#apologies to jam for hijacking the prompt. i will (try to) do better next time.

[ecoustsaintmein]

covet, part i of ???

part ii here | part iii here | part iv here | part v here

pairing: paddy x eoin; rating T (so far), slow burn.

based on this tumblr post by @cloudyfacewithjam:

"Canon Divergence AU: Paddy gave the Claddagh ring to Eoin as a friendship gift back in Ireland, and Eoin kept it during and after the war despite their falling out (because they were both stupid and emotionally compromised). They eventually reconcile, but after a while, Paddy notices that the ring has changed its placement - and he promptly loses his mind, while Eoin is stoically silent about it."

he's often wondered what would come after.

the war's over and he's now allegedly some kind of hero, but he doesn't feel like one. not after the amount of people he's killed in cold blood. they call him a warrior and put medals on his chest, but at the end of the day they're just tin. the adulation and praise is not why he did what he did. it unnerves him, the way people talk about him now. as if ghq hadn't tried to fuck him over (and fuck the sas over), again and again. and again, after the vc fuck up. not that he cared, although everyone else around him seemed riled up enough on his behalf. public opinion is a fickle thing and all he wants to do is--

--is what?

return to mother ireland?

marinate behind a desk?

--

he's said this as much, to eoin. he's a major now, too. like it matters anymore, when they return to civvy street and ranks don't count.

eoin, who's always been by his side through the war, through thick and thin. eoin, who's been bound to him -- first by fate, then by his own free will (and for the life of paddy he still had no idea why eoin would follow him to the ends of the earth). paddy wouldn't think that he'd even have joined the sas if not for eoin, he wouldn't have felt at home here, with the sas boys, if eoin hadn't been with him.

eoin, who's kept the silly claddagh ring paddy's gifted him, way back when; when they were bright young things in ballymena. when war was just an intangible word instead of something they'd survived together.

eoin, who's been wearing the silly claddagh ring that paddy's gifted him. eoin, who'd kept the ring on a chain around his neck, if not on his right hand with the heart pointing away from him. as if to say, yes, my heart is free.

even if eoin talks about girls and writes about them. paddy doesn't ask him directly, but he has eyes.

his eyes can see.

but that was when the war was still on. eoin would follow him to the ends of the earth, then.

but now they've been demobbed and paddy's got fuck all to do. so paddy, being a chancer (or a dreamer, eoin once said), asked him if he'd still want to come with. the way he'd asked eoin if he'd like to come to burma, and eoin's said, yeah, fuck it. with no hesitation.

except: not this time.

paddy's taken it for granted that eoin's been with him, beside him, all this time, reassured that eoin will always be his better half.

paddy's asked, here, do you want to come to the ends of the earth with me? to antarctica?

eoin's hesitated.

(that was the first blow).

then eoin said no.

sorry, paddy. i can't, he said.

(that, paddy thinks, was the knockout punch).

--

in antarctica, 1946:

paddy finds himself with a whole new set of officers. he doesn't have trouble adjusting -- there's no one to fight here but the elements.

there's no one to fight here but himself.

at night he'll read about shackleton and the endurance. he's read about worsley and the rest of the endurance crew and thought, if he had been born fifty years earlier, would he have gone-a-exploring? or would he have enlisted in the great war, instead?

but these hypotheticals remain hypothetical. he's here on the falklands, going south, south, south. blinded by the snow instead of the sun. burnt by the cold instead of the scorching heat.

but he's always been a man of extremes.

he still gets letters from ambrose, and eoin, from time to time. eoin's gone off to continue his law studies, just like ambrose did, (just like paddy did too). eoin's written, my mam wanted me home. paddy's replied, i understand.

he does, really. he does. (does he?)

then ambrose, in a separate letter, is saying how eoin's become close with a fair-haired maiden in dublin. their mam knows her mam, ambrose writes. it's nice to see that eoin's close to someone, ambrose continues -- as if eoin's never been close to paddy and paddy doesn't count --

he crumples that letter and throws it to the dogs.

--

the bloody sledge dogs.

they howl into the night, but it's bright and the sun is high and paddy can't sleep. it's as if paddy's in the deserts again. but the men with him now aren't stirling or sadler. or bill or johnny or reg.

or eoin.

the letters get less frequent. maybe it's eoin, who could read paddy's foul moods through his written words and decides it's not worth replying. maybe it's paddy, who keeps himself busy with his work.

and the drink.

it's to ease his pain, he thinks. not heartache, no. not loneliness, never.

and the days turn into weeks turn into months.

the back pain gets worse, but he perseveres. he says nothing of this to ambrose or eoin. there's nothing they could do, anyways. they're on the other side of the world and all they would do is worry.

the last thing paddy wants is pity.

so he ignores the unfinished letters on his desk, the one that says 'my dearest eoin' scratched out to say 'dear eoin' (scratched out again) and then just 'to eoin'. he reaches into his bottom drawer, instead.

where the rum bottle lives.

--

even bending down for menial tasks (like reaching into his bottom drawer for a bottle of rum) makes him scream, now. and he screams again, not out of pain but out of frustration, out of anger, out of regret.

is this what it's going to be like, for the rest of his life?

--

and the days turn into weeks turn into months.

paddy wakes up from his back operation feeling brand new.

(brand new, in the sense that -- it's a brand new pain that he's got, now, and nothing else, and the scars are all he's got to show for it).

in the hospital, there are at least three angry letters from eoin, demanding answers. 'i am so upset that you didn't tell me about how much you've been suffering.'

'what is this i'm hearing about you undergoing a spinal surgery? in buenos aires??? why am i always the last to know?'

'paddy, i hope the letters are finding you well. i worry for you. please let me know how you're doing. ma and ambrose -- they keep you in their prayers, always. i keep you mine. please.'

please, eoin's written.

please.

please what? paddy wonders.

--

paddy doesn't reply.

--

ambrose writes, eoin's concerned about you.

in the same letter, ambrose writes, siobhan and eoin are getting closer every day.

--

paddy doesn't reply.

--

tbc

part ii here