#apparently all the preceptors are nice as well so fingers crossed

[prince-liest]

I'm starting my four week Emergency Medicine rotation today, and:

my first two shifts are from 4pm to 2am, which doubly sucks because 1) I am a morning person whose brain turns off after 8pm (alien concept, I know, sorry) and also 2) it means I still couldn't sleep past 7:30am so the whole day my brain has been stuck in a permanent state of "waiting"

that said, I traded all my overnight ends-at-6am shifts to my night owl friend's early morning shifts because waking up at 4:30am is preferable for me and I have no other evening shifts after these two, so that'll at least be over with quick

ALL of the shifts are either 10 or 12 hours, it's a 1 hour drive ONE WAY to get to the hospital, plus our school didn't put "feed the students" into the fucking contract so I have to pack a lunch or pay for the caf which, like, I am good at meal prepping, but it's still annoying. also no actual protected lunch break, just eating at the computer real quick. again, twelve hour shifts.

anyway, all of that is to say that everybody please expect a drastic slowdown in my ability to write fic and answer comments because I'm gonna be spending 12-14 hours a day not at home, hahahaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA qq

But, hey, at least after that it's gonna be much more chill 2 months until graduation! This is literally the only thing I'm doing in the second half of fourth year that requires effort. Love this part of medical school.

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

care to elaborate on your statement?  kinda tough to tell how you took it.  i hope you didn’t take it negatively.  that wasn’t my intent.  i prolly could have said worse when explaining things and what i see/feel but i tried to keep it as level as i could without letting the biased side in me point out all the negative/toxic things i see/feel that is wrong there.  i can be unbiased and object for your sake in order to talk things through with you.  but you know how i feel and what is my end goal and of course i’m going to always try to give you the best chance in reaching/achieving what it is that desire in your heart and mind.  

so...any chance i steal you away for a kiss? :P  just being true to what my heart wants/desires and i figure i take a chance...*shrug*  i mean, like i say in most other scenarios, worst thing you can do is say no, nothing happens, and i/we are right back with what we started with.  good/best case, you entertain the idea and possibly reach out to me.  you know, dreamers gonna dream...but actions influences reality with the possibility of making those dreams come true.  heck...look what we’ve been able to create together when all this started with just taking a chance...*ws*

i’m thinking you prolly have a lot to think about and maybe reassessing your situation there and within yourself after what i wrote out.  i’m guessing that’s the reason for the one and done statement.  it’s okay.  i know if things were different, we’d have the chance to have a fluid back and forth and we’d be able to figure things out together.  i feel/know that you may be timid and scared but i also know that you are a different person than you were at the beginning of this year.  i know you are still a work in progress but if i’m being truthful...i don’t see him or that situation giving you the best chance to achieve what you want and helping you reach your full potential.  i’ know you’ve shied away from those words and have sometimes felt that people were pushing before you felt you were ready.  that’s not where i’m coming from.  i saw glimpses of it even before i knew your name.  i did admire you from afar and what i liked about you was your humble low key confidence.  from the moment i knew of you to today, when i say i want you to reach your full potential, it’s not to push or antagonize you to do it but more of a supportive role in wanting it as much as you do and to help you reach it. 

i know that he’s said that i’d be better for you.  i don’t know where he was coming from when i said it or how many times he may have thrown that or me into your face.  if it was out of pity for himself, out of spite and anger for me, or from a glimmer of truth he didn’t want to accept, i don’t know.  without sounding like a conceited asshole, i agree with that statement.  the thing is, he may have said it but i don’t think he fully realizes the depths as to why i feel/know that statement to be true.  he may have pointed out reasons but i don’t think the reasons he’s given touches on the actual reality of that statement.  i know in my heart that with all the reasons he may have given, there is more to it than that, and i know you know it too.  he may have somewhat of a grasp of what we are but i don’t think he will ever know the depths and magnitude of what we truly are. we have a past t0o, although not as long, but fiercely connected to the point that we still are what we are today, despite what is going on there.   i can’t discount your past with him because i know i can’t touch that nor will i even try.  but i’m not talking about living for the past.  i’m talking about living for the now and for the future.  and for those reasons along with the unspoken ones he will never fully understand and that only you and i know...that’s why i believe in my heart that i am better for you.  i honestly do believe, together, we give ourselves the best chance of being better for ourselves and for each other.  sooo...yeah.

btw...i gave him the money and he almost cried.  he gave me a promissory note on the agreement and how he’d pay me back with interest on this and that date.  i told him we didn’t have to deal with the interest and we could just figure it out as we go.  he was so grateful and you could see like a burden was just lifted off his shoulders.  i know it doesn’t fix everything but it’s one less thing he has to worry about in order to focus on other things in his life.  apparently he cooks good food.  maybe i make him pay me back in food? one lunch every two weeks...for the rest of his tenure as long as we work together...bwah hahahaha.  you see where my priorities are.  yeah, it was definitely a weird situation and request with such a finite rapport but then again, this isn’t the first time i’ve done this and prolly won’t be the last?  i honestly don’t know how i even get involved in situations like this.  maybe after he’s paid me back and some time when he’s good, maybe i’ll ask him what made him/why he came to me.  wonder after we become “friends” if he’ll say that he was desperate and i just so happen to exist at that very moment.  that would be a bit anticlimactic...*shrug*

how’s your mom and family?  she/they doing okay?  does you niece help keep things manageable?  you want a child to dote after if that’s what helps bring a smile to your heart?...*nudge nudge* :P  i mean, you’d have your hands full with me to begin with.  they’d just be a bonus to add into the mix when the time is right :)  any plans for new years/weekend?  could we just watch a movie, cuddle, kiss, and fall asleep in each other’s arms?  

oh...i had a dream about you last night.  but it wasn’t a typical dream.  maybe my “internet history” is playing a factor because it was about you and me and a unicorn.  i’ve never had a dream like that before.  it wasn’t someone i knew though.  the thing that struck me was how “natural” everything was.  there was no pause of awkwardness or what not.  it was quite surreal from the moment we all met, to getting started, and the act.  i have to admit this was one of those times where i hated my alarm.  but yeah.  it was interesting to say the least.  

well...hope you have a good day at work tomorrow.  i got smashed and i messed up with someone.  i was doing the work of an LPN and RN and it was honestly the first time i’ve worked at this capacity.  my preceptor is nice but i think she gives me way more credit than i deserve.  she thinks she can just tell me what to do and i can go and do it but i’ve never had experience doing what she is asking me to do so i end up having to telh/asking her if she could do it while i observe.  she helped when she felt i needed it.  unfortunately, i needed her help more than she realized and my provider could tell the difference of not having the LPN.  i felt so bad but he was understanding about it and told me i was doing a good job.  he even came over to me before the end of our shift to let me know how much he enjoyed working with me and that even though i may not have known everything, he said that i was coming along well and that i will do a good job in the future.  i thanked him for working with me the way he did and he thanked me for helping him with his workload and making things more manageable for him.  we then said fingers crossed on the new provider that i will be working with.  truth...their plan for my workload...it’s not looking fun.  i’ll be inheriting two part time providers and it’s looking like my vet load will triple by next year.  if i thought today kicked my ass, i can only imagine what 2 new providers who i have to learn how they do things all over and still cover the LPN and RN duties, all the while i’m still asking people for help and assistance.  guess this is what i get when i say that i like a challenge.  i barely survived today and one of my officemates asked me why did my eye look the way they did.  they were half closed and pretty lifeless because of the workload i had to deal with before the end of my shift.  fun fun fun.  in the immortal words and deadpan expression of kuzko, “bring it on.”...*ws*

btw...did you figure out that “secret” i was referring to? :)