#anyways the reason why my depression meds probably don't work is because i'm bipolar

[newwave-lesbian]

they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh

[brennacedria]

Continuing this, I guess. I've been through too many emotions since this first post, zipping from one to the next. Some of them have been really helpful, because they're helping me understand episodes that were bpd outbursts versus bipolar mood episodes, especially rapid cycling episodes. I do still HAVE rapid cycling eps, even in retrospect, but more of the outbursts are bpd.

But on the other hand, figuring this out about myself is kind of sinking me into more of a depression. Cause, well, my bipolar is pretty much controlled on my current meds, and I think bp being controlled might be why the remaining symptoms are narrowed down to the bpd. (That's how the bipolar was finally diagnosed, too: reactions to and effectiveness and/or lack thereof of certain meds narrowed the problem down from "just" major depressive disorder + gen anxiety/panic disorder.) But... The bpd doesn't react to meds, from what I'm reading? It's a therapy thing, and I've tried three therapists in the past. None of them were compatible with me. (Also cost both co-pays and time missed from work.)

Anyway, some of the depression it's bringing on. If bpd is often caused by childhood trauma like I've read, I can trace my cause absolutely directly to my mom's second husband. His abuse (mostly mental/emotional for us kids, but almost deadly to our mom and I'm the only one who remembers that) is 100% the cause. But effective almost immediately after their separation and divorce, aka once the danger was over, I've never dwelled on it. It happened, and the only thing I ever worried about after that was protecting my mom from her own repressed memories. Which I mean, isn't something a preteen to teen should ever have to worry about, but I wasn't alone in the task; her third husband (my current stepdad, since I was 11 I think) helped with what he already knew, and once I told him about the rest he helped with that, too. I wasn't alone, and never had any reason to worry that I might be in the future.

Anyway, the long-previous trauma causing this. Outside of distracting my mom, it never even came to mind. Not in a repressed way--i always knew it was there--it just didn't matter anymore. Not like before the divorce.

But everything says the treatments for bpd focus on therapy. I believe in the effects of therapy when a compatible match between patient and therapist exists. I just haven't ever had that. And since (until reading about the effects and treatments of bpd) I was over being bothered by my childhood, i don't see how therapy over the situations will help even with a compatible therapist. Realizing the cause of the bpd has been worse than my memories, because without any active effects of the past, I feel helpless about working out my problems. What's there to work on, after all? Without anything to work on, what hope of reducing the bpd symptoms can there possibly be? Learning the truth of the doc's observations has been worse on my mental health than any trauma I ever went thru.

This is probably the reason he discusses treatments and symptom control with patients, rather than actual diagnoses. I think I mentioned in the original post that it's to prevent overthinking, which I've fallen into a massive rabbit hole of now.

Idk. I hate blathering about this here and subjecting anyone with the attention span to my crazy. This site is the closest thing I have to private talk therapy tho, since it's the only one semi-locked. LJ would have been even better, but I got banned there years ago (a feat I'm quite proud of). Maybe I could actually use my dreamwidth... I can lock that down to actual followers-only like on LJ, right?

So, I was on my insurance account and while looking for something else came across a "diagnoses" page. Not technically, literally diagnoses, but the dsm or whatever codes provided for billing.

My pdoc, tho, seems to use them pretty literally based on when I saw on my check-out sheet after an appointment the code for bp1 for the first time after an appointment where I 1001% described a full manic episode (the first one I'd had in 10+ years). I don't see those sheets unless I ask for them, tho, and I haven't had a reason to ask for them for ages since I don't pay with FSA cards now.

So anyway, finding the diagnoses page on my insurance site. All these submissions, so so so many, for both Brian and I. The page doesn't list the patient for each one and all entries are sorted only by date, but since Brian and I only share one doctor and don't share any pre-existing conditions, it's obvious what belongs to who.

Apparently, I have bpd as well as bipolar and general anxiety/panic disorder?

I flipped my shit when I saw it on the list. How fucking dare he? And it'd been there the length of that insurance account, so obviously it'd been there even longer on older insurances. I mean, he's been treating me for.... At least 8 years, now? And it's never been mentioned?

Ofc, I realized a day or two later that, well... Maybe that reaction maybe kinda proved his point. He'd definitely think so. And while I have had outbursts in his office of varying emotions, the ones I've had IN HIS OFFICE I still feel are justified. Cause yep, I remember a bunch of specific ones. Buuuuuttttttt..... I have a bunch more, too, that he doesn't see or hear about, just like multiple full manic phases before seeing him. So, combined with some of my bipolar symptoms and in spite of others, I think he probably knows what he's doing, or whatever.

I just wish sometimes he had a different communication method. He doesn't name conditions if he doesn't have to; instead, he focuses with the patient (or at least, with me) on symptoms and treatments. And I mean, I do think that's effective because it doesn't give the opportunity to overthink conditions but... Idk, I'd like to know still, and he'll tell me directly if I ask, but I never realize until after that there's something to ask about.