#apparently what i won't be doing is ANYTHING online on my personal computer for... however long this goes on this time

[absentlyabbie]

going to bed before i burst into actual tears of helpless frustration because for the third time in as many weeks, my computer has decided that despite paying for 500mbps internet, i'm only allowed an oscillation between 2.4-40mbps for absolutely no valid reason, and whatever i did to somehow make it work again last time absolutely will not work this time

[vodka-redbull-daily]

October 29th, 2023

*Graphic Sexual Content*

The men in B----- are so different from the men in A------. I've only been here for 3 days, well really only two since I came in so late on the first day.  I logged on as soon as I had my computer set up in my room. right off the bat, there were a few people interested in me. So many people liking my profile, messaging me.  That seemed pretty standard, however, since I was a new face and in a new place.  The surprising amount of men that were actually online at that time of night sent a message or two back and forth with me and I even made plans with a few of them. There were a few people who mysteriously disappeared after a few messages. it's unclear whether they blocked me cuz I didn't like what I had to say, or they ended up getting banned because they were a scammer.

the thing about the men here, though.  they're much more sentimental. or, at least they seem that way. much older men. many more men who are looking for a long-term Arrangement rather than a quick hookup. they're even a few men who, with the understanding that I'm  only here for a week, still want to try and make a long-term relationship last. I'm not opposed to this, if I really like the guy. I'm not opposed to it if I really need the money. All In all, the first night had mediocre success.

Over the course of the next day, I talked at length with a guy who said he would want to take me out that night. He honestly seems like a kind of an asshole.  His profile gets off douchebag vibes. He's incredibly condescending, won't hold a conversation unless he has the upper hand, I keep sending me links to Wikipedia articles  instead of Simply answering my questions. He said he was going to lunch with someone and that we can meet up afterwards. I told him I just wanted to go for a walk to look at all the leaves and take pictures to send to the People Back Home. he was acting really coy and aloof, so I didn't bring up sex or payment.  Insteadad, I meekly asked what we would be doing after the walk. He said dinner. I don't know if that meant dinner and sex  and therefore payment, or just dinner like some of these guys like to do. I took a nap and when I woke up, it was close to 6:00. Apparently his lunch had run that long and you changed his mind about seeing me.  he hasn't said anything to me today, so I guess I wasn't that interesting to him.

along with this guy, I'm at several other people that I added to my calendar. I texted so many guys my account was briefly marked as spam. All day Saturday was dedicated to catching up on sleep and chatting up These men. I tried to leave space at the end of the week, so they would actually have time to do things. but, so far, Sunday through Tuesday were completely booked.

but that's when I noticed how weird and clingy these men were. so many of them asked repeatedly to call me. I understand, this is a way to verify that the person you're talking to is real rather than a bot, but it is honestly unnerving to have an old man call you. I don't actually like these guys. I don't actually want to have a relationship with you. The men in A------ seem to understand that. they're not delusional that I actually like their profile because I liked them. especially if I had only been in A------ for a week. they would have never assumed that I wanted to be on the phone with him for an hour. Which is what happened with one guy. He was really insistent on us calling each other, kept saying it would only be a 5-minute long conversation. just a quick chat. Instead, he held me  captive on the phone for an hour.  I kept saying how I hadn't had dinner yet, how I needed to go, but he didn't care. It was also quite a difficult task trying to understand his accent over the grainy, disgusting sound of Bluetooth audio in the car.

He was the only one asking to talk, too.  There was a man who called me out of the blue, didn't even have to contact saved to my phone yet. He talked in a very creepy voice, very annoying, very nasally, also very condescending. These men are pretty awful at holding a conversation. the last few the most basic, small talk questions, then follow it up with the most explicit shit you've ever heard.  This man on the phone wanted to come over that night, which I wasn't opposed to, except that he wanted to only pay $140. Absolutely ridiculous. I offer 200. He said he would think about it.  It's now Sunday night and I haven't heard back from him.

it cost me $100 to get an Uber to my airbnb. The plan was to take the train from the airport, but the airplane got in too late. My flight was delayed because of the storm that was in A------.  so, I Won't Say I'm completely reliant on these men to actually enjoy my vacation, but I am getting quite stressed out that I haven't actually gotten anything accomplished yet. I want to go out and see the city, to go do things, to buy little things for my friends. instead, I've spent two full days here and haven't left the Airbnb. I used most of the last time money to get food and toiletries. I had two separate appointments scheduled for today. one very early on in the day. we had actually planned for last night, but I'm so far from everything. The Uber to get to him would have been $50. He said he could drive to my place this morning, but had to cancel at the last minute.  something about his kid and the baby mama…

I didn't ask because it was my business. I was nervous about meeting up with him, anyway. Unlike the men in A------,  most everyone around here seems to want to meet up for a whole afternoon. It's not like that time I was able to schedule three different appointments in one day. people here are loose, they don't give certain timelines, they want to spend the whole day together. which would be fine. if we were actually going out and doing things, actually being shown around, and I actually liked them, that's what I would want. if I was here with somebody I wanted, I would have come with… 

him

not only did he want to stay here for what seems like quite a long time and I had another appointment scheduled for that night, he was also a sub. so many of these old men are into the BDSM stuff. it's whatever. it doesn't matter that much to me. The thing is, even though I have switch in my profile, I'm not going to be one of these crazy dominatrixes that they expect. He was talking about tying into a chair, making him cry out in pain. That's not who I am. I can be dominant, I can take control of the situation, but I don't like people being in pain. I'd much rather see them in pleasure. I'd much rather hear that sigh or groan Escape their lips. feel them twitch and writhe underneath me. I don't mind grabbing them by the throat,  holding them down, pretending I ever had a fighting chance against them. I don't like the idea of hurting anyone, though.

He wanted to pay me $300.

I needed that $300.

My other appointment for  tonight also had to cancel.  He wants to see me all week, for hours at a time. He wants to pay me $250 a visit, but since he said that he wanted to visit me multiple times, maybe every single day, I said that was okay. If I only saw him four times, that would be $1,000 already. He had to cancel. He was hosting for some Canadians or something like that. said that whatever they were doing head around a little long and he couldn't get to me in time. it would be too late in the night for him. I guess I picked an interview that was way too far away for most people's liking. He said we can meet tomorrow.

and I had another appointment scheduled for tomorrow at noon. He canceled on me, too. too far away. I get it, but also I was relying on that. He wanted to give me $200. annoying, but reasonable. so at this point of my planning, I would have already had $550. Instead, I'm down to $20 in my bank account. The thought of calling up that guy who offered me $140 is very strong, but he really seemed like an asshole and I don't want to have my address. 

I haven't gotten the chance to do anything at all. to be fair, I did sleep  for a lot of the time these past few days. but I was incredibly tired. my other problem, though is that I'm broke as fuck right now.  if even one of these appointments had gone through, I could have done something. I could have just taken the train anywhere. I hate the feeling of wasting my vacation. I also have that tattoo scheduled for thursday. my paycheck comes through on wednesday, so that should be fine, but that's so long to wait. my vacation will almost be over by the time I have money again if none of these appointments work out. I want to cry. I don't necessarily like any of these men like I like a few of the guys in austin. At least in A----- I like talking to those guys.

which has been another incredibly stressful part of the situation. The guys from A------ are still texting me. because of course they are. That's kind of part of the deal. and I do like to talk to them. the problem is, there's just too many. There are so many people that I can't keep up with who's who. I mean, of course I know all the A------ men, but all of these B------ guys are getting confused and lost in my brain. and they're also clingy and they all want me to text them and call them immediately. they all want to go out on these long dates, actually do romantic shit. Again, if I had actually liked the guy and I was back in A------, that's what I would want, too.  but I want to explore the City by myself. I don't want to be held down by these old men and have to do what they want to do.

I mean, I wouldn't actually like to be by myself.

but he's not here and he doesn't like me.

so just forget about it.

it's better to be by myself.

The guy that talked to me for an hour on the phone kept asking me what I wanted to do in the city. every time you ask me, I would tell him that I really don't know. I don't know what's around the city, I don't know what's going on here.  I mentioned that I want to go to S----, but I'm waiting until after Halloween for that. I mentioned I want to go to an ice rink and he very helpfully informed me that those aren't open yet. apparently, even indoor ice rinks aren't open until it gets cold outside, which is fucking stupid if you ask me.  I brought my skates all the way up here for nothing. Besides, he seemed really annoyed that I even suggested going skating. Which is the whole thing. I don't want to go out and do all these old man things. I want to go out and do things I want to do. I would love to just go to a bar and fucking get wasted and make out with a pretty girl or something. something a 25 year old would do. Instead, I have to pretend like I'm into these old men. I have to pretend like they're the ones that are making me wet and not that I'm just always turned on. I have to sit there and sext with them  pretending to be interested in their boring ass conversation.  I don't mind sleeping with them. it's not my favorite. I would definitely prefer…

Some of them are bad at sex, anyway. Some of them are mean.  Most of them don't give a shit about how I'm enjoying myself. every single one has asked me to give them a blowjob which I fucking hate so much.  blowjobs are not fun to give. porn has completely ruined the men's perception of how much fun it is to give a blowjob.  What is fun, what actually turns me on and is actually a good part of sex, is when you really enjoy your partner's company. when you love every single inch of their body. when you  run your tongue along the shaft, slowly playing with the tip before putting your lips around it,  because you like to see the reaction it has on your partner's face. when I ran my fingers on the inside of his thigh,  hearing his breath Quicken and that little gasp,  the little kisses I would plant on delicate areas.

I'm going to make myself cry again. 

I think about him when I masturbate.

Sure, occasionally someone new enters the picture who really catches my fancy, but he's still always there.  whether I picture him at the beginning, then it changes to someone else at the end, vice versa, or when I'm incredibly horny and picture him and maybe another man teaming up to make me scream in pleasure. He's always there in some capacity.

I don't like to give blowjobs.

And he didn't ask me to.

I did it because I liked him.

because I like to watch him enjoy himself.

because I like to hear him enjoy himself.

because I like the fact that he enjoyed me. 

Total Earned: $1,800

Body Count: 8

Dick Pics: 10

Sex Ranking:

B------

Him

T-----

P------

R--

T------

D--

M---

[beelovesnct]

𝐚𝐢𝐤𝐨'𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐜𝐭 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦

**note: bold - english, regular - korean

LEE MARK

English buddy; there are very rare moments between the two that English won't be spoken.

Very casual around each other (given that both are foreigners), and usually address each other without the need for formalities.

Mark is always teased in the group, but for once he gets away with teasing Aiko, only receiving a death glare in return (in comparison to the other members who receive very harsh comebacks). Mark revels in this aspect of her favoritism but is careful in not crossing the line to make sure he never loses the privilege.

Goes to Aiko when the dreamies won't listen to him; observes that the members listen to (and fear) the girl more than him, and thus use her as a shield whenever the teasing becomes over the top.

Aiko usually responds in two ways: actually stop the teasing and protect the oldest member, or do nothing at all━the latter is more commonly observed much to Mark's dismay.

Aiko is also Mark's literature buddy.

It's known that Mark really likes to write poems, and so he goes to the bookworm for advice and critiques, and even recommendations for both Korean and English books whenever he feels inspired to read (both of them like to go over certain texts to turn into future rap lyrics).

Has moderate skin ships, which is most of the time, initiated by Mark. These are usually in the form of head and shoulder pats, and the occasional arm around the shoulder. Mark adores pinching Aiko's cheeks, but she gets annoyed with it quite easily, so he does that very rarely (only on the times he absolutely cannot stand her cuteness)

"Aiko! Aiko! Guess what I'm doing right now" "What?" "What am I doing right noooow?" "You're embarrassing me"

HUANG RENJUN

Savage besties;

Aiko's silence should never be taken for granted, as her words can be very sharp and deadly every time she would choose to speak up.

Of course, even her public teasings were nothing out of bounds, that's why Renjun and her get along so well in teasing other members.

She's the only member that Renjun actually hesitates to diss, but that doesn't mean she's excused to the tackles and chokeholds whenever he doesn't have a comeback to her smart mouth.

Haechan is in animated tears whenever these two team up against him.

As someone who deeply values literature, Aiko also appreciates the arts; hence, she and Renjun also bond over that aspect, and being creative in general—with moments of Renjun teaching Aiko how to paint, and Aiko giving beginner-friendly book recommendations to Renjun.

Rare skin ships: both Renjun and Aiko are not particularly fond of skin ships, so they rarely initiate anything to each other. Either of them only initiates when there is an apparent need, or the other feels especially clingy that day. When that happens, forehead or cheek kisses and side hugs are shared between the two. Renjun admits to pecking her beauty mark often [Vlive: 191201]

"Aiko" "What" "Why do you sleep so much?" "I rest so my voice doesn't crack"

LEE JENO

Jeno is Aiko's human charger.

Being an introverted person, the girl deeply values serenity, which is unsurprisingly something that is hard to obtain when you live with hyper and hormonal boys; Jeno, however, for Aiko, is the exception.

Jeno might be noisy when they play games and hang out as a group, but most of the time he also revels in serenity; hence, Aiko finds his companionship just what she needs whenever the other members get too rambunctious.

Often, she quietly sneaks into his room and either sits in his computer chair or lounges around his bed; the member doesn't mind as he, himself, appreciates the silent companionship the girl provides.

Sometimes, either will initiate a conversation with topics under the sun, but their voices are so quiet, one might think they were doing JMSR (Aiko has been a guest already because of this [JSMR])

Other times, Aiko would help Jeno get through a particularly hard level, or even boost his standings in online games; in fact, she's helped him so much that he now surpasses Haechan in most of the games that they play.

Moderate skin ship: Aiko had admitted that Jeno's hugs are the best, second only to Taeil [NCT Life: Entertainment Retreat 2017], and thus opts that Jeno is the only exception in her 'I hate skin ship rule'; but it doesn't necessarily mean she does it often. In the times that she feels the need for human touch, she can be seen to always initiate bear hugs under the excuse of 'needing to recharge', with Jeno complying immediately, adorned by his usual eye smile.

"Aiko" "Hmm?" "What are you reading?" "Norweigan Wood; why, do you want to read together?

LEE HAECHAN

In converse to Jeno, Aiko is Haechan's human charger.

Despite annoying the girl most of the time—especially when they play (and when he relentlessly ask her to do aegyo), much like the other members, he finds her silent companionship very calming and serene. He adores loudness but also doesn't mind the change of pace whenever he finds himself in the comfort of the Neko member.

Whenever the boy is not teasing Aiko, he can usually be found speaking to her in a soft voice, asking about her day and the books she read, and sometimes even talking about his own.

Haechan might not show it most of the time, but he appreciates the girl greatly; Aiko is one of the members he usually goes to whenever he needs advice or whenever he wants to calm down.

This is a four out of ten occurrence though, as most of the time, the older member is caught relentlessly teasing the Neko member, divulging himself in her witty comebacks.

He loves the reactions he gets from the girl, as he thought her facial expressions were absolutely adorable especially when she can't come up with a good response (her face gets all red and she even shouts at him).

He believes, in some way, he's the emotional punching bag that Aiko sometimes needs in her life.

Consistent skin ship: Usually initiated by Haechan, commonly rejected by Aiko. However, most of the time she's tired from prying the boy away, and thus just settle in his arms until he finally lets her go. All kinds of skinship are shared between the two: side hugs, bear hugs, intimate hugs, platonic kisses, and etc. It would seem as if Haechan could not get enough of the cat-like member, much like he can't get enough of Renjun.

"YAH! LEE HAECHAN!" "Why Aiko-nim, are you getting angry? Are you angry?"

NA JAEMIN

Aiko's caretaker

Despite being literally only three days apart, the boy has adopted Aiko as one of the members he has to take care of and acts as if she was part of the maknae line in dream.

Reprimands her gaming and eating habits; tries to feed her coriander (which is often slapped away), and cuddles Aiko to sleep (something she won't admit helps with her late sleeping habits; he gets kicked out of her room often though [Vlive 190816]).

Doesn't say anything about her quietness, as an introvert himself, he's deeply grateful that there's a source of quietness somewhere within the team.

Converse to Jeno, it would be Jaemin, who would often enter her room and simply lounge in her bed, both minding their own businesses. Conversations are spoken in small voices, but these are often short, as both would go back to what they were doing in the first place.

Aiko is Jaemin's official taster; since she's a picky eater, she is ruthless when it comes to feedback on his cooking, making his skills improve tenfold. They also bond over coffee!! Jaemin makes twice of his own mix now, after knowing that Aiko loves it just as much.

Helps Jaemin a lot when it comes to maintaining order within the dorms (something Jaemin admits he is eternally grateful for); despite being lazy, Aiko is a clean freak and thus helps Jaemin a lot in making sure the dorm doesn't end up like a landfill.

Consistent Skin ships: Jaemin treats Aiko like he would Jisung. This often means back and bear hugs and head pats. He admits that he loves just being close to her physically, as she reminds him of an old bookstore. Her smell calms him down, and so he often sticks his nose within the crook of her neck. Aiko often swats his affection away, but much like Haechan, she's slowly getting used to the boy's clinginess and simply waits until he got his daily source of physical touch.

"Aiko, come here." "Why" "Just…come here." "You're the one who asked for me, you come here."

ZHONG CHENLE

Aiko's second caretaker; acts as if he's older

The two members are very casual around each other (partially because they are both foreigners)━much like her relationship with Mark, and thus, find no need in using formalities.

Chenle only calls her, "noona" whenever he wants to tease her; which is ALL THE TIME by the way.

Second only to Haechan, Chenle is known to also tease the Neko member relentlessly, but his teasings are more tolerable in Aiko's book than Haechan's, and so she doesn't reprimand him as much (also because she sees him as a cute little brother).

Very fond of each other; Chenle adores Aiko entirely, much like he does with Mark, and calls her "cute" a lot. Chenle was actually was the one who invented the nickname, "Aiko-yangi" after noticing just how much the member's behavior greatly resembles that of a cat, fans pick up on it very soon after.

Plays a lot of games together!! Unlike Jeno, Chenle is a beast at games, so whenever the two team up━whether it was against random people online or their own members, they always dominated the leader board (much to Haechan's dismay)

Aiko goes to Chenle's house a lot! The main objective is always to play more games, but often it's because of Daegal too (animals just love Aiko so much). The girl has been a frequent visitor of his house to the point that she has her picture displayed in Chenle's room (just beside his picture with Mark).

Rare skin ships: Much like Renjun, Chenle is not one to openly initiate physical affection. It's not that he hates it, but it's not that he loves it that much either. Hence, skin ships with Aiko are often narrowed to cheek-pinching and head pats, although occasional bear hugs are conducted whenever the Chinese member finds Aiko too irresistible.

"Aigoo! Why is our Aiko so adorable? SO KYEOWO!" "Aiko, whose baby are you?" "My mom's baby." "You're my baby too!"

PARK JISUNG

Jisung is Aiko's baby, although her care for the maknae is usually more subtle and subdued in comparison to the rest of the members (something Jisung is eternally grateful for)

Aiko is often caught quietly looking out for the maknae: offers him food whenever she has some, fixes his hair and clothing whenever it goes out of place, and gives him the things he needs without ever asking for it.

It doesn't mean, however, that the Neko member won't openly fight anyone who violates the maknae;

Countless times, it could be seen that Aiko openly calls out fans who ask unreasonable things, such as showing his abs whilst knowing that the member is a minor.

In return, Jisung also looks out for his noona (calls her noona because of his immense respect for the girl)

He is caught helping her multiple times even in menial tasks such as reaching for the things she couldn't reach on her own, taking the punishments for her during reality shows (which often involved doing aegyo), or even offers his shoulder whenever he notices the girl getting sleepy.

Jisung LOVES being in her presence, as he is allowed to play and do whatever he wants without being disturbed. He loves his hyungs to death, but often, he finds himself wanting a quiet place━a quiet companionship, and he finds that in Aiko.

Whenever it's just the two of them, he talks to Aiko in a soft voice, and much like Jeno, their conversation could range from anything under the sun (but it often diverts to aliens and space as Aiko shares some of the stories she read from her books)

Recommended "The Little Prince" to Jisung, and he now claims it's one of his favorite books to date.

Moderate skin ship: It is a well-known fact that Jisung is not particularly fond of physical affection (partially due to being smothered by it his whole life), but Aiko, for him, is the exception. Of course, this doesn't mean that he consistently seeks out Aiko; but when he does, back hugs are his go-to physical affection. He feels as if Aiko fits just right (being the smallest out of all the NCT members), as he places his head on top of hers. Aiko usually doesn't swat Jisung away, given that he rarely asks for affection anyway. Other times, head and shoulder pats are the norm.

"Noona, do you want this?" "Noona, you have to try this." "Noona, let me fix that for you."

nct 127, wayv and nct u coming soon >< [GIFs not mine!!]

[finoalcielo]

SEPTEMBAR

☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

YORU: Tonight, I want to talk with you JORMUN: SeptemBar has opened! YORU: Today's guests are~ JORMUN: Two people who couldn't get into their own account are here to commemorate with us! Welcome! SHIKI: I heard we can drink sake here. SHU: Good evening. YORU: Welcome!

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

YORU: Here's a snack to go along with it (#Squid Ring). JORMUN: We tried to make it high-class. SHU: It certainly is. YORU: It's an honor to have such busy people come. SHIKI: No... we can't get into our account (※), so I thought of making use of this time effectively by popping here and there. JORMUN: A parasitism formed because of your restriction. ※SQ Official Account is temporarily restricted

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

YORU: Uhm. Is it okay to ask? Exactly what did you do to have your account locked...? SHU: Those are some great eyes you're looking at us with. Shiki... SHIKI: Don't just casually blame others. I didn't do anything. Absolutely nothing. Officials accounts are different from personal accounts. Publicity, sales, and more is done on a single account but many people can access it, right?

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHIKI: So, many people can log in using computers and phones, but it seems that double authentication was enabled for it (recommended for security purposes). I was asked to enter the verification code that was sent to my phone... but I didn't receive that code.

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHU: We searched about it everywhere and even removed the spam mail option and also asked for help but there hasn't been any progress. SHIKI: When I looked it up online, apparently a lot of people are in the same situation. Well, Twitter is in the first place a medium that we can use for free, so we aren't really the so-called "customers".

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHIKI: Though we're waiting patiently, it's hard for us to promote and do our activities, so I'm wondering if we should just make another account from scratch (Thank you for everything, Twitter) SHU: It's hard being a vagabond. SHIKI: By the way, this guy isn't as patient for this, but me? I can do this for another 3 years. I can live anywhere.

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

YORU: I've thought about this before too... but Shiki-san is kind of resilient, isn't he? SHU: That's right! JORMUN: A man who gets drunks with mineral water (a non-drinker who is the happy type after drunk) has appeared! SHU: Shiki, where do you get your strengths from? SHIKI: Nagano. JORMUN: Nagano trains people from the demon realm...

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHU: Nagano's normal is strange. YORU: Nagano's reputation is being damaged because of such misinformation (Love Nagano) SHIKI: No, no. It's not limited to Nagano. In nature, you learn that there's only so much a person can do. After about 2-3 disasters, you're trained. JORMUN: Something else is being trained.

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHIKI: Besides, I'm not really strong. I'm weak and unskilled and I can't really let go of "myself". I think those who can respond on the spot are the strong ones. Like they're confident that they won't falter regardless of what happens. YORU: Ahh... I feel like I can understand..

#SeptemBar

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

YORU: I'm also said to be stubborn. I think it's a part of my personality but to remove that perception others have of me, I would have to change myself. However, it's quite difficult (wry smile). SHU: I also contemplate about that. YORU: Eh, but you have the image of being able to respond on the spot...

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHU: I'm... Well yes, but I'm the type to think about it later too. Even after time passes, I'll still wonder whether that was the right response or not. It's like I'm obsessed about it and can't let go. SHIKI: Being able to hide it neatly is praiseworthy but it's also a weakness that should be managed (bitter smile).

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

JORMUN: Well, everything in the world has two sides to it. If you're stubborn, then you'll hold on things firmly. But if you feel regretful then you can replace it with some other deep emotions. Having said that, we still have to socialize and work, and I want to be successful for anything. As myself.

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☆ SEPTEMBAR ☆

SHU: Well, that's true. I want to be able to do my best to make as few mistakes as possible. SHIKI: Jormun, cheers. JORMUN: Yeah! Cheers! YORU: Jormun can toast, huh... JORMUN: By the way this is Cal〇s (my favorite from this world) YORU: Cute. T/N: It's most likely referring to Calpis which is an uncarbonated soft drink.

#SeptemBar

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[vivdunye]

present day, present time

and you don't seem to understand

fabled adages of science

so i was watching the snyder cut of justice league the other morning, i couldn't really begin to tell you why other than i needed 4 hours of background noise . but i tuned in at one point when the fictional super Israeli, wonder woman, narrated a scene explaining an alien technology "that was so advanced that it almost seemed like sorcery", and wouldn't yknow, that's a real concept actually, i recognized it immediately as clark's third law:

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

it's perhaps the most well known and oft quoted of the three, but i always felt like arthur c. clark's first 2 laws don't ever get quite enough love . i've been thinking heavily about the first law lately:

When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

i've been thinking about it in relation to this one quote from wernher von braun that i always liked:

Nature does not know extinction; all it knows is transformation. Everything science has taught me, and continues to teach me, strengthens my belief in the continuity of our spiritual existence after death.

many people are afraid of death; of ceasing the awareness of life, because they don't know what will happen to themselves after, where do they go if anywhere? it's much more nebulous in the secular sense if you haven't a construct for the afterlife already . i've been thinking about death more and more often lately to a worrying degree . however, scientific thought for all its clinical detachment from all things spiritual has strangely enough always felt like the perfect module for contemplating the metaphysical . so i decided to do some research .

i want to recall right now thomas edison's first intended use for the phonograph . edison had originally envisioned the phonograph primarily as a means of preserving the voices of loved ones after death . he later went on to try and develop a "ghost box" or "spiritphone" . this device would allow humans to communicate directly with the dead . he was unsuccessful .

if hauntology has taught us anything, we technically do have ghost boxes now, but maybe not in the way edison intended or even predicted . we carry them everywhere and can check them anytime, channeling messages through them constantly . we actively become digital ghosts, online we are both present and absent . the present implodes with the past, we've over-documented everything so now we can experience an instant nostalgia . today's future becomes archaic, we live in the archive to try and remember what the future once was .

'haunted' and 'futuristic' become one and the same .

by this token i'm reminded also by transhumanism . as the technological singularity fast approaches, as progress charges forward at a constantly increasing speed, current estimates posit the 2040s as the point in which technological improvements will occur at a constantly self-replicating rate . in the time between now and then, transhumanism and the eventual merging of human consciousness with machinery are theorized outcomes of technological progress . one day we might be able to leave the shackles of our human bodies and transcend our physical forms as a joined digital consciousness .

and in relation to this i also think now of clark's second law

The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.

through the wired

this is the stage on which the anime Serial Experiments Lain is set . a story, that while constructed on the patchwork of fiction, is nevertheless symbolic of certain phenomena based in reality .

also i apologize if it wasn't apparent that this post was going to be about Lain . im lainposting boys

the first few episodes exist to misdirect the viewer right from the beginning . and only by returning to these episodes having thought through the rest of the show, does their purpose become clear . the first episode, aptly titled "Layer 01: Weird" , is meant to show us exactly one thing, that lain is fucking weird . we can't tell what she's thinking, we can't tell what she's doing, and that's exactly how everyone around her feels . lain is totally and completely disconnected, she doesn't keep up with current events at school, she doesn't communicate with her family, near as we can tell she has no actual interests besides her stuffed animals and totally phasing out of reality. the inciting incident of the series happens when someone tries to make a connection with lain, and that person happens to be dead...

or at least there body is dead, their consciousness seems to have escaped into the wired . lain's decision to pursue this connection is what lead's her to ask her father for a new navi (the series' name for a personal computer) and that's all that really happens in this episode . coming back to it from later episodes we know that lain is probably thinking a lot throughout this episode . the decision to not entreat us to any of her thoughts is intentional, it is to make us feel distant from her as viewers, the same way that the world around her is distant . as lain forms connections throughout the series, so too, will we form a connection with her .

we do not know how much time has passed since then and the second episode, but whatever has happened lain has already developed a significant presence in the wired . this episode is tricky in its presentation as it doesn't make us privy to which things lain is lying about and which things she's honest about . in it we have lain talking to someone on her navi, she types sporadically in an encrypted language, and someone who looks just like her appears late one night in a night club downtown . while lain won't admit it to her classmates it's apparent at the end of the episode that it was her at the club all along . the key to understanding her actions throughout the episode is to realize she is trying to keep her existence in the wired and her existence in reality as separate entities . the realization she has by the end of the episode, which she uses to terrify a gunmen into suicide is that there is no escape from the wired, no matter where you are you are always connected .

made in the late-90s, Lain was quite ahead of its time . it predicted not only how in the early 2000s the internet would be regarded as a separate world where anonymity and personas reigned—it also predicted how the internet would eventually and inevitably overlap with the real world, once people in the real world realized that the internet is the real world . people have a tendency to see one part of themselves as their "true selves", whereas the parts they show to others are personas, they think of these things as separate when in reality a person is an amalgamation of all of their personas . lain tries to change her personas by dressing and acting differently from when she's in the wired-mode and in normal-mode, but she doesn't realize how people have been doing this way before the wired existed . her classmates are all 15 but they all pass for adults when they've dolled up and hit the club . if the characters in the show seem a bit young for their attitudes then you may not have met enough tech-savvy teenagers before . the purpose of this episode is to ultimately to prove to lain that the so-called real world and the wired are merely two layers of one reality, which couldn't be more true of the world today .

let there be light300pMTK. .

in mythology, psyche was the mortal princess who fell in love with and, eventually, married the god cupid; in religion and classical philosophy, psyche came to mean the human soul, and in the modern, literate world, it retains that meaning as the human spirit; in freudian analysis, psyche refers to the totality of the human mind: the id, ego and superego .

every meaning of psyche is distinctly human: a human princess who achieves godhood, the soul or mind of an individual . if previous episodes introduced the blurring of the real world with the wired, then episode three; "Layer 03: Psyche" is the episode that starts to blur human identity online and offline . one doesn’t even have to venture into the wired to ask what is human .

by this point we know that lain is definitely up to something . at this stage it's hard to tell what, but all we get are little glimpses into her actions . she still seems to be hiding a lot from the world around her and from the viewer in turn . ironically, lain's blank-faced silence and response to the questions of those around her it's own incrimination . when a police officer tells her to speak up (regarding the gunman's suicide) even if she had nothing to do with it, he doesn't realize she's being silent precisely because she does have something to do with it . but her deer-in-the-headlights persona gets her out of it .

the lain of the wired and the lain of reality are slowly starting to mesh into one whole . it remains difficult to interpret the physical existence of "other lain" so to speak, and the show refuses to outright show her playing that character . at the least, we do get to see lain access the wired in all its chaotic glory and she does begin to take an active interest in expanding her knowledge as she learns about and installs the "Psyche drive", a computer circuit that lain procures in hopes of it enhancing her computer's processing power . on the smaller scale, when lain applies the psyche processor to her navi, she is installing a spirit or soul, an animating element, to her machine . notably, the psyche does not replace the main processor; psyche augments the main processor, interpreting the data that flows through it . the soul is not simply the brain, it is an elevated consciousness or meta-self. by this point in the series lines become blurred and the lains begin to merge (hehe) . all of this is set against the backdrop of lain trying to decide if she should remain in the physical world or fully integrate in the wired . she hears one voice telling her that death feels amazing, and god exists in the wired, that there is nothing left for lain in this world . however, lain begins to establish a connection with her classmate alice, saying her name out loud and commiting it to memory for the first time, alice asks why her friends are not more shaken up after watching someone shoot himself in the head the previous day . it's almost as though lain is clinging to alice as an excuse to stay in the physical world out of fear for changing over . this all sets the seeds for what eventually grows throughout the series .

i want to recall the final meaning of the word “psyche". that the word also meant “butterfly,” which is how the greeks imagined the soul to appear . no doubt the symbolism of a creature that begins as one thing and transforms into another is not lost on us here .

every event serves to emphasize the existence of one's own personal reality, and as individuals from all others, we desire a place to belong . however that too is an egotistical concept . in order for there to be a mutual understanding, it is necessary to recognize here and now, like the brain synapses, we are all—in a logical yet chaotic manner—connected .

each is seperate—yet they are one . by connecting, humanity gains first awareness of its function as a seed . and by connecting a human no longer remains a mere endpoint, a "terminus", but becomes a junction to another point, having won the right to continue itself . in a sense, the ability to connect is the ability to continue . this not only applies to the connection of axial coordinates but temporal coordinates as well . therefore, at the time when a conscious, intentional connection is made, surely the dead will rise from there intended place, appearing at the time coordinate of the connection's origin .

in that moment, the realization will dawn that the time in which we inhabit our physical bodies is but the starting point of the connection, and the very meaning of possessing a physical body might be questioned .

we recognize we are connected .

serialize thyself .