#anyways gotta blast have a good day tumblr void

[shinotail]

in light of the nose reveal,,,,

[wasteyrselfkid]

on days i feel like no one will get it

i come to tumblr, and while i know people (i may or may not know) can read this - i like how it feels like i'm screaming into the void.

things...are....not...great. and my pessimistic self would say, when are they ever? but things are okay sometimes. and i like it when they're just okay, that's enough (especially on a day like this). i don't want my days to be filled with love and light and rainbows, i'll take days that are just ordinary - where i have my coffee without looming anxiety, and eat my lunch without shivering at the thought of weighing myself, and do my work without feeling like i've failed at life. that's all i ask for.

i enjoy my company so very much, but not today, or this week, i want to run away from myself - astral project while i am awake. i feel lonely. i texted my friends saying 'i have been feeling extremely existential, maybe it's just my depression creeping in again' (well, it's always there, just not as loud) and their response was 'oh it might be the weather changes' - oh how i wish it is. i hope it's just the weather. it rained and thundered today for exactly 30 minutes and i felt seen - so maybe it is the weather. but i doubt it, a very experienced guess.

i haven't smoked a fucking cig in over 2 months and today i almost did. i cried for a good while after work ended and i changed my outfit 5 times before going to the gym. i almost cried on my way too. gym was great, as per usual, i blast the saddest songs and it hurts so good - i wish it was a coping mechanism that last longer - i would lift heavy things for hours if i could. anyway, on my way back when the endorphins dissolved, i thought a cig would fix how i am feeling, atleast temporarily. or atleast, i self-sabotage myself to make myself feel worse. win-win. i almost walked to the cig shop but turned around, i said, let me walk around the block and if i still feel like smoking - i'll do it. so i walked around the block. then i forced myself to go home.

moral of the story is that i'm trying to be better, but everything is working against me. it's just one of those weeks, months, where i feel like i've lost the fight or atleast it's not worth fighting. i just deleted instagram and the last time i did back in 2020, my mental health improved a little - so i hope it works now too - gotta take all the shots i guess. anyway, i'd love to absolutely disappear or scream at everyone or smoke a 1000 cigs or just disappear. but no i hope it's just the weather.