#anyways i'm just pissed by the last line of her email that's basically just

[the-saucy-wave-equation]

coming to the conclusion that the kind of writing that my old PI wants is overly simplified because she's overworked and just not thinking straight a bunch of the time

[hollenka99]

I can personally vouch for the last comment.

Just a bit of background:

My dad's always had issues with his temper. He has to have it his way but the dude's also got professional commitment issues, so that's fun. Honestly, there are times where he's basically acts like a child. Mum insists it wasn't so bad when she was dating him/early years of their marriage. Unfortunately, that's not the guy I've grown up with.

In Primary school, I'd actively avoid approaching him with homework etc because he forever seemed to be in a bad mood. In Secondary school, I became increasingly aware of my parents' somewhat unhealthy marriage. And in Sixth Form, I could make all the 'I have Daddy Issues, haha' jokes I wanted but that didn't erase the fact a daughter should not have such a toxic relationship with her father that she only truly feels at ease when he's not at home.

-

Anyway, my Babcia had a stroke in the summer of 2016. That December, Mum went to Poland for a couple weeks to help her brother care for their mother. It wasn't so bad. I had 6th form for most of the day Monday-Friday. Dad was between jobs at the time but practically lived in his computer room anyway.

Then, the first Thursday after Mum left, Dad got an email from my 6th form. I wasn't doing so well. My Dyspraxia makes me suck ass at articulating myself verbally so the pressure to explain myself made me frustrated, which lead to me saying "Leave me alone.", going to my bedroom and closing the door.

Not two seconds later, Dad comes bursting in and he is furious.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, 'leave me alone'!"

He's banging his fist on my dresser as he continues shouting, I'm fucking hysterical thinking 'Oh shit, now I've done it. He's finally going to cross the line and hit me.'

But he doesn't. He goes downstairs and not long after, I'm being called down to talk to Mum on the phone. While I'm talking (read: sobbing like crazy), Dad heads to the outside fridge. He's not going to be able to hear me when I pluck up enough courage to admit to Mum that I thought he was going to start hitting me. I told her believing it would be between us. She must have told him because Dad asked me about it as soon as he wrapped up with Mum.

It was an apology involving a lot of "You know I love you"-s and "You know I would never do that"-s. We hugged and it was back to being civil for everyone's sake.

Let's just forget the fact that I couldn't sleep at all that night, how I spent the entire time in lessons just having flashbacks of the previous night and desperately trying to avoid tearing up in front of everyone or the fear of telling anyone, especially the safeguarding team, in case I triggered action being taken.

I should probably mention that I was 17 at the time. I was 17 and scared of my father. No-one, regardless of age, should have to think 'Looks like I've screwed up so badly that this unhealthy relationship is going to upgrade to physically abusive'. Your child should not have to be wary of you, especially due fear of being hurt.

So yeah, that's the story of how I started wondering if any part of my parent-child relationship was abusive and I was just unaware of it. I'm leaning towards psychological but it doesn't quite fit. Either way, I'm 20 this year and off to university a month later. I should be okay without the daily exposure.

TL;DR

My dad got so pissed off with me when I was 17 that he punched my dresser while shouting at me and I thought he'd become physically abusive. Recollection of the event, particularly what Dad said as he came in, can occasionally trigger a panic attack. So... y'know... maybe get physical anger out of your system without the subject witnessing it.

There is a really popular post on this site like “men who slam doors are making sure you know how much they want to hit you” and I can’t find the post but I wish it would stop because it is not true and it has the potential to spread a lot of panic and anxiety in already traumatized people. Slamming doors, stomping your feet, punching pillows, throwing rocks at the ocean, anything physical that doesn’t hurt anyone is an excellent way to deal with anger; it is actually pretty common advice in anger managment (or any type of emotional mediation therapy) to let off some steam when you’re furious so you don’t say or do something in the heat of the moment.

When a person is angry their body floods with adrenaline and it doesn’t just go away so acting out something physically helps your body metabolize all that adrenaline so that you CAN take a few breaths and discuss something calmly.

There are three rules to healthy anger management: 1. You can’t hurt yourself 
2. You can’t hurt others 
2. You can’t break things that aren’t meant to be broken This is a pretty common type of anxiety thinking for abuse/trauma survivors and if you find it triggering you should definitely talk to whoever is doing the door slamming about them finding an alternate way to throw off that excess energy. But by itself slamming doors doesn’t mean someone wants to hit you, it’s actually a coping skill for emotional mediation!