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natsbigfight · 7 years ago

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Thoughts on my 4th major surgery.

On Wednesday I am going in for my fourth major abdominal surgery. They are going to be doing a laparoscopic ventral suspension of the uterus and at the same time they will be repairing another incisional hernia. A bit about these surgeries first and then I’ll get into the deep stuff.

The hernia they are repairing is behind my old stoma site where I had one repaired last year. When this was repaired - along with one in my midline - they used mesh in the midline but not behind the old stoma site. While I was on holiday in Bali (where I did a lot of relaxing but a hell of a lot of laughing) I realized that I had developed another hernia. It wasn’t too bad while I was away and I couldn’t do anything about it at the time so I just carried on. When I got home I became quite sick and developed a chest infection. I could feel the hernia strangulating each time I coughed which caused immense pain and I had to push it back in each time. I emailed my surgeon and he got me in for a quick examine before I headed away for a work conference and confirmed he did believe there was a hernia there. He chatted with my gynae surgeon and they decided that they would do both surgeries at once which I was really happy about as it meant only one operation and one recovery! The down side is that the hernia has now made this surgery more complicated and has extended my recovery time. They are going to be putting mesh in there this time though so hopefully it’s the last time it happens. The last hernia surgery they did I went in thinking it was going to be a quick and simple surgery but it turned into a complicated one – where my lung collapsed – and I was in theatre for twice as long. Because of this I am a lot more hesitant about this surgery and feeling quite anxious.

Now for the laparoscopic ventral suspension of the uterus – quite a mouthful isn’t it? So as you all know I have been waiting a year to have this repaired. No one will come out and actually say it’s because of the other surgeries I have had but there isn’t really any other reason for a 29 year old after one pregnancy to have this happen. One Doctor was more honest about it and agreed with me. I learnt to live with this issue but it has been uncomfortable, it’s dramatically affected our sex life and left us suspended in this horrible limbo with growing our family. The best way to explain what it feels like is the awful feeling of when you put a tampon in and it’s not quite in the right place and it kind of rubs and chafes. To give you an idea of how far down it was – I could touch my cervix without going inside my body. I have been looking forward to getting this repaired so badly – that’s probably an understatement. This surgery is a tad more complicated then it would be for a ‘normal’ person due to my j-pouch.

In an ideal world they would correct a uterine prolapse with a surgery called Sacrohysteropexy which is where they stitch some mesh to the cervix and then pull it up and attach it to the sacrum (which is a bone in your lower back). As you can see from these pictures it is not possible to perform this on me as my j-pouch is in the way.

My gynae surgeon said that my bowel surgeon had not necessarily threatened him to stay away from the j-pouch but that he may as well have so there was no way he was going to be performing the Sacrohysteropexy! This meant that he is going to end up doing the ventral suspension instead but this procedure has a much higher failure rate and will only be temporary until I have another baby and then will need to be done again. I just popped over to Google to find an image to show you and instead a YouTube video popped up…I clicked on it….feeling a lot of regret now.

Anywho – so this surgery they grab the uterus and stitch it to the round ligaments in my tummy instead of the sacrum so they can stay away from the j-pouch. For those that have had pregnancies you will remember the pain as your tummy grows which is the round ligament stretching.

This surgery is done via keyhole which means little recovery time. I was warned that when I bend over and stand up I will feel a pulling sensation as my uterus is pulled up by the ligaments as I stand. He said I will get used to this sensation. So basically as far as my surgeries go this is a pretty minor part.

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this upcoming surgery. Each time I get the call to say its go time I have a wave of emotions. At first I am super excited because this means it’s another step and another issue behind me. That excitement doesn’t go away but it’s over shadowed by other emotions after the first day or so. The next most pressing feeling is anxiety. You would think that after so many surgeries it would be a walk in the park but I assure you it doesn’t get any easier. I have had some refer to me as a ‘control freak’ (don’t know where they get that from) so the idea of being rendered helpless while being unconscious and out of control is quite distressing. More so though is the fear of waking up. If you haven’t been under a general anesthetic before then it’s hard to explain but that feeling waking up in recovery can only be described as horrible. The feeling is worse the longer you are under but it’s still bloody horrible. Complete and utter confusion, disorientation, fear of being told there were complications, an extremely sore throat from the breathing tube being taken out, heavy limbs and eyes but a brain that wants to interact with people and then there’s the pain. They try to make sure you are as comfortable as possible when you wake up but it’s been my experience that I am always in pain when I come to. The first surgery they didn’t have the epidural in the right place so I was in uncontrollable pain for 24 hours while they tried to get in under control (I don’t remember a lot from that time as I was in a very bad way in HDU) and then my second and third surgeries they didn’t hook me up to a PCA (Patient Control Analgesia – or more basically a drug button) until about 24-48 hours after and so by the time they did I was emotionally drained and physically exhausted from the pain which delayed my home time and recovery. I have spoken at length to my whole team about ensuring I have my PCA when I get to the ward and they all assure me I am in good hands and that the Woman’s Health department are very serious about pain management, they understand that if the pain is controlled, I am able to move about and get my healing process started so much easier.

Another issue with the recovery is that I get so incredibly frustrated at not being able to do anything! Pete and Mum have to be such super heroes working, running around after Isobel and looking after me. As amazing as Pete is cooking for us and making sure I am up to date with medications the man just does not see mess!! The house could have every surface covered in crap but all he can see is that the fire is burning, the kid and partner are looked after and we all have clean undies. I work hard to not be bothered by this but unfortunately I cannot stand clutter and so all it does is stress me out, then I try to ‘help’ by tidying up a bit and either get told off or set my healing back. Even after all this time I cannot just sit back and ignore the mess, my brain just cannot work that way. This time around I have to be really serious about my recovery though. On the 9th of August Pete is going under the knife for the first time to have an inguinal hernia repaired and I have to be fighting fit to take on the role of carer for him. His surgery is also keyhole so it shouldn’t be a massive recovery but he needs to be serious about it as we can’t afford for him to have any issues. Chris and Lindsay are both having surgery this month and next as well so poor Jane has her hands full with all of us cripples!

There have been a lot of other thoughts and emotions pop up this week. Up until now I have not thought too much about my fertility and the possible complications the idea of expanding our family could bring. The chemo shouldn’t have done anything to me in terms of fertility but there’s no guarantees and having so many abdominal surgeries can mean that adhesions form in my pelvis which can lead to issues with becoming pregnant (among other things). It took us 10 months to conceive Isobel which in my eyes was a long time (no offence meant for anyone who has had issues conceiving, this is just my feelings on my situation) and they have warned me it could take twice as long to conceive this time. One of the things that has got me through all this was the idea of one day having it all behind me and being able to give Isobel and little brother or sister. I have longed for that feeling of completeness. Not a day goes by that Isobel doesn’t talk about how much she wants a brother or sister, or she concocts stories about her imaginary siblings and their adventures together. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I am just too broken and there’s nothing we can do. I know there are other options but I have already had so much control over my life taken away from me that to have this happen as well feels like it could finally break me. Yes we have a beautiful and amazing wee girl and we are so lucky – there are others out there that don’t have that – but it doesn’t change the fact that I want more. It may sound greedy but I do. I want a husband, two children, 2 dogs and a big house. What I don’t want is for more choices to taken away. I don’t want to have to change my goals in life again due to something so unfair. I have a friend that has just gone through this situation I am describing and it has broken my heart. There is nothing I have been able to say or do to fix it for her and that hurts. No one should be handed so many fucking shit cards and have them still keep coming. Then there is the pregnancy itself. Is my chronic pain from the surgeries going make carrying a baby even more hard work then it already is? What would I do if the cancer comes back while I am carrying our child? I know there is no use in dwelling on those potential negatives. I believe in putting positive thoughts out into the universe so they come back to you. But I am only human after all and they are real emotions and thoughts that I cannot avoid. I haven’t voiced them out loud because I don’t want to put them out there. I don’t want to upset others around me. But they still float into my thoughts almost on a daily basis, I still have to acknowledge them and accept them. I need to prepare for what may come.

So Wednesday is the big day. Fingers crossed this is the last hurdle for me and we can move on afterwards. I will be busy this week working on getting over this chest infection I have had for almost 4 weeks – I am not going to let them cancel this surgery after waiting for a year. I am also racing around like a mad woman organizing raffle prizes for the quiz night for Bowel Cancer New Zealand on the 16th July. Not ideal timing with surgery but we will all make it work, with the help from my amazing friends.

See you on the other side with my sweet new body amour (mesh) and a uterus put back in its place.

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