes meeting mikayla’s again.   ❝  can you just come here?  ❞   she asks,  her hand gently tugging hers to indicate she wants her to lay next to her.

just hours ago, mikayla was trying to pretend that tai didn't matter, that she was doing fine not talking to her, but that feels like a lifetime ago now, because she can't bring herself to brush her off now. her brows knit together, almost offended that tai would even question her, as if mikayla hasn't been pushing her away for years now. “ for better, for worse, right? ” those vows didn't seem to matter when it was mikayla at her worst, but for the first time in years, she doesn't allow herself to even think about that. “ i don't give a fuck about my classes right now. ” she never did, really, and she thinks tai knows enough about her to realize that, but if tai's hurt, then there's no way mikayla could even try to focus on school, pretending she actually gives a shit about helping people when there's only one person she's worried about helping now.

if tai pushes her away, mikayla knows she'll deserve it— she's been horrible to her, even if she tells herself it's justified, but seeing tai like this makes mikayla hate herself for all of it. she lets out a deep sigh of relief when tai takes her hand, her opposite hand immediately moving on top of hers, bringing tai's hand up to her lips and pressing a kiss to her knuckles, unable to stop the tears from welling in her eyes. “ i'm not going anywhere. i promise. ” she wants to ask her how she's really feeling about everything, but mikayla's afraid to let tai actually think about it, so she doesn't let herself just yet. “ i'm— sorry... for being such an asshole. ” it feels strange, actually fucking apologizing for once in her life, and if tai were almost anyone else, she wouldn't bother, but she feels the need to say it now.

[ladyintree]

she keeps using that against her,   and tai kept falling for it,   hoping that it may lead them back to their usual banter  —    but it seems to only lead to disappointment,  regret,   and a brutal longing she can't handle.   ❝  it used to have better rewards,  ❞    she mumbles,   because leaving mikayla isn't one —   even if she technically has plans to return to.    even if she intended to go back,   she doesn't know how to now,   not when she still knows mikayla well enough to see that she is not happy with studying.   and she can understand that,   on a surface level too,   but she knows that she may need a genuine break—    and she's not considering the fact that she may just be a bad distraction.   all she can think about is that surely, she can help.    she rolls her eyes and repeats her words in a mocking tone,  ❝  yeah.  my date,  ❞    she scoffs.   she gives no real indication if mikayla is right or wrong —   because she could tell the truth,  and then mikayla would have nothing to wonder about.   or  she could let her sweat,  just like mikayla's done to her many times.   

her jaw clenches when she hears her name from mikayla's mouth,   and she keeps her eyes on her,  trying to decide if her words are genuine.   obviously, she's not fine—    but if she really does want taissa to leave,    she will respect it.   she's just not convinced yet.   she takes a deep breath,  then leans in closer to mikayla,  the same way mikayla's done to her many times while she's been at work  —   but she isn't trying to make a move on her,  her hand reaching across her,   carefully sliding a paper in her place in the book before she closes it.   her brows raises,  and she's softer with her words now.   ❝  i'll leave if you tell me the truth,  ❞   she says quietly,   eyes narrowing in on her.   ❝  you need a break, ❞   she says,  not asking—  just telling.   ❝  you want one.  don't you? ❞   and she'll be here for her,  whatever she decides—  even if it's just to eat in silence,  she just wants to make sure mikayla isn't completely burning herself out.        

“ you used to, ” she reminds her, although she knows it's not even close to the same thing now— back then, mikayla gave tai reason to actually want to listen to her, and now, all she's asking is for her to go away. “ your date. right. ” mikayla scowls, glancing over tai, trying to decide whether she actually believes it or not. it feels like a win either way, because even if tai was with someone else, she still abandoned them to come to her, so she decides she's already angry enough with everything else in her life to waste energy getting angry about that. “ i'm fucking fine, taissa. it's just— ” a lot, she almost finishes, but that feels like admitting failure, and she's not prepared to do that. she needs tai to believe she can do this, because she's one of the people she's trying to prove wrong, to show her that she's not going nowhere in life, that tai was wrong to break up with her. “ i don't want to fucking eat right now. can you just care about what i want? just once? ”

[ladyintree]

she’s surprised at the confession—  but mostly because she’s admitting it at all.   a part of taissa always knew that she had to be paying some kind of attention to her games,  and she always tried to get her to admit it,  but even so,  she didn’t expect her to continue when she couldn’t even speak to taissa for the last few weeks.  her brows furrow,  because it’s a lot to take in;   she’s spent weeks trying to come to terms with the fact that mikayla hated her,  that she’d never truly forgive her,  that they’d never really find each other again—-  but mikayla being here changes everything she knows.  her head starts to shake when she mentions the plane,  because she hasn’t been able to process any of it yet.   ❝  you did that for me? ❞   she asks quietly,  letting out a small breath.  her eyes look over to the door,  then back to mikayla.   ❝  you got on a plane?  wait, what about— don’t you have classes?  ❞   she asks,   because of all the things she’s worried about now,   focusing on mikayla and everything she’s giving up is momentarily taking her mind off herself.  

she rolls her eyes,  a tired smile barely tugging at her lips,  because she knows that’s true firsthand.   ❝  i guess you’re right,  ❞    she mumbles,  taking a deep breath as her eyes look down to her hand.   all she wants to do is hold it,  but she’s hesitant too,  still not entirely sure why mikayla did all of that for her.   ❝  don't do that,  ❞   she mutters,  her eyes closing for a moment.  it’s when she opens her eyes that the tears return,  and once she feels it,  she realizes she can’t keep mikayla at arms length.  she wants her here.  not just because she came all this way— but because taissa doesn’t know how to face any of this without mikayla.  and maybe she doesn’t deserve to have mikayla by her side, considering she wasn’t by mikayla’s side at her lowest,  but she can’t think about anything but mikayla’s hand near hers.  ❝  i need you here,  ❞   she blurts,  finally reaching her hand out and grabbing hers,  her teary eyes meeting mikayla’s to silently beg her not to leave. 

she was hoping to not have to explain herself for being here— she hoped that tai would just understand that obviously, mikayla would come if she needed her. “ i was watching your game, ” she admits, not even caring that she's spent months refusing to admit that she watches them at all. “ and once you got hurt, i... i don't know, freaked out. i called your parents and asked if they knew where you were going. then i got the first plane ticket i could. ” she'd spent basically all of her money getting here, but mikayla doesn't want to bring that up, not just because she's not prepared to worry about how she's supposed to get home, but because she doesn't want tai to think she's expecting her to help with that.

“ i can be pissed at you and care about you at the same time, you know, ” she points out, finally looking up from her hands to meet her eyes. “ kind of felt that way all through high school. ” pissed off she couldn't have her, the same way she is now, though it was less complicated back then. hesitantly, she places her hand on the hospital bed, careful not to touch tai at all, but resting it close enough that it's obvious she's offering her hand if taissa wants to take it. “ sorry. maybe i should've asked if you wanted me here before i did all that. i can leave if you want me to. ”

[ladyintree]

she immediately realizes she shouldn’t have said anything,  because she’s not quite sure how to answer that question—  so she shrugs her shoulders,   acting as if it’s no big deal.    ❝  i just have trouble sleeping sometimes,  ❞    she answers vaguely,  though that much is true — and mikayla knows that firsthand.  she looks over to her,  somewhat shy,   then shakes her head.   ❝  i’m used to it.  i like the company, though.  ❞   also true,  and she feels better being here with mikayla — because that’s always given her peace,  even if it can’t in the exact same way anymore,  she just hopes she can do something for her now,  too.

her eyes drift over to mikayla as she sits next to her,  hardly even recognizing how close she is,  mostly because it just feels natural anyway.    a lot of the things they do together is—  it’s when she recognizes how unnatural that actually is that it starts to really overwhelm her.  her eyes roll and she shoots a glare back at her.   ❝  no,  like someone who cares about you and wants to help,  ❞   she snaps back in the same dry tone as her.   her stare lingers for a moment before she slowly nods her head.   ❝ yeah.  okay, ❞    she says slowly,  getting up from her seat and going to the kitchen,  making them both a drink and returning,   handing it off to her then sitting back down in the same spot she was in before—  just as close to her still.   ❝  my drink of choice.  usually helps me relax after a long day,  ❞    she says,  hoping it can do the same for her,  too.  ❝  do you . . . ❞ she cuts herself off, immediately feeling ridiculous, but she forces herself to continue for mikayla's sake. ❝  —want to talk about it? ❞

it's angered her for months, the fact she has so much trouble sleeping— getting out of prison, she assumed it would be easy, because finally she was safe, she was comfortable, she was free. of course, sleeping after rescue didn't come easily, but she blamed being in the same house as her father and being away from taissa for that. but even months later, her mind won't let her rest, no matter how little sleep she's been running on for days now. “ why not? ” is it because of me? she almost asks, but she stops herself for selfish reasons, knowing that hearing tai confirm that would only make mikayla want to leave entirely, to not disturb her more than she already has.

mikayla follows, forgetting to sit on the completely opposite side of the couch, falling somewhere closer instead— not enough to touch, because she's not stupid, but definitely closer than she'd normally allow herself. she doesn't have anything she actually wants to watch, so she just skips through the channels mindlessly until she finally lands on some movie she has no real intention of watching, tossing the remote to the side. “ what, like a maid? ” she asks dryly, tearing her eyes off the screen to glance over at her. “ actually— maybe something with liquor would help. just whatever is fine. it all tastes like shit to me. ” usually, she wouldn't risk it, drinking at all around her, but one drink to hopefully put her to sleep won't hurt, right?

[ladyintree]

she scoffs,  raising a brow.   ❝  what,  i just have to listen to you?  ❞    she challenges,  eyes meeting hers,  because she shouldn’t be trying to remind her of their past—   but it's hard not to,   especially when mikayla’s been doing that to her every chance she’s gotten,  too.   her eyes roll as she gets her own food out,  though she's not exactly interested in eating it,  still trying to find a way to get mikayla to listen to her.  ❝  you’re lucky i showed up at all, ❞   she reminds, rolling her eyes.   ❝  i was in the middle of something.  and it’s not my fault you forgot it, ❞   she argues,  her jaw clenching.   but as she glances around the table again,  her chest aches,  seeing how much work mikayla is putting into something tai still can’t comprehend.  the tension loosens just barely, her guard still up.   ❝  but i didn’t want you to have to study without it.  so, i’m here,  ❞  she mutters,  taking a deep breath.   ❝  you’re obviously not having a good time anyway.   can you just eat?   please? ❞

mikayla casts a quick, annoyed glance in tai's direction, like she's ridiculous for even suggesting it. she knows she's proven that she is capable of being nice, especially to her, but things were different back then; now, being vulnerable around her doesn't feel like an option, leaving her in the same exact position she was in in high school. “ so you just suck at listening. ” she hardly even looks at the food, too uncomfortable to actually bring herself to eat. there's a reason she's always denied tai's offers to help her study, knowing that it would be impossible for her to hide how unhappy she is, how much she hates all of this— and now, she feels trapped, with nobody to blame but herself. “ i said i'm busy. i work later, so i don't have all night. and it doesn't help that you took fucking forever. ”

[ladyintree]

when she puts it like that,  taissa really can’t ignore what she’s doing now.   it’s not fair to mikayla for taissa to be doing this,   cornering her in a way she can’t really just walk away from,   but she keeps telling herself it’s fine because at least she’s got to be better company than the alternative,  not considering what this could really be doing to her mentally.   the way she sees it:   they owe it to each other,   this time together no matter how they can get it,   and mikayla seems hesitant to accept her offers any other time,  so taissa takes what she can get now,   hoping she isn’t entirely ruining things between them,  even more than she did years ago.  she scoffs,  offended that mikayla would even ask,  like it should be obvious for her to tell her anything.   ❝  i’ve always told you what’s going on,  ❞    she reminds,   like that means anything given the choice she made long ago.    ❝  and— i’ve been asking,  ❞   she reminds with a scoff.   ❝  so you’re just— fucking lying to me now?   we don’t do that,  ❞    she insists,  trying not to think about the sight in front of her.   mikayla looks beautiful,  as always,  but it’s some kind of self-torture for her to be here,  seeing her like this,  knowing that it’ll never be what it once was.    and everything else she’s forced to think about—   like how mikayla ended up here when tai could’ve helped her do something better.   but maybe part of her knows she shouldn’t have expected mikayla to ask her for help.   

her jaw clenches when mikayla says she’s not here to talk,  but that doesn’t mean tai’s willing to give up—  they know each other too well,  too intimately to let this go,  and she’ll keep convincing herself that mikayla will want to open up to her eventually,  so she stays put.   as mikayla comes closer,  though,  tai realizes she hasn’t really prepared herself for this.   she shakes her head,   letting out a sigh.   ❝  mikayla,  you don’t have to do this—   you can just  .  .  .  take a break from all this.   we can talk,  ❞   she emphasizes again,   but her body trembles at the touch of her hand to her shoulder,   then she freezes when mikayla’s in her lap.   it’s instinct for tai to want to bring her hands to her hips and hold her closer to her—   but that’s not who they are anymore,  and definitely not what this is,   yet  her body and mind aren’t on the same page,   hands shakily reaching to slide against her hips.   her touch is light,   not as greedy or as intimate as it used to be,   still aware enough to know that she doesn’t get to have this,   but her nerves are driving her actions now,   and she’s clinging to some kind of normalcy.   her eyes carefully look up to mikayla’s,  and when they meet,   she lets out a shaky sigh.   ❝  really?  ❞   she asks,  her voice quieter and breathy now.

mikayla doesn't really understand why taissa's putting so much effort into talking her now when she didn't seem to want to years ago. that's not entirely true, but it's what she's convinced herself, deciding that being with her was just too much work for tai, despite asking for so little. “ so you think i wouldn't talk to you outside, but i would talk to you here? really? ” she scoffs, because it's ridiculous, even more of her guards up now that she's actually inside. all of this feels unnecessary, anyway, because tai has other ways of getting into contact with mikayla— though maybe it's her own fault that it's come to this, because she's the one who hardly replies to any texts, who turns down almost all of tai's attempts to meet up.

“ why the fuck would i tell you? ” we're not together anymore, remember? she almost adds, bitterly, but she has just enough self control to stop herself, because she doesn't think she's supposed to care so much when it's been years since they ended. “ it's just a fucking job, tai. ” it's far from the first time she's had to put herself in uncomfortable situations just to get by, considering that's how all of high school went— in her eyes, there's no real reason to worry. it's just temporary, hopefully. “ i'm not fucking talking to you. that's not why i'm here. ” unfortunately, that means she has to focus on what she's supposed to be here for, so she forces herself closer, putting her hand on tai's shoulder and shoving her further back into the seat as mikayla slides onto her lap. she does her best to remain detached, to not think about the countless times she's been on top of her while they were together, because it's not like that anymore. tai doesn't want her. “ i'll just give you what you paid for. ”