#anyways have some hopefully-not-too-rambly thoughts and a super short semantics/linguistics essay

[raavenb2619]

Tl;dr: QPRs aren't inherently amatonormative, but they are sometimes (occasionally? semi-frequently?) talked about in an amatonormative way, including by aros talking to other aros. And when aros complain about QPRs being talked about in an amatonormative way, everyone (other aros included) should take that seriously.

I've sometimes seen aros talk about QPRs in an amatonormative way. It's hard to say how frequently it happens, but it does happen sometimes, and I'm definitely not a fan of it. That shouldn't be the way that we (aros) talk about them. And if someone says something is amatonormative, we should treat that as a serious complaint instead of brushing it off because "well I'm aro and I'd never be amatonormative".

I'm in a QPR and I try my best to make sure that it's free of amatonormativity, but occasionally amatonormativity has cropped up in my own thinking too, and it takes someone else pointing it out for me to even notice it. Maybe there's a lesson there that "you are not immune to amatonormativity" applies to aros too, even the ones that think they've totally unlearned it. Or maybe, unlearning a societal pressure isn't a one-time thing; it's a continuous process that requires you to stay vigilant, to self-reflect and think critically about your own thoughts and actions.

I also wonder to what extent this is caused by the aro community being too small and not having enough awareness about aromanticism in the queer community/world in general. Because it is worth talking about QPRs and making sure people know that they're an option, but it is super super important too to make sure people know that not being in a relationship is an option, that being nonpartnering is an option. And maybe if there was more awareness and discussion of how aromanticism can be different for different people, aros wouldn't feel so much like they're struggling to tell their own story and have their story be heard.

I'm also reminded of the aro census making me spend 10 minutes choosing between "yes", "no", and "unsure" to answer "are you single?". Even though I'm in a QPR, I still feel an attachment to the idea of singlehood, and making sure that people can know they don't have to be in a relationship is really important to me personally, because "you don't have to be in a relationship" was really helpful and impactful for younger aro me.

In these discussions, I also wonder to what extent seemingly innoculous phrases can have a bigger impact than one might expect? Let's compare (1) "aros can still be in a QPR", (2) "aros can be in a QPR", and (3) "some aros want to be in QPRS, but other's don't". I find (1) to be amatonormative and arophobic, with the word "still" contributing the most to that. (1) feels like it is trying to correct an amatonormative/arophobic assumption held by the listener (maybe "aros are always lonely" or "being aro is sad because you won't ever be in a relationship with someone"), but the way in which it responds to that assumption validates the assumption. (1) feels like it is saying "your amatonormative assumption has merit, but aros can still be happy". I find (2) to be similar to (1), not as strong due to the lack of "still", but generally in the same boat. I find (3) to be the only good phrase out of the three, because the word "some" usually means "some but not all", and "but other's don't" explicitly highlights the diversity of aro experiences. Also, (3) doesn't validate (or even suggest the existence of) a speaker's harmful assumption; it only points out possibilities. (*takes off linguistics hat*)

I think there's a genuine conversation to be had about how aro spaces have begun pushing QPRs in a similar way that amatonormativity pushes romantic relationships onto people but a majority of aros just refuse to engage in the discussion because they see it as an attack on QPRs or people saying QPRs are romantic relationships lite instead of actually looking at the fact it's critiquing how some Aros have begun pushing it almost like an alternative to romance and something all Aro's want.

No one is saying QPRs are bad but rather that there is too much push that the idea of a QPR will fix people's problems. "oh you're lonely? just find a QPR!" "You dont have to be in a romantic relationship you can be in a QPR!" "QPR is MORE than friendship" etc etc.

There's a genuine critique here of QPRs being used to continue to push amatonormativity by again assuming that every aro wants a partner - even if not romantic - and I think we can have a genuine conversation about this rather than going at each other throats over a fake argument of "QPRs bad"