#anyways sorry for venting on here its just the only social media i have that they dont lmfao | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

blkkizzat · 2 months ago

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Hey pookieeeee do you have any advice for heartbreak? And can I vent a little and ask for your advice? :]

I never expected it to hurt as much as it does, but in the end, it was half my fault for believing in his empty promises. I called it from the start that this would happen. I knew yet I still said yes. It was a long-distant relationship, and I told him the stakes were high, but he promised over and over that he wouldn't leave me. That I would be the one to do it before he ever does it. I let my guard down for him to break my heart. :(

I can't seem to get my mind off it, and it hasn't even been 24 hours. It just hurts so much. I'm just waiting for his "Let's break up" text. It's not official yet until he says it, but I can sense that it's coming. And I'm just wishing he would stay. I don't know what to do, kind of? Like he took such a big part of me, I don't know how to feel or act anymore. Like I lost myself? Any advice for me? :((((

awe babes i'm so sorry! don't feel bad either its only been 24hrs! that is totally normal why you would still be thinking about it constantly.

But I think there's a few key things here to keep in mind.

1) Nothing is final until its final. You may feel like its coming but you haven't broken up yet. It's unfair (to him but mostly yourself cause its easy to drive yourself crazy with worry) to assume what he will or won't do. 2) If he does break up with you, if you think he would do it over TEXT of all things, than he's no good anyway. Lol thinking back of that old Youtube spoof but the rule is: you dont text msg breakup. Thats a piece of shit move and you deserve way better than someone who would be that cold!

3) Have you heard "lifetime, season or reason" in terms of relationships? Basically, no matter the length of time a person (any relationship not just romantic) is in your life. Every relationship you have will have purpose in your life and a lesson or lessons you can grow from. Not to be morbid but nothing lasts forever, I'm not speaking only of breakups either as even two people committed to each other for their entire lives will eventually have to say goodbye when either passes away. That's why it's not the end of a relationship that's important but what you can take away from the relationship, how you will continue to grow and evolve as a person that matters. Even a toxic abusive relationship can teach you the value of your worth and make you a stronger person on the other side (that isnt to say you should stay in one obviously but that there can be benefits and lessons to everything). So if your relationship with him does end look at it in terms of "these were the qualities/moments i liked and these are want i didn't and from that how does this change what I am looking for in my next relationship."

4) You are still you! You were you before you met him, while you were with him and you will be you after, if you break up. You do give pieces of yourself to partners in relationships but you have the power and agency to take that back. It isn't there's to keep, loving someone is a privilege and if someone violates trust or cannot treat you with the love and respect you deserve then it is your right to take it back. Of course it will hurt, and it won't be easy but honestly its better to break it off as you the person you are with should be tripping over themselves with enthusiasm to be with you.

5) If you do breakup, the best thing is to go cold turkey. I am not sure about if you share friend groups or how awkward it would be to block or remove him from social media/text/call, but if you can do that do that. It doesnt sound like you will be able to remain friends without it being hurtful to you and if he breaks up with you, he doesnt deserve to downgrade you so he can have all the emotional support of a romantic relationship without the responsibility or commitment cause essentially thats what the dynamic will be. You will never be able to be normal friends when a one sided breakup happens.

#ೃ༝💌⁀➷ 𝓀𝒾𝓏𝓏𝒶𝓉мαιℓ #ೃ💌⁀➷𝓀𝒾𝓏𝓏𝒶𝓉αησηѕ #*hugs* it will be okay babes! no matter what happens!

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starbovnd · 7 months ago

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vent--

Sorry for being so inactive x_x If you follow my twitter, I just made this big post getting into detail about my absences- Physical/Mental health deterioration + Technology problems

But the one thing I don't feel comfortable venting about on twitter? My living situation. It's so hard to draw and be creative nowadays. I often find myself talking down to myself like "Your art hasn't improved in 4 years and you should feel ashamed" but.. truth is, I don't have a lot of energy left to give. My roommate and I aren't compatible people, especially after we broke up in March; we fight and argue consistently and it's led to me having 4 meltdowns where I am screaming, crying, and a literal danger to myself. My harmful tendencies are worse when I'm emotional, and it's resulted in.. many rug burns, bruises, and hurt fingers. While my roommate has never physically assaulted me, me hitting the walls and beating my head into them is where these injuries come from. I wholeheartedly believe I wouldn't have these meltdowns if we were able to properly communicate.

"Why are you living with your ex?" because if I leave, she'll be homeless. Her dad is a complete asshole who honestly shouldn't have had kids to begin with, and he's more than okay with letting her be homeless. This is the same man who charged his kid rent for her childhood bedroom. She told her dad we couldn't afford rent and he stopped paying for her car insurance. It's horrible. We have no money, and every penny goes into rent, food, and electricity.. Just UGH

It doesn't help that she'll take 2-3 days off of work a week because she suffers from.. ??? She wakes up at 5 AM every morning and vomits profusely, has muscle spasms, and cries and moans out in agony. I'm not a doctor, but this isn't normal. And she makes $15/hr, so taking 2-3 days off a week is a huge loss for us. ESPECIALLY since my income is solely from doing art. I haven't had a job in a year ever since GME unfairly terminated me and the businesses around here are putting up false and misleading employment ads. Indeed is a joke, full stop.

So on top of me having to cover over half our utilities and rent, I'm also the only person who washes dishes. I'm the only person who cooks. I take the trash out. Never once has she done anything around the apartment, and when I ask for help I get told "I don't know how, nobody showed me as a kid" and it's just

UGH both her parents suck!! And I can't leave because then someone I care about will be HOMELESS! Like, I have a place to go. My parents might be transphobic, but I can put up with it. She, however, has nothing, and her dad is a massive asshole. Like... What kind of parent hears "Dad I can't pay rent" and then decides to stop paying their insurance? Like great! Now I can't afford my apartment, my car payment, or my insurance! Grand!

I'm struggling deeply; its not my job to convince my ex she's worth love and care, but I also can't just walk away. Her and I both have no local friends who would house her.

But anyways I'll stop rambling x_x Tumblr is the only social media my roomie doesn't use so.. I can vent it freely a bit here ig

#vent #sorry #my bad

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tetsunabouquet · 9 months ago

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I'm currently stuck at trauma memory lane so I need to vent for a bit. The inciting moment was remembering how my mom isn't coming home during the lunch break as she's going shopping when I really wanted to do so with her tomorrow so we'd have a nice moment together as with my exam stress and her working, we have very few family moments currently. Sunday she is already 'taken' as she is going to meet up with someone she hasn't seen in years. I wouldn't mind this at all if it was an old friend or something, but no, the person she's seeing (and why she is shopping right now) is her hag of an older sister. She's one of the primary reasons why I'd like to be a family person but I am not because of the hurt. Whilst she never said it to my face directly, my mom due to her BPD, shared some instances where she talked with my aunt about me and my aunt said crude remarks about me, likely because it hurt my mom but it only caused me to share the pain and hate my aunt. There are three instances where her remarks are unforgivable to me. I am not sure if I mentioned the 1st in a post or if it was just in a conversation with a mutual but in chronological order here they go; My birth. My mom didn't even want her present but her friend who was present called my aunt anyways. Know that my birth was a traumatic experience for my mom. I actually got stuck in the womb during birth and was basically suffocating to death inside of her. By the time the doctors got me out, my skin had already turnt a dark blueish purple and I had to stay at the IC for a while. I do not know all the details, but they did allow my mom to hold me before they took me to the IC. The first thing my aunt ever said to me? She called my feet weird- I have a toe deformity remember? Her sister was lying there traumatized and her niece dying! Yet judging her niece for her deformed toes was the thing that was on her mind?! I am sorry, but how big of an asshole can you be in that moment?! The second thing was how unsupportive she was to my mom before I was diagnosed with autism. Because I grew up around drug violence, had a deadbeat dad and was shunned by most of the other kids, I was already walking around with suicidal ideations at the tender age of 5. Aside from the few kids who were nice to me, my memories prior to my diagnosis are one big blur because of the trauma. If I try to focus on that blur, I feel like I am falling into a pit of darkness and get the intense urge to cry. My aunt? She only wrote me off as a manipulative liar when my mom sought her support. As someone with (C-)PTSD, those words really cut deep. That period in my life is the start of my history with trauma and I'd never lie about something like that. I'd never lie about the suicidal ideations I struggle with since my literal childhood. The tears are flowing from my eyes at that accusation as we speak. Whilst the third trauma isn't as severe it is really complex on its own. Her oldest daughter is only 6 months older then me and because ours moms look alike and I've got strong Roma genes through my dad and her father being Indonesian, we even both have that 'do you have Asian ancestry or not?' thing going on. Which led to us being compared from instance to another and developping a bit of a rivalry during childhood and because my cousin also has BPD there were times where she would become violent with me and my mom would need to take me home from family gatherings so my cousin could calm down. Aside from my aunt never apologizing to me on the behalf of her daughter for these things, there was this one instance where I, when I was like 6, had stuffed my shirt and pretended to have big boobs. My aunt immediately wrote me off and made the prediction that I would become horribly promiscuous and whatnot. Unlike her, I don't mean to slutshame so quickly but 20 years later and I am still a virgin. Whereas my cousin did shit like posting a picture of her kissing her female friend on social media, not because she's queer but for attention when she was in her teens...

#tetsutalk #venting #trauma #why can't that bitch just stay away #my mom doesn't even wants to go so why is she chosing meeting her sister over family quality time with me?!#There is still this place that she promised to take me to forever

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hotshotshitshow · 10 months ago

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im not trying to be mean forreal but you arent gonna have people rbing your stuff if you don't tag it! 2 give an example your most recent piece has 7 tags total, two of which are personal tags that no ones gonna search so lets say 5. in addition to the ones you included which werent bad you should also include stuff like the medium (ex: #traditional art) and of course #artists on tumblr. tagging aesthetics that fit also goes a long way. plus a (no guilt) caption requesting that people boost your work. something important to keep in mind with tumblr is that its really good for circulating art LONG term rather than most social media platforms which prioritize feeding the neverending ratrace for whatevers trending. I am in no way a big name artist but my most circulated posts come from people tag searching and queueing. obvs theres usually gonna be the most attention over the first few days but also give it time! don't be afraid to repost or find niches who will circulate your stuff. post art and then link it in oc discords, too this isnt meant to admonish you btw more it makes me sad to see you get discouraged. you have a unique and compelling artstyle with genuinely swagful characters so the idea of you peacing out saddens my heart. i hope this helps, cya

Hey first off. I genuinely appreciate this, I am ngl I knew I shouldn't have posted that last night cuz I knew I'd be embarrassed about it later and well!! Here I am, feeling like a damn fool!! Sincerely tho, your words do mean a lot.

However, the one thing that trips me up is that back when I did use Tumblr more regularly, like several years ago, they had made it so that only the first five tags on a post were searchable, and everything else wasn't visible in tag searches. Has this changed? It's been a long time and I have no idea what's changed with Tumblr in the past few years but I've just been operating on the assumption that only the first five tags "count." Also I am just ... Not good at knowing what to tag things other than in the most straightforward way possible 😬

I definitely absolutely get discouraged way way way too quickly and I acknowledge that, it comes from years of a building frustration of posting on social media and never feeling like it goes anywhere while also watching those around me grow their followings. It's come to a point where it feels like if something I post "fails" then it tanks my mood on a hair trigger. And it's not healthy!!! This is largely why I've stopped posting publicly anywhere. Bc the reaction I've built up is so instantaneous and intense that it's completely unhealthy for me. Sorry to vent at you!! It's all just sort of coming out. I've absolutely poisoned the way I view interaction on social media for myself and it feels very entrenched and I don't really know what to do about it.

I want to share my art with people and I want them to like my art and asking for reblogs directly on art posts is something that always felt gross to me but idk maybe that's what I gotta do. I have this notion in my mind tho that if my art is good and people like it, they'll reblog it because they want to, not because I asked them to. It doesn't feel like people are sharing my art bc they genuinely like it if they're doing it bc I asked them to. And then people don't reblog my art, so it gets interpreted as "well, I guess nobody thinks my art is very good, otherwise they'd want to share it!"

This all feels very immature of me and I hate that this is how I feel. I definitely am very deeply in the mindset now of "well, nobody appreciated my art much when I did post it, so now nobody gets to see it anymore." Idk how to grow past this tbh. I am absolutely only shooting myself in the foot. Oh well whatever!!!

Anyway. Thank you again for this, and also if you did actually read this, thank you for your time and energy. I don't think you were being mean at all, you said what is true, I think. I hope you have a lovely day.

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ghostinspacee · 2 years ago

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Rant, can ignore

Idk why I’m ranting on here, probably cause idk where else or who else to go to. This will mostly go out into the void that is Tumblr....

I just feel stuck. Like I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I feel as though I’m not making any progress in my life. All I do is wake up, eat breakfast, sit on my laptop (either on social media or writing one of my many wips), go to work, eat dinner while yet again, sitting on my laptop doing one or the other and go to bed, and do the same thing the next day. I feel like nothing I do matters or changes.

I want to go to college, maybe, but at the same time, it sounds too stressful and intimidating. And I don’t want school to kill my creative process. Cause I know that if I went to school, I’d hardly ever touch my writing/wips. Maybe even end up forgetting about them. But I feel without college, I won’t succeed or people will think I’ve failed life before it even begins.

And I know what a lot of people will say; “You’re only 20, almost 21. You have your whole life ahead of you!” But it doesn’t feel like it. I hate it here. I feel like I’m wasting my time with everything. And I love my job, I enjoy the people I work with and job itself, most of the time anyway. And I love writing, a lot. But I just can’t get past these thoughts of wasting my time. Sitting around.

And there’s a lot of things I need to get done and things I wanna do that require me saving money that I barely have. I need to get a new phone (It won’t let me receive any messages and keeps freezing), I need to get my own car, I’m still living with my parents and am now paying some of the bills (which I understand I guess) and living with my family is another reason why I’m stressed, I want to take a solo trip in the near future by myself to get away from all this stress, Someday I want to move out and live in my own apartment, I want to have left over money for things I actually want, and its all just so so so much.

I’m sorry to rant like this. Idk at what point venting becomes complaining but it feels like I’m just complaining about my pathetic problems. I didn’t have any where else to write this. Might delete at some point, idk.

#just a rant post #ranting #I don't expect anyone to read this #just needed to get this out somewhere.#maybe I'm just overthinking or overreacting #thank you

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angelic-mp4 · 4 years ago

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EPISODE 14 Theory:

So, I did kinda come up with a theory on what would happen in the next episode of Inanimate Insanity II, so just bear with me for a few moments, since this will be a very long read.

RECAP ON EP. 13:

During Episode 13 (”Mine Your Own Business”), the challenge that the contestants were chosen to do was to mine diamond-shaped gems known as “Gemories” inside Gemory Cave, in which those gems start to reveal several hints about MePhone4′s backstory and the dark origins of the whole show.

About Gemories, the word itself is a combination of “gem” and “memory”, as MePhone4 wanted to expel all of his remaining memories of Cobs before Inanimate Insanity began. The emoji “💠” has been hinted at through the social media used by the Inanimate Insanity crew, which also appears to be the exact shape that these Gemories take.

For each of the final six contestants, a selected Gemory will show a certain flashback. Those follow as:

Test Tube - The creation of MePhone4 and the installation of his screen protector, in which he eventually removed in rebellion against Steve Cobs, his creator

Knife - MePhone4′s growing interest in creating his own reality survival show, in which Cobs claims as “trash”

Lightbulb - MePhone4 completing one of his tasks, in which he had to generate a tree; Steve Cobs expected a spaceship to be generated from him by the end of that day

Microphone - Not specified in the actual episode, but could have been when Adam was created and was immediately discarded

Baseball - MePhone4 trying to interact with Cobs, but was yelled at in the process, due to Cobs being in a meeting for the possible creation of MePhone4S (”I’ve always liked that red.”)

Suitcase - MePhone4 meeting a broken MePhone3GS inside a dark, shallow room, which was the exact same room that Adam was thrown away due to his malfunctioning problems

As shown, when these six Gemories were connected, they formed a similar silhouette of Cobs, in which the seventh Gemory would had possibly been placed in.

The seventh Gemory depicted MePhone4′s escape from Cobs and Meeple Headquarters, along with saving MePad and taking off his screen protector so that he would be free from his creator.

The connection of the seventh Gemory to MePad would eventually lead up to the events of Episode 14.

FIRST-HAND CLUES ON EPISODE 14:

The first clues to what Episode 14 will be about can be seen in the short teaser that was uploaded on the 9th anniversary of the show.

In this sneak peek, at the very end, shows a sequences of a transforming object, shifting from the Meeple logo, to what looks like a silhouette of the InvisiBows that Taco and Microphone wore during the events of Episode 13.

The Meeple logo symbolizes Meeple as a whole. This means that Meeple and its origins and uprisings would be brought up during the events of Episode 14, and could reveal what really happened to Meeple products such as MePhone4 and MePad.

The other symbol, however, is much more mysterious-looking than the other. Some people believed that Bow would be coming back, and others may see it as Taco secretly working for Cobs to take down MePhone4, but we would get back into that later. For me, I do see it as a symbol that may have been hinted at through the InvisiBows worn by Taco and Microphone.

This symbol can especially be seen on the white InvisiBow that Microphone can be seen wearing throughout Episode 13. This means that Taco would eventually betray Microphone, and could possibly get caught red-handed being a spy for Cobs.

Now, there are many more clues and hints on what will happen during Episode 14. Take this picture from the InanimateTweet Twitter account during Easter 2020.

This could mean that Cobs will play a bigger role in this episode, rather than being in multiple flashbacks like in Episode 13. This also hints Fan surprisingly returning, as you can his silhouette in the picture, along with Cobs and Test Tube. But the most important aspect of this picture is the egg being in the center.

Many believe that the egg will hatch in Episode 14, as it had already started to crack last episode. The sneak peek also shows the egg in the same position as it was in this picture.

The thing that could be inside of the egg is still pretty much unknown, but with it coming from Mars (throwback to “Marsh on Mars”) and it catching Cobs’ unwanted attention and his desire to take the egg from the contestants (another throwback to “Theft and Battery”), the egg will possibly play a huge role in Episode 14, both causing twists and turns in the events, and either developing or destroying relationships between other contestants.

HOW WILL THE EGG AFFECT EPISODE 14?:

This is what the biggest question is, regarding Episode 14. The egg has been a huge part of the series, appearing in almost every episode, alongside with contestants such as Fan and Test Tube, and it was also at risks at certain times. This time though, the egg is starting to hatch, and this comes with several clues on Episode 14.

The egg will possibly play a role in MePhone4 and Cobs’ trauma arc, meaning that it will determine several events to take place, and it is especially evident in the most recent sneak peek released a month ago.

In the sneak peek, we can see MePhone4 venting about his problems with Cobs to his assistant MePad, while also generating the painting created by Paintbrush a few episodes ago. As he continues to reveal that the show was never his in the first place, due to the manipulation tactics done by Cobs, here we see Taco and Microphone in the same setting as MePhone4 and MePad.

However, this is interrupted when a static wave ends up affecting MePhone4, resulting in the generation of what looks like a living room set.

The static wave actually hints to the egg that will be hatching this episode. This is because the sound that accompanies the wave of energy was placed in the same state that the egg was seen in the other sneak peek.

However, it had only seemed to affect MePhone4, but not MePad. It may be because MePhones usually have a generator-option set up in their systems, but nevertheless a MePad would end up getting one anyways.

The living room set that was generated as a result of the wave seems suspicious at best.

This specific living room set may reveal the actual origins of Inanimate Insanity, if not, the whole reason why the show was even created in the first place. It also seems that Cobs might be the one that is pulling the strings on the hosts and the contestants, like marionettes and string puppets.

Those origins may possible change the views of the contestants’ visions of the actual show, and may even scar them for life. The egg may also become a big-time factor on the change of the point of views of each of the final six contestants.

WHAT ABOUT THE CONTESTANTS THEMSELVES?:

Some of the sneak peeks that have been revealed over the last few months also reveal clues about the contestants themselves and their motives for the show.

Over the general group, it will seem that the final six contestants will try to reform their original groups; the Grand Slams and the Bright Lights. Since there are four Grand Slams members and two Bright Lights members remaining in the game, this might seem the case, as shown in the picture above.

All contestants, except for Lightbulb have been mentioned or shown, either visually or audio-wise, like in the audio sneak peek with Baseball, Suitcase and Test Tube.

However, with all sneak peeks combined, it is possible that one of those contestants will play a much bigger role than the others, and it would have been Suitcase herself that gets the role.

Taking a look at this sneak peek of what looks like a storyboard, this may reveal either another hallucination, a flashback, or a sudden vision that Suitcase encounters in this episode. This indicates that Suitcase might be in danger, shown by the vision.

CONCLUSION:

So, this is all I really have for now, but with the trailer just coming out, more clues have popped up, including Test Tube going berserk this episode, MePhone’s eventual plan, and if the egg was the cause of the chaos that happens in this episode. Sorry if this theory seems rushed.

We’ll have to wait a week until the full episode is out.

#inanimate insanity #possible ii ep 14 spoilers #ii ep 14 spoilers #ii ep 14 theory #ii ep. 14 trailer #ep 14 sneak peek #episode 14 #ep 14 theory #my thoughts

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biaswreckingfics · 4 years ago

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Ok so not sure if this is an opinion, but here’s my rant!!

In regards to the whole BTS paved the way deal - I find a lot of the discourse around this topic is quite xenophobic and racist - in the sense a lot of the BTS fandom seem to only value American success. To me they sort of discount Asian success e.g bigbang/exo in China, SVT in Japan, GOT7 in Thailand etc as irrelevant or not as important. But also, when groups have success in America they seem to only think it’s BECAUSE of BTS - which to me just indicates they don’t actually think any other korean artist can be talented and/or successful. (Also if they’re paving the way, shouldn’t others be able to enjoy the same success ????)

ALSO within this, by saying BTS paved the way, they’re also not looking at the racism groups like SNSD, the wonder girls would have faced trying to break into the American market. Although it wasn’t that long ago, they don’t realise how social media has changed how ppl consume media and how views on globalisation have changed over the past decade!!! Like why r we blaming 2nd gen groups for not charting number 1 in America, as if 1) they even tried to do that, but 2) wouldn’t have faced a lot of hindrance trying to do so - it’s not a fault of theirs!!! Anyway, the success of 2nd gen groups in the late 2000’s and early 2010’s was AMAZING for that time and army’s just need to accept that BTS did benefit from the successes of these early groups.

plus let’s not ignore how famous g-dragon and Big Bang are like ........... they famous famous ahhaha

Anywho this wasnt an opinion more just me venting SORRY

YOU HIT ALL OF THE POINTS 👏👏

It's weird to me how being successful in the states makes you the "best", but being successful anywhere else in the world "doesn't matter". China has 4x the population of the states and yet people discount China as unimportant.

Its also wild to me that people think kpop groups are successful in the states because of BTS only. They weren't the first kpop group to perform on TV shows or have prominent interviews with talk shows. Yes, they have blown up everywhere (reminds me of when PSY was huge around here), but there were others before them.

Social media has allowed us to understand and experience other cultures more than ever before. It's easier for groups to become exposed to the general public and gain fans by just a click of a button now. That was never the case before. I actually think its more impressive that older groups/artists were able to come here and show who they were before social media was so dominant.

#unpopular kpop opinions

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anggeese · 4 years ago

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Hey, I read your post and just wanted to say that I really hope you feel better soon❤️

I know those days where you just kinda feel bad with seemingly no reason, and then its best to not go and dam that feeling up inside but to try and find some way to let it out. Admitting how you feel and allowing yourself to feel like this often works wonders! (At least for me, but its worth a shot?)

Just take your time, I'm sure everything will get better again!

You are a wonderful person and I absolutely admire you (You're kind of my role model when it comes to art) but even wonderful people feel down sometimes, but that doesn't make them less wonderful! No one understands how feelings really work anyways... Just remember everything will be just fine if you give it the chance❤️ We (I'm allowing myself to speak for all of your followers here) care about you, and so many more, off-internet people do as well, don't ask me how I know, I just do❤️

Wishing you all the best!

-A relating anon

Hello, Anon! Thank you so much! Days like these are awful because they creep up with no warning. I’m not gonna lie and admit that my only outlet when I’m upset is social media. I have a crippling fear of becoming too annoying when venting to other people, so i try to avoid it. But yes, being able to admit that i’m sad and upset is an effective way of lessening the emotional load.

I’m feeling better now, thank goodness!

You’re too sweet! I’ve never even thought of someone looking up at me when it comes to art, so this is kinda new ;; And yeah, feelings are hard, sometimes even difficult for me to grasp, but i’m working on it!

I really appreciate your kind words, anon! They’ve helped me a lot! Sorry if it took quite a while for me to reply though ;; I was waiting for the right time, headspace, and words to reply to the wonderful messages I received. I hope you’re having a great day today!

#angela answers #anonymous #again thank you <3

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johnrossbowie · 4 years ago

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LEAVING TWITTER

I wrote this earlier in the fall, before the election, after dissolving my Twitter account. I wasn’t sure where to put it (“try up your ass!” – someone, I’m sure) and then I remembered I have a tumblr I never use. Anyway, here tis.

How do you shame someone who thinks Trumps’ half-baked policies and quarter-baked messaging put him in the pantheon of great Presidents? How do you shame someone so lacking in introspection that they will call Obama arrogant while praising Trump’s decisiveness and yet at the same time vehemently deny that they’re racist? How do you shame someone for whom that racism is endearing and maybe long overdue?

You don’t. It’s silly to think otherwise.

Twitter is an addiction of mine, and true to form, my dependence on it grew more serious after I quit drinking in 2010. At first it was a chance to mouth off, make jokes both stupid and erudite and occasionally stick my foot in my mouth (I owe New Yorker writer Tad Friend an apology. He knows why, or (God willing) he’s forgotten. Either way. Sorry.) I blew off steam, steam that was accumulating without booze to dampen the flames. Not always constructive venting, but I also met new friends, and connected with people whose work I’ve admired for literal decades and ended up seeing plays with Lin-Manuel Miranda and hanging backstage with Jane Wiedlin after a Go-Go’s show and exchanging sober thoughts with Mike Doughty. When my mom passed in 2018, a lot of people reached out to tell me they were thinking of me. This was nice. For a while, Twitter was a huge help when I needed it.

I used to hate going to parties and really hated dancing and mingling, but a couple of drinks would fix that. Point is, for a while, booze was a huge help, too.

But my engagement with Twitter changed, and I started calling people my ‘friends’ even though I’d never once met them or even heard their voices. These weren’t even penpals, these were people whose jokes or stances I enjoyed, so with Arthurian benevolence I clicked on a little heart icon, liked their tweet, and assumed therefore that we had signed some sort of blood oath.

We had not. I got glib, and cheap, and a little lazy. And then to make matters much worse, Trump came along and extended his reach with the medium.

There was a while there where I thought I could be a sort of voice for the voiceless, and I thought I was doing that. I tried very hard to only contribute things that I felt were not being said – It wasn’t accomplishing anything to notice “Haha Trump looks like he’s bullshitting his way through an oral report” – such things were self-evident. I tried to point out very specific inconsistencies in his policies, like the Muslim ban meant to curb terrorism that still favored the country that brought forth 13 of the 9/11 hijackers. Like his full-throated cries against media bias performed while he suckled at Roger Ailes’ wrinkly teat. Like his fondness for evangelical votes that coincided with a scriptural knowledge that lagged far behind mine, even though I’m a lapsed Episcopalian, and there is no one less religiously observant than a lapsed Episcopalian. But that eventually gave way to unleashing ad hominem attacks against his higher profile supporters, who I felt weren’t being questioned enough, who I felt were in turn being fawned over by theirdim supporters. If you’re one of these guys, and you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right, but don’t mistake this for an apology. You suck, and you support someone who sucks, and your idolatry is hurting our country and its standing in the world. Fuck you entirely, but that’s not the point. The point is that me screaming into the toilet of Twitter helps no one – it doesn’t help a family stuck at the border because they’re trying to secure a better life for their kids. It doesn’t help a poor teenager who can’t get an abortion because the party of ‘small government’ has squeezed their tiny jurisdiction into her uterus. It doesn’t help the coal miner who’s staking all his hopes on a dying industry and a President’s empty promises to resurrect it. I was born in New York City, and I currently live in Los Angeles. Those are the only two places I’ve ever lived, if you don’t count the 4 years I spent in Ithaca[1]. So, yes, I live in a liberal bubble, and while I’ve driven across the country a couple of times and did a few weeks in a touring band and am as crushed as any heartlander about the demise of Waffle House, you have me dead to rights if you call me a coastal elitist. And with that in mind, I offer few surprises. A guy who grew up in the theater district and was vehemently opposed to same-sex marriage or felt you should own an AR-15? THAT would be newsworthy. I am not newsworthy. I can preach to the choir, I can confirm people’s biases, but I will likely not sway anyone who is eager to dismiss a Native New Yorker who lives in Hollywood. I grew up in the New York of the 1970s, and that part of my identity did shape my politics. My mom’s boss was gay and the Son of Sam posed a realistic threat. As such, gays are job creators[2] and guns are used for homicide much more often than they are used for self-defense[3]. I have found this to be generally true over the years, and there’s even data to back it up.

“But Mr. Bowie,” you might say, though I insist you call me John - “those studies are conducted by elitist institutions and those institutions suck!” And again, I am not going to reason with people who will dismiss anything that doesn’t fit their limited world view as elitist or, God Help Us, fake news. But the studies above are peer-reviewed, convincing, and there are more where those came from.

“But John,” you might say, and I am soothed that we’re one a first name basis - “Can’t you just stay on Twitter for the jokes?” Ugh. A) apparently not and B) the jokes are few and far between, and I am 100% part of that problem.

I have stuff to offer, but Twitter is not the place from which to offer it.

After years of academically understanding that Twitter is not the real world, Super Tuesday 2020 made the abstract pretty fucking concrete. If you had looked at my feed on the Monday beforehand – my feed which is admittedly curated towards the left, but not monolithic (Hi, Rich Lowry!) – you’d have felt that a solid Bernie surge was imminent, but also that your candidate was going surprise her more vocal critics. When the Biden sweep swept, when Bernie was diminished and when Warren was defeated, I realized that Twitter is not only not the real world, it’s almost some sort of Phillip K. Dickian alternate timeline, untethered to anything we’re actually experiencing in our day to day life. This is both good news and bad news – one, we’re not heading towards a utopia of single payer health care and the eradication of American medical debt any time soon, but two, we’re also not being increasingly governed by diaper-clad jungen like Charlie Kirk. Clouds and their linings. Leaving Twitter may look like ceding ground to the assclowns but get this – the ground. Is not. There.

It’s just air.

There are tangible things I can do with my time - volunteer with a local organization called Food On Foot, who provide food and job training for people experiencing homelessness here in my adopted Los Angeles. I can give money to candidates and causes I support, and I can occasionally even drop by social media to boost a project or an issue and then vanish, like a sort of Caucasian Zorro who doesn’t read his mentions. I can also model good behavior for my kids (ages 10 and 13) who don’t need to see their father glued to his phone, arguing about Trumps incompetence with Constitutional scholars who have a misspelled Bible verse in their bio (three s’ in Ecclesiastes, folks).

So farewell Twitter. I’ll miss a lot of you. Perhaps not as badly as I miss Simon Maloy and Roger Ebert and Harris Wittels and others whose deaths created an unfillable void on the platform. But I won’t miss the yelling, and the lionization of poor grammar, and anonymous trolls telling my Jewish friends that they were gonna leave the country “via chimney.” I will not miss people who think Trump is a stable genius calling me a “fucktard.” I will not miss transphobia or cancelling but I will miss hashtag games, particularly my stellar work during #mypunkmusical (Probably should have quit after that surge, I was on fire that night, real blaze of glory stuff I mean, Christ, Sunday in the Park with the Germs? Husker Du I Hear A Waltz? Fiddler on the Roof (keeping an eye out for the cops)? These are Pulitzer contenders.). Twitter makes me feel lousy, even when I’m right, and I’m often right. There’s just no point in barking bumperstickers at each other, and there are people who are speaking truth to power and doing a cleaner job of it – Aaron Rupar, Steven Pasquale, Louise Mensch, Imani Gandy and Ijeoma Oluo to name five solid mostly politically based accounts (Yes, Pasquale is a Broadway tenor. He’s also a tenacious lefty with good points and research and a dreamy voice. You think you’re straight and then you hear him sing anything from Bridges of Madison County and you want him to spoon you.). You’re probably already following those mentioned, but on the off chance you’re not, get to it. You’ll thank me, but you won’t be able to unless you actually have my email.

_______

[1] And Jesus, that’s worse – Ithaca is such a lefty enclave that they had an actual socialist mayor FOR WHOM I VOTED while I was there. And not socialist the way some people think all Democrats are socialist – I mean Ben Nichols actually ran on the socialist ticket and was re-elected twice for a total of six years.

[2] The National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, “America’s LGBT Economy” Jan 20th, 2017

[3] The Violence Policy Institute, Firearm Justifiable Homicides and Non-Fatal Self Defense Gun Use, July 2019.

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dumb-naive-bitch · 4 years ago

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I'm kind of really glad that nobody reads this page of mine anymore, so then I can vent to myself about how I'm truly feeling at this moment, and put it into words without being judged or told to stop complaining.

I know 2020 has been rough for a lot of people, but its extra hard on us who thought every other year was rough to begin with. Im sick of waking up every day knowing I have to go through the same fucking motions over and over and feeling like my life is going nowhere and yet I'm just getting older, fatter, uglier, etc. Its depressing on top of my depression. It doesn't matter if you have a decent job in this day and age because you still won't be able to afford shit. You won't be able to live in a house or apartment by yourself unless you want to be mortgage/rent poor. Im going to school and I dont even fucking want to because what's the point? If you don't have a doctorate, you once again wont be able to afford shit even after you have a degree. Im over 70 thousand in student loan debt and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, with roughly 30 to 40 thousand more to go to get a basic degree that will probably increase my current pay by 5 dollars an hour maximum. How fucking exciting and motivating is that? Like what is the point of living if you can't afford to do anything or have anything despite working hard for years and years? I'm honestly so over this fucking mundane every day bullshit that has no purpose because why even bother staying alive to not be happy? I dont know what is more annoying then people saying "money can't buy you happiness" because I would slap the fuck out of that person right now. Money would keep me from wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my car payment, or the 10 credit cards I racked up because buying small things like clothes/shoes is one of the only things that makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. Other than that, I have my dogs which I would die for, but honestly that causes me more stress and anxiety than I ever care to admit.

Its exhausting feeling trapped in a mind full of stress and worry and no light at the end of the tunnel because no circumstance in my life can ever change drastically enough to erase the despair that has become my reality. Ten plus years of major depressive disorder and anxiety with no relief because of once again not being able to afford the proper resources to get better, well that just sounds like a full circle, never-ending fuck of a life doesn't it? People out there who have it good just say shit like "start over," "find what you like to do," "get a different job," like how does any of that sound possible when you have no money to do any of those things? I'm so tired of everything being hard for me. Every fucking thing in my life is hard, yet other people get everything handed to them. Why? Do I want everything handed to me, fuck no. I rarely take help when offered because I'm not a charity case. I want my hard work to pay off, but you cannot get ahead in a society such as ours because everything costs so fucking much that you have to pick and choose between necessities. So basically, as a lower-middle class citizen its impossible for me to be happy and also live within my means, and in SC I make more than double minimum wage. How the hell to people who only make that afford to live? Or have anything nice? They will never be able to be independent, because affording housing for yourself with that salary is damn near impossible.

This short release of emotions I had planned in my head turned into a much longer bitchfest then I intended, but its just hard to go to bed every night knowing I'm still going to be me when I wake up. I truly cannot do it anymore. Im also so sick of worrying about how others will feel if I just die. They never say "I understand it must be hard for you to have to live like this every day, so I respect your decision because it is your life." Nope, they say shit like "just think how I would feel, or how so and so would feel if you were gone." Like why am I the selfish one in this situation? Because I don't want this life for myself? So fucking sorry your lives are so fucking great that you couldn't possibly see this through my eyes. No amount of telling someone how you feel is going to change how bad they truly want to hear it. Sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who don't really care to hear it, and definitely not understand it. Probably why I need a therapist. Oh wait, can't afford one so I will continue to suffer within my own thoughts and feelings.

They wonder why suicide is so fucking common among young people. Like do you see what we have to deal with? Besides the topics I mentioned previously, what about constantly seeing celebrities flash their endless shiny and fancy shit all over social media and the instgram models making you hate your fucking self for wanting to eat. Don't follow them? It doesn't matter if you do or don't because you will see it in ads or on one of your friend's pages anyway. You basically need to live off grid, grow your own food, live in a cabin in the woods without any form of media or form of entertainment whatsoever to rid that shit of your life. I also do not want that, so here I am yet again stuck again. Pitty me, pitty me hey? I dont have it that bad people will say. I have somewhere to live, a car, a job, blah blah blah. Like they know a single fuck about what races through my head all day every day. The stress, the feeling of failure, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of whats going on behind my back in my relationship, the feeling of why don't I have the motivation to do my school work, or finish the 5 projects I started, or go for a walk or run, or workout, or eat better, or want to do anything other than sit on my fucking couch and watch TV while my brain continues to race subcontiously, or why the fuck I cant just be happy? It's because not everyone is satisfied with the "simpler things in life." I want to be able to have options in my life. Like if I see something I want thats going to make me happy, I want to be able to buy it. I want to be able to go and travel to do it. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry if I buy or do that thing am I going to be able to pay my bills or buy food. Its debilitating for me. I am controlled by this disease that never lets my mind rest or be happy. Life is simply not worth living if it has to be this hard every day with no sign of a possibility to be better because of the circumstances I have been exposed to. You can't change certain things no matter what and those are things that im not willing to live with anymore. Im suffering and thats not what I want for myself. I want it gone, and for me I only have one option and I'm okay with it. I've been okay with it for over a decade now and that's never going to change. Period.

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yaboylevi · 5 years ago

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Hello there! I couldn't help but notice that salty anon asking about your stance on Levi so I'll ask again because it sure sounds interesting! Do you mind telling us how you feel about him?

Okay, so the original question from a dumb hater was how I could even support a romantic ship between Eren and Levi if I am not a Levi fan*.

*If a ”Levi fan”, like that idiotic anon meant, is someone who excuses all of Levi’s bad behaviors, then no, I am not a fan.

Premise no.1: I’ve loved Levi for so many years, he’s been part of my twitter handle in the past, is in my Tumblr url, icons on various social media, I have a lot of merchandise and not only for “the sake of the ship”. I genuinely used to love him to the point that he was my favorite character alongside Eren, I couldn’t pick one. So I guess I am a bit of a fan, after all.

Premise no.2: I am a gigantic bag of salt about this topic so tread carefully if you’re easily offended. I won’t sugarcoat my VERY BIASED opinions, and if you strongly disagree, that’s perfectly fine. I won’t change my opinion with the information we currently have, because this isn’t a gut reaction I spent two seconds on, I actually soul searched (lol) for the reasons as to why I felt so negatively about Levi. He was my fave, and I felt deeply hurt and confused and frustrated, so I thought long and hard about it. I am open to change my mind if anything else comes out of him in the future.

Also, I have already spent a lot of words on how I feel about Levi’s character as of late, here, here, and here, here, here and here for example, also here and here (I haven’t exactly been silent about it lol) but let me reiterate it into one incomplete post. It’s really freaking long, and a wall of text at it. I don’t expect people to put up with this messy rant, but suit yourself if you want to.

@ the people who sent these new questions almost a month ago, I’m sorry this isn’t the reply you hoped for. If you guys want a more positive take on this, just look through my ereri meta tag.

Levi as a character can be simplified in 3 points, in my opinion: 1) the deep, caring feelings he has for his comrades and as such the responsibility he feels for them and their deaths; 2) his violent side and how he resorts to violence to solve situations. These 2 merge together into 3) what used to be his main goal, free humanity. He lent his strength (that at times he uses for violence/to get his way) to the cause: helping in freeing humanity inside the walls because the sense of freedom is worth everything.

So, harsh opinion: I believe he has lost sight of his goal – as Isayama has stated in the past even though I didn’t wanna believe it because it made zero sense and cheapened everything I loved about Levi – and he has fallen back into his worst behaviors. Add to that a lack of active presence and engagement in the actual story, and you get this predictable, background character that I can’t for the life of me enjoy currently. Because apparently, he forgot how to live on his own without Erwin’s guidance (and here I’d have another bag of salt to pour but this would get too long, and I don’t have the patience to word it in a way that wouldn’t bring me the ire of his fans).

I don’t know if Levi is really supposed to be seen this way, but at least to me, the focus has been mostly on this: his anger/violence/flaws, and his lack of involvement.

I never liked the way he resorted to violence to “resolve” not life-or-death situations or simply to vent his frustrations, in the first place. It’s something Eren had to let go of, he was rewarded when he used his wits, abandoning pure rage for the sake of revenge, and it’s always been Isayama’s intention, imo, to show as much with the story in general and with Levi as well, as Levi has never been rewarded for it either.

So, witnessing his character revert AGAIN to kicks and straight-up sadism, as a fan, has been a big disappointment. Then, the shift of his goal because “saving humanity” wasn’t Erwin’s goal, after all, has been another point of disappointment – but this happened way before the current arc. His obsession with “making the dead soldiers’ sacrifices worth it” can be commendable, but the way he’s going about it is totally blind and dictated by anger and loss of hope, in a way, so I don’t see it as something positive either. He lacks vision, he lacks a voice in the things that are happening around him as if he doesn’t care whatever happens to all of them, as long as he can make Zeke suffer and kill him. I know it’s not totally the case, because we have seen (and I want to believe) that he still cares about his comrades who are still alive, as seen during the battle in Liberio and his reticence at following direct orders to kill Eren, but at the same time, the obsession with “repaying the lives of the dead” is making him being absolutely heartless for the sake of his “hope” (like, I’m paraphrasing here but he literally went “let’s go to war again and let Historia become a shifter if she so wants to, who cares, more deaths, yay”), though he himself doesn’t seem to care about hope and freedom and all this stuff that much anymore, or he would’ve spoken up about the mess Paradis and Hange were throwing themselves into, like Eren did.

Another point of dissatisfaction is that it seemed to me like he was forming stronger bonds with the 104th and he was becoming better at voicing his opinions without becoming violent, but I guess he either regressed, or I always read him wrong. His violence in 114 was downright revolting to me, I felt nauseous and, in a way, I’m glad he got k.o’ed. It put a stop to his metaphorical downfall, at least — I see post-timeskip Levi as a cheapened, worsened, “hyperfocused-on-just-one-side-of-him” version of the Levi I used to love in earlier arcs and he was only getting worse, imo.

And, as a special mention re: his violence and his relationship with Eren… It was interesting to observe how he slowly changed in regards to Eren, learning how to lift him up and get the best out of and for him, caring about and paying attention to Eren’s emotional state when no one could or would. It was also very interesting how he opened up to Eren just because he wanted to help him, always, from the beginning. THAT’S what really made me fall for the ship and for Levi.

Also, he thought that violence wasn’t the answer with Eren, and I guess I can excuse him for his behavior in Shiganshina because it was a charged challenge of sort for every character. But he really did think that nobody could make Eren submit with violence, yet he’s the one who tried to do exactly that as soon as they met again in ch.105. I was so disappointed that their relationship seemed to have regressed so much, I kept being hopeful only because of his face/words after the kick: he felt betrayed and saddened by Eren, so it meant he still cared deeply about him. And yeah, he does, but the reasons are also partially…bad.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe he cares about Eren as a person, the boy he met and decided to protect all those years ago, but now saving Eren has become deeply intertwined with saving his last remaining goal: making it up to the dead soldiers (and I’ve already explained why I think it’s not a “positive” goal). And it’s unfair and a skewed view, imo, because Eren really didn’t have much to do with every single death. But I think it’s Levi being desperate about it all, he clings to it or he’d lose it if he had to, um, reconsider his current mindset. He’s like…grasping at straws, I feel. Like he was doing with Erwin when Erwin revealed his true colors. Levi ended up reconsidering his own ideals and goals, back then, but in a bad way (he had no goals of his own, he just blindly followed Erwin, who cares about humanity, right? Even though he seemed to care oh so much before).

I guess it’s the downfall of the “Hero”. @/Isayama, was this necessary? Is this entertaining? I am personally not a fan of this, there were so many ways to challenge Levi’s belief & trust in Eren, and to still have Levi be an active player. This just feels like a cheap way to get him out of the picture and turn him into a really secondary character. He doesn’t feel like a main player in this arc.

So long story short, I’m very disappointed in his development. I was willing to go along with it in the hopes that it would be leading us to something very interesting and it seemed it could go into a good direction as I stated here. But when he seemed to be confirmed basically dead (literally, or anyway when it comes to his importance in current events), I’ve kind of lost all hope in regards to his character, and I felt so done about it. He is either gonna stay this way, or there’s gonna be some small, cheap, background-ish closure (though atm I fail to see how, seeing as the story is about to end) and if that’s the case, I fail to comprehend the purpose of his arc, then. I don’t think his is an unreasonable development, I just fail to see how the direction Isayama has decided to “develop” him in has any relevance to the story and its themes, as he used to be a major player with some good-ass, relevant presence in the story. As I said in some posts I linked above, Isayama may have lost motivation to develop Levi any further and dropped it from the “main players” roaster, probably when he decided to change Levi’s motivations halfway through the story (because yes, the problems I have with Levi started towards the end of Uprising).

I used to be a great Levi fan, if my username and icon are anything to go by, and I still like him when I reread some parts as I stated elsewhere, because I really, really love when he interacts with the 104th or like, with his subordinates or even Hange. It’s fun to watch and even cute, when he’s not being a violent arsehole. So it’s really a shame that it’s come to this.

And yeah, I’m sure some people may have noticed already, but the ereri content on my blog has become quite scarce, S3 and the shitfest that went down there in regards to Eren&Levi parts also dampened my hype for the ship, my dissatisfaction with Levi’s character and the way his interactions (or lack thereof) with Eren went recently just pissed me off. But I loved this ship for like 5 years, I’m attached to it, and I am capable of separating the good parts of it from the bad ones (though it’s become increasingly difficult). And most importantly, I still love the way their canon relationship was developed up until before the serum bowl. Almost nothing has happened with them since then, so that’s why I was still really hyped for the next 2 years, but recently, and with Levi’s return, I’ve just grown more frustrated and bored with it.

After all, I fell in love with the romantic fanon ship BECAUSE the canon relationship was so interesting, had potential, and seemed to be going some incredibly cool directions, as both the characters seemed to be similar, had the same goals and understood each other on a basic level. It turned out to be almost nothing in the end, but alas.

So, how can I ship them if I don’t like one of them?

I still like Levi, especially when I reread the early arcs. This doesn’t mean I have to accept the worst sides of him that have apparently taken over his whole personality. His violence ISN’T a flaw I - or anyone, imo - should accept. Snoring IS a flaw we can/have to accept if we love someone. Violence is something that must be overcome. My annoyance with people implying they are better fans because they accept and embrace and excuse him and his violence, compared to those who don’t like that, is also a factor in my frustration. Understanding why exactly he’s the way he is is part of being a fan of a character, wishing for him to become a better person and ultimately letting go of toxic (yeah) acquired behaviors, imo, is better than defending and hyping them up. Some people even LOVE and WISH that violence will be his downfall because it’s violence for the sake of avenging [redacted] so it’s sooo romantic. lmao, ok. And I won't even get started about the ones who SERIOUSLY say that adult characters don't need to change, because I'm gonna start laughing for 3 hours straight. Dudes, there's not an age where you stop changing. If you stop trying bettering yourself at age XX, then I already know you're a shitty adult irl, goodbye.

Anyways, back on track. As I said in another post I may have linked above, I thought his encounter and resolution with Kenny would have amounted to something in this regards, since Levi used violence to get acknowledgment and to feel like he was “worth” something, imo, but it was only a set up for serumbowl. Wasted chance.

And I get it that violence is the way he was taught to deal with things, but 20 years have passed since then and he had a whole character arc in Uprising about opening up, trusting, feeling trusted in return, and feeling good and grateful and happy about that BECAUSE he was open with his squad and learned that it was better to use words rather than fists. So I thought he had grown out of it at least a bit. But I mean, there are other characters who have regressed or haven’t changed at all after their supposed character arc, and that dampened to a great degree the enjoyment of such characters for me (Historia, Ymir, Reiner), so whatever I guess? I can definitely see it’s something of a “cruel” way of storytelling Isayama really seems to like, maybe because he wants the characters to suffer. I guess you can’t have a story if all of your characters become better people and overcome their flaws…well, actually you can, but I guess Isayama doesn’t want this to be that kind of story.

But anyway, just to be clear, it also ties in with wanting the characters you love to better themselves and let go of things that ruin their lives or that have roots in trauma. Wouldn’t you want that for someone you love, even and especially in real life? So, if his violent tendencies have been portrayed as “wrong”, Bad Coping Mechanisms, and rooted in childhood trauma, why is it so frowned upon in this goddamn fandom to wish for him to let go of them, since it’s something that has caused him and characters around him pain or distress or downright failure. Overcoming these flaws would mean he’d feel better about himself, and others, and his past, etc. Why is it SO wrong to wish him the best? Lmao, I don’t get it.

So when his “real fans” be like “Levi’s violence is a part of him, you don’t love him for real if you can’t accept that part. anyway he’s perfect the way he is”, I’m like…that’s actually bullshit. I just want him to be a better person, just like I wanted to be a better person when I had detrimental (for me and for the people close to me) behaviors due to mental health stuff.

It’s not even on the same level of wanting him to stop being rude, that’s part of his charm. Violence…is not a cool personality trait, and it’s something you should want him to get over.

–

I still love lots of things that were shown in the manga in regards to Eren and Levi, so I don’t get why I should justify myself for liking them together just because I don’t like some parts of one of them. I still think some of Levi’s best personality traits came out when he interacted with Eren, and I like the Levi who cares about Eren the most. Hence why I ship the goddamn ship. That’s all there is to it, really. Here I talked about what I loved about their relationship, though now I feel like a bit of a hopeful fool.

#nobody will read this 10k words long rant but whatever #shingeki asks #salt #Levi #unnecessary post but it was a good chance at venting #I feel like I haven't even touched one of the main big reason #but I don't want to talk about e*win tbh #arekupacific

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cecilspeaks · 6 years ago

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141 - Save Dark Owl Records

The prison of your own mind is undergoing budget cuts.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Today I’d like to open the show with a statement from a local business owner, Michelle Nguyen.

Michelle: An insidious presence has invaded our town. That presence is located in the Night Vale mall and is called the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. I’ve seen you shopping there, Night Vale, and I want you to know you’re all murderers with the figurative blood of independent record stores dripping from your hands. “No, no” you’ll say, “that isn’t figurative blood, it’s literal barbecue sauce from the Black Angus barbeque bacon burger and it’s delicious!” You’ll keep blathering on how about “Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express keeps thick juicy beef burgers layered in between your albums, so you can flip past them and impulse eat as you shop. It’s so convenient!” [angrily] Well you know what? Convenience is another words for laziness. When you come to my store, to Dark Owl Records, you have to earn your music! Our extensive underground section is kept literally underground, and you have to dig random holes in the dirt to find it. We don’t provide you with a shovel, you can’t even bring your own. You must use your fingers. Broken knuckles and fingernails peeled back to the quick are the sign of a true music lover. Sometimes, you won’t find music you think you like, but then you realize that the rhythmic grunts and scrapes of bloodied hands into rocky earth is itself music.

Anyway, come to my fundraiser tonight at Dark Owl Records. It’s a party, and parties are the worst, but I don’t have the money to pay my bills anymore and it’s your fault, so just show up and do the right thing, or I’ll go out of business. Ok, thanks!

Cecil: Thank you, Michelle. Our radio station is doing a remote broadcast live today at the Save Dark Owl fundraiser. We’ll do some interviews and there’ll be live bands, and it should be a lot of fun. Hope you see you down here, Night Vale! Come show your support for local small business.

But first, a word from our sponsor. Today’s program is brought to you by the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. The popular franchise mashup had its grand opening only three weeks ago and is already a booming success. From their regional frosty treats, like the cactus thorn malt, to their wide selection of best of complication albums. There’s something for everyone at Food Barn Gladtown Records Express. And by popular demand, there’s now extra fry sauce on everything, including the Bluetooth headphones. You don’t even have to ask for it. You have to ask if you don’t want fry sauce, and you have to give a good reason why not, like uh, a signed doctor’s note. Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. Your community entertainment culture conglomerate.

And now, a public service announcement.

Deb: Hey old friends! Corporeal humans, cor-corporeal humans, former babies, future corpses, this is Deb, a sentient patch of haze, speaking for the department of motor vehicles. We know you haven’t heard from us in a while. But [blows raspberry] we haven’t heard from you either. Relationships are a, [clicks tongue] two-way street, so to speak. But [hiccups], I know there’s been some tension and things have gotten a little weird between us. No need to get into that right now. Or ever again, as far as we’re concerned. But if you wanna come over some time and just talk, just say hi or anything, then the department of motor vehicles will be opening our doors for one hour every weekday between 2 and 3. That’s all we have to give emotionally right now. Self..care. We would like to see you again though just to [emotionally] hear your voice. We hope you’ve been doing well. [hiccups] We’re a little drunk, and it’s late. Man, we just got done watching Carol for the third time in a week. [angrily] And you haven’t really been posting on social media lately, so we just wanna know what’s going on with you. [drinking noises] Again, no pressure, no strings attached, and if it gets crowded you could always take a number as usual. But the DMV wants you to know whether your number 19 or 99, you’re always number 1 to us! [snorts] [cries] We, we miss you. We miss you.

Cecil: Listeners, we’re here live at Dark Owl Records, and the fundraiser is getting off to a great start! People are buying shards of records they dug out of the ground, there’s a cake with thick black frosting and undulating tendrils. Mm, looks delicious! There’s an effigy of the Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express with a lot of long pins sticking out of it. And at the center of all the excitement is Dark Owl owner herself, Michelle Nguyen, and her girlfriend Maureen. What a treat! Hey you two, wanna say hello to all of Night Vale? Ah that’s weird. Uh, Michelle sent me a text right now while simultaneously staring unblinkingly into my eyes from three feet away. Uh, her text says: “We heard the spot you did for Burger Barn Gladtown Rec Ex and we are not speaking to you at this time. Please leave my party, Cecil.” Oh I get it, oh no, this is a, a simple misunderstanding, Michelle. See, in radio journalism, we have a moral responsibility to play ads and make lots of money. I see where you’re confused. Does that help clear things up? Aaand Maureen is pouring ice coffee all over my laptop. I’ll go find a towel, while you go to the weather.

[A Pale Sun Rises Over New York" by Scrawnyman, https://scrawnyman.bandcamp.com]

Michelle: Hey, this is Michelle. Cecil had to go away, but there was a hastily assumed agreement I would take over the show while he’s gone, so here I am, Michelle. Broadcasting live from my own party, which is better than mingling with people and being all social and stuff, right? Uh, no offense to anyone who’s here, but this is the first party I’ve ever agreed to attend and it was only out of desperation. I mean, all parties are born out of some form of desperation. Ugh, parties are the worst! I wish everyone would go home. No, no, don’t go home, it’s so nice that you’re here… I guess. But you know what else is nice? Being alone. Or mostly alone. That’s really what independent record stores stand for, you know? Individuality, independence, isolation. Don’t follow the herd, go home, be alone. It’s the best.

Oh shoot, I was afraid something like this would happen. I mean, everything’s fine, there’s just a little situation out back. I’m gonna hand the mic over to Maureen while I deal with this.

Maureen: Um, hello? Hey, uh, this is Maureen. Don’t be scared or anything. A-actually be scared, but not about what I’m going to tell you. So what happened is some people were digging in the underground music section and the ground kind of split apart and now there’s a giant, like arthropod thing. Uh, it’s tearing people’s limbs off and whatever. Seems really mad and people are screaming, there’s like a lot of blood, blood is so stupid. But Michelle has it under control now. She’s kicked out everyone but the spider crustacean thing, because it was the only one who wasn’t being fake about its love of music. So yeah um, come on down to the store. Uh remember: we’re here to save Dark Owl! And even though the biggest section is the not for sale rack, there’s still a lot of great things to choose from. I know that some of the best things I’ve ever found have been here. Michelle, for one. Uh, don’t tell her I said that.

Also earlier today, I was crawling around inside the ventilation system, and I thought it would be really narrow and claustrophobic like air closed shafts usually are, but actually it kept growing wider and taller until I could stand up and walk around. I could even run if I wanted to. The ducts and passageways unfolded in front of me and I felt totally lost, but in a good way. I ran and ran and somewhere along the way I lost my flashlight and it didn’t matter. I could see with a sense other than vision, maybe it was taste. Ductways tasted like an everything bagel, and that guided my way. Then I could taste voices outside the vents. A voice I knew well was talking to a customer about a color limited edition single of “Love Will Tear Us Apart” on one side and “Love Will Keep Us Together” on the other. The record’s cover art depicted the eruption of Mount St Helens, but like a year before it actually happened, which makes it super valuable. I followed the taste of their voices, which was like green apples but the artificial candy flavor version, and I ended up in the obsolete media bunker behind the register, where I lay down on a pile of warm Sheena Easton singles and CD-roms filled with corrupted Limewire files. And that’s where I am now. Aand I’m gonna take a nap. Bye! [snoring]

Michelle: Hey Night Vale, I’m back. It’s all under control now. Sorry, I have kind of a contentious relationship with my neighbor Matt. He’s a 15-foot coconut crab that lives underneath the lot behind our store. We usually get along OK, but he really does not like parties, and I should have told him in advance, but I was busy and totally forgot, so my bad. Anyway, I let Matt eat the patrons who were wearing airpods and he was happy, so the party is still going strong. Most of the people are dead or have been kicked out, but I wanna make it clear that the party is still happening. So come on down to Dark Owl Records and save our store! Honestly, things are so much better now that everyone’s gone, so this is really the perfect time to show up. We have some special listening stations where you can browse all your favorite genres, like silence, post-silence, proto-silence, under-silence… I know you guys might not have heard of under-silence yet, but that’s like when the headphones are projecting what’s inside of you back into your own ears and you can hear your internal organs processing blood and fluids, and you’re filled with the awe of how all these seemingly archaic gooey parts can possibly work together to keep you alive and functioning, and you eventually pass out and/or vomit.

[sighs] I really don’t know what I’ll do if I have to leave this place. I’ve spent so much time here, I don’t even remember where my house is. One night after work, I walked down the street I thought it was on, but nothing looked familiar. And I kept walking for hours. I finally saw my house, but when I walked in, the door opened into the kitchen instead of the living room, and there was this family I’d never seen before eating dinner. There were four large serving bowls of mashed root vegetables on the table. The family didn’t notice me at all, they ate their mush and talked about their days. The mom was worried about the new boss at work, and the son forgot to go to his dentist appointment, and the daughter had a chemistry test that went okay. I didn’t want to freak them out, so I et myself out the back door and kept walking until it as morning. And in the cacophonous creak of dawn, I ended up back at Dark Owl just in time to open for the new day. And it didn’t matter, you know, that I couldn’t find my house because –

Wait, what’s this? An empty-eyed courier child just handed me an envelope. There’s a, there’s a check inside, and it’ a coupon for something called the “100 percent fish hot dog”, and a hand written note. It says, “Hello, my name is Jules, and I’m the franchise owner at the new Burger Barn Gladtown Records Express. Here is the rest of the money for your fundraising goal. When you become a franchise owner like me, you’ll think to yourself, ‘oh cool I’m an entrepreneur now, I’m going to be my own boss. I’m finally going to have agency in my life, you know?’ At least that’s what I thought when I filled out he online personality test that told me I had what it takes. I’m a type 23: outgoing but grounded. I’m detail-oriented but I can also see the big picture. I’m competitive, but I follow the rules. Classic type 23.” The note goes on. “But there are so many rules, Michelle. You have to conform when you’re in a franchise. And if you don’t, you’ll go under. Not merely monetarily, but to this place they refer to only as the cavern. If you end up there, you don’t ever come out again. Anyway, one rule is that we need at least one business competitor to remain open at all times. Until our lobbyists overturn the Sherman anti-trust act, we need Dark Owl Records to stay in business. So please take this money. I don’t wanna go to the cavern. Please, Michelle. Sincerely, Jules.”

OK, not sure how to deal with this right now if I’m honest. This person opened up a rival record franchise, and now they wanna give me money from their corporation to stay in business? I dunno. I need to go soul searching. I need to listen to some ambient room tone tracks used under famous movie scenes. I really like the one from the diner in “When Harry Met Sally”. Whatever, I guess. [steps, door closes]

[steps] Cecil: Night Vale, I’m so sorry I left you. I went to get a towel to clean up the spilled ice coffee, and there was this giant spider lobster thing, he-he cornered me and I couldn’t escape. He just kept talking and talking and god, he was boring! The worst person to run into at a party. I didn’t know how to get out of the conversation without being rude, uh I finally said I’d go grab us both a slice of cake and sidled out of there. I hope everything went OK while I was gone. Let’s see. Oh, there’s no one really left. The radio gear has been abandoned except a sleeping Maureen under my chair. There’s an inordinate amount of blood on the floor, and hey looks like the little cardboard thermometer that shows the fundraising goal has been fully colored in! Wow! We did it Night Vale! I guess that means there’s enough money to keep Dark Owl in business, at least through this month’s bills. That’s the thing about bills, they keep happening.

Well, whatever the future holds, the party was clearly a success. As was this ultra fun remote broadcast. So music lovers, kick back, put on your fry sauce-dosed headphones, listen to your newly purchased album shards, and put some vitamin E cream on those knuckles! Stay tuned next for the cla-cla-clack of CD cases being browsed, like a fluttery little heartbeat in the darkness.

Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: A good way to tell if an artistic idea is worthwhile is to remember that the most successful video game of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles”, so who knows?

#welcome to night vale #eisode 141 #save dark owl records #wtnv transcripts

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funkkpunk · 5 years ago

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Sober October days 11 & 12

Truly feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and that is okay. I admit to myself that I haven’t been working out like I should. I haven’t been studying and trying to improve my jiu jitsu. I haven’t been pushing myself in music. Haven’t been eating as clean as I should. Or sleeping as much as I should. Or treating myself with kindness. I’ve just been kind of going through every day telling myself that tomorrow will be better. Been putting all of my meaning into a single relationship and I failed at that. I don’t mean to be dramatic when I say life without it has lost a lot of its essence. The highlights of my days are the animals I see. I went to Blythe this weekend and it was so nice to see Luna the loving blue heeler. She’s so smart and so mischievous. There were 2 new dogs at the ranch, brothers Oso and Rocky. Can’t remember who but I think it was Rocky who had his hip broken from being stuck in the fence. Poor guy was limping around but in good spirits. Life on the outskirts of civilization is a bit more real. It’s beautiful and tragic. I think we’ve had 3 or 4 dogs die in the past few years, something that’s kind of unheard of over here in suburbia. It makes it special when one like Luna continues on, it shows her intelligence I think. I worked on the tractor all day preparing the soil for the horse arena. It was fun, but my phone fell out of pocket and I ran it over and did not realize until it was too late. That’s like the 4th one in a couple of years lol. Not going to let my mom fix it this time because last time I told her would be the last time and that I would take care of it. I know she’ll still ask me to fix it but it won’t be long I just got a job. Going to be working for my dad.. lol such a rich kid sometimes. So sheltered in my own little world. Phone breaks? Mommy will buy you one. How did you break it? Working on your father’s ranch? No not really working, just giving them a hand because I have the luxury of doing so. Need a job? Don’t worry Daddy has one for you. Lol but I’m just being cynical, in reality I am lucky to have that opportunity and I know that it goes both ways because I get to help him out with his business. But yeah after the tractor work we went and picked up some hay. Fun and exhausting in a good way. Killed my allergies though smh sensitive ass. After that I showered, ate, and watched a couple of movies with my dad and tata. First time I had really seen him laugh in a while which was nice. But after the movie he told me how it hurts so bad to lay down and sleep. He said if he could he would shoot himself but that you just have to tough it out till the end. I’m not sure which one takes more courage. He is a strong man. I remember he told me not to play games with Susan that if I loved her I should do so with conviction. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I’ve spent so much of my life ignoring the advice of others and where has it gotten me. Better late than never I guess. Followed my mothers advice to unfollow Susan on social media as well. I mean I guess I see her point because yes seeing her do well does make me feel a bit sad (toxic POV, I know) but honestly I feel like that’s the only reason I even use social media right now lol. I guess memes are fun now and then. Humorous little distractions from the world. But yeah I decided to not reach out as well. I don’t care if I make a fool out of myself (I had wanted to ask if certain social media posts were about me) but I’m just going to continue to respect the fact that she didn’t want me to speak to her. Even though I have already broken that twice by now. I can’t act upon selfish desires and wants, because at the end of the day what could I really provide to her life at this point. I’ll just learn my lessons. Plus I keep just making myself feel sad and I don’t think its healthy. I’ve cried almost every day give or take a few since I’ve moved and at this point I just have to stop putting myself in little situations that will provoke such feelings. The only one that’s almost impossible to avoid is the post jiu jitsu shower LOL. Yikes. Gotta stop living in my own delusions.. not only about her but about the things I’m “pursuing” (air quotes because of stagnation). I made a couple of beats in the car and originally I thought they were good, but upon second listening I hated them. Can’t seem to make anything that I like lately.. so I guess it’s time to put some more effort into my skills. But real effort, with intention. Not just habitual practice, although I guess I can give myself props for being semi consistent. What was the point of this again? I guess it’s just a space to vent some thoughts. Oh yes, today I went to the ranch of my dad’s friend and I got to see a couple of my dad’s Andalusian horses. They were really sweet creatures I just wanted to pet them for the rest of the day. So powerful and intimidating and yet they were so calm. I remember reading that horses are considered healing animals by some native american tribes, I wonder if I felt that today. Felt like shit as soon as I got home though lol. I was originally going to take a nap but I think I’m going to shower, go to the gym (yes in that order), and clean a bunch of shit so I can attack my Monday from a positive perspective. I say that I’m going to stay away and yet I still make these posts.. why? Honestly for the possibility that you might read this and have some insight into my thoughts. But what does that even do for me? Is that just manipulative? I don’t think I’d let myself do that if I knew for sure this person you didn’t want anything to do with me. And yet for some reason I have the slightest bit of hope that you do. Such a hypocritical mindset lol it’s like really defeated at first “oh what can i even provide to her life blah blah blah” but then it’s like “I just wanna show you love and do everything right!! Ima have money for dates! and a body for the beach! I’ll apply my creativity and my passion and I’ll never allow you to doubt my love for even a second”. Man idk. This shit is too long but ima post it anyways. No going backwards in life. Gonna feed the dogs and workout.

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