#anyways take a wild guess to whom i associate this song now

[hauntingblue]

Song of the day btw

[buckys-black-dress]

stargazing (bucky barnes x fem!reader)

a/n: so this idea totally just came to me because this trope is honestly so cute and i love these and i need to get this out of my system. i listened to stargazing by the neighborhood while writing this and i LOVE this song, so i’d recommend listening while reading! (just listen to the whole album).

also-- happy new year! 2020 quite literally fucked us up but im so grateful this year was the one where i decided to come on here and share my work with yall. i love every single one of my readers, so THANK YOU! anyways, without further ado...

enjoy my dearies!!! -ali

wc: 2.8k

- 

When you first became best friends with Rebecca Barnes in preschool, the last place you’d expected to end up was with a massive crush on her older brother.

James, or Bucky, as he likes to be called my his close friends, was basically the perfect guy for you. He was kind, witty, and didn’t treat you like a child. (Anymore). 

Now that you had graduated high school and were in you first year of college, Bucky was in his second year. And things were getting rough. 

You were a Cognitive Psychology major, and your main interest was in becoming an occupational therapist. You were attending Columbia University. 

And of course, so was Bucky, studying English Literature. Rebecca was studying at FIT, her main interest being in fashion design. All three of you couldn’t bear to leave New York City, so you all decided to stay nearby. 

Since all three of you were in the same area, more or less, you three remained close and tight-knit. Since you were still a freshman, you decided to dorm on campus, while Rebecca and Bucky did the same. Bucky was in a fraternity, so he had a place in the house, and you often found yourself hanging out in his room, having been introduced to most of his brothers.

Like today, it was Thursday night, and your classes were cancelled for tomorrow. You were in no rush to get back to your room, and your roommate was also out at her boyfriend’s. Rebecca thought you were finishing up an essay, though. 

“Y/N, you’re crashing here tonight?” Bucky’s voice caused his chest to rumble under your place on it. 

“Yeah, is that alright?” You asked, looking up at him.

“Of course, Y/N/N.” He smiled back down at you, trying to ignore the fluttering in his chest at your doe eyes. 

She’s your sister’s best friend. Becca would hate you.

“I’m gonna wash up before I fall asleep, Buck.” You said with a yawn, lifting yourself off of Bucky’s warm, comfortable bed. 

Bucky watched your form disappear out of his room to the bathroom next door, his chest deflating with a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. 

I’m so fucked.

-

Making your short walk to the bathroom, your mind was filled with thoughts, and you really didn’t know what to do in this current situation. 

You and Becca had been best friends since you were both in preschool.

And now you were pretty certain that you had the biggest crush known to humankind on her older brother. 

Staring at your reflection in the mirror as you pat your face dry, you wondered what would happen if this went further. 

What would happen if you told Bucky that you liked him?

What would Becca do if she knew you liked her brother?

Shaking your head at yourself, you knew you couldn’t do that to Becca. She’s been there for you through everything that’s happened to you. To just turn around and tell her that you’ve fallen for her brother- you don’t know if that would be the right thing to do.

But how could you just outwardly deny your feelings for Bucky?

A knock on the bathroom door drew you out of your thoughts, letting whoever was knocking know that they could come in. 

“Hey, Y/N, how ya been?” It was one of Bucky’s closest friends whom you also knew growing up, Steve Rogers. 

“Hey Steve, I’m good. How ‘bout you?” You asked, getting ready to head back to Bucky’s room. 

“Good, good, y’know, Peg’s keepin’ me on my toes.” He flashed you a smile, a blush creeping up on his face at the mention of his girlfriend. 

“Aw, Stevie’s in loooove,” You sing-songed, pinching his cheek.

“Well, I think I could say the same for you, Y/N/N.” Steve scoffed back in retort, but your breath hitched at the words.

“Shut up, Steve...” You mumbled, twiddling your fingers. 

“Y/N, I’m serious... You and Buck ‘ve been spending a lot of time together and I can tell. He’s my best friend, and I know when my best friend is taken for someone. Trust me, Y/N, your feelings aren’t one-sided.” And with that, he steps into the bathroom, leaving you reeling at his words.

Lost in your thought again, you walked back to Bucky’s room. You tucked yourself under his warm duvet, as you fell into a deep slumber with his arm wrapped around your waist, thinking about the weight of it around you as you fell asleep.

- 

The next morning was... quiet... to say the least. After your encounter with Steve in the bathroom, you really didn’t know how to feel about your feelings towards Bucky. He felt the tenseness that was rolling off of you in waves, making him wonder if he did something to make you upset. 

Bucky wondered if he was doing too much, wondering if he had caused you to be uncomfortable with him for some reason.

So naturally, he pulled back.

As the days went on and got colder, you found yourself spending more time in your dorm, or places that weren’t associated with Bucky in your mind. 

And it was safe to say the both of you were losing it.

Bucky was slowly losing his composure, where he would participate the most in his seminar classes, he was quiet and folded in on himself, losing his confidence. 

Where you were the most outspoken on certain topics in your classes, you became a bit of a hermit. 

And almost everyone noticed.

Most notably, Becca and Steve.

When you returned from class at the end of a long week without Bucky, you invited Becca over to have take out in your room.

“So, how’s your week been?” She asks, reaching into your takeout box and grabbing a piece of garlic honey chicken.

Rolling your eyes, you say “Fine, same old. You? How’d that design project go?” 

“It was awesome! My professor really loved my piece, she said it was one of the ‘most original takes’ on this project she’s seen!” Becca was ecstatic and you were so proud of her.

“That’s so awesome, Bec! One day you’re gonna have to make me something that I can wear, and when someone asks me where I got it, I’ll just say, ‘oh, sorry my best friend made it, you’ll have to wait ‘til it hits the runways to buy it.’” You laugh, pointing your chopsticks at her.

“Y/N, stop, you flatterer.” She smirked, looking back down at her food. “Hey, I’ve also been meaning to ask... have you noticed Bucky acting weird as of late, or anything? Is it just me or is he like... way more quiet than usual?” Becca asked inquisitively. 

“Oh- uh, I actually have no idea. I haven’t really seen him that much this week. Just around campus here and there.” You shrug your shoulders, the pit in your stomach nagging at you.

“Really? You guys usually hang out more often...” She responds, and your face burns in embarrassment. 

“Wh- How do you know how often your brother and I hang out?” Your voice didn’t even feel like your own as you spoke, quickly occupying it with food.

“Well, he does live with Steve... Apparently you’re around there pretty often.” Rebecca eyes you, seeing your body language and how uncomfortable you seem. “Y/N... If you like my brother, that’s okay. I think you guys would be cute together. And I can tell you like him, so don’t try to deny it.” Becca smiles, reaching to rest a hand on yours in comfort. 

“Wh- You don’t care?” You ask in confusion, expecting a bit of a more dramatic reaction. 

“Of course I care, I care about my two favorite people being happy. And if they’re happy together, then that’s even better!” She explains, and your head spins.

“I- I’m telling you this in confidence, Becca. You can’t tell anyone, not Steve, not Peggy, and absolutely not Bucky...” She nods, moving closer to you. “I...I do like Bucky. A lot. But I don’t think he likes me that way. I mean, just look at his exes. I’m not like Natasha, or those gorgeous girls. And what if he just sees me as his friend. Like a little sister?” You finish, your hands flailing around and out of breath. 

“Y/N... I know my brother, but I can’t read his mind. If I had to take a wild guess... I’d say he likes you too. Based on what Steve tells me, based on how Bucky acts when you come up in conversation... his eyes light up, dude. I think you need to talk to him, face to face.” Rebecca explains, giving her best advice. “You both deserve to be happy, and I think you could both give that to each other.” She softly smiles. 

“Thanks, Becca. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You laugh, pulling her into a tight hug. “I’ll talk to him.”

- 

In the frat house across the campus, Steve and Bucky were sitting in the living room amongst some of their other brothers. 

“Buck, what’s been up with you this week?” Tony, a senior and president of the frat asks from the kitchen.

“Hm?” Bucky looks up, confused at the question.

“You’ve been... off all week long.” Sam chimes in from next to him on the couch, eyes leaving the football match on the TV.

“I’m fine, why?” Bucky deflects, taking a sip of his drink in hand.

“Whatever you say, but I have a feeling this has to do with Y/N... haven’t seen her around here at all this week.” Tony points out, plopping down on a futon. 

Steve’s eyes widened, looking down at his phone that he’s been on all night.

Little did Bucky know, Rebecca was feeding him information about you to him directly, trying to make sense of his friend’s odd behavior this week.

His eyes shot to Bucky’s, trying to gauge his reaction to Tony’s mention of you.

“Yeah, she’s been.... busy, I guess. Haven’t really talked to her.” Bucky says nonchalantly. 

“Why not? You two are basically attached at the hip... like, Friday nights are usually your thing together. I thought you’d man up and ask her out already.” Sam’s response caused a stillness in the room, everyone looking at Bucky for his next move. 

But it was quiet. 

“She’s... she’s my sister’s best friend... I don’t think Becca would appreciate me taking her best friend out to dinner.” Bucky said in a low voice, clearing his throat. 

“Have you asked her how she feels about it?” Thor asks from his spot on the other couch. “Maybe she’s fine with it, she doesn’t seem to be too stuck up...” He suggests.

“My sister isn’t stuck up, man. Watch it.” He responds defensively. 

“I wasn’t saying that! But you should talk to her about it, that’s all I’m saying!” Thor fights back. 

“I just- I don’t know, last week when Y/N was here, she went to the bathroom to wash up at night, and when she came back she was acting totally different. She’s usually comfortable around me, but she was acting like... like she was uncomfortable around me. I thought I did something to make her feel that way, so I kinda backed off this week.” Bucky explains, trying to understand what went wrong.

“Well, did she say anything? Did she try to reach out this week?” Tony asks. 

“I mean, she texted me a few times, but it was casual conversation. I can’t tell how she’s feeling. I like her, but I don’t want to make things weird for her and Becca, or Becca and I.” 

And this is where Steve chimes in. 

“I mean, come on Buck, it’s obvious she likes you too. I think you need to talk to her, because Becca wants you two to be happy. I don’t think she’d care that much, y’know?”

“But what if I make things awkward? Like, what if I read the signals wrong this whole time, and she doesn’t even really like me?” Bucky was now going into a deep spiral, and Steve needed to pull him out, fast. 

“Buck, I don’t think so. You should talk to her, face to face.” Steve encouraged.

“You think so?” Bucky wasn’t so convinced.

“Yes!” A chorus of voices echoed in the house, causing Bucky to jump to his feet, ready to confront this head-on.

“Okay, yeah, yes, I’m gonna tell her how I feel. I got this, I’ll be fine-” But his pumping-up session was cut short from the doorbell ringing through the house.

Steve got up, “I got it.” He simply said, smirking mischievously as he turned to face the door and twisted the knob.

And of course, it was none other than you.

“Hey Buck? I think it’s for you!” Steve yells from the doorway, stepping out of the way and directing everyone in the living room to hide out of sight. Of course, they were all still eavesdropping and lurking about.

“Doll, what’re ya doin’ here?” Bucky was beyond confused, you timing was impeccable. 

“I-I have some things I wanna talk about. I just, I think we need to talk.” You say, looking up at him.

“Y-Yeah, come inside, it’s freezing out. What’s up, doll?” He asks, pulling you into the house and into the living room, sitting down next to you on a couch, making sure to face you. 

“Everything’s alright... but I need to get this off my chest before I go crazy-” You stop yourself from rambling further. “I was having dinner with Becca earlier, and we... talked... about some things. And apparently, someone was telling her about all the time we spend together.” Bucky was listening, but cursing Steve in his head, knowing he was behind it. 

“And I know last week I was acting weird, but I promise, it wasn’t because of something you did. Well, it kinda was, b-but not something bad, y’know?” You explain, trying to get Bucky to understand how you feel.

“Whaddaya mean, doll? If I did something, tell me, because I would never want to hurt you-” He started, trying to pinpoint his actions. 

“You made me like you! There, you happy?” You exclaim, hands covering your cherry red face. “I said it! I like you. And I totally understand if you don’t feel the same way, I’m just your little sister’s annoying friend, I get it-” 

But instead of the feeling of rejection, you were met with Bucky’s lips on yours, his hands cupping your cheeks.

Bucky was kissing you.

Bucky was kissing you!

Holy fuck!

What. The. Fuck. 

But before you could overthink anything, you heard loud whoops and cheers coming from all around you.

“What the hell? Steve?” You asked, looking around, trying to process the last minute.

“Finally! Took ya two idiots long enough! God, Becca and I didn’t know how much longer we’d have to be your freakin’ puppet masters.” He laughed from his spot in the kitchen. 

“Come on doll, let’s go upstairs to talk, where we could have some privacy...” Bucky said pointedly, looking at his brothers as they kept cheering as you two made your way up the stairs. 

- 

Once the door closed behind you two, you were quite literally speechless.

“You kissed me.” You pointed out the obvious, since your mind was still reeling.

“I did.” Bucky simply answers.

“...Why?” You ask, like an idiot. 

“Because, for the past three years I’ve had the biggest crush known to man on you... and I knew if I didn’t kiss you then, I never would. Kind of a life or death situation here, doll.” He jokes trying to gauge your mood.

“Bucky...” You sighed, walking closer to him, holding his face, “you can kiss me whenever you want.” And punctuated your sentence with a kiss. 

“Well... then... can I call you my girlfriend?” He asks, looking into your twinkling eyes. Bucky’s large hands cover your waist, pulling you closer against him.

“Yeah... I think you can.” You answer, the sparkle never leaving your eyes.

“Hmmm... finally.” Bucky hums, closing the gap between your lips over and over again. 

Your loud giggle fills the room as Bucky peppers kisses all over your face, trying to make up for lost time. 

“Hey, make sure to use protection, kids!” someone’s voice comes from down the hall from’s Bucky’s room.

“Shut up, Sam!” You both yell in unison, resuming your previous activities.

And in this moment, there’s nowhere else either of you would rather be. 

[boaws]

BOAWS Top Records of 2019

20 – Control Top – Covert Contracts (Get Better)

Sometimes you sit around and you try and think about what makes an album good or why you like it as much as you do and it's not entirely easy to narrow it down to one or two things. Usually there are some distinctive parts or sounds that strike me, but occasionally there are albums like Covert Contracts that bring together a number influences and pull them off quite nicely...and it just simply rips. I guess the three years between their debut EP and this first full-length were well spent refining whatever they were ingesting musically at the time, as what came out is a wild blast of post-punk that spans decades worth of sounds/eras that all fit along snugly next to one another on Convert Contracts. Is it going to reinvent the genre? Absolutely not. But is it kind of dance-able while also trying to smoothly hide that black eyeliner? Yup. It sure is. But it's also really good at doing it too. Control Top - Unapologetic (stream) BUY IT! 19 – Spotlights – Love & Decay (Ipecac)

Spotlights ride the fine line between post-metal and shoegaze, which I'm usually a little weary of because boy oh boy is there a lot of those bands and all those big riffs generally amount to a big old snoozefest. However, Spotlights caught my attention awhile back when their named popped up when playing alongside Hum on one of their many sporadic appearances. Turns out Spotlights weren't too shabby and their album Seismic was a bit of a winner too. They've since released their second album for Ipecac records and it takes the balance between the two aforementioned genres and toes that line even further. Love & Decay tweaks things a bit closer to the metal side of things, but still with some Midwestern flair and creativity in the realm of melody and definitely has the layers to appeal to the shoegaze crowd. Spotlights - Xerox (stream) BUY IT! 18 – Spit-Take – Falling Star (Dead Broke)

Spit-Take have been scattered around these pages plenty of times before, usually good for churning out two or three songs per release that make me appreciate them all that much more. Falling Star would mark their third full-length effort and it's about as consistent of a record that I've heard them release that sees them navigate though a pleasant balance of classic indie-rock/power-pop vibes while also throwing out some very Midwestern-ish clanky emo run throughs (“How”), which is usually always a good way to work your way into my memory. Short and sweet and available on both cassette and LP. Spit-Take - How (stream) BUY IT! 17 – VR Sex – Human Traffic Jam (Dais)

This is basically an alter ego of Andrew Clinco of Drab Majesty, wherein he typically goes by the alias of Deb Demure...here he opts for Noel Skum. I'm taking a guess that it's supposed to reflect the shift into a grimier/noisier side of the dreamy landscape that Drab Majesty typically inhabits. VR Sex contain much of the same undertones of something that Mr. Clinco would be associated with, remaining vastly catchy and rhythmic but now the game is a disassociated future where technology has apparently ruined society and now it gets darker, louder, and muddled in filth. Skum indeed. I'm not so sure the message is as conveyed as the presser would like one to believe, but I enjoy the tunes from a standpoint that it sounds like a slightly more modern Sisters of Mercy, Red Lorry Yellow Lorry or something along those lines. Not bad. I guess Human Traffic Jam will gain another level of appreciation years from now if it ends up hitting the nail on the head and we do in fact find ourselves in some type of Black Mirror episode. VR Sex - Sacred Limousine (stream) BUY IT! 16 – Cave In – Final Transmission (Hydrahead)

The trajectory for Cave In over the years has been one of the more interesting ones. Once a premier metalcore/hardcore band, they pulled the rug out from just about everyone and released their second album Jupiter, which sounded nearly like a different band...showcasing big hooks, melodies, and definitely a large infatuation with space-rock themes. I naturally loved it and was actually kind of excited for some reason when I saw that they had landed on a major label for their third album Antenna. Sadly it didn't go as planned and it was pretty much over after that album came and went without moving the needle a whole lot. Fast forward a handful of years following major label disappointment, the band suffers the tragic loss of bassist Caleb Scofield. The band had been in the process of recording/demoing for their first album in 8 years up until the point of his death and the recordings on Final Transmission are a collection of those. Andrew Schneider and James Plotkin did a nice job in smoothing out some of the rougher edges around what were mostly unfinished recordings, cause honestly I can't really tell in most places and the songs stand on their own for the most part. Final Transmission is, or likely would have been, an album that plants itself right in between Jupiter and Antenna, circling back to some of the spacey atmosphere and guitar tones that fed greatly into both of those albums sound. Possibly the album they would have made if RCA hadn't come knocking? Although it's unknown to me whether this is an actual final statement for the band, if it does indeed end up being that, it's a good'n. Cave In - Night Crawler (stream) BUY IT! 15 – The Bismarck – We Will Never Be Young Again (Self-Released)

The Bismarck have been around long enough to still have an actual website that hasn't been updated in years. As someone who still pays yearly hosting costs for some dumb reason and haven't quite convinced myself not to anymore, I guess I get it...but I know that's gotta be costly. The band is firmly in the PRF rock stable of bands, so that right there should give most of you an idea of what The Bismarck bring to the table. Over a run of what I think is five albums now, We Will Never Be Young Again seems to be an album that wants to prove defiant of its title, coming with full fire and energy and holy shit...anthems? Yeah. A song title like “Fuck You, Let's Boogie” certainly seems like something you could easily write off, but ends up being a bona fide gem of a tune. Solid album all the away around and if it ends up being to your liking, they have a rather deep catalog to pull from if curiosity strikes. The Bismarck - Fuck You, Let's Boogie (stream) BUY IT! 14 – Crumb – Jinx (Self-Released)

First album for the Brooklyn based Crumb and I'd thought I'd heard an EP or something before this, but upon further research, it would appear I hadn't. This introduction is fine enough anyway, wherein they combine that niche of slacker ethos that worked its way through a number of indie bands in the 90's and spin it with a chilled loungy/psych thing. Maybe a tinge of jazz influence here and there, but more or less it sticks to the poppy psych side of it all, leaving for a very breezy and smooth 28 minutes of music. The ambiance, or I guess mood, of Jinx is pretty heavy throughout, likely forcing the album to be something that is relegated to particular times of which it strikes just right, however when it does...it certainly works. Crumb - The Letter (stream) BUY IT! 13 – Razorlegs – Skip Skool (Self-Released)

Latest cassette from this improvisational noise/psych outfit, each side consisting of its own roughly 18 minute long descent into fuzz, pummel and blown amps. Side one is “Transistor Love” and gets things going with a rapid paced drum explosion that contends to outpace the entirety of the track, leaving me seemingly off balance for the duration. There are faint voices coming and going as the track progresses into its squalls of feedback and I'm left to envision that this is to mimic the joys of still using the radio dial (FM mute OFF...no cheaters) and then it promptly ends...picking back up with another steady drum beat that steers pretty much the rest of the track from one critical guitar injury to another. Flip the tape, you have “Skip Skool” and we're off with a death march of drums and the sputtering flare ups of distortion before turning into a full fledged burnt out psych mantra, sounding like it's trying to rip and tear its way off the tape that it was laid on to. Razorlegs - Transistor Love (stream) BUY IT! 12 – Breastmilk – Bliss (Chicago Research)

Chicago Research put out a variety of things this past year that I thought were all very solid in their own uniquely bleak and disturbing way, however Breastmilk kind of wins out of for things to play in the background if you genuinely want someone to be creeped out while being in your house. An interesting take on downtempo, that reaches its grimy fingers into the same head spaces of Throbbing Gristle, Nurse With Wound or the likes. An ebb and flowing bass churn scrapes along for 18 minutes of whatever hellscape this may be, the opener “Transient” using a ring-back tone to voicemail sample to unnerving ability. Not to mention a woman sobbing to the background of glass shattering and various other noises on “Jesus Piece”. Breastmilk provides the soundtrack for the horror, however part of the fun of Bliss is the open ended scenarios of whom and what it's playing for... Breastmilk - Transient (stream) BUY IT! 11 – HTRK – Venus in Leo (Ghostly International)

It sure doesn't feel like it's been roughly five years since HTRK released the excellent Psychic 9-5 Club, but that's the case. Following the death of co-founding member Sean Stewart, HTRK continued forward as a duo and have seen their sound venture further into the electronic world; relinquishing the heavy low end found on early recordings while cold pulses of bass and synth have since flooded over. Remaining consistent has been Jonnine Standish's vocal presence throughout, one that dictates the miscues, misery and loneliness in hushed breathy swoops. On their fourth effort, Venus in Leo, Standish and guitarist Nigel Yang return to the same nighttime introspection of regret, however with Yang's shimmering guitars coming back into play more so than we've heard in quite a while...fading in and out of the background. I kind of miss the heavy minimalism, almost deep-house vibe, that Psychic 9-5 Club had...but melancholy plays out in many different ways...and Venus in Leo seems to be the way HTRK wanted to tackle it this time. No matter, it's still immensely enjoyable. HTRK - Dream Symbol (stream) BUY IT! 10 – Jessica Pratt – Quiet Signs (Drag City)

Funny note, Quiet Signs was one of the first albums of 2019 that I really liked and accordingly I included one of the tunes from it on that respective months mix. My now fiance listened to it and then sent me a picture of the name of the song that was on and simply said “hate this”. Noted. It's OK though, we still love each other. How could you hate something as serene as Quiet Signs? Anyway, Jessica Pratt has been honing in her sound for several years now and took the plunge with her third album to record in a proper studio, which resulted in an album that sounds really far removed from being recorded in a proper studio oddly enough. The sparseness in instrumentation and the dreamlike echoes of Pratt's voice feel like both are in the same room with you, but still somehow a million miles away...or if that I'm not careful enough the whole thing will disappear entirely. It's the indescribable feeling of distance and brief lapses of clarity that make Quiet Signs so beautiful sounding. It comes and goes all too quick however, so I'll be anxiously awaiting the next appearance from Jessica Pratt. Jessica Pratt - This Time Around (stream) BUY IT! 09 – Notches – New Kind of Love (Dead Broke / Salinas)

Was blown away by Notches and their debut record High Speed Crimes around three or so years ago. It was pretty much everything I could ask for in a pop/punk record, bringing plenty of fuzz/distortion and a heaping fuck ton of melody. While New Kind of Love doesn't necessarily register on that same scale with me, it's still a fantastic record from a band that continues to peel off some of the catchiest material within the genre. It being the bands third album and all, it's kind of fun noticing them “growing older” of sorts and moving away from the turned up to “11” mindset. It's about the song now man, I mean it's always been I'm sure, but now it's no longer buried underneath a sheet of distortion. Can't blame them. I entered my listening to public talk radio in the car phase of my life here not too long. Totally feel ya. Give these guys a listen please. Notches - Funny How (stream) BUY IT! 08 – Dry Cleaning – Boundary Road Snacks and Drinks (It's OK)

From the opener “Dog Proposal” Dry Cleaning establishes very quickly that Boundary Road Snacks and Drinks is exhausting. I don't mean that in the negative sense either. The second EP from the UK based post-punk group is merely informing all of you out there that life is just extra fucking exhausting. Because it most certainly is. Singer Florence Shaw takes the six songs on this EP and crams so much of our current day-to-day nonsense in it that I'm basically getting an anxiety attack listening to this sucker. However, the honesty is appreciated and the contradicting jauntiness of some of these tunes is an excellent way to remind that no matter how tired I am that everything else is going to keep rolling as it always has. While there are much bigger issues at hand that Dry Cleaning tackle throughout, it's the debilitation of everything as a whole that Boundary Road Snacks and Drinks really conveys the most. After two excellent samplings from the band, it's pretty terrifying to think of the destruction on my nerves that they could cause with a full-length. Time will hopefully tell. Dry Cleaning - Viking Hair (stream) BUY IT! 07 – Kim Gordon – No Home Record (Matador)

It had never really occurred to me that Kim Gordon had never released a solo album up until this point of her lengthy career. I was kind of blown away by that to be honest. I guess it's just that Thurston Moore seems to fart one out here and there, so I'd assumed Gordon had done the same. However, as it stands, No Home Record is Kim Gordon's first solo effort and completely took me by surprise. Maybe I'd expected it to sound much like her material in Body/Head? I don't know. Or for it to be closer threaded to Sonic Youth? That's unfair, I know, but it is what it is. The good deal is that No Home Record is completely left field of about anything I expected; that takes equal parts no-wave and drags it through the glitch/industrial minefield. Gordon's voice fits right in with it all, adding to the instability and jarring nature of practically everything on this record. I'd never thought I would have wished for a Kim Gordon experimental electronica record, but it's 2020 baby and things are apparently really fucking different now. Fantastic stuff. Kim Gordon - Don't Play It (stream) BUY IT! 06 – Joshua Abrams Natural Information Society – Mandatory Reality (Eremite)

I somehow wish I could have this album playing practically the entire time I'm at work (it's almost long enough), but unfortunately my boss sits perched only a mere few feet away from me to ensure that maximum stress is achieved. Joshua Abrams and the NIC have created an absolutely astonishing collection of work on Mandatory Reality that is likely easier to zone out to than to deliberately ignore. You'll want to, because wherever Mandatory Reality exists, the grass is most certainly greener and I'm frantically waving my ticket to hop aboard whatever space-age craft is going to take me there at any given time. But really more to the actual music, Joshua Abrams and the NIC have laid out 4 slow moving, borderline minimalist, pieces of avant-garde jazz that sooth and calm the bludgeoning attempts of our actual mandatory reality sometimes. It's pretty brilliant and perfectly recorded/captured by Greg Norman. Played on a proper stereo, it's a variety of nuanced sound that demands repeated listens simply on that alone. Joshua Abrams Natural Information Society - Shadow Conductor (stream) BUY IT! 05 – 55 Deltic – You Could Own an American Home (Kingfisher Bluez / Strictly No Capital Letters / Barely Regal)

I love the title of this record so much, because here sometime in the next year we're going to have to start looking for a house and having been through this rodeo once before...I know how utterly dreary that's going to be. The only fun part about it right now, is the non serious part where I'm just cruising Zillow listings at work and seeing the inside of all these cool houses I can't afford. And what better of an idea to center an emo/slowcore record around? In actuality I'm pretty positive that's not what 55 Deltic are even remotely channeling here, but I would imagine there is a definite longing/nostalgia for a time when working towards a successful future was something not increasingly hard to obtain. The songs on You Could Own an American Home weigh heavily through a slow but sturdy pace, that lines up well with bands like Bedhead or Codeine, who both seemed to pull at a lot of the same strings that 55 Deltic are equally bummed out about no longer being commonplace in society. Really enjoyed this one, as it touches upon a lot of the aspects I like about the genre and isn't afraid of getting a little raucous here and there. 55 Deltic - Tangen (stream) BUY IT! 04 – Cherubs – Immaculada High (Relapse)

I guess the rumor of Cherubs signing to Relapse finally came true...albeit for their second album, fourth overall. Not sure why that took so long, but whatever...here we are...Cherubs consuming roster space on the same label that I remember receiving some pretty wild catalogs from years and years ago and lots and lots of pretty bad cover art. Or really good cover art if you were into grindcore. Either way. I guess it makes sense, Cherubs were, and are, fairly extreme in the realms of the noise-rock world, being a band that released one of the true classics in Heroin Man. When they got back together, there was a level of fear that the burden of having to follow that sucker up would be a bit hard to do, but 2 Ynfynyty wiped away any concern of that as I foolishly had mistaken the band as a group of people that would even remotely worry about something like that. The album ended up being nothing short of amazing and sounded like a band that had a little regard as to what they “should” sound like and just made a record that they wanted to. They returned this past year with Immaculada High and did exactly the same thing, producing a record that isn't simply a repeat and pushes their sonic explorations of marrying noise/melody even further into the grandiose murkiness. At this point, I'm calling it good. I mean, this is two more Cherubs albums than I ever thought I would get already, so I'm not really willing to push my luck here. However, if more is to come...then I'm here for it. Cherubs - Full Regalia (stream) BUY IT! 03 – Clear Gash – Replenish (Iniquity)

Knew nothing of Clear Gash when listening to Replenish and still know nothing about Clear Gash. They are from Germany and apparently have a very sparse web presence other than releasing this album on Iniquity Records, which have graciously provided it on their Bandcamp site or in the form of a....CD? Beggars can't be choosers I guess and at least Replenish got out there one way or another. Clear Gash are a bit of an oddity in this day and age, as there just aren't too many people out there really trying to bring murky moodiness of grunge back to the forefront, however that's not too far from what they are attempting on their debut (I'm assuming?) album. It's fuzzy, down tuned and pretty filthy sounding stuff. The interesting part is that they are taking the tone/sound and partially playing it like slowed down hardcore. Odd, but it jams sure enough. The production almost lends a bit of a raw Born Annoying/Strap it On era feel, which is definitely appealing to me. Replenish rips and is a distorted mess of riffage that has sorely gone missing in the past couple or so years for some reason or another. Clear Gash - Ode to Discrepency (stream) BUY IT! 02 – USA/Mexico – Matamoros (12XU / Riot Season)

Considering the players involved that make up USA/Mexico, I would be really really bummed/surprised if they managed to put out a record that was crap. It just doesn't seem possible when bringing together members of Butthole Surfers, Shit & Shine and When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth...three very very fine purveyors of completely fried and distinctive noise-rock. So, it's relatively safe to say that Matamoros falls within that same realm of noise and dives deep into the red at the drop of the needle with the title track opener and spots some extra guitar ugliness from Spray Paint member George Dishner, which seems ridiculous that an extra amount of mangled feedback would seem necessary...but listening to Matamoros one gets the sense these fellas operate in a world unbeknownst of limitations. This then segues right into a grossly heavy cover of Cherubs' “Shoofly” with guest vocals by Mr. Kevin Whitley himself. Even he can't really crawl above the heaping amounts of distortion that USA/Mexico uncompromisingly continue to pour on, as his voice is repeatedly swallowed up by the mass. Matamoros carries on much in the same manner for it's duration. “Vaporwave Headache” cranks up the RPM's some and rips through two and a half of minutes of chugging maxed feedback and alien vocals as a possible representation of a vapor wave song if it were dubbed over on the same cassette roughly 400 times and then played at five times the speed. In the end, Matamoros greatly out performs the bands debut Laredo and is essentially the exact product of which could be expected through this collaboration of sorts. Well worth the risk of potential hearing loss. USA/Mexico - Matamoros (stream) BUY IT! 01 – Possible Humans – Everybody Split (Hobbies Galore / Trouble in Mind)

Yeah, this is my kind of thing. I'll never shy away from bands that want to continue hoisting that Homestead/Flying Nun flag and pumping out those type of jams. Possible Humans have apparently been lurking around Melbourne for a handful of years now, playing shows...etc. However, just towards the beginning of last year put out their first full-length through Hobbies Galore and it's been nice to see it gain some traction over the past few months. Enough so that Trouble in Mind picked up the record after the initial pressing of 200 sold out lightning quick. I got hooked after hearing the sprawling psych flavored “Born Stoned”, which despite being eleven minutes long it makes good on every single second of it, masterfully combining the Homestead or Athens sound with something that could have been an absolutely smoking Blue Oyster Cult deep cut. It quite simply rules and will undoubtedly be the best track I hear for a very long time. Definitely not trying to sell the rest of the album short, because Everybody Split is front to back a fantastic listen and piece of work that encapsulates a general feel/sound so well. If you haven't heard it yet, please make this one a priority. Possible Humans - Born Stoned (stream) BUY IT!

[dawnfelagund]

Character Ask: Caranthir

@fefe-homu-akemi, @floralegium, and Anonymous asked for Caranthir, so here goes!

Favorite Thing: I wrote a pretty lengthy defense of Caranthir, who I believe was misrepresented by the narrator of The Silmarillion. I’m not going to rehash that now, but one of the points I make is that he, along with Finrod Felagund, is among the most cosmopolitan of the Noldor: He forms positive relationships with many groups of people outside his own culture. Where Finrod is lauded for this, however, the same actions in Caranthir are downplayed or negatively represented.

Least Favorite Thing: For all of the Fëanorians so far, I’ve discussed their violence for this item, so let’s consider that boilerplate at this point. For Caranthir specifically, I wish he hadn’t told off his damned cousins about their palling around with Thingol. It’s a regrettable moment that Pengolodh seems to lean on heavily in his assessment of Caranthir and that looms large in the imaginations of fans as well, when they take Pengolodh’s word or, in the case of fanworks creators, otherwise develop a character that would act like this routinely rather than looking at his other actions (such as his success in relating to diverse people).

Favorite Line: “Then Caranthir looked kindly upon Men and did Haleth great honour ...” (The Silmarillion, “Of the Coming of Men into the West”)

This is evidence of the Favorite Thing but also ... man oh man, there is so much mystery embedded in those two words “great honour.” Is it simply what The Silmarillion tells us he offered her? Or is there more there? Up to and including a romantic relationship?

brOTP: Caranthir is very much a one-man wolfpack in my mind. In fact, given the number of positive relationships he forged with other people, I imagine him wearily doing his best to behave to cultivate and maintain those connections because he knows he has to but silently shaking his fist at the universe for putting him, of all people, in such an ironic position.

(In this, I relate to him a lot. I’m deeply introverted. And I’m also a middle-school teacher, and a good one--I won Teacher of the Year last year at my school. I excel at building relationships with my students, and not just the ones who are like me. So I run the gamut from warm-hearted and constantly smiling with my kiddos to a snarling misanthrope at home. I’m exaggerating a little on the last one but, yeah, I get Caranthir.)

OTP: I love Haleth/Caranthir, but my OTP for Caranthir is his wife, Taryindë (as she is called in my verse). They grew up together, both were rather awkward (really awkward, in Caranthir’s case) and experimented with each other as teenagers, and eventually married. They had two daughters, who were born in Middle-earth and survived through the First Age.

There are spoilers for future stories ahead.

Taryindë went to the Nirnaeth with her husband but agree not to ride into battle because, after all, they had two youngish children and one of their parents should survive to see them into adulthood. Only, in the grand tradition of Tolkien’s women, she did ride into battle, unbeknownst to Caranthir. When she found him unconscious on the battlefield, she defended his body with her own and saved his life.

When he woke up, she was gone. He never learned what happened to her.

(Yes, I will write this story someday but at the rate I’m going I’ll be about 73.)

nOTP: I mean, I guess Nerdanel again? I really don’t do the hardcore shipping thing where liking one pairing more than others automatically rules the others out. Caranthir is sexually precocious on the sly in my verse--this idea is explored most fully in The Sovereign and the Priest--so my imagination has already gone all sorts of places.

Random Headcanon: It’s not terribly random because I feel like it’s the elephant in the room where my Caranthir is concerned. It’s definitely the most obvious fanon that my writing has created: the idea that Caranthir was unusually sensitive to the thoughts and emotions of others. He is also not fully bound by time: He is able to perceive things in the past and the future the way that you or I could look off into the distance in place.

I’ve written many times before about where this idea came from. Essentially, I was trying to explain his animosity to the sons of Finarfin, which didn’t seem to make much sense to me. As far as Finwëans go, they are pretty harmless, at least based on what we see in the texts.

(Had I tackled this question a few years later, once I had access and had read parts of the HoMe, I probably would have gone with him being jealous of their friendship with Celegorm and Curufin, while he--stuck in the middle--was overlooked. But I was a baby in the Silm fandom when I tackled this question, hadn’t read any of the HoMe, and developed my characterization of Caranthir as a result.)

Because of his heightened sensitivity to others--a trait we know ran in Finarfin’s branch of the family tree as well--Angrod and Aegnor were able to be unkind to him without others perceiving it. Much of this centered on the fact that Caranthir had a crush on their brother’s betrothed, Amarië, which they found out about. And Caranthir was very awkward and had trouble controlling his emotions--being a constant radio tower for others’ unfiltered feelings will do that to a person--so he provided them with plenty of fodder.

(I also honestly wanted to write mindspeak in a way that wasn’t a bunch of characters sitting around and thinking at each other, which was how it was usually written at the time. I mean, imagine explaining taste or smell to a being that doesn’t have it; I tried to do that with Caranthir’s perceptions.)

Anyway, from this came my Caranthir, who is strange to the point that he is off-putting to others; in my recent Cradle of Stars, Anairë calls him “the wild one who’d been born half-mad.” Hence, also, Pengolodh’s eagerness to depict him as angry--he certainly would have looked that way at times, to those who did not know him well.

Of course, I’ve since taught many a Caranthir. @heartofoshun first suggested that Caranthir was on the autism spectrum. I never intended that reading but certainly don’t mind him being read that way at all! I’ve worked most of my career with boys with emotional disabilities and have a lot of empathy and love for people for whom interacting with the world isn’t always easy. In retrospect, even though it wasn’t my intention at the time, I’m glad I gave one of them a prominent place in my verse.

Unpopular Opinion: I suppose my argument that he was not as awful as Pengolodh claims wouldn’t be popular among the anti-Fëanorians, who have always been a significant part of the Silm fandom and who lean rather heavily on the belief (the word is very intentionally used) that the Fëanorians were not fallen but evil to begin with.

Otherwise, my Caranthir has been popular over the years, which is ironic, because in the conservative moment in Tolkien fandom history when I began writing, I was convinced that I would be excoriated for my writing of him so beyond the bounds of what Tolkien gave us (although always informed by the canon). The exact opposite happened for the most part.

Song I Associate with the Character: Bush, “Glycerine.” (Actually, the much of the angsty ‘90s alternative catalogue could fit Caranthir. He has Stabbing Westward and Linkin Park on permanent repeat.)

Favorite Image: Caranthir by @albuum. Because Caranthir is a character that I have such a strong sense of, I often find artwork that I like but don’t particularly connect to as my Caranthir. This one is pretty doggone close and features his wife too. *happy sigh*