#anyways i like spongebob the muscial now

[bluejaypirate]

a tale of banal disappointment but its past midnight so it reads like a cracked out odyssey of perfectly mundane experiences being told in an extremely dramatic manner.

about a month or two ago i was doing a late-night target run with my mom for some soap or whatever. Our usual target strategy generally involves her doing all the *actual* shopping, while I get to wander around in the section selling recently released books, movies, video games, music, and show collections. It’s rare that i find anything I’d actually consider buying or even anything worth pirating later, but it beats pretty much every other section if the store, so if i have to be at target, I’ll be there. I don’t own any of the latest video game systems, so that section was a no-go, and the music section was beyond pitiful at that time of day, so it was books or TV. All the show collections they had were either schlock or stupidly expensive, and the only book that looked interesting was a biography of Ida B Wells. I picked it up to show to my mom for approval, and turned toward the movie section, knowing 2020 had not been a good year for the film industry, but giving the shelf a glance just in case. As my eyes traveled downward, any hope i had of finding something halfway watchable diminishing... I saw it. At the very back of the bottom row, there it was:

SpongeBob: The Musical

Now, you have to understand that i am, in a few words, a Giant Fucking Theatre Nerd. I wouldn’t have given this musical even half a chance, had i not been hearing some pretty damn good things about it for the past, what, 4 years?? and this was from my community of online AND irl theatre friends. I knew that a high quality version had aired on Nickelodeon as a special, but I didn’t realize that it was available in dvd! I figured it would be a fun thing to have at least, because i had no real expectations, and while it’s not exactly like i’ve been starving for content over quarantine, finding a new musical to obsess over while having access to high quality footage from it? It felt like Kind of a godsend in that moment, so of course i almost immediately picked it up. I knew my mom wouldn’t exactly want to pay for it, but i had a bit of my own money with me so i figured i’d just buy it for myself. However, while initially very hesitant, she actually did offer to buy it for me if i was so dead set on owning the damn thing (which at that point i very much was), so it was win all around!

or so i thought.

I got home, but I wasn’t sure i wanted to watch it immediately. I have a bit of a problem with getting ahold of media i want to consume, and then sitting on it forever. I remembered it just a week or two ago, and immediately set about watching it. I may have had to kick my sibling out of the basement living room, but they were getting ready to go to sleep anyways¯\_(ツ)_/¯. So i take the box out of the plastic packaging, started watching it, and i was amazed. I had heard good things about it, but nothing in the world could have prepared me for how stupidly well-put-together it was! The costumes i think were what really stuck out to me upon first blush, especially Squidward’s. seriously, those legs are one of the coolest costume pieces i have ever seen. And then came Pearl’s big number, and holy SHIT she did not have to go that hard, but she fucking did and the world is a better damn place for it. Needless to say, my watching experience was going great.

then Super Seastar Savior happened, and the world came crashing down around me.

I have interjected my own story multiple times here, simply because i fancy myself a kind enough person to not put a wall of unbroken text on whichever poor soul’s dash this monstrosity happens to appear, and also i’m an overly dramatic little shithead (if you couldn’t already tell at this point). However, this interruption actually means something, because as long as i type this stupid bullshit to you, i don’t have to think about what comes next, and believe you me, it is not fun. Allow me to remind you, wonderful individual who has made it this far, that i got this dvd brand fucking new. I took the plastic off, and there was no signs of tampering with the packaging when i looked at it later, but just before Patrick’s big number, something happened.

the footage fucking corrupted. The corruption spreads from before Super Seastar Savior all the way through Tomorrow Is and the whole act one finale, let me tell you when i stumbled upon this my blood fucking boiled. I had been sold a defective product! In that moment I did feel the wrath of the very worst of humanity. Why if I had more of a spine (and a driver’s license) i would have gone straight to target then and there; I would have become that which i hate most: a KAREN. 

It’s probably a good thing my parents were already asleep, but DAMMIT i’m still angry about it.The second act is mostly salvageable, but the disc is almost worthless, but i managed to get REALLY attached to the musical already, and i’m extremely salty about it >:(