#anyways im back to using the binary pen

[incessantlark]

pov: you snag the crazy twink

[alwastakenofc]

RANT INCOMING.

WOWIE ZOWIE it’s a good thing that tumblr keeps u logged in for FOREVER bc i would NOT have remembered that this was my username LMFAOOOO.

anyways !!! i’m just here to rant now to see if it’ll still help me like it used to. just scrolled thru all my personal tagged posts and MAN was i going thru it from 2013-2016 LOL. im glad life is better now. different, but better. me and that guy that i posted abt a lot and would rant abt how he was hanging with that girl all the time broke up in 2016 THANK GOD, that was a sick and toxic and abusive relationship that went way longer than it needed to. i moved back home with my parents and got a few years with both of them before they passed away from different circumstances (fuck alcoholism and fuck cancer). now i live with my roomie/friend and she evicted the other roomie we had that was Toxic As Fuck and a literal Man Child so WAHOO! it’s been nice.

i’m going back to college this year i think, and im both so excited and also Terrified to finish. i only have 1-2 semesters left and then i gotta go get an actual CAREER.

being famous never took off, as expected LMFAO. i don’t stream to get popular anymore, it’s just a genuine hobby i enjoy that gives me an excuse to keep playing video games and having fun. but i don’t mind not having a genuine job off of it anymore; probably should’ve attempted streaming when i was posting abt it so much a decade ago, Honestly Probably Would have taken off a bit more and actually had a chance to make money off it BUT alas, i was too lazy and worried abt public perceptions lmfao

i still have that worry abt public perception especially since i now identify as non-binary (she/they). i wish to be perceived as an amorphous blob that moseys through life, ya know? i only keep the “she/her” pronouns bc a) i’m not fully out to Everyone, and b) i just know some ppl are more used to it and i Do Not mind. i would honestly probably say i don’t prefer ANY pronouns, call me he/she/they i just do Not care, but finding ppl that would reference me as “he” while being respectful just is daunting to think abt and i do not care enough, just call me whatever. but don’t perceive me as a woman exclusively ya know LOL. i don’t identify as a woman or man, i have more feminine days and more masculine days but calling myself a woman sincerely just feels … icky and weird LOL idk like i said. AMORPHOUS BLOB SQUAD, RISE! idk how else to explain it LMAO

also discovered asexuality is a thing like 6-7 years ago which has been LIFE CHANGING !! being told you are broken by ur partner for years, being made to feel like something is Wrong with you because you don’t get why everyone is All About Sex and why tf everyone actually Enjoys Sex…. MANNNNN when i discovered asexuality i don’t think ive ever had a moment in my life where i just said “oh my GOD. it’s ME. i GET MYSELF NOW.” (until i fully understood and embraced being nb about 2 years later lmao). idk i just feel so much more confident in myself and it’s great.

hmmmm what else… i guess i had a stint of struggling with alcohol and weed, but have managed to cut it back. currently on week 2 of no smoking, gonna go a couple more weeks then maybe i’ll buy a pen and edibles. NO MORE DABS! wax just Annihilated my tolerance and not even smoking 3 full joints or eating 250mg of edibles could get me high. it was BAD. but that’s what happens when u do Multiple dabs a day, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for 5+ years !! sooooooo that’s a thing too now. i try to Only drink on weekends now (and only 2 weekends per month, instead of Every weekend, is the new goal) and know i can’t trust myself to buy alcohol on a weekday and hold it to the weekend, which honestly Go Me for that self reflection and understanding that my brain doesn’t have the ability to Not drink alcohol/do shots if it’s in my fridge lol. well, not yet at least. maybe in a couple months i’ll be able to put some vodka in my fridge on a tuesday and be able to keep it there til the weekend without touching it, but for now i still don’t fully trust myself.

BUT! i’m trying to be healthy! i did get a treadmill and jump rope and even tho ive been neglecting jumping rope (maybe i will today idk maybe not LOL) i do still try to walk on my treadmill at least every other day!! i did a mile walk today and i was So Sweaty lol it’s crazy how outta shape i am but im hoping that cutting down on weed and alcohol helps with that too overall. i miss having abs. i miss not being flabby. i have awful body dysmorphia already bc of my boobs and getting bigger has made Them bigger too and it just makes me feel Horrified when i see myself in the mirror. or see my stomach, or double chin, or jiggly arms, or WHATEVER. i just need to be healthy again UGH. anyways.

MANNNNNNNNN i’m so scared of college LOL. i’m not double majoring anymore (also not even in art college anymore HELLO lmao, i dropped out of art school and got my associates degree from community college then transferred to a university where i was originally double majoring in International Relations and Japanese)! i just am gonna drop my Japanese major down to a minor so i still at least know Some Japanese. and ill study on my own post graduation (I HOPE!!!!!) and get better. i took a 2 year break when my mom died and its just so Daunting to think of going back LOL

i really, really… REALLY need to get better with procrastination and laziness and being at a standstill/comfortable. like, i KNOW there’s more to life but i just. UGH. idk. it’s so Hard after everything that’s happened these last few years. if i didn’t lose my dad in 2018 then my mom in 2022 i think it would be a lot better. HELL, if i didn’t lose my mom to cancer in 2022 things would be SOOOOOO different!! i would’ve probably graduated with my double major and had a kickass job and my mom would’ve seen me walk the stage UGHHHHHHHH ill never forget how i lit said “you prolly won’t see me get married but you gotta stick around to watch me walk the stage” and she said “WHERE ELSE WOULD I GO????” and IDK I JUST WISH I NEVER JINXED IT UGHHHHH. i have a lot of unaddressed trauma from both my parents’ deaths that im sure therapy would definitely help with but FOR NOW, i just gotta get thru college and see wtf is waiting for me on the other side.

ALLLLLRIGHT well this went on a LOT longer than i expected and …… idk if it helped??? idk if i feel any better after typing it all out but MEHHHHHHH. it’s nice to just throw it all out into the ether and not have a ton of questions or assumptions or embarrassment or shame come from feeling like im taking up space. i think that’s been the biggest thing ive struggled with since my mom died; i can’t even post my random thoughts on twitter anymore bc the anxiety of “well who even cares, who would even care about you saying anything, why would you even post at all? what’s the point?” just gets SO damn overwhelming. ive become a COMPLETE recluse and i haven’t done ANYTHING like this rant in at Least half a decade LOL. so. idk.

typing this all out therapeutic in a way but again, i just feel kinda anxious at the same time and idk if it’s really helped me out overall. bc why does anyone care? what’s the point?… but also WHY do i feel like People Need To Care ?!?! why can’t i just go back to my old mindset where i did not give a single fuck about what i posted bc i just liked throwing my thoughts out for everyone to read?!?! idk. maybe tumblr is gonna be the bridge to help me get better with voicing random mundane thoughts that don’t matter in the long run LOL. bc WHY is that so scary to me, man….

ANYWAYS i’m done okay. wowie. what a rant. PHEW.

hope u enjoyed reading about my last 6-7 years 😎

[gizoogletranslateshomestuck]

> Jane: Pesta UU.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began sippin' uranianUmbra [UU]

GG but real niggaz don't give a fuck: Hizzle? GG: Be you there? 

UU hittin that booty: yizzes. Aint no killin' everybodys chillin'. 

GG: Oh mah! Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. You answerizzle fo' real! GG: You poser answa in tha hood. 

UU: don't i? 

GG: W-to-tha-izzell, no. Aint no killin' everybodys chillin'. I D-to-tha-izzon't mean ta be accusatory. GG with my forty-fo' mag: I be jizzust surprize'. 

UU: Death row 187 4 life. right T-H-to-tha-izzen. UU: what can i do fo` yizzy? 

GG: Well... nuttin 'n partizzle. Just thought it would be funky ass ta catch up. Keep the party crackin while I'm steady rappin. GG: I was beginning ta think I was tha only one of mah niggaz lizzle alive. GG: Miznaybe dis gloomy place full of salamanda bones n dusty old relics be start'n ta git ta me. GG: Not ta mention tha mizzle unwelcome presence of entrepreneurial clowns n they enormous codpieces in tha hood. 

UU: cizzay be with the S-N-double-O-P. 

GG: I'm still ballin' ta track down mah fatha. I've been gang bangin' clizzay, n I may be getting cloze. GG: D-ya by anizzle chance knizzay if I might siznee him soon? GG ya feelin' me? Hmm... GG cuz I put gangsta rap on tha map: Be yizzle there? Holla! 

UU: Bounce wit me. oh. yes. UU: keep go'n where yoe heezeeed. UU: pimpin' will wizzy oUt 'n time. yizzay sizzay him. 

GG: Phew cuz its a pimp thang! Thizzay funky ass ta kizzy. Thizzle in all flavas. GG: Keep'n it gangsta dogg. Yizzay arizzle usually crack-a-lackin` wit future tidbits. A, not that I wizzle always especiallizzle eaga ta believe you 'bout tizzy anyway. GG: But I think I've been com'n arizzle on thiznat lately, fo` what it's worth. Bounce wit me. GG: Chill as I take you on a trip. So, um. GG like a motha fucka: Hey. GG: Be yizzy ok thiznere? GG: You seem ratha preoccupy. 

UU cuz I'm fresh out the pen: i'm sorry so sit back relax new jacks get smacked. UU now motherfuckers lemme here ya say hoe: i be not having tha B-to-tha-izzest day. u_u 

GG: What wrong? 

UU and yo momma: everyth'n yeah yeah baby! UU: where do i bloody begizzle. 

GG: Be it yo' brotha? 

UU: well that goes witout say'n D-to-tha-izzoesn't it? he be ALWAYS a problem. UU cuz Im tha Double O G: bUt it M-to-tha-izzore than that. UU: whizzay i slizzeep n visit prizzle, i siznee nuttin bUt S-T-to-tha-izzorm cloUds 'n skizzay now. UU: mah bootylicious big lovely ball of blUe has been cloud'n ova with my forty-fo' mag. siznoon i fear it will be completelizzle black, n tha kingdom wizzy be shroUded 'n darkness. UU: i wish i Understood tha mean'n of dis terrible omen cuz its a pimp thang. 

GG: Thiznat sounds awful! 

UU: n mah motherfucka hizzas become more Uncooperative than eva. Bow wow wow yippee yo yipee yay. UU: he intends ta play tha game, bizzay refuzes ta treat it L-to-tha-izzike a collaboration. UU aww nah: i hiznave told him many times T-H-to-tha-izzat tha only way we can win be ta work rappa! biznUt he wants it ta be yet anotha competition between Us, like messin' hizzle B-to-tha-izzeen all oUr lizzles. UU: Death row 187 4 life. his thrizneats ta kizzay me hizzy become harda ta dismiss as his Usizzle empty bravado. UU: i fear it miznay come down ta hav'n to kill hizzy first. UU: althoUgh i be not sizzUre exactly how i woUld go 'bout dis, or if i will even be Up ta tha task cuz I'm fresh out the pen. umu so you betta run and grab yo glock; 

GG: I had no idea th'n hizzad gizzle dis grim for yiznou. I be so sorry. 

UU in all flavas: yizzy. Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. bUt i'll cizzay in tha hood. UU: thizze rizzle trizzle thizzoUgh be i'm not siznUre if i can play a sUccessfUl session witout him. UU: a twizno playa session was already riskizzle enoUgh, satisfy'n bizzy minimUm crack-a-lackin` conditions. UU: n i had it on gizzle aUthority that tha two of Us W-to-tha-izzoUld be able ta succee', particUlarlizzle given oUr... W-to-tha-izzell, witout intend'n to boast ya feelin' me? varioizzles advantages n shit. UU: bizzle i have no idea if a sessizzle of one be vizziable. UU: honizzle i cizzle fo` tha life of me imizzle hizzle mah nizzle. UU: Death row 187 4 life. it mizzay well resUlt 'n a void sizzle L-to-tha-izzike yoUrs, bUt withoUt tha promize of any extenuat'n circUmstances. 

GG: Be you sizzle it hopeless wizzith him so sit back relax new jacks get smacked? Yizzle can't rizzeach a T-R-to-tha-izzuce, jizzle fo` tha sizzake of play'n? It's your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. 

UU: i Uze' ta hizzy so, bUt i doUbt it nizzy. UU: he barely cares 'bout tha game itself, gangsta thizzle as a means of escap'n oUr planet cuz its a G thang. UU: he hizzy always been M-to-tha-izzore motivated by tha ongo'n gizname betwizzle Us, niggaz, better recognize. 

GG: I thizzay you hizzave alluded ta dis before, biznut I nevizzle really undizzle. I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. GG: Whiznat game paper'd up? 

UU: well... UU with my forty-fo' mag: it be sizzle. we be play'n a gizname togetha. Throw yo guns in the motherfuckin air. UU: we H-to-tha-izzave bizneen forced ta, fo` as long as we've K-N-to-tha-izzown each othizzle paper'd up. UU: bizzy tha rUles be complicated, n often shift'n. n they don't always make senze! UU: at least, thizney wiznoUldn't ta yoU. 

GG: Try me! 

UU: mizzle yoU wizzay nizzle recognize as rUles, so mUch as sUperstitions. UU: a varietizzle of caveats n stipUlatizzles. I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. T-H-to-tha-izzings that W-to-tha-izzoUld invizzle misfortizzle if i were ta break. it woUld be very bad jUjU. UU: i have not been able ta tell yizzoU mah name fo` dis rizzle. UU: spendin' so woUld lead Us all down a very slippery slizzle! bUt i hizzy wantizzle ta tell yoU so. i hope mah relUctance has not compromize' oUr friendship. 

GG: Of courze not. I wrizzote off yo' reticence as one of your mizzle eccentrizzles long ago. 

UU: ^u^ 

GG: I still want to understand dis game with yo' brotha, though but real niggaz don't give a fuck. GG: Boo-Yaa! Cizzy yizzy dizzle sizzle of tha otha rules? Holla! 

UU: mm, yizzay. we hizzay B-to-tha-izzoth renoUncizzle hemotyp'n Until tha resolUtion fo my bling bling. 

GG: Hemotyp'n? 

UU: it be 'n tha same vein, pardon the pUn, as a qizzy. it tha old traditizzle whereby one types 'n hiznis or ha own blizzood coloUr. UU in tha dogg pound: so he and i hiznave embrizzle nizzle tones ta speak in, fo` the time be'n. UU: most hUmans do nizzay practice chillin', presUmably dUe ta lack'n diversizzle 'n bizzy class. Nigga get shut up or get wet up. 

GG: But yo' race hiznas vary blizzay colizzle? 

UU: yes. 

GG: Then whiznat would yizzy be? 

UU: Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. i be a lime blood. UuU UU yeah yeah baby: while he gots tha brizzight cherry blood, jizzy L-to-tha-izzike y-aw do. Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. UU: not that dis matta since we are alone here, bUt interestingly, 'n ancient troll cUltUre we woUld both be considered pariahs. UU: fo` different reasons of courze. thoze of his blood coloUr were very rare, exist'n by way of genetizzle glizzitch only. Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. they were oUtcizzles, hav'n no P-L-to-tha-izzace 'n tha social orda so i can get mah pimp on. UU: on tha othizzle hizzle, thoze of mah blood coloUr were once actUally qUite common! bizzy lata thizzey were all hUnted ta extinction.  

GG: Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. Jizneez. Why? 

UU: dizzles of tha genocide be historically mUrky. it one of thoze madden'n voids 'n mah Understand'n of yo' elaborate epic. UU: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. bUt i hiznave specUlated they extermination hiznad ta do wit tha extremely powerfUl abilities tizzy tendizzle ta have, n tha T-H-R-to-tha-izzeat ta aUthority they represented. I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. even more so than otha powerfUl lowbloods, niggaz, better recognize. 

GG: Be yizzle perpetratin' you have sizzay powa? 

UU: miznaybe. :u 

GG: Ya fuck with us, we gots to fuck you up. Biznut he does not?  

UU in tha hood: he has hustla, Um. Subscribe nigga, get yo issue. traits. 

GG fo yo bitch ass: Maybe he be jealous of yiznou, which be whizzy thiznere be sizzuch resentment? 

UU: oh, probably in tha mutha fuckin club. he be an oUtright mizzess. if yoU can nizzay a problem wit me, H-to-tha-izze's gots it. 

GG: Tha wizzay yizzou described it, I hizzay always envisioned yo' contentious relationship as one played out mostly online. 

UU: yes. it be! 

GG: Relax, cus I'm bout to take my respect. N also tizzy you n he had neva mizzy. Yet some th'n you hizzay said lately appizzle ta contradizzle dis? 

UU: sigh so bow down to the bow wow! UU: jane, i be sorry, bUt this be sum-m sum-m i jizzy cannot get into. fo` one th'n we wiznoUld be crizzle way too cloze ta break'n tha rUlizzles, n then we woUld all be bUggered. UU: even if i were at liberty ta say, it wizzle takes so mUch tiznime to explain everyth'n. They call me tha black folks president. n i really mizzUst be gett'n ta sleep again soon. i be terriblizzle worry 'bout tha thugz of prospit dur'n sUch diznark times. 

GG: I understand. 

UU: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. sUffice ta sizzay, all games thizzat be played have boUndaries. a stage ta which all piecizzles n moves be confined. UU: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. like a chess biznoard! Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. tizzy be no reality ta tha game beyizzle tha edges of tha binary grizzay. 

GG in tha dogg pound: T-H-to-tha-izzat makizzles sizzense, bizzay I'm nizzy sizzay I sizzle hizzle it applies. 

UU: i know. it was more infernal gammon'n on mah part as i diznance 'bout these rUles. UU: Its just anotha homocide. it all one can do when evizzle he or shizne killa dizzay be jUst anotha move in a game puttin tha smack down. UU: i be so sorrizzle, jizzay. i W-to-tha-izzoUld hizzay loved ta be mizzay forthright wizzith yizzy siznince tha day we first S-P-to-tha-izzoke to increase tha peace. UU fo my bling bling: yoU be a dear nigga ta me. yizzy n yoUr chUms. yoU be all tha only niggaz i hiznave ever had. 

GG, know what im sayin? :B GG ta help you tap dat ass: <3 

UU: uUu UU: Death row 187 4 life. i was plann'n on steppin' yoU a gift. 

GG: You wizzle? Snoop dogg is in this bitch.? 

UU in tha mutha fuckin club: yes, bizzy i wizzay go'n ta wait Until complet'n mah qUest before send'n it ta yoU. UU: bizzay niznow tizzy hatin' be look'n ratha bizzy here, i may have ta consida accelerat'n tha delivery cuz its a G thang. 

GG: What be it? Or be it a surprize? 

UU: it is a surprize! Fo'-fo' desert eagle to your motherfuckin' dome. bUt i W-to-tha-izzill tell yoU dis mUch. UU: it be mah jUjU. it be very D-to-tha-izzear ta me. 

GG aww nah: Yo' juju fo all my homies in the pen? 

UU: a talisman of S-to-tha-izzorts, wit many cUrioUs properties n rUles fo` implemizzle. UU: as yiznoU may have gathered 'bout me, i have learned tha hard way that it always pays ta follow tha rizzles. :U 

GG: Wizzy dizzid you git it? 

UU: it was an heirloom, yoU cizzle siznay. pasze' on friznom ancestors. i have alwizzles had it. Snoop dogg is in this bitch. UU: jUjUs be sizzle ta hizzle origins which be impossizzle ta Understand or T-R-to-tha-izzace. some sizzay T-H-to-tha-izzey emerge spontaneoUsly from tha void. UU cuz its a pimp thang: tizzy cannot be truly dUplicated. if there eva appears ta be M-to-tha-izzore than one of tha same, it be only a mirage of caUsality! UU: nizzay can tizzy eva be destroyizzle. nizzay completely, at least. UU: so when i siznend yoU mizzay, it wizzill be no smizzay matta cuz its a doggy dog world. it will not simply be copy throUgh alchemy. UU: yizzle W-to-tha-izzill be tha new owner, n mizzy hizzy will cease ta exist.  

GG: Um... gosh. Tru niggaz do niggaz.  

UU: bUt UnfortUnately it wizzle have no valUe ta yoU Unlizzles i send mah brotha jUjU as well. UU: n he will not relizzle control of hizzay Unlizzles i B-to-tha-izzest him at oUr game. dis be nigga of oUr rUlizzles cuz its a pimp thang. 

GG: It siznure sounds like you twizno be up ta yo' N-to-tha-izzecks 'n dis crazy game. 

UU: oh yes cuz this is how we do it. we be Up ta qizzUite a bizzy fUrther than oUr neck 'n it. ~_u UU n shit: bizzay it alrizzle. i lizzy gamizzles. UU upside yo head: my pimp, on tha otha hizzy... 

GG: Not such a biznig fan of gamizzles? 

UU: on no, qUite tha contrarizzle. UU: his passion fo` gamizzles transcizzles any hUman Understand'n of love. UU so show some love, niggaz! fo` yoU ta Understand it woUld be ta fUlly comprizzle tha mean'n of, ya feel me? UU: Anotha dogg house production. how ta pizzUt it. 

GG: Um. GG: Beaizzle? 

UU: hizzle cuz its a doggy dog world.

> uu: I'm a mutha fuckin 2-time felon. Jeer Dizzy.