#anyways its almeowst 3am i really need to slep-

[smolselfshippingaxcycat]

i wrote a thing with my purroject moon s/i

tw fur depictions of depurression, mental illness, suicidal ideation, slightly body horror-y near the end, also ment of bugs (namely just caterpillars and butterflies but ye)

"did you know that when a caterpillar undergoes metamorphosis, its body liquifies, leaving behind only the vital life-supporting cells...? its body releases enzymes that digest all of its tissues, turning it into what basically amounts to soup. and from there, it restructures its own body from that soup..."

…Rudy lay in their room, curled up on their side in bed, surrounded by several pastel-colored plushies.

They held a soft pink rabbit close to their chest- It rested its head on a blue pillow, eyes closed in an eternal sleep. It always looked so peaceful, yet so sad…

if only it were that easy to dream sweet dreams forever…

they stroked the rabbit's head, mumbling quiet reassurances to it that they knew it couldn't hear; "ᶦᵗ'ˡˡ ᵇᵉ ᵒᵏᵃʸ, ᶦ ᵖʳᵒᵐᶦˢᵉ… ᶦ'ˡˡ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ᵇᵉ ʰᵉʳᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ʸᵒᵘ, ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ… ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ ʷᶦˡˡ ᵇᵉ⁻"

The assistant librarian let out a shaky breath as their voice broke, tears welling up in their eyes. Oh Wings, they probably looked so stupid right now… Talking to a stuffed rabbit, gently telling it the things that they themself wanted to hear from someone else. Anyone would do, really…

Despite spending each day with their fellow librarians, they felt so… lonely, so isolated.

Being exhausted all the time, being nothing more than an observer in your own life did that to you, they supposed…

Wake up from only a few hours of sleep, waste time doing low-effort activities that weren't fun or rewarding anymore (between scattered naps and on autopilot), get up once the sun was down, take sleeping meds at approximately 1am, and waste time alone until they kicked in.

Rinse and repeat ad infinitum. It was all so pointless…

They pulled their blanket up to their shoulders, still holding their rabbit close to their chest, still tenderly but uselessly petting its head. The gesture and texture of the plushie was… soothing…

…The assistant librarian couldn't help but wonder if anyone would miss them or even notice if they died. Assuming they could die permanently now that the Library no longer had to hold Receptions and all…

Was it selfish to hope that anyone would? Netzach, Veil, Conductor, Hod, Mickey… But even as their names popped into their head, their fucked up head came up with reasons why they wouldn't almost immediately. Netzach had other Assistant Librarians to help out, and they were probably just as replaceable to him as they were to the manager back at L Corp. Their cheerful, inclusive attitude and brief check-ins probably didn't mean a thing. Veil had Conductor, and Conductor had Veil- It was so fucking stupid how they tried to force their way into creating a friend group when those two probably only needed each other. Hod had many girlfriends, and probably lots of regular… platonic friends as well. Losing one friend wouldn't mean a thing, right…? And Mickey… Probably never cared about them at all to begin with.

They realized that all those jokes they made about offing themself in some way or another were starting to have a hint of truth to them. …Or maybe they were always truth, passed off as a joke through a bittersweet smile to prevent anyone from worrying, prevent themself from being a burden.

How long had they done this? Been miserable, but tried to make themself seem as small as possible to avoid bothering anyone else… They didn't know the exact amount of time, but it was definitely as far back as they could remember. Did the people who told them they looked sad or anxious all the time sense it? That deep melancholic sickness that had seeped its way into their body, infecting their mind, and entwining with their soul so intricately that getting better became synonymous with losing a part of themself…

None of it would get better if they didn't open up, of course they knew that- But it was all so terrifying, the idea of opening up at all. What if they made someone uncomfortable? What if they shared too much, or brought similar feelings up in others? That was absolutely the last thing they wanted…!

Rudy

closed their eyes

tears rolling down their cheek

as they sniffled pathetically.

...Stop thinking...

They nestled up closer to their bunny, and deeper amongst their blanket.

The outside of their body felt warm, but the inside was so… cold. How are you supposed to warm up your insides…? Maybe a warm drink, or a hug? some soup- Not that they had the energy to go get any, anyways…

Maybe they themself were the soup, gone all cold and bad from being left out too long in the hellscape of the City… Rotting…

As more tears wet the pillow beneath their head, it felt as if their whole body was slowly liquifying… They could see it with their closed eyes- They'd hold a hand up to their line of sight, and watch it drip, drip, dripping away with the tears. It wouldn't be scary or painful, it'd just look like… sweating? Or maybe the water dripping off your wet hands after you wash them…? ʷʰᵃᵗᵉᵛᵉʳ…

Cocooned in blankets as a false chrysalis- They suddenly remembered what they recently learned mindlessly skimming through one of the entomology books on the Floor of Natural Sciences- That caterpillars undergoing metamorphosis slowly digested themselves in their chrysalis, leaving behind only the most vital cells to stay alive, and reconstructing their entire bodies to become butterflies from there on out.

…Maybe the day wouldcome someday where the assistant librarian would emerge from their own chrysalis, reformed into… whatever the human equivalent of a butterfly would be. Someone who… manifested their own E.G.O…?

That was a comforting (and hopeful) thought, but…

It felt so artificial and fake. So out of reach.

…So for tonight, just drifting off to sleep once again with the catharsis of caring for their bunny plushie,

and treating it with that heart-wretching gentleness they rarely ever got

was just enough…

Goodnight, Rudy.