#anyways i am going to bed because it is 3am. thank you writing-hat for giving me a reason to stay up late when i have class in the morning💗

[borkwolf]

hello everybody and welcome to another episode of Try Not To Draw Another New Thing Because You Already Have Too Many WIPs To Work On Challenge! where i. try to finish my wips instead of ignoring them and making new drawings. again

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

[piratekane]

Fic Writers Week 2017 - Day 1

Words of Validation - As a reader, give some feedback. As a writer share some of your favorite comments.

Reader I will be the first to admit: I am bad at giving feedback. I consume fanfiction daily, but the habit of commenting is not one that has stuck with me easily. Sure, sure. In a moment, when talking directly to Pocket FriendsTM, I can give feedback. But alone at 3am, laying in bed? It’s not a thing that happens. That being said, I wanted to highlight some of my absolute always-go-back-to fics that I’ve probably never commented on, but adore (that are limited to Wayhaught and Bechloe fics, atm, because sitting here sifting through the toxic love affair I had with G*** is too much). 

Open Range Hearts by thewaywedo33 / @thewaywedo33 (Wayhaught) First of all, this is magnificent. Your story, admittedly, got me into Wayhaught. I’d been seeing it on my dash and I went over to ao3 and was, like, what even is there to read? The answer was... not much. But this fic was there and I opened it hesitantly and damn. I don’t like horses. If I never meet a horse by its first name, I’ll be glad. But the world you created, keeping all of the characters in their lanes and dropping them into this what-Purgatory-could-be environment (because I can totally see it as a running farm) is just amazing. You have such a way with words that I find myself going back to the scene in the barn where they give in and I live that moment - Nicole’s pleading for Waverly to stop doing this thing that neither of them can control, Waverly’s hot and cold confusion. Also, the hat falling to the ground? I don’t know why I love that single detail so much, but I do. (I think it’s because - and I’m so guilty of this myself, until I reread a few times - people forget things like that? It’s like a math problem. If a woman is wearing a cowboy hat, and a second women launches herself at the first with a velocity of attraction, is she wearing a hat by the time their lips touch?)

Tripping, Stumbling, Flipping, Fumbling by TheGaySmurf / @iamthegaysmurf (Wayhaught) Let me make a list of the things I love about this fic, in no particular order: the vague opening where you’re like, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY NICOLE?!; Doc letting it slip; Waverly being like, rules, what rules? Let me back there; the hilarious series of unfortunate events that Nicole experiences, THE FACE THAT IT HAPPENED WHILE HOLDING AN ‘ACCIDENT PREVENTION PLAN’ BINDER;  and just the love. I love the love. 

if we never take the first step (let’s get a move on) by socallmedaisy / @socallmedaisy​ (Wayhaught) I’m sure (I hope) that I gushed about this fic to you, directly, but I also want to leave a comment, because it’s beautiful. Immediately, I love the way Wynonna’s whiskey makes her forget to whisper. I love the way Waverly slides in and makes that soft ache in Nicole’s chest (she knows Wynonna doesn’t like, cue the Han Face) disappear. AND THEN WYNONNA CALLS NICOLE A HERO and the spot in my heart, the one for the WynHaught bromance, it lights up like a fireworks display. Honestly, the whole thing is just what I needed and it settles in my chest like a good hug, if that makes sense. When they finally get to those three words, it feels like all of this up and down and crazy life they lead is worth it. You make it feel like it’s worth it. Also, the visual of Nicole with a sleeping baby on her chest is just... it’s magical.

heaven talks (but not to me) by belikeabumblee / @belikebumblebee I love this story. I love the relationship-building between Wynonna and Nicole. I love the way Nicole steps back and gives Waverly the space she needs, that she comforts her and feeds her, and then at the same time, is not afraid to verbalize that Waverly needs to get her shit together. I love when relationships are shown this: when one person gives the other space to grieve, to come to terms with a big truth, but doesn’t let them sink themselves in that pit of despair; when one person steps up and says, I know you think you need this but I know you and you need to do that before you can move on from this. I love when people talk to each other and you had them talk so beautifully, so honestly. I just... I love this story.

stare into the sky until we’re blind by lescousinsdangereux (Bechloe) YOU DID A ROAD TRIP FIC. Okay, but I need you to know: the part where they get out of a speeding ticket was, hands down, one of my favorite things about this fic. I feel like Beca is written so... restrained? And the way she’s so obviously flustered here is fantastic. Additionally, the way you picked the moment Chloe falls for Beca to be when she’s rapping is such a perfect throwback to the shock and then delight on Chloe’s face in the first movie, when she starts going with ‘No Diggity.’ Just the choices you made, plot- and word-wise are fantastic, magnificent, and now I’m re-reading this from start to finish. 

You Still Make Sense To Me (Your Mess Is Mine) by wherehopelies (Bechloe) This hits all of my trope weaknesses - fake dating, roommates to girlfriends, getting a pet. I mean, this fic was, like, written specifically for me, I’m pretty sure. I just want to thank you for making me fall in love with a dog named Potato (and giving him an godmother). I want to thank you for having absolutely no one be surprised about Beca and Chloe finally dating. I want to thank you for the delicious slow burn that is these two idiots being in love without knowing their in love. Also also also, your use of David Guetta is 10/10 and, like, I don't know how you pulled that off without making it super cheesy, but you did.

Forgive Me These November Days by obstinate_questionings (Bechloe) I read this often. I’m not going to lie. I read this frequently. I love love love love the way you write Chloe, specifically. I love the way you explore the way she thinks and the way she acts. I especially love how in-character she feels, especially because in the film, her character traits are very fleeting and hard to grab onto. I’ve seen people pull out the party-girl trait and run with that. But this Chloe? The one you’ve built from a few small character-building scenes in the movie? My heart aches. Also, this is the best Chloe-Aubrey friendship I’ve ever read. Ever. And I will continue to come back to this fic again and again and again.

Writer One of my favorite things about posting a story is refreshing my email. I love waking up the morning after posting a story and opening my email and seeing comments from people who read it while I was sleeping. There are so many amazing people who comment, but I just want to pull out a few that really stuck in my ribs over the last few weeks.

swagche on live our lives together day by day

Reading this one was like buying a new album from your favorite band and just being perfectly reminded why you fell in love with them in the first place while enjoying their growth.

I JUST REALLY LOVE THIS SERIES.

I read this sentence over and over again and decided it’s the best damn compliment I could have ever received. It immediately reminded me of, like, 

jaguarspot on yesterday and days before (sun is cold and rain is hard)

For an 80s music AU, this one had almost no music, which is fitting seeing as a part of the music in their lives just faded

Writing this Curtangst was just as hard as I’m assuming it was to read it. This series has become so much a part of my life (you think I’m kidding but right now, Survivor’s Vital Signs is blasting on my cassette player for the fifth time today) that it was so important to set Curtis up and to make his death resonate across all of the characters who interacted with him daily, who mattered to him. To be honest, Curtis plays such a large part of their musical history (which you guys will see eventually) that having someone nail it head of the head so perfectly... It floored me. It absolutely floored me.

forgetthesun on it's like i wrote every note with my own fingers

Is this your opus? Your heart and soul has poured into every crevice of this story. I haven't stayed up until 2am reading fic for years but this, this kept me awake all night. And the music was to die for.

It felt like a combination of a love story to 80s music/movies and to the middle era of fic - how exactly did you pull off a songfic btw? I was a bit late to the Wayhaught party and hadn't been interested in reading about them before I saw there was a story written by you.

It must be over ten years now that I've been reading your work and I haven't once been disappointed. Even back in the angst days there was always a level of hope in your stories (however deep it might have been buried) and it's wonderful to read your more recent pieces where the balance of angst to hope has been tipped on its head.

I'm so looking forward to reading the rest of this series and listening to all those wonderful mixtapes! Nicole's anxiety over getting those tapes right was so perfect. It had my fingers itching to hit the buttons of a dual deck again.

I love this comment for many reasons. I joined fandom at such a young age, that I’ve already been in ‘the game’ for... ten years? Definitely longer. It’s probably actually more like twelve, to be honest. (Which is why I see fandom ‘grandma’ posts and laugh, because, like I am one.) Anyway, what is so cool about fandom, and one of the things I love about this comment, is that forgetthesun is right - they started reading my work nearly ten years ago. Back when all we had were glances and lingering brushes of hands and people created worlds from a .02 second moment in time. My work used to be angst, angst, angst. And I’m so fucking grateful someone followed me out of that dark time to now, to better days. (I’m also looking at you, @iamthegaysmurf.) The other reason I love this comment is because they’re right; this is my opus. I have - and continue to - put so, so much of myself into this. I also put so much of Smurf into it, as well. I feel like out of everything I’ve ever written, this one just... feels different. It feels like more. It feels like everything. (Also, dude, if I knew how in the hell I pulled off a songfic, I would send myself back in time and rewrite all the songfics I ever did, I swear to god.)

tl;dr - go back and read it, you cowards (I say, with affection)

Fic Writers Week 2017