#anyways i took a big fat break due to health and now im back so YIPPIE

[claybooots]

Chop chop chop

[taracottta]

Reversing 29 years of self-perception

About a year and a half ago I decided to start my active journey of self-love, acceptance, and perception.  I was tired of getting down on myself, putting myself down, letting my self-esteem hold me back from living my life, and attaining a self-image that really isn't realistic for me.  The first thing I wanted to tackle was my health. I started lifting weights at the gym with my friend.  It was really mild, we didn't do much, but just the act of going to the gym with my friend was a start. We all have to start somewhere!

As I started to become more active, I started to take friends up on their offers to go hiking (something I didn't want to do prior due to thinking I was too fat and out of shape, and lazy).  One day my friend asked if I wanted to try Orange Theory. At first I was SO hesitant. I looked it up and saw that part of the circuit is to run on the treadmill. HELL NO. I still had PTSD from when I went running crazy and would run for two hours a day on the treadmill when I was in high school.  After that I just told myself, running isn't for me and thats that.  I decided to step out of my comfort zone and agreed to go.  I know this sounds dramatic...but that day changed. my. life. I remember some of their beginning questions.   “Do you work out often now?” Maybe 3 times a week. Hows that working out? At this point I looked at the guy thinking fuuuuck youuu what kind of question is that.  But I was just being defensive because...It wasn't working out. I was at the heaviest I have been.  Ever.  I mean I felt better for going to the gym, but I wasn't getting the results I wanted.  Then he asked me, “What are your health goals? Do you want to loose weight?”  & part of my self love journey was to change the way I thought about loosing weight.  I made a conscious decision to not aim for “loosing weight”  I understood that being healthy was a lifestyle change.  To have a goal to loose weight is not having a goal to change my life style.  So my goal became making myself feel strong and healthy.  And that has been my goal ever since, and still is.  I hated EVERY minute on the treadmill when I took my first class. For all 30 min, I flooded my brain with negative thoughts and feeling angry that I agreed to come to this stupid class.  When the class was done, I immediately signed up for an unlimited membership. I felt a high I haven't felt since high school.  I felt positive, I felt optimistic, and I thought HELL YEAH, I can come here three + times a week!  The negative thoughts and feelings that I experienced was the result of me being pushed out of my comfort zone. I resisted it mentally but decided that since I was already there, I might as well kindaaa try.  But the endorphin high I received after quickly help me realize that I DID IT, and I can do it again!  Lizzo also became a huge influence when she started rising in fame.  I didn’t know about her before. I’m one of those mainstream junkies. Anyway.  I read an interview where she explained the origin of “Truth Hurts” the break up song of the year. She explained that she wrote that song by going to her producer and venting about a recently failed relationship.  He put her rant with a beat and there it came.  She said it was a dark time for her, filled with self-doubt and depression, and yet she came up with an empowering song that helped millions of women lift their spirits when they did doubt themselves because of a failed relationship.  I read that interview in awe thinking how crazy it is that someone can be at the darkest point in their life and produce the most empowering and inspiring songs.  When she would speak at her concerts (I’m going to be dramatic again but its true), I would literally listen to her speeches and cry tears of happiness and love because of what she was saying. It really touched me  so deep down into my soul and I want to say that has been a HUGE reason why I have been able to come so far in my self-love journey.  I saw her, a big, beautiful woman.  I didn't think she was fat, I didn't think she was unhealthy, I saw a beautiful woman full of confidence and purpose and I wanted to exude that same energy.  That is when I truly started to look at my body and accept it for what it is.   Before this, I have always wanted to get back to how I looked when I was 16.  I finally realized, that is an unattainable goal, and thats okay.  I was so unhealthy during that time.  I counted my calories, I exercised every day with no break.  There was a point that I was so obsessed, I would only eat 3 100 calorie yoplait yogurts a day and drink 3 5 oz wanters a day in attempts to not put on water weight.  If I wanted to eat unhealthy food, I would chew the food, and spit it out without digesting it.  THAT IS CRAZY.  I was starving myself of food AND water. I never want to get back to that. That realization helped me with my relationship with food.  I want to eat food that is helps build my body, is tasty, and I enjoy eating.  I want to enjoy my food and I also want to eat food that helps me feel strong.  So I do that.  I eat healthy food. But if I want a fried chicken sandwich, I’m going to get it. And because I won't go on a strict diet my body will not be what it can be, and I’m okay with it.  I like the body the way it is now, and am fine with sacrificing a banging bod, for being able to enjoy food when I feel like it.  This is my life and these are my priorities.  A year and a half later, I feel I have come so far.  Yes I’ve lost weight.  Don't ask me how much, because I don't know.  I don't want to live my life by the scale like I did at the peak of my eating disorder. But you know what I have noticed? I feel stronger, I can do more things without struggling or getting out of breath, I can push myself further.  When I run on the treadmill in OTF and I am able to bump up my speed or bump up my incline without taking a walking break I feel STRONG, and I feel ABLE.  One of our coaches likes to say “Your body is capable of SO MUCH” and it “it is a privilege to move!” and, it is! Some people are not able to do everything that most of us are able to do, and I shouldn't take that for granted.  I shouldn't dread getting out of bed in the morning to go exercise.  I should be eternally grateful that I get to move.  Some people don’t have that luxury, and sometime in the future, I will be able to less than I can now. I shouldn't waste my time now, while im healthy and able. I am so happy at where I am now.  I feel solid, I feel strong, and I feel like I can do more.  Even though we are on our second shut down, and our state has robbed me of not only my physical escape, but my mental and emotional escape, I will push myself to exercise, I will continue to keep going and do more.  I have come to terms with what my body looks like and I am starting to not just, be okay with my body, but to love my body.  I have come so far but have so far more to go.  Loving yourself is a life long journey and I hope you all are on your way to the top.

[dingus-tea]

ok i am in PAIN its story time

dated my boi back when we were in hs but we met online and never met irl bcos we were underaged and lived like many states apart. due to just the general distance and us being literal children who did not have the emotional capacity for a serious ldr while also dealing with our own personal mental health issues we broke up and it took me many many many years to heal from that 

while we were dating though, there was this girl who was v attracted to him and didnt hide that fact. they went to school together, tbh i thought she was p rad until i discovered she had a big fat crush on my bf but ultimately brushed it aside as i trusted him to make his own decisions regarding her. what i underestimated was the absolute magnitude of just how MUCH she was pursuing him. i didn’t learn this til he and i recently reconnected, but she and her friend were definitely pressuring him to get with her. i can definitely say i was much more concerned with my own problems back then and didnt realize what was going on and didnt bother to check up on him with that situation as often as i should have.

anyways he and i break up and he immediately begins to date her. she never liked me, has always hated me for no particular reason aside from the fact that i was dating him. thats fine whatever, ive never spoken to her idc at this point. i do begin to realize however that he must have already had an interest in her when he and i were dating for him to date her so soon after our break up. it hurts me, but im not mad. figure our break up was my fault for being so emotionally repressed and not treating him as well as he should be treated. i deact my fb and essentially lose contact with him for many years aside from him occasionally telling me hbd 

he and i reconnect in 2020. we’re both adults now, finally meet and begin to date, learning and relearning things about each other and it’s all amazing and wonderful and i love him and appreciate him much more than i did as a teenager. i learn that after we broke up, he accidentally called her my name and that made her hate me even more to the point that she blocked me on his fb lol and that overall his relationship with her had been generally unhappy. this surprises me as i figured this whole time he was v happy with her as they dated for so long and even lived together. that is what initially stopped me from fully reconnecting with him until 2020. 

the issue is now, i hate her so much. i dont actually hate her, except i do. i hate her for how unhappy she made him. i hate her for getting to spend all that time with him and getting to grow up with him into adulthood. the thing is, i cant hate her for that last bit because that was my bad as he and i broke up and he would spend that time with someone else if not me or her. but i hate her for it. i just do and its such a nasty and horrible feeling. i cant stop comparing myself to her and whenever he mentions her i just feel like ripping my arm off. i know he cant help but occasionally bring her up because he spent such a big part of his life living with her and ive accepted that and i am curious about his life then too. but i just cant stop comparing myself to her so much fkjdngjkdf its aggravating. he’s definitely unprompted told me that he loves me much more and that the time he’s spent with me has been so much more better and fulfilling than it has in all his years with her, but i just cant seem to let go of this icky ugly feeling inside of me and im in paIN