#anyways its 5:30 am and i have work in the afternoon. bye

[kiddphel]

WolfBite but make it some obscure 2000's era cartoon

[phantom-curve]

find the strength, find the melody pt. 7

lmfao I love how I posted an update 2 days ago like “this fic will have sporadic posts! idk when they’re coming!” and then I spent the last two days writing this. when that insomnia inspiration hits ya gotta just go with it!

this chapter went in a completely different direction than I had planned on soooo yeah...honestly not sure where this is gonna end up! the characters from my OC novel that I’m loosely basing this story around didn’t have a connection before they ran into each other so when Julie gave me this I almost cut it because I genuinely wasn’t sure where it was going. I think I’ve almost figured it out and I’m pretty sure I know how this will end. and now we all get to laugh at me together because it’s definitely gonna be more than 3-4 chapters. it might even be more than 6. Luke’s POV will have roughly the same amount of chapters I think, possibly longer because boy oh boy does he have A LOT to say (most of it about Julie). fair warning: this one has an awkward cut off because of the way I need to set up the next chapter. sorry about that.

and now something I probably should be embarrassed to admit: I don’t remember writing the part where I managed to sneak an “I’ve Got The Music” reference in so now we know for sure this show has infiltrated my brain. it’s fine, I’m fine, at least I WILL BE WHEN WE GET A S2!!!! KENNY!!!! SAVE ME HERE!!! MAKE MY UNHINGED OBSESSIONS WORTH IT!!!!!

taglist: @blue-hat-girl, @lwhoscribbles, @bluefyoto94, @5sosmukefan, @moonlightxnder, @leahthewonder​, @kat-maybe-not​, @lukewearingbeanies, @imastrugglingartist​​

It was no small miracle that Julie made it through the afternoon without Ray asking for details about her supposed ‘plan’ to play with the Sunset Curve boys. She didn’t think she would have been able to pull off spinning a story quite as well as Luke had earlier. She had expected at least a small amount of interrogating about when she had started playing again, but apparently the news that she was playing at all, let alone with other people in front of an audience, was enough for Ray to ignore all of the other plot holes involved in this scheme. He seemed to have almost forgotten the meeting with Principal Lessa entirely, humming on the drive home, kissing her forehead and turning her loose to freak out alone in her room while he sat down to work on his computer in the dining room. Julie took full advantage of the time alone to restlessly pace her room and send Flynn a 911 text. Her bestie’s contact photo lit up the phone screen 30 seconds later.

“Okay, I’m hiding in the basement girl’s bathroom, so you’ve got exactly 5 minutes before I get too grossed out to stay here.”

Julie’s chest loosened at the sound of Flynn’s comforting voice. There wasn’t anyone else in the world that loved her the way Flynn did. It was reassuring and made it easy for Julie to let loose.

“Lessa told Dad about the music program and then You-Know-Who ambushed us outside of her office and basically forced me to agree to perform with them.”

“Voldemort was at Los Feliz?!”

Flynn’s gasp was overflowing with sarcasm.

“Flynn!” Julie whined. “Be serious! Luke showed up out of nowhere again! And he did the thing again! The charming his way into getting what he wants thing! And now I have to play with his freaking band! What the hell am I supposed to do?”

There was silence for a moment. When Flynn spoke again her voice was softer, more serious.

“You don’t have to play with them, Jules. You can tell them no, and they’ll have no choice but to respect that. The only person who can make you do anything is you. But...I kinda think you might want to play with them.”

“What?! No!”

Julie’s exclamation was a second late. Flynn didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. Julie sighed.

“Okay fine. There’s something about Luke that makes me want to play again. Are you happy? He gave mom’s song back to me when I thought it was lost forever. He’s the only person who’s heard me perform it, and he...no one else has ever made me feel that good about my music before.”

Julie thanked her lucky stars Flynn wasn’t in the room to see her blush. There was a long moment of contemplative silence on the other end of the line. When she spoke again, there was that extra note of take-no-shit in Flynn’s voice that made Julie sit up and really listen.

“I think you should give it a chance. Who knows, maybe this is some sort of sign from your mom. You said it was a miracle he would have even found that song in the first place. You said it felt like she was there with you when you were playing. Maybe she made sure it would find its way back to you when you were ready for it.”

Julie didn’t say anything, just worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Her heart beat a little faster in her chest. It had felt a little too perfect to be just a coincidence. The way Luke kept appearing in her life at the exact moments she needed him someone or something to help her keep moving forward. Flynn sighed.

“Look, I’m not saying it is your mom. But I’m not saying there’s not some kind of greater power out there that keeps pushing the two of you together. I think you should give it a chance. If nothing else, you can get back in the music program and we can bring Double Trouble to life in time for our Junior Showcase!”

Julie couldn’t help laughing. Her eyes felt misty, love for her best friend welling up in her heart.

“I never agreed to that name you know. But thanks, Flynn. I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Now. I gotta get the fuck out of this grimy ass bathroom. Love you, bye!”

Flynn waited for her to return the sentiment before hanging up.  Julie flopped back on her bed, letting her breath out in a loud whoosh as she hit the comforter. A glance at her phone told her she only had a couple hours until Luke and the other boys would be out of school and on their way to her house. She tried her best to ignore the way that thought made her stomach roll with a type of nervousness she would rather not name. It was easier to blame it on nerves over playing with new people rather than nerves over playing with Luke. Except...now that she actually thought about it, she had played with Luke before. Her head spun, eyes fluttering shut as she remembered the one music class she had shared with Luke last year.

She had only been a freshman, stuck in a lowly Introduction to Composition class. It was supposed to be for new songwriters. Julie had a little more experience than the rest of the class, after all she’d been kind of composing with her mom for a few years now, so when it had been time to write a duet for their final big project she had gotten paired up with the classmate whose skill level most matched hers. It was supposed to be a way for them to challenge each other and grow as writers instead of one person doing most of the work. Julie had been paired with Luke.

He’d been a grumbly sophomore, held back for failing his last semester of Intro to Comp the year before. He had been stuck there only for the second semester, forced to double up between their class and his second year Composition class. Julie hadn’t been all that excited about partnering with him. He hadn’t really seemed to care about the class at all, and even though Julie also sometimes felt like it was holding her back a little bit, she never once voiced that thought. It was a privileged mindset, and Julie was well aware that she had an advantage over her classmates since her mother was a professional songwriter. Luke, on the other hand, had made it well known that he felt like he was wasting his time just waiting to get through the semester so he could move up to the Advanced Composition class that he felt he truly belonged in. Julie could usually do no more than roll her eyes in those moments.

It was true that Luke was talented. His guitar playing was impressive, his lyrics were heartfelt and sometimes even downright poetic. Julie just didn’t think anyone deserved specific things in life because they happened to be naturally talented at something. Their songwriting experience had been...interesting to say the least. And short. It had ended abruptly when Julie’s mother had died 5 days later. In the end, they’d only worked together for two 40-minute class periods before she had been lost in the fog of grief that consumed her in the weeks following the loss of her mom.

Julie shot up in bed, eyes wide. She didn’t even fully remember what had happened with the half-finished song they had been working on. Errant notes echoed in her head, like a song that had only existed in dreams until now. She absently wondered if Luke had held onto that as well. It was no wonder she had kept that particular memory suppressed all this time. That time in her life had been particularly painful. Luke had been gentle with her though. Almost all traces of his typical arrogance gone in the two short class periods they’d had to work together. He had kept things light, steering their songwriting in the direction of a rock ballad more than a true duet. Julie hadn’t minded. She had been floating through classes by then anyway, on edge every second she was away from her mom’s bedside. It had been easier to work on something that didn’t have as many sappy emotions attached to it.

She groaned, burying her face in her hands. No wonder Luke had been so sweet with her. He must have had a front row seat to her breakdown throughout the last year. She hadn’t even realized it. Had never before seen the way he watched her from a distance, checked in on her during class. She should have. Now that she was thinking about it, trying to identify every instance, she could name a million. How had she missed it for so long? How had he gone so long without saying anything? The Luke she remembered was terrible at keeping his mouth shut. He had always been ready to speak his mind, never afraid to start a discourse. It didn’t track that he had been holding himself back. Unless...it was more about her musical ability than anything else. She remembered now; Luke had been thrilled to partner with her for the duet. He had made some remark about how her sound was the perfect complement to his. Maybe he only cared about the ways they would mesh as songwriters. She could only hope that’s what his words had meant.

She felt more secure in her footing as a musician when it came to dealing with Luke than she ever had as a simple teenaged girl. If it was just about the music she could compartmentalize better, keep herself from getting too emotionally invested. Music had always been a safe zone, neutral. She breathed in and out deeply, remembering the technique Dr. Turner had taught her to slow her breathing and recenter her mind. She could do this. It was just about the music. They would play a song together, Julie would get back into the music program, and life would move forward much in the way it had before. Except Julie would actually participate in class this time. She had the music back in her soul, she wasn’t ever going to let it go again. On her next exhale, she heard the doorbell ring. Showtime. Julie zipped down the stairs, ripping open the door before her dad had a chance to get more than three feet away from his computer. Luke, Alex and Reggie all stumbled back a step as she tumbled outside, pulling the front door shut behind her. The three teenaged boys shared a look.

“Studio. Now.”

Julie raced down the path to her mom’s studio before they could react, not even waiting to see if they followed her. If they were smart, if they truly wanted to do this, they would. She hauled the garage doors open, only turning around when she had the piano at her back. The wood felt warm and solid, almost like she had her mom as a support behind her instead of an instrument. The boys appeared seconds later, Luke leading the way. He stopped a couple feet inside of the studio, studying her with wide open earnest eyes. She let out a deep breath. Reggie spoke up before she could get a word out.

“Woah, Julie, this studio is so cool! It’s like a tiny home! A musical tiny home in a botanical garden!!”

His green eyes were wide, expression awed as he spun to take in the space that Julie and her mom had spent countless hours turning into theirs.

“How did you get chairs on the ceiling?! Are you, like, a witch and a siren?!! Man, you and your mom must have made some serious magic in here.”

Luke’s arm shot out faster than lightening to backhand Reggie’s bicep. Reggie cringed away, a soft owww! just barely audible over the loud sigh Alex let out as he buried his face in his hands. Reggie shrugged, looking back and forth between his bandmates before giving Julie a confused yet apologetic glance. What had he said wrong this time? The giggle that bubbled out of her was as unexpected as it was welcomed. Warmth blazed in her heart, memories of the time she had spent in here with her mom washing over her with a kind of hazy bliss she hadn’t ever experienced before. She gazed at Reggie, letting that same feeling of motherly love from the night before fill her up. It was all she could do not to react to Luke’s jaw dropping when she gave Reggie a soft smile.

“We did. We made so much magic in here.”

The words were gentle and filled with a kind of genuine love that overshadowed all other feelings of awkward nervousness. Alex and Luke relaxed instantly, Reggie’s face losing all traces of uncertainty as he beamed at her with a smile so large it almost looked painful. Julie couldn’t help but let herself return it, just a little bit. The silence that settled between them was more comfortable, the tense moment from earlier broken. Julie studied the boys in front of her. She hadn’t ever thought of them as friends per se. They knew each other, would say hi if they encountered one another outside the walls of the high school, but at the same time, they didn’t actually know each other. Julie’s little run in with Luke the night before had made that painfully obvious. She wasn’t really sure what to make of them.

“Are you guys actually serious about this whole Showcase scheme? Did Luke even tell you about his dumb plan?”

“Hey! That plan is genius. Even your dad agreed. He seems pretty cool.”

Julie couldn’t help the fond way she rolled her eyes. Alex was quick to reassure her that they did, in fact, know about the plan.

“Not that I actually think it’s a particularly well thought out plan.” He stated with a lingering glare at Luke’s back.

The planner in question did his best to ignore the skeptical look on Julie’s face.

“Julie, you really don’t deserve to be out of the music program.” Reggie’s voice was soft and sincere. “You have the voice of an angel. If we can help convinced Ms. Harrison and Principal Lessa to give you your spot back it will be so worth it. And even if we don’t, it’ll be worth the looks on their faces when we rock the pants off that crowd!”

Julie laughed in spite of herself, slightly reassured even as she chewed nervously on her lip. Luke took a few bouncy steps forward, pulling her attention to him completely. His eyes locked on hers and she was sure she was drowning, throat tightening at the look he was giving her.

“You got this. I wouldn’t have come up with this idea if I didn’t believe it 100%.”

Honestly, that was what scared her the most about it.

“We don’t even have anything prepared.”

Her voice was barely a whisper, unsteady and wavering. Luke took a few more steps towards her, Reggie and Alex ghosting along silently a few feet behind him. Julie didn’t even notice, so laser focused on the brunette boy in the cut-up tank top in front of her. She watched his muscles flex as he reached into his back pocket, flicking out a piece of folded up paper in a move scarily reminiscent of when he had given her mom’s song back to her. He bit his lip, head ducking a little to be closer to hers as he unfolded the worn sheets of scrappy notebook paper. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, focusing on the messy handwriting in front of her.

“I thought you would say that.”

The smile on his face was so soft and sweet it should have been illegal.

“It’s called ‘Bright’. It’s a Sunset Curve song that we never performed because it’s missing something. Look,” his bare shoulder brushed hers as he shifted to point at the notes, warmth seeping through the thin material of her t-shirt, “it’s perfect for your range. I was thinking, if we add a little bit of piano here and here,” fire blazed a path up her arm as his fingers traced along the opening notes and chorus, forearm flexing against her own, bare skin brushing in teasing licks, “it’ll be perfect.”

Julie forced herself to focus on what he was saying, eyes roving across the paper. She hummed a little under her breath, hearing what he described in her head. His eyes lit up when he saw her get it, feet springing up and down as he dipped even closer towards her and started to sing.

We will rise, through the night

You and I

We will fight to shine together

Bright forever

His voice vibrated in her chest, the sound filling her with an emotion she couldn’t fully identify. Alex and Reggie bobbed along behind him, Reggie’s fingers plucking out the baseline on an invisible guitar while Alex nodded along to an unseen beat. Julie could envision the way the song would sound with a complete band, could practically see herself fitting seamlessly into the mix with her piano and vocals. She couldn’t help the smile that curved her lips as she joined in, reading the lyrics off of the page.

And rise through the night,

You and I

We will fight to shine together

“Go up high.”

Luke cut in, fingers twirling towards the ceiling. Julie automatically made the adjustment in notes to harmonize her voice with his for the last line, holding the final syllable for a beat longer than him.

Bright forever

“Yes!”

Luke’s arm pumped up and down, bicep flexing and distracting Julie momentarily. She dropped her head shyly, trying to hide her blush. When her cheeks cooled a moment later she looked back up at the boy in front of her. His eyes were glowing, smile stretched a mile wide as he stared at her. Unconditional belief in her was practically oozing from his pores. She felt her face soften as their eyes locked, giving him her own sweet smile that was meant just for the two of them. She thanked him with a gentle murmur, heart melting as he simply bit his lower lip and nodded.

A throat cleared in the background, and Julie was snapped out of their private bubble by the sound. Her entire face felt engulfed in flames as she looked over Luke’s shoulder to see Alex and Reggie still standing a few paces behind him. Reggie’s face was bright, his sunshine temperament back in full force. Alex was a little more guarded, but he was giving her an encouraging smile and there was cautious optimism swimming in his sage green eyes as he fiddled with one of his drumsticks. She inhaled deeply and let her breath out in one smooth exhale. The same sort of peacefulness from the night before settled over her.

“Okay. Okay, so we’re doing this.”

Luke’s whoop was so loud both her and Alex jumped. Reggie raced forward with a cheer to sling one arm around Luke’s shoulders and the other around Julie’s, pulling them so close to his chest that their noses nearly touched. Julie saw the blush staining Luke’s cheeks and felt her own warm to match. Alex coughed again.

“Reg, c’mon. Let it settle for just a sec before you go all human octopus on the poor girl.”

“Oh, right! Sorry, Jules!!”

Reggie released both of them quickly. Julie flicked her gaze between the three boys, enjoying the glimpses at their band dynamic. Alex’s words had sounded a bit exasperated, but there was a fondness running through them as well. He gave a half-hearted roll of his eyes at Reggie’s abrupt movements and reached his own long arm out to pull the dark-haired boy close.

“Help me unload the van? I still don’t trust our little Lukey boy with my kit.”

“Hey! That was one time!”

Luke sounded downright offended. The dark look Alex leveled at him in response had Julie choking back a laugh with a badly disguised cough. Clearly once of whatever he did was enough. Luke pouted, arms flexing as they crossed over his chest.

“You put your foot through my bass drum, and you think that isn’t reason enough not to trust you with it ever again?”

Luke sputtered, eyes flicking to Julie and back to Alex as his ears reddened.

“I told you I didn’t see it!”

“It’s the biggest part of the kit, dumbass. Literally the hardest thing to miss.”

Alex’s voice was as unimpressed as it was dismissive. Luke threw his hands in the air as the other boys headed out of the studio, laughing amongst themselves. It was clear this was a regular argument between the two, no heat or anger left in it, only a loving sort of tease. Like the way Carlos still brought up that time she accidentally gave him a concussion double-bouncing him off of their neighbor’s trampoline when he wanted something from her. Or the way her Tía would still laugh as she remembered the time her mom had almost gotten them both arrested for a bar fight on her 21st birthday, Ray affectionately filling in the parts that she tried to leave out. Warmth bloomed in her chest. This wasn’t just a band, wasn’t just a ragtag trio of friends. These guys were brothers. This was a family. And they were letting her into that intimate circle.

The thought was both humbling and nerve-wracking. This Showcase was a big deal. It wasn’t just some school assignment. This could impact their future as a band career-wise. They were all trusting her with this, fully believing in her, or at least, fully believing in Luke’s faith in her abilities. She wasn’t sure anyone had ever believed in her like that. Not anyone that hadn’t known her since she was in diapers. Her head swam, knees feeling a bit weak. She stumbled her way over to the couch, collapsing onto it with a barely audible huff. Luke was in front of her instantly, crouched down so they were face to face. His hands twitched in his lap, but he didn’t reach for her.

“Hey. Julie. Breathe.”

She sucked in a breath, zeroing in on nothing more than his face. After a few seconds she realized he was breathing in and out slowly, just loud enough for her to hear over the jumble of thoughts running amok in her brain. She matched her own inhales and exhales to his, the room slowly coming back into focus as her head cleared. He gave her one of those soft smiles she was starting to think of as hers.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. But I wouldn’t have stopped you in school if I didn’t think you were gonna rock it. I heard you last night. I listened to you for years before last night.”

His chin dropped in embarrassment for just a second before he pulled his gaze back up to hers. Julie felt like she was on the edge of a cliff. Not for the first time she wished she knew how long this version of Luke had been lurking under the surface. It took everything in her not to let herself step off that ledge and fall.

“Music is in your soul. It’s a part of you. Not everyone is like that, but you are. Your life without music...”

He tapered off like the thought was physically painful to him, eyebrows furrowing in a slight wince.

“Living without music would be like living in a world without stars: dark and empty and uninspired. You deserve galaxies, Julie. You deserve the chance to shine exactly like the star you are, and the world deserves the chance to hear you. Please, just...have a little faith?”

She saw it then. As he gazed at her with those bottomless ocean eyes, with that special smile on his lips and sincerity bleeding through every word, she knew. Luke was like her. Luke got it. In a way that no one else except her mom ever had. That’s what this was. They were kindred spirits, two sides of the same coin. And that feeling? The wind rushing through her hair and stealing her breath away while her limbs all turned to jelly feeling? That was definitely her falling head over heels off of the cliff and into Luke Patterson completely.

“Okay.”

She breathed out, and his answering smile set off the butterflies she thought had finally left her stomach. He stood up and held a hand out to her, easily pulling her to her feet in one smooth movement.

“You know,” his smile turned rueful, “eventually you’re gonna have to answer one of my questions with something other than ‘okay’. That’s a pretty passive word, and I’m not really a passive type of person. I wanna start hearing some ‘hell yeah’s and ‘awesome’s pretty soon.”

Julie rolled her eyes, moving away from Luke to set up her keyboard. He gave her a bouncy little shrug of his shoulders, and she let the levity of his joke wash over her, releasing the last bit of nerves. She could do this. Luke believed in her. Her mom believed in her. Hell, Alex and Reggie believed in her and she barely even knew them. She could do this, just like her mom had said.

Noise from the other boys making their way up the driveway had her rushing to pull both doors to the studio open so they could haul in Alex’s drum kit. The three of them left together to grab amps and guitars, Julie finishing the rest of the set up in the garage. Before she had time to overthink things or freak out again, they were all settled into their spots and Alex was counting down for their first run through. Fingers against the keys, Julie breathed out, opened her mouth, and began to play.

[rahrahrahweregoingtosmashtheoiks]

Hi!!!

I have a lot to update, just moving is wildly draining so i havent had the headspace to write anything yet.

SO i got the keys a week ago today, and excitedly rocked up with my laptop bag so I could carry on working there for the afternoon. I’m eventually going to make a little video of my progress when I can be bothered to figure out how to use imovie. but i LOVE IT. honestly. i wish id done it sooner in the pandemic, but tbf maybe being alone at that point would have been a bit miserable.

anyway, there was no sofa. and there clearly should have been a sofa. so HMM i called them up and we eventually finally managed to get the sofa delivered on tuesday. but back in time again to friday. after my work day finished, i popped back to grab some essentials, including bedding, and decided to just spend the night there immediately. our current contract doesnt end until the 2nd of dec, but honestly its a hell hole and iM OUT. it was hard to sleep, even with earplugs, because a weird ocd (i have diagnosed ocd i am allowed to say this) thing i have is that i am wildly sensitive to smells, so sleeping in new places is impossible because i can smell them and i cant cope. ANYWAY MORNING CAME, and i got up early to run back to the old place and pack up more stuff. my flatmates mum was coming to help her move her stuff around lunchtime, so i helped her pack up the final lil bits and load the car. THEN an angel twitter friend came by to help me rescue my bookcase from the greenhouse. i didnt really need it in the current flat so i just stored it there to avoid throwing it away, and spiders have taken over, so i didnt dare even open the door. we pulled him out and brushed off the cobwebs and he SEEMED spider free (reader - he was not), so all good. i did ask my guy best friend to help first but he told me spiders were ‘evil monsters’ and refused. rude.

ANYWAY, after doing a few little trips (and hurting my body so much i could barely lift an arm) myself, my moving van came on sunday. i booked a small van, and it was immediately obvious that i had more than a small vans worth of stuff. we can just do two trips :) i smiled at my nice moving man, josef. no we cannot, josef replied. fortunately josef had brought large van anyway so this was a moot point and he didnt even charge me extra in the end. what a great guy. i left him an excellent review. my favourite bit about unpacking josef’s giant van, was that when my bookcase was laid on its side, i was able to see that there WAS in fact a spider attached to my bookcase - he was simply nesting with his eggs under the base! after screaming hysterically, josef loudly asserted THERE WILL BE NO SPIDERS IN MY VAN and grabbed him in his bare hand and hurled him out the door. i bravely removed the eggs myself later. im sorry for separating you from your babies, little one. i feel bad now. but you are hideous and terrifying. this act of valour also featured in josef’s 5 star review.

ANYWAY over the next few days i ordered a little tv table, and both him and my sofa arrived on tuesday. not sure why i expected hermes to deliver me a fully assembled table, but they clearly did not, and i was forced to assemble it myself with a potato peeler in place of a screwdriver. it took like 2 hours, but we got there. the sofa men attached the sofa’s legs in what i would describe as ‘the most manic act of efficiency i have ever seen in my life’. they tag teamed the job in honestly 30 seconds and then sprinted out of the door. bye.

a few days later, after id dug out enough coat hangers, i pulled my jackets out of my laundry basket where id been storing them in transit, and unearthed yet another spider. this one was the daddy long legs variety which i am sliightly less scared of, so i managed to capture him and gently release him outside, whispering ‘goodbye angel’ as my upstairs neighbours stared at me out of their window, as they do every time i open the door. they had a SCREAMING row last night and i actually considered calling the police. i definitely will if i hear them again. i couldnt make out words but it was loud enough to wake me up at 2am, and he was RAGING. it was quite scary. and she was screaming and crying. and there were multiple loud bangs that i *think* were them slamming doors, but they could have been throwing things which i why i considered the police in case she was hurt. so maybe il keep an eye out for her over the weekend..

anyway. a few other things happened, i hosted a failed work movie night, me and Sofie netflix partied Holidate, which is godawful, and now i am on my first standard class train in 5 years because i spent all my money on rent. it’s my grandads funeral today im giving the eulogy. i currently think il be fine, but my emotions are a law unto themselves so i guess we’ll find out at 12!!! this train has no freebies or wifi, so im using my phones hotspot. i also have my normal sized suitcase inside of a giant one i borrowed from my parents when i first moved to london like 5 years ago because its the size of me and i have nowhere to store it. so i am generously returning it to them. anyway. i have like an hour and a half of this journey left so im going to read my kindle and decide what to have on toast when i get in.

[sweater-weather-seven]

Funny Story Okay

Oh my god. Im sorry for all the people who might have my notifications turned on, because I’ve been spamming with posts all night +_+

I just wanted to explain today has probably been the most interesting, curious, random, and ironic day I have ever had in my entire life. Today has been WEIRD. A customer at my job today asked ME if I needed help getting something off the shelf and I felt like I’d been thrown into a parallel reality and just wtf.

I finished Seven’s route today and boy did I get feels. Excuse me while I go look through the entire 707 tag BYE

Anyway, that was fun! I got mad towards the end because my stupid self didn’t save up enough hour glasses to make every single call like I wanted to. I ended up having to pick and choose between the outgoing calls, which was super freaking hard to do...ugh. And I actually ended up losing 5 hourglasses in the process (MY LAST 5 MIGHT I ADD) because when I went to call Seven, the app glitched on me and closed after the hourglasses were already spent. I WAS SO MAD LMAO BUT IM OVER IT NOW SLDKJFLSJDFLJSFONSDNF BUT ITS WHATEVER NOT LIKE I CARED OR ANYTHING.

Now for the the straight up dumb luck part of my day:

After I finished playing Seven’s route, I didn’t want to start a whole new 11 days because god knows my sleep schedule is all sorts of messed up now and I have a really busy work schedule. I still wanted to play the game though and I remembered I had bought the Christmas DLC from like forever ago and it was only two days worth of chats so I was like “hell yeah lets go!” But by this point it was like 6:30 in the evening and so when I started the DLC, I missed all the first days chats except like 3. But I told myself, eh, just keep going, it’s christmas, how much of a bad ending can you get? Like? So I hella flirted with Seven and Jaehee both in the last three chats for the day, and I wondered if because I had more Seven hearts than anyone else, I would end up his route. Well, I sort of checked ahead to see what chats would pop up the next day using a guide, and they didn’t start until like 5 or 6 in the afternoon the next day. So I figured i’d either have to wait to see if I made his route. But then a chat popped up like right after 12 am and I was SUPER CONFUSED. Like okay? I thought maybe I got Jaehee’s route or a bad ending-

YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING GOT

UN FUCKING KNOWN

ON PURE ACCIDENT

I- didn’t even know you could get his route? Like sure enough, i checked the guide, and apparently I missed just enough chats and gave just the right answers to get Saeran’s route. LMAO I GOT ONE OF MY FAVS ON ACCIDENT YALL

I feel proud of myself but also as I have no life. God.

NOBODY TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS IN THE CHRISTMAS DLC WITH SAERAN PLS I WANT TO FIND OUT FOR MYSELF <3

And that’s that. :) It’s been A DAY.

Goodnight lovlies~!

[cancatervation]

favourite music 2017

The affording of enormous weight to barely concealed fragility and vulnerability; when I pore over the contents of my iTunes from the last twelve or so months it’s plainly apparent that this is the hill I’ve elected to die on. Almost all the albums I found myself infatuated with at some point or another in 2017 meditated upon desire, the transience of romance, and the anguish that often accompanies its pursuit.

I’m acutely aware of how oddly this contrasts with my own life, which for the past almost-two-years has been romantically fulfilling in the way that my previous 25 absolutely weren’t. On this, I would say two things. First, that stability is elusive even (maybe especially?) for the most outwardly rose-coloured of us, and that maintaining relationship hygge takes compromise and is not easy, and for those reasons feelings of vulnerability are never far from the front of my mind; and, second, that it’s testament to the skill of certain songwriters and performers that their work was able to make this gay-ass conventionalist really feel something every now and again last year.

I wouldn’t want to suggest that I only just worked out that the theatrical presentation of desire is something I’m drawn to, but certainly there were some things in the past year that I really did begin to understand. Theatricality is often used in a critical sense as pejorative; something that is too extra, that goes too far, that is all tell and no show. Despite its predisposition towards excess, musical theatre has, for instance, always played out as sterile and spurious to me. (Sorry. And look at it this way, you don’t ever need to worry about getting me tickets to Hamilton). It’s so dramatic that it becomes too dramatic; your self-awareness isn’t allowed the chance to be suspended, even for a moment. An album like Lorde’s Melodrama makes its intentions apparent before you’ve even heard a note of it, but its theatrics (and there are many - think of the wailed chorus of “Writer In The Dark”, the gory car crash of “Homemade Dynamite”, the bridge in “Supercut” that accelerates like you’re on a bike rushing down a hill) are as easily consumed by sitting silently in tears as they are dancing, or walking, or lifting heavy weights, or running up a hill (to make or not to make a deal with God), or lying in blissful supta baddha konasana. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that hyperemotional vulnerability is for all seasons and for all hours of the day and I am now happy to welcome it into every aspect of my life.

I wrote over fifty blurbs for various songs on the Singles Jukebox last year. Some I loved, some I hated, what’s new. I wrote a blurb for “Praying”, Kesha’s first solo single in nearly five years, which turned out to be both the highest scoring song on the site for 2017 and the champion of my personal “list”. I sort of said all this already on the Jukebox, but my love for “Praying” lies nearly entirely in the way Kesha leans so heavily into her aphorisms, finding new ways to bring profundity to ostensibly simple lines like “I’m proud of who I am”. (Contrast this with most of Taylor Swift’s 2017 work, which forewent specific detail in favour of portentously loaded maxim, but forgot about nuance and came up mostly dry). When Kesha punctuates her sermon with a thunderous kick drum, it’s basically game over. As the stories of survivors of sexual assault, abuse and harassment began to dominate news media in the second half of the year, the song only gathered further resonance.  

Lorde’s album held court as my favourite for most of the year. A promo image released by Kelela at the beginning of August threatened a coup. The odds shortened a few days later upon the release of its lead single and the arrival of the full album at the beginning of October marked the tangible takeover. Take Me Apart is all juxtaposition, which when applied to albums is often code for jumbled quagmire, but here there’s too much attention to detail, steadfastness of narrative, and, er, feeling, to get mixed up in anything like that. It see-saws between playful flirting, introspection, self-acceptance, control, loss of control, falling slowly through the sky, and falling fast through the abyss. I love it so much. It’s also very queer and very Black. Support Black queer art! Especially when it’s this well crafted.

Aside from all THAT, my favourite things in music last year were Moses Sumney’s Tiny Desk Concert, attending the Lorde show in the Botanic Gardens,  the line “every single day I fight another war; every single night I feel more powerful!” in Rina Sawayama’s “Take Me As I Am”, and Rihanna telling Diplo his music sounded like a “a reggae song at an airport”.

My ten favourite songs of 2017 were:

1. Kesha “Praying” - as above and here;

2. Lorde “Green Light” - see here. The score given, however, is wrong. Add another point.

3. Sigrid “Strangers” - see here. I can’t wait until she’s everywhere and everyone knows her; her potential to me scans as “unlimited / infinite / fucking enormous, if it must be quantifiable”.

4. MUNA “I Know a Place”. The album version is acceptable but I’m also partial to this live one, which involves some changes to the lyrics.

5. Tove Lo “Disco Tits”. Like a wonky, filthy Kylie B-side played underwater.

6. Kelela “Turn To Dust”. Refer also to the first set of songs below. She didn’t play this at her concert this week, which is lucky, because otherwise its title may have proved prophetic.

7. Nilüfer Yanya “Baby Luv” - see here. See also dirgey diatribe above re: vulnerability.

8. Rae Morris “Do It” - I’ve become more and more besotted with this as time has passed and am not sure whether I’m most impressed by a) the wordplay b) the ping-ponging percussion in the second verse c) the subtle yet giant switch-up halfway through d) the soaring vocals or e) managing all of the above in less than 3 and a half minutes.

9. Rina Sawayama “Alterlife” - it did not take me long to request for lamination of a stan card for a popstar who loves key changes and here deftly incorporates influences as diverse as the Need For Speed soundtrack, Samantha Mumba and Madonna at her glassiest.

10. Tove Styrke “Mistakes” - see here. I’m ready for her to run away with 2018, in or out of a wedding dress.

Aside from those, here are some other songs I enjoyed in 2017, variously categorised and (with the “top 10″) collected in a Spotify playlist, located here:

Songs that can make you feel like you’re floating slowly heavenward

Björk “Arisen My Senses”

Charli XCX “Track 10”

Julie Byrne “Natural Blue”

Julien Baker “Appointments”

Moses Sumney “Quarrel”

Rae Morris “Do It (Nico Muhly Dance Remix)”

Sampha “(No One Knows Me) Like The Piano”

Sevdaliza “Loves Way”

Slowdive “Slomo”

St. Vincent “Slow Disco”

Susanne Sundfør “Undercover”

Dance music that I barely pay any attention to throughout the calendar year and then become unusually enthusiastic about come end-of-year-list season

Bicep “Vale”

Gerd Janson x Shan "Surrender”

Honey Dijon “Catch The Beat”

Jad & The “Strings That Never Win”

Kink “Perth”

Minor Science “Volumes”

Octo Octa “Adrift (Avalon Emerson’s Furiously Awake Version)”

Shanti Celeste “Make Time”

SW. “Untitled B2”

The xx “On Hold (Jamie xx Remix)”

Yaeji “Raingurl”

Songs for the summer gloaming

Charlotte Day Wilson “Doubt”

Daniel Caesar “Blessed”

Frank Ocean “Chanel”

Jessie Ware “Stay Awake, Wait For Me”

Ladi6 “Guru”

Rachel Foxx “Happen To Me”

Sampa The Great “Bye River”

Sevyn Streeter “Before I Do”

Syd “Body”

Tyler, The Creator “Garden Shed feat. Estelle”

Plaintive songs for grey afternoon walks

Alvvays “Dreams Tonite”

Amandla Stenberg “Let My Baby Stay”

HAIM “You Never Knew”

Kehlani “Advice”

Khalid “Winter”

Lana Del Rey “Love”

Laura Marling “Next Time”

Paramore “Forgiveness”

Perfume Genius “Die 4 You”

St. Vincent “Happy Birthday, Johnny”

SZA “Prom”

Taylor Swift “New Year’s Day”

Best bangers

Amber Mark “Heatwave”

Charli XCX “Lipgloss feat. Cupcakke”

Charli XCX “Porsche feat. MØ”

Charlotte Gainsbourg “Deadly Valentine”

Charly Bliss “Glitter”

Drake “Get It Together feat. Jorja Smith & Black Coffee”

Dua Lipa “New Rules”

Haiku Hands “Not About You”

Ibibio Sound Machine “Give Me A Reason”

ionnalee “Samaritan”

J. Balvin x Willy William “Mi Gente feat. Beyoncé”

J. Hus “Did You See”

Jessie Ware “Your Domino”

Jorja Smith x Preditah “On My Mind”

Kah-Lo “Fasta”

Kelela “Truth Or Dare”

Kendrick Lamar “LOYALTY. feat. Rihanna”

Kllo “Last Yearn”

Leikeli47 “Miss Me”

Lorde “Sober”

Maliibu Miitch “4AM”

Miguel “Banana Clip”

Nite Jewel “2 Good 2 Be True”

Paramore “Hard Times”

Phoenix “J-Boy”

Rina Sawayama “Take Me As I Am”

Ronika “Better Than Ever”

Rose Elinor Dougall “All At Once”

Sigrid “Don’t Kill My Vibe”

Stormzy “Big For Your Boots”

The Horrors “Something To Remember Me By”

Tove Lo “Shedontknowbutsheknows”

Whethan “love gang feat. Charli XCX”

Wolf Alice “Don’t Delete The Kisses”

Finally, here are thirty albums I loved last year. Onwards and upwards!

1. Kelela Take Me Apart

2. Lorde Melodrama

3. SZA Ctrl

4. Fever Ray Plunge

5. Charly Bliss Guppy

6. Wolf Alice Visions Of A Life

7. Rina Sawayama RINA

8. Jessie Ware Glasshouse

9. Tove Lo Blue Lips

10. Charli XCX Pop 2

11. MUNA about u

12. Moses Sumney Aromanticism

13. Sevdaliza ISON

14. St Vincent MASSEDUCTION

15. Susanne Sundfør Music For People In Trouble

16. Ibeyi Ash

17. Sampa The Great Birds & The Bee9

18. Kink Playground

19. Daniel Caesar Freudian

20. Bicep Bicep

21. Sophia Kennedy - Sophia Kennedy

22. Miguel War & Leisure

23. Laura Marling Semper Femina

24. Ibibio Sound Machine Uyai

25. Jen Cloher Jen Cloher

26. Dua Lipa Dua Lipa

27. The xx I See You

28. Honey Dijon The Best Of Both Worlds

29. Kesha Rainbow

30. Leikeli47 Wash & Set

[shushnothing]

Idk

I've known A. for about 3 or 4 years. There's always been sexual tension between us but I accepted he was just a friend a long time ago because I saw him as moody, rude, and selfish. He has good qualities too though like being stoic, artistic, and friendly. I do like that when we argued in the past I was REALLY saying what I thought instead of shrugging it off. But our arguments never got anywhere, ever. He never talks to me outside of when we hang out in person, and if he does its through my best friend. He messages her all the time and the message is supposed to get conveyed to me because her and I are usually together. Mentioning this for important reasons. We've all hung out for years and although I haven't explicitly stated my disinterest in him I felt it was just kind of obvious. I never ask him to hang out anymore, I don't play around with him, its just... chill. So WHY all of a sudden was he trying to take me on an actual date the other night, and without explicitly saying so? He was trying to buy my dinner without asking me first, he had us (me, my bff, and her bf...really they're both my bffs but I digress) all go to Vintage Stock and then Half Price and I went and waited in the car with BFF because I bought my own dinner (I ordered broccoli because it was a cheap a la carte item I liked. Mentioning that for a reason too.) And then there was something about a bar and I'm in the backseat dying because I was already so tired and almost didnt even come back to BFFs that day, and I had to be at work at 5 AM the following morning, so I finally speak up after feeling fucking ANXIOUS all night and was like "NO I don't WANT to go to the bar I have work at 5" and I had a 30 min drive home on top of that, on top of it already being 10:00 at night. I'm old, I need my sleep. Anyway we get back to the house and immediately I'm like "BYE GUYS" which I thought was fine, hopped in the whip and left. And apparently A didnt like that because he asked my BFFs why I left like that, and come to find out had brought me things from the CBD shop he works at. And you know most normal people would just be like "What, its FINE, hes just this and that" but I'm a highly anxious person. I have been single really most all of my life. I don't receive well. And all I was asking for is a little communication, which I feel like if you like me, should not make me feel like I'm asking for a lot. I would like someone to ask to take me to dinner, to listen to me, understand me. I understand guys are shy, nobody wants to be rejected, but in A's case I left and apparently hes like "Why whenever we go out does she not order anything, its weird, why did she leave like that, I was nice the whole time?" And that makes me REEL because youd fucking know if youd ever have a conversation with me. Because nobody will understand why I think all this covertness and sudden 180 of behavior is a power play. People want control, that's natural, but you don't just assume things like buying someone's dinner. And after I left he was telling BFF how the CBD shop is on the South side by section 8 housing and "I wouldn't want her down there", and I'm rolling my eyes because I have friends who live in section 8 housing. Section 8 and/or impoverished doesn't mean dangerous, especially at like 3 in the afternoon. Anyway I know people will just hear me and say I'm ungrateful so I didn't even bother bringing this up with BFF. They dont get it and I'm not going to explain. I just wish it was understood that a lot of my anxiety comes from not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings and wanting to make everyone happy or compromise with everyone and when I do that (granted my version of it) I get criticized. I didn't want him buying me dinner because I don't trust him, I don't trust he actually likes me I think he just can't fathom me not liking him because he's full of himself (re: insecure, which no judgment still). Ok he does like me but I don't see him like that anymore and I also don't understand why all of a sudden (seriously, I haven't seen him in 7 months) he's buying us things and inviting us to his friend's opening (which we missed, again because he said "Around 7:45" and didnt mention we would need to meet him at the door so he could get us in.) Its just... idk.

[erinelezabeth920]

Day 7 – The Fourth

The Fourth of July was a strange day, full of ups and downs. The morning started off beautifully. The sun filtered in through the window and I more energy than I had before the hospital. I was skipping my clinic work that morning and just easing myself into the program schedule by planning to attend Spanish class in the afternoon. Instead, I listened to The Lumineers, painted my nails, and ate a breakfast that Monica brought me of tea, bread, pineapple and watermelon. It was delicious. I organized my new room, messaged a few friends and laid on the bed for a while, trying to read. I still felt very weak; it was difficult to be active for long periods of time. I tried to avoid scolling the slow-loading internet. Holidays plus boredom plus internet when you’re travelling are a dangerous combination, as I know from past experiences (ie thank goodness I decided to go out on Christmas in Thailand two years ago and get drunk with some Brits. RIP world cup friends). I did see a few posts though; fireworks, parties, floating, beers etc. I knew Andy was having a party with some friends. I tried not to think about it. At 12 pm I got dressed, gingerly walked downstairs, petted the dogs and walked outside. The noon equator sun was hot, but I felt energized walking down the street for the first time in days. I stopped by Panderia Miraflores, the little bakery near my house to get a pastry. The bus (SUR OCCIDENTAL) wasn’t crowded and I could actually sit down. Riding through the street around lunch time, there were vendors everywhere with bananas, empanadas, oranges, meat stick things, and all sorts of else. (Fun fact; in Ecuador, roasted guinea pig is very popular. It still looks just like the animal, head and all, spinning on a stick over coals. Have yet to try…)

But the other food looked good. Specifically empanadas. I looked for some on the way down Avenida Amazones (the large north-south running avenue I walk down about 10 minutes to get to the Spanish school), but no dice. I headed into the school. A few folks were already there. They looked thrilled to see me (“Lizzy!”) and gave me huge hugs. (Other fun fact; I go by Lizzy here. There are two Erins, and in a group of 8 that’s a little tough, so I took the sacrifice. I don’t mind it. I was going to, you know, just re-invent myself completely but then I got sick and threw up for 5 hours straight and was maybe the most vulnerable I’d ever been. Oh well) I sat down, exhausted from the commute, feeling weak and empty. Some others trickled in. Kayla and Erin from my work site showed up; “My other half!” cried Erin and they both hugged me. It was really nice to be greeted so warmly, with such concern from folks I’d only known less than a week, having missed some bonding experiences during the hospital. Shared experiences make fast friends. I then met my Spanish teacher, whose name is Irma. We have one-on-one Spanish lessons three times a week for 3 or 4 hours each day, to meet the needs of all the different levels. Its honestly incredible. Irma was a straight hoot, lighter skin and short hair. In two short hours she knew most of my life, how I had met Andy, places I had lived, and that I don’t like to cook. At one point I even had Google maps open, showing her the layout of Seattle, and pictures of Pike Place. When she asked what kind of music I liked, I responded country because it was the easiest thing in the moment to say. She asked me to name an artist. For some unknown reason I said Dierks Bentley, so we spent the next 10 minutes google you-tube videos of Dierks Bentley. It was about as close to a 4th of July celebration as I got. The lesson ended with me trying to explain the app “Bumble” (she had asked how I met my boyfriend, to which I responded “telefono…”, and she said “cual applicacion?” and I said Bumble because I did not feel like translating Coffee Meets Bagel into Spanish.) I tried to explain the concept, “los mujeres hablan PRIMERO porque los hombros son muy malo…” etc. She finally understood and was very intrigued, asking if there was Bumble in Ecuador. I told her I didn’t know.

By that point it was 5:30. Class had started at 1:30. I was pure exhaustion. Go from hospital one day to a four hour intensive Spanish class the next day and see how you feel. I said bye to Irma and everyone and weakly walked out the door. I wanted to walk home; I wanted some energy in my body so I would sleep well, but crossing the big intersection past the park I got turned around. It was starting to get dark and I was exhausted, sad, a little nauseous, and probably also very hungry now that I’m writing this. Eventually I found a bus (SUR OCCIDENTAL) and got home. I laid on my bed, feeling sad. I scrolled through Facebook and Instagram, a terrible idea but I did it anyway. I wanted to talk to someone, but who I am going to call with my travel lonliness when everyone is off having fun? My parents and brother were sailing our boat. I wanted to message Andy but he was cooking for friends. Everyone was having parties and I was sick, sad in South America. Or so it felt like.

Finally, Monica called me down to dinner. Hernando sat next to me. It felt nice, to be in a warm kitchen with the radio playing and dogs milling about. It helped unstick me from my funk. Monica served me broccoli soup pasta with meat sauce. I don’t even like broccoli, but I ate the soup up, and the pasta was the most delicious thing I’d ever tasted. Although I could only eat a little as my stomach was still very small. Primo (I am calling him Primo, which means “cousin” in Spanish because I don’t know his name), came in and sat down. “Where have you been?!” he said in English. “El hospital” I replied, and held my stomach. “Ah,” he said over his white moustache. “You get the revenge.” “Que?” I said. He said some words in Spanish and asked if I understood. I shook my head no. “The revenge,” he said again in English. “There was once an Inca king. You know the Incas?” I nodded. “Atahualpa was his name. Like Montezuma but for Ecuador. Finally one day, the Conquistadors came over the mountains and killed him. The last Inca king. He takes revenge on all the foreigners. You have the revenge.”

“Creo.” I said solemnly.  I believe it.

After dinner I felt nauseous, had to lie down for a while trying not to throw up the first real meal I’d eaten in 4 days. I listened to my audio book. It was one of those nights that you just need to ride out, waiting for the dawn. 

I think that sometimes with traveling I am afraid to feel vulnerable. I have this image of myself I want to uphold; fun, wordly, carefree. I am afraid to cry while Face-timing my boyfriend; that is not my image of a strong independent adventurous woman. I am afraid to feel beaten, if only temporarily, afraid to admit the difficulties, the homesickness, the fomo of scrolling through Instagram and seeing all the 4th of July parties, feeling very alone. But, the older I get the more I understand that vulnerability is strength. That admitting when things are hard is bravery. That pushing through, seeing the beauty in the weakest moments, appreciating the little things in ways we never did before is the joy of stepping outside of our comfort zones. The intense privilege to sit at another family’s table, on the other side of the globe and drink their tea, hear their conversations. To see the lines clearly, the colors deep and rich contrasted with the dulls and greys. Like the beauty of a sunset reflecting off a snowcapped peak, sending into the air just a little bit of a taste of home; a smaller world under one wide sky.

[mynumberonelover]

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My orgasms are better than they were. Unbelievably, they were better. And I would like to thank India Herbs for this wonderful product. Thank you. Robert M. - Canada Hi, my name is Cartiqueyane. I took your Kama Raja pills for six months and I saw an improvement in my semen count. Earlier, it was 12 million now it is 30 million. I did not see much improvement in my erectile dysfunction but I saw improvement in my semen count, sperm count. Thank you, bye. Cartiqueyane B - USA Yes, my name is Garry. I like to leave my testimonial for Ayurstate and for Kama Raja. The first is for Ayurstate, I only used Ayurstate for one month, and due to financial difficulties, I had to discontinue it. And what I noticed was not neccessarily what it did, but what happened after I discontinued it, is some of my symptoms came back. And basically like having to stand when you get up in the morning at the urinal for a couple of seconds before a flow can begin. So, that was a thing that I noticed was again what happened when I stopped taking the product. The second one is for Kama Raja, that too is a multi-symptom occurrances that came back when I stop taking the product and the main things that I noticed were lack of libido and shrinking tissues or the size of the penis. So I am really happy that I am able to...at this time re-order the material. And this time I ordered two boxes at a time and will give my very best to make sure I'll take it for four consecutive months. I'd like to see a real marking and difference. I hope this is sufficient. So I really look forward to taking these for at least 3 months or 4 months. Thank you and have a nice day! Garry (age 63) - Florida, USA Hi, this is Eric. I just ordered my next lot of Ayurtox and Kama Raja - 4 boxes each. And I'm very pleased with both of them, thank you very much! I noticed the difference especially with the Kama Raja right away. I am also doing the exercises with the Kama Yogi book that I bought last time. The Ayurtox is an ongoing thing but I noticed that it flushes me out quite efficiently - obviously I've been going. I haven't ordered recently. I have been out for about a month but I want to get back to it again because I miss the both of these supplements and I really enjoy using them. And I'm glad you've made them into a ... and I'm also a big fan of Ayurveda on its own as well anyways. But I'm glad you guys are out there doing this stuff and I discovered you on the web which is a wonderful resource for us all I think. I really like being able to continue my custom with you by way of the web as it is. So I hope you stay in business for a long time and I'll be reordering as time requires. Thank you so much. Bye bye. Eric (age 58) - Georgia, USA I am Doctor J, I have to admit that my original problem, if there is one, is simply hey... I wanna maximize my potential sexually. And, I have been taking the supplements about six months. During that time of course Kama Raja, and it's really been outstanding. It has certainly elevated my sexual drive and I thought I was okay anyway, but hey it has improved all the way around including my sexual pleasure with my wife, and it has certainly hardened and prolonged my erections, and it has improved my ejaculation control, and it has increased my seminal output, both during foreplay as well as the ejaculation, and it has certainly intensified my orgasms. Now ummm .. I don't how it does it, but let me just tell you this, that I can feel it. I mean, there is no doubt in my mind, it has increased my libido, and it has enhanced energy to warm the loins. I can feel it. I mean, when I am between my wife's legs, you can feel that warmth of the loins and calms my mind, so that I can advert premature ejaculations. So, it's a great product, and I highly recommend it. Thomas (age 56) - Ohio, USA Hi, my name is Roger from Sydney Australia. I've started using the product Kama Raja, stumbled across it on the internet, cause I am looking for some type of herbal supplements to help improve my stamina. I was actually having some problems maintaining an erection while love making with my partner, and was very embarrassing and very frustrating because I still have desire, but simply couldn't perform. So needless to say, this caused me a lot of anxiety and my partner as well. So I eventually found Kama Raja and decided to give it a try. And I used Kama Raja for few months, and what i did know there was no sort of thunder and lightning type of effects, it was very subtle, but it has definitely very noticeable effect, and i have no any problems with erection or anything like that since I started taking Kama Raja, so for me, it's proved positive that the product actually works. Thank you. Roger (age 52) - Sydney, Australia Hello, my name is Rollington. I am 60 years old. For quite some time, I was suffering from a weak erection. I tried just one or two enhanced products but they gave me headache. One night while I was searching the Internet for some assistance with my sex life, I came across Kama Raja. So I decided to give it a try. I ordered 6 boxes. After intake of the first 1 month, I noticed my erection bega0n to get firm. By the time I took 4 months, I was like when I was in my 40's. After completion of the 6 boxes, I decided to order another 6 boxes. To any young man or gal, wanting an improvement you can order Kama Raja. Thank you. Rollington (age 60) - Bahamas Yes, I want to report that Kama Raja is a very effective natural herbs. That's were, at least, it's really helped me and my sexual activity performance. It also helps my whole body. It helps me to relax, one of the best things that I ever had, because I am always tensed and a lot of activity. My mind is completely occupied so much with so many details. And it relaxed my mind. It relaxed my body. It just makes me feel as if I had my youth back again. I will suggest this product to be used by any man that is experiencing some slow down in sexual performance, because it really does make you feel young again. It's a complete herbal attitude to your body. It does not just help you sexually, but it helps your whole body. It helps to meet the need to relax on the daily basis. And I feel like I am all confident to always to be ready when there is a need for sexual activity. And, thank you so much for this product. Harold (age 58) - Texas, USA Hi, Good Day. This is Sylvester. Living in the United States. I bought the Ayurstate, the Kama Raja and the Sukraja and all three products are very very good. Before I started using it I have problems with my prostate. The products are excellent. I will recommend anyone for these products. This is not a joke testimony and I'm telling you exactly how it works for me. Very good. Actually I just reordered. I just made an order and reordered more stuff. The same set I ordered I reordered it plus two other sets, the detox and the Cardiofy for the heart and Yogic Slim. Since these products are so good I ordered more other stuffs to check it out and as always give a testimonial on the other stuffs when I try it. But so far, it's very very good. I'll recommend anyone to get it. So thanks a lot and I'll keep you all informed or you could give me a call putting in to this testimonial. Thank you and Bye. Sylvester (age 52) - New York, USA Ya I'm Dharmendra speaking from Doha, Qatar. Regarding I was having a problem of sperm count and the mortality. And I was depressed and I was doing medicine for 3 years. None of the medicine helped me. Then suddenly i went in the computer and I check on the site for mortality improvement and the sperm count increment. And I found the Sukraja and the Kama Raja. Then I ordered the medicine from Singapore and it helped me. After taking it for 1 month, my sperm count increased to 26 millions, before it was only 4 millions. And while taking this Sukraja and Kama raja, I have no side effects. And it is very good supplement and I have a 6-month course and I believe it will improve my mortality also. And it is very good medicine I have found. It is totally herbal so there is no side effect from Sukraja or Kama Raja. Very good supplement. Thank you very much and I am very happy with these two medicines. Thank you. Dharmendra - Doha, Qatar My name is James. I've been taking Kama Raja for about 2 years. I find Kama Raja to be a very good supplement because it gives me an overall feeling of well being. I notice that I have no joint pains or body aches while taking Kama Raja. Kama Raja has given me the ability to last longer in my sexual encounters - sometimes as much as 1 hour! I ran out of Kama Raja in August. And I could feel the difference in my performance. I am ordering a 6 month supply of Kama Raja as I do not want to run out of it again. Kama Raja works well for me. And I would recommend this supplement to anyone who are having not only sexual problems but for a feeling of overall well-being generally. Thank you! Bye. James (age 62) - Florida, USA Phillip, I've used the India Herbs product for four months, and have seen extreme results. Before, I was having problems with both maintaining and performing. And, in the first month, seen results in both areas. By the second month, I started to see probably 20 to 25 percent more improvement. By the third month, was having very little problem. And, by the fourth month, things are definitely a lot better. I have placed another six months supply. And will continue to probably use this product for the rest of my life. I'm very thankful for the India Herbs product, for the product that (they performed), they produced. Thank you. Philip (age 42) - Alabama, USA Kama Raja and Sukraja customer since 2007: Yeah my name is Robert. Just started using Sukraja. Been feeling really fatigued and tired when I wake up. And I take it in the morning and I take it mid-day. Sometimes I'll take one before bed. And the energizing effect is amazing! Boosts sexual function and libido and sperm count. It's the best supplement out there. Nothing in America can touch it! That's why I keep ordering from India Herbs. Good luck with your progress and I know I'll be a lifelong customer. Thank you. Robert (age 33) - California, USA Hiya, my name is Greg. I have been using Kama Raja for about two months now. I have seen some improvement with my sexual potency. I am incredible believe ah... with continued used I will get the result that I am seeking half and then there is ah..one of the percent potency. I am pleased with the product up to this point, and I planned to used until I get the result that I am seeking, which I am confident will count soon. if there is any question, can give me a call. Thanks Gregory (age 50) - Texas, USA Hi, this is George. I have been taking Kama Raja for about two months now. I have been experiencing low sex drive and weak erections. After taking it for a little over month and a half, my sexual drive has increased, my erections have firmed up a little bit, my orgasms have intensified. The products are good, I enjoy taking them, and I look forward to getting more products in the future. Thank you. George (age 50) - Florida, USA Chester, I have been using Kama Raja for 11 months. For the first three, four, five months, I have seen a great improvement. Since then, I have seen gradually improvement in five months itself more. Prior to that time, I had practically no erection. Now, I have regular erection, and my penis also had increased in size. And I think it helps my neck stiffness also. So, I am pleased with it, my age is sixty plus, so I am pleased with it, it has no side effects. Thank you very much. Bye bye. Chester (age 72) - Maryland, USA My name is Bob, and I have successfully used Immunice, Ayurstate and Kama Raja, and have found each product to be, as they said it was, to my satisfaction. My cholesterol has been lowered significantly. My overall health has been tremendous, sexual health has improved dramatically, and this has been from taking the products for going on five months now. And I look forward to using those products continually in the future. Thank you. Robert (age 58) - Michigan, USA Hi my name is John. I am a taker of your product called Kama Raja. And it has been a wonderful product for me! I am an older man. And it has boosted my virility and so it makes me feel like a little bit younger. So I have been very pleased with your product and I will continue taking it for a long time! I thank you for your product and I am very pleased with it. Thank you so much! Bye bye. John (age 61) - California, USA Interview with Gobalan - Malaysia: Yeah, this Winchester from Japan, that is where I am living. I think every human being or a man, because of the man, I would say man needs some natural herbs that would keep the body strong and keep seeing or moving very well. I am talking about the Sherpa Strength, if I am talking about the Sherpa Strength then; it means you need some natural herbs that make you moved, although you're growing, although your age is increasing. And I came across this company called India Herbs, I really, really appreciate this company. I really loved it and they really have all these good natural herbs in their stuffs, they have all these plantations that really make me choose them. So I try to order two boxes of Kama Raja for male virility, that was really perfect choice, it's really, really tremendous. If I would say, it was good, there are no side effects. You know it's really keep me eat, I can see some improvement in my ejaculation control, it increases...my stamina to improve, it increases my sexual pleasure. It makes me, you know love to have sex. As a man, you need to know! So I really love this medicine, and thank you very much, having these perfect natural herbs. And I think any man can try it, there is no bad, for sure, it's really, really tremendous and perfect medicine. Thank you. Winchester (age 31) - Konganei, Japan Hello, my name is Ricardo. I would like to recommend all my friends for kama Raja. I have been taking this product for..a month, and then this helping me... alot. I feel better erection and the ejaculation not too soon. So I am ordering a new..a new order for..you know..complete my treatment, and keep going get better. so..I have been suffering from erection, discomfort. But now I doing better, so I strongly recommend it for those man to take this medicine and get better. Thank you. Ricardo (age 52) - California, USA My name is Jim and I've been using this [Kama Raja] for a little over a month. And all I was looking for was just an increased desire and function - I guess. More of an enhancement. And it certainly has done that. I would recommend it to anybody. It's a good product. I've never had anything like it. Thank you. Jim (age 36) - Texas, USA Yes, this is Virgil from Kansas and I am 66 years old male. I have been taking the Kama Raja for approximately four months. It has increased my erections tremendously. And at the very end, everything is much, much better and very much longer lasting. I would recommend it to anyone. Thank you. Virgil (age 66) - Kansas, USA Hi, good evening, my name is Bradley. I have been using Kama Raja for a month. And I have been very anxious and apprehensive about having sex. And since taking the product, I have noticed a great improvement. I will recommended to anyone. Thank you, have a good day. Bradley (age 43) - Connecticut, USA My name is Daniel. I've been taking Kama Raja for 2 months. Before I took it, I was feeling OK. I'm a diabetic so I feel a little loss of energy. After I started taking it, I felt a lot more energy and more virile. I'm still continuing to take it and Kama Raja has been very good to me! Daniel (age 41) - California, USA Translated from Spanish: My name is Fernando Vazquez. I am a citizen of the Colombian city of Medellin. I am 57 years eh .. I am retired .. eh ... I began to learn the benefits of having the pills Kama Raja through the website of the company India Herbs. Eh .. I was frigid and no intentions toward sex, I began to take Kama Raja and I have noticed from the beginning I felt my legs very hot in comparison with my cold legs I had ... did not have any sensation like that before I had the legs very cold, and I began to warm in between the legs and started to feel some very very slight symptoms in the genitals. And then as I was going through the everyday ingestion of Kama Raja, I was feeling that I was beginning to have a very slight erections. I almost finished the sixth box of Kama Raja and I feel now in a period of four days, every four days feel more powerful erections and I'm taking a strong stimulation my body is reacting to the product. I am very grateful, very happy with the Kama Raja and from there I decide that I am going to repeat it another 6 months. I will do my order of Kama Raja for another time equal to the initial for 6 months, I would combine it with the product Ayurstate to improve my erections. I think this will give me more frequent erections and I won't have to wait every 4 days. I will repeat Kama Raja in order to have more frequent sexual practice thanks to the advice that the team of India Herbs gave me. I can say I am about to improve or to achieve in terms of sensitivity to have erections faster. The other is that the food I eat is a healthy diet and I'm going to do as your advise to avoid to consuming Coca Cola and decrease my liquor consumption. And if I also could get a manual of Yoga exercises, I will do them. The Yoga positions will help to stimulate the genital part. Thank you. Fernando (age 57) - Columbia Translated from Spanish: I feel very well honestly speaking. I think it's the medicine the Ayurstate and Kama Raja and I'm taking, as a matter of fact without any problems, I feel even better.� And this week I'm expecting to finish my treatment, and in one more week I will order for two more months of Kama Raja and Ayurstate. Because I am en elder person and I am more than 60 years old of age and not really use any drugs at all for these kind of problems virility and prostate ... I am using the Ayurstate and Kama Raja, and Well ... I anyway for a long time I have got up once or twice to urinate every night then I thought must be something wrong. I'm part of the medical group, I know about medicine. I know what it is benign prostatic hypertrophy and know what it is to get up two or three times in the night, in any way I always kept myself healthy. I tried always taking another medicine known as the Saw Palmetto that is natural, but as I found on the Internet of Ayurvedic medicines then I changed and decided to go for the Ayurstate and I think this is helping me even better, is helping me to urinate better. I do my own diagnosis [He is a QFB], I keep doing my own analysis of my prostate and is perfectly well and I continue to use the Ayurstate because even I have no problem anymore but i want to avoid future problems. Its true I really feel different, but I had no evident problem but since I'm starting to take the Ayurstate as a prevention these months I've been taken it I feel even better. Well I do not know if I can tell you that I am sexually even better, I feel better because I can't take these drugs such as "Sildenafil Viagra". The truth is that I do not take that and I function very well for my age. Honestly speaking. I take these medicines that I found from the Ayurvedic medicines, because for a long time ago I do transcendental meditation so it is important that meditation is the one that promotes or suggests natural medicines from India in Ayurveda. I am following this I feel good, I'm doing great by buying these two supplements not because I have problems but to prevent them. In my case is different, I'm taking these medicines because I do not want to have them in the future. What I mean is that by starting taking them about two months ago I'm feeling a much better than it was before. And amazing I am 67 years old, and I have knowledge about these topics as the theme. I am familiarized because I'm biochemist, I study these topics and I understand them very well. That's why I got into this matter. I mean, the two supplements Ayurstate and Kama Raja, I will continue with them. I'm spreading the word: since I take these supplements, my situation improved in every way. Sixto (age 67) - Paraguay Translated from Spanish Using Google Translate: Consumer Ayurstate and Kama Raja: Well, actually I can tell you if you ask me what to again is because there is something positive in this, as there is something positive. I can not say one hundred percent, but anyway I think that from what I understand in this is a progressive thing and suddenly I'm still early so, then this is why I've encouraged me to make the following order, because I think that is still missing and, as yet, I repeat no one, no one, no one can see that there is a positive change, if there is a positive change but not total say. I have indications that also take other pills for my age, and hypertensive those things, plus anti-cholesterol and all that stuff, but no, no, no I feel bad I feel better of course and so we are not? I do not know, I am very discreet I am speaking very little so do not think he can help a lot in this, but as I said at the beginning, this uh, there is a positive aid around this and I am grateful and yet I feel that something is still missing, although I do not know, I'm not prepared to give a more detailed testimony of a sudden, more concise or more accurate, but if what I say is what I can do but tell them: yes, yes is helping me but as I say I am a little special circumstances then come after many other things that have been in my life, personal eh, a little, was the loss of loved ones and all those things, I'm a little away of personal activities ... of a man. But nevertheless I say is helping me to say ... to regain that confidence suddenly it throws you into oblivion, and my age do not even think back to these things. I am very happy as I say to that point, up to this limit, say not even all that is not something to take only 2 or 3 months and already feel ok, no?. that's why I've encouraged me to continue this, I think a lot of training and I thank you not?. Jose (age 65) - Argentina I would like to share my experience with this product. When my age reach 50yrs, my sex life started to tame down, even though I wants it, but it didn't work. I have tried some stimulant, it works well but I found it dangerous, worst of all I checked it out I dysfunction. So for almost 2 years, at last I found Kama Raja at your website. After taken for about 2 months I got the feeling that my penis started to' wake up 'and the desire to have sex aroused. So about 4 mths later, my 'small brother' have wake up for about 5 mins and it's make me feel very happy. I would like to continue taken Kama Raja until I really satisfied my desire.. Further more Kama Raja, makes me feel healthy, before that I feel quite lazy and always feel tired, but after taken the supplement I feel like I am 30 yrs younger. Thanks KAMA RAJA, YOU MAKES ME HEALTHY AND FEEL YOUNG. Mahmood I'm sorry that I missed your call just following my first order (Kama Raja). Quite frankly I was a bit stunned when I got your email. How unusual it is for an on-line purchase to receive such courteous and helpful outreach to a new customer. Your interest speaks volumes about the integrity of your company while it also makes me feel good that I choose such a firm to purchase this product. And the fact that you will follow up regarding the efficacy of the treatment is, well, quite amazing. If your products work as well as your customer service then you have a customer for life. I look forward to speaking with you but I'm not the easiest person to connect with as my cell phone is often in the off position. If you have a direct number or extension I would be pleased to reach out to you so you may avoid the annoyance of playing phone tag. Again, my gratitude for your kind interest in my well being. cheers Russ (age 59) - Massachusetts, USA Good morning, my name is Jose from Colombia. I am giving my testimonial to everyone. I have been using Kamaraja and it is a very good supplement, relatively very good in the benefits that you will receive. The supplements are spectacular. I take Ayurstate for the maintenance of the prostate and also Ayurtox for detox. I testify because Ayurveda is the best you can find in the market and does not load the body with chemicals like common drugs do. I thank India Herbs for all their products, I fully trust it and I am happy with the effectivity of ithem. I hope that people will listen to my testimonial and Latinos who have prostate problems or impotence can benefit from it as well. I hope this testimonial will help many men and women. Thank you. Jose - Colombia Hello, my name is Raja and I am currently 51 years of age. About 2 years ago I began noticing that on occasion while making love with my partner, I would lose my erection and could no longer perform, even though I still had the desire to do so. This would occur before ejaculation, and often while my partner was also still full of desire. Well, the alarm bells went off, and I began searching for some kind of aphrodisiac or herbal Vajikarana to restore my once virile nature as well as my self confidence! Fortunately, I chanced upon Kama Raja on the internet, and after reading about the product, I decided to give it a try.. I have been using Kama Raja for the last year or so and I can say with all sincerity, that it has definitely made a difference in my virility and vitality. As with any Ayurvedic remedy, it has to be taken regularly over a period of time to see the results. It is not an instant fix like Viagra or Cialis (although much, much safer!). But if you take it regularly, after a few weeks you will start to notice the changes, and it will make all the difference in your love life! Raja Sydney, Australia It has been great talking to you on the phone a few times. I am actually quite happy with my Prostate Care supplement from India Herbs. But you must know that I was a firm skeptic and a disbeliever when it came to herbal or alternative medicine supplements. I just did not believe they can do the job. But apparently I was mistaken. At India Herbs you have managed over the years with your accumulated experience and also drawing from immense tradition and history of Indian natural remedy and holistic medicine to create unique and very effectively potent products. I congratulate you for this. I think that while the "classic medicine" has powerful effects, the side-effects and the drawbacks are quite heavy to consider. All along India Herbs products are balanced, natural and holistic. For example I used to take for a few months heavy and hard on my stomach antibiotics for my prostate condition - not much significant results other than stomach aches and over all discomfort. Surfing the net for an alternative solution I stumbled upon your web site and decided to try this for once in my life - I order 4 boxes of AyurState Prostate Care and could not have been happier since. Your product actually worked and there were positive results within the first two weeks - the pain disappeared together with many symptoms associated with prostate infection. Thank you India Herbs. Keep up the great research work and your commitments to quality. Marcelus (age 34) Cluj Napoca, Romania Thank you for your email and your follow-up on my progress with the Kama Raja. I am now in my third week. One thing you must know is that I have Parkinson's, therefore erectile dysfunction can be a serious problem. The Kama Raja has helped to reduce my Parkinson's symptoms considerably. This is probably due to the Mucuna Pruriens, which increases the level of dopamine in the brain. My hands are steadier and I also notice that I am more relaxed, have less anxiety, and am more relaxed. These improvements I felt almost immediately upon taking the herbs. So far, the effect on the erectile dysfunction seems to be helping a little bit, but I think it is still too early to tell. My libido has increased, but the performance still hasn't increased. To date, I am very satisfied with the product, and will continue taking it twice a day and hope for continued improvement. Daniel L. I was asked by phone to give a testimonial and am happy to: "After seeing so many commercials and receiving email after email for "the little blue pill" and the like, and reaching the age of 35, I looked into mens' health more and for an all natural supplement to keep me at my peak as I get older. Thankfully, I foundIndia Herbs. I've been taking Kama Raja for over a year now and have nothing but great things to say. As far as sex-drive goes, I feel like I'm eighteen again! I've had no side effects whatsoever and highly recommend the product for any man looking for enhanced sexual pleasure. Their website has all the information you could ask for and India Herbs delivered on their guarantee." Hope it helps and thanks for the great product. Robert Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my testimony with regard to the effectiveness of your products (KAMARAJA) after using it for the first time and only for one month. I have been worried with erectile dysfunction and pre-mature ejaculation before being introduced to the product. Now after using KAMARAJA for less than a month, I have realized wonderful as well as positive result both in erection and even the flow of my sperm. With this, I am strongly recommending the use of the products from India Herbs to whoever with similar problem or anuran urino-genital or otherwise sex-related problem. I thank GOD and I am very grateful to Indian herbs. Thank you Alhaji (age 38) - Selangor, Malaysia I have used Kama Raja for two months and found the stated expectation in the information about Kama Raja to be fairly accurate. In these two months, I have found an increased sensitivity in the sexually sensitive areas. I have found a renewed interest in sex with increased desire. In addition, I find my penis has thickened. The improvement to date has encouraged me sufficiently to reorder. Lynn I ordered Kama Raja for improving the quality of my erections. I took it for about 2 months and found it to be quite useful. I could feel an increase in size of my penis as well the erections were more full bodied. Even after stopping the medicine for the last few months, the improvement is sustainable. Amit Kama Raja has improved my sexual function without side effects. I have more desire, stronger longer erections, and faster recovery now that I take it regularly. In my 50s, I've tried lots of supplements but Kama Raja is by far, my preferred one. Somraj Phone Testimony from John (Age 71): He said Kama Raja is working well. He had an erection problem and now his erection is clearly coming back. He will keep on taking our supplements as long as he can. He does not like to talk a lot and simply gets to the point without offering details. I appreciate the after-sales help, and I know it's early days yet, but I've noticed definite improvements in the sex department. My seminal output seems quite increased and my genital areas seem more sensitive. I just hope this continues and improves further. It's been about a week yet, so I'm currently quite happy. Thought you might appreciate the feedback. Hardial Thank you very much. I have been taking your product (Kama Raja) for about 3 weeks, and it works very well. I regain what I had years ago. My question would be if I have to take this all the time or I should be able to stop at certain point. Please advise, based on others experience, how long I should take this continuously. Regards, Johannes. I bought my husband some Kama Raja a few months ago. It has worked out well for us. If you can get a female sex supplement as good as Kama Raja for men...I will definitely be buying some when its is available. Thank you for your answer so quickly. Julie I have used your product for the last 4 months and have noticed a definite improvement in my seminal output. Up to 4 times as much as previously. Noticed a definite improvement in my sense of wellbeing, skin texture and just the way I look in general. Mike Here I am for a preliminary report: "I find myself in the midst of the 6th. week of my taking faithfully, as prescribed, your product Kama Raja, I have a increase in libido as I may qualify your product now as a aphrodisiac." Eduardo I have been using the product for about 3 weeks and see subtle changes taking place now. I would like to know whether I need to take this with milk or other solution for stronger potency. Please advise. Regards, Nathaniel I have to tell you after 1 month use and starting the 2nd month I have noticed definite increase in sexual desire. I also have greater discharge. I am 47 years old but feel more like in my 20s everyday. Robert I will shortly be placing my 3rd order with you. Kama Raja has met my expectations. How can I sign up to be an affiliate? I would like to recommend it to my friends. Charles The Ayurvedic medicine (Kama Raja) is a slow process, but i can feel the recovery. Let me give a try till the medicine lasts. Thanks once again SM Thank You Paul , I do feel better & will talk to you again soon. Michael C. Translated Using Google Translate: Good Night, We are very pleased to tell you that the REMEDY IS WELL DONE. My wife is pregnant, and she still has half of the last purchased which she hasn't finished yet. Thank you and may god bless for all of your stores. A Big Hug, Sergio - Sao Paulo, Brazil OTHER SUPPLEMENTS • Arthmender - Arthritis • AyurGold - Blood Sugar • AyurH - Hemorrhoid Relief • Ayurstate - Prostate Care • Ayurtox - Body Detox • Cardiofy - Heart Care • ClariMind - Memory • Cosmic Joy - Mood • Immunice - Immunity • Kama Raja - Male Virility • Kama Rani - Female Libido • Mystic Sleep - Insomnia • Radiancio - Beauty • Sherpa Strength - Power • Sukraja - Male Potency • Yogic Slim - Weight Loss • Youtharia - Anti-Aging