#anyways props to my friend for responding to the text with ‘idk it’s not my business’ and the. immediately telling me lmao

[idontdrinkgatorade]

i can’t imagine having a crush on someone you hardly know

[edwad]

Have you read Moseley's critique of Heinrich yet? I just got a pdf and am about to sit down for it. I know nothing about the guy so idk what I'm in store for.

started reading it last night and, theoretical content aside, its an unedited mess which reads more like a collection of incoherent notes scrawled around semi-relevant quotations from marx. plenty of typos and redundancies which make the reading a bit of a chore. here's an early example which made me laugh:

anyway, in terms of argument, i tend to think of moseley as a bit of a marxist-fundamentalist, although admittedly a fairly sophisticated one. he knows his marx and how to cite him, but this gets him (and a lot of others) into trouble when it comes to voicing disagreements with heinrich, whose whole riff is that marx is theoretically ambivalent on these questions so finding quotes which seem to suggest one reading isn't enough to justify that reading as the only possible (or even "true") one. moseley also spends a lot of time quote-mining marxs earlier texts from the late 50s and chapter 1 of the 1st edition of v1 in order to make his points, but this skates past heinrich's argument that marx becomes increasingly aware of these problems especially into the 70s, with his revisions demonstrating a deliberate attempt by marx to address some of these issues (although not necessarily ridding himself of these ambivalences and completing the break with political economy). to say that marx said "___" before he had even fully come to terms with the difference between value and exchange-value (which only really consciously happens with the 2nd german edition) isn't necessarily a point in moseley's favor.

admittedly, a big chunk of the text seems to be more dedicated to marx's revisions for the 2nd edition on the basis of the e+v manuscript (which is being translated! see my pinned post), so i suppose he'll come to these things further in to the book, but it's not a strong start by any means. it looks like he's spending a lot of time preparing for that by simply propping up a lazy strawman of heinrich in the typical way which ignores the latter's claims about production AND exchange as co-constitutive of value, as necessary presuppositions themselves, and instead turns it into the stupid cat-and-mouse game of "which one of these moments is where value gets created". it completely misses the point which, granted, has been a constant in their back and forths for years now imo. but i guess it's also worth saying that these two are fairly close (personally, i mean) despite their theoretical differences and this shouldn't be seen as some big feud between rival marx-interpreters. it's just a product of an ongoing discussion between two friends who have been bantering about this like two old men in rocking chairs on a porch for decades. they definitely get frustrated with each other sometimes, but a lot of these discussions have been the result of invitations-to-respond and a shared interest in each others work.

[luving-hanni]

Highway to Heaven

Title:  Highway to Heaven Pairing: Johnny x Female Reader Genre: fluff and smut Warnings: sex, Oral, fore play, etc Word Count: 1.2k Comments: hi ~ it’s been a while and I hope everyone is healthy and safe. 2020 was quite a wild ride, but I’m so proud that you made it <3 This will follow the lyrics of highway to heaven but it in this story, it’s not a kpop song. idk if that makes sense. This was a great idea in my head, but I can’t write so pretend this is better than it is. 

--------------------------------------

Johnny. It’s been nearly five years since you last saw him. He was older than you, but you last saw him your senior year of high school. Somehow, you remained in contact. It was a strange feeling seeing him again. He is a member of a very popular korean boy band you just finished undergraduate. He’s successful, rich and living his best life and you.... well- unemployed and in debt. 

He has really matured, but he was still his playful, cheery Johnny you knew back in high school. For a few months before he flew back to the states for a break, you were constantly chatting with him. There were many sleepless nights due to the time difference, but it was worth it. He quickly became your best friend, but parts of you wanted him to be more than friend.

His plane landed a few hours ago you thought to yourself. There were excited butterflies in your tummy. You were so excited to see him again. You looked down at your phone and saw a text message from him:

Girl, who are you waiting for? You know that you wanna go

hm? You were confused but something about that made you very excited. You texted him back quickly expressing your confusion and he responded quickly. 

Baby, you a bad girl, watch your mouth When I'm with you it's a vibe, baby I can't lie Hit my line, anytime  Girl, I wanna make you mine, spend some time 

He’s always got a way with words, but that last line made you raise an eyebrow. Before you could even respond, he told you to meet him at his hotel. You were surprised he wasn’t jet lagged. Obeying, you got into the car and drove to the hotel. 

[at the hotel] Johnny’s tall frame stood in the door way with the hallway light illuminated him from behind. Although he was in sweats, you could see his toned figured. You sub consciously licked your lips thinking about what was under the clothing.  Johnny must have noticed you sizing him up because his dark eyes filled with lust. He hugged you from behind and whispered into you ear “Tell all your friends that you're busy, they know...They know we got the chemistry.” Shivers raced up your spine. You whispered back to him as you wrapped your arms around his waist “Love how your body feels on me.” 

He flipped you around to be face to face with you. You tilted your head up and he licked his lips and you slowly leaned in for a kiss. Quickly, the kisses became eager and spicer. You knew that many groups had limited time with opposite genders and idols generally could not date. Your tongue fought for dominate but you let him have it. He towers over you anyways. He pulled away away and you let out a little pout and whimper. He said “We'll take the highway to heaven...And I can't wait to love you all alone,” before picking you up and carrying you to the king size bed. You giggled at the last statement “johnny, we are alone... right?” you asked as you scanned the room quickly. Jonny smirked, “for now.”

Johnny was so eager and trying to avoid his luggage that you were too caught up in everything to notice the growing hardness in his sweats. He reached down to grab your wrist to put it on himself. He was big, You slowly began to palm him and he let out some moans and really sounded like he was going to lose it right there. You couldn’t imagine not being able to do it for years.

You straddled him a nd began to roll you hips onto his. You could feel yourself getting wetter by the second. He was trying so hard to be quiet since in the dorms, he had to be quiet, but not any more. After some minutes of this, he was getting frustrated. He quickly got you on the mattress and slipped off your shirt and pants, leaving you only in your undies. Johnny’s eyes were so dark and intense. He was eating you up with his eyes. You signaled to him take off his shirt which revealed a very toned stomach. You blushed and reached up to trace his abs. 

Slowly, you moved his hand lower and lower. Johnny was getting very impatient. You slide down his bottoms and his length sprang free. Precum leaked from the angry red tip. You looked up and your eyes asked for permission to continue, but he just thrusted into you face. You opened wide and relaxed your jaw to engulphed as much as him as possible. Only a few bobs later, his warm juices ran down the back of your throat. You never thought in a million years that this would be happening with Johnny, especially not the first time seeing him in years, but you were not complaining.

As your throat was filling, his face scrunched with the intense pleasure. It’s not over yet. Johnny pulled something from the night stand and winked. He propped himself up after fully regaining his composure. He slipped off what was remaining and attached his mouth to your boob. You let out a sharp breath and a moan. “So responsive baby.” You checks tickled pink. His hands slipped into your wetness and you felt him become very confident with himself. With circle, he earned a moan from you. “Where are we going?” He demanded as he rubbed faster. “hea-he-heaven” you chocked out. He wasn’t happy with that answer so his other hand grabbed a boobie. “No. That is not where daddy is taking you,” and you struggled to complete a thought. “hig--highwa-y to... hea-heave,” you got out as he added a finger which hit your sensitive spot. You threw your head back. Johnny was very proud of the response he got from just his fingers. “and who am I?” he smirked as he pulled away. Shocked, you looked at him “...daddy.” you said with a lustful face. “please fuck me.” Johnny nodded as rolled on the rubber and lined himself up.

His size still surprised you even though it was just in your mouth moments ago. A softness came over his face “are you sure? let me know if it hurts. I’m sorry we moved really fast...” he drifted off. You wetness was feeling empty “it’s okay, but please hurry.” He didn’t need to be told twice. “to heaven” he said as he pushed into you. The fullness to follow felt amazing. He seemed to fit perfectly as you let you a satisficed gasped. ”So frickin tight, Taking me so well.” After a moment of adjusting to the stretch, he began to move his hips. He added a finger to your clit which caused your eyes to roll back. He was very close. Johnny’s pace began quicker and sloppier. “dadd..dy I’m so.. cl-lose.” you got out. His forehead glowed with a slight line of sweat. 

The knot in your stomach was growing and you needed to release soon. He was frantically trying to chase his own high. He felt you clench around his length which allowed loud moans to slip his lips and that triggered your release. You saw stars. He still tried to to keep his pace to ride out the high, but he was such a mess. 

After regaining yourself, he flopped down next to you catching his breath. “I missed you.” He said as he gently kissed your forehead. Still nakey, you cuddled in closer, “let’s take the highway again.”

[sukirichi]

— LOVE LETTER FROM ANON ; 💌

this is from an ask i received. i copy pasted and replied here as a text post since i can’t put “read more” on anon asks and it’s quite long hehehe. to the anon who sent me this, i give you loads of my love, thank you so much for everything !!

[ the ask ]

hi lovely,

i just read earned it and i have a couple things i’d like to say to you if you don’t mind. before i start, i completely understand if you don’t want to share this ask or even read at all which is fair. but if you do decide to read it, i know that one person such as me cannot change the decisions a writer had made such as discontinuing a series but i hope that this allows you some sense of peace or happiness towards your creation and end of earned it. i’m actually writing this is my notes before i send it to you so that’s how you know i truly mean it. buckle up baby!

i’d like to start with this; i just read and finished all the remaining chapters of earned it. i don’t know how to say this without sounding arrogant or cocky which truly isn’t my intention here, i promise so i’ll just say it as is. i swear to ever loving god, i’ve scoured the entirety of tumblr, ao3, fanfiction.net, wattpad, everything and anything, and it still isn’t very often that i find works like these, far and few between dare i say. ive looked through almost everything i could get my hands on to read in the jjk fandom and dear god, do you manage to keep on surprising me. i’ve read majority if not all your works along with following you on ao3 and tumblr, and i must say. i truly am so fucking impressed. completely and absolutely fucking floored if you will. the amount of plot twists and pure emotion you managed to put into this is only something i can dream of ever creating.

i cannot lie, it truly my hearts to think that people gave you so much shit over this to which ended in you deciding to discontinue along with your lack of interest which at least, is understandable unlike the hate. i literally cannot comprehend how people would be unhappy with the outcome so far after reading it since it was beyond fucking magnificent in my eyes. it kept me on my toes the entire time whilst never managing to bore me once and as someone with adhd, thats fucking hard to do, i’ll admit it. props to you. and as much as i want to grovel and beg for crumbs, something, anything to know about how it ends, i know that that will most likely accomplish nothing to both you and i so decided to just say this.

thank you for writing this. thank you for not only writing it but dealing with the experience of unwanted and negative criticism to the point you had to stop and discontinue it whilst also being generous and amazing enough to keep it up so other people could still read it. i really hope your proud of earned it and how it turned out so far, because if i were you, i’d be so bloody fucking proud i wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

my friends often tell me i overstep my boundaries and i really hope i aren’t doing that with this but i just really, truly, wanted to express my genuine appreciation and thanks towards your writing and towards you as a writer that puts out content, not to mention for free!!!!, for people like me. i also don’t want to seem as if i’m glorifying earned above all your other works, because that’s not what i mean. your writing is just… just fucking chefs kiss. sorry, my brains starting to run out of words at this point but oh my god. thank you for letting me experience the experience of earned it even though there was no proper end. i’d rather have that than nothing at all. and maybe i misread this entire thing, maybe you are goddamn proud of your work, which you fuckinf should be considering the pure quality it is. once again, chefs kiss!!

i just… i don’t know what to say anymore. your writing, quite literally, has made me completely fucking breathless in a good way of course. anyways, i hope this wasn’t too much of a ramble and at least managed to make you smile or something. have a lovely day sweetheart!!!! <333 :*)

OMG ANON PLS FORGIVE ME IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME DAYS TO RESPOND TO, I DIDN’T WANT TO GIVE YOU A HALF ASSED RESPONSE SO I WAITED TO GET MY MENTAL ENERGY BACK TO A HUNDRED PERCENT SO I CAN SEND BACK MORE LOVE TO YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY !! FIRST OF ALL UHM… 

you really made me speechless with this one, you have no idea. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve reread this and teared up a little bit because you know… I’m so shocked like I really have no idea what I did to receive such a sweet message because I’m just writing silly fanfics when I’m feeling it yknow? Or at least that’s what it seems like because it turns out I have a huge impact on others and I’m able to make people happy like I’ll never EVER get used to that feeling and I mean that in a good way !! Like I’m in a constant state of disbelief that people are this affected by my content and I’m just… 

I’m so thankful truly PLEASE can I give you a hug I’m so happy sobs sobs sobs

also baby, thank you sm for this again AAAAHH. I’m not sure if you really mean ‘Earned It’ the mafia! gojo series or ‘Reckless’ the CEO gojo series though ?? Both are discontinued but Earned It was discontinued bcos my dumbass killed Naoya there and he was my favorite so I lost the motivation and it was all my fault SOBBSSS. as for Reckless though, yeah I’d say it was mostly the hate I got for it that demotivated me into continuing it :// but if this ask is meant for Earned It, then yes thank you so much for the kind words as well, though I didn’t really receive hate for it so no worries !!

and aaah anon im…I’m at a loss for words lmao but the part where you said where you would be proud if you wrote it, that’s really…LIKE IDK it just hit me bcos oftentimes I look at something I poured my heart into, but then I’d have days where I’d be like YIKES that wasn’t a good one. its so easy to forget the effort we put into something when we’re affected by external factors. and yeah even though I really don’t want to continue either series anymore, thank you for leaving me the important note of being proud of myself <33 

although the series (earned it) wasn’t really something I’d properly executed and planned for, I do remember being passionate over it and feeling truly excited to update. even if it didn’t end out the way I wanted it to, it’s still something I poured my heart on and that’s magnificent on its own, so I’ll be prouder of myself from now on <33

no worries bb you are not overstepping any boundaries at all !! believe me when I say this ask truly do means a lot to me – more than you’ll ever know. messages like these are what keeps me going, as feedback is important to writers, but most of all it’s the genuine support and sincerity that gets to me. 

I’m truly humbled and grateful right now. thank you for this again and again and again.

THIS MADE ME MORE THAN SMILE !! there’s a lot of things I’m struggling with even if I don’t publicly express it, but messages like these will always have a special place in my heart. I’m sincerely grateful for everything, and I’ll continue writing here and sharing my works!! It’s supportive people like you that make these moments worthwhile. I’ll never forget this message anon AAAAH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THANK YOU THANK YOU YOU HAVE AN EVEN BETTER DAY OR NIGHT, you have me weak in the knees for this

OKAY BRB SOBBING IN HAPPINESS

[ms-rampage]

Eden's Gate: Left Behind Chapter 5 - Flying & Bruise

Warnings: Swearing, slight bullying

Word count 2.1k

Idk if John is out of character anymore 😂🤣😂, Holly being a cunt. Majority of the locations mention are ones I created for this series because #HeacanonShit 🤣😂🤣.

_______________________________________

The next morning Kate wakes to the sound of her alarm screaming into her ear.

She slams her hand down onto her phone, shutting it off.

Groaning, forcing herself to sit up. Realizing she had slept in the clothes she wore the night before. 

She gets up, not bothering to take a shower, washes up and changes into some cleaner, and more comfortable clothing for work. Her 8am shift until 5pm.

She remembers she has her date with John later that day.

She goes to the kitchen, makes some coffee, feeds Haley.

Her phone vibrates, she checks it, she gets a message from Sarah. 

A few photos from the night before of all of them around the fire.

She had a great time, it was great meeting new people, and making new friends. 

She eats, and takes her coffee on the go.

*****************************************************

10 minutes later, she pulls into the parking lot of the diner, exits her car, and goes through the employee entrance.

15 minutes until her shift starts, she chills in the breakroom until she starts her shift. 

Closing her eyes for a bit

The sound of the break room door opening, makes her open her eyes.

Morgan steps in, and sees her.

“Hey” she says.

“Hey” Kate responds. 

“Great time last night huh?” Morgan asks.

She stretches her arms out, and says “Yeah, I had a great time”.

“You know that guy Wheaty? That one that was sitting next to you?”

“I’m pretty sure he likes you”.

“Wheaty?! The native guy?” Kate asks.

“Yeah, I’m 100% he likes you” she says.

Kate shrugs, and gives it a thought “Well yeah, I kind of suspected that, because of how he was acting towards me. He’s really nice, him and I have a lot in common. So I can see that”.

“But?!?” Morgan asks.

“But what?!” Kate asks, confused.

“You two should get together. I know you and John have something going on, and you have your date later. But you should give Wheaty a chance” she says, giving her friend some advice. 

“I’ll think about it. Part of me does feel like John might be playing me. But I’ll keep Wheaty in mind” she says, followed by a smile. 

“You should” she replies, with a smile. 

They leave the room, and start their shift.

*********************************************

John gets a visit by not Joseph, but his elder brother Jacob.

Working on paperwork, his voice echoes throughout the ranch house.

“John!!” he says, which makes him jump a little. 

He looks up from his work, and sees his older brother standing in the doorway of his office.

“Joseph, told me about some woman you’re seeing” he says, his voice, and posture not really interested in having this conversation, but feels forced to have it.

“Yes, I’m seeing her later today” he responds. 

“And you think, with everything that is going on that this would be a good idea?!” he asks, still not really interested in having this conversation. 

He shrugs, and says “Joseph said, for me to make her a part of our family, for me to make her my wife, and to prepare for the New World”.

“Are you sure she’s your other half? Are you sure that Joseph knows that God wants her here?” 

John sighs, starting to have second thoughts about all of this. Looking down at his papers.  

“He told me that God has plans for me and her” he responds, “He doesn’t want me to let her slip away, or to scare her off”.

Jacob scoffs and says, “If she gets scared off, that means she’s weak”.

John looks up at his older brother, and says “I’m 100% sure, she’s not weak. She looks like she can hold herself very well”.

Jacob stands there looking at his younger brother, “I hope for your sake. Your right”.

Confused, he asks “What’s that supposed to mean?!”.

“If she turns out not to be as strong as you think she is. I would hate to step in, and do my thing” he says.

John rolls his eyes, and slowly stands up from his seat. Leaning in front of his desk.

“You know, I won’t let you do that” he says, in a defensive manner.

Jacob finds it cute that his little brother is trying to be tough with him.

He takes a few steps closer to John. “The weak have their purpose. I know that, you know that, and Joseph knows that”. 

With that said, he leaves the room. Leaving John with his thoughts.

All of his thoughts are all about Kate. That’s all he thinks about. All day, everyday it's always Kate. 

He goes outside to his airfield, his plane “Affirmation” the black AdjudiCor FBW. 

He’s sure Kate will be impressed with this. 

*************************************************

Kate, Morgan and Alissa are bussing tables, taking orders and giving customers their orders.

Clearly Saturdays are very busy for the diner.

Holly being a typical bitch to them, and acting fake in front of customers.

She already lashed out at Alissa for something stupid, and was out of her control, she was gonna say something to Morgan about not refilling the coffee maker because she was taking a customers order, but Morgan just gave her a dirty look as a reminder not to fuck with her.

She was being somewhat rude towards Kate, she’s been acting like that ever since John flirted with her, and Kate who doesn’t like to start problems let's slide for now.

Holly intentionally got in her way, “accidentally” making her trip, drop plates, and breaking a few of them. Embarrassing her in front of the customers. 

She even thought about walking out, and quitting but bit her tongue because there were no other jobs in the area that’ll pay the wages of a college student.  

As Kate’s clearing off a table, Holly “accidentally” knocks over a bottle of ketchup, and Kate doesn't see it because of the bin of dishes blocking her view to look down, and desperately wants to get the heavy container of dishes to the kitchen. 

She steps on the plastic bottle, slips forward, falling to one knee. She hears a crack as she falls. 

Holly in a sarcastic, fake voice says “Be care Kate”.

Morgan, who witnessed it from the kitchen, storms out but before she could lash out at Holly.

Kate was already in her face. 

“Are you fucking seriously Holly?!?!?” Kate yells. “You could’ve fucking injuried me!!!”.

Playing dumb and victim, Holly says “I didn’t do anything!!”.

“Bullshit!!!” Morgan yells at her. “I saw what you did. You knocked over the ketchup bottle. To make Kate trip”.

Still playing dumb, and playing victim, she says “Even if I did it wasn’t intentional. I accidentally knocked it over, and didn’t realize it”.

Everyone in the diner is watching all of this unfold. A packed house watching two waitresses argue with their supervisor because she tried to do harm to the other. 

“Horseshit!!. You’ve been acting like a bitch to me all week, and that shit better fucking stop now!!” Kate snaps. “Normally I would walk out, and quit. But I ain’t giving you the satisfaction that you made me quit. And if you try to get me fired, you’ll be in deep shit trouble”.

Holly should be lucky it’s Kate Winchester she’s dealing with, and not Paige Winchester because it won’t end well for her.

Their manager walks in, and hears the commotion.

He takes Holly to his office, and for about 40 minutes it was peaceful without Holly flapping her lips every 5 seconds.

He calls Kate, and Morgan into his office, and they explain what happened.

Everything gets settled, no one gets fired, but Holly gets sent home early, and gets suspended for a week without pay, and will have her working schedule changed so she’s not working with Morgan, and Kate.

They go on their break not long after, chilling in their usual spot in the quad.

“Dude, I was seriously about to walk out, and quit” Morgan explains.

Kate nods, and says “Yeah me too. But I need this job. There aren’t any other jobs in the area, that’ll cover student loans”.

“Yeah, I know. At least we won’t have to work with her anymore” Kate adds.

Kate starts to have a pain in her right knee, clenching it.

“You okay?!” Morgan asks. 

She nods, “Yeah, I think I bruised my knee when I slipped”.

“Workers compensation?” she asks, in a joking manner.

“Probably” she replies, with a soft laugh.

After their break Kate goes to her manager, and tells him the pain in her knee. 

She gets sent home earlier. When she arrives home, she takes her pants off, and sees the developing bruise on her knee cap. 

“Ahh shit” she groans, “Fuck you Holly”.

***************************************************

A few hours later, John arrives at the diner. Morgan sees him, and immediately texts Kate. 

He walks in, and sits at the counter. He sees Morgan, asks her. 

“Is Kate still here?!”.

She turns to face, and says “She had an accident, she went home early”.

His eyes wided, “What happened?!?” worry in his voice. 

She hesitates to tell him, but does anyway “One of our employees tried to do her harm”.

*****************************************************

At Kate’s house she’s resting on her chair, her leg propped up on her coffee table.

Her phone vibrates, and gets a message from Morgan saying.

“Your 1st “boyfriend” John is here” - Morgan 

She replies back, saying “Tell him what happened, give him my number, and address”.

**************************************************************

Back at the diner, Morgan gets Kate’s message, and she passes her info to John.

Giving him Kate’s phone number, and address. Of course he already knew her address, but he still takes it anyway. 

He drives to her house, she hears a car in her driveway, and sees John approach the house from between the gaps of the curtains. 

He knocks at the door, Haley barks at this. She gets up, limping towards the door, and opens it. Meeting those blues eyes once again, making her breathe go away for a second.

“Hey, are you okay?!?” he asks, looking worried.

She snaps out of her trance, “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I just had an accident at work”.

“It was Holly wasn’t it?!” he asks. Already knowing it was her.

She nods her head hesitantly, “Yeah”.

He takes a deep breath, trying not to get upset.

“You still wanna go?” he asks.

She had almost forgotten, she had a date with him. 

“Oh yeah. I still wanna go” she responds.

They get into his car, and drive to his ranch house.

Pulling into the huge driveway, Kate is amazed and impressed with the huge house, the property and everything about it.

They come to a stop outside the house. “Follow me” he says, getting out of the car.

She follows behind, still limping. He stops at one point waiting for her to catch up.

They get to the hanger, and she sees his plane. 

Her eyes widened, “Wow” is all she can say.

He looks over at her to see her reaction 

“Let’s go” he says enthusiastically. They walk closer to the plane, and he helps her in. 

“Accidentally” grabbing her butt. She sits in the back, in the seat behind where John would be sitting operating the plane.

He gets in, closing the clear door above him, starts it up.

The vibration jumpscares her, and she feels a mixture of emotions run through her.

She knows if Paige were there, she’d be panicking.

“Here we go” he says, moving forward. The second the plane flies up into the sky.

Everything changes, she feels calm. Everything looks beautiful, the mountains, the town, everything. Even the giant YES sign that she doesn't understand is there.

Holy shit!!” she exclaims, excited. 

“Great view?!” he asks.

“Very great view!!” she says, with a huge smile on her face. 

They’re up in the sky for an hour, flying over all of Hope County.

Kate is amused, and in shock at how beautiful the scenery of the town is.

He’s about to land the plane on the same airfield.

“Coming in for a landing” he says. The plane lands on the airfield, still moving forward.

He pulls into the hanger, and shuts off the plane.

He helps her out, holding her around his arms until both her feet are on the ground. 

“So? How did you like it?” he asks, his hand on her lower back.

Speechless, “That. That was amazing. I-I loved it!!” she says, with a huge smile. 

They’re facing each other, “Would you like to do it again?” he asks.

“Yeah, absolutely” she responds. 

Both his hands on her waist, slowly pulling her closer.

“Holy shit is he gonna kiss me?!?!” she thinks to herself, “Holy shit he is!!!”.

His left hand goes up to her cheek, cupping it. 

“Yep, he’s gonna kiss me!!” she thinks again. 

Then he pulls her closer, and their lips connect. Her hands on his shoulders.

His lips are soft, gentle and very intoxicating.

[little-bit-of-cinnamon]

Brave Enough (to Break Your Own Heart) - Chapter 2

Jack reaches out to Davey a few days after the party 

Masterpost

Jack returned from his art history class with a headache like he’d never had before. He wasn’t hungover, he hadn’t been drinking since Saturday at the party. The party where he met David. David, who he hasn’t stopped thinking about but also hasn’t texted.

He was probably just stressed. He would tell himself he was stressed about school, about the essay he had to write by Friday and by the sketches he needed to finish, but he knew deep down that wasn’t the case.

He was stressed about himself, his life. His identity.

He wasn’t straight and it was terrifying.

And constantly thinking about a guy he hooked up with isn’t helping his fear, his worries.

But ignoring it wouldn’t help either. Quickly, before he could stop himself, he opened his texts to David.

Jack: are you doing anything right now?

David: Not until my class at 2:00? What’s up?

Jack didn’t know the answer to that seemingly simple question. He wanted to see David, obviously, but he didn’t want his friends to know who he was with and therefore why they were together. He didn’t want to go out somewhere because it would be a date and that definitely wasn’t what he was looking for.

Jack: oh god i dont even know im sorry. im just stressed and i wanna figure shit out but idk how

David: Can I help with anything?

Jack: i wanted to see you i guess

David: Okay, do you still want to?

The fact that David was being so understanding wasn’t helping Jack’s guilt. His guilt that he wanted to see David but not be seen with David. Jack: yeah.

David: And I’m free so what’s the problem?

David: Are you afraid of your friends knowing and asking questions?

Jack: it sounds bad

David: Nobody’s blaming you.

David: I’m in a single, do you want to come over?

Jack: yes please

Jack didn’t feel good about wanting to hide but he would feel even worse about seeing his friends while he was with David and having to either tell them or get caught in a lie if he chose to hide the truth.

David sent his room number and Jack didn’t hesitate in leaving his room to go to David’s, thankful that Crutchie was still in class and therefore unable to ask where he was going. The walk was short, leaving Jack without enough time to overthink his actions, thank God. He knew that he would find far too many flaws in his situation if he took the time to mull it over.

He did, however, pause outside David’s door for a while before he could bring himself to knock. He just stood there, staring at the fall-themed name card on his door, no doubt put there by his RA.

Maybe he should just go, he thought. David was out and secure in his identity, he shouldn’t be burdened by Jack’s identity or lack thereof.

But, still, David was the one who invited Jack over, the one who asks questions and supports Jack.

He knocked.

David opened the door with a smile kind enough to knock any hesitant thoughts from Jack’s head. “Hey, Jack.” David stepped aside, allowing Jack to enter before shutting the door behind him.

Jack wasn’t expecting to make it this far and he didn’t know how to proceed. He lingered in the center of David’s tiny dorm room, just standing there. He didn’t know where to sit, what to say. It wasn’t often that Jack was left with no words on his tongue.

It seems like David realized Jack’s hesitation because he guided Jack by the shoulder as he walked to his bed. They sat against the wall, treating the bed like a couch, as you must in a dorm with minimal furniture. Their shoulders were touching but Jack wanted more contact, he just didn’t know what was allowed.

He realized he still hadn’t spoken.

“Hey.” It came out quieter than he was expecting.

“What are you thinking?” David asked.

Jack knocked his head back against the wall, exasperated. He wanted to say he didn’t know again, it felt like the most convenient answer.

“Too much,” he answered.

David didn’t respond, instead opting to take Jack’s hand in support and hopes he’ll continue, elaborate.

“I’m frustrated,” Jack continued.

“About what?”

“That I have to deal with this bullshit. Not you, obviously. You aren’t bullshit. But like, two weeks ago I wouldn’t have even thought about not being straight. But now, now I have to like figure myself out and I got all this emotion and whatever and I can't just get rid of it.” Jack moved his other hand to their joined hands, fidgeting with David’s fingers as he spoke.

“What happened two weeks ago?” asked David, tone steady. Jack was almost annoyed by how collected he was while he himself could barely string a sentence together.

“I kissed some guy at a party. That’s the stupid shit I do when I get drunk that I was talking about.”

“So you mean to tell me that I’m not your big sexual awakening? What a scam.” David joked, knocking their shoulders together playfully.

Jack rolled his eyes. “Trust me I was a lot less drunk with you and I did a whole lot more with you. You can take credit for the crisis.”

“Good, something for me to be proud of.” David paused for a few beats before he continued speaking. “What do you need now?”

Jack knew he should say something along the lines of “talking it out” or “dealing with his emotions” or whatever, but that wouldn’t be the truth.

“I could go for a distraction.”

“I can help with that.”

Jack turned his head toward David to kiss him, hesitantly at first, this being the first time he’s kissed a guy with no alcohol in his system. It didn’t take long for him to warm up to the idea, though, and soon he was turned so he was sitting on his knees in order to face David completely. David’s hand moved to Jack’s hair and Jack would do anything to not have to admit how much he liked it. His mouth dropped open as David gave a slight tug. He opened his eyes to look at David and he had no right looking that sexy, smirking knowingly with his fingers still clutching Jack’s hair.

“Yeah, a distraction was definitely the right move,” Jack said through a smile.

David put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and pressed him down, onto the mattress.

Things moved much slower this time. The added conversation and the vastly different environment striped them of the fast paced urgency from the party. Once Jack was flat on the bed David opted to lie next to him rather than on top of him, leaving the heat to build slowly, rising with their heartbeats.

Jack couldn’t tell you how long they stayed like that; lying on David’s bed, making out and constantly pulling each other closer until they needed to break away to breathe. Could be minutes, could be hours, it made no difference to him.

At some point Jack ended up flat against the mattress, not turned to face David, and David was hovering over him. He wasn’t quite on top of him, his shoulders turned to Jack while his legs stayed by his side. It was at this point where things started to escalate, but also this point where David pushed Jack back slightly, Jack attempted to chase David’s lips back up, not wanting to break the kiss but he was unable to. David’s hand on Jack’s chest kept him in his place.

He wasn’t actually holding him back but Jack got the hint. He let his head fall back against the pillow and he pressed his eyes shut.

“You really like stoppin’ us, huh Davey?” Jack tried to not sound too frustrated.

“Again, it’s not that I want to stop but we have to. I told you I have class at 2:00.”

“Skip it.”

David laughed but Jack wasn’t joking.

Jack pulled David back to him with an arm around his shoulders and David gave in for a little while. Jack tried to pick up where they left off, sitting up a little from the bed in order to get even closer to David and catching his bottom lip in a quick teasing bite. The sound David made suggested that he would rather stay with Jack than go to class but he broke the kiss once again, anyway.

“I really have to go.” David stood up and adjusted his clothes, his shirt was askew from Jack tugging at it and his pants were uncomfortable for an entirely different reason.

“Come on, Davey.” Jack was lying back and propping himself up on his elbows. David glanced back at Jack but quickly turned away again, moving toward his wardrobe to get a jacket.

“No, you have to stop sounding so desperate and looking so hot because then I’d actually stay.”

“Well good, that’s what I’m aiming for.” Jack countered.

“I’m gonna be late.” David walked to his door but turned back to Jack. “You can go or you can stay, it’s up to you. Class ends at 3:30.”

And then he was gone, leaving Jack alone and wanting on his bed. Jack wanted to stay, to be there when David got back, but he couldn’t. It was too intimate.

He checked his texts and refreshed Instagram, killing time while he gained some composure. Eventually, he stood and gathered his things and left David’s room. He sent David a text as a formality but it felt like it was too much. Too much like they were together instead of hooking up. He put his phone on silent and began the walk back to his own room.

[gaylotusthatexists]

Flightless - Chapter Seven

Fandom: Sanders Sides 

Pairings: Eventual Moxiety, Platonic Prinxiety

Word Count: 2260

Notes: hey, i am so so sorry for the long wait for this chapter. life has been hectic with school and the month of december and exams and stuff, and also some other projects that i'm working on for y'all, but here is a chapter of flightless whilst i have the time (kinda) and motivation to write this. hopefully the next chapter shouldn't take too long haha. hope y'all enjoy :)

Tag List: @xx-fandom-potato-xx @trash-can-so-do-i @bunny222 @phantomofthesanderssides @everythings-coming-up-aces @unknownanonymousgirl @tinkslittlebelle @jani-bunny54 @noahlovescoffee @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @unicorndragon1-2-3 @ab-artist @journalanxiety @applecantbebothered @quietwords-loudthoughts @honeysucklingz

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Virgil leant back, with his foot propped up against the wall. He knew that Logan hadn't gotten home yet, since he had already flown up himself to see. So instead, Virgil had decided to stay down in the lobby for a while until Logan returned, which shouldn't be too long, hopefully. At the very least, it was entertaining to watch people walk around the lobby. People watching had always been one of Virgil's favourite past times.

A man with wings almost identical to Virgil's walked up to the desk at the front. Huge, beautiful white wings - looking at the man, he could almost see the appeal to those kind of wings. And, looking a little closer, Virgil could swear he saw hints of red around the feathers. Interesting - perhaps that dye-offer that Talyn had given to him didn't sound that bad.

But the longer Virgil stared at the man, the more he realised that things were not going well.

"Look, I-"

"I'm telling you, it's not dangerous at all," the woman behind the desk said, sounding almost exasperated. "If you want, we can get somebody to escort you round?"

"I don't need escorting!" the man exclaimed. "I need another way to get up there!"

"Look, sir, there's nothing we can do."

"Surely there's something-"

The woman just shook her head. "I'm really sor-"

"Don't apologise to me! Just fix the goddamn problem!"

There was silence for a moment. Everybody else in the lobby had set their attention on the two. Virgil couldn't help but wonder what the problem had been in the first place.

"Sir, if you're not going to be cooperative, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the woman finally said.

The man just stared at her in disbelief. "All of my things are up there. All my equipment, clothing, everything. Can you not even move me to another room?"

"That was the only room available, we've told you-"

"Do you even know who I-"

"Sir," she snapped, "please leave the building."

Completely silence fell upon the room. It was as if the entire world had just paused, stopped at that moment, like it was going to end then and there. Virgil held his breath. Until the man turned and left, and everything went back to normal.

His phone buzzed in his hands - a message from Logan.

16:49 Logan: I've arrived at home.

Virgil glanced over at the stairs, and then out the door. He couldn't help but feel as if something was wrong. As if that man had needed help. As if Virgil needed to help him. Part of him just wanted to follow him out there and see if he was alright, if Virgil could help him. He had obviously had a problem, possibly something to do with flying, which Virgil knew all about. And the woman behind the desk hadn't attempted to help him in any way...

Then again, feeling as if something was wrong was just Virgil's constant state of being. Maybe the man would be fine and Virgil was just overreacting.

Unless...

16:52 Me: something happened down here, some dude got into some trouble or something, going to check if he is ok

Virgil put his phone back in his pocket and exited the building, looking around for any signs of that mysterious man. His phone buzzed again, but he ignored it, instead shooting up into the air and down the street. It didn't take him long to spot a familiar pair of white wings. The man had sat on a bench on the side of the street, his head in his hands.

"Hey," Virgil said, floating down to the floor. "You okay, dude?"

The man looked up and scowled. "What do you want? An autograph? Is it that hard to leave a guy alone?"

Virgil frowned, taken aback by his reaction. "Uh... I..." He cleared his throat. "I saw you back at the apartment block. Thought you, uh, might need some help, or something."

The man just stared at him. "So... you don't... you don't know who I am?"

Virgil blinked. "I've never seen you before today."

He let out a sigh. "You know, I've only come across one other person who hasn't recognised me."

"...okay?" Virgil looked him up and down - nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that sprung to mind. "What's your name?"

"Roman. And yours?"

"Virgil."

"Virgil," Roman repeated, smiling. "Hey, Virgil was the name of some Roman poet. Isn't that neat?"

Virgil blew a huff of air out his nose in what could loosely be described as a laugh. "Yeah, I guess that makes us basically soulmates."

Roman let out a hearty laugh. "Platonic soulmates, of course. Unfortunately, my heart belongs to another man."

"Oh really?" Virgil smirked. "And who might that be?"

Roman hesitated. "Well, uh, I'm not quite sure yet, but once I see him, I'll know."

Virgil sat down next to Roman, bringing his feet up onto the bench. "What, so you believe in love at first sight?"

"Of course." He smiled. "Why would you not?"

"I don't know. Maybe because love isn't that simple."

"Who said it was simple?"

"If you fall in love with someone after just meeting them, you're not in love." Virgil looked over at Roman. "You don't know the person well enough to understand your feelings. You have to... get to know them. Let it all happen naturally."

Roman hummed. "That sounds boring, though."

Virgil shrugged. "Can't argue with that. People are hard." He set his feet back down on the ground. "Anyway, I came here to see if you needed help."

Roman groaned. "Look, what happened back there was not my fault. I specifically told the management there that I needed a room with access from the stairs."

"Why? Surely with those amazing wings-"

"I'm not the best flyer," he interrupted, "and you'd better not tell anybody that." He sighed. "I just... What would they do if that exact same situation happened to a person without wings?"

"They'd probably kick that person out," Virgil said, without even thinking. "I mean, in my experience-" He caught himself before continuing, realising what he was about to say. "-from, uh, watching other people, the guys in that place are always giving wingless people dirty looks, and stuff. It sucks, y'know?"

"Ha, tell me about it." His eyes widened. "I-I mean, it does suck. Like, those people have done nothing to deserve that."

Virgil tried to shake away the feeling that Roman was hiding something, instead plastering a smile onto his face. "Glad we can agree. But, uh, we should probably tried to fix this problem of yours."

Roman took a deep breath in, and let a deep breath out. "How? I can't just walk back in there. And I can't explain it, either. If they- If they find out why I can't fly up there, my whole career could be ruined." He locked eyes with Virgil. "If anyone finds out that I'm-" he brought his voice down to a whisper- "not the best flyer, I'm basically dead."

"Okay, drama queen, we'll figure out a way to get you a room without letting out your biggest secret."

Virgil wondered for a moment why he was helping this stranger - having to get him up to the apartment without letting the secret get out seemed like a lot of work, which Virgil wasn't particularly keen on, and he still had no idea why it was so important that people don't know that this man couldn't fly well. Then again, when the two had first spoke Roman had seemed to act as if he was famous, or something. Like a lot of people knew who he was. And Virgil wouldn't have been surprised if his wings had something to do with the fame, since Roman cared so much about them. Whatever the case, he didn't want to let this man down, and Virgil had no idea why he felt that way.

Virgil took his phone out of his pocket, noticing that he had received a fair amount of messages from Logan.

16:53 Logan: What do you mean? What happened?

16:54 Logan: I just saw you leave the building. Please message me to let me know if you're okay.

17:05 Logan: It's been over ten minutes and you still haven't responded, are you okay?

17:06 Logan: Wait, I just heard that there was some problem with some singer down in the lobby, is that anything to do with what's happening?

Virgil glanced up at the time - 17:24. Logan hadn't sent him anymore texts.

Roman leant over Virgil's shoulder. "Who's that?"

Virgil jerked his phone away. "A friend. He lives in the apartment block that you were just in."

"A friend, huh?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

"Yes!" Virgil exclaimed. "A friend! Nothing more!"

Roman looked almost disappointed. "Well, if he's just a friend, why were you in the lobby?"

"I was waiting for him to get home. To visit him. Y'know, like friends do." He began to type out a response.

"And why are you texting him now when we should be figuring out how to get me into my apartment?"

Virgil pressed 'send'. "To see if he can help."

17:26 Virgil: hey lo. idk if it's that singer guy you were talking about but he needs helps. any chance i could bring him back to your apartment?

Roman skimmed through the message. "You think this guy can help?"

Virgil shrugged. "He's dedicated his entire life to helping people who, uh, 'aren't the best flyers', I guess. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to help."

His phone bleeped, signalling a reply from Logan.

17:27 Logan: I suppose I can see what I can do. Feel free to bring him up.

"And look at that, he said yes. Let's go." Virgil stood up and lifted himself into the air, beginning to make his way down the street. Roman looked up at him, helplessly.

"Hey, uh, Virgil?" he called. "Remember how I said that I 'wasn't the best flyer'? And how you said this guy 'helps out people who aren't the best flyers'?"

Virgil turned around. "Oh, right, uh..." He held out his hand. "Here, I'll help you."

Roman frowned. "You'll... what?"

"Take my hand and I'll help you fly up there."

"Why are we flying there?" he asked. "Can't we just walk?"

"I'd rather not risk walking into the lobby with you and getting kicked out again. We can reach my friend's apartment without walking through the building."

"But I can't fly."

"You can if you're holding my hand."

"What if you drop me? What if I'm too heavy?"

Virgil sighed, and landed on the pavement. "Look, I was the best flyer in class at school. I'm the best flyer in my family, in my friend group, even in my university class now. I'm training to do search and rescue in the airforce, which literally requires helping people who struggle to fly by helping them to fly to get out of danger, which is basically what I'm offering to do now. So-" he held out his hand- "do you trust me?"

Roman took in a deep breath, clearly still unsure, but took his hand anyway. "Okay. Off we go?"

Virgil smirked, and shot into the air, dragging Roman along behind them. They soon came high enough to feel the cool wind against their faces, to feel the breeze stroking through their hair, through their wings as they surged forward. Glancing over at Roman, Virgil noticed that he was smiling, laughing with glee. Maybe Roman had never experienced this before. Maybe he couldn't fly at all, and this was his first experience in the air. Virgil knew how special that could be.

"This is amazing!" Roman exclaimed. "Is this how it always feels? Why don't people talk about this more?"

"Most people take flying for granted," Virgil replied, slowing down a little to allow himself to navigate the city. "They forget how fantastic it can be. Which is why people who struggle with flying probably have it better - they never forget the feeling."

Roman hummed. "But people who can fly actually get to do this."

"True. But when those who can't always are finally able to, they find it to be the best feeling in the world." He looked back at Roman. "Speaking from personal experience."

Roman frowned. "I thought you said you were a good flyer? The best flyer, actually."

Virgil nodded. "Yeah. But also I have an issue that means sometimes I can't fly. I'm working on it, trust me, but on days like this when I can fly to my hearts content..." He smiled. "I can never forget how great it feels."

Why he was opening up to this complete stranger, Virgil didn't know. But what he did know was that he could trust this man, and if he wanted to help him, Roman would have to trust him as well. If that wasn't a good reason to tell Roman the truth, Virgil didn't know what was.

If he was able to open up to Roman so easily, then surely he could do the same to Patton. That was it - he had to tell Patton, tonight.

The two landed on Logan's balcony, Roman still smiling like crazy. But then when he stepped into the apartment and laid eyes on Logan, his smile faded.

"Logan? The guy from the theatre? Is- Is that you?"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Prince Roman. Fancy seeing you here."

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episode five

How much allegiance does your hairdresser owe you? Most people form a pretty tight bond with the person cutting their hair. Not only do you entrust your hairdresser with your appearance and whatever gossip you share while getting your head massaged – you also trust them not to murder you even though they could easily slit your throat with scissors!! I know you’re pondering that ethical dilemma, but dropetté because it’s time to cut to the feeling!

 Okay, we’re starting off with Amanda and Chloe at the beach, discussing Cara’s freakoutté in the last episode, which is great because I want to rewind and delve further into it. The more I watch it, the less it makes sense. Why would the producers intervene? They barely stepped in when Juliette started hitting Chloe and Amanda – why whisk Cara away just for yelling that no one graduated high school for the fortieth time? Well, I hope you’re a fan of conspiracy theories because have I got one for you. I believe that the producers instructed Alex to push a fabricated storyline involving Cara cheating on G Baby. I’m guessing that they figured Cara would either go along with it, or that she’d get angry, (because that’s her job…) but what they didn’t predict was that Cara had reached her breaking point. Instead of screaming at Alex, (which is what they tried to play this off as,) I think she was screaming at the producers about the utter fakeness of the show. She was tired of constantly being painted as the villain. Which is why they ultimately removed her from the boat. It would also explain the choppy editing and the fact that she dropped out of the show. Thoughts? Opinions? I don’t care, I’m right. Let’s move on.

Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting for – ALYSSA’S SIESTA KEY DEBUT! Who is Alyssa, you ask? LET ME EXPLAIN. Alyssa is Alex’s long-time family friend and current baby mama! She is also Juliette’s former friend from FSU and – you guessed it – HAIRDRESSER. Hairdresser! Has she no decency!? If you’re a friend, feel free to date my ex, but if you’re my hairdresser?! Dream on, bitch! I swear to God, the day Savannah (my hairdresser) starts dating my ex?! Utter chaos! Sadly, Juliette was warned that her hairdresser was a sneaky brownnoser with a hidden agenda. In last season, we witnessed a Chloe and Juliette blowuppé caused by Juliette’s pesky hairdresser! Her OWN HAIRDRESSER told Chloe she was talking shit. While that would be more than enough for me to say goodbye, Juliette kind of has this pattern of ignoring people’s many glaring red flags, idk if you’ve noticed it though, it’s something not many people know about her.

 Anyways, this is a betrayal worse than JC and Brutus, worse than JC and Judas, and dare I say – even worse than that time in Stephanie Meyer’s third American novel in the Twilight Series – Eclipse, when Bella, desperate to stop Jacob from fighting in werewolf form against the savage newborn vampire army Victoria and her new lover Riley had created, kisses Jacob in what she claims is an attempt to get him to stay with her in the safety of the tent, but what we know is an act of love and a direct betrayal of Vampire Edward. It hurts to even think about it. And right after they got engaged? Bella, you can be so heartless. But is this funny because we find out later that even though Alex may find Alyssa to be hotter than Juliette, he literally doesn’t like her. Ouch!

Wait – he doesn’t like her? I thought she was with child – his child! Well, you’re right, she is carrying a small Shrek Alex inside of her uterus, but I guess having someone’s child doesn’t actually force them to like you. Who knew? Would have saved me a lot of grief to have that intel, let me tell you. LOL!! Anyways, we know he doesn’t like Alyssa because he told Juliette to her face that he doesn’t like Alyssa. After Juliette and Boring Robby: The Liar have yet another unsuccessful (and boring) conversation about Alex, Juliette ignores his wishes and goes to see Alex for the first time since the breakuppé anyways. But before we discuss their conversation, I need to get something off my chest. I get a distinctly strange Fatherly vibe from Boring Robby when he and Juliette talk, and it’s so unsettling. Maybe it’s the never-ending rip off of Confucius quotes that spill out of his mouth hole uncontrollably? Seriously, Boring Robby’s only talent (besides stealing) is word vomiting random phrases that don’t pertain to the topic of conversation whatsoever. I mean, “That’s like sitting in the driver’s seat, moving forward, while watching the rearview mirror.” Intern, get this philosopher a quill, some ink, and a Pulitzer Prize…STAT!

Juliette and Alex’s talk goes just about as well as it could possibly go. (It goes horribly.) Luckily, we got some genuine dynamite quotes from the exchange. I was geeking watching this because Juliette has this wonderful habit of exercising exactly zero willpower when it comes to Alex, so we truly get a look inside her brain during this convo. Like she literally can’t control what she says. Maybe that’s why she’s dating Boring Robby. He can’t stop quoting Seventeen Magazine, and Juliette can’t stop herself from screaming “You haven’t found a girl that’s hotter than me” at her ex. It’s one and the same. When Alex and Juliette sit down to talk, it gets heated pretty quickly. Alex admits that he’s not over Juliette, and even though he has “found a girl (or ten) hotter than [Juliette]”, he “hasn’t found a girl [he] likes more than [Juliette].” Juliette brings up Alex’s threating texts to Boring Robby, there are tears from both parties, and Juliette drives off. It’s like, I get why you wanted to, but really Juliette – how did you think this would go?

Okay so let’s take a break from all of this Jalex drama. As much as I love it – wow it’s exhausting! Cut to: BG and Amanda getting steamy in the hot tub! Unfortunately for Brandon, the only thing he’s getting is a steaming pile of rejection. When BG asks Amanda to be official, presumably because he’s worried about her ex, she tells him she doesn’t want to put a label on it. Cringe! Meanwhile, Kelsey and her new friend Jake seem to be getting close, and no – I didn’t mean to type “Jared.” That’s right, Kelsey is up to her usual antics and starting to date multiple guys at once again, finally! As Jake, who is also Robby’s best friend, tearfully confides in Kelsey about his sick father, Kelsey reassuringly responds, “Clearly you have a good shoulder on your head. Your Dad has raised you right.” Normally I would crucify her for this blunder, but she’s been so great this season that I’ll let it slide. Kind of.

 This is me not letting it slide.

Time for Amanda’s party! The first fun thing that happens is that Chloe and Juliette finally makeup, thank GOD because I like both of them infinitely more when they’re friends. The second fun thing is that even though noble Juliette leaves Boring Robby at home out of respect for Alex, Alex walks in holding her – gasp – HAIRDRESSER’S hand. Mike drop, Alex! Jake, Kelsey’s new love interest and Robby’s BFF, makes a sly comment about Alex which TOTALLY comes back to bite him in the ass when none other than shit-stirrer Chloe decides to blow up his spot – but we’ll get to that later. For now, Juliette’s just trying to keep her cool. Respect!

Juliette has been keeping it under control until Amanda confronts her about the lost phone. As we know, Amanda suspects Robby of stealing her phone. And based on Juliette’s face, he is guilty as charged. Juliette breaks down and tells Amanda that Boring Robby threw her phone in the ocean. Surprisingly, Amanda is really nice to Juliette about it, so major props! I think Amanda knows Juliette didn’t have anything to do with the phone and is probably very overwhelmed since she’s being filmed while her ex-boyfriend and ex-hairdresser are making out in front of her face while she’s trying to repair relationships with her best friends. So good for Amanda. Now that Juliette has her friends back, she’s ready for anything. Well, almost anything.

The party’s going too well, so Chloe decides to stir the pot and tell Alex that Jake called him a “sociopath” as Jake is sitting right next to him. Alex immediately dares him to define the word sociopath. This is particularly hilarious because just last week, Alex asked Cara to define the word slander. Why is his go-to insult asking people if they know the Merriam Webster definition of various words? Like next thing you know, you’re going to be asking me how to spell it and use it in a sentence. This isn’t Scripps. Anyways, before Jake can even try to define it, Alex steps in and defines sociopath as “Someone that obsesses over multiple things, that is um…very uh…self-centered, I guess you could say.” SO close, buddy! But no cigar. He truly puts the dick in dictionary, am I right?! His new girlfriend also channels his dick vibe and waltzes up to Juliette to “talk.” I love when people decide to “talk” to Juliette when she’s wasted and vulnerable. Leave Juliette alone! Luckily, Alyssa ends up looking like a complete idiot. She’s condescending, rude, and acts like Juliette has no reason to be thrown off. Even when Alex comes up, Juliette stands her ground and remains fairly level-headed. Alyssa walks away to let the two hash it out, but then proceeds to scream from across the room for Alex to come stand next to her, and admits defeat by confiding in her friends that “he still loves Juliette.” Stay in your lane, sweetie. You’re just a rebound. (Until you get knocked up…but we don’t know that yet.) See you next week.  

[v-writings]

Okay. So my dream had 3 parts, and each part was like an AU but they all included Pietro and myself . . . (1/2)

So, in my first dream, I was at college and it was sorta high tech, especially since some people were mutants/had superpowers. 2 of my friends were acting as stage managers for this carnival themed Halloween haunted maze thing??? . . . But the main plot of these dreams was this transfer student we got and had been here for a couple weeks, and it was Pietro / Quicksilver. And I guess we became fast friends and it was really bizarre but we only messaged on our Tumblrs? Which is horrible since I don't get automatic notifications if I have a message so a simple conversation between us would take hours to get through . . . So, Pietro worked in some sort of engineering program and he'd be working in these tight areas fixing pipes and shit, and I think he was designated to do that due to his speed, so in case anything went wrong, he could zip out of there . . . Anyways. I had a huge crush on him and I didn't realize but he also had a crush on me and I was the only person he talked to extensively since transferring, but I didn't know that . . . But I had my suspicions that he liked me and vise versa, especially since we'd flirt with each other and ask for help on things that we could do by ourselves 😂 . . . I remember it was night and I was leaving my friends to their stage managing after helping clean up this creepy looking prop, and I realized it was dark outside and I didn't want to walk to my dorm alone, so I messaged Pietro to see if he was even awake. He was and asked what was up. And I told him I didn't want to walk in the dark and wanted to know if he could accompany me since he makes me feel safer. He said that he'd always come when I ask, he just has to finish up a few things on the piping or whatever (I honestly don't know what it was) . . . Then I asked if we could talk on the phone while I wait for him, he said yeah, and then we had an awkward moment bc we didn't actually have each other's phone numbers since we messaged on Tumblr¿¿ So when that's situated, I call him and he's always so cheeky when we're talking bc this boy, when he answered my call, was like "Did you miss me?" And I joked about how it's been torture not hearing his voice (although it was really nice to hear him). What I said made him laugh and that made me smile . . . Eventually he's done and suddenly he's right next to me, and then . . . There's a timeskip in my dream, and my friends and honestly everyone else is getting fed up with us flirting but not asking each other out. And I asked my one friend if they thought he liked me, and she groaned but pointed out in mine and Pietro's messages that he's always asking me to bring him snacks or share my lunch or is always saying that he can't see me right now but he's sure that I look gorgeous. And I kinda laugh in embarssment especially as Pietro sends a another message just then saying: "aww, so you're not going to share your goldfish :(" . . . The time progression in my dream keeps getting a little warped and suddenly I'm receiving this more risque message on texts this time, bc it took forever for my phone to receive so I got it hours after Pietro sent it and read it when Pietro was approaching me.¿?.. Idk what was going on with that, but when he was in front of me we both asked each other out at the same time, we laughed and then he was rocking back and forth on his feet with a shy smile on his face aND JFC HE KISSED MY CHEEK REALLY FAST AND WAs on the other side of me now blushing really red but in order to cover up his embarssment, he cocikly said his infamous line, "You didn't see that coming?" and he zoomed off . . . Then I woke up and was salty at myself bc I wanted more from the dream 😭😂😂😂 so I fell back asleep. . . So now it was like an AU, Pietro and other students (now at Xavier's school) were injured and being tended to, and I was freaking out trying to find my boyfriend, eventually I found him arguing with a nurse who gave him a final bandage and left, rolling her eyes. Pietro was probably feeling embarrassed that he even got injured, but it happened at night and he was asleep so he couldn't have dodged it. So I silently sat across from him for a moment but straightened my legs out to put my feet against his and he pushed back so I knew that he acknowledged me. And we just sat there quietly and I observed his 2 toned hair and the rest of his beautiful face, bless . . . Timeskip. Some of the rooms were damaged so people either had to share or could sleep in the living room type areas. Few people were in the living room so I thought I'd join Pietro there. He laid on the couch and I rolled out some blankets on the floor next to him . . . And at one point while we were quietly talking he held his hand out, pointing at something, but since it was dangling over me I reached up to grab his hand, and he kinda chuckled asking what I was doing and that this wasn't what he expected. But I responded with saying how I just wanted to hold his hand. He squeezed my hand for a moment and I knew he was most likely blushing. Then I adjusted our hands so I could properly lace my fingers with his; oh. my gods. his hand was really soft and it makes me cry . . . And then I took my other hand and drew random shapes on his hand for a bit, then I pulled myself up enough to briefly kiss his hand and laid back down . . . . And then I woke up; went back to sleep... Another AU... No powers . . . I'm in my bedroom and Pietro is standing at the foot of my bed and my best friend is there telling me to wake up (lmao)and this whole dream is just me waking up and getting ready/straightening up my room, and Pietro wants to help but knows that it's something I have to do on my own, so he's impatiently waiting and walking around my room, constantly picking up stuff . . . For some reason my friend takes a shower in my bathroom?? Which reminded me that I had to shower so Pietro made some jokes about joining me but I was like "no honey. take a nap" 😂😂😂 . . . It was all so bizarre. My dad briefly popped into my room, I guess to check if Pietro was behaving himself?? Idk, but the fact that Pietro was able to chill in my room with the door closed obviously meant that we'd been together a while and my family trusted him so... anyways . . . He was so pouty waiting for me to get ready and I don't even know what we were all gonna do but then I started watching anime while lying on my bed and suddenly my friend was gone¿ And Pietro was sitting in this black chair in my room, watching the blades of my fan spin around . . . It was bizarre bc yeah, it's a dream, but the setting felt so artificial it was weirding me out. So I woke up and was like, yeah, I guess I won't go back to sleep again 😂😂😂🙏🏽💙

I’M FUCKING CRYING LMAO THIS WAS A ROLLERCOASTER BUT MY FAVORITE PART WAS “aww, so you're not going to share your goldfish :(”

[bucketofchum]

I legit just fell asleep for 20 minutes and had a hyper-realistic dream that I was starting a possible budding cute possibly romantic thing with Simone Biles.

I was in a study room with a couple people (an older middle aged white woman (55-60) who was REALLY invested in her son’s relationship status and was upset that he just lost his girl – showed all of us his texts with her and she dumped him cuz he legit had a lewd website and was advertising himself and it was 100% his fault, but this lady was REALLY upset about it; there were probably two black guys? and maybe like a white girl and some Asian people, and me - and I’m just trying to do my work) and we had somehow eventually solved the mystery that this lady was The Murderer and was running this sort of black widow (and black widower?) scheme where she was trying to hook herself up with people and get their money and also hook her son up with people and get their money. idk it was weird. 

Anyhow, earlier in this dream, Simone had given me a pack of enormous crayons as a gift and I was??? So surprised?? cuz like 1) who gives me things and 2) she knew who I was?? okk. She is also best friends with Malia Obama, who, in this dream!verse, is also a smol gymnast and not 6 foot 1 like she is in real life (and looked a lot more like Sasha in this dream but even smoller). Anyhow, this verse, they are besties and almost always together and I’m just?? dumfounded okay. But it was a really random thing cuz like the whole interaction was like 3 seconds. “Hey, I heard it’s your birthday and you like art right? So I got you these crayons.” She hands them to me, and as Im just stammering there holding them in my hands, she and Malia are gone. I’m just…”did that really just happen”

So anyway later, I’m back at the study room - or a study room - and I’m working on a science project with…these crayons. They are freaking huge - like a single crayon is almost the length of my forearm with and the girth is a little thicker than my forearm. And I strip off the paper on the crayon and it’s got all these intricately shaped things carved into it and it looks like it’s like…a built in inkjet printer just…crayon shaped…idk I’m trying to figure this out when Simone comes in and is like “Hey whatcha doin?” or like “Hey how’re you?” and I’m so alarmed I have the dumbest response like “Oh yeah uh today is going great! Someone gave me these crayons, and–”

and she’s just interjects like “Yeah I got those for you”

and I’m nervous as hell and like “HAHAHHA YEAH! YOU DID. Thank you!!”

And she goes to show me this cool thing that they can do and goes to put the big crayon in the thing I was working on and pushes the whole set up out the window - weird things happen - and it comes back in, and she takes the crayon out and seems disappointed that whatever she wanted to happen didn’t happen. I say, “Yeah I’m still trying to figure that out” and now she seems a bit let down and awkward and she goes “Okay I’m just gonna head out now”

As she turns to head out, her body brushes against all my binders and papers and everything kinda goes flying and I’m so fucking embarrassed. She seems a little flustered too and offers to help, but it’s clear she’s got somewhere to be, so I assure her I’ve got it so she can dip.

I’m really pretty stressed out about all my papers and clipping out of order (it was a really really big complicated project I was working on, so I’m trying to concentrate on this thing), but Simone is still around and she tells me about her competitions and whatnot (she’s retired now in this verse I think - but like. Very recently. Like she just had a competition like 2 days ago and is now retired?? because she started to get these seizures.) I want to pay attention to what she’s saying but I can’t really focus because - GAH the papers and everything is ahhhh…! I have a very hard time concentrating on anything cuz I’m trying to both engage in conversation with her but my mind and eyes are at my mess of work and my ears are on her so I kinda just get neither done (like I could have given her my full attention or my work but nothing really worked out).

Eventually, she heads off and I’m left to sort myself out and regain composure.

Some time must had passed because I’m back to full concentration on my work. But as I’m working, I am vaguely mulling over what she was saying to me while I couldn’t pay attention. Out of the corner of my eye (and literally around the corner) - also because I could hear, I realise that Simone is just in the adjacent room that doesn’t really have a door so okay it’s the same room but it’s an inverted L shape  and I’m on the bottom leg of the L and she’s at the top. She’s standing to the right of the table, talking happily with a friend (not Malia haha) who is at the table working on writing some stuff, and I just watch her talk for a bit.

I probably watch her talk for only like 2-3 seconds before something looks a little wrong. She’s leaning forward and her eyes are unblinking. It almost looks like time has frozen and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. My mind is trying to decide if she is having a seizure? (Didn’t she mention she was dealing with seizures now?) or if she is trying really hard to express something and can’t figure out how to say it. If I run over right now I can catch her before she falls and possibly injures herself IF she is having a seizure. BUT if she is not having a seizure and I run over and scoop her up, I would literally just die of social embarrassment cuz honestly can you imagine you’re in the middle of talking just fine and then out of no where someone zooms in and grabs you - that’d be fucking weird.

So all of those thoughts occur in…less than 1 second of real time. And finally I decide not to zip in like a fucking dumbass and embarrass myself to death. But once I make that decision I look up again and see her topple over. I run over but JUST too late to catch her and she just…thunk - faceflat into the ground. 

FUCKKKKkkk I should have caught her. I should have known it was a seizure - FUCK she TOLD me she was having seizures fuckkk fuck fuck fuck. ugh fuckk fuck fuck okay. I know that when people are having seizures you need to turn them around – stop. Pause time. She wasn’t seizing up - she just fainted. She literally just froze and fell over. This wasn’t going through my head but I just kinda recognised it on the spot? but I didn’t have the words come to me on the spot - usually the causes of fainting is a loss of blood pressure and thus a decrease of blood in the brain – so first, I turn her over. God, she’s so limp like a dead body I’m so fucking scared. She folds like a doll with the consistency of dough and I’m horrified. Her face is pale - like WHITE, and I straighten her neck and cradle her head first to make sure her neck is stabilised (I’ve had first responder training okay so this is kind of muscle memory). She looks better once her head is stabilised. I lift up her legs slightly so that blood can go back to her brain, and then…it finally occurs to me that I should tell someone to get help. The girl who was at the table talking with her had jumped up and ran into the other room in shock, but I tell her to go get help and she runs off.

[In retrospect while writing this, I realise I should not have asked the girl to call 911 because seizures/epilepsy/fainting spells, especially for people who have told you they have those tendencies experience them often and can recover from them fine, and unless there is clear damage, 911 i not necessary. But also, when I flipped her over, in this horrifying dreamverse, her head had shrunk to like fetal size and was basically folded into her neck so like???!! I think Dreamverse me did a good call about the 911 request for emergency service cuz that looked really really fucking bad and I was freaking HORRIFIED.

Oh wait I fucking forgot to mention okay.. when she fell, she looked SLAUGHTERED okay. So her right arm dislocated HORRIBLY at her shoulder and also at the elbow. The entire right wrist and thumb on that hand were also dislocated and some other fingers. I managed to pop everything back into place (horrified while doing so), all except her pinky finger and shoulder. God, I tried with the shoulder. It was a horror show okay I was very scared. Nevermind i take it back - I’m GLAD I had someone call 911 cuz that seemed serious.]

Anyhow, she is now laying on her back (which is not recommended for seizure cases but recall she is just fainted and not having a seizure), and I am at her legs/feet, kneeling with her legs resting on top of mine and I’m kind of rocking a little to facilitate gravitational blood flow. My mind is kinda all jumbled but at the same time it has reached a calm point because I know right now it’s just…waiting. Waiting for either help to arrive or for confirmation that Simone is okay, so I’m just sitting there quietly rocking.

Eventually Simone comes to, and I profusely apologise for letting her fall and explain the whole situation (probably too much explaining cuz I also explained to her my dilemma that eventually led to her falling face first smack into hard linoleum tile), but she seems to have a good laugh about it (I don’t), and we’re kinda just chatting and laughing now, her lying on her back and my chillin at her feet (I’ve moved it now her legs are kinda bent at the knees and her feet are on my hips) and we’re kinda having a decent time about it now, despite the weird situation. 

She suddenly slides back and props herself up on her elbows. Her colour has returned back to her skin and she looks relatively normal and her head is no longer creepy white fetus doll looking, and she seems okay.

So anyhow, she gets up (we’re both standing now) and I remember her shoulder and finger and ask if she’s okay. Yeah she’s perfectly fine. She popped them back in with no problem. I need to check to make sure cuz I saw how bad it looked and it certainly did not look like no problem, and I inspect her all over. Her finger…s??? she has like 3 amputated fingers? I never noticed this and I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before. her middle and ring finger on the her right hand are amputated at the first and second knuckle and her ring finger on her left hand is just missing the tip. Huh. I don’t make a comment, but I also notice she’s got a lot of scars on the underside her arms (now that her colour has come back to and scars are more visible) that look almost like scars on a whale’s body. I also make no comment.

Anyhow I make sure she’s okay, still super dubious and she assures me she is. I ask a dumb question that I know people who dislocate their shoulders a lot get (does that happen a lot? :/ are you sure you’re okay?) and she seems okay with my dumb questions. “Okay…” I’m kind of really awkward now and I tuck my hands in my pockets. I shrug my shoulders, still kinda awkwardly talking with her and start slinking off. She didn’t appear anywhere near as awkward as I felt then, so I guess that was a good sign.

And then someone called me and I woke up from the longest 20 minute nap I’ve ever had.

[bitch-sexy-blog1]

Day 1 - Angie

Monday 8:48 am:

Text from Dom:  “Hola!!! I miss you!  So curious how you be, wanna catch up? <3”

I wake up to this text.  3 mosquito bites on my forehead.  Some IG memes.  Snapchats.  Along with a slight depression because I am still funemployed and I hate not working.  Oh, and to texts from my other ex-boyfriend Jake who reached out because his step-father passed away this week.  

*Mind tries to swallow these feels*

9:50 am: Sends Mila a screenshot of Quinn’s text

9:53 am: Mila:  Oh my god.  Are you going to respond???????

*falls back asleep until MUFUGGING 4 PM* WHO THE FUK AM I.

(Dom is a well-known (I guess you could say famous) DJ ex-boyfriend of mine whom I asked to never reach out to me again back in January after the X-Games.  That was my breaking point of our “trying to be friends after dating” situation.  He is the reason I have an unordinarily negative outlook on love, relationships, and men.  And yet I still compare every guy I date to him.  How obsessed we were with each other, how we communicated, how we loved...I can’t put into words how it felt.  The best part was that it was mutual each step of the way.  But as time went on, we both changed.  Unfortunately for me, he turned into a lying, egotistical fuckboi.  He was a world-class manipulator and controlled my every move like I was his personal puppet.   He was also the *only* person who could make me cum in 30 seconds.  Yay for me.  After I found out about his sleezy nature and about all the PLUR baby girls he was banging, I could no longer cum.  Not even once.  That was it.  The flame burnt out.  Sexually, mentally, emotionally.  We tried and tried and tried and it just wouldn’t happen.  You can still try to love when your mind’s not in it, but when your heart’s not in it too, that’s when it’s game over.  Time to move on.  I appreciate the times we had because now I know how to love deeply.  I also knew what it felt like to be vulnerable, for once.  

Year 1 and 2 he showed me what true love was like.

Year 3 he tried to have an open relationship with me (with it being open on his end only, mind you) and consistently told me it’s natural for men to have multiple partners because they crave “sexual diversity”.  Even though he thought I was perfect, he still wanted a taste of something different.  He would tell me “if you don’t want any guy to cheat on you, you’re gonna have to get with a plumber.  Because guys in this day in age, if they’re successful, attractive, and are charming, they are going to have multiple partners.  That’s how it should be.”  He told me, “I become even more addicted to YOU, because of how free you allow me to be.”  

Pshhh, keep that shit away from me mayne.

Here is where my negative outlook on men began to cultivate.

Anyway, so I wanted him out of my life.  I felt like he was toxic to my mind and I just didn’t want him to flood my thoughts anymore.  I politely asked him to stop reaching out weekly and he freaked out.   He tried to text me four or five times after, and my short and disinterested responses seemed to have worked.  I haven’t heard from him since April.  And it’s been great!

However, it’s hard to escape his entirety.  My friends in Atlanta are all obsessed with his music.  He developed a friendship with my brother.  I still even enjoy his music.  His old body guard still messages me.  I can’t escape Stage Name, but I can still try and escape Dom.).

This text was like woah for me this morn.  

Rewind two days:

I had just talked with the guy I’ve been seeing Quinn (who is also in the music industry) about how Dom and I don’t talk anymore.  He seemed curious about it and said, “Doesn’t he live like 20 min away from you?”  I said yes, but trust me, he doesn’t know I live out here.  And I asked him not to reach out to me a while ago.  He hasn’t.  It’s fine.  Don’t worry.”   This happened Saturday night as I lay in his lap, listening to Deadmau5, looking up at the sky (and his cute ass face).  He was asking me all sorts of questions.  How many relationships have you been in, how long were they, etc.  

Soon after, we all packed into Dan’s car heading to an after-party at Mike’s loft.  As I sat on Quinn, knee to face and ass in lap, he bit my ear, kissed my neck, kept turning my head to make out with me...all in front of everyone.  After we had talked about how he doesn’t need to worry about Quinn, how I’m a good girl that doesn��t just hook up, and how I’m a deep girl with deep feelings, he seemed to have no worries at all.  I liked that.  He couldn’t stop hugging me.  I noticed that I didn’t care about PDA at all either, which is unusual for me.  PDA?  Me?  Naw…..well, I suppose yes with him :)

We hung out on the rooftop overlooking the ATL skyline.  Soon we both got tired and head to bed.  Of course, we ended up having sex even though the bedroom had missing walls (I get that it’s a loft but like, what about privacy?  Y tho).  Pretty sure people heard us.  But, again…..we didn’t care.   

Sunday:

*Alarm goes off* 12:10pm

Angie:  Shit.  Need to get up.  Guess I’ll get up and see how I look.  *Looks in mirror*  Okay, not too bad.  We can make this work.  A little foundation, brushed teeth, and change of clothes and I’ll be Gucci.

12:15pm: *whispers to Quinn*

Yo...we have to leave in 15.  You don’t have to come, but just letting you know.

Quinn: Wakes up all squinty-eyed.  Curly-headed mess.  Zombie walks to the bathroom and moans.  Walks back to bed.

I sift through my tiny gym bag of necessities (thanks to Skiplagged even tho I love you Skiplagged) and find a cute, chill outfit to wear.  In 10 min, I look gewwwwwd.  Slight bags underneath my eyes but that’s inevitable after a festival weekend.

I tap on Quinn to let him know I’m calling the Lyft.  He gets up, stares at the wall for 30 seconds (I look at him like ...da fuq.  He spaces off randomly and IDK if he’s really not thinking about anything or what but...I curious about you sometimes dawg) but then he finally makes moves and puts his shoes on, and says “Mmmk.  I’m ready.”

We meet my mom and brother for lunch.  My mom is being extra cute and Asian and Quinn just giggles and stares at me the whole time.  I keep putting food on his plate to eat (Korean style) and he just kept eating.  What a doll.  He tried everything too.  What. A. Doll.  Even though he’s the second guy I’ve ever introduced to my family, my fam kept it pretty chill.  I think they know not to get attached to any guy I talk to now ‘til it’s reaaaal.  But still.  Props to my fam.  They were very welcoming and adorable.  I knew he really liked them.

My brother drops us off at the loft again and we pass out for a couple hours.  <Insert last quiet attempt at sex here>   We did ittttttt.  Both came too.  Tehe.  I still couldn’t get on top because the bed squeaked too much, but still.  Fun times.

We both head to the airport and he’s constantly touching and grabbing me along the way.  He asked, “You think we’ll have time to dine?” I smiled, “Dine?...Yes, I think so.”  And he smiled back.

We “dined” at Grindhouse Killer Burgers and just chatted.  Kept looking at the time, hoping time would pass slower.

I had 5 minutes until boarding ended, so we started to walk towards my gate.  Right before we got there, he asked when I’d see him again.  Of course I agreed to come down to LA.  We kissed goodbye and I hopped on my flight just in the knick of time.  Had bitch seat in between one chick playing loud ass electronic music and another watching football on her phone the whole time chewing her gum like Cardi B would (one of my biggest pet peeves).  And no TV.  So I decided to just try and sleep the entire way.

Decide to take BART home.  I see McD’s next to the station...so I decide to make moves.

Get home to wifey Mila.  I have a McDouble in hand.  I plop down on the couch and eat my burgz.  I barely ate all weekend so it was pretty fucking delicious.  We talk some then both decide to go to sleep.

I had awful sleep because I kept getting mufugging bit in the face by mosquitoes lurking in my room.  

I woke up Monday like…………………..is this for real?  Universe.  I see you.

Dom...really?  Now?

Also, last time I got bit in my face by a mosquito was when I was with Quinn on a hike a couple years ago and my forehead literally grew an inch because of how I react to mosquito bites.  He constantly laughed at me because of how cute it was to him.  Was this foreshadow, Universe?  Cuz...I still see you.

Anyway, all this is making me question if I could be with someone in the music industry again.  I lurked Quinn’s IG haaaard the other day and it was all fest/show life.  

I really dig Quinn, but during this next trip, I want to get to know him more and see what his everyday life is like.  And what his normal communication is like.  I can’t tell if he’s just shy and quiet or if he likes to keep the game interesting by being quiet.  I told Mila I want to have a communication level to a degree where Quinn and I shared, and she was like, “You compare every guy to Quinn,” and I was like…damn, you’re right.  But just because I want that communication level doesn’t mean I want a guy like Quinn.  Quinn is a broken dude who will always be broken.  I just look for the way our convo flowed.  Kinda like the way Mila and my convo flows.  I need that.  

So, bought my flight to LA (exact same one as Mila cuz she’ll be there for her poker playaz) today.  

Oct. 13…………oh lordt.

(I also messaged my bartending connect today.  We are meeting this weekend.  I think I’m gonna go this route for now.  Fukkkk sales.  I mentioned this so you don’t think I’m a lazy POS, lulz).  But really.  I am excited to see where this goes.

11:20pm:  Mila’s Jonah Hill doppelgänger just called.  He’s totally in love and trying to pay for her flight out this weekend.  She’s playing it cool by saying she has to check with her boss (which I’m sure she does) but I can tell wifey needs to think a lil about it.  I’m so curious to see how this weekend would go for her if she decides to go.  He’s suggesting she stay a good amount of time.  Her and this super sexy dark Kocoum look-a-like (who is roomies with Jonah at the cheez mansion) have this intense chemistry going on, and I’m sooooo curious to see how it unravels.  If she doesn’t go this weekend, Mila and I are both going to be in LA Oct. 13th wknd.  We are gonna have two completely different blog entries, I can tell ya that much, lolz.  I’ll be with Quinn mostly and she’s gonna have to fend off Chuck and Jonah, but try and sneak away with Kocoum.  Also while trying to slay at poker.  I happened to be at this mansion during fight night in LA a couple weeks before with Quinn and met all these guys.  Completely randomly with different connects.  The one guy I noticed and thought was cute was the guy she picked out--Kocoum.  Go Mila :) 

Arrrittttee.

****Time to sign off****

-Angie