#anywho i highkey want to die and based on my usual pattern i'm barely touching the surface of my well-travelled lows | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

blargh-chicka-honk-honk · 1 year ago

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i've been quiet for a while here, and by quiet i mean near nonexistent, and by a while i mean for months. this is because i got a new job. it's full time. full time jobs drain me like nothing else, because that whole 8-8-8 system thats supposed to keep you happy and healthy doesn't work when you spend so much time just generally being mentally ill, so instead of 8 hours work and 8 hours sleep and 8 hours play, i get 10 hours work 2 hours commute 2 hours self-maintenance 4 hours being mentally unwell 1 hour fun and 5 hours sleep. speaking of being mentally unwell. dont read the tags.

#honestly i dont want to tell anyone this but i also feel the need to put it somewhere it can be read #so. you know. tumblr.#and i know what's causing it- its just a hormone+chemical imbalance fucking with me #these emotions are not real #they are not grounded in reality #however that being said im like. vaguely suicidal.#more than passive less than active? idk what i am #normally my suicidal ideation is like 'i want to decay in a hole somewhere'#but right now its more like 'if there was a train headed my way i dont know if i would even try to get out of the way'#which is. not great. like im not gonna seek out those situations and i wouldnt do anything with a risk of causing harm to others but.......#ehhhhhh #i know ill be able to hold out till my brain balances again but these next couple days are gonna suck ass #and the fact the causing harm includes emotional harm and the fact that theres few if any ways to die without causing emotional harm is #well. not good exactly. but helpful?#anywho i highkey want to die and based on my usual pattern i'm barely touching the surface of my well-travelled lows #🙃#vent post

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