#anyways that’s like a deep seated irrational fear of mine at this point??

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

I thought hostage situations would be a bigger problem in my life as an adult

[gumnut-logic]

Feel the Earth Breathe

Title: Feel the Earth Breathe

Warm Rain Series

Author: Numnut

15-18 Oct 2018

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: He carried her.

Word count: 6403

Spoilers & warnings: Virgil/Kayo

Timeline: Some time after Lug Day.

Author’s note: For Bow Echo. I hope things get better soon, thank you for all your wonderful support. I have no idea what this fic is about or what the heck happened. Virgil, as usual, managed to take over ::glares at him:: and really, I got lost. I hope you enjoy it anyway. I think there are a couple of good lines in there somewhere :D

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

She was being carried.

The gentle sway of a walk, the brush of tough fabric against her cheek, aftershave. The deep rumble of baritone, urgent.

Virgil.

The name swam to the surface of the confusion.

Safety.

Brother.

What happened? She reached for her memory and found nothing. She had no idea how she came to be in this position.

She opened her eyes, but she couldn’t see. Everything spun. She shut them again as her stomach roiled.

Panic loomed.

“Kayo?” His voice was soft. The walking stopped. “We’re almost there.”

A whimper.

“It’s okay, hon, it’s okay.” There was a brush of a kiss on her forehead. “We’re nearly there.”

Where?

She clung to him, the only familiarity in a sea of confusion.

The walking began again. The gentle sway was lulling. The rumble of his voice, he was talking to her, quietly, words of reassurance. His scent filled her nostrils, his aftershave mixed with sweat and dirt.

Dirt.

Under her fingernails.

The image flickered in her mind and panic came with it.

“Shhh, you’re safe. I’ve got you.”

Another whimper.

His grip tightened.

And then he was laying her gently down on something soft. Her head spun at the change in position and she was swept away.

-o-o-o-

Scott Tracy leant on the door to the infirmary and stared at his younger brother’s hunched back.

Virgil’s yell over the comms, the lack of response from Kayo, the desperate dive of his brother into that ice crevasse...

Virgil was running his hand through his hair, staring at his unconscious sister’s bed. Silently Scott slipped into the room and placed a hand on his shoulder, hoping it would bring some calm. The obvious dumb question.“You okay?”

His brother startled just a little, his brown eyes darting up at him. “I-“ He let a rough breath out and shook his head, looking down and away.

Scott’s lips thinned a moment before he grabbed a chair and sat down beside his best friend. “She’s going to be okay.”

“I know.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know.”

There was silence again.

“You were right.” He could barely hear Virgil’s whisper.

“What?”

“You were right.”

“I’m happy that you’ve seen the light, but it would help if you could be more specific.”

“I like Kayo.”

A moment. “Oh.”

“I think I love her.”

“Okay.” A pause. “Does she know?”

“No.”

“So?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay.” He reached out a hand and gripped his brother’s shoulder once again.

“I heard her fall.” Virgil licked his dry lips. “She didn’t answer. And I had to-“

“I know.” Those minutes had been pure hell. Virgil’s frantic yell, his mad scramble down the ice crevasse. They had saved three people today, the two climbers and their sister. “Brains said the belay pin was faulty.”

Virgil turned in his seat, his eyes fiery. “Faulty? I checked all the equipment myself!”

“Hey, it was a manufacturing flaw in the alloy. You couldn’t have known. He’s already sent a report to the manufacturer. We won’t be purchasing from them again.”

Virgil slumped.

“She is going to be okay. She was lucky. She had you.”

“She broke both her ankles.”

“Yes. She was lucky.”

Virgil looked up at him, his eyes fragile.

Whispered. “Yes, she was.”

-o-o-o-

Clarity returned slowly. She was curled on her side on something soft, her head was foggy and a little painful, her body felt heavy. Opening her eyes proved to be a challenge. They stuck together.

“You can do it, honey.” A soft baritone with a smile.

She forced a blink and a blurry blob appeared in front of her. It was bright and she scrunched her eyes shut.

“Oh, hold on a second.” There was the sound of a blind being drawn. Her eyelids dimmed. Movement. Soft footsteps. The bed, it was a bed, moved just slightly. “Now try again.”

She could only do as she was told. Her eyelids opened again and the blurry blob transformed itself into a dark haired, smiling brother. Virgil had his arms on the edge of her bed, his chin on his hands. His brown eyes were filled with his smile. “Hey, beautiful.”

She couldn’t help but return that infectious smile.

“How are you feeling?”

A frown broke her smile. “Headache.”

“Not surprised. That was quite a concussion.”

She reached a hand to her head. “Who hit me?”

“Khumbu Glacier.”

“What?”

He sat up. “How much do you remember?”

She thought back. “We were on Thunderbird Two. Call out to the Himalayas. You and I were going to rappel down...” A frown. “Did I fall?”

“Yes, you did.” His expression was tight.

Another frown. “I-“ She stopped. Her legs were heavy. “Wha-?” Lifting the covers, she reached down...

He caught her questing hand. “You’re going to be okay.”

“What did I do?!”

His expression fell a bit. “You broke both of your ankles, honey. Nothing permanent, I promise.” His hand squeezed hers.

“Both of them?”

An eyebrow arched. “Yeah, you kinda landed on them.”

“Damn.” A thought. “The climbers?”

“Better off than you.”

“How long?”

“Six weeks minimum, plus rehab.”

Her expression must have revealed her thoughts on the matter, because he reached out and touched her face. “Hey, c’mon. It could have been much worse.” And she saw it in his eyes, his fear was blatant.

Grow a spine, Kayo. “I’m fine.”

He frowned at her. “Kay?”

She forced a smile. “I’m good.”

She knew he would have said more, his frown deepening, but at that moment they were interrupted by Alan peering into the room. “Hey, you’re awake!” Her youngest brother literally bounded into the room. “How are you feeling?”

And as more members of their family found their way in, Virgil faded into the background. A presence hovering at a distance. Scott smiled at her, but she saw him look askance at his next youngest brother. Virgil barely shrugged, his arms folded in front of him. She frowned, but Grandma had a bunch of flowers from the garden and Scott was smiling at her. She didn’t see him leave.

-o-o-o-

“I’ve got something for you.”

Virgil was standing in the doorway, a silly grin on his face.

Uh, oh.

She put down the orange juice on the bed table. “What are you up to?”

The grin just got bigger.

His arm was hidden by the door jam...until it wasn’t. He held out something green and fluffy.

“Oh my god.” It was a Thunderbird Two plushy. She stared. “Where did you get that from?”

He walked into the room, his grin still splitting his face. “They’re selling them. I just had to get you one.”

She couldn’t help it, she smirked. “So you got me a Thunderbird Two?”

“Well, yeah, I thought she could keep you company.”

“She?”

“Of course.” And he reached over, gently lifted her arm and snuggled the fluffy toy to her side. “There you go.”

Kayo looked down at the fluffy green furry nose staring up at her, then back at him. “So no Thunderbird Shadows?”

He rolled his eyes and put on a completely put out expression. “Okay, here you go.” And he reached around the door jamb and came back with a fluffy approximation of her beautiful ‘bird.

She reached up and grabbed it out of his hands. “Now that’s more like it.”

His pout was hilarious.

“In that case, I’ll have my ‘bird back.” He reached for fluffy TB2.

“Oh, no you don’t.” And she held onto the fluffy monstrosity. “He’s mine now.”

“He?”

“Of course.” She grinned at him.

The put-upon expression was nearly as hilarious as the pout.

“Okay, then I guess you’ll be wanting the rest of them.” And he managed to produce a Thunderbird One, Three, Four And Five and lined them up all on her bed table. “Though you may have to lock them up. They may wander.” He was grinning again.

“Does Scott know about these?”

“Nope.” Still grinning.

“Oh dear.”

“Yup.”

“I’m probably never going to see them again.”

“Probably not.”

“Well, just as well I have the two important ones.”

“Definitely.”

She smiled at him. “Thank you, Virgil.”

His grin softened to a smile. “Anytime, hon.” And to her astonishment, he backed out of the room and left.

She stared at the empty doorway for a moment. Wha-?

Looking down at the green plushy under her arm, she had the irrational urge to ask it to explain.

“Is that Thunderbird Three?!”

And Alan was suddenly at her bedside. She rolled her eyes. She hadn’t even had a chance to touch it yet.

-o-o-o-

“This is embarrassing?”

“Why?”

Her glare had no effect on Virgil as he helped her out of the bed covers. Fortunately Grandma had been helping her with the female necessities, including earlier into some loose sweats and t-shirt. Unfortunately, Grandma couldn’t carry her down the stairs. “It feels stupid.”

He stopped, staring at her. “This is hardly the first time, I’ve picked you up.”

“I was twelve, Virgil, and we were dancing.”

He was obviously holding back a laugh. “Oh, is that what we were doing?”

She hit him.

“Ow. Your muscle tone has definitely improved since then.” He rubbed his arm.

“So has yours.”

An arched eyebrow. “C’mon, it will be over before you know it.” He offered his arms.

With a sigh, she acquiesced.

He reached around her shoulders, his hand under her arm and clasping her waist, his other arm under her legs. She felt his muscles move as he took her weight. “There, are you comfortable?”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. “It will do.”

“You know, I could ask Scott to carry you next time, or Alan.”

He definitely deserved the thawp this time.

“Is this how you treat all your beasts of burden?” He was walking them down the stairs into the kitchen.

“I only have one beast.”

“Hah! Then I guess that makes you the Beauty.”

His grin was obviously making a point of ignoring her glare.

Then they were climbing the stairs to the comms room, his abdominal muscles moving against her hip.

“And here we are.” He turned her slightly so she could see the sofas. Scott grinned at them from the desk. She glared at him too and was just as equally ignored. “Where would you like to sit?”

She waved at a random couch. “There will do.”

A few more steps and he was gently settling her down. On impulse she drew him closer a moment and pecked a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Virgil.”

“Uh, you’re welcome.” Was that a blush? “Anytime.” And he was elevating her plastered feet onto a footrest.

She frowned at him as he sat beside her. The rest of the family flew in from several different directions, each of them greeting her with a grin or a smile as they arrived for the briefing. She didn’t fail to notice that while Virgil seemed absolutely fine throughout the meeting, not once did he look at her for the next forty minutes.

When the briefing ended, he finally turned to her, a small smile on his lips. “M’Lady, may I h’assist you?”

She levelled another glare at him.

“Shall I take that as a yes?”

“I think I would prefer Virgil rather than Parker as my ‘beast of burden’.”

“Your wish is my command.” He bowed at the waist.

She rolled her eyes. “You are such an idiot.”

“Anything for you, m’dear.” His arms were around her again and the world moved. “Where to, oh, gracious one?”

Wrapping her arms once again around her neck, she caught a sudden whiff of his aftershave. A flash, and a memory surfaced. “You carried me?”

“Uh, yeah.”

She tapped his shoulder. “No, no, when I was hurt. You carried me.”

“Yes, I did. Why?”

“I just remembered.” She lay her head against him, once again wrapped in that sense of safety. “Thank you.”

“As I said, anytime, hon.” And he tipped his head so it touched hers. “Anytime.”

She chewed her lip. “Can we go outside? Sit by the pool?”

“Sure. Your wish, my command, yada-yada.”

As he moved towards the stairs, she thwapped him gently again on the shoulder.

Idiot.

-o-o-o-

“Kayo?”

She jumped and her whole body complained. Ugh. What the hell?

“You okay?” Scott’s soft voice was worried.

A blink and she realised she was seated at the situation desk in the comms room. There had been a mission...

Oh, hell, had she fallen asleep? She straightened up, calling up the mission status. Her legs were throbbing.

His hand landed gently on hers. “It’s okay. Mission complete.” He smiled. “And don’t worry, both John and Grandma had their eyes on you.” A smirk. “And no doubt, Virgil.”

“Why? Where is he?” Why wasn’t he here?

“Hey, he’s fine. Just a few bruises. I ordered him to bed.”

She looked at him. “And that worked?”

“His alternative was the infirmary and an ass kicking from you.”

“That would work.”

“That it did.”

“Now, may I offer my assistance to help you to your room?”

She stared at the digital read out on the desk. 4am. That explained the impromptu snooze, she just wasn’t up to par. A sigh. “Yes, thank you.”

Scott was taller than Virgil. He was still in his uniform, and there was the smell of smoke and dirt. She shivered as he lifted her. She draped an arm around his shoulders.

“Sorry about the smell. I thought you’d prefer to be in bed sooner rather than later.”

“Not a concern.”

They didn’t talk as he climbed the stairs to her room. It was obvious he was tired. As he lowered her to her bed, she did have one question. “Did you manage to save all of them?”

His eyes dropped. “No.”

Damn.

“How many?”

“Thirty survived, eleven didn’t.”

Hell.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.”

He made sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. Being Scott, he fussed somewhat and in the end she ordered him to bed.

He smirked.

She threatened to throw her pillow at him.

“Okay, okay. Contact me if you need anything.”

As if. He was dead on his feet.

“Shower and bed, Scott.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Her Thunderbird Shadow plushie hit him in the head.

“I’m going!” He threw the toy back on to her bed and made a break for it.

She grabbed the plushie before it could fall on the floor. Curling around it, she tried her best not to think of the eleven kids who wouldn’t be returning to their beds tonight.

-o-o-o-

She woke late the next day. She suspected the rest of the house did the same as it was very quiet even at 9am. But then Grandma arrived to help her with her morning routine, and, to her surprise, Gordon.

“Hey, Tin, heard you slept on the desk last night.”

“Ignore him, dear. I just brought him to be a pack mule.”

“Hey, pack horse at least. I have breeding after all.”

Kayo smirked. “You do?”

“Most certainly.” He stuck his nose in the air. “Thoroughbred Tracy all the way.”

“And that’s a good thing?”

“I have medals to prove it.”

“More proof of your fish lineage, I would think. Seahorse?”

He considered it. “Nah. Too slow.”

Grandma was staring back and forth between them. “Now I know why I usually ask Virgil, he’s quieter.”

Kayo frowned. “Is he okay?”

Gordon answered. “He just needs his beauty sleep.”

She stared at her second youngest brother. “But he is okay?” She couldn’t remember anything happening to him last night and Scott had said just bruises...

“He’ll be fine.”

“Will be? What about now?” Now she was worried.

Gordon held up his hands. “He’s fine.”

“Scott said he had some bruising.”

“Well, yeah. He’s just sleeping it off.”

She glared at him.

“Kayo, he is fine. I have no doubt that once he wakes up, he will drop in and reassure you. In fact, I will make sure he does. Okay?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Okay.”

His eyes widened just a little. “Good, because you are scary.”

His grandmother poked him in the ribs. “Probably because she has been stuck in that bed for the last five hours. Move it, kiddo, and help your sister.”

Gordon gulped. “That means I need to get closer.”

“Move it.”

“Tell Alan to look after my fish.” His exaggeration of his fear of her was both amusing and annoying. Pretty much the definition of Gordon.

Her fishy brother was smaller than his two eldest, but his upper body strength was toned solidly from many hours of swimming. He was also very careful with her. This was a man who had known injury. His movements were fluid and precise.

The fact he had to carry her to the bathroom was a fact she chose to ignore. Though she did remember doing something similar for him on one or two occasions. He was respectful and kept his jokes out of that particular room.

With Grandma’s help she managed her morning ablutions.

“Brains has a surprise for you.” Gordon was obviously excited about something.

She finished brushing her hair, quickly tying it back and out of the way. “He does?”

“Are you ready, dear?”

“Yes, thank you, Grandma.” She looked up at her brother and smiled just a little. “And thank you, too, Gordon.”

“Does this mean you won’t feed me to your plushies?”

He was hit in the head with Thunderbird Shadow.

A knock on the door forestalled any response her brother might have had and Grandma let in Brains, pushing a hover chair.

“K-Kayo, sorry a-about the delay. I-I needed to modify it to manage the s-stairs and the hangars.”

She stared at the chair. He had obviously modified it much more than that. It was the sleekest hover chair she had ever seen. It had even been trimmed in silver and black and branded down its sides were the words ‘Thunderbird imPatient’.

“Don’t tell me you strapped a rocket to it?” Gordon managed to say it before she did.

Brains looked thoughtful. “V-Virgil didn’t think that was a very g-good idea.” He frowned. “Or the VTOL for that m-matter.”

Kayo’s eyes widened. Was he serious?

This was their brilliant engineer. Of course, he was.

“Wow, thank you, Brains.” She couldn’t help but stare at the machine.

Moments later Gordon had her settled in the seat and she strapped herself in. Her legs were lifted and supported in front of her, and as Brains ran through the controls and capabilities, she realised exactly what this was.

It was freedom.

-o-o-o-

It was two days before she saw Virgil again. And that was only because she cornered Scott and Gordon and threatened to throttle them both. Scott’s expression was amusing, caught somewhere between commander and brother-to-Medusa. Gordon was simple, he was just terrified and broke first.

“He’s in the infirmary.”

Scott glared at him.

“What? Why? You said he was okay.”

Her eldest brother was defensive. “He is! Just some bruising. He didn’t want to worry you.”

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Uh, that was the other reason.” Scott’s tone was definitely slipping into the commander range. “He has the right to confidentiality, Kayo.”

“He’s hiding from me?”

“Kinda.”

Scott glared at his brother. “Shut up, Gordon.”

“What exactly happened?” At this rate she was going to kill three out of five of her brothers.

The commander sat down behind the desk, his professional facade falling into place. She didn’t like the change, but realised why moments later.

“The last eleven children were in the gym. Virgil was making his way to them when the roof collapsed. Fortunately his exo-suit and helmet took most of the impact. The children were not as fortunate.”

She swallowed. “His injuries?”

“As I said, bruising. Black eye, bruised ribs. Sprained wrist.”

“How did he get a black eye when he was wearing his helmet?”

Scott swallowed before looking her in the eye. “A piece of rebar breached his helmet.”

She stared at him.

Scott reached out and touched her arm. “Please, Kayo, he just needs a little time.”

“I need to see him.”

“Kayo, please-“

“He doesn’t even need to be awake. He doesn’t need to know. I just need to see him.”

Caught between siblings, she could see the cogs of decision spinning behind his eyes. “Okay. But he can never know.”

“He won’t.”

Two hours later, Scott came to her room and lifted her into his arms. Without a word, he carried her down the corridor to the infirmary. Ever so quietly, he slipped into the room where a huddled form lay on the partly elevated bed. It was dim, but she could clearly see her brother. The right side of his face was horribly swollen, his eye almost hidden and black. A butterfly bandage dressed a gash on the very edge of his eye socket.

Oh so close. She bit her lip.

“You and I are going to have words, Scott.”

“Shit.” The word was breathed out by the man carrying her.

One brown eye, dark in the dim light, was staring up at both of them. “Hey, Kayo.”

“Virgil.” She held everything in.

That eye blinked slowly. “Looks that bad, huh?” And he levered himself upright, obviously with some difficulty.

“Damn it, Virgil, lie down.” Scott was frowning again.

“I’m fine.” His arm curled around his ribs.

“Please put me down, Scott.”

He looked at her as if he had forgotten she was in his arms, before gently, if hurriedly, depositing her in the empty chair beside the bed. A place she had no doubt, he had been spending some of his time.

“We’re a great pair now, aren’t we?”And the idiot was smirking at her.

She looked up at Scott. “Could I have a moment with him, please?”

He inevitably glanced askance at Virgil, who waved him out of the room. “Go.”

Their eldest brother threw up his hands and stalked out.

And then they were alone.

“Sorry.” She knew that would be the first word out of his mouth.

“For what?”

“For not being there.”

“Wrong answer.”

“What?”

“Why are you hiding from me?”

“I’m not hiding.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Uh, injury.” He pointed to his eye.

“Bullshit.”

Unbelievably he tried to raise his eyebrow and winced.

She rolled her eyes. “Why didn’t you want me to know?”

“Didn’t want you to worry.”

“I worried anyway. I haven’t seen you for two days.”

“I’ve been busy?”

“Virgil you have been with me through this from the day it happened. Did you think I wouldn’t notice if you suddenly disappeared?”

He shrugged. “Didn’t really want you to see me like this.”

“What? Why? I’ve seen you passed out drunk on the front lawn. I’ve seen you vomit in the car. Hell, there was the time Gordon shaved off your eyebrows and half your hair. Why is this any different?”

Another shrug, but he didn’t say anything further.

There was something more to this, she just didn’t know what. Perhaps another angle.

“Thank you for Thunderbird imPatient.”

He looked up, a half smile crooked on his face. “She’s cool isn’t she.”

“Yes, he is.” And it was her turn to smirk at his strangled expression. “Nice paintwork.”

The half smile returned.

She called the chair on her wrist comm.He watched his eye as it followed her actions. “Wanna ride?”

“Uh, no, not yet. Bruised ribs.”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“I’ve had worse.”

There was silence for a moment and she simply looked at him, studying his features, his posture. The hum of the hoverchair arriving was their only interruption.

“You need to rest. I’m missing my ‘beast of burden’.”

“You don’t need me anymore, you have TBimP.”

She pinned him with her eyes. “I will always need you, Virgil Tracy.”

He actually flinched backwards, wincing as he hurt his ribs again.

She frowned, reaching out a hand to touch his knee. “What is it?”

“Nothing.” He wilted. “Just tired.”

What the hell?

“Virgil?”

“Kayo, please, I-I just need some time.”

Now really worried. “Okay.”

He managed another half smile, before finally, and awkwardly, lowering himself back down on the bed. She didn’t miss his stifled groan.

“Sorry.”

She gripped his arm. “Get some rest.”

“Yes, ma’am. Your wish is my command.”

“I’d hit you, but I might actually hurt you.”

A snort. “Does that mean I win?”

“No, you’ve just banked for your future.”

“Great.”

“Now get better. I don’t like Scott’s aftershave.”

“What?!”

And she grinned.

-o-o-o-

It was late evening when Scott found Virgil on the balcony that night. It was a familiar sight. His brother stood, eyes closed, feet planted shoulder width apart, hands clasped behind him.

Feeling the breeze.

Scott stepped up beside him. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” He didn’t open his eyes. “Why did you tell her?”

“She needed to know.”

“Why?”

“She was worried about you.”

Virgil sighed.

“Honestly, Virg, I don’t think she cares what you look like.”

He didn’t need to look at his brother to feel the glare shot at him. “You think this was all for vanity?”

Scott turned to face his brother, somewhat annoyed. “Well, Virgil, what is your reason? Because you’ve been far from clear to anyone.”

Virgil shifted from one foot to the other. “I hate this.”

“Hate what?”

“Being incapable.”

A frown. “Incapable of what?” It was like pulling teeth.

“Incapable of being able to help her!”

“Kayo?”

“No, the frickin’ tooth fairy. Who do you think?”

Scott blinked. “Really?”

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“Kayo can kick your ass. She doesn’t need anyone’s help.”

“Exactly. It was kind of nice to be useful to her, and now I’m useless.”

“Are you nuts?”

Virgil stared at him.

“All this moping, hiding in the infirmary for two days - and don’t you doubt that I’ll use Kayo to get your ass in there if I need to - all because you don’t feel useful?”

His brother half-shrugged. “Never said I was perfect.”

“Never said you were stupid either.”

“Hey!”

“Kayo is not going to care if you are useful or not, anymore than I would.”

“It is frustrating! She needs help and I can’t help her. And I have to watch-“

“You’re jealous?! Are you kidding me?”

“Well, not really, but it is annoying.”

“Do you realise you sound just like Alan when he is whining because he can’t get his own way?”

“Hey!”

“You’re the one who is doing it.” He sighed. Be the strong one. Younger brothers need it...though not usually this one. He put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Virg, she already loves you.”

“Yeah, as a brother.”

“That is more of headstart than most get. She’s already seen you at your worst. Remember your neo-punk era?”

Virgil groaned.

“Exactly. She’s family. She couldn’t run screaming anymore than the rest of us could.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” He smiled. “Just be yourself, Virg. And when the right moment comes, make a move.”

His brother looked at him sideways. “Sage advice?”

“I’m your big brother, I’m not that ancient.”

“Give it time.”

“I’d cuff the back of your head, but I might rattle something loose in there.” His hand shifted until his arm was around his brother’s shoulder. “She’s going to be quite happy just to have your company. She always has. You don’t need to be carting her around the house in those massive arms of yours.”

“Now who’s jealous?”

“No-one. She’s not as light as she looks.”

“Now you’re kidding me.”

“Uh, no, muscle is heavy and she has her fair share.”

“Sounds like you need to make some more of your own.”

“I’m quite happy with my physique, thank you very much. Not all of us have to be built for heavy lifting. My flight packs can only take so much weight.”

“Excuses, excuses.”

“A couple of weeks and you should be back to being her pack mule, don’t worry. In the meantime, take advantage of the fact both of you are on downtime and have some fun.” He shrugged. “Take her on a picnic or something.”

Virgil was staring at him.

“And stop being an idiot. She might start thinking you have a screw looser than she thought.”

“Thank you for your vote of confidence, big brother.”

“That’s what we’re for, slapping you when you need it.”

“I’ll remember to tell John that one.”

“Don’t worry, I already have. Just didn’t think I’d need to tell you.”

“You are on a roll tonight, aren’t you.”

“It appears so.”

Virgil turned to face him, placing both his big hands on Scott’s shoulders. “Thank you, big brother, for being both big and my brother.”

Scott smirked. “You are welcome.”

“Though not as big as some.”

The smirk disappeared.

“Oh, and Kayo hates your aftershave.”

And with that Virgil grinned, turned and walked back into the lounge.

“What? What’s wrong with my aftershave?”

Virgil just chuckled and waved his hand vaguely in his direction as he left the room.

-o-o-o-

He surprised her by appearing at her door two days later, first thing in the morning. “I’m thinking of taking a walk. Want to come?”

His face was till a mess and it hurt to look at him, but it was getter better, ever so slowly.

“Sure. Give me a moment and I’ll get the chair.”

Both his hands clenched. Even his right one, restrained by its wrist brace.

What? He didn’t like the chair?

It whizzed past him, but he didn’t react. She levered herself off the bed, dragging her casts into position. Just in the periphery of her vision she saw him take a step forward, but stop.

“Are you alright?”

He straightened. “Fine. You?”

She grit her teeth. “Totally fine.”

He led her down to the pool and off on to the coastal path. It was an easy walk with few gradients, to the point that the boys had labelled it the Invalid Path as it was usually the only one they could manage after a major injury.

It was also the first step back to health.

It ran all along the coast of the island with pleasant views of the beaches and the offshore coral reefs. She knew it was one of Virgil’s favourites. She had caught him painting various scapes along its length over the years.

She let him set the pace, her chair humming along beside him. She also let him choose the conversation.

“How are your ankles?”

“That is not a line you hear many men ask a woman.”

He snorted softly. “Well, normally I wouldn’t have to ask as I could quite amply see your fine ankles. Unfortunately, their slender elegance is currently obscured by several layers of plaster of Paris.” He half-frowned down looking at them. “Which appear to be still spotless after two weeks. How on Earth did you manage that with Gordon in the house?”

She simply looked at him.

“Okay, you have a point.” He tilted his head to one side. “Remind me to hire you as my bodyguard next time I break a bone.”

It was her turn to snort. “My ankles are intermittently painful and itchy. They have been known to make me cranky.”

He took an exaggerated step away. “Should I fear for my life?”

“Not at the moment.” She smiled at him. “Though that may change at any time without notice.”

An arched eyebrow. “Note taken.”

They walked on further for some time without talking. The path wandered past Thunderbird Two’s runway, through the palm trees and around the bluff created by mountain that housed TB2. The coastline beyond was totally wild and untamed. She heard him draw in a deep breath as they reached the top of a short cliff. The wind was coming off the ocean and it caught his hair, playing with it and she realised that he had no product in it. It was flopping onto his forehead.

“Feel that?”

“Feel what?”

“The wind.”

And to her surprise he closed his eyes, held up his arms and turned into the wind. It streamed his hair, his shirt, the flannel flapping in the strong breeze.

She raised one hand and let the wind blow through her fingers.

“Feel the Earth breathe.”

Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything.

He stood there for a moment totally absorbed, his fingers twitching against the breeze.

She found she wanted to touch him with no idea why.

But the moment passed and he was turning to look at her, a bright smile attempting to form on his broken face. “Try it.”

“What?” She stared at him.

“I want to show it to you.”

“Okay.” A little hesitant.

He beckoned her forward, so she moved into position where he had been been moments before.

Standing behind her, he gently lifted her arms up until they were perpendicular to her body, and spread her fingers wide. His breath was on her ear. “Now close your eyes and feel the planet breathing.”

She did as he asked.

The wind caressed her face, slipped between her fingers and played with her hair. She felt his fingers touching her gently as he slipped off her hair tie, letting the wind catch the strands of her hair, let it flow through her.

She took in a breath, that same cool air now caressing her lungs.

The world breathed around her.

It was exhilarating.

She held the moment.

And opened her eyes.

To find him crouched beside her, grinning like a loon.

“Did you feel it?”

“Yes.”

“That wind has been blowing for millions of years. Those waves on the shore have travelled halfway around the world through an ocean that is that same millions of years old. This moment exists only now, yet forever.”

She stared at him.

“Why?”

He blinked. “What?”

“Why do you do that?”

A shrug. “It feels good? It grounds me? Perhaps it helps pale the world’s troubles into insignificance.” He tilted his head to the undamaged side. “It helps.” He looked down at her hair tie as his fingers played with it. “I just thought it might help you, too.”

And she realised he was sharing something important with her. She imagined him trying to explain the concept to any of his brothers. Maybe John might understand and at a stretch Scott, but this was artistic Virgil to the core. The same piano playing, paint throwing creative, standing on a cliff and interpreting the world around him.

Honestly, she was with Scott on this, but it meant a great deal that he trusted her enough to share something that was so obviously important to him. “It is beautiful, Virgil.”

His smile was worth it.

-o-o-o-

Time passed as it always does and injuries healed. First Virgil’s face and his ribs. It took a few weeks, but he was eventually able to replace Gordon in assisting his sister. He was quite happy to hear that he was a welcome return. Apparently Gordon was great in small doses only. He once again had the opportunity of Kayo’s arms around his neck, her head tucked into his shoulder.

They did take advantage of the time off, and there was a picnic, but Alan and Gordon party crashed two minutes in, followed by Grandma with a stash of cookies. It went downhill after that. There were even ants and rain.

But there were some evenings of simply talking. They had always held a good conversation, despite their different interests. Perhaps it was because of those different interests that their conversations were so in-depth. She truly seemed to respect his ideas and points of view. As for him, he found her fascinating. Her strategic thinking rivalled his engineering skills and between them they were a force to contend with.

They were a notorious team in online gaming and somewhat feared across the net. Alan was quite proud of them.

So time passed, most of it pleasantly, later speckled with Virgil taking on his usual duties with IR. And soon Kayo had her casts cut off (still clean except for one little sketch of Thunderbird Shadow just below her left knee and a red flower on her right ankle - the first done on request by Virgil, the second unknown, but suspect Virgil).

Kayo powered through her rehab, and before long, his sister was sliding back into her own duties with IR. And while he missed helping her around the house, it was good to have her back and happy doing what she loved.

And if he returned to his room late one night and found a Thunderbird Shadow plushie on his bed, he never mentioned it to anyone.

Several months later after throwing himself from a train to save a toddler, he never mentioned hugging it late at night when it all became too much.

Nor how it had made the voyage from his room to the infirmary.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

[eyelidsi]

a

1/

The first thing to note is that I was alone when I had that seizure in a World Market in Harvey. I was alone before it happened, and while it happened, and after it happened too. Not alone in the World Market, I mean alone everywhere.

I’d just left my husband in Chicago, packing as much of my stuff into my CR-V on a day that is was snowing. I made so many trips from my apartment to the car that the snow around me turned to a dirty icy slush that lapped at my calves. He helped me. I knew I was leaving for good deep down, knew he wouldn’t be following in the coming months like we’d planned. He didn’t know. If ever a person could be blindsided, he was. Simultaneously the bravest and most cowardly thing I’ve ever done. 

2/ 

I don’t have answers when people ask me what changed. All I know is that for twenty-three years, I saw my depression as a shameful secret, something I shouldn’t disclose to others, something I should fight against to make sure it didn’t dictate my life in any substantial ways. And then one day I realized I couldn’t fight it, not like that. I would never conquer it. I needed - instead of repelling it - to integrate it into my lifestyle. And everyone that didn’t agree with this notion needed to be out of my life. 

This caused me to make the hardest decisions of my life, decisions I know other see as selfish. They were selfish, as selfish as decisions could possibly be. And by this, I mean that if I hadn’t made them I wouldn’t be able to keep myself alive. I am sure that if I had remained stagnant, I would have physically removed myself from the world. There’s this longing and peace one gets at times like this when they look at that soft thin part of their wrists.

And I know still that many people think these decisions were poor decisions, rash decisions from an angsty silly little girl who thought she was in crisis, but who was undeserving of crisis. But I have never regretted those decisions. Not once. And for someone who has lived their entire life with crippling guilt, this is major.

3/

And now here I was standing in a store 20 minutes drive from New Orleans, just staring at shower curtains. I’d never lived somewhere so nice, that lonely little shotgun I rented for three months, probably 1200 square feet of space with a mattress on the floor and a couch in the living room and a few records on the windowsills - the rest just empty space. The shower was the tallest shower I’d ever seen, so the sad curtain I’d brought with me fell about three feet too short, scattering water all over the floor. 

So I was looking for a new shower curtain, and I started feeling faint. I turned around, now facing a shelf of soap. I was turned fully around facing that shelf of soap but I was still seeing shower curtains. And I remember thinking this is weird, I’ve turned around to look at the soaps but I’m looking instead at the shower curtains, like a double exposure. And then I thought, I am seeing out of the back of my head and how strange.

I have a brief memory from the concrete floor, looking upward with too much light above me, strangers’s faces hovering above mine, almost comically, and then I’m in a hospital bed. I’m not really sure what happened in the hours in between.

I was sitting in a rollaway bed in the hallway of an ER. It took me a bit to realize that I’d lost my glasses and that I’d also pissed myself. I think I fell back asleep. I was embarrassed and alone and wanted so badly to not exist at that moment. I remember a doctor asking me questions but I don’t remember what the questions were. I remember going in to a room and having my head scanned. And I remember watching tv in a tiny room while I waited for the results and wishing that the Three Stooges were on, because the last time I was hospitalized was when I was pretty young that’s all I watched in bed. I can’t remember what I was watching instead.

They said they didn’t know why I had the seizure. I’d never had one before. The doctor said it was probably stress, which I found curious because I’d been stressed my entire life.

They sent me home. They asked if they could call someone to come pick me up but there was no one. So they called me a cab and told me to go home, but instead I told the driver to please take me to the World Market parking lot, hoping she couldn’t smell me from the front seat. She asked a few questions that I didn’t respond to and dropped me off. I picked up my car and drove back to my empty house on Banks Street. I childishly assumed I’d be scolded for driving myself home, but there was no one around to give a shit. I can’t remember if I called anyone about this. Maybe my mom. I parked my car and took a shower with my short shower curtain spraying water all over the floor and I crawled in to bed and fell asleep naked.

4/ 

I was on antidepressants in one form or another for ten years. Not on and off for ten years, but steadily and willingly taking antidepressants daily for an entire decade. Somewhere around the time of my seizure, I stopped taking them. Abruptly. Which was another thing I expected to be chastised for, but no one followed-up when my prescription expired. I can’t remember exactly when I stopped and I’m not sure it was a conscious decision, it definitely wasn’t a sound one. One day I was taking my prescribed doses of the Ability and Zoloft cocktail doctors had perfected over the years. One day I wasn’t. I continued to pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy, I think for another 5 months. I have a stockpile in my medicine cabinet even now. There must be hundreds of pills all huddled together in plastic containers.

There were incredible withdrawals. I felt consistently nauseous for at least 6 months. I lost 15 pounds, which if you knew me, you’d ask where those came from, but regardless, they’re now gone.

After, I felt like a few things changed.

I can’t tell if these are all in my head, but I was never able to distinguish irrational thoughts from rational ones anyways, that the whole point of my anxiety. Before, I had a very good singing voice. Not that I sounded particular beautiful, but I could find notes and harmonies without thinking. Now, though I can carry a tune, I find myself stumbling into using notes that don’t make any sense with the situation. And this makes me sad.

My memory is not as sharp anymore either. I’ve always felt like I’ve had an incredible memory, bringing up tiny details from years and years before. Now, my short term memory struggles. And memories feel fuzzy at best. I can’t remember details which is scary. 

These few reasons contribute to why I have this nagging feeling that I’m actually dead.

5/ 

It sort of feels like the short stint I spent living in London. It was a beautiful city, but it was just enough off from America that it felt awkwardly and outstandingly foreign. I never did quite feel relaxed there, like I was living in a mirror version of my world.

It sort of feels like that, except that instead of London, I feel as if I might be living in death, dead in death.

I heard about Cotard disease once on the radio a few months after my seizure and something about it made sense. I haven’t quite figured out why or what makes sense, but there’s something there. I often feel like I’m not planted in reality, drunk without alcohol, unable to pin anything down in my head. Like I don’t think I myself am real. 

6/

Also during this time, I cut a foot off my hair, got into four car accidents, spent my nights and early morning with a bottle in the French Quarter, started posing for my own nude self portraits and adopted a cat. I think to outsiders, it probably looked like I was losing my mind. The thing about that though was that I had lost my mind a long time ago but as just now allowing my madness to manifest itself as a form of release.  

It’s not like I could become un-crazy. 

7/ 

Around then, I also started neurotically taking showers, about three a day. They were safe, a sanctuary. I would cry and contemplate death, but my tears mixed with the water and somehow felt at home. I had severe panic attacks, I’d never had ones like this before - an open window of time in which one feels like they are certainly about to die.

That’s the weird thing about anxiety in this way, a person’s willingness to die but their fear of misunderstanding it.