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#arbitrary tipping point and it all comes combusting out like a shrapnel explosion
knifesxedge
·
4 months
Text
imagine if my medication worked to stabilize my bipolar disorder.
#pi's personal
#delete later
#i WOULD be Worse without it like ping ponging up and down and suicidal 90% of the time instead of 20%
#but i can dream of a world where the smallest thing doesn’t suddenly trigger a hairpin transition into a depressive episode.
#that would be nice.
#and it always is The Smallest Most Insignificant Things that trigger it
#making me seem like a huge bitch and the world’s worst person
#aw you’re sobbing hysterically because you couldn’t find parking in a downtown parking garage on a friday evening? literally anybody else
#would just suck it up. nobody else would do that
#now this is something i should be bringing up in therapy and not talking about to my 1000+ tumblr followers BUT
#i have a theory that it’s always a straw that breaks the camel’s back situation.
#things build up and i don’t feel like i’m really struggling that much with things or bottling them up but i Am. and then i hit a seemingly
#arbitrary tipping point and it all comes combusting out like a shrapnel explosion
#the fun thing about it is that because it seems so arbitrary i drive people away from me
#because they think i’m severely overreacting to something very small
#and also that i’m a Huge Fucking Bitch. just the worst kind of mean annoying lashing out person
#everyyyyyything has to be about me. i always make it about me. i always cause a scene.
#and rightfully so nobody then wants to be around me. or to take my side in a conflict.
#because i am quite literally The Problem.
#and it’s like i can’t even help it. it’s like i can’t control it. i just go into a state of Shutdown Overwhelm and suddenly things are
#Too Much and i lash out at anything i can because it all goes spilling outward.
#and THAT is why nobody who knows me well enough wants to be around me
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