#anyways the only problem with my otherwise great meal scheme of I Cook For The Whole Week is that if i mess up then i have to live with it

[quatregats]

I have managed to create a palak paneer so salty that I think by the end of the week my insides will be fully withered and dried. How, you ask? Well, you see, the recipe said to put in two tablespoons of salt, and I, like a fool, obliged

[fanfic-inator795]

Lego Batman Oneshot: Coon in the Cave

Plot: “How in the world did a raccoon even get in here?!” “Hmph. Raccoons are crafty creatures. They’re pretty much the bandits of the wild. Nature’s ninjas.” “It doesn’t seem all that bad to me.” “Life lesson #4, kid: Always expect the worst from an opponent - even the fluffy ones.”

((Inspired by an episode of The Batman (2004) called “Pets”. Pretty silly but hey, this IS the Lego!Verse so, what did you expect? Lol, anyway, enjoy! ^v^))

It had actually been a slow night for the Bat Family, for once. Criminal activity slowed during the afternoon, giving Bruce enough time to finish up any Wayne Enterprises work he had to do while Dick did some training on his own. The two heroes were even able to make it to supper on time, joining Alfred in the dining room while their cooked (COOKED, not reheated) food was still warm. A rare occasion, indeed!

Unfortunately (yet totally unsurprising) it couldn’t last, and just before Alfred could bring dessert out, the bright Bat-Signal suddenly appeared in the sky, indicating that it was time for the Dynamic Duo to get to work. 

“Sorry, Grandpa,” Dick told him with an apologetic smile as he tied his sparkly cape around his neck. 

Alfred however just waved him off, smiling slightly at the boy in return. “It’s quite alright, Master Dick. Duty calls, after all, and at least the three of us were able to share most of a meal together. You can also be certain that your dessert will still be waiting for you both when you return.”

“Hmph, good,” Batman mumbled as he ran towards the Bat-Mobile, trying to hide his own small smile. Sure, the Caped Crusader wasn’t the biggest fan of sweets, but when it came to Alfred’s, even he couldn’t resist having a couple bites. Honestly, with how good the butler’s desserts were, Batman was a bit surprised that no villain had tried threatening him for his recipes yet. 

Once the two heroes were in their seats and their seat belts were on, the Bat-Mobile roared to life and drove over a gap, up a ramp and through the hidden cave door, leaving Alfred behind as he watched them drive off. “Good luck,” he said quietly. Even after several decades of watching his master work, his feelings of worry and concern never completely went away. Then again, when you’re a father (or even a father figure), that tended to happen. 

Still, Alfred knew how to keep himself busy. Without any hesitation, he took out his feather duster and started dusting, still keeping one eye on the Bat-Computer’s screen just in case. ‘Might as well, while I’m down here,’ the butler thought to himself as the sound of the hidden door closing echoed through the deep cave, ‘and when I’m finished, I’ll head back upstairs and start on the dishes.’

For the first few minutes, everything was normal. There weren’t any other alerts from ‘Puter, and the dusting was just as easy as Alfred knew it would be. However, every so often, he would start to hear a small squeak. A sort of... scurry, maybe?

“Hm?” The older gentleman glanced up towards the top of the cave. A few of the bats were fluttering around, now that they were awake, but it didn’t look like they were causing any trouble. So, Alfred simply gave another small hum before shrugging it off. 

And yet, a few minutes later, he heard the noise again - and this time, he thought he saw something from out of the corner of his eye run into the shadows. “Hello?” he called out. But there was no answer.

Furrowing his brow, Alfred tried to continue his dusting. Though, despite his best efforts, he still ended up stopping every time he heard any sort of noise. A scurry, a growl, the scratch of a claw against rock or metal. He even noticed a couple of the lights start to flicker, as if someone was trying to play some sort of prank on him!

And by this point, the butler had had just about enough. “...Very well,” he mumbled, dropping his feather duster before rolling up his sleeves, “Whoever or whatever you are, if this is some sort of game, then I can assure that it is just about over...

()()()()()()()

“-So you see, you should only really make your hero-themed puns when you’re facing generic bad guys, otherwise you make puns based on the villain you’re fight or whatever scheme they’ve got going on. ...Though, I guess in your case, you’d make hero-themed puns while you’re fighting generic bad guys AND while you’re fighting the Penguin since, you know, you guys are both named after birds.”

“Ahh okay,” Robin nodded, “I think I get it now! Thanks, Batdad!”

Batman smiled back at him. “No problem, kid. Just another piece of great advice from the world’s best-” 

“Grandpa?” 

The Dark Knight blinked. “Uh, well, I was going to say something more like ‘hero-dad’ or ‘amazing vigilante’, but-”

“No, Dad, look!” “Huh?” Looking ahead once more as he stepped on the breaks, parking perfectly on the Bat-Mobile’s usual platform, he saw just what his sidekick/son was talking about. “Alfred?”

“Hm?” The butler - who was currently standing on top of one of the many control panels in the Batcave and using a flashlight to look behind it - looked up. “Oh, uh-”

“What the heck are you doing?” Batman asked as both he and Dick hopped out of the car.

Wanting to look at least somewhat composed, Alfred quickly climbed off the equipment. But even so, he couldn’t help but give a small huff as he started to explain. “Well, I was doing some dusting but, I could have sworn I heard something - or someone - crawling about, so-”

“Wait, an intruder?” the Dark Knight questioned, already getting out a bat-a-rang as he looked around.

“According to their light footing, I’d suspect it were a very small intruder,” Alfred commented, not looking quite as concerned but still annoyed, “It probably got in while the cave doors were open.”

Dick tilted his head a bit, curious. “So... like a mouse, maybe? Or, maybe it was one of the bats?”

“Bats don’t crawl, Master Dick,” Alfred told him, “And besides, it sounded a bit bigger than a mouse. ...And it growled.” Had it been a bit noisier and a bit more destructive, he would have suspected it to be one of Harley Quinn’s hyenas, put in the cave as some sort of joke. But no, their intruder was much sneakier than a hyena. 

So... what was it then?

“Well, as long as it’s not an actual person, I’d say don’t worry about it” Batman shrugged as he put away his weapon. Even if one of his villains could in theory train an animal for spying, it was pretty unlikely. Besides, they hadn’t even seen this creature yet, and he had more important things to take care of. “If it’s not gone already, it’ll probably just find its way out of the cave eventually.”

Alfred sighed slightly. “If you say so, Sir... I just can’t help but feel a bit concerned.”

“Aw, come on, Alfred. What’s the worst thing that could crawl in here? A rat or a possum? Some random bird?”

“Uhh, how about a raccoon?” Dick asked.

Immediately, the two men turned around and saw exactly what Dick was pointing at: A small, scruffy raccoon perched on one of the control panels with a shiny bat-a-rang from the Batcave’s arsenal in its paws.

“...Huh. Guess you were right, Alfred,” Batman said simply while his butler couldn’t help but cringe at the sight of the creature, “That is definitely bigger than a mouse.”

The Boy Wonder on the other hand just smiled at it. “Aww, I think he’s kinda cute! Like a cat, but with a mask and a fluffier tail.” Not wanting to scare it, Dick started to slowly walk towards the raccoon - but was immediately pulled back.

“Oh no, absolutely not!” Alfred told him as he kept a firm grip on Dick’s shoulders, “Master Dick, as... ‘cute’ as it may be, you are not to go near it! You could get rabies! Or fleas.” The elder man grimaced again. “Or both, which would honestly be pretty likely.”

“What, you mean like fleabies?” Batman asked. 

Alfred just gave him a flat look before scoffing slightly. “How in the world did a raccoon even get in here?!” 

“Hmph. Raccoons are crafty creatures,” Batman stated, crossing his arms, “They’re pretty much the bandits of the wild. Nature’s ninjas.” 

“It doesn’t seem all that bad to me,” Dick commented as he continued watching the raccoon, and smiled a bit when it started to cutely chew on the bat-a-rang.

“Life lesson #4, kid: Always expect the worst from an opponent - even the fluffy ones. Still, with my expert capturing skills and amazing lightning-fast reflexes, I’m sure getting this little guy out of here will be no problem at all.” With that, Batman reached into his utility belt, took out a small net-capsule, and slowly walked towards the curious critter. 

The raccoon titled it’s head at Batman, it’s tail rising slightly while the bat-a-rang remained in it’s mouth. “Easy, little guy,” the Dark Knight quietly told it, “Easy now...” Just a couple more steps. Closer... Closer... And-!

The raccoon suddenly growled, dropping to all fours. Of course, Batman had faced tough and intimidating opponents before - much more intimidating than a lost raccoon - but even so the sudden growl still made him flinch, just for a moment. And for the creature, a moment was all it took. 

With a loud squeak, the raccoon leapt off the control panel, running in-between Batman’s legs and across the floor. “I’ve got it, Batdad!” Dick shouted, managing to shake Alfred’s grip off him. The Boy Wonder made a dive for the creature, but just barely missed. “Shoot!”

“Get back here!” Batman yelled. He threw his net capsule, but the raccoon took a sharp right turn and ran down the raised path to the next platform, avoiding the net completely. And, before the trio could try to get anywhere near it again, the sneaky, speedy creature ran back into the shadows. 

Batman growled, admittedly a bit frustrated now. “Ugh, sneaky little ninja...” 

“Well, maybe since he knows that we’re here now and don’t want him around, he’ll escape on his own,” Dick shrugged.

“Or it could just hide itself deeper into the cave,” Alfred added, his frown deepening. 

“Whatever it is, we either have to catch it or make it leave.” Maybe the Dark Knight didn’t care about their little animal-intruder much before, but that was before the little rodent had outsmarted him. And now it was just running around in the Batcave like it owned the place! No way was Batman going to let this go now. “We just need a plan...”

“But he couldn’t have gotten far!” Dick told him, “We just have to split up! I mean, we could he even go-?” 

Before the Boy Wonder could finish his question, the lights above them flickered. ‘Puter’s screen fizzled out slightly before coming back, just as the lights flickered again. “Perhaps it found it’s way to where all the power source wires are,” Alfred dryly suggested, holding back a sigh. 

Batman on the other hand just smirked. “Hey, at least we know where it is now.” In one swift motion, he got out his bat-grappling hook and pointed it towards the far left-side of the cave, where he knew one of their power generators was located. “Come on, guys. Let’s catch us a-”

*WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO-WEE-WOO-!”

All three of them let out a scream, with Batman even dropping his tool so he could cover his ears. “What happened?!” Dick managed to shout over the alarm, “Which alarm is that for?!”

“Security? I think?!” Batman shouted back, “A little late to give us a security alert now, don’t you think, ‘Puter?!” However, the Bat-Computer didn’t reply. It’s screen simply flashed, occasionally going to static. 

“Ugh, that blasted creature must have chewed through enough wiring to trigger the alarm system!” Alfred exclaimed, “We have to shut it off!”

“I know, Alfred!” Batman shouted back at him, “Just give me a second to-” 

As the vigilante reached for his utility belt, still wincing at the blaring alarm, a new safety feature for the Batcave was activated. And, while it wasn’t another alarm, it was still just as annoying. 

Without any warning what-so-ever, cold water began to rain down from the ceiling, causing most of the bats above to squeak and flutter around. Both Dick and Alfred shrieked in surprise while Batman just clenched his teeth. His cowl might have protected his head from the water, but he could still feel it sinking into his now-cold suit.

“He turned on the sprinklers too?!” Dick shouted as he tried to shield himself with his cape.

“Well, that or it started a fire somewhere!” Alfred replied, already shivering, “And honestly, with how troublesome this raccoon is, it wouldn’t surprise me!” 

“It doesn’t matter!” Batman called back at them, “We can still shut it off!” Again, the vigilante reached for his utility belt. As he pulled a small device out of his pocket, a new noise started blasting from the Batcave sound system. Even with the alarm still going, he could make out the noise somewhat - and that noise just so happened to be music. Specifically, the music Batman played whenever he had a tuxedo dress-up party.

“Oh for the love of - Sir, why is that of all things connected to the Batcave’s main system?!” 

“I prepare for everything, Alfred! EVERY SITUATION! So don’t question my methods! They may be complicated but they still work!” With that, Batman held the device he had gotten out high above him. He pressed the button, and after a few moments things started to slow down.

The music faded out, the sprinklers came to a trickle, and the alarm FINALLY stopped, just as the Batcave went into complete darkness. 

“...Portable Batcave power-killer,” Batman explained, lowering his arm, “Just in case some villain tries to use any of the Batcave’s systems or computers for their own advantage. See Alfred? Every situation. I like I said, it works.” 

“Of course, Sir...” Alfred nodded, his old body relaxing despite the situation. After a couple moments, Batman pressed the device again, and the Batcave slowly came back to life. Unfortunately, only about half the lights came on, and ‘Puter’s screen stayed off. “It seems we’ll have to do some rewiring and rebooting later, Master Bruce. As well as a lot of cleaning...”

But even that seemed like an understatement. Along with all of them, nearly all the floors, furniture and items in the cave were completely covered in water. He was also certain that mixing water with a probably very dirty raccoon would lead to more than a few dirty paw prints and strands of wet fur to find and clean up. Tomorrow was going to be a very long day for the butler...

But, Alfred would worry about that later. “Even with all that racket, I’m sure our intruder’s still in here. If anything, it probably burrowed itself deeper into whatever corner or vent it could find.”

“Ugh, which means it’ll just be that much harder to find...” Batman sighed, “Great. Juuuust great...”

Suddenly, Dick let out a gasp, immediately getting his adopted father and grandfather/butler’s attention. “Oh!” With a grin, he raised his hand.

“...Yes, Dick?” Batman asked, pointing at him.

“Okay so, it would be hard to find him in a big cave like this, and even harder to catch him. Buuuut-” His smile grew, “What if we bring the raccoon to us?”

()()()()()()()()()()()

Thankfully, it didn’t take Alfred very long to whip something up some bait, and soon after the Dynamic Duo finished placing various nets and traps (humane and harmless ones, of course), he returned with a sparkling silver tray that was covered with a shiny metal dome.

“Well, what else is there to say I suppose except for, ‘bon appetite’.” With that, Alfred lifted the cover and revealed a perfectly cooked and seasoned piece of filet mignon (as well as a small side of fresh vegetables and two deviled eggs). 

Batman nodded in approval. “Nice. Good work, Alfred.” His son however just raised an eyebrow at the plate.

“Umm... No offense, Grandpa, this looks great. But... don’t raccoons like to eat garbage?”

“No offense taken, Master Dick. I’m aware of a raccoon’s usual diet. However, I simply figured the better the dish, the more tempting it’ll be.” And besides, digging through garbage definitely wasn’t one of his butler duties, and he wasn’t about to start doing it now even if he was wearing gloves. 

“It’ll be fine,” Batman insisted, “Okay. Both of you in your positions.” His teammates gave him a nod before running to their hiding spots - with Alfred’s being behind a control panel and Dick’s being behind the Bat-Mobile. As for Batman, he simply shot a grappling hook upwards and pulled himself onto the ceiling, where he simply clung to one of the stalactites hidden in the shadows and waited...

They could hear the sounds of scurrying and squeaking echoing around the cave, as well as the occasional clatter or rustle from it getting into something, so they knew that the raccoon was definitely still in the cave. Still, it took nearly fifteen minutes for the creature to make its way to the center of the dark hideaway, sniffing the air as it crept towards the bait. 

“Just a bit more...” The Dark Knight took out another net capsule, and narrowed his eyes. “Come on...”

Perching itself on its hind legs, the raccoon sniffed the plate some more. The humans surrounding it could feel their muscles tense. Almost there... Almost there... Finally, the creature took the filet into its paws and started chewing on it - and any guard or caution it might have had was pushed to the side. 

Now! With a grin, Batman tossed down his net. Unfortunately, even with the distraction, the net still has long enough of a fall for the raccoon to notice it and run off, the meat still in its mouth. 

“I’ve got him!” Dick shouted, hopping onto the roof of the car before making another dive for the creature. And this time, the Boy Wonder actually managed to get a hold of the raccoon’s tail - but unfortunately, the raccoon just dragged him along a bit until its speed and still-damp fur forced Dick to let go. “No!”

As the raccoon continued to run, it unknowingly headed towards one of the traps that had been set up. ...Or, perhaps it did know, considering that just before it could active it, the creature took a sharp left and avoided it completely.

“Oh come on!” Unhooking from the stalactite, Batman began to follow the raccoon from above, hoping for an opportunity to drop down on it. Unfortunately, before that opportunity came about, the raccoon ran into an open AC vent near the racks of Batman costumes - with several of these costumes now containing scratches, bite marks and missing fabric.

Growling, Batman dove down and tried to go after it through the vent himself. Unfortunately- “Argh! Too buff!” he winced as he struggled, just barely managing to pull himself back out of the opening. “Robin! Alfred! It’s coming back towards you!”

“On it, Padre!” Dick replied as he ran, a net already in his hands. He could see the raccoon coming out of the vent, all he had to do was just corner it before it could escape again. “Okay, little guy, it’s time to- AH!” 

“Master Dick, are you alright?!”

“Y-Yeah!” Dick felt his foot slip out from underneath him. The floor of the cave was still wet, and this spot must have been particularly slippery! Still, he managed to catch himself just before he could fall to the ground, but by the time he regained his footing, the raccoon was back on the run. “Awww!” he groaned.

“Just stay focused!” he heard his father shout at him as another trap hidden in the cave actually managed to get activated. Though, instead of a net, it was a huge, blinding spotlight!

Dropping it’s half-eaten meat, the raccoon screeched and ran away from the light. Occasionally it would try turning left or right, but a tossed bat-a-rang or bird-a-rang would make it double-back. There were also more nets and ropes to be snagged on, but the clever creature always managed to either slip past them or jump across them. 

No matter how many traps they laid or how often they tried to grab it, the raccoon still managed to keep running - running all the way up to ‘Puter’s main control panel. It tried to jump up onto the actual panel, but another bat-a-rang thrown its way scared that idea away. 

“Easy now...” “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna hurt you!” The Dynamic Duo stepped closer to it, just barely extending their arms out.

The raccoon suddenly growled, lifting its tail up as it barred it’s teeth and prepared it’s claws. The heroes froze for just a moment before moving their hands towards it just a bit more. The raccoon’s growl got even louder. It crouched down, and-!

*SLAM!*

Without even realizing that there was a third human in the waiting, the raccoon had suddenly been trapped, caught within a silver dome! “YES!” the duo cheered - and they certainly weren’t the only ones happy.

“Ha! Game, set and match, you furry rapscallion!” Alfred said as he held the silver cover down, smirking a bit. 

His two masters smiled at him. “Heh, nice victory one-liner, Alfred,” Batman commented while Dick crouched down, looking at his reflection in the silver as he heard the raccoon growl and whine. 

“Aww, poor little guy...”

“Don’t worry, Master Dick,” Alfred told him, “I can assure you we aren’t going to keep it under a tray cover for any longer than we have to.”

Surprisingly, it was actually easier to put the raccoon into a kennel than it was catching the darn thing in the first place. Once that was taken care of, it was off to one of Gotham’s parks to set it free. 

“Bye, little guy!” Dick grinned as he waved it off. The raccoon just looked at him for a moment before running off behind one of the park’s trash cans. 

“Remember to stay out of the Batcave!” Batman added before turning back to his family. “Man, am I glad that’s all taken care of.”

“As am I, Sir,” Alfred nodded, “Now, I believe you two have some desserts to eat?” That definitely got their attention, with Batman not even trying to hide his excitement. He just ran off towards the Bat-mobile with Dick as Alfred followed from behind. 

However, as he walked, he couldn’t help but add under his breath, “And hopefully that is the last raccoon-intruder instance we’ll have to deal with.” Though, after having to deal with it for a few hours, the old butler had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time it caused trouble for someone...

()()()()()()()()()()

“Absolutely not!” “No way are we keeping it!” “Don’t you have enough pets, woman?”

“Aww, come on!” Harley Quinn pleaded, holding the slightly squirming raccoon in her arms, “Look at this cute little gal, she’s adorable! Look, she’s got a little mask and everything! Raccoons are pretty much the thieves of the animal world, so she could be our own little rogue mascot!”

“But it dug up my flowers!” Poison Ivy argued, narrowing her eyes.

“And stole berries from my birds!” the Penguin squawked angrily. 

“It scratched up one of my coins too!” Two-Face added, “After it tried stealing it!”

“And don’t forget how it chased my poor kitties!” Catwoman hissed.

“...Okay but, other than those things, name one thing that would be wrong with keepin’ her!”

“Ugh, what are you guys arguing about now?” The group turned around to see the Joker - hair slightly messy and eyes tired after spending a whole day planning for his next big scheme to cause funny chaos and defeat Batman. Unfortunately, before any of the villains could give any details, Harley skated over and held the raccoon up for her clown BFF to see. 

“Boo-Boo, don’t you agree that we should keep this gal around?” she asked, “She just wandered in here lookin’ for some food, so why not keep her?”

The Clown Prince of Crime gave a hum as he stared at the masked creature. “Weeeell, I don’t know... another animal could really put us into a tailspin if it’s too much trouble.” The raccoon wagged its tail a bit, and the Joker gave it a toothy grin. “But, on the other paw, you can’t furry love, and this cute raccoon’s already got ME over the coon about it!”

Unable to help themselves now, the two clowns just laughed as loud as they could. And, as they started to pet their new furry accomplice (still giggling and grinning all the while), the other villains simply groaned - both at the bad comedy and at the fact that they would be stuck with another one of Harley’s pets. 

It didn’t even matter if they tried to argue now. Once the jokes and puns started, they knew that they had already lost.

THE END