#anyways i dont enjoy gender... and i need to actually search for a new therapist.... ugh... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bearrigan37 · 8 years ago

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Mind Vomit, Mind Laundry and Mind Garbage

Hey everyone.

Its been about a year and a half since my last real post. A lot of things have happened since that last post. I am not going to talk about a good chunk of it, because I just plain don't want to. The gist is that I lost a friend, I lost my job and lost my place to live. Thankfully my mother is tolerant of our shenanigans and is letting us stay with her. It's been rough, to say the least. The good things are that my sons are healthy and happy, and get to play around with their cousins and grandparents almost every day. The older one is almost done with his Pre-K, and even has a little ceremony coming up for it.

The thought that this child has grown so much is mind boggling. He's a little cutout of me (unfortunately, but thank the abyss that he also has his mothers genes). He'll start actual Kindergarten soon. His little brother is growing in his teeth, crawling, standing, and damn near walking already. The older one is the young ones favorite person in the world, and that's a big ray of happiness in my otherwise bleak worldview.

My wife has had her ups and downs as well. The school she used to go to that caused her tons of grief is going down for being generally shady and terrible, but the school she is going to now can no longer offer the classes for the degree program she is on. She did, however, get into some classes that will lead to a job with an old folks home, and will make her a CNA. Hopefully that acts as a foot in the door for her to get closer to her career of choice, labor and delivery nursing.

My mom and stepdad are slowly starting to do all the alterations to their house that they have been wanting to do, and seeing them out there painting and cutting wood and doing all their little projects makes my super happy for them. It took them both a long time to finally be in a place that allows that kind of stuff, and they're both finally in a place mentally where they are actually very happy. My sons adore my mom and stepdad, so that's a bonus.

My dad got his shop/cave set up and has a bunch of cool things in there. Amazon Echo turns on his air conditioning and that will always be novel to me. My boys got to spend some time with him recently too. My oldest preferred to play outside, but the younger one had a bit of a fascination with him. His laptop, his beard, the dog, all very exciting to the little guy. Being closer to my parents has brought a good amount of peace to my mind.

In the past year and change, I've done lots of thinking. Lots of anxiety, depression and dysphoria have rushed through me at breakneck speeds. I read an article from Transgender Universe lately that was pretty spot on, I'll link it at the end of this post.

Basically, it talks about the anxiety and mental acrobatics that a person goes through when even thinking about transitioning. It hit all the marks, and I recommend that you all read it. Funny that at the moment I type this paragraph, “Wired Wrong” by Steam Powered Giraffe started playing on my computer.

Anyway.

I lay awake a lot at night. I wake up at all hours in blind panic, or crushing anxiety. I think and think and overthink. The me that is now and the past me, have all laid the foundation for my current life. They've laid down the building blocks for what I have to deal with later on. I did a lot of things wrong, and a few things totally right, but they are both things that keep me up. Does the future me, the correct me, even have the strength to figure out how to deal with all that later on, when I'll be forced to? My decisions and lifestyle now have basically doomed me, lets breakdown how so that everyone has an idea of whats going on in my head.

First off, the two big things that are doing things to my general mental and physical health are my diabetes and my gender dysphoria. Because of the diabetes, I can’t take the pills for transitioning, because the pills are bad for your kidney and liver. The other options are injections or cream/ointment/patches. The injections are the most effective way of taking the hormones, and the cream is the least effective way. The injections are on a national shortage, and there is no real sign of that shortage coming to an end. I'm not sure how the cream would play out for me, honestly. I've been too in my own head to actually call my doctor and find out. More on that later.

Everything that has happened in the past year and change has stopped me dead in my tracks in doing whats best for me. I haven't called doctors, I haven't taken medicine, I haven't gone to school, I've done nothing. Well, I did finally get to go camping, and took a few trips into the desert with my brother in law, those always helped clear my head, but now its spring and my allergies would literally kill me if I stayed outside for too long. I got pericarditis last spring, every time I sneezed or coughed, it would create too much pressure on my heart and stop it momentarily because of a build up of fluid in the pericardium, or something like that. This happened because of viral infection, because allergies.

I worry about everything. I don't sleep, because I think of what is going to happen in the future. When I finally find work again, how far into my transition can I go before things get awkward, or violent for me? How long before someone finds a reason to fire me that allows them to claim that it wasn't discrimination? How do I explain myself to my sons teachers? What do I do if one of the parents of my sons friends decides my son can’t play with their child because of who I am? What do I do when faced with all that? How can I even justify going through with my transition, using all that money when it could be used to pay bills, pay for food, pay for doctors, or even just buying toys for my babies? This whole thing terrifies me. I'm scared to exist, merely because existing the way I want to exist could mean no job, no house, no life if I'm not careful, as in I could be killed because of what I am. The thing that scares me more than that is what will happen to my kids and my wife if I start presenting and people make the connection. Everything that could happen to them keeps me awake.

I can't justify putting myself first at all. I need to put other people before me. I have a compulsion to do small things for myself to keep myself sane, like archery or hiking, but in the long run, I will never allow myself to put myself first. This leads to more problems.

Like my steadily declining health.

In that regard, I am purposefully putting off everything because of stupid reasons. Its like those fetch quest strings. Go get this, so that you can get this thing from that guy, who'll give you a thing to give to that guy over there who needs this other thing because blah blah blah. I put off working out because my back and feet wont allow me to work out in the ways I want/need to, but I dont go to the doctors to fix those things because [reasons], [bullshit], and [nonsense].

My diabetes is uncontrolled. I have had plenty of opportunities to go to doctors of all kinds of different fields to get me healthy. Doctors for my feet, my organs, my eyes, my back, doctors to get my weight down, start meal planning for a gastric sleeve, therapists, etc, etc, etc. I don't go. I never go. I know I should. I need to get myself into shape. I need to get the fatty tumor on my liver taken care of. I need to get insoles for my feet. I need to stay alive, but I hardly want to.

Because its inconvenient for everyone else.

I have to go to the doctor, well then I need to use the car to go way out to the outskirts of town to see her. I have to see another doctor later, and another later, well I've already used a ton of gas to do that, and I cant forget about how last time I went out to see my doctor, the tire went flat so we had to pay for new ones. Cant let that happen again. Doctors appointments at weird times? Cant try to get someone to babysit, they might be doing something else, I don't want to bother them. I'll just not go. It's easier that way.

That's how it goes.

Hell, even right now I feel terrible writing this instead of searching for a job. I mean, I know there isn't much more I can do to find one, short of getting out and going to places instead of applying online. I just feel bad. I don't really even play games anymore, because I feel guilty enjoying myself instead of providing, or even just trying to provide. I play strictly mobile games now, and the ones I play I just play because I'm part of groups and don't want to let them down. I'm playing a tabletop Fallout game with my wife that I created, mostly because she has been wanting to play D&D for a long time. My game is unpolished and rough, but she's enjoying it, so that's what matters.

I'm not writing this to complain, mostly. I'm going to complain anyway, because I try not to in real life, so I'm writing this on the off chance that more than five people read this. I'm writing this so that if there are any people that feel the same thing, they know that they aren't alone. The only reason I am comfortable typing this out in the first place is because I think only five to ten people read these when I put them out. Some of my dearest, closest friends have no idea who I am, even though I laid it out plain in the past posts. I guess that in a sense, it is a bit of a cry for help, but I'm allowed at least one, right?

Anyone?

*Ahem*.

Losing my job is the worst thing. I had started working at Sportsman's Warehouse, at the archery counter. It was great. Talk about bows, shoot bows, fix bows, and when I'm not doing that, head over to the gun counter and talk about guns, or do some minor work on scopes, sighting in rifles or whatever. Stock the shelves and clean when there is downtime. It was a fun, easy job. I lost the job because I fucked up an interaction with a customer, and mistakenly thought he wouldn't fire the air rifle I just cocked. Well he did, it was loud, and some people thought it was loaded. Corporate HR and Corporate LP decided I had to go. The managers did what they could for me but, I don't think they could even do much. I loved that job, I enjoyed the company of all the people I worked with. My bosses were cool.

All gone now.

Since I am living with my mom, there have been more troubles. My mom and step dad really like everything to be clean and neat, but I'm very lethargic most of the time. I try to help with cleaning and whatnot, but I just don't have the motivation. I know in my head that I shouldn't need motivation, I should just do it because I’m a god damn adult and that's what adults are supposed to do but... eh. Granted, I'm cleaning more here than I did when I was on my own.

My oldest son keeps telling us that he wants to go home, or go to the new house. Having to tell him that we are home, that there is no new house, and watching his little heart break is just the worst thing.

Living with my mom and step dad is great. We all get along great, we have fun and things aren't bad. I just know that we are a bit of an inconvenience. We dirty the house, eat the food, use the water, and don't really do much to help other than cleaning or occasionally buying beer. I wish there was more we could do, but I don't even know what there could be, without income anyway. We have money, but we need to use it to get a place, if there even is a place that will take us with no income, even if we can pay 6 months all at once.

Another thing is that my uncle was supposed to move down a while back, but the only place he can stay is here at my moms. We're still here, so he cant move down. I don't think he will move down until he knows we are back on our feet and stable. He's just like that, he likes to make sure everyone else is comfortable. He doesn't want to impose, I guess. Something like that. We create more inconveniences. So I'm a huge ball of anxiety and guilt and awful. This all contributes to the decline of my mental health. Dysphoria itself is bad enough but damn, just add everything else up and there's just a massive shitstorm on the horizon and I don't know whats going to happen when it hits. I don't know.

Additionally, I don't talk to anyone anymore. I don't know if I don't talk to them because of whats happening, or I just don't, or anything. I don't anymore. I would like to. I would, but I just don't. I guess its that motivation thing from before.

I mean, at this point I feel like I'm just rambling, but this is an important thing for people to know. Contact with humans outside of family is important. Having friends is important. I talk to a few of them online, but rarely.Plus I need to say all this stuff and not actually say it.

Point is, I don't know what my point is. I've got issues.

Everyone has issues, I know. I know that this is also my outlet, my way of letting people know how I feel about things and letting people know stuff about my life. It started out as my Daddy Blog thing and man did that go downhill fast. I feel the need to apologize for the content of these posts, though I know I have no reason to. Should be a little gateway into my head. I open myself to the public for that reason, to give people that gateway. Maybe something I type out and ramble about helps someone. Who knows?

God I hate posting these things, but I have to do it. I have to let it be known. Even if it makes me want to throw up because of nervousness. It’ll all just get worse if I don't.

Thanks for reading.

Links for more reading (Better reading)

My dads Amazon page! He has a ton of books.

https://www.amazon.com/Ron-Washburn/e/B008MN7D2U

My friends blog, she has adventures and ideas!

http://nearlyeloquent.com/

Transgender Universe article, and really just check out the site.

http://transgenderuniverse.com/2017/04/03/the-darkest-moments-in-a-transgender-existence/

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