#anywho i hope this is legible dhdbdndn

[shaykai]

teach me about the hyrule warriors lore in the worst and most confusing way possible please

Hoo boy, let’s give this a go

So there’s this seer who gets to watch all of the time lines, and whilst watching those time lines she’s like “H u h. That Link guy is pretty cute. And I would like for him to love me. But it won’t happen because I’m a seer and we’ll never interact and even if we did Zelda exists, etc.

But Ganon's spirit presense thing is there and it's like "okay but what if you just got with him anyways" and it split said seer in half (now we have Lana, aka good Seer, and Cia, aka evil Seer)

And so the whole universe kind of breaks and merges several parts of other Zelda timelines together! Fun!! Anyways Cia is on a mission to go free Ganon's soul bits that are separated in different time lines so she can marry Link, but she decides that, if she's going to break into a bunch of highly guarded places to release Satan, she needs an army.

So she finds the worst fucking guy (Wizzro) (affectionate) and Volga (A dragon/human who has no desire whatsoever to help her) and forces them to team up with her. Also she kills like. So. So many gorons in the process.

They run over to Hyrule Castle to fuck shit up and kill Zelda cause they're evil and they gotta, and shenagins ensue. Everything is bad, Zelda and Impa are doing their best to fight, at some point Link comes out to help and that's how they figure out he's the fabled hero of legend or whatever, and they use a giant magic fairy who giggles in what I'm going to say is an uncomfy way and said fairy explodes half of the bad guys with a magic bomb. At some point Zelda disappears and everyone assumes she got kidnapped. I don't actually remember what happened.

ANYWAYS so Impa is like "Hey cool you're the hero, the princess got kidnapped and we need to go get her, come on" so they start following Cia's army and find Shiek, who is just Zelda, and who also does not tell anyone that they are Zelda.

Anyways I don't remember how most of this goes, but there's lots and lots of in fighting on Cia's side, it's delightful, no one is loyal and they're all selfish and or angry.

At some point Lana pops up to help team good guys, she helps collect other good guys, like Mida, Darauna, Ruto, Agitha, etc. At some point Midna punches Cia and knocks her mask off (Cia has a mask) and Midna is like "WOW HEY YOU HAVE THE SAME FACE AS LANA" and Lana is just like "hmmmmmmmmm yeah, I'm ashamed of it, but we're the same person" and then we move on

Meanwhile Cia is building her army, getting fun baddies like Ghirahim and Zant to side with her. It's great. Anytime Ghirahim and Zant are on screen is a good time.

Eventually Link gets the master sword and beats Cia with it, but it also turns out that was the last soul seal thing for Ganon. So he's alive again. So naturally, he takes over as the main baddie and discards Cia (so now there are three teams! Team goodies, team baddies, and team dysfunctional idiots)

Ghirahim and Zant are on Ganon's side now, Volga wants to 1v1 Ganon cause "ooooo strong guy", Wizzro wants to defect to Ganon's side (pretty sure Ganon told him no) everything is on fire, and Cia is dying because Ganon's soul was the only thing keeping her alive. So now she also wants him dead.

Lots of stuff happens, fun villain shenagins, Ganon dies, Ghirahim and Zant are pissed off and I thiiiiiink they just run away?? Don't remember. There's a delightful scene when the heroes are celebrating and Link and Zelda give eachother the look tm and Lana looks SO SAD about it. Like trying to smile but if you even tried to look at her she'd start sobbing.

Anyways Lana sends everyone back to their timelines but UHOH Toon. Ghost... Ganon?? Wants to fight so that's an issue, and Cia is fighting him too for reasons I do not recall. I'm pretty sure it's so she can live or something. Oh also she's a good guy now, everyone just had to sit down and talk it out. She's still dying btw.

Heroes kill Ghost Guy Ganon and I'm 99% sure that Cia and Lana merge back into one person again after sending everyone (again) to their respective time lines and then Seer goes back to magic seer land. I guess. That's Hyrule Warriorsssss!

At least as I remember it, it's been a long while since I've played it