#anyways something along thse lines

[paulgadzikowski]

Well I broke my pornblock this afternoon. I've been meaning to more of a presence at Pillowfort ever since Inadequacy Lad lost his court case not to have bought Twitter, and the only thing I'm interested in posting to social media which I can't post here is NSFW cartoons, yet I haven't seemed able to draw NSFW over there more often than once in a month or two. This week I've been thinking I'm self-sabotaging with one or more of three things:

I'm inclined draw my NSFW in line drawings instead of in triangles, hence my interest this month in being able to draw with a stylus again, one way or the other attempting to make the work as easy as, and no more time consuming than, triangles are; which hasn't been particularly successful. Also, how erotic can triangle figures be?

I've been drawing furry NSFW instead of fannish NSFW. Something about the atmosphere around copyright these days was making me feel leery of doing the latter, though I don't remember what. Also I genuinely have always had an interest in working in what used to be called funny animals which I haven't indulged significantly since my pre-internet paper dailies (though I did redraw some of those for the internet in the aughties which are reprinted on Tumblr here). Also I thought working with anthropomorphs would remove the obstacle of having to start every drawing with, "But which pair(s) of the last fifty years' beloved characters do I want fucking this time?"; but I've only replaced that with, "Jungle animals or woodland animals? Rodents or megafauna? If they're not mammals I'll have to add my rationale disclaimer for why they still have tits."

Being a writer as well as an artist I'm inclined to draw multiple panels, one or more panels of scene setup dialog and then one or more panels of sex acts, instead of just a single piece of two characters churning the ol' crotch butter.

Especially lately, these three things (along with knowing I have a preference for animating the sex which adds a whole nother step) have in synergy been keeping me from starting new pieces or from getting very far with them once I do start, even after I got the stylus or dug out my old tablet. But today - on the first day of the Three Faces summer break - I finished and posted something new! I did it by chucking the first two of the self-restrictions listed above, out to break the dam.

Anyway if you wanna check out what I've posted on Pillowfort I'm scarfman there, and I tag all my posts scarfman whether on my blog or in a community. However I suspect you have to be logged in to see posts designated NSFW.

I'd prolly draw more freehand art if I had a stylus again

[duhragonball]

I was writing a battle scene, and I needed some cannon fodder for the bad guy side, so I went with “necro-cyborgs”, which I first saw in Avengers v.3 #21.     The original idea was that Ultron wiped out all life in the Eastern European nation of Slorenia, claimed the country for himself, and then rebuilt the dead civilians with robot parts to guard its borders from a U.N. counterattack.  I always thought this was a cool concept, because it highlighted Ultron’s utter lack of humanity.   He’s not just a supervillain like Dr. Doom or the Red Skull.   Even they would probably balk at the idea of using corpses as weapons, but Ultron doesn’t mind at all.  

So that forced me to second-guess my decision to steal that idea.    As I thought back on that Avengers comic, I recalled how effectively Kurt Busiek scripted it.   I mean, look at the panel above.   Fifty-seven words to get the horror and tragedy across.    And the next page has some awesome dialogue from Thor and Iron Man, as they express how deeply disturbed at Ultron’s handiwork.    I was just using it as a throwaway concept, which is kind of a waste.    Really, I should probably go for something more like the cyborgs in the “Universal Soldier” movies, or maybe stick to full-fledged robots or full-fledged zombies.

This got me thinking about how powerful ideas can lose their impact over time.     This Avengers comic was from 1999, and it’s been rattling around in my braid for over 20 years now.    When I first read it, it was a big deal, a fresh new take.   To me, at least.   I’m betting this isn’t the first time a mechanized cadaver showed up in a comic book, but it was presented in a really poweful, effective way, and I’ve never seen it used since, so it’s never really had a chance to become cliche.    If the Avengers fought armies of these things every few months, it would lose all meaning.    Sooner or later, human bad guys like Dr. Doom and the Red Skull would start using this sort of thing, because it would become commonplace.   It’s like how Archie Bunker’s toilet flushing was revolutionary at the time, but I’ve never understood the importance of it, because Al Bundy would flush his toilet in every episode of Married with Children.

This got me thinking about the Borg, and how they sort of lost their luster over the course of the 90′s and 2000′s.    I’ve been getting some Star Trek clips recommended to me on YouTube, and I’ve been watching some Borg stuff from across TNG and Voyager, in nothing close to chronological order.   In their first appearance, they were presented as this powerful, unfathomable enemy.   They wanted to take control of the Enterprise, but it wasn’t clear what they wanted to do with it.   Everyone remembers when they assimilated Captain Picard, and at the time that was presented as this horrible, earth-shattering thing, like the very worst possible thing a bad guy could do.    From there, assimilation was pretty much what the Borg became all about.    They assimilated Picard so he would help them assimilate Earth, and Star Trek has never looked back.     They just want to assimilate everyone and everything.  

So, in this Voyager clip I just watched, it was from an episode where Janeway leads a team onto a Borg ship and gets assimilated on purpose, for the sake of infiltrating the Borg for some mission, I think to rescue Seven of Nine, but I forget.   I always found this odd, because Picard’s assimilation was depicted as this traumatic experience that he never fully recovered from, and then you have Voyager characters doing it as casually as a G.I. Joe dressing up in a Cobra uniform to sneak into their base.    Without really meaning to, they made it so mundane that it lost some of its dramatic potency.  

Some of that I blame on Star Trek: First Contact, where the Borg in that movie had the power to inject nanoprobes into their victims and assimilate them on contact, instead of the hours-long process they used on Picard.    It worked well in that movie, because the Borg were trapped on board the Enterprise, and their only way to stay in the game was to convert the ship to their side as quickly as possible.   Same deal as the Borg Queen.   They invented her because they needed a character for the good guys to talk to and interact with.  

The trouble with all of that was that Voyager had to use all those ideas too, and it seemed a little weird that you have all these thousands of Borg ships with tens of thousands of cyborgs on each one, and they all have those nanoprobe injectors, and they have huge “transwarp hubs” that let them go anywhere in the galaxy, and yet they only sent one ship to assimilate one guy when they first invaded the Federation.   If they’re so brutally efficient about assimilation, and they’re such a big operation already, then why haven’t they already taken over the whole galaxy?   

Besides, what do they need all those bodies for, anyway?    The official line is that they want to add other culture’s “distinctiveness” to their own, but they never seem to actually use any of that.    They just make all thse aliens look exactly the same, and they make them stand around in a big box all day.    There’s never a big idea behind any of it.   They would show Borg Planets and Borg space stations or whatever, and they always looked like the same dark-grey crap their ships are made out of, only bigger.    What’s any of it for?   They’re presented as this cosmic-level threat, like Galactus, except they never explain that he’s hungry.  

I guess what I’m saying is that each Borg story sort of works better in isolation.   Once you start thinking about all of them as a single arc, there are inconsistencies that creep in.   Taken as a whole, they become less potent as a villain.   I always wanted to see the Borg get nerfed a bit, so that we could get into what they’re really about behind all of their power, but it seems like there’s not a lot to them once you take away their air of invincibility.    And that only works for so long.  

There’s other examples of this, of course.  One of the reasons I fell out of reading comics was that it seemed like the only stories they ever wanted to tell were about multiverses and different versions of the same character meeting each other to stop some bad guy from destroying the multiverse.   No one can just fight crime anymore, it has to be an epic battle that will rock the very foundations of the [x] Universe.   The shaky-cam effect in movies probably seemed like a good idea once upon a time, but everyone’s sick of it now.    I read something once about how you never see quicksand in fiction anymore, when it used to show up all the time.    Somewhere along the way it just stopped being novel and audiences stopped taking it seriously.  

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Iruma-kun 10 - 12 | Shinchou Yuusha 9 - 12 (FINAL) | Dr Stone 22 - 24 (FINAL) | BnHA 72 - 74 | Stars Align 9 - 12 (FINAL) | No Guns Life 10 - 12 (FINAL)

Iruma-kun 10

That mascot is still around to annoy poor Kalego, huh? (LOL) I also noticed the demonstration demons have horns like oni.

Oh no! This means Azz-Azz is a prime target for Iruma!

(I was going to write something. Then I got so engrossed in the action, I forgot to…)

LOL, Sabro’s too heavy for Team A to lift!

Oh, Iruma’s hair isn’t tied anymore…

“…pruning this cactus.” – Does Eggie-sensei like plants?

Ooh, the first double-parter ever for this show, I think it is.

Shinchou Yuusha 9

Apparently ep 10 got delayed…*sigh*

LOL, thre’s product placement for a certain ice cream brand in this episode, huh?

Can we not with the boob grope???

*Rista takes care of Mash and Elulu* - Rista’s such a mom sometimes…

Stars Align 9

This one scene with Nao looks really blue…it’s almost unsettling.

Oh dear…I understand the sentiment of an inferiority complex all too well.

Dr Stone 22

Now we’re back to good ol’ science vs. survival of the fittest philosophy clash. Now, see, that’s the Dr Stone I like best!

Torricelli’s law.

Why is mica like baumkuchen? Probably because it has a lot of layers…

Wow, for WSJ – which encouraged fangirls all over the world to make yaoi/shonen ai ships – they sure tossed out the yaoi/shonen ai option real fast…

Skarn. I’ve never heard of it until now.

Magma, staring at the product of magma…LOL.

I…don’t get it. Even after watching the bit again, I don’t understand why Magma was trying to save Senku.

So…as is said for most WSJ series, the treasure was the friends we made along the way…LOL, what a way to acknowledge a trope.

Lemme guess…surprise birthday party? (Sorry, when I was reading up on Magma earlier, I saw that Magma helps with a birthday surprise for Senku and I found out what it was.)

I wonder if Rei is still up there at this point…? (Who’s Rei? You’ll find out if you read the Byakuya reboot…)

Well, “Rock Day” only works in Japanese. The language would’ve drifted over thousands of years so it shouldn’t work in the year 5731 (or whatever year Dr Stone is set).

Dr Stone 23

One episode until the end…but I’m away over Christmas, so I’ll have quite a bit to catch up on when I’m back. Update: I never did end up going away over Christmas.

Senku is much more of a trickster hero than an action hero. That’s been pretty obvious all the way through, but here it’s at its most obvious.

Oh, so Kaseki made the village bridge? Is that a correct assumption…? Update: I think the answer was yes from the manga.

How much chemistry does Gen know, anyway? Assuming he’s a humanities person because of psychology and his tricks, it must only be basic, right?

Thse intense stares…I’ve been reading JJBA: DiU lately, so I’m expecting an 80s-style “!!” to appear over someone’s head at this point, LOL.

Ooh, hardware. In fact, it looks like the inside of a computer…or, more relevant to this case, a phone.

So it’s not “rules are rules” anymore? Now Kinro’s changed his words to reflect his faith in Senku…hmm! Interesting! (Update: A quick google says Kinro is 18. Senku is about 18 (+ 3700 years). Plus, after they start dragging Ginro away, Kinro says his trademark line.)

Wouldn’t the coal smoke alert Tsukasa of the village’s location, though…? Then again, thanks to Homura and Hyouga, Tsukasa already knows their location…oops.

Rochelle salt.  

I saw that one shot of the world from the 1st OP and I thought there was meant to be a post-credits segment…LOL, nope.

Dr Stone 24 (FINAL)

The “acquisition message” basically said “We didn’t (just) need one cell phone, (so) it was useless!” Notably, it uses the counter for large items (like computers) for the phone.

Having finished the Byakuya reboot now, I wanna cry every time I hear about the guy…

Oh! The eyecatch is a record!

Basically, what records do is that they recreate sounds by using vibrations created by the grooves of the disc. Sound is a set of vibrations.

“Astronauts are science elites…” – Except maybe Lillian Weinberg…

I like Shamil out of the guys from the Soyuz the most. He’s a cross between Tsukasa and Senku. Stoic yet skeptical, a voice of reason for Byakuya’s sillier outbursts.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the shield was made with CGI, tbh.

Byakuya’s humour here is betraying the emotional capacity of the scene…it’s gone from “100% tear-inducing” to “confusing”.

Please sing Tsubasa wo Kudasai, Lillian…*crosses fingers*

I didn’t get what I wanted, but oh well. This song is good too. (I wouldn’t be surprised if most of the record player was CGI too. It’s good CGI for sure.)

LOL, Puyo Puyo! Even Sherlock Holmes! Dragon Ball, Nintendo Switch, VR, Saiyuki! It’s like a treasure trove of references!

Normally the s2 announcement comes after the credits, so I was thrown for a loop when it was announced before the ED…anyways, this is the end of the s1 coverage. See you for s2!

BnHA 72

[no notes, sorry!]

Iruma-kun 11

Robin looks like Iruma…(this vaguely annoys me.)

I noticed Keroli (sp?) is in the back left, alone…that’s kinda sad.

Sabro is hella tall…even taller than Azz-kun, and that says something.

Ah…I love Eggie-sensei. He’s so funny!

Really? I thought Sullivan wrote them (the rules).

I wanna see an episode where Eggie-sensei can’t turn into his fuzzy form and has to do familiar activities with Iruma. That, or an episode where Eggie-sensei has some human parts and some familiar ones (although that would scare some little kids, I think…)

What a Machiavellian mindset Eggie-sensei has!

Iruma’s got wine, people! Underage drinking is a no-no! (partially joking)

Good on ya, Clara! Go kick those girls to the kerb!

The butterflies are so beautiful in this show!

So basically school clubs.

Hmm…it’s almost a Fordist approach. I mean, “freeing yourself up to do other things” is basically the entire ethos of that.

NGL 10

I was reading JJBA: DiU today and Colt seriously looks like a Jojo’s character…

“Your face is just like…”

N-No way! You mean, the Victor Mary’s wanted to see all along…is the other gunhead…?! Geesh, what a plot twist!

Stars Align 10

“We all play to win.” – That’s very Maki of you, Maki.

Shinjo/Oshimi???? That must be Ryoma…! By the way, what’s up with these Itsuse twins…?

Who’s Hatanooka? Update: That’s the team with Joy in it…and those fangirls who busted Mitsue up.

F*** it…Arashi, I wanna pummel you someday.

LOL, you can sell your temmates out with chanpuru, huh, Arashi?

Did Maki suggest something subliminally…?

*Maki and Toma run around* - LOL, this play is completely unorthodox, haha. I can tell even if I’m no expert.

Shinchou Yuusha 10

We’re back after another week’s break…

Come to think of it, how do fantasy worlds have concepts of “hours”?

LOL, how convenient it was that there just happened to be a dude needing healing walking past! (partially sarcastic, partially meaning it since the circumstances foreshadowed it)

“Talent”, eh? *stares at the camera, which is showing Rista’s boobs, with disapproval*

The Demon Spirit Orb is basically a monster cell from OPM 2, isn’t it…?

If Seiya came from our world…then I’m sorry, Wolks, but whoever told you is completely and utterly wrong. *gestures at all the conflicts around the world, including political turmoil*

“Are you calling…”  

No Guns Life 11

Second-last ep!

Oh great…another yandere?(I read JJBA: DiU hardcover vol. 2 yesterday, so I’m still thinking about Yukako Yamagishi…)

There’s a convertible in the OP, though…I wonder if that will come into play later. Update: Even if it does come into play in the future, it doesn’t happen in ths cour.

Stars Align 11

It was like Joy was showing off to the camera…LOL.

Apparently, Joy’s name is a weird reading for yorokobi (happiness).

This feels like a final episode…

Hmm. I thought Yonex sponsored this. Turns out that’s a parody logo after all (or at least, here it’s a parody).

One of the Itsuse bros looks exactly like Maki, so it’s confusing…

I’m still confused as to why Shijo Minami’s shirts say nantei on them. The minami might be nan in another way of reading it, but…the shi can only be read kokorozashi otherwise and while the jou can be read many, many ways, tei isn’t one of them.

Ume = plum blossom, so that purple-pink colour really suits them.

BnHA 73

Eri’s name means, literally, “to break reason”.

This scene with the stars and the dancefloor…that’s new.

Iruma-kun 12

Sometims you forget this dork *points at Azz* is more powerful than Iruma and Clara…

You can see Clara and Iruma in the shot of Azz-kun.

The reason why I like calling Kalego “Eggie-sensei” is because he doesn’t like it! 

I love how the narrator is even aware it’s been mentioned several times Iruma can’t decline requests.

New Magic is basically science…?

Oh, it would be hilarious if this character Iruma just bumped into and he (Iruma) would be in a Battler together…but I’ve read spoilers, so I know what Iruma will join…

Is this some kind of allegory for technology…?! *eyes sparkle* Yes, I want in! Iruma! Join this club!

Even this demon’s clip is a book! Amazing!

Clara! She dab! In a pot!

Come to think of it, in the basic premise, Iruma-kun (the show) is Kenja no Mago, right? The Wise Man’s Grandson…sort of.

Shinchou Yuusha 11

Almost at the end…I’ll sorely miss this show.

Is Tiana some former version of Rista…?

How old is Seiya again…? Update: Apparently he’s 17…and if he’s the same age as he used to be in this flashback, then…kinda squicky, no?

Stars Align 12 (FINAL)

I heard this show dropped the ball and that Nao’s mother got a rant, but otherwise I don’t quite know what happens here…so let’s finish what we started. Update: Nao’s mother’s rant was in a previous episode.

Oh hey! It’s that running thing Nao and Taiyo were doing…I think. (I don’t think I’ve grasped everyone’s names, even over 12 eps, so I had to check Taiyo’s name up.)

Oh, these gremlins…*sighs happily but also exasperatedly* No wonder this show took out a top 10 position for my 2019 list.

I’m worried now…there’s always a last minute thing to ruin an episode on this show.

I always thought Ryoma’s hair was pretty nice…(small LOL). That’s just my bias for bishonen showing though.

I’m…scared now…Maki’s dad must’ve come back and the red in the sky really sold that moment…

Maki…no!!!!!!!! Aw, f***, that’s the final seconds…geesh, way to end the series. If this were a 2 cour, I’d definitely watch the next one, but since I heard through ANN that this is all we have so far, really, the only thing I can do for a passion project is hope another cour gets funded and (maybe) purchase what I can to help out. Well, that’s it, folks, skedaddle out of here until next time.

No Guns Life 12 (FINAL)

This pendant reminds me of the mana compass I saw in Fate/Zero yesterday.

I bet Danny planted those footprints…or something like that. Update: Yup, he did.

Come to think of it, is Juzo still missing his arm from last time…?

“You weren’t my client, little lady.” – There’s one of two possible options here, I think: 1) the hands guy was or 2) Danny was.

I wonder, will the hand Extended ever become his (Juzo’s) left hand? Or will he get an Extension for it?

Wow, second huge end-of-season cliffhanger! Juzo got a new buddy, it seems…anyway, see you in spring!

Cautious Hero 12 (FINAL)

If the Valkyryja (sp?) isn’t magic…what is it???

That one guy lying on the side of the fountain, looking all drunk…LOL.

Geez, you make me wanna cry, show!!!

Even the alarm clock is dejected…geez…

This is…the best conclusion of the fall season in that Seiya defeated the Demon King and the story wrapped up properly, but the worst in that Seiya died. No one died in Stars Align, even if they failed a tonne! So…I dunno. I guess it should be happy it ended optimistically…anyways, enough of my moping. See you next time.

BnHA 74

Shin Nemoto = “the truth of the origin of the sound”, if you stuck the particle no between each character.

Tintin got scary, LOL.

Lemillion, making “no capes” go out of fashion again (LOL).

Wow, talk about a clip show…! This is really one.

Check the end of the episode, don’t forget to watch the post-credits segments, people.

[princebete]

ooc update

Life is still crazy and i think October MAY have been the worst. I won’t hold my breath,  because now we are at that 5 1/2 week point from the big wedding day and I am unsure what to expect. But I can say that all the bridal showers are over, I had one the second weekend of october in san diego where half of the family lives, then I went to a convention with Mark-- and then this past weekend I had a show and another bridal shower  here in MN.  The one in cali was mainly because the family that came, were coming because they wouldn’t make the wedding. So this was their way of “ attending” the happiness. I would’ve liked my showers to be co-ed... I don’t really have a hard set view on women or men or whomever attending and it has to be this one specific way... but this also gave Mark some time to do what he wanted. 

The bridal showers were both fun. One had more class, I’d say. Held at this nice authentic mexican restaurant in old town in San Diego. One giant harvest table, we played one game and then opened gifts. I feel weird opening gifts and being stared at-- i was so fricken shy my future mom in law had to announce who gave me what to everyone-- then towards the end I was able to do it. My mom and sister got to go, and finally get to see and experience what I have been seeing an experiencing the last 10 years. So it was nice. 

then the second bridal shower, felt more like a bridal shower-- my aunts put together this rustic coffee bar, and they had games and prizes. I definitely felt more at ease-- but ofcourse the gift opening thing ( argh) still uncomfortable... but a lot better! After most people left, my best friend stuck around and my mom in law got to hung out with us and my aunts and grandma. They could just talk forever, so it was nice to see them really getting along. It gives me a lot of good feelings and hope for the wedding.

Anyways... 

I find myself slipping into madness from the to-do list. There are a lot of tiny things, most of it is just ordering crap. Decor, accessories etc. self-care stuff. Like I wanna whiten my teeth and have a little bit of tan ... ( i feel like that’ll look best)  so there is ordering the whitening kit, booking a sunless tan appt. ( apparently you can get different kinds of tans? like with different undertones??? ) -- I am reconfirming at this point with all of our vendors and making sure they are up to speed on what is what, reminding them of things just incase they are lost... since I booked a lot of them half a year ago.

I am pretty much over it all at this point. Yes i’m excited, but now i feel like something like a destination wedding in Switzerland would’ve been better nad just have a party with family later ... or some sort of elopement.... with mountains in the background and a photographer. ??? Like i would’ve preferred something amazing like that at this point instead of this hoop-la. Weddings are no joke. 

but I did buy Mark’s wedding band, and for his gift I got him some cufflinks ( possibly a tie bar) and i am on the fense about getting him these pusheen cat slippers... Or the jumbo pusheen... the difference is $280 but i know he wants the jumbo one really bad ( it’s on the registry LOLL) 

Also... I got a fricken winter cloak with white faux fur lining the edges---  I got the big veil, and shoes ( i am currently decking out with crystals. I will share images when it is finished) it was almost going to be $1k because swarovskis ARE NOT CHEAP. So I got some nice crystals to put on the areas of the shoe that won’t show off as much. They still sparkle like crazy, and then put the in-depth swarovskis on the top of the foot... where it matters most?? 

Then there is the hair... the makeup... knowing what to do. 

my color scheme is moody jewels... so very rich dark jewel tones-- navy, peacock green/blue, burgundy, mulberry, wine, gold/silver, emerald, eggplant etc. so I am going for a half down style ( with the half up part put into a braided bun-- smoething romantic... oh god am I doing Belle?.... ahh i just realikzed.. I guess my hair is basically Belle... less “bun”-y tho, if that makes sense? more subtle) dark makeup. Dark eyes, dark lips. Those always work well on me. “ vampy” colors I guess you could say. I’m excited...but time is going so fast ... i mean--- I’m looking at ordering stuff and some of it wont make it in time. So we are at THAT point. You know you’re close when certain things won’t proejct coming until mid-december. AH. that’s scary... but i’m ready....  OH right AND I’m moving. For the first time in ever-- my entire childhood, everything... so yeah. my life right now is kinda all over the place. I’m hoping to be moved in by next week, and moved in. Atleast have essentials unboxed-- and all my decor making is at an end ( it almost is.. i just need to finish thse wreathes im stupidly making... and making the backdrop) -- 

we’re almost there!! also I miss this place. I miss creative writing and thinking and all of the benefits that come with it. While I am away, I will say-- this place and my writer friends are always somewhere on my mind. I’m scattered and shit, but you are all there! <33 ill get back here and write again. Things ARE ALMOST settled. Life is ALMOST complete. 

[heavyyhearts-blog]

https://byf.tumblr.com/post/163680331020/last-thing-im-posting-about-this-heres-ayas

“if i made it sound like you did similar stuff to every single one of these people it wasn’t my intention. however in the past you have gone in depth about jess, and how she left you “when you needed her most and fucked you up more,” and you have told me winter backed her up when she left you. whether you’re intentionally like this or not, you’ve been toxic and manipulative enough unintentionally that you’ve made multiple people also stressed and hurt. however you’ve had this pointed out to you, that you can be to much, and that you do these things. yet you still do them because “you can’t help it.” i understand fully that bpd fucking sucks, and that it affects your relationships. but if you’ve already had these things pointed out to you, you need to work on them, and you’re not. “

i have been working on them though? the problem is that you literally didn't tell me that i had been the way i had been. and on the issue with jess specifically? how i acted around her was EXTREMELY different to how i acted towards you. how i acted towards jess was, not only several years ago, but a lot more awful. the entire situation was awful, really. we were both like, 13 or 14, somewhere around there. i was approaching a point in my life where i was beginning to have nonstop problems with my abusive parents that made my life even more of a 24/7 suicidal nightmare than it already had been.

on top of the fact that i had began showing many extreme symptoms of bpd. and the thing about it was? i literally did not know what bpd even was. i didnt know there was a reason for how i ended up acting. i felt so horrible and disgusting every single day of my life for the things i had been doing, but i had no way of stopping them. i was 13. i was going through too much. this was also when i started realizing i was trans and dealing with the backlash on that from my parents.

what did i do? i yelled at her constantly and split on her constantly. every single tiny thing she would do wrong, would get me so extremely irrationally pissed off and i couldnt control myself. i literally, could not control myself. i tried so many stupid bullshit plans to make myself stop doing all thse shitty things but none of it worked and itw as too much for her. i would love her so much one minute and then literally hate her and everything she stood for the next and i was so constantly afraid of every tiny little thing just changing my mood over and over again. i was extremely dependant and needy and i had no control over my moods and i had no idea what was happening i had no idea she was my fp or what bpd even was.i was just all around horrible to her with no way of stopping. it was at that point in time where i would need time and separation from her to ever not do those things again.

and im 99% sure i already told you this. again, how i acted towards jess was nothing like how i acted towards you, and how i acted towards her was never inentional either. in that way, ive definitely gotten better, because i have never been as bad as i was with her since.

“ whether you’re intentionally like this or not, you’ve been toxic and manipulative enough unintentionally that you’ve made multiple people also stressed and hurt. however you’ve had this pointed out to you, that you can be to much, and that you do these things. yet you still do them because “you can’t help it.” i understand fully that bpd fucking sucks, and that it affects your relationships. but if you’ve already had these things pointed out to you, you need to work on them, and you’re not. “

i dont even know what this "youve been told you can be toxic and manipulative and havent done anything about it." i? have? listen. i had no idea that i was ever being like how i was with YOU and possibly some others, i dont really remember. it was only when you literally made fun of me with a meme image that i realized i was getting like that at all. back with jess? i was violently, uncontrollably verbally abusive. like, flat out, name-calling shit, that i always felt so horrible for after i would inevitably calm down. like that wasnt being manipulative that was just verbal abuse, not the same thing. and the entire thing about that is, i dont do that anymore. part of when i say i've gotten better about things over the years, is that ive managed to get over that , and that im very luckily not that mentally unstable anymore. and you cant use jess to refer back to this "not getting better thing"

ever since i had been told that i was being manipulative unintentionally , i've tried very hard to not get like that, and, as far as im aware, i've done it a lot less, if at all. like. im working on it? ive even specifically told a lot of people how i had been acting so and that i can be oblivious and to please tell me if i ever get like that because i dont want to be like that. like literally forewarning people, just in case, even though ive already been way more cautious anyway and am pretty sure no ones told me that ive been so because i havent

also just as an example on this one of my friends just now brought up to me how i used to kinda flame them in league/get mad at them a lot and that i was scary like this, and now i dont do this anymore  i dont take my anger out on them like i used to, that was a problem i similarly had with jess before i can @ them if you really want me to. , ive also apologized for this and gotten better about it. i know i fuck up a lot

“ my point in gathering some of the more extreme things you did and posting them is that you were continuing to do things along those lines, albeit maybe not the same explicit things, but still manipulative/bad actions. you didn’t stop any of them until you were already splitting on me for drinking/having friends/etc. “

first of all youre still insisting ive been splitting on you for drinking/having friends or whatever. thats?? not why ive been i already said this?? i've been collectively splitting on you over time because of the nonstop problems we've had over all of these months. like ive literally been splitting because i havent been happy. and all the drinking shit etc/is just things that make it even easier for me to split, like, it's not like that's the sole reason i have been. if it had not been for all of these months of bad shit happening between us, i could probably easily cope with those things given time and conversations, but it doesnt even matter now.

and yes, even after i had been told, i still did some things. because it takes time? to get better? i cant fix myself instantly. like you literally cannot deny that i have gotten better about it. like im still sorry for everything i have done, it can be hard to control at times, that doesnt mean i cant help it

" i wasn’t necessarily calling you out for blocking me, i was putting that down as something you did even after you went around saying it was fucked up. my problem isn’t that you blocked me, its that i stopped doing that, and was ready to communicate, like we both agreed to, and then you went and blocked me out of no where, when you were telling people in a group chat, and probably people privately that i was so fucked up for “just ignoring you for days” i was “ignoring you for days” because i told you that i needed to cut you off and stop talking to you multiple times and you continued to beg and spam me, after i told you to stop. that’s what cutting you off is, and you didn’t respect that. you mentioned “compromising” but i wasn’t okay with that. i was at the point where i wanted you out of my life and you kept pushing, and then made me the bad guy by saying “MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!” i had made up my mind. and you continued to spam and beg me. i’m mentally ill too and you were too stressful for me, and i rarely had the energy that you needed. i explained that to you and you didn’t care. “

i dont know what youre referring to on “ and then made me the bad guy by saying “MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!” “

and i dont really have anything to say to this like. thats something i honestly cant help doing. i know that no matter what i do, it's going to be an "in the moment thing" should the same thing ever happen to me again, and that ill react the same way. people leaving me scares me too much. what i already said to this was that my solution to that problem was to restrict myself from getting too attached to people like i did with you. i got too attached to you. what happens when i get too attached, is i get too comfortable, i lose my filters, i act more impulsively, i do stupid things, and most importantly it would start making me have breakdowns i cant help should they ever leave, which is why i need to stop with having people become my fp. it's too dangerous for both people involved for me to get attached like that and its why ill stop doing that. ive learned that now.

“ the “out of context rant” was to show how you would react to me trying to cut you off. and thinking on it, it wasn’t fucked up for me to try and get you out of my life AGAIN. i was pissed and snapped because you were sitting there telling me i was becoming to reliant on alcohol for coping, when i had always drank. i just didn’t talk about it because you were uncomfortable about it. i could also already feel you becoming distant for that reason and others, and i (also having bpd.) felt shitty because i felt like you didn’t care and were replacing me. i decided that it was best for me to just remove myself from the situation. especially because it would also benefit you in that you didn’t have to deal with me drinking, because that’s not something i’m stopping. i could see that you at that point had other friends, and it was in both of our best interest to just get out of the toxic situation. which you then got mad at me and spammed me for, just like before. “

"which you then got mad at me and spammed me for, just like before. “

um lol as you can clearly see i got mad because you pulled the instant blocking without talking to me thing yet again, for reasons that didnt even make sense, like you said all this shit about "having a perfect image of you in my head" and whatever out of nowhere??? like it made no sense to me and made it seem even more ridiculous to me. as if that pissed off reaction was somehow unprovoked

“ and the problem with you saying “you should have just talked to me about it,” is anytime that i would talk about it you would breakdown and spam and beg me. “

???? what???? are you talking about when you would try to cut me off??? because you "talking about it" is just telling me "im done bye cant do it" then forcefully blocking me. and if youre referring to "talk to me about things im doing wrong," youre lying.

“ this whole paragraph is just. okay. i’m not expecting you to just “not split.” i’m asking you to just say, “hey i fucking hate you, it pisses me off seeing you, i’ve split so much, i can’t be around you, bye. block” “

this is just me being petty and pissed off and not caring enough to tell you given everything that's happened, i still dont care

“the bakugou thing; again it was more of a, this is the kind of shit they do/say. you did “apologize for it” and say that you didn’t care anymore. however you continuously do similar things, where you will push issues that. aren’t your business and that you really don’t need to know. “

yeah if i ever push things like that it's because it seriously bothers me and makes me beyond anxious that i will end up pushing it, because i dont know how else to calm down over it and stop thinking about it for days other than talking about it. even so you still tried to make me look bad by saying "when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid" ???

“ and yeah, you showed a personal confession from me that i said i crave something. that doesn’t mean i do it. it means i have those urges, not that i go through with them. but you got me. “

just trying to make you look bad :3