#aportraitofatorturedyouandi chapter 3

[i-writeandread-blog]

A Portrait of a Tortured You and I - Chapter 3

I had the bungalow to myself, but that's only because the VIP didn't sell out, otherwise, I'd have had a roommate.  I took advantage of the private bathroom and cleaned up properly.  I was distressed by my upgrade.  Not because I wasn't happy to experience it, but because I didn't need it nor want it.  Sure, I loved the band and I was a bit of a Jared girl.  But after fawning over him for the first five or so years, I became more realistic and began just to solely appreciate what Mars was all about; community, art, music, friendship, fun, connection.  The eye candy aspect was there always, but wasn't anything more than just a nice thing to look at.  I had been blessed through the years to have done numerous meet & greets, and was even around during the Artifact days getting the opportunity to go to the screening.  Heck, I was even at the Hive the night of the bomb threat.  This was probably why I was always broke. I spent all my money on Mars.

So these things afforded me opportunities to meet the band numerous times.  I just couldn't justify spending over $10,000 dollars to have even more access to Jared.  I could spend that money on four camp mars trips, rather than just one.  Not that I had access to that amount of cash in one sitting ever.  But, the point was someone spent it on me... and I didn't deserve it.  It should have been someone who never had the opportunities that I have had.

I got dressed and made my way out the door just in time for the vip welcome wagon to come around so they could let us know what was in store for us.  There was a total of 17 of us.  I was surprised that many people had shelled out the money to do this.  I knew only three of them. I wasn't surprised by them, they always did the most expensive packages.  I had no idea what they did for a living, but I wondered what it was.

We were escorted down to the stage area, where they had roped off a small area right at the stage for us. Since everything was outdoors and in an open area, anyone on the island already would be able to see the soundcheck, but they had sectioned off a perimeter of about 60 feet around the stage so no one could get too close to the action. It all seemed so strange to me. Paying so much when at 61 feet away you can see the exact same thing, but to each their own. I guess.

I shouldn’t have been letting it nag at me the fact that someone did this, but I should explain why it bothered me in more depth. I had been an Echelon almost since the inception of the band. I went to events, met so many interesting people, became friends with some. The usual stuff, I did some light street teaming, but I was always sort of in the shadows. I have a very outgoing personality, but for some reason I stayed pretty much to myself. I knew the familiar faces. Waved and nodded. Spoke to a few here and there. But Mars was very personal to me. I was drawn to them for reasons I couldn’t begin to explain to an outsider. For me, when Jared says, “it’s only for those who understand,” I have to say that is a million percent true. I’m sure every Echelon feels the same way and we all have our private reasons (or public) for why we needed them in our lives. But because I stayed to myself, I always felt like I knew everyone, but no one knew me. Even on social media... I knew of people, but I didn’t engage with them. For every outspoken “fan” like Natalie, there were probably 5 of me. It didn’t make sense. I wasn’t a part of that outspoken and well known clique.

Then another thing was the idea that I was being pitied. I knew I was a victim. I was a weak person. I didn’t want others to know it. No matter how strong I tried to be, I just wasn’t. I was disappointed that I would have to pass on Croatia, but I was certainly not wanting any charity. Yet, I received it anyway. From a total stranger, who I assume knows nothing about me.

The last reason, and Shayla picked up on it right away was the tiny bit of fear that I was being lured here, only to be hurt... whether it be emotionally or physically. I never didn’t feel safe around Mars, but I think it was a combination of the attack on me and then the way Natalie had treated me online -when I told everyone what happened- that made me no longer feel at “home.”

And yet here I am, feeling like I have to enjoy the package for all it is and get this persons money’s worth and that felt crippling. I felt like I was being forced to vacation, if that even makes sense. And don’t get me wrong, I do want to have fun, let my hair down and let loose. It was my favorite band. The only band I truly ever listened to and was so loyal to. I loved them. Everything about them. Nothing about Mars had changed. It was me. I was different. I didn’t know how to reconcile with that. I wanted my old self back and I didn’t think it would ever be possible. I was angry.

What those boys took from me (and unjustly so, as I hadn’t been the one to refuse them service) was my identity. The only thing in this world that belonged to no one else. I was mad at them. I was mad at myself, for letting them win. If they saw me on the street they probably wouldn’t even know who I am. Would I recognize them?

I was snatched out of my daydream to the sounds of cheers. I looked up and both Shannon and Jared had walked onto the stage. Shannon waved at us with a drumstick in his hand and sat down at his set. Jared walked over to us. I was on the end furthest from him. He leaned down to shake everyone’s hand, having mini conversations as he went down the line. When he reached me, he took my hand in his and said, “long time no see kitty cat.” I responded with, “who’s fault is that?” Then he jumped down and hugged me. The embrace caused a gasp from a few around he and I.

I was used to Jared doing things like that. Like I said before, I’ve been around awhile. But never has he ever been so affectionate. Not to me at least. I was honestly surprised he even remembered my name. Of course, he was the one who came up with kitty cat. It happened a few years back. I was at a meet and greet. I think it was a show in Atlanta, and when I walked up, instead of the usual procedure where you say a quick hello and take an equally quick picture, then walk away... he said to me: “I think it’s high time we were properly introduced. In all these years, I’ve never caught your name. I wonder why that is. Anyway, I’m Jared.” He extended his hand to me. I shook it, swooning the whole time and responded with, “uhhh cat umm Catherine.” He laughed at my stutter and said, “cat, like kitty cat? Cute. I’ll see ya around.” Then I walked off. I “met” him at a few meet and greets after that, but he hasn’t referred to my name or nickname since. Until today.

He was always so charming on stage whether it was an actual show or a soundcheck and today was no different. He sang little bits from various songs, only singing full versions of a couple. In between each one he’d make a joke or two. He danced around, shook his butt, grabbed one of the girls and brought her up to sing a few lines of hurricane. He joked about how we could do the concert better than him. And then it was over. We were told that dinner would be served in about an hour and sent on our merry way.

At the last camps we served ourselves in a buffet line. I believed that was what we would be doing here as well. Usually everyone comes, grabs their food, tries to find a spot to eat, does that quickly and moves on. It’s not something to write home about. I think majority of us don’t even look forward to the food (it is delicious) because our minds are on having fun. So breakfast, lunch, and dinner are more about sustenance rather than a milestone event. I had a mini bar style fridge in my bungalow already stocked with snacks and was just going to grab something out of there. I didn’t want to be social just yet, and I was sort of still jet lagged from flying in a few days ago.

I laid down on a much softer bed than I had expected and brought up the notepad on my iPad. I felt like writing. I wasn’t sure about what just yet, but I felt like I could breakthrough my writers block and start something. After about 45 minutes and two chapters, I heard people milling around outside. I grabbed some chips out of the fridge and a can of coke. I didn’t want to stop since I was actually on a roll, but I didn’t want to not eat something as it had been hours since my early breakfast this morning.

I was mid way through a paragraph and had a chip dangling in between my lips when I looked up and saw someone standing there. I jumped. The bag and it’s contents flying everywhere. The look of pure terror written all over my body.

“I’m so sorry, Miss. I knocked several times.”

“It’s okay, I think. Umm can I help you?” I was ready to scream if need be.

“Your presence is required at dinner. And don’t worry about cleaning that up. Your butler will do that.”

“Butler?” I said quizzically.

“Yes, Miss. Each bungalow has a private butler. They’ll restock the refrigerator if needed and clean up. They’ll be bringing you fresh towels daily, and should you need anything they can help out. I’ll walk you to dinner.” I shook my head. “That’s okay, I think I know where to go.”

“No, it’s in a secluded area. Come, follow me.” She started walking fast and I struggled to keep up. She apologized and flagged down a golf cart. We hopped on and were whisked away and past the main pavilion where the diners were eating. It looked like the last ferry had arrived, but I wasn’t sure. We arrived at an area that looked very much off limits for the regular guests and she pointed to three tables down by the water. At each table were the other vip guests. “Here ya go, and please check your itinerary next time. Everyone is waiting for you.”

I walked down and heard light huffs and puffs as I got closer. Someone said, “you’re late and we are starving.” Jared stood up and said, “that’s not necessary. She’s here now and the food is still warm and tasty.” I looked around for a place to sit. The tables were arranged so that the table Jared was at was facing all of us. I noticed that each table setting had a name plate. I couldn’t see mine.

Jared laughed and pointed to a chair next to his. I shook my head no. He walked over and ushered me to it anyway. Whispering in my ear, “this is your seat.” Motioning to my name. I was sitting in between him and Emma. Shayla was on his other side.

“I don’t understand. The rest of the group is at the other tables. I’m not crew.” Jared waved his hands to stop me. “I didn’t make up the seating chart, that’s Emma’s purview. But I know enough to just follow what she says. A mad Emma is a force to be reckoned with.” He laughed. I looked out and everyone was glaring at me. “I really should go sit at one of the other tables. But before I do, I have to know... Jared did you arrange my trip here?”

He looked at me very puzzled and said, “what are you talking about?” Shayla looked at me dead in the eyes and shook her head no.

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