#anywyas trixie i miss you and i resent you and i hope you’re doing well

[morepeachyogurt]

for trixie by @morepeachyogurt

transcript under the cut

[image id/ for your seventh birthday, you had a party at the local arcade, you didn’t speak to me the entire time but that was okay because i knew that the next week in chess club we’d pretend that i could read your mind. we turned pretzels into cigars and you’d ask me to guess what you were thinking with a smile that showed your missing tooth. it was always cheerios. (i cannot separate them from you now.) for my eighth birthday, we did a spa day, your idea, not mine. you never figured out how to paint nails neatly, once, i sat in your bathroom while you soaked the entirety of your fingers in a tub of acetone and watched the nail polish stain the sink red. it looked like you were bleeding, but you laughed and said that you were a vampire. your dad yelled at you and i was afraid. (for me or for you? i don’t remember.) i didn't paint my nails for a month after that. i’ve never painted them red. at nine my mother told me you were changing schools. i quit the chess club and i never saw you again. (10, 11, 12, your absence felt like a shot to the leg. not lethal but painful and inescapable.) for my thirteenth birthday, i had a sleepover and locked myself in the bathroom to stop myself from crying. (i never really liked my birthday anyway) for my fourteenth birthday, i sat atop my roof after a day of online school, i guess it didn’t matter in the end that we never went to the same middle school like you promised we would. (you promised a lot of things back then.) my friend forgot my fifteenth birthday. this weekend i am making her a birthday cake. i miss you, i’ve forgotten your birthday but it might have been in january. i miss you and the bad movies we used to make in your living room. we thought we’d be famous. i think about you all the time, i don’t think we’d recognize each other now. is your favorite color still blue? the dark kind? (i know you’ve forgotten about me.) at night i stare at the ceiling wondering what could’ve been, what would’ve been if you had stayed. i love you, still. i think i might hate you too. /end image id]