#anyways i’m failing my calc exam on wednesday

[skylinebeemine]

just need to make it past wednesday and all will be alright 🙏

[inkofamethyst]

April 29, 2019

Okay so we wrote this devised play in theatre about identity right?  And this was earlier on in the year, before the theatre teacher ~left~.  Anyway the plot centered around how these four (archetypal) students were in detention due to a disagreement about a project that they failed.  One character was a full-on jock, one was the quiet kid, one was the nerdy brainiac, and the other was a kid who was super busy because they were trying to find something they were good at but nothing was quite right.  I helped to create the nerd character, and I ultimately played the jock, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

I bring that up because I literally just realized how much like the brainy character I am.  I have just completed my second project under this new theatre teacher (she’s having us study different theatre influencers once a month) in a group, and my group buddies all ended up waiting until the last minute to complete their sections, not to mention the fact that we have a poster to complete that (surprise, surprise!) hasn’t been finished!  And honestly, I did my part.  I created the shared document, I finished my part of the powerpoint, I drew up my part of the poster, and I’m even about to print off a picture to add to it.  If the poster doesn’t have all of their information on it by the time it’s due, I guess that’s on them.  I can’t be held responsible for the shortcomings of others.  Will I put in a little extra effort just to show that I tried to do my part and more to the best of my ability?  Yes.  That’s just how I am.  But I have better things to do than to complete a four-person powerpoint where each person literally only has to do one slide that will take them ten minutes or less to complete.

Am I salty?  A wee bit, sure.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

(No, I did not forget about my plans from yesterday.  As a matter of fact I have it all written out in my drafts, but it turned out not to be as exciting in written form as I had expected it to be.  I may post it later, but until then, enjoy this thing from my drafts before I graduate high school and it becomes less relevant.  I wrote it a few weeks ago.  Instead of what I had planned to do, I might just make a list of all the things I like about the school from my own memory.  That’s probably a better idea anyway.)

Today I am thankful for my grandmother and aunt on my dad’s side.  They’re always there for me whenever I need them and they’re always looking out for me, even if it feels like smothering at times.  We have different views on certain things, but I still appreciate them because they’re family (and they load me up with cash on a regular basis so that’s nice too).

Side note: Interim grades for seniors were due today because our remaining time at school is so incredibly short.  Look: We’ve got this week which is just full of AP practice (on Wednesday alone I’ll be doing AP Lit in first, AP Spanish Lang in fourth, AP Calc in fifth, and AP Chem in sixth), then next week which is full of APs (just Tuesday and Thursday for me), then the following week is another AP week and on Thursday we start high school finals.  The week after that is the senior finals week and the week of graduation rehearsals and then our last day is that Thursday.  I’ve got a little under four weeks of high school left, and there’s still so much to be done before it’s over.  I think that my only off-day is going to be next Thursday.  I’m definitely not coming back to school following my chem exam.  I’ll try to come back after Spanish though (and maybe Calculus, depending on whether we’re doing a lab in chem or not (and how awfully tired I feel)) so that I can study for more chemistry if I can.  We’ll see.

Anyway, I’ve got to prep for practice tests tomorrow, but I’d like to go to bed at a decent time instead of two in the morning for absolutely no reason like last night.  What I need to do is stay focused.  And if I get tired and don’t feel like continuing, I’m not going to push it because that’ll only make me feel worse in the morning.

So, yeah!  Until tomorrow, friends!

(No, I don’t know why I referred to the reader (likely myself) as “friends,” but I’m going to roll with it because I’m chronically sleep-deprived (and that’s all my fault, but that’s a discussion for another day).)

[itsjayyyy]

August 17, 2019 4:01 pm

This will be yet another post in which I only write to map out my future goals, and refuse to actually update on the past (at least, the recent past) because I’m not ready to face my emotions yet. (Reminder for when I do write a real update: I need to go all the way back to july 25th, the week before finals).

Okay so today’s Saturday, tomorrow I close (and put in my two week’s notice!!! YEEHAW) and then the following week is the last week before the fall semester starts. I’ve REALLY been slacking on my studying. I separated my studying into two categories: the foundation exam (which is literally everything from comp sci 1) and extracurriculars (python, command line, autoCAD/solidworks/matlab, and how the hell github is used). I was supposed to balance between the two categories to not get bored, but since I only have one week before the foundation exam, I’m going to make that my #1 priority. 

I’ve realized that studying at home is just a bad idea, even at the dining room table. It’s just too tempting to go to the kitchen and overeat, or go back to my bedroom and stare at the mirror (not in a narcissistic way, I’m just like a cat or some shit, where I like staring at mirrors. It’s very easy to make me distracted with small gimmicks).  The library is open, even during breaks, from 7:30-5. On monday I need to go to campus to pick up my parking pass because I know that if I wait for the semester to start, the lines will be obnoxiously long. So from monday forward, I’ll be studying in the library that whole week. I plan on going in order of the comp sci 1 curriculum, but if I start to run out of time, I’ll start studying from the end because that’s the sections that I slacked off the most during the semester (although really, I must not have done TOO bad, since I still got a 95 on the final...). 

So tomorrow, before my shift starts, I’ll step into the manager’s office and give my two weeks notice (and I will NOT let them coerce me into staying, my answer is final). I’ll tell them that I’m quitting because I need to focus on school this semester, which they’ll understand; I’m the only full-time college student at my entire venue, and a lot of my coworkers are surprised that I’m working 3 days to begin with. This means that my last day at work will be the 30th (I requested the 31st off because of the foundation exam), which is a closing shift (how fitting...). The week after that is rush week for alpha kappa sigma and I’m so excited!!! Tuesday and thursday I might not be able to go because my object oriented programming class is from 6-7:15, but hopefully tuesday will just be like, syllabus day and I can run over to rush after. 

I’m gonna also try to join SEDS again, do the model rocket club that I would have done freshman year if I had enough ambition. I don’t know about coding clubs, I want to join one but I don’t know of any. To be honest, I think ASK is gonna be my main form of networking/experience, because it’s just so much easier to work in a group with other girls. 

One of my coworkers recently told me that I overthink, and make myself stressed out about things that I shouldn’t be stressed about. This was about the time I was a cook at cinnabon and we ran out of every product we had (and the freezer was broken, so we literally had nothing), but I feel that it also applies to college. I failed calc 2 the second time because I kept psyching myself out, and I need to be careful not to do that with the foundation exam. I get so caught up thinking, “oh my god, I need to study really hard or else I’ll fail” that my notes will literally have every minute piece of info remotely related to the topic, and I barely get through one topic (see my notes on dynamic memory allocation- three full notebook pages of notes, in my tiny ass handwriting, just to cover malloc and calloc). I need to find a balance between “let me copy the entire textbook word for word” and “I don’t need to take notes on any of this, I already know it.” Somewhere like “I have a general idea of this concept, so I don’t need to take notes on everything, just write a refresher and some small details I feel like I’ll forget.” Because I got a 95 on both the final and midterm exams, which is all of the material on the foundation exam. I only need to get a 60 on the foundation exam to pass, and it’s pass/fail, as in, getting a 61 is the exact same as getting a 100 (I mean, I can use a higher score as bragging rights, or bring it up an an internship interview to make up for my shoddy gpa, but that’s about it). So I need to stop stressing and just start studying. 

When I get my student refund, I’m first going to buy an office chair for my desk, so that I can study at home if I want. I feel like sitting at a real desk, and not a dining table or on my bed, will really make it easier to study. 

Anyways that’s pretty much all I have to say for now. Since tomorrow is a closing shift, I’m going to stay up tonight until at least midnight to make my sleep cycle proper. That’s roughly 7 hours I can study, so I hope to get through 2 of the remaining 11 units. Then, monday and tuesday I’ll try to wrap up the remaining 9 units (2 hours per unit seems fair), and wednesday through friday I’ll try doing the previous years’ exams to get a feel of the material. 

Oh, another thing I wanted to add: I think I might switch up my main blog style again. I mean, like I mentioned in a previous post here, I just don’t care about multifandom kpop any more, and even when it comes to bts I mainly use twitter to keep updated. Tbh I feel like I haven’t been honest to myself about who I am, and that’s simply a fuckin nerd. I mean, whenever I’ve been around rose, I’ve tried to be like her, ya know, going to clubs, doing ig baddie style makeup and stuff like that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that kind of stuff, but I’m just not an extrovert. I like playing video games on my computer, and coding, and even *gasp* watching anime. I feel like if I let myself enjoy activities that I actually enjoy, I’ll be more comfortable and able to make friends. Another thing to buy when I get my student refund: minecraft. And a raspberry pi. Plus, doing real activities like gaming and stuff would be a hell of a lot more productive than just laying in bed scrolling down reddit all day.

[itsjayyyy]

April 17, 2019 8:28 am

Alright I believe I have established mental stability now, something that I haven’t had for the last couple of weeks. And yes, before you ask, my period did come shortly after all of that. 

I have now come to the realization that running away to arizona is actually a terrible idea. I mean really, finishing my bachelor’s at 26 when I could take some extra time here and do it at 23? And saving up a ton of money just to blow it on moving?? And driving cross country on a 250cc motorcycle??? tuh. 

First things first: I believe that I have the capability to pass calc 2. The first fail was on me, but not on my brain; it was on my attitude. This fail is also on my attitude (and partially on my professor’s attitude), but it’s not on my brain. In the last week I’ve been using khan academy again and was able to study half of the material in this unit. On that half, I got nearly perfect scores, while the half that I only studied out of the textbook I got around a 50. Imagine if I had the time to study all of the material. I moved my schedule around, so that I’m going to be retaking calc in the fall instead of the spring. Over this summer I’m going to be completely finishing khan academy, I mean trig, precalc, calc 1, and calc 2. This fall I’m gonna crush it. 

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 20 years old now. I’m so old. On saturday I visited my family to have dinner. I parked alongside the curb instead of pulling into the driveway because there was an extra car blocking the way. Mom said they bought a new car because the jag was just getting too old. Rose came home a little bit later; she brought peter and paul with her. Dad finally spoke to me again. Did I mention last week he was hospitalized over low blood sugar? Guess almost dying causes you to reevaluate your relationships. 

I bought a new tire for my motorcycle. While driving home one day I had to brake really fast and my back tire swerved really hard. I remembered my mechanic said my back tire was fine, but I looked at it and man there is literally no tread. I would call him a liar, but he told me that in august last year, and I’ve gone about 7000 miles more since then (plus i just looked it up and apparently you should change your rear tire every 2000 miles RIP). I bought one online monday, and apparently it got delivered yesterday but I was too busy to go get it from the office. I don’t know when I can take it to the shop, though; on friday my apartment is being inspected by the leasing office so tomorrow’s gonna be spent cleaning and today I have to study for my asl exam this evening. Then friday through sunday I’m going to be working. Monday forward is exam week all the way until the following monday. I guess on this upcoming monday I could go after calc in the morning, but I would rather spend that time studying. I mean, I guess I should go then, I don’t think I would have gotten much studying done anyways. And when I say there’s no tread, I mean like this tire could give any time soon. Like, the fabric weave is starting to show through in some spots. 

So much has happened yet I don’t know what to say. It’s been two weeks since the last update, right? 

Yesterday rose texted me happy bday. I didn’t respond until I was in comp sci, but I responded alright. I wrote 977 words, and imessage collapsed it into a text file. As of this morning, rose has not even opened the message. welp.

I’m kinda worried about this apartment inspection. I never paid the pet fee, or told them I had a cat. Worst case, they fine me extra, but it’s not like they’d evict me or anything. Best case, I tell them the girl before me said she had a dog (she did), and that she told me that she already paid the pet fee. The people at the leasing office know me now (after so many times dealing with chelsea), so they might be more understanding. I’m just kind of worried about what I’m going to do with mango while I’m at work; they said all pets must be contained but I don’t really have a cage for him, I just let him be free inside my bedroom. I’m gonna ask them about that when I pick up my packages today. 

I told myself that I would sit in the library to write this update then dip and study at home, but I’m kind of scared to leave. I always sit in the same seat on the top floor on mondays and wednesdays, and i know that savon also regularly sits in the library but on the ground floor by the entrance. Today though, he’s sitting in the seat across from me to the side, but I didn’t see him until I was already settled in. I don’t want to get up in case he follows me. I just want to teleport home, right from this seat. MAN SPEAKING OF WHICH it has been a hot minute since i’ve played with my switch. i’m def gonna spend more time playing games after this semester ends. and going to the gym more.