#apparently he made some of the songs that ended up in the game melatonin

[catboywizard]

this is the second year in a row that i think a different song should be my #1 but it didn’t count bc they stop keeping track after halloween 😅

[jawnjendes]

i’m good at keeping my distance | shawn mendes

chapter 3/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: its a filler. its also an insight to shawn’s thoughts on this situation. let me know if you want something specific to happen in this fic and ill consider it. let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist coming soon

About 4 months ago.

Shawn made a point to wake up before Ann every morning since her surgery. When she was still in the hospital, he wanted to make sure that he was the first thing she saw when she woke up, that she knew he wasn’t going to leave her side. As much as she tried to hide it, Ann was a little more than disgruntled about the whole situation. Shawn had to be there for her and really step it up.

Now, post-hospital and post-surgery, Shawn found himself waking up earlier than he had to. Some of that reasoning had to do with some rather annoying nightmares that haunted his sleep every night, but he wanted to be awake now anyway. Seven thirty seemed like a good time to start the day. Shawn would go to the gym on days like these, but he wouldn’t dare leave Ann by herself with fresh cuts on her body. She couldn’t even sit up on her own.

During the time Shawn had by himself, he really didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t attempt to prepare a nice breakfast because Ann’s current diet was very strict and limited. It really pained him to see her so upset about eating the same rice, soup, or pasta everyday. It sucked to see her lack in other nutrients. She was supposed to be getting better, but she was just dropping weight like flies. Anyway, her mother prepared enough white rice to last them a lifetime during her visit the other week, so it’s not like they were going hungry here.

He couldn’t play guitar or sing either during this alone time. He couldn’t disturb Ann’s much needed rest. Not to mention, the makeshift recording studio in the spare room was full to the brim with her boxes. Shawn wanted to unpack them for her. In fact, he stood in front of that doorway every morning, looking at all of the cardboard boxes and trying not to look through all of them. He glumly remembered Ann reminding him that this arrangement was only temporary. Only 3 months of living together, and then she would move back to campus. Apparently, that was the only option.

He really didn’t understand her sometimes, but he loved her anyway.

The sound of Ann’s phone alarm went off at ten thirty every day, and each day, Shawn went back into the room to see her. He usually stood by the doorway and waited for the loud Little Mix song to cut off before going in, but it was on five seconds longer than normal. Ann was always quick to shut off her alarm, no matter how deeply she was sleeping.

Five measly little seconds was enough to make Shawn practically burst through the door, his heart and mind going from zero to a hundred. He saw Ann lying on the bed, just like she had fallen asleep last night. His eyes quickly scanned her body, looking for any sign of… well, whatever he saw in his dreams last night. But there was no blood, no hint of pain on Ann’s thin face. Definitely no screaming. She lied on her back, arms at her side, her head turned and staring out the window.

Her phone was still blaring the alarm song, so Shawn went over and grabbed it off the nightstand. He dismissed the sound and peered down at his girlfriend. She made no noise or movement. She didn’t acknowledge Shawn or the sudden silence in the room.

“Morning,” he greeted, reaching for her hand.

Upon feeling their skin touch, Ann moved her hand to her belly. She remained staring out the window.

Confused, Shawn walked around to the other side of the bed to look at her face. Ann simply turned her head to the opposite side of the room. What the hell?

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Shawn gently asked, crawling onto the empty space on the bed. He moved strands of hair behind her ear, only for her to tense her shoulder.

A certain strain pulled at his heartstrings as it finally dawned on him. Ann usually played video games when she was feeling this way, but she couldn’t get up and do that. On top of that, she was physically stoic from her surgery, and she couldn’t stay like that. She spent enough time lying in bed the last two weeks, and she would hardly participate in doing the minor muscle exercises as instructed by the nurse.

“Let’s go for a walk, eh?” Shawn suggested, hopping off the mattress and moving to Ann’s side of the bed. “Come on, we need to get you up and moving.”

He gave Ann a few seconds to reach for her hands herself, but she remained still. With a heavy sigh, Shawn bent down to wrap his arms around her waist, not liking this anymore than she did. A couple of days ago, Ann complained that she felt like a helpless child when she had to get out of bed or stand up from the couch. Of course, Shawn hated every moment his Ann wasn’t happy, but there was no choice here. He barely got one arm under her waist, but then he felt a pressure on his stomach. “Oh…”

Ann didn’t hit him, she only placed her fist between herself and the guy who only wanted to help her. Shawn easily could have moved her arm away and forcibly sat her up, but the message was clear. Ann did not want to be bothered today.

“You need to get up,” Shawn tried again in a weak voice, still hovering over her. He moved her hair from her neck and cupped her face. “Please…”

Her empty brown eyes flickered with something at the touch. It was almost like she was actually awake now. Maybe she remembered how comforting it was to be held like this. She finally met Shawn’s gaze, slowly bringing her hand up to close around his wrist.

Shawn let out a small sigh of relief, only to be disappointed again. Ann pushed his hand away and resumed staring out the window. The shattering of his heart could almost be heard in the tense room. He was at a loss here.

“Fine,” he said coldly, turning on his heel. “It’s your health, not mine.”

Present day.

“So did you end up getting her out of bed?” asked Callie as she wrote on her clipboard.

“Yes,” Shawn replied, staring down at the tiny coffee table between him and the shrink. “I called my mom, because I didn’t know what else to do. Ann listened to her with no hesitation.”

“It’s hard isn’t it?” Callie said. “It’s very hard trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It just feels like they’re against you.”

Shawn nodded. He liked this woman, he liked therapy. He looked into her wise, green eyes and knew he could spill everything out no matter how messy it was. “I thought I would be able to do more for her after she was out of the hospital, but it just felt like I was never doing enough. I mean, she came around, and not everyday was like that one. It just really hurt when she got moody and quiet.”

Callie pushed a strand of blonde hair out of her face as she jotted down more notes. “Of course it hurts, she’s your girlfriend. It’s never easy seeing the one you love be in so much pain. And it’s just as hard for you, because you witnessed her going into shock.”

There wasn’t anything like the fear that struck Shawn’s chest on that day. He didn’t even have the words to describe the sight of his Annalise slipping out of reality. It was a real life nightmare, and it was a nightmare that still haunted his sleep. At least in the real world, she was still alive.

He tells the shrink just as much.

“Yes, she is alive and well now,” Callie told him. “That being said, as traumatic as it was for you see her go through all of this, it’s important to remember that it’s just as traumatic for her as well. I’m not diagnosing her with anything - I haven’t seen her in ages - but her silence and moodiness could allude to things she may still be processing.”

That wasn’t hard to figure out. Shawn knew Ann was dark and twisty sometimes, but she had been doing well with letting go of certain things prior to her hospital stay. After that, it was like something had changed in her. Something changed in Shawn too, but it was more obvious since he was yelling in his sleep. He brought that up to Callie.

“Maybe two or three times a week, I sleep normally. I still have alarms set for when the terrors come, and I usually wake up before anything can happen. But for the most part, I still have bad dreams.”

“Well, it’s an improvement. You made a lot of progress in the last three months. Very fast progress, if you ask me. You’re doing well, Shawn.” Callie smiled, emphasizing the laugh lines on the corners of her eyes.

It was true because Shawn wasn’t as anxious to fall asleep anymore. If he was, he popped a melatonin to take the edge off. He knew how to combat his nightmares, both in sleep and through talk therapy. Really, the only thing bothering him now was the separation thing.

He really didn’t understand Ann’s thought process sometimes.

There wasn’t any time to get into it this session, though. Shawn thanked Callie like he did every week and left her office. There was always a heavy weight pressing on his chest when he finished therapy, but that’s what came with practically stealing your girlfriend’s therapist. It’s also  what came with processing the not-so-pleasant feelings. Besides, it was helping Shawn crank out a new song.

The unwritten chords of this song were stuck in his head as he drove back to his place. It was kind of annoying that Shawn couldn’t pull this song up on his phone and blast it through the speakers. He would be able to soon enough, though.

Shawn got back to his place with the intention of picking up his guitar and playing to his heart’s content, but upon entering his room, he got a little distracted. His eyes trailed down to a piece of black lace on the floor. The pile was too large to be underwear, but it still made Shawn blush. He stepped over and picked up the material, unfolding it. Ann would surely miss her long lace cardigan, she’d have to come back for it.

She hadn’t spoken to him since the check in, and that was quite the low blow. Just remembering how it all went down burned out the yearning and caused him to drop the cardigan and kick it under the bed. Ann really had the nerve to preach about not leaving after sex, and look what she had done. She was so goddamn afraid that Shawn was just using her for the entirety of their relationship, and even explicitly accused him of doing so a few times. Then, she turned around and left him in the dust. She did the one thing she was afraid of happening to herself. Worst of all, she did it to someone who actually gives a fuck about her.

Shawn certainly understood why she never wanted him to go. It fucking sucks waking up alone after you thought everything was okay. It fucking sucks being played like that.

He took a deep breath and went to pick up the cardigan again. He could still smell Ann on the fabric, and it made him miss her. Lying down on the bed, he put the lace over his face and stayed like that for a moment. Then, he sat up again and pulled his phone out of his pocket, typing out an impulsive text and already knowing how it was going to go.

“Can I see you again?”

God, it felt like he was texting a former one night stand. This was his fucking girlfriend, how did it get so messy and complicated? Shawn scrolled backwards in their conversation, shaking his head at all the most recent texts he sent that she ignored. He went further back, pausing at a conversation from July 15.

Shawn couldn’t remember what brain fart caused him to send, “Would u still love me if i gave myself those super thin and angry goth eyebrows??”

“No.” Ann was always short with her texts.

“Would you still love me if a became a goth too?”

“No.”

Shawn sent her a sad face.

“Lol ily you idiot. you’re cute sometimes.”

“Im cute all the time!! I’m babey remember?”

“I never should have called you babey. look at you. you’re too powerful now.”

He scrolled a little further to July 28. Shawn sent a picture of purple pansies he had been arranging for work. “These also come in black, did you know? 😊”

Ann replied with one word: “Cute.” The next text was sent an hour later. “I’m off early n getting food. What you wanna eat bb”

Shawn simply sent back, “😏”

The next set of texts were on August 8. Ann had sent a selfie that still made Shawn’s heart race. It was a selfie, and she had made her low cut blouse the center of attention. “Missing you birthday boy🖤"

He had sent back a mirror selfie in just his briefs. Shawn would have cringed at the self from just over a month ago, but it’s what got Ann to leave work early. He almost smiled, remembering just how lucky he got that day. In the same moment, Shawn recalled how unlucky they both were the very next day, and the heavy feeling in his chest came back.

He always tried to be his best for Ann, because she deserved nothing but the absolute best. But he’s lied to her before, he’s hurt her, he took her therapist away from her, and then he wasn’t there for her. He was surprised that Ann only wanted a break instead of a breakup. There was still a part of him deep down that was terrified she was going to call it quits altogether. It could be any day now, and as much as Shawn tried to prepare himself for that, he really didn’t know what he would do if it got to that point. He’s only just realized he was past the “I love you” and delving into the “I’m so in love you” part of things. Maybe Ann didn’t feel the same way...

Suddenly, his phone dinged, and an arrow pointed down, indicating a new message. His heart pounding, Shawn rapidly scrolled back down and breathed out, a tiny smile creeping up the corners of his mouth.

“Check in is every 2 weeks babe😘”

Honestly, he was just glad he wasn’t left on read again. He was even more glad that the check in had a whole other meaning now too.

~

Annalise had never been so conflicted in her life. In the past, she only ever felt shame over constantly having meaningless sex with people she knew were not good for her. But Shawn was good. He was kind and radiant and also her fucking boyfriend. Somehow, Annalise managed to keep her own boyfriend strung along during their separation.

It wasn’t one of their rules, but hooking up wasn’t supposed to happen. This was a separation. Not a break up, not a break. Separation. Technically, they weren’t supposed to text as much as they were, but Shawn had refused to participate if he couldn’t contact her at all, so they made it a rule: Don’t be a stranger. She allowed him to text her, but she did not allow herself to give a proper reply.

Another rule was No dates. That was for obvious reasons. The same goes for No seeing other people.

The Check in every 2 weeks rule was… disastrous. But also so, so good. If she wasn’t so busy, Annalise would have been at Shawn’s place more often.

Thankfully, she could keep herself busy with work, even though her hours were cut due to the semester starting. School was more demanding, given that she had to repeat Biology class and get more of her credits through electives like Abnormal Psych and Adolescent Psych. She didn’t see Shawn at the science building anymore, maybe he had a schedule change - but she did see his newest tiny friend. This tiny friend joined a club, and Annalise found out when she entered one of the rooms in the communications building on a Wednesday evening.

Her stomach dropped down to her butt as she saw Alessia sitting between Jared and Patrick, already deep in a conversation with them, the other Frats listening to whatever she had to say. She probably got the idea to join the club after she talked with Patrick that one time, and Annalise didn’t really know how to feel about that. Didn’t this girl have every single class with Shawn? What if he just waltzed in and made himself part of the club too?

Bratty as it seems, this was Annalise’s thing. Gaming was her time away from the world, despite playing with other people most of the time.

Annalise kept herself composed as she joined the group, taking the seat next to Patrick like always, nodding her head as a greeting. She noticed Alessia look at her, but nothing was said. Annalise was the last one to join, so the meeting began.

“Okay, welcome everyone,” Josh greeted, fixing the collar on his white polo shirt. “As you can see, we have a new member. Alex, right?”

“Alessia,” she corrected.

Josh hummed. “My apologies. So what games do you play?”

“Uh… I just started Sonic Forces,” she replied, offering a smile.

Paul chuckled. “Anything else? Fortnite? Zelda? Apex?”

Here we go. The Nice Guys were doing it again. Annalise rolled her eyes. And they wondered why more girls wouldn’t join the club.

“Well, I’m still new to the video game world,” Alessia said, “I haven’t really played much of anything. I have played a Zelda game, though.”

“Fair enough,” Josh said, though he seemed a bit patronizing. “Was it Breath of the Wild? That’s what everyone plays, while there’s so many other Zelda games out there.”

“Uh… yeah. I started that on the PC.”

Josh and Paul shared a look, like they were both amused by something. The rest of the guys were silent.

“So how far did you get in the game? Got the Paraglider?” Paul asked her.

“Did you get off the plateau?” Josh added. “Do you even know the Legend of Zelda timeline and where that game lies?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Annalise had enough of this.

“Leave her alone,” she snapped, leaning forward in her seat to properly look at the two boys. “Don’t act like you weren’t novices at one point! You’re not superior for not liking the mainstream games everyone else does. All you guys play is Fortnite, which uh, everyone plays! Oh, and both Sonic Forces and Breath of the Wild were fucking awesome games! Stop trying to make her feel bad for being in the club!”

It was silent. The Frats had nothing to say on the topic. Patrick merely slouched in his seat, but he lightly nodded at everyone Annalise had said. Alessia gave her a weak smile and a nod of gratitude. No, Annalise wasn’t exactly a fan of hers, but she lived to defend other women in situations like these.

Josh, now flushed with red, changed the subject to the Bart adventure that was yet to come. He also brought up the Fortnite idea again, to which most of the group denied. At this point, it was done out of spite.

Annalise was the first one out the door as soon as the meeting ended. She had her phone in hand, clearing three new messages she had received from Shawn as she walked down the steps, through the lobby, and out onto the walkway. She didn’t see someone follow her, so she jumped when a hand landed on her upper arm.

“Oh, shit!” she cursed, thrashing her arm away from the touch. She turned around to find the culprit, clutching her book bag to her body.

It was only Alessia, who had a frantic, apologetic look on her face. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!”

Annalise took in a slow breath, composing herself. “You’re good, it’s all good. Um, what’s up?”

“Can I walk with you?” she asked, playing with the straps on her backpack.

“Sure.”

The two girls strolled down the walkway in the dark. Annalise was weary for reasons not having to do with being alone and vulnerable outside after dark. Would it be weird to casually bust out her pocket knife and hide it in her sleeve?

“So, thanks for what you said back there,” Alessia began. “I didn’t know there was a pop quiz for new club members.”

“Josh and Paul are assholes sometimes,” Annalise replied meekly. “They did the same thing to me when I joined, and nobody stood up for me.”

“Well, I appreciate it. Especially because I know you don’t like me.”

Annalise scrunched her brow. She shouldn’t have been surprised at that statement because it wasn’t the first time she had heard something like that. Her naturally neutral face and dark appearance seemed to ward off others, and she wasn’t one for constantly smiling unless she was working. She was by no means a ray of sunshine upon first impressions, or even after that. Besides, she had only spoken to this girl once in her life.

But she’s spoken to Shawn, and who knows what he said about his not-girlfriend.

“What makes you think I don’t like you?” she asked, slowing her steps.

Alessia hesitated. “Uh… ‘cause I’m always around your mans?”

“Is that a question, or are you telling me?”

“Uh, no, I just thought-”

“He has a lot of friends, of course he does. Have you met him? He’s kind and wonderful, of course people like him! Anyway, none of his friends are exactly threatening, you included. I just don’t know you, my dear.”

Alessia nodded, her face flushing. “Oh, right. ‘Cause I’m new and all.” She chuckled nervously. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t want you getting the wrong idea. Shawn and I are singing and writing together, I wasn’t sure if that was a problem for you.”

What kind of girl does she think Annalise is? What kind of jealous, insecure girlfriend did Shawn make her out to be? Why would Alessia bring up Shawn if not to dangle him in his not-girlfriend’s face? Why would she plant such a seed in her head like that?

Annalise finally stopped in her tracks and turned to the much shorter girl. She practically towered over her thanks to her platform sneakers. Alessia’s eyes were wide, visibly nervous.

“Listen, I typically don’t have any reason to believe my boyfriend would try anything he’s not supposed to. I trust him, or whatever. You, on the other hand… It’s like I said, I don’t know you. All I ask is that you do not give me any reason to be suspicious.”

Alessia gulped and nodded. “That’s, that’s what I was trying-”

Annalise held up a finger to stop her. “No, no. People who are doing suspicious things are the ones who say they’re not doing any suspicious things.”

“I, I was telling you the truth! I would never-”

“Well, I don’t know you! So you could be telling the truth, but you could also be lying to throw me off. Anyway, if I find out something suspicious is going on…” Annalise paused. Why? She was being just a little dramatic. “I’m killing Shawn because he’s the one in a relationship.”

The two pairs of eyes remained in a staredown until Alessia took a step back and looked at her feet. The corner of Annalise’s mouth twitched, feeling triumph for a fleeting moment. The silence was just long enough to make her realize just how fucking crazy she went.

“Don’t look so scared,” she said, keeping up the intimidating facade. “You won’t be the one dying. Besides, I’m joking anyway. I don’t think there’s anything suspicious happening. You seem like an okay person.”

Annalise just knew that this girl was going to run and tell Shawn about this little conversation. Maybe that would show him that she was still into this… as if Annalise didn’t fuck him a few days ago.

_______

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