#anywho I wanted to write a bit of a positive memory because otherwise it's all very doom and gloom

[delta-lethonomia]

For the prompts I'm just thinking about what's a core childhood memory for Tav? Like there's being in the basement at sharess caress but is there anything else that would stand out in her memory?

core memory…. what an interesting question. Honestly, it's gotta be something with her mother.

A core memory needs to align with the narrative of how Tav understands herself, and I really can't emphasize enough how her mom's eventual rejection and failure to protect her really comes to define her personality even later in life. I don't think Dorsey was a bad mother, per se - she did an excellent job for being a teenage mother, and had a ton of friends even though she lacked her own family, so Tav was never really alone as a child - but I think she definitely put too much pressure on her. All of her hopes and dreams, everything that Tav was supposed to achieve in her stead, bought and paid for by her own "ruined" life, and that created a bit of an emotionally incestuous "mother-and-daughter-together against the world" type of narrative that fails so spectacularly later on.

For a memory, if I were to sketch something out, it would probably be at home. Very early morning, Tav being around 8 or 9, her mom coming home upset after a long and terrible night. Maybe somebody got rough with her and had to be removed from the premises, and she stuck around until close despite being rattled. If Tav's 8, then her mom is only 22, maybe 23, maybe a little tipsy but not an alcoholic just yet. Her racket wakes her up and there's no denying she's awake, either - it's a small cottage, more of a shack, really, and there's only one bed, but it's an upgrade over the single room in a bunkhouse Tav only barely remembers. Her mom falls into bed next to her and holds her tightly, trying to hold in her tears, makeup smeared, and just slowly falls apart while an increasingly uncomfortable Tav tries to comfort her.

Dorsey hates her life, but most of all she hates what's been done to her: she has a beautiful daughter, gets to enjoy the pleasure of watching her grow up, and knows that in no time at all she'll be as old as she was when her parents threw her out, and she just can't understand it. She was a child! It's all so horrible, feeling trapped in a life she never wanted but can't escape from, that she has no power in, and feels like there must have been something wrong with her, intrinsically, for her parents to throw her away like that. It's been years and they have no interest in even meeting Tav. She's tried to send letters to her old village but only received a reply once, from her old neighbors, telling her that her parents moved and didn't leave even a hint as to where they were going.

It's a story Tav's heard so many times she could recite it from memory. It takes a few hours and lots of hugs and cuddles, except for the times her mom pushes her away and can't bear to be touched, but Dorsey's mostly affectionate and after a lot of reassurances, she calms down. Like a switch that's flipped, she's all smiles, or trying to be: they go out for breakfast together, and Tav remembers it because it's one of the few times it's just the two of them doing things together. Dorsey's pretty popular and extroverted, so typically whenever they go anywhere she either chats up strangers or has a friend by her side; Tav used to be the cute little doll for them to play with, something that stops as she gets a little older and stands up for herself more. But this time, it's just the two of them, and they have a lovely time until about noon when Dorsey finally has to crash, and Tav drops in for the later half of her classes that day.

They promise each other to always be there for one another, curled together on a bench. Tav doesn't need a dad - she's got her mom, and that's all she needs. Tav's gonna do well in school and get a good apprenticeship and then she'll help her mom and maybe they can run a shop together. It'll be great! (This is definitely not too much pressure for a kid.)

Anyway, Tav thinks of this morning mostly fondly. She misses her mom's love back when it felt unconditional, she liked feeling like she could make a difference in her mom's life or calm her down, that she was the centerpiece of it, but in hindsight feels strange both about how young her mother was but also how…. non-motherly their relationship was. It felt more like a friendship. Tav's not really good with kids, her own baby was only a few months old when he died, but as an adult I think she sees how it was wrong of her mother to dump her feelings on her like that, long before she could ever understand them. Still, she misses it.

[shedidntfitin]

7/8/19

Good Morning!

Oh how the thoughts have been roaming; heading back to school in 26 days, huzzah!

Sew another stressor that’s been dancing around in my head. (let’s start with backstory) I come from a family of Roman Catholics, and we were good Catholics; never read the bible (pay the priest to do it on Sundays), made sure we sinned enough to have a good confession, the works. And then one day my brother decided to go visit the Southern Baptists next door, sew he became obsessed with the idea of being a good christian, got one of my sisters into it for a bit too (though I believe her draw to it was much different). He decided to become a college missionary with FOCUS. The deal is, he’s become intensely religious; he was gonna be a priest until he fell in love. My eldest sister came out as a lesbian to Mom and Dad (maybe the siblings maybe not, not me at least, though I had assumed she had years prior sewwww....) roughly 2 years ago if I remember properly (times wobbly wobbly and hella slow) and 9 months later I told Mom and Dad I was transgender and let it spread from there. Somewhere around that time apparently Dominic had told Mom he wasn’t sure he could go to Kaitlyn’s eventual wedding cause it would be sacrilegious and all that bullshit; I understand your desire to hold up your religion and all, but there is an aspect of marriage that is areligious in the current day if that’s what you really need and we can have an argument on God’s supposed homophobia that the church claims at a later date.

Sew I feel like that establishes perspective on my brother. My siblings and I range between 20 and 30 years of age (roughly), sew we don’t generally wind up in the same space to frequently, 2 siblings are way up north, 2 siblings are a couple hours in opposite directions, I hope to move where it’s illegal to shoot me. I was never one to actually “come out” to most people, I would just be me and let people as if they desired, sew I knew my sisters knew cause we are emotionally connected; I wasn’t sure if Dom knew cause we’re not sew connected, and I didn’t bring it up because of his afore mentioned religiosity and my desire not to have a fruitless battle as he is often one to argue for the sake of arguing, often waiting for the other party to declare their position sew he can pick the opposite (he has stated that this is something he likes to do). A few visits back, he did take the time before leaving to say he loved me and would protect me regardless of my gender (I don’t quite remember his words, but that was the idea it sent while being worded in an eh kind of manner). Last week he came to visit cause he was getting his kid baptised. Eventually we got to a point to talk privately, we do enjoy our theory and philosophy based discussions, but this one rubbed me wrong.

He asked me if believed it was possible to love someone but also reject a part of them... He didn't add any sort of context to the question, but it was apparent as to what he meant. I don’t think well on my feet sew I wasn’t quite sure how to word and structure my response, but the point I had made was it depends on how much that quality defines the person’s identity; you don’t accept the person’s delight in chocolate milk? Whatever, who gives a shit? It’s just a delightful beverage in which you cannot find a passion. You can’t accept that they’re a girl regardless of the Y chromosome with which she was cursed, well fuck off, it’s who she is. Mary and Donovan are not the same person, just the same clump of cells (3 more years and they won’t be that either). Donovan was a rather shit person. He was rather prejudice against the LGBTQ+ community, he canned his emotions, he tried to fit to society, tried to wear the face of a “man,” he was really shit. Mary, however, is much more delightful. Obviously I’m much more pro LGBTQ+, otherwise that’s be a tad masochistic or egotistical, depending on how I felt about myself within the community. I’ve gotten to the point of fuck society, I mean I like people, they’re wonderful (and terrible, I hate em too augh) but the collection. Mary knows how to think for herself while Donovan didn’t and society still doesn't. I’ve somewhat gotten better at the avoidance of gender expectations (though not quite, I do constantly think “would this be what a girl does” I’ve just gotten better at not letting that decide how I act. I am much more open with my emotions. Ya know, for the longest time I hadn't cried, but a couple years ago, when I had heard of my grandma’s death, the floodgates had opened (not an uncommon response, I know), but now i don’t just get sad and think, well this would be a good time to cry I suppose, I actually do. Used to, I wasn’t one to get mad, now I don’t just shove irritants aside. I actual conflict with them, allow myself to feel and move onward (which is what I’m doing now, I suppose). 

I’m not a man nor a boy. Though I allow people whatever name they desire to use for me, I’m not Donovan. He’s dead. I carry his memory (well much of it, we got hit by a bus, TBI, memory doesn't truly exist). We even have the science now to point out that; though gender is somewhat a human construct, at least in its representation; gender is a piece of psychology which we do not control, as if we control any of our own psychological processes. If you can’t accept that I’m a girl (you can go with woman if you prefer, I just like to see myself more a kid than adult), if you can’t accept Mary, then you can’t accept me, and thus, you don’t love me. You love an idea which you want to equate to me, but it’s not me. If you brush away the crumbs, you can still enjoy your buttered toast, but if you remove the bread all together, then you’re just eating butter. A somewhat shitty metaphor it may be, but it covers the idea to which I refer. Yes, you can love someone while rejecting pieces of them, crumbs of them, but when you reject the core of their identity, then yea, you don’t love them. 

Anywho, that’s what's been plaguing my mind as of late. I can’t wait to get back to school though! I can dance around in my lovely lavender dress while playing and writing music. One day

Toodles! (^w^)

[rainteaanddragons]

Smoke & Mirrors: Twenty - Innate Magic

Prologue |  Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch3 | Ch4 | Ch 5 | Ch 6 | Ch 7 | Ch 8 | Ch 9 | Ch10 | Ch 11 | Ch 12 | Ch 13 | Ch 14 | Ch 15 | Ch 16 | Ch 17 | Ch 18 | Ch 19 | Ch 20 |

Read on ff.net and ao3

Hey guys! We made it to chapter 20...woahh! For me, like chapter 10, the chapter 20 mark is a bit of a milestone aha (though technically this is number 21, thank you Prologue) Thank you so much for all your support in your reviews and faves/follows - I'm really enjoying writing this so the fact that you are enjoying it too is really encouraging, and just makes me really happy! Anywho, I'll stop babbling now and let you read what you really came here for :P

Enjoy! :)

"You can lift your head up to the sky, take a deeper breath and give it time. You can walk the path among the lines, with your shattered frame of mind ." - Frame of Mind, Tristam & Braken

It seemed to Lucy that Gray and Natsu had an unspoken pact between them not to speak of what they had seen in Gray's memories, or even what they had talked about afterward. They shared only the necessary points with the guild which made Lucy worry. It was no lie that Gray had been tortured, and horrifically at that, the state her friend was in was evidence enough, but there lay the problem. Now Natsu knew just how much Gray had endured for him, and with that came a whole new set of problems.

Even after he and Natsu had finished their conversation Gray had stayed up in the infirmary on the claim of wanting to rest. Though Gray didn't like to admit it, he was still very weak. The one and only cure for that was first to rest, and then to try and build back that strength slowly so to not overwork himself. This was easier said than done. Though she knew what Gray had told them was right, Lucy knew her friend well enough to tell that Gray was also avoiding the onslaught of questions he knew the guild would have.

Gallantly, Natsu had taken the front on that. He had answered their questions simply and honestly before moving onto the next one.

"Did they use Kakusareta Omoide?"

"They did but Gray hijacked the spell and managed to cut me out of his mind before they could find out the truth about me from him."

"So that's why he can't remember you?"

"Yes, that's right."

"How did he do it? How'd he hijack the spell?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure."

"Do you know who it was?"

"No. Gray didn't recognise them so I couldn't either."

"What happened to you in there? What did you see?"

That last one he had refused to answer.

Now, Natsu hadn't moved so much as an inch for the rest of that day. He sat slumped at a table in the guild hall, all bravado gone. Though he knew it was for the best, the choice to not bring back Gray's memories had seemingly taken something from him. Even Happy couldn't seem to boost Natsu's mood. The Exceed had now taken to just sitting next to Natsu at the bench, he didn't speak at all, but just sat there with him. People moved around him carefully, as if the slightest noise or movement too close would set him off.

In truth, Natsu didn't really want to think about it at all. He wished none of this had happened in the first place. Stupidly, he thought of Gray. Gray didn't have the memories he did, it would be so much easier for him to move on. So much easier to just leave those memories be. He thumped his forehead on the table before leaving it to rest there.

I just want you to look at me the way you used to.

The thought floated to the forefront of his mind without Natsu wanting it to. It brought up a question, and it wasn't the first time it had come up. How had Gray looked at me? What was it that had made him not knowing me such a noticeable change? We were friends, are friends, were– but that doesn't mean I should feel like this. Another thud, and another. He didn't stop until he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Natsu." Lucy's voice reached him through his confused thoughts. "Stop it! Please."

Natsu did. Whether it was because of the dull ache which now radiated from his forehead, or for Lucy, he wasn't sure.

Lucy edged onto the bench next to him. "I can't begin to understand what you are going through, Natsu. But I do know that whatever you are thinking right now won't help."

Natsu didn't reply. He didn't sit up either. Lucy sat with him, leaving her arm around him. At that point there wasn't much more she could do. She hadn't expected Gray and Natsu to decide to not bring back Gray's memories. The 'everything will be alright in the end because we're Fairy Tail and that's how it works' attitude was something which Lucy had become used to, and even taken for granted. So seeing the total opposite in Natsu was something she wasn't quite sure how to deal with.

Something she didn't expect though was to see Gray at the top of the stairs which led down from the infirmary. Not only because of his claim of needing rest, she hadn't thought Gray would appear until the rest of the guild, and maybe even Natsu had left. The determination in her friend's eyes said otherwise. Like the rest of the guild, she tried not to react, but the unspoken pact they had kept so to make Gray feel as normal possible was hard to stick to. This time though, it honestly wasn't the best choice.

– o – o – o –

Gray lay on his bed in the infirmary. The dull silence encasing him in his thoughts. Like Natsu, he'd had a feeling about what they would see in his memories, so it wasn't that which circled his mind. Bringing back something which his mind had filed away so neatly was bringing up so much more of his time with the dark guild. Not just memories though, there were emotions he hadn't expected to feel, let alone be able to attribute to that time.

Among them, guilt was the most surprising.

It was easier for Gray to understand then that it was more than just his memories of Natsu that he'd lost that day. In hijacking the Kakusareta Omoide spell, Gray could see that either consciously or subconsciously he'd also worked to protect himself from what he'd experienced. Little by little, since Gray had been admitted to hospital, he'd been chipping away at the protection he'd placed on his mind. The spell Rufus had cast had smashed right through. Shattering his minds attempt to shelter what little of himself he had left. He could remember it all now. Now, he could re-live the pain, the fear, the onslaught of emotions which his torture had brought to the surface. Every little detail had come flooding back all at once.

It wouldn't stop.

He thumped a fist down onto the bed.

Stop! Please stop! I don't want to see that! To feel that again…

Gray wasn't sure what to do. Part of him knew he needed to talk to someone, but that wasn't something he had the energy to do. Plus the question of who best to talk to didn't help. He didn't want to bring anyone else into this, but he knew that he had to. The one person his gut was telling him to talk to was the one he wanted to least. Natsu was difficult, Gray had seen what just seeing some of what had happened to him had done, he wasn't about to inflict more guilt on him.

What else was there to do though? He needed to do something? Gray inhaled slowly, letting it fill him completely before letting that breath out through his mouth.

This is not the time to lose it.

Gray sat up, and swinging his legs around he let his feet touch the linoleum flooring.

I can do this. I need to be able to do this by myself. If not…

He couldn't bring himself to finish that sentence. He felt at a loss as it was. As if, other than Natsu there was something still missing, but he couldn't quite work it out. To not be able to make it back to some form of normality was something he didn't want to deal with. Walking by himself was a start Gray decided he could make himself.

Shaking legs carried him slowly to the door, but it was only then that he remembered the stairs. Gray made it half way down before his trembling legs caved underneath him and he fell forward. It wasn't just the physical pain he felt as he hit the wooden steps, the helplessness which came with that was worse. He tumbled down the rest of the steps before coming to a halt at the bottom. He lay there, not able to move, his whole body quivering in shock.

Damnit! I couldn't even make it down the stairs.

Natsu had been up as soon as the door of the infirmary had opened. He, for one, had had no intention of keeping said pact. He was kneeling by Gray's side in an instant, it just about the most he'd moved all day.

"Gray? Gray!"

"Wha– what?"

"What do you mean, 'what'? What the hell was that? You know you aren't strong enough to walk by yourself yet so I'm not even sure why you tried! I– what if you'd been hurt?"

If anything, the rest of the guild was more surprised than Gray at Natsu's outburst.

"I–" Gray sighed, "Natsu I'm fine." The response was almost automatic. Gray knew just as well as Natsu did that he wasn't fine at all.

"Fine? Fine! Really Gray?" Natsu banged a fist on the ground, "If I hear you say, 'I'm fine', again I'll, I'll…" Natsu didn't finish the sentence. "Just stop, okay?"

Gray nodded. It was all he could do. His muscles seemed to have seized up in shock.

"Good." Natsu snapped, but instantly regretted it. The look of guilt which spread over Gray's face wasn't what he wanted to see at all. "You are far from fine Gray, no matter how much you want it to be otherwise. You've only been out of hospital a week." He carefully helped Gray into a seated position, but never removed the steadying arm from behind his friend's back.

"I know. I just, it's so frustrating. I'm just not the same and I hate it." Gray spat the words out, tears of frustration leaking from his eyes. The room was getting colder and colder by the second as Gray's emotional state became just as unstable as his physical one.

"Gray, I know it's frustrating, but this will take time."

"Time? What comfort is time? I've lost all control over my body, over my mind, I'm not me anymore. Time will do something, but I can't wait that long. Not when I know what I used to be like."

"Gray, you need to calm down." Lyon spoke gently. He'd noticed as the onlookers had begun to pull their cardigans closer despite the sunny day outside. "What innate magic you have left is rising out of control." Lyon knew he'd done it the moment the words had left his lips. They had not yet told Gray what the spell had sacrificed, though they were sure that deep down Gray could feel it too. The spell had taken from Gray what was already weakened in him at the time.

"Wha- what?" Gray stuttered. His hands began to shake as he stared forlornly up at Lyon.

Shit.

"My magic?" Gray tried to form a simple snowflake in his palm but nothing happened. He tried again, still nothing. He closed that same palm into a fist and thumped it onto the ground. It left him only with an aching fist and no less problems than he had before. "No. No, no, no…not that too."

An anguished yell was torn from Gray's lips as the room grew icy cold.

Lyon had heard of this happening. Where an elemental mage cut off from their connection to their magic in any way found a sort of inborn magic instead. The problem was though that it was very powerful, and, of course, very hard to control. It was all Lyon could do to try and keep the raw emotional magic at bay.

"What do I have left if I don't have my memories and I don't have my magic?" Or Natsu. Gray's words were only just audible through his, dry, angry sobs. "What is the point?"

"Gray." Lyon repeated. "You need to calm down or we are all going to freeze."

"Can't…"

"Yes, you, can."

"Gray!" Natsu called out, taking his friend's hand he let the warmth of his fire spread form that spot throughout the room. He knew how Gray was feeling. The number of times he'd set lost control while learning to use his fire, Natsu had lost count. The more annoyed at his mistakes he'd become the more his fire had raged. The same was happening here. Natsu kept the ice surrounding just him and Gray, while trying to get through to his friend.

"Gray. I'm sorry I yelled. I am. I've caused you stress again. I understand that, but you need to try and calm down. Please."

Gray drew in a deep breath. His shaking hand gripped even tighter to Natsu's. With a nod, Gray took in another deep breath. The cold, however, still didn't waver.

"Gray. Listen to me. You can do this. Prove to yourself that you can get better. You can do this."

"Can't…"

"Yes you can, I know you can. You're gonna have to or we'll both freeze. You're not used to the cold like you used to be, your fingertips are already turning blue."

Natsu waited, it could have been minutes, could have been seconds, but eventually he felt the cold beginning to recede from the point where his hands touched Gray's. Slowly but surely the chill left the air and the guild breathed a chorused sigh of relief.

At the bottom of the stairs, Gray still shook, tears still leaking from his eyes as he squeezed them shut. "I'm s- sorry…"

"It's alright Gray, you don't have to be." Natsu shuffled forward, and not knowing what else to do, carefully sat Gray up again and pulled him into his arms. "It's not your fault." They sat like that until Gray's breathing had evened out and the tears had finally stopped. How long that was though, Natsu wasn't sure.