#anyways ding dong the bastard man is dead

[cinnamonanddean]

Right I predict Descent is going to need to be done live:

Dang are we killing Lionel right in the cold open??

Oh wow, so Lionel was in Smallville on purpose? That's wild. And he brought Lex. Father of the Year.

God, I hate Lionel so much, but I'll give him credit: he's spinning this really well

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Rot in piss, old man.

Oooh on the stairs, that's nasty. Splat.

Hey that's the lady from the episode with the strippers

Oooh Clark keeping pace with him, suspicious baby

Is this chick supposed to be Mercy?? She just shows up as Assistant

Oh no, Gina. Hmm I think her lifespan has just dramatically shortened.

Oh honey, you weren't made for patricide. You care too much, even now.

Ah I see we're going to have to use the CSI "enhance!" tactic on this photo. Because that's how it works.

OH SHIT GIRL BE CAREFUL

Gina, you're being waaaay too touchy for someone who only just got a nametag

Uh ohhhhhh

"he's our friend" 🥺

Clark, how DARE you try and put the burden of parental love on Lex. That's fucked up.

What a garbage friend you are, Clark Kent.

Who's the guy??

Jesus Christ, he killed his baby self in a fireplace. Dark.

Lionel doesn't deserve anythiiiiing, I hope he's roasting on a spit.

"how can a son murder his own father" "total absence of love" WHERE DO YOU THINK THAT COMES FROM FOLKS?? Lex didn't get that way on his own!

Sweetie did you have to drop the dirt like you were dropping a mic??

[dangan-writing]

I need a n g s t

Kokichi, Nagito and Shuichi with a s/o that’s really forgiving? You could make them end up in the hospital and they’d forgive you

So what if they accidentally kill them and their s/o still forgives them?

If you want, you can do a happy ending where they live! Your choice! :)

╔═══════════════════════════╗

*__ i pick different endings if that's okay Anon, And i picked it to be in the killing game, please tell me if you want it to be changed Anon.

*__ and i apologise if it seems rushed, it's hard to write for 3 character's. And also because you were probably waiting for so long. you can still request for me to remake it Anon, don't worry ^^

*___ Tw -> Ch/king, po/soning, Ka/de, caps, violence, curse words, f/re, injuries

*___Mod Miaya___*

»»———————————- ♡ ————————————««

*___Kokichi Oma___*

When somebody hurts you Kokichi will be fucking rude to them since they don't deserve respect since they hurted you

"Ah Kokichi! Calm down, it didn't hurt that much! I'm okay, see?" You try to move around, but gasping because of the pain "O-Oh.." "See! You got really hurt! That person is gonna get it!!" Kokichi wails "H-hey, i forgive them.. it's not like they murdered me or anything! I'm still here, with just some small injury!" You giggled "Are you that nice?" Kokichi mumbled, before getting up "Hey c'mon! Let's go to Keeboy and have fun with him!" Kokichi smiled mischievously, you laugh "let's go."

That was actually to distract you and go to the person who hurted you and prank the fuck out of the person-

He's concerned about you, i mean. A forgiving S/O? He'll be watching out the people who talks to you, he's a liar. He'll know if they're lying or not. It's impossible for them to hurt you since you have a liar by your side! Impossible he says as he didn't realize they lied in front of his face as you and the person walked away together

After a few minutes passed, he was concerned. Why were you two taking so long? You two must not have been- no, that can't be. Unless...

Shit.. he ran looking after you "S/O!!~ where are you?~ we better not play hide and seek! You'd know i win easily~" he tried to keep up his facade, not wanting to freak himself out... then he saw you tied up, with blood and bruises all over you, with you breathing heavily.

"S/O!" He ran towards you, not even noticing the trap beneath him. As he tried to remove the ropes around you, as he turned around, the door was closed and fire started appearing "Oh shit, t-there was a trap?" He was trying to remove the ropes but it was too tight "Aha.. Don't worry we'll get out of h-here S/O! And we'll get that bastard later for doing this to you dear!" He started to breathe heavily, some smoke blocking his vision. He started to grow weaker "H-ha.. S/O i'm t-truly sorry.." he passed out, luckily people started to bust the door open. The people.. Gonta, and Kaito. With Tenko and the other people "S/O, KOKICHI!" Gonta yelled "Is there any water to put the fire out?" Tenko asked, she doesn't even care if the males save them she just wants them to be saved "I have it here!" Kaito yelled holding some fire grenades with him, he passed the fire grenades to everyone and they started to throw it in the fire

After some minutes, the fire stopped. The others rushed in there finding you two, they picked you two up and put you two in the dorms, Kirumi offered to heal you two. 1st degree burns.. a lot of bruises and blood on you. It took you two two days to wake up.. Kokichi woke up first "nghn.. uh what happened?" Kokichi asked, confused before realizing "ah!- is S/O okay! They better be okay!" Kokichi pouted, looking at Kirumi "they're okay, they just needed more rest then they'll be fine, no need to wory Kokichi. I attended to their injuries quickly after everyone pulled you two out of the fire, they are right next to you Kokichi." Kokichi looked next to him to see you beside him resting peacefully "oh damn, nishishi~" Kokichi looked at Kirumi "Can you leave? I have something to do, like a leader would do!" Kokichi just want to cuddle you actually. Kirumi did as he said, but she knew that he wanted to cuddle you after seeing you there beside him, she smiled.

Cuddling..

After some cuddling you woke up aswell due to his constant moving

"Mmmm Koshi..?" You groaned, half asleep. You rubbed your eyes for a bit "Heeeeey your awake noow! You take too long to wake up!" Kokichi childishly pouted, it's too adorable to be guilty with it, you laugh "That's not going to work in me, that's too adorable y'know?" Kokichi tried his scary face, it's a little intimidating. But it's still cute "still cute-" "Man can't you be scared of me!?" Kokichi cried out! Shaking his arms like a child

After you two were okay now, everyone besides one was trying to find the person who almost killed the both of you

It took 1-2 hours to find the the person who did this

It.. was Angie?

"Uhm.. Why did you try to kill S/O and uh, Ouma-san?" Shuichi asked Angie, who was tied up in a chair "Ahhh~ S/O wanted to give their blood to Atua! That's what Atua told Angie!~" Angie was cheerful as always. Almost everyone didn't believe that "Hey you almost killed me and my dearest S/O!" Kokichi wailed trying to attack Angie, but Gonta was holding onto him as Shuichi said, Angie laughed "S/O offered me some of their-" Shuichi isn't having none of it "Listen.. uhm, you almost killed S/O and Kokichi, how is that uh- related to Atua? And you started a fire for hell's sake...!" Shuichi yelled at Angie, Angie didn't smile. It sended chills on all of their spines.. it wasn't normal for her to not smile, since she always smiles. Seems like she isn't gonna talk for the time "Guys, please don't worry, i forgive her." You jumped in "WHAT? She almost killed you y'know!?" Kaito yelled "Yeah! The idiots right! Angie killed you!" "She's not dead you fuckin' brat!" Miu yelled at Kokichi "h-huh? That w-was uncalled for!" Oh dear now she messed up "W-Wai-" "WWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Kokichi wailed, annoying the others, especially Korekiyo, Kaito, and Maki. They left as soon Kokichi started to cry, except for Kaito-

"Like i said, i forgive her. I'm still alive anyways so that's good right?"

"You forgivable cutie.." Kokichi mumbles

»»———————————- ♡ ————————————««

*___Nagito Komaeda___*

He's a bit protective, you forgive people so easily. He doesn't mind if it's the hopeful people but, the despairful people?? Fuck no he won't let them go to you ever again, he has a quick eye. He'll catch them if they are looking at you

"S/O! Why do you forgive such despairing ugly humans, they hurted you!" Nagito spoke, angrily confused, you are filled with hope thats what he loves but you are a bit too considerate about *everyone's* feelings, even if it's a inanimate object you still refuse to break it.. you really are filled of hope.. too much hope "Huh? Why i forgive people all the time? Uhm... it's just my nature to forgive them, i am aware of how forgiveful i am. I forgive them, but that doesn't mean i like them, listen.. i forgive people but i stay away from them. I can understand when i forgive someone when they hurted me for so long, that's why you never see me with the people i know that hurted me Nagito." You try to give an explaination, of course. You know it isn't all but you decided to give an answer for him to know "S/O.. i.. i understand, how stupid am i to question such hope!" Nagito please calm down we care for you-

You saw him walking, bringing some stuff. Is.. is that poison? Spear, rope, speakers... what is he planning again? He walked inside the warehouse, you need to stop him from being reckless again. But you didn't move from your spot, you waited for a little while. Then you heard fireworks? Then.. running, everyone? They walked to the warehouse, Akane trying to bust the door open. You still stayed im your spot, trying to see if someone is doing stupid. Eventually Akane busted the door open, then you heard

Fire. What the hell? Wasn't Nagito in there? Shit.. You run in the warehouse

"NAGITO!!" you yelled, trying to get the fire canisters and threw them on the fire, it only made the fire more bigger? It's a fire canister.. isn't it suppose to put the fire out? Soon everyone moved and threw the individual fire canister's

Soon enough, the sprinklers put the fire out. You stood up "NAGITO ARE THERE!?" You tried to run in but Monokuma stopped you "Uh-Oh! Unfortuantely you can't be in here for now! Now get out so i can fix this damn warehouse!" You all got kicked out, after 6 minutes Monokuma appeared "Yahhoo, now it's finished now go in there you damn kids!" it's finally done.. honestly it felt like forever. But no time for that, you all ran in the warehouse "hmnn, i smell somethin'.." Akane's nose twitched like a beast when she said that "...That's probably because of the fire earlier.." Chiaki said, and Chiaki pointed out the there was space in the curtains from here, Hajime walked next to the curtain. You felt sick, it can't happen to him plea-

Ding dong bing bong! A body has been discovered! After a certain amount of time, a class trial will begin!

Screams, Kazuichi, Sonia.. and of course you.

You ran to his body begging that this isn't real "plEASE THIS ISN'T- ISN'T R-REAL" You sobbed, the others felt pity.. They tried to drag you away from his body, of course they did take you away from his body.

You eventually pass out from crying, too tired to investigate for the trial. They dragged you in the trial room, you wouldn't wake up so they had no choice but to drag you in the trial. Few minutes later you woke up

"N-Nagito.. set one of us as the killer..." what? Set one of us?

"Huh? What do you mean he set someone as the murderer..?" you asked in disbelief, Hajime explained what basically happened while you were asleep, you just stood there. You tried to focus, you threw a fire canister in the fire, but it only made the fire larger than before.

What...? This.. is unfair unfair- no.

»»———————————- ♡ ————————————««

"I know who did it." You spoke, interrupting their panicking which they snapped out of it when they looked at you "You only decide to talk now!?" Kazuichi yelled, obviously scared for his life "yeah" you nod "uhm.. may i ask who it is?" Sonia nervously asked, you sighed heavily "uh, it's me."

"W-what!? That can't be true! You saved me when i was starvin'!' Akane yelled out "Huuuuuhhh!? What the hell? S/O bought you some food?! That w-wasn't supposed to be allowed-" Monokuma looked dumbfounded until he was cut off "Who the hell cares!? They still saved me.." Akane looked down, it felt like Nekomaru's death all of a sudden..

Hajime and others felt like crying, you were like a leader trying to protect them even though you forgive people too easily "..." Chiaki didn't said anything, she just looked at you. You smiled at her "Do... do you forgive Komaeda-san for what happened S/O?" Chiaki asked "of course not! He set them up as the culprit you kno-" "Yes." You answered, ignoring Kazuichi's comment "hnm, you still forgive him? After he set you up S/O?" She tilt her head "yes, i know he must have a reason. He wouldn't kill someone for his own benifit, that's what i deduced, i believe he has a reason for this. He loves hope, he thinks me as his hope. He wouldn't just throw me away without an explanation, why would he call me a despairing person? I.. yes, i forgive him.." you lowered your head, you didn't understand any of this, why would he kill himself and you?

"Alrighty! Time to vote! Who would be chosen as the blackened?" Monokuma butted in the conversation "Goodbye everyone.. please remember me and everyone in this damned killing game." You smiled, looking at everyone. You are terrified of what kind of execution you have, but you tried to forget it.

This.. is goodbye for me.

S/O has been found guilty, time for the execution!

Right.. goodbye.

I forgive you all for..

*___Shuichi Saihara___*

The same with the two guys, he'll be pretty protective of you since you are so forgiving, there's a high chance you'll get killed because of your friendly nature and he doesn't want that to happen, not ever

"S-S/O, please try to be less considerate.. N-Not that you should be r-rude to anyone! I mean.. you s-shouldn't forgive p-people that easily, even if they are s-sorry. They hurted you uhm, S/O you don't have to feel o-obligated to forgive them." He hugged you, making you feel protected. You laughed

"Ahah, Shuichi. Thank you, i understand that i shouldn't forgive people that easily but, we really are just like that. No matter how many times they hurted us we forgive them. we people, are like that." You tighten the hug, smiling onto his chest

"S-S/O!" He screamed as he rushed towards you, you choking. He didn't realize he put in the poison instead the water.

"S/O DON'T DIE YET PLEASE" Shuichi was panicking, he is gonna murder his own S/O because he was losing sleep that he didn't realize that he put poison in your drink.

'Please pleaee please please please please please please please please please please please please pleaee please please please please please please please please'

..it....

..It was too late? He looked at your dead body.

"S-S/O.. I.. I'm so sorry... i'm such a failure.." he caressed your face. Sobbing, Before.

Ding dong bing bong! A body has been discovered, after a certain amount of time, a class trial will begin!

"WH-WHAT THE HELL!?" Miu screamed out, she rushed to hide in Kaito's back "EEEEEEIIIII, POOICHI IS THE MURDERER!" "What the hell Shuichi!" Kaito stumbled back a bit. Their screams of terror alerted the others, making Kaede, with Tsumugi and Rantaro on her trail.

"H-huh Shuichi!?" "Aaaauuuhh! The killing has started! It's much more different than Sakura's death on Danganronpa trigger happy hav-" "S-Shuichi.." Kaede, Tsumugi, and Rantaro reacted altogether, Rantaro ran towards Shuichi pushing him and trying to do something so he couldn't move "Anyone here have any rope? We need to tie him up first before questioning whats happened." Rantaro stated, looking up at the others "I-I'm sorry.." Rantaro looked down at Shuichi "you will have to explain yourself later, we don't know if you are the culprit, but be honest later on aight?" Shuichi didn't reply

Korekiyo walked in the scene, with a velvet colored rope in hand "i heard that you will be needing this, and so i give this rope to you Amami-san.." Korekiyo handed him the rope " Thanks Kiyo." Amami tied up Shuichi but didn't question on how Korekiyo found the rope but he isn't complaining "Kekehehe.. it is no problem Amami-san..." weirdo..

After they tied him up, they investigated the crime scene first before talking to him because that will waste their time, as they all went to the trial grounds, with Shuichi still tied up. Kaito guarding so he couldn't run away.

"So.. Shuichi, Why did you plan on killing your S/O. Your S/O." Rantaro said. Even if he is not your S/O he cared abiut you deeply, to just see your dead body fuels him with rage "Y-yeah.. Why Shuichi, you guys loved eachother so deeply, i don't understand why you k-killed them." Kaede tried not to sob, but horribly failed "I... i-i didn't mean to kill them, i was tired, stupid.. just vote me out already, i don't care if i die." .. Nobody tried to argue against him, he already admitted it, no point of arguing anyway

"Man you guys got it right! That was boring. an accidental death! Woohoo surely they wouldn't forgive him, he killed them. They wanted to live, yet. You.. killed... them! Puhuhuhu..lets get with on it, i have a special punishment for the ultimate detective, Shuichi Saihara!" Some of the people were clenching their fists, the ultimate detective.. was going to get executed "Let's give it everything we've got! It's... PUNISHMENT TIIIME!"

...

..

.

Huh? What..

What? Why is he, in a pod? He saw someone outside of the pod..is that? No way, S/O?

You opened the pod, smiling at him "well hello there Shuichi, it's so good to see you again." You held his hand, he looked dumbfounded, soon tears started to build up "S-S/O!" He hugged you tightly, not wanting to let go "I'm s-so sorry.. i didn't mean to kill you! I-i... you can hurt me, anything to make you satisfied with what happened.." Shuichi begged you to do it.. he's sobbing, he's so sorry "it's okay dear, i know you didn't mean it! I forgive you! I don't care how many times you hurt me, i'll always forgive you Shuhara. I love you too much for me to not forgive you, or anyone." You caressed his face, smiling softly at him.

"A-ah.." he looked down before smiling, you standed up and he followed what you did "Now, let's go and watch the others now Detective Shuhara."

"Of course."

╚═══════════════════════════╝

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 129 Thoughts

This month: More people screaming and dying.

Next month: Probably more people screaming and dying.

Eventually: Just a whole heck of a lot of screaming.

(Not dying because there will be no more people.

They will be dead.)

Sooooooooooooooo.

Uh.

This chapter has people screaming and dying in it.

As well as the continuing strangeness of actively rooting for Reiner and Annie.

Ayep.

Ding-dong, Magath is dead?

Yet again, we land on the problem of a chapter that is largely self-explanatory, and the perhaps deeper problem of people committing themselves to doing a thing once a month, even if they’re not sure they’re able to do said thing. There’s good stuff here, I’m just hesitant to start talking about it lest it comes out like a random spew of instantly forgettable bullet points.

Since I don’t care, I guess we’ll start with Magath dying.

I don’t care. Moving on!

Theo Magath is a man who has always cared for the children under his command. Even though they’re Eldian, he has routinely gone above the expected amount of effort in securing their safety. He is the one who worries and waits for Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, and Marcel to come home. He is the one who destroys the worst of the military he’s a part of so they can stop depending on titans. He cares.

What a fucking bastard.

Keith Shadis dies with him. After a life of trying to make himself special, putting lives at risk every step of the way, he finds an appropriate time to make his exit. He’s the one who raises every fighter out in the port. He’s the one who has watched as the other instructors kill them so that they can find the ones strong enough to make the cut.

He’s the one who picks Eren up and brings him back to his bed after he inherits his father’s burden.

One thing I do think is important to note, whenever I’m inspired to say, ‘Fuck Marley,’ is that Paradis is not great.

Paradis has child soldiers too. They’re just slightly older.

Paradis fully expects their soldiers to go out and die too. Their consent just skates through needing air quotes.

Paradis has a corrupt government run by self-interest -- until they have a coup.

Magath’s job, his entire career, has been to make the most of the enslaved Eldian lives he’s been handed on a platter. It is his job to train children up to murder people. If they are not good enough at murder, they will be fed to other children.

Shadis feels more comfortable. He’s been a reasonable authority figure for most of the manga, with his worst crimes being in his past, and even that reveal coming with a greater show of humanity than any other displayed that night. He tries to run Eren out of the military before he destroys himself. He worries for the boy, and gives a voice to the struggle of trying to be special when you’re most gifted at fucking up.

Paradis’ military, at the start of the main plot, gets its recruits via shaming teenagers into being willing to die, or starving teenagers into being willing to die.

The primary difference between it and Marley’s system is that in that section of the totem pole, the oppression level is relatively neutral. The wall systems are kind of fucked, the nobility is kind of awful -- but like. Their last genocide was what, two years ago? And it was killing poor people, not people people.

Everyone in Paradis’ military has to deal with the fact that they’re in a shrinking safe space and they’re either going to starve, or monsters are going to eat them. That is the great equalizing force. If their commanding officer fucks up, he is going to get eaten. If the person next to them fucks up, they are going to get eaten.

They are not crouching down, approaching tiny children, and explaining that it is for the good of humanity that they are the ones eaten because their blood is dirty. Anymore.

Fuck Marley. Fuck its internment camps, fuck its slavery, fuck its brainwashing, fuck how it turned Good Eldians and Bad Eldians into war rhetoric. Fuck just about everything it has to offer.

Paradis is fucked up in the spirit of everyone there being equally fucked (unless you’re rich) (or nobility). Marley is fucked up because it’s made being fascist, warmongering assholes a national policy.

So you have two men on a boat waiting to die. They’ve both sent children to their deaths. They’ve both pushed over the lines trying to let their uniqueness carry change instead of doing the difficult legwork it actually takes.

One of them is not an active agent of genocide.

One of them is.

They both have sad feelings.

It is sad.

The important part is however badly they fucked up, the traumatized children they’re leaving behind are about to be more traumatized, and they’ve realized what a bad thing this is.

Only not really because Keith did his job, did his first job badly enough to find a new job, did that new job, and has continued doing that new job up to the point where he’s blowing himself up, and has no particular qualms about any of that since he’s pretty much been acting his conscience the whole time.

I’m lingering on this because you have both people who trained up our primary cast making a choice for the good of humanity, and dying the same way. It is a clear and obvious parallel, and it is being milked.

But it’s one of those parallels that makes me twitchy the longer I look at it. Probably because of that conscience part. These men play the same role, but besides their stages having massive differences, their choices do as well.

Magath’s conscience doesn’t stop him from shouting racist rhetoric at a preteen on a battlefield. In his introductory scene.

Shadis’ conscience, however warped some of the intent is, leads to him quitting and passing his job up to someone more qualified.

...Essentially, Shadis is kind of a bastard for a lot of things, but Magath is a fascist bastard, and continues to be a fascist bastard even when he takes steps to overthrow a fascist regime, and I know and appreciate that Magath realizes this and feels bad about it, but it’s hard not to resent the manga comparing Shadis and Magath so strongly.

Magath’s fucked up a lot. It’s good he admits it.

Shadis feels like one more person who sees death as all he has to offer the world.

In a series that actively opposes that line of thought whenever it comes up, it’s really difficult not to find the whole dynamic frustrating. Yes, the manga doesn’t say these two people are the same. They’re just in the exact same boat making the exact same decision.

Like that other group over in their boat.

Shadis is looking to die. Magath is looking to make a last stand.

I don’t think I’m doing a great job of putting into words why it’s so aggravating for me, except, you know. Fuck Marley. Also Magath helped cause all of this. Keith’s sort of sat around feeling various forms of guilt for years over things he screwed up because he was trying so hard.

Shadis forfeits his life.

Every other time someone with that mindset is ready to die, it’s met with no, you’re not done yet.

Shadis doesn’t get that. He’s done. Magath is the only one there to tell him otherwise, and Magath has his own problems.

There’s a vibe here that these two old teachers have outlived their purpose. Their kids are grown, for better and worse, and they’re the ones who will control the turn of the future. I don’t oppose them making that decision, but in Shadis’ case, it really comes off as him being cool with whatever, now that he’s made his stand.

Ugh. I don’t like it, but articulating why is probably best represented by me sulking and crossing my arms. Artistically, I get it. They’re the same piece on opposite ends of a chessboard.

But they’re different people and aaaargh.

Anyway, we continue the proud tradition of making Gabi cry.

Sorry about your life, Gabi.

In other news, we continue to not have any way to stop Eren.

Like.

At all.

We have an estimate of four days before Eren succeeds in wiping out a continent.

Their only chance of stopping that is powering up an airship, using some of that good ol’ talk-no-jutsu, or killing Eren.

If they take the route of killing Eren, all of the Colossals he’s been ordering on their walk will stop being under his command. Because he will be dead. Meaning that the continent, as well as our heroes, will now have to contend with a wild hoard of Colossal Titans out for a stroll.

Which is bad.

It’s basically where Paradis started out, but worse in every possible way.

Even if they manage to have someone on their team eat Eren, there’s a good chance that OG Ymir might not react well to her savior being axed. There’s a similarly good chance that the ability to use the Founder’s power just won’t be functional.

So if they kill Eren, they will stop having intentional destruction.

Instead, we will have unintentional destruction, of which there will be a lot.

Leaving us with talk-no-jutsu.

When the last attempt at talk-no-jutsu led to Armin punching Eren and being bad at it. And Eren punching Armin and being less bad at it.

Basically, everyone’s really hoping that by communicating with Eren, they can somehow make this all go away. There is no evidence that this will work, and no evidence that any of the added backup plans will do anything but cause different problems, but by golly, they’ve completed step .5 of their 3-step plan to maybe changing their circumstances.

(Step 1: Get Air Boat Step 2: Fly Air Boat To Eren Step 3: Talk Eren Out Of Genocide)

BOY I SURE AM HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS PUTTERING ALONG WITH THAT FORWARD PROGRESS. WHAT CHAMPS. GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU’RE STILL FUCKED.

I AM SO HAPPY THAT WE ARE SPENDING ALL THIS TIME ON A PLAN THAT DOES NOT SOLVE THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM OF HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED YOU ALL ARE.

IT IS NICE THAT YOU ALL FEEL LIKE YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING USEFUL THINGS TO YOUR SOCIETY. YOU DO YOU.

YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY HELPING.

BUT MORE OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

I’m not upset, I would just really like all of this to feel meaningful. Right now there’s a ridiculous amount of stress and dead bodies going into a goal that could easily end up pointless.

There’s merit to that as a story, but none of that stress lands properly, because the tension of “will they save the day or won’t they” isn’t dependent on what they’re doing here. The ticking clock might be making the characters stressed, but it’s not where the consequences lie.

I will continue to complain about this every month because I can.

In more positive news, Connie is best boi and no one appreciates him they way that they should.

Once upon a time, Reiner bullied Annie into taking a more active role in murdering Marco.

One of the arguments he used to provoke her was that she saved Connie’s life.

Not long after that, Reiner and some other recruits find themselves stranded in Utgard Castle, where a titan gets in and goes after Connie. Reiner charges in, gets his arm chomped on, and through everyone’s combined efforts, the titan gets shoved out a window.

Annie and Reiner both make the choice to save Connie’s life, even though it does nothing to benefit them.

In this chapter, beheaded and missing their arms, Connie swoops in and saves both of them.

The first taste of this technically goes to Mikasa, because she can’t help being a hero. She doesn’t like Annie. Annie is about the only human being whose existence can make her lose her temper. When a soldier gets behind Annie, Mikasa is there to back her up. It’s done casually and smoothly, because Mikasa’s just that good.

We’re still left with multiple shots of Annie staring at Mikasa.

Later followed with her staring at Reiner.

Annie and Reiner are used to being the traitors. They’re the ones their friends have every reason to hate. They’re the ones who spend years living with the victims of a war they brought to their shores. They’ve never expected forgiveness. They’re condemned, and almost welcome it.

Their trio interplay is never great. Reiner is trying too hard, and shielding Bertolt. Annie gets stuck with the grunt work, and knows they’re the bad guys. They don’t get along. They’re comrades, and allies, but their friendship is never portrayed as anything but their last lifeline.

Reiner and Bertolt are friends.

Annie’s the only one who has her fight with the Survey Corps alone.

This time, Reiner’s there, and he’s protecting her.

If you dig into any combination of these relationships, there’s not exactly a shortage of rot. They’ve all hurt each other, and they all know it.

But at the end of the day, they’re all just a bunch of damaged kids looking to be found.

None of the surviving cast is without a shoulder to lean on. They’ve made the decision to be there for each other, and as bleak as circumstances are, Annie’s face spends so much time this chapter shouting that she’s never been able to have that.

Even Magath, who goes off with the intent of dying alone, doesn’t.

There’s still some human warmth left in the world, and that’s what they’re trying to protect.

Please just do it with an actual plan, I’m begging you guys.

Also, Floch gets shot! So that’s nice.

I do not see a corpse.

That is less nice.

Isayama also gave Falco a fucking birdsona titan.

We’re not without things to cheer.

Tune in next month for more screaming and dead bodies.

[mybeautifulbeautifuleternal]

i couldn’t utter it, i couldn’t whisper it (my love for you was silent); i

Chapter One - But do we really have to?

rating: its a gen fic for The Umbrella Academy

words:6.7k

chapter:1/10

warnings: nothing atypical for the umbrella academy

AO3

a/n: I blame @sam-writes​ for pretty much all of this!

Summary: In one world, the young teenager hid when she abruptly found herself pregnant and she gave birth in secret, left the baby on a random doorstep, and never looked back. Unfortunately, this isn’t that world. In this world, Reginald Hargreeves finds her and takes her baby. It doesn’t end well.

The young women gasped in pain. Her stomach hurt so much. She didn’t know what was happening and her new husband wasn’t around to help her. She started bleeding and her stomach ballooned outward. She lay back on the bed, her stomach bulging out in a massive dome, while the blood continued to seep out of her. She could do nothing but cry as she felt the urge to push.

Hours later, with an outraged and confused husband in tow, she looked up from her new daughter when she heard the knocking on the door. She had a bad feeling about it.

Only 30 minutes later, the eccentric man left with her daughter. She had just sold her daughter away.

She started to cry again.

*

Charlie sighed as she locked her doors. Another good day on the books. She was glad that Mr. Johnston had stopped by again - she always liked to hear from her regulars and she was glad his mother was doing better from her hip surgery. She had had a small group of young teenagers - Sam, Lena, Jonathan, Rachel, and Georgie - come through today and grab some fruit and camp out in her side room to work on their homework. She had wandered through occasionally offering help but receiving it more often than not. She could now say she knew what the mitochondria was and that apparently it was the powerhouse of the cell. Cause apparently that was a thing.

Thanks, dad for all that stellar education you gave us.

She continued her walk through the downstairs, absentmindedly picking up Knickknack - a stray that she’s pretty sure she can’t actually classify as a stray anymore - to check up on her plants. She was encouraging them to grow bigger, to grow stronger, removing the death within them, giving them nutrients. This was truly the best part of her day. To sink herself into the Green, the living, the growth. To let herself feel the Life thrumming through the plants, through them even deeper into the Earth, and the people, and the animals.

For all the grief that these powers had given her - a father that never loved her, siblings who now hated her, missions that almost destroyed her - she couldn’t bring herself to ever hate them, not the powers, not the Green, themselves.

Not with all the good they gave her, the good she could give to other people because of them.

As she was working, the TV caught her eye. She dropped her watering can.

Billionaire Reginald Hargreeves Dead.

She couldn’t breathe. Was it actually possible that he was dead? She moved closer to the TV, reading the subtitles. She couldn’t contain her grin if she tried - which she didn’t.

Ding dong - the wicked witch was dead.

Charlie was walking. Whenever she had to come in this direction, she walked. She didn’t want to give those men any more power over her than she already had.

Now that Allison and Luther were back in New York, she knew that the funeral was going to happen today. None of them were all that comfortable staying in close quarters for all that long. They’d get the funeral done as quickly as they could so they'd be able to disperse across the country again. She’d say they only see each other for funerals and weddings but Allison was the only one married - to her knowledge anyway - and none of them had been invited to her wedding. So they really only saw each other for funerals, apparently.

And as much as she didn’t want to be back in that house, among siblings that hated her, she did want to see Mom and Pogo again.

Also, she felt if she didn’t go, then she’d always wonder if the bastard was actually dead.

She slowed down when she saw that she was getting closer to the academy. She really didn’t want to get there too early and have to deal with the entire family for longer than she had too. Not anymore.

All too soon, however, she made her way home.

bleh. Too nice of a thought to have for that place.

She crept into the house and made her way into the upstairs library’s balcony. She planned to stay there until the last possible second and they could get the whole farce over with.

Laying in the upstairs library, Charlie had a front-row seat to the comings of her siblings. She had gotten here early (too early honestly) and planted herself in a dark corner then just didn’t move. At all. She had spent her teenage years learning the best way to go unnoticed amongst a group of people that spent their life in the spot life or had the utmost wish to do so. Her? She had no wish for more cameras, more attention, than what was needed.

Luther was the first. He had come down the main stairs soon after she had arrived so Charlie guessed that he was actually staying here and had arrived before she had. Diego stomped in just before lunch and immediately made his way to the kitchen (and Mom, based on what she could smell coming from the kitchen) so she had 3 guesses to what he would spend the day doing but she only needed 1 of them. Allison swanned in just after lunch and she was seen up and down the hallways. Klaus pranced in and went off on a scavenger hunt, so Charlie guessed he was looking for something to pawn for his next hit. Vanya had crept in the middle of the afternoon and Charlie could see that had set off some sparks. Allison seemed to like her presence well enough but Charlie didn’t need her hearing to know that Diego went for the soft spots when they actually interacted.

Luckily her hiding spot was good and she didn’t actually have to interact with any of them yet. She wondered how long it would take them to notice. She wondered if they would. Or if they would even care.

She finally moved from her hidden corner and laid out on a couch so as to announce her presence whenever her siblings deigned to come back to the library.

She made sure she stayed away from the area where she was injured. She wasn’t going to test fate. She also made sure that she could see all the seats in the area well enough. Most of her charade counted on her being able to read lips and guess what was happening.

As she settled down on her chosen chaise, she watched as Vanya wandered in from the atrium. Vanya glanced at her but then proceeded to ignore her as she? apparently searched out and found her book. As Pogo made his way into the room and engaged Vanya in a conversation - one centered on the book and dad’s indifference - Charlie switched her attention to Five’s weird-ass portrait.

Which was just hilarious because like hell Reggie actually cared about any of his child soldiers. Charlie always thought that he had placed that portrait (and eventually, Ben’s statue) to remind them of the ‘failures’ of the family. She didn’t believe for a second that Reggie had actually brought himself to care about any of them let alone the one he couldn’t control or the one he couldn’t stand.

“16 years, 4 months, and 14 days.”

So the subject was Five? She wasn’t really surprised - before he disappeared, Five and Vanya were almost always in each other's pockets. Her siblings had really paired off when they were young - One and Three, Two and Mom, Four and Six, and Five and Seven. She had floated between the pairs whenever she wanted really - she was well-liked between all her siblings. She always thought it was because it was hard to hate the person who kept you fed when Dad was being a dick. Charlie had tried to actually connect with any of her siblings, to form better closer relationships between them - more than what they had actually wanted to have, apparently. And when Five did disappear, she tried to be there for Vanya. She joined her during their scheduled free time, she taught herself some musical terms so she could talk to her about her violin lessons, she reached her hand out again and again. But Vanya didn’t seem all that interested in reaching back. And while she kept trying, Vanya seemed less interested as time went on.

And then her book, Extra-Ordinary, came out and apparently Vanya thought Charlie had been mocking her the entire time. She couldn’t see that Charlie, allegedly the popular sibling, was just trying to be her sister. No - Charlie was just making fun of her for missing her best friend.

*

“Where’s the cash, dad?”

Allison was jerked from her memories of standing here 17 years ago, wanting her dad to finally just acknowledge them for even something as little as a goodnight, by Klaus. She strode over to the ridiculous deck that dominated the room and peered at Klaus pawing through Dad’s drawers.

“Where’s the cash?”

“Klaus? What are you doing in here?”

“Oh! Allison! Wow, is that you?”

Allison could only smile as she looked at Klaus. He was, as always, one of a kind. She knew that he was only trying to get cash for his addiction but she was still charmed by him.

“Hey, come here. Long time. Too long. Hey, I was hoping to see you, actually, because I wanted to get your autograph. Add it to my collection!”

Despite the fact Klaus was mocking dad and the fact that he was dead, Allison was still smiling. She was just glad that she decided to come home. With everything that was happening with Patrick and Claire, she hadn’t been sure it was the right decision but she was enjoying herself. And with everything that was happening in LA, she knew that she wanted to reach out to her family. She wanted to be close to Luther again, her best friend, like when they were kids. She wanted her brothers - the entirety of them, Diego in his weird leather BDSM gear and Klaus with his unique fashion sense and drug habits. She really wanted her sisters back as well. Loving, caring Charlie and sweet, gentle Vanya. Charlie who had tried so hard to love all her siblings. Vanya who just wanted to be seen and known by them. Allison wished she could go back in time to fix things but she couldn't. She was determined to start now, however. It might be 30 years late but she was going to make positive relationships with her siblings if she had to kill them. And really, based on previous experience, she would have too.

“Get out of his chair.”

Allison stiffened slightly as she heard Luther speak from the doorway. This was going to be the first time she saw him since she left at 18. When she turned to look at him, she was surprised to see him. He was so much larger than he was 10 years ago, almost grotesquely so. But he was still very much her best friend.

As Klaus babbled in a panic at being caught, Allison looked Luther over. He was still the towering figure she remembered but his muscles had grown and bulged in weird spots. He also appeared to have ditched the all-black mission uniforms and even those awful Academy uniforms that dad had made them wear all the time. Instead, he was bundled up in a, frankly, ugly turtleneck, a large overcoat, and fingerless gloves. She wondered if this was normal from before the 4 years spent on the moon or if this was something that had happened because of the moon mission.

Klaus dropped his treasures and made his retreat, and Allison had to laugh. She was really glad she was home.

*

Luther was frustrated but not surprised. Of course, Klaus was trying to steal from Dad. Even on the day of his funeral. Pair that with Diego disregarding his thoughts on why Dad was dead - someone took his monocle and it really meant nothing to anyone outside the family, of course that implied something - and he was tired of dealing with his brothers already. It had been less than an hour - which was on point for them, honestly.

“So, Klaus is still Klaus, in case you were wondering.”

“You know, after all these years, I find it strangely comforting.”

“Did you see Diego?”

“With his stupid outfit?”

“Oh, I know. Do you think he wears that thing in the bathroom?”

“Like in the shower?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes, Absolutely!”

As Allison laughed, Luther looked down. He was always happy when he could make her find joy. And it had been too long since they had seen each other in person. He had gone to see each of her movies, she was amazing, but they hadn’t talked since she left a decade ago. And Luther had missed his best friend.

“I-is Charlie here? Have you seen her yet?”

Luther paused in his thoughts about how to keep the conversation going to look up at her.

“Charlie? Why do you want to talk to her? You do remember what she did, right?”

“She did nothing but support our other sister. We snapped and snarled at Charlie because we were angry with Vanya but she wasn’t there for us to do so. Charlie has, since the very beginning, been nothing but kind and loving towards all of us. She wanted nothing more than for us to actually be a family. Instead, we shot her down time and time again.”

“That book was completely awful to all of us!! And she didn’t care!”

“She cared! She cared about what was happening with Vanya that she felt like she had to write that stupid thing! And regardless of all of that - Charlie is still our sister and I want to see her!”

Luther took a deep breath. He had forgotten that, despite the fact that Allison was his best friend, she was still his sibling and that included the ability to completely infuriate him in only a couple of words.

“I haven’t seen her yet. And I didn’t think you’d come.”

“Me either.”

*

The one main downside to the spot she chose was that she couldn’t see the door. On the other hand, with her laying down - people didn’t see her so they generally didn’t try to talk to her before coming in.

Diego was the first in the room. As he came around her couch, he spotted her from the corner of his eye and his hand went automatically to his BDSM gear and the multitude of knives he kept there. It took more than a second for him to release them. Charlie raised a very judgmental eyebrow in his direction. She knew he was still thinking of using one of those things - but against her instead. She dared him to try. He flicked a look up and over her shoulder where she knew the giant ferns, trees, and vines that were placed against the inside wall were growing and moving in the nonexistent wind. He was surrounded by Green things.

Who would be faster?

He scoffed, released his hand, rolled his eyes, and dropped into his chair by the fireplace.

Good. At least with him choosing to ignore her, this wouldn’t progress into a fight like their family meetings usually did.

Vanya was the next into the room and the tension racketed up again.

Klaus was the third into the room and, other than a flippant wave of his Hello hand, ignored them to survey Dad’s very extensive liquor collection. He was kind enough to bring her a whiskey when she peered over at him. Thank God - she would definitely need the alcohol later. And she was glad to see that he was still wearing her keys around his neck. She wasn’t sure if he had ever used them but she was glad that he had kept them, nevertheless.

Allison and Luther finished up the collection, and while it looked like Allison wanted to talk to her, Luther walked her over the seat across from Diego. He took the seat across from Vanya. His sitting down seemed like a call for the official meeting to start. He was always so dramatic.

Despite Luther apparently calling to order the meeting, nobody actually said anything for a solid couple of minutes. They were all just sitting around, pointedly not looking at one another.

“Um...I guess we should probably get this started. So I figured we could have a sort of memorial service in the courtyard at sundown. Say a few words, just at Dad’s favorite spot.”

Of course, it was Luther, the golden boy, who knew that dad had a favorite spot. Nobody else was close enough to that human icebox to know that kind of information.

“Dad had a favorite spot?”

“You know, under the oak tree. We used to sit there all the time. None of you ever did that?”

The rest of us just sort of pursed their lips and avoided looking at Luther. While it sort of wasn’t his fault that Dad was a dick and favored him over them, it still stung something awful to be reminded of that fact.

Fucking Dad

Thankfully Klaus, with his usual spectacular timing, interrupted Luther.

“Will there be refreshments? Tea? Scones? Cucumber sandwiches are always a hit.”

He looked around hopefully. Charlie decided to help him and grew some fruits and nuts near him, making a big cucumber near his seat - kinda mockingly.

He almost flinched away before he shot her a delighted look and picked up a peach.

“Danke Schwester!”

She gave him a thumbs up and turned back to Luther cause she just knew that he was going to have some sort of fit about something that just happened.

“What? No. And put that out. Dad didn’t allow smoking in here. And get rid of the fruit. You know that Dad didn’t allow that sort of thing outside of training.”

She flipped him off and Klaus very pointedly turned around.

“Is that my skirt?” Allison cut off whatever response might have come when she questioned Klaus’ newest fashion choice.

“What? Oh, yeah, this. I found it in your room. It’s a little dated, I know, but very breathy on the bits. ”

Luther proved his place as Number One Ass within the next couple of minutes.

“Listen up. Still, some important things that we need to discuss, all right?”

“Like what?”

“Like the way he died.”

“And here we go.”

“I don’t understand. I thought they said it was a heart attack?”

“Yeah, according to the coroner.”

“Well, wouldn’t they know?”

“Theoretically.”

“Theoretically?”

Charlie had a bad feeling about where this conversation was going.

“I’m just saying, at the very least, something happened. The last time that I talked to Dad, he sounded strange.”

Yeah, her bad feeling about this conversation was correct. She had an idea about where he was going to go with all this lead. By the looks on her siblings’ faces, only really Diego knew where Luther was going with this. Everyone else just looked surprised.

She started to mostly ignore what they were saying. She knew that Luther was implying that one of them had killed Dad because Luther couldn’t rationalize the fact that Dad was, supposedly, human as well. That Dad could die from something just as common as a heart attack, instead of a portal to hell opening up to take him back.

“Look, I know you don’t like to do it, but I need you to talk to Dad.”

Everyone looked at Luther in disbelief. They all knew that Klaus was high as fuck. And even if he wasn’t, there was no way he would ever want to summon that monster here.

After Klaus soundly shot down the theory of summoning Dad from his brunch with Mussolini, Stalin, and Hitler, Luther was finally ready to move on to why he suspected them of offing the old bastard.

“Then there’s the issue of the missing monocle.”

“Who gives a shit about a stupid monocle?”

“Exactly. It’s worthless. So whoever took it, I think it was personal. Someone close to him. Someone with a grudge.”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Oh, isn’t it obvious, Klaus? He thinks one of us killed Dad.”

And with that, the silence fell. Or so she assumed. The looks on everyone’s faces though. She knew that none of them were extremely sad that he had died, but to have Luther accuse them of killing him? That hurt.

“You do?”

“How could you think that?”

“Great job, Luther. Way to lead.”

And with that, she was up from the couch and headed out of the room. She didn’t really feel like staying near him. For him to think, after everything that he had done, that she would kill Dad?

She knew that she shouldn’t have come here today.

*

As she was walking out to the courtyard, she thought of the first mission they went on. The Capital West bank - 17 years ago. Robbers had taken hostages and were threatening them. Sir had taken them there to deal with the problem. Number Three and her had entered first, Three so she could Rumor someone and her so she could have time to spread some seeds and Grow some plants to have a base to start off from.

As she and Three started wreaking havoc, One dropped in from the glass section of the roof and started throwing some of the robbers around. Two came in from the front and started his work with the knives. Soon she was using her Growth to help shield the hostages while Two, Three, and Four were mocking and messing with the guards near the front desk. Five dropped in with his signature sass and took down those guys.

One was finished with his targets and was searching for some more people. He found them in the vault and she knew it was Six’s turn. He never liked any of the work but he especially hated having to release the Horrors when they could be a target. This isolation of robbers was just the kind of thing Sir would insist on Six handling.

They finished with the robbers in the main room and she and Two released the hostages while One and Four prompted Six to finish off the people in the vault. She hoped he hurried. She was growing weary and needed some sun and sugar to regain her energy.

After Six exited the room, she went to help him wash off the blood and to make him look more presentable. Sir was going to come down and give a speech, introducing them to the world and he wouldn’t be pleased with them if the first look at Six the world had was him covered in blood.

After the seven of them gathered on the front steps, Sir joined them from wherever he was when they were completing the mission. He had them lined up in front of the cameras and reporters while he gave his prepared speech and answered some of their questions.

“Our world is changing. Has changed. There are some among us gifted with abilities far beyond the ordinary. I have adopted seven such children. I give you the inaugural class of the Umbrella Academy.”

*

Minutes after she sat down outside, she could feel vibrations coming from the plants closest to Luther’s room. She sat up and concentrated some more. Luther had the biggest vinyl collection in the family, and whenever Dad had to leave he’d place something on the machine and let the music play throughout the entire mansion. And it seems like he was going to continue the tradition. She wondered what was actually playing now. She’d place money on it be I Think We’re Alone Now. He usually started with that one as a signal.

She stood up from her seat and started to sway around the courtyard. She may not be able to hear the music but that song was imprinted on her very being. It was one of the best things from their childhoods - freedom, as much as they were granted back then.

Just as she was getting into the groove, everything went suddenly dark and ominous. Lightning flashed and she could feel the thunder boom.

She quickly went from being semi-carefree Charlie to serious, trained Number Eight. She placed herself up against one of the walls and sunk herself into the Green. A blue portal was opening up above her and she was determined to stop whatever it was here in the courtyard before it could gain ground towards the Academy.

Her jewelry, few as it was, pulled in the direction of the portal - but most of her free attention was dragged towards the door where Number Two was exiting. She made her way towards him by routine memory. She was always near the back of the Academy - where she could see everyone and could also protect their backs. Over a decade later and it was still the position she was going to take.

Seven, One, and Three were on Two’s tail when she finally slid up to them. They quickly set up in their positions. One and Two in front, where they had the most space to move and could make up the physical wall that Three used before she could figure out who to actually Rumor. Seven was pushed into a spot so they could protect her as well. Eight stayed back a couple of steps so she’d have space to Grow. Four, who was running from the house, broke through the ranks with a fire exti-- a fire extinguisher?!? Why? Which he then used on the portal to no effect. When it very obviously didn’t work, he threw it into the portal.

When Eight glanced towards the portal, she saw a man. He was old and grey and she had never seen him before in her life but still. Her heart gave a particularly hard thump and she could swear she knew him. As she continued to watch him, she saw that he was screaming. And that he was getting younger? As the waves of blue were flashing over his face, he went from the original old man back through the ages, flashing back into a young teenager. After his final transformation, he fell face-first onto the ground - as he hit the ground the portal disappeared.

But before he hit, Eight could have sworn…

*

Fucking fuck. That goddamn hurt.

Five was hoping that he had actually made it because he really didn’t want to have to do that sort of jump again. Nor did he want to attempt that sort of landing again.

As he slowly stood up from where he slammed face-first into the ground, Five took stock of where he was. And while he didn’t necessarily recognize them, he was reassured when one of them said,

“Does anyone else see little Number Five or is that just me?”

Then the actual words the other man uttered registered and he looked down.

“Shit.”

*

Well, Eight supposed there were weirder things than their 13-year-old brother, who disappeared 17 years ago, popping up on the first day they were all together again from a glowing blue portal in the sky.

She couldn’t think of anything weirder currently but she was sure they existed.

After they collected themselves from his reappearance, they all moved towards the kitchen, slowly trailing after Five.

She was sitting with her back to the door - half an eye on her older siblings, half an eye on her little brother, and trying to calm herself down from the absolute adrenaline rush the last 10 minutes had been.

“The 24th.”

“Of what?”

“March.”

“Good.”

“So, are we gonna talk about what just happened?”

Of course, it was Luther who started the aggressive questioning, like he didn’t remember what an absolute little shit Five was. He was going to take this line of questioning really well.  

And there they went, the tallest brother squaring up against the shortest brother.

Despite only catching half of the conversation, she was doing her best to follow along. They were arguing - like usual - about what had happened to Five when he left. She had the hardest time tracking what Five was saying with his tendency to Jump from place to place instead of using his legs.

“- jumping through time is a toss of the dice. Nice dress.”

“Oh, well, danke!”

“Wait, how did you get back?”

“In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time”

“That makes no sense.”

“Well, it would if you were smarter.”

She had to roll her eyes. Even 17 years later and apparently some time travel, and he was still a colossal ass. Then again, her siblings made it super easy.

“How long were you there?”

“45 years. Give or take.”

Well. Holy shit. 45 years…he was 58? Well, he was always an old man in a young body.

“Delores?”

“Guess I missed the funeral.”

“How’d you know about that?”

“What part of future do you not understand? Heart failure, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Hmm. Nice to see nothing's changed.”

And with that glowing review, Five left the room. She wasn’t too surprised. He never really had the temperament to stay long in voluntary family gatherings - especially when the extra-thick duo were really living it up to their title.

When Allison turned back towards the table, she assumed that Five really had left and she shifted to better face the rest of them to keep them in her sights. They were all trading looks.

“Well…”

“That was interesting.”

Idiots.

*

After that disaster of a full family meeting, she retreated back outside to hide amongst the Green. She most definitely didn’t want to deal with any more people bullshit than she had too and they still had to do the actual funeral. She decided that some meditating was in order and she had made it very clear years ago that to interrupt her meditating time was at their own peril. Of course, that only stopped the lower numbers but the first 4 learned quickly, for the most part.

Too soon really, the rest of her siblings and Mom joined her outside near Ben’s god-awful statue. The weather seemed to mirror the general situation with a rainstorm finally breaking. She moved to stand near Mom to share her umbrella but slowed when Diego’s hands got real close his stupid leather harness.

Instead, she felt Allison come up beside her to share her umbrella with her. She tensed slightly with the close contact but soon relaxed when she realized it was harmless. She moved a little bit closer to her and relaxed as much as she could.

Huh. She still wore the perfume Charlie got her for their 17th birthday. That was…nice.

“Did something happen?”

All of them turned to Mom when she asked that. Charlie felt a pit form in the bottom of her stomach. Mom shouldn’t sound like that and she definitely shouldn’t be questioning what was happening

“Oh. yes, of course.”

Charlie really hated that look on Mom’s face. She never wanted to be the reason why it was put there and she found some more hate for Dad, because of it.

“Yeah, yeah, she’s fine. She just needs to rest. You know, recharge.”

Pogo finally joined them outside and it signaled the start of this shebang.

“Whenever you’re ready, dear boy.”

With a look around at them, Luther took Dad’s urn and upended it...where it piled up on top of the wet ground. Gross.

“Probably would have been better with some wind.”

She only raised an eyebrow at him.

“Does anyone wish to speak?”

She aimed the flattest look she knew how to at Pogo but stayed where she was. Does anyone wish to speak? Of course, she did but could she? Hardly. And none of her siblings offered.

“Very well. In all regards, Sir Reginald Hargreeves made what I am today. For that alone, I shall forever be in his debt. He was my master...and my friend and I shall miss him very much. He leaves behind a complicated legacy--”

“He was a monster. He was a bad person and a worse father. The world’s better off without him.”

“Diego.”

“My name is Number Two. You know why? Because our father couldn’t be bothered to give us actual names. He had Mom do it.”

“Would anyone like something to eat?”

“No, it’s ok, Mom.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Look, you wanna pay your respects? Go ahead. But at least be honest about the kind of man he was.”

“You should stop talking now. I'm warning you.”

And here we go, One vs Two funeral style. She was worried they weren’t going to follow their script. And of course, Diego was the one to actually start the fight. She pulled Allison back to give them some more room to try to bash each other’s heads in. She’d place money on Diego, he’d always been jealous of Luther and could fight at a distance. Luther, despite everything about him, didn’t really like fighting against the family.

“And there goes Ben’s statue.”

Ben’s statue hit the ground with a thud that she could feel and she and Allison turned to go back inside. She had had enough of this crap. They were only in the kitchen when Luther ran past them. Vanya was close behind him. As her siblings streamed past her, she went to the cabinets. Mom always kept some cookies at hand in case any of them needed a case of pick me ups. She didn’t really know when else they would need them. And there they were - chocolate chocolate chip. She plated them and grabbed some milk and glasses. As she sat down at the table, she was surprised by the familiarity of it. They always had their assigned seats and she had just taken her normal spot.

*

“Nietzsche once said, ‘Man is as a rope stretched between the animal and the superhuman. A rope of the abyss. It is a dangerous crossing, a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous trembling and halting.’”

After dad finished his quote, Seven blew the whistle and the rest of them started their run up the stairs. She was slower than the rest but she was reaching for the Green on the top floor. As soon as she got a good grip on it, she pulled it towards herself and used it to pull herself up. As she was rapidly going up, she saw the tell-tale sign of Five’s Teleporting.

“That’s not fair, Five and Eight are cheating!”

“They adapted.”

*

She felt bad for her siblings, but she was loving the feel of the tattoo gun. It was a very soothing feeling. But she could see her siblings were hurt from their tattoos or were scared for their turns. She wished that they could like it more or that they didn’t have to get one.

*

After she sat down with her cookies and milk, Diego led Mom past them - probably towards her charging station. He barely glanced at her and she told him - using her face alone - to fuck right off. She was almost ready to fight him.

Klaus flounced in and sat at the head of the table. He grabbed a couple of cookies from her plate and then drank her milk. She just frowned at him prompting him to flap his Hello hand. With a roll of her eyes, she just refilled their glass. Soon afterward, Five came in and started going through all the cabinets.

“Where’s Vanya?”

“Oh, she’s gone.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“Yeah.”

“An entire square block. 42 bedrooms, 19 bathrooms, but no, not a single drop of coffee. And you can shut up.”

He pointed at her and her raised eyebrow. She only shrugged and made a point to use her eyes to point out the fact he was 13 again.

He just rolled his eyes back at her.

“Dad hated caffeine.”

“Well, he hated children, too, and he had plenty of us.”

She really hated to admit that Klaus was right.

“I’m taking the car.”

“Where are you going?”

Both she and Five turned to stare incredulously at Klaus. He was just talking about not having any coffee. Where else was he going to go?

“To get a decent cup of coffee.”

“Do you even know how to drive?”

“I know how to do everything.”

He made another face back at her, cause like hell he knew how to do everything.

The arrogant ass. And then he was gone.

“But then again, I also just kinda want to see what happens.”

“All right, I guess I’ll you guys in, what, ten years? When Pogo dies? You, hopefully, longer still. Or never.”

Diego made his way into the room talking and pointed at her at the end of his sentence. She flipped him off and leaned back in her chair.

“Not if you die first.”

“Yeah, love you too, sis.”

“Good luck on your next film. Hope it turns out better than your marriage, huh?”

She kicked at his ankles for that asshole comment. He flinched back from her and went for his harness. She steadied herself and narrowed her eyes. But then Allison left back into the house and Diego and Klaus went out towards the back door.

She just leaned back in her and closed her eyes. She was so fucking tired of being in this stupid house. She finally decided to just leave. There was nothing, well almost nothing, left for her in this place.  

She stood up and washed her dishes, then went to find Mom. She didn’t want to leave before she said hi and bye to her.

As she was walking through the main lobby, she saw Mom’s shadow on the upper levels. As she reached the top of the stairs, she looked around and saw Mom sitting at her charging station. She made her way over to her and sat down next to her.

She held onto Mom’s hand and they sat together staring at her paintings. This, this right here, the calm evenings with Mom, were her favorite parts of this house. She studied Mom’s paintings. She did have some pretty ones. But she knew Mom’s favorite was the portrait of the young lady in the black dress. She sat with Mom until her eyes started to flash blue, signaling her recharging.

She stood up, gave Mom a kiss on her forehead, and left the house.

*

She arrived home and she could finally relax. Once she was in through the front door, she locked it and slid to the floor. That was...exhausting. She sincerely wished her siblings long lives so she didn’t have to see them again, soon. Knickknack climbed up into her lap. She started to comb her fingers through their fur. She really should take her to get checked out soon, cause she was pretty sure she’d been adopted by this grey cat.

She heaved a sigh and stood up sometime later. She felt like she’d feel better if she completed her evening routine. She grabbed the watering hose, tucked Knickknack up on her shoulder, and started her circle around the store. The Green and Growing would help settle her down. Maybe some actual supper and then a rosewater and lavender bath before she went to bed.

When Knickkack rubbed her head against her chin, she took that as an agreement that it was a good plan.

Hopefully, things were going to go back to normal in the next couple of days.

Next Chapter

[monsterfuneral]

monster live reacts to interview with the vampire

Alright I'm about to watch Interview With the Vampire for the first time and I'm gonna live react to it (in one post so I don't blog people's dashboards).

I don't know anything about this movie so :)

A new - Indicates when something new has happened. 

---

- Let me see that fucking scientologist!!!

- WAIT CHRISTIAN SLATER'S IN THIS?! WH-

- I like this *very* dramatic music playing

- ...I don't think I've ever seen Christian in anything other than Heathers so.

- (When Louis turn on the lights) WHY IS HE SO VEINY LMAO.

Okay edward cullen

Ah yes vampire backstory

- Poor guy 😔

- OH SHIT IT'S THE BLONDE BITCH. IS THIS LESTAT??

- Oh shit he's about to get a little sucky sucky... Shit nvm she's dead

OH SHIT WE FLYIN

He's just taking a little swim. Literally how did he survive.

- Oh shit hes back

Just kiss already, fuck dude

- OH. He's a quick little guy, just a little cuddle with my pal

Bleed on his ass. Oh shit he's into it

Oh shit he's turning into a werewolf.

HIS VAMPIRE WHAT. He's got new ass eyes. 

WHAT THE FUCK THE STATUE'S EYES ARE MOVING

- "Coffins are unfortunately a necessity" am I the only one who's like... Totally okay with the idea of sleeping in a coffin or

- Lestat is really pretty 😳

- Oh he's god a nifty little thumb thing, that's very epic of him.

- HE REALLY JUST FUCKING CAUGHT THAY DAMN RAT AND IS NOW EATING IT....

He shook that damn rat out like it was a bottle

- Doggies

READ HER THOUGHTS WHAT

- Oh shit they taking the dogs for walkies

Sir you have lipstick on your nose

NOOOO THE DOGS.

- Oh shit he's mad

LESTAT'S LAUGH LMAO WHAT THE FUCK

- He is fucking hungry. All those chickens gone to waste.

Oh shit

- He's such an asshole omg

OH HE'S MAD

- Oh shit he's giving him the hand. Louis is NOT having Lestat's dramatics right now

- Oh shit THE CRAWFISHNOOOO

Oh shit she's dead. Poor girl :(

- Yes love arson

Lestat is SO DRAMATIC "PERFECT! PERFECT! JUST BURN THE WHOLE PLACE DOWN!" I think that's what he's doing sir.

LMAO "OH SHUT UP LOUIS, COME HERE!" yeah get his ass Lestat

- Oh a cemetery:) this is nice

- Lestat's only moods are: overly dramatic, horny.

Also I absolutely refuse to believe this man is straight

YO THOSE FUCKING CHEEKS ARE *STRAINING* IN THOSE PANTS

- Just me and my big happy vampire family :)

Aww wait okay that's actually kinda cute. Just two dad's spoiling their daughter :) I'm sure nothing bad at all will happen.

LMAOOOOOO "Claudia! Now who will get to finish your dress? A little practicalities, remember, never in your home" AND THE LITTLE HAND SLAPS LMAO. I fucking love him.

AWWW HER LITTLE COFFIN IS SO CUTE

(NOOO MY DRAFT DIDN'T SAVE AND DELETED A FEW THINGS I SAID)

- Anyway, I'm at the part where Claudia is upset over Lestat treating her like a doll. Which I can't blame her, I wouldn't be too pleased about it either if this was how I was treated for the past 30 years.

Oh shit she's throwing the dolls away.

THERE'S SO MANY OMG

Oh shit there's a body on the bed. Lestat is not happy, oh shit he's shaking her around.

LESTAT CALM DOWN DAMN

- Oh shit she's cutting her hair off. You know what you fucking go, stand up for yourself.

It (short hair) actually looks pretty good, we love that for her. 

OH SHIT NVM IT'S BACK SHE IS ANGRY

- I do not blame her at all. Even though she was sick her whole life was still robbed from her, I compl understand the rage, this is an amazing performance.

LESTAT SHUT UP! YOU FUCKING DID THIS DUDE.

OH SHIT SHE'S FUCKING CUTTING HIS ASS

- He just pulled a David line "you will never grow old, and you will never die"

- Louis is such a sweetheart. I love him so much. (I love lestat too he's just a bitch)

- Poor Claudia. She deserved to be happy.

"my love..." 🤢 What.

- Lestat's fucking dramatic piano playing JSWJRKEK

- Lestat is really just Klaus Mikaelson with less rage (maybe)

I feel like she's got a devious little plan.

"we forgive each other then?" He just wants someone to love him man...

OH MY GOD DID SHE JIST DRUG HIM LMAO

OH NO IT'S BC THEY'RE DEAD

OH SHIT!! SHE JUST FUCKING SLIT HIS THROAT! You know even though I love Lestat. I'm proud of Claudia.

"good night, sweet prince" get his ass

- I'm glad she's doing research though, she deserves to know what she is.

- AWW BIRDIES

- Uh oh he god ding dong ditched. 

I'm making a prediction right now: Lestat isn't dead.

choking his ass out fuck. That corpse was dirty as hell but I assume I was right and it was Lestat.

I knew it. He is a little leather bastard now.

- OH SHIT SET HIS ASS ON FIRE

HE'S FLYING WHILE ON FIRE LMAO

Louis you fucking go, king shit.

- Claudia is quite the artist. Shit dude.

They're in paris now :) I have a tiktok for this, will post afterwards.

- I'm so glad they're both happy. I'm sure it totally won't be ruined or anything :)

- Oh shit new Vampire?? Just me and my new pal syncing up

I LEGIT THOUGHT HE WAS ABOUT TO GO THROUGH THE WALL LMAO

OH NVM HE'S JUST DANCING UP IT

- WHO IS THAT 👀 

nvm I don't like him he gives me bad vibes.

- Vampire party?

Just a play nvm.

Oh shit this is fucked up. Hey guys I don't think she's apart of his. 

Nvm she might be idk. (she wasn’t)

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE A GIF FOR THIS FEEDING SCENE IN THE PLAY

- The dress Claudia is wearing is very pretty though

- THE WAY HE REACTED TO THE OTHER BITE MARKS ON THE KID'S HAND LMAO

- I don't trust this guy.

Oh shit old ass. 400

Oh shit they have what we do in the shadows rules.

- Poor Claudia.

- Oh shit she's going to the doll store 😔

- I AM SHOCKED I JUST REALIZED THIS GUY IS ANTONIO BANDERAS LMAO

Me listening to this guy talk: wait that Antonio Banderas?...

Me: there's no way *starts looking it up*

Me when I look at the cast list, now covering my mouth: ....it's Antonio Banderas....

Louis better not fall for this shit. Claudia needs you dude.

Tbh I wish my nails looked as good as Louis'

- That sidewalk is so fucking skinny man.

- Who's the lady...

Oh shit Claudia 😔 poor thing. She doesn't deserve all this pain.

Oh shit he's gonna do it. 

Oh shit he's doing it. 

OH SHIT HE DID IT.

- Poor Louis 😔 this story is just a "I feel bad for everyone" kinda story huh.

WHAT THE FUCKWHY ARE YOU KISSING HIM HUUUH????? 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

- NOOOO WHAT'S HAPPENING

CLAUDIA NOOO

WHAT IS HAPPENING

This is very not epic of them.

Oh shit are they in like a sun trap or something, like in what we do in the shadows 

DNWKSLSK I WAS RIGHT. I'm a fucking genius.

Oh no 😔 poor Claudia man.

- Oh Armand is actually helping. That's very epic of him. Scared it's 100% too late for Claudia though.

NOOOOOO

Poor Claudia 😔 you'll be missed AND POOR LOUIS THAT WAS HIS ONLY FAMILY >:( angry.

I would say at least Claudia's freed but literally to where... :( I hope she's somewhere happier.

- His eyes are so red omg.

AWW HE'S CRYING

- GET YOUR REVENGE BB

Ooo it was very pleasing to watch that liquid pour down those fancy steps

- YEAH BITCH GET YOUR REVENGE LIGHT THOSE ASSHOLES UP

OH MY GOD???? HE FUCKIN CUT HER HEAD OFF WOOOO. GET THEIR ASSES LOUIS!

This vest on him? Iconic.

OH FUCK JUST CHOPPED THROUGH HIS ASS LIKE NOTHING

YOU GO LOUIS. ICONIC. AMAZING.

- LMAO THE WAY HE THREW HIMSELF INTO THE WINDOW OF THE CARRIAGE

- Oh Louis 😔

- Now he's all alone this is so sad :(

- He’s a movie nerd, understandable.

- He's so pretty

- WAIT OLD DEATH???👀👀👀👀 L-lestat?....

Body in the vines. 

Bats :). 

AAAAAAA I KNEW IT

HE LITERALLY CAN NOT DIE. HOW IS HE ALIVE.

You look a little decrepit my man

"still beautiful Louis" *cries*

THE WAY HE SCOOTS AWAY LMAO

"the more I wanted you" just admit you were in love with him, loser.

"become the old Lestat" well I don't think we need that. Love you though :)

- Mans really just said "but louis I wanna be traumatized too :("

OH SHIT CHOKING HIM ALL THE WAY UP TO THE CEILING

- Oh he's got a nice car though :)

- LESTAT LET HIM GO HE'S DRIVING

HE'S SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN I LOVE HIM

THE END

I really liked it :) a little weird how they made Claudia and Louis’ relationship seem romantic, I didn’t like that, and well some other things too but, you know. 

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

TF2 Scout Headcanon(s)/Story:

...you know, it strikes me that, in all the fanfic from TF2 I've ever read... none of them explicitly state Scout takes his headset off when he and whoever he's paired with at the time say either cute things or get freaky. At some point, in some string of the multiverse, at least one of his teammates has to have heard something they weren't supposed to.

Spy would never let him live it down. Engineer would try to rewire the headset to auto-shutoff (unless otherwise activated deliberately) after the match, and gives a half-hearted 'Talk' to him without making eye-contact. Sniper keeps making smug eye-contact, winking at the kid, because it's hilarious to him. Pyro... no one's sure what Pyro thinks. Maybe they pinch his cheeks and mumble something. Or they're so scandalised that Engie has to have a 'serious chat' with the scout about keeping things PG 13+ on the airways. Demoman is waiting with a bottle of something after he hears something (once he realises he didn't imagine it while drunk), delighted for 'the wee lad'. Against Medic's wishes/pointed glare, he hands it over and proclaims, "If he's old enough to be shaggin' about, he can have a drink!" to the Scout's eternal embarrassment. Heavy claps the kid on the shoulder, and says nothing. But Scout knows that the Russian knows, and acts weird about it for a week before realising Heavy doesn't care enough to tell the others. Medic hauls him off to 'talk' about the situation. Making Scout suffer through the entirety of The Talk (TM), one that covered every angle, and utilised banana-based demonstrations + talking about consent. Why? Well, Scout had made the older man suffer through a very uncomfortable few minutes (until he could yank out the earpiece, jammed in his ear) and gott im himmel, was he going to repay the kind in kind.

-   

Oh... I have one worse...Okay but like, the Scouts COLLIDE mid-battle and get the WRONG headsets. Couldn't happen, right? Wrong. Medics keep turning up to the wrong locations, and Engineers are putting dispensers in all the wrong places, Snipers are trying to pick off the targets they're being told to take out but they can't see 'em whatsoever, and Spies are confusedly watching the opposing Scouts shout about grabbing the intelligences when they clearly don't have it to hand. In short, it's a little bit of chaos.

But then, of course, they go back to their respective bases and partners/etc. And suddenly both teams are confused and incredibly awkward as they hear what sounds like their Scout with certain team members. Team members who, when subtly accosted later, have no idea what's going on. And then concerns are raised that the opposing Spies might be playing games with the Scout(s)... which sets off most of BLU team, because they all know who Scout's ding-dong-red-daddy is (Red Spy) and that makes it weird. But then Engineers try to call their Scouts in to talk to 'em about the situation... and they start to realise something's up when the youngest members can't find the Engineers. "I thought you said to come in the Kitchen?" says RED Scout, confusedly staring around the empty room. "That's right, so where are you?" responds the unknowing BLU Engie, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms folded. "Er, in the kitchen?" - "Yo Engie, thought you were in the basement?" crackles BLU Scout, looking about the empty room. "I am, son. Y'come in here and we can have a nice chat about something..." mumbles RED Engie, focused on the dispenser he's upgrading. "Er, yeah, I would if you were IN HERE!" he gets in response, making the builder pause. "You sure, I'm two feet from the door and I ain't no cloaked Spy..." "Sure I'm sure, buddy. I'm standing on your work bench and you ain't set a sentry on me yet... so ya clearly ain't here!" - BLU Engineer gives up and orders Scout to his workshop. Pausing at the doorway to realise there's a Scout in there already... talking to... someone, and standing atop his workbench. "Git offa there, ya brat!" he shouts, startling the BLU Scout into falling off. The Scout in his headpiece makes an offended  noise... as the one he's looking dead at shrieks, and falls off the table. Landing limbs akimbo, with someone shouting in his ear, demanding to know if the Scout's alright. The demand is followed by confused silence. BLU Scout staring at his Engineer, while the other kept talking. RED Engineer tries to step out of his workshop and finds himself slammed into by the RED Scout. Who rebounds into a doorway, and slams into the floor pretty damn hard. - Things are starting to piece together... the Engineers snag their appropriately coloured Scouts off the floor, and check them over. At least one of them might have a concussion from that little bout of activity. But both of them seem to have twigged that the Engineer they're looking at isn't the one talking to them. Headsets are appropriated. "Hello? This is RED's Engineer, who is this?" "Howdy, I'm BLU's Engineer... and I'm thinking that everything's making a lot more sense now." "I'll say! Although I'm not sure how in Sam Hill these two managed to switch their headsets without realising..." BLU Scout groans, smacking a hand to his forehead. "We fuckin' collided in the last battle, sent our shit sprawling everywhere..." He gets a light cuff about the ear from BLU Engie. "Language, son." Not learning from his duplicate's mistake, RED Scout adds his two cents. "Yeah, that freaking chucklehead nearly sent us both to respawn by BONK!ing it up before comin' round a corner at me. Nearly made off with m'fuckin' bat too, ya thieving bastard!" He gets a right old whack too; not hard, just reproving. "Hey, what gives? Ya taking his side over mine, Engie? He's a BLU?!" "No, Scout, I'm taking the side of common decency. Watch yer language, son." Replies REDEngineer. "Yeah, yeah, fine." Sulks the Scout. - "Well now, it ain't hard to see how this snafu came about considerin' your Scout and mine are so damn similar." adds BLU Engineer in the silence, having heard it all through the headpiece. "Downright spooky that none'a us even realised we'd switched Scouts..." confirmed RED Engineer. Throwing an apologetic at his Scout, who looked torn between anger and betrayal at the revelation. "To be fair, son, you two sound mighty close to identical, especially when y'throw in the battle noises and such." Okay, both Engineers were getting hurt, yet petulant, expressions. "Aw don't be like that, son..." BLU tried. Immediately seeing he wasn't going to get anywhere with that line of interaction. "Now, I'm mighty sorry we hurt'ya feelings, but the whole reason I was so insistent about talking ta Scout was because..." He dropped off. RED Engineer's expression was downright priceless. "I don't suppose ya overheard something... ya weren't supposed to, involving Scout here?" "Actually, yes. Me'n the rest of the team were worried he might've been, er, tricked by the opposing Spy somehow when we heard... a kerfuffle of sorts, over the headsets -and son, ya need to turn'em off after battle, I can;t stress that enough. Except the other class involved wasn't actually 'involved' if y'get my meaning. I was looking at the person we heard what we thought was our Scout, making a fuss over... so it couldn'ta been them." BLU extrapolated. "Oh, an' if I might ask, who was it?" RED grinned, taking in the horrified expression of his Scout. Who had not caught on that both Engineers, and indeed, their entire teams, had at least a vague idea who they were not-so-sneakretly seeing. "Now RED, I ain't one to go around telling others' secrets... but you might not want to know that the restraints in the- " and here it cut out because RED Scout had grabbed the headset and was shouting over him about nothing in particular. RED Engineer's expression was priceless as he let the Scout calm down, and took back the headset. "I was kidding, son... you 'n him are fine in mah book. Don't worry about it. To be honest, I'm more concerned about BLU Scout and-..." And then it was his turn to hear a verbal barrage, even though he managed to get the Class name across anyway, shrugging. "Everyone knows already, boys, no one minds. At least, I think they're more relieved y'weren't fooled by the Spies, t'be perfectly honest. Specially since Red Spy is ya fath-..." "DO NOT FINISH THAT SENTENCE!" BLU Scout shouts, and it sounds like a scuffle on the other end as RED team waits. When it dies down, a winded BLU Engineer comes back over the channel. "The more pressing question is how t'get the headsets back to their rightful Scouts without Her Upstairs finding out..." "Can we just pull off the slam-into-each-otha thing from yesta-day?" BLU Scout pants. "Nah, think the ol' witch'll be suspicious of that. Once is'n accident, twice without killin' each otha is a pattern." RED Scout responds. RED Engineer fights down the urge to correct his english. "Alright, then what about we get the Spies to do a straight-up, cloaked swap of the things?" "...and tell frenchie th' whole story? Are ya freakin' insane, Engie?!"  Shouts RED Scout, arms flailing, not quite in the right direction. Maybe he should take the kid to see the Doc... or uh, not, considering... He clears his throat. "Now boy, we ain't got a lotta time to right this. She'll know if we don't get it fixed by morning, in fact I think She already has a good idea what's happenin' and is waitin' ta see what we're gonna do ta fix it. So if we gotta get the spies involved, that's what'll happen." "Awww man, but... fine." RED Scout gives in, huffing like a toddler on the brink of a tantrum. He's not as stupid as some on the teams think he is, and knows full well both Spies will (mad) milk this event for all it's worth. "Then it's settled." BLU Engineer says, relaxing. "Spah, my BLU and your RED, will have ta do the exchange..." "Oh no we will not be doing ze exchange!" cries the furious RED Spy decloaking behind his two teammates. RED Scout startles into a fight pose, and Engineer holds up a wrench automatically before relaxing. "Don't be that way, Spah..." sighs the builder. "Non, give me ze headset. It has caused enough trouble so far, and I would have a word with... the BLUs involved." It is handed over with some reluctance. Before the Spy can say anything, the BLU Scout's drawl comes through. Sounding very much like he would rather be bludgeoned to death before uttering the words. "Okay, fine. But Dad, d'ya know what might happen ta us if the Admin lady finds out we not only fucked up, but we were also fucking-..." "Oui." The words cuts the kid off pretty fast. "I am aware of who else you call 'Daddy' around zis compound, and I assure you, we will be talking about zis in depth soon enough." BLU Scout chokes off a strange sound, and goes quiet. RED Scout is laughing fairly hard in the background until BLU Engineer crackles through the open headset... "Ah, son, I'd be keeping my mouth shut, considering th' things ah heard you saying to-..." "DON'T SAY IT!" "...if y'can keep quiet, so can I." teases the BLU Engineer, as the RED one looks on the Scout in bemusement -the kid's face as scarlet as his shirt. "Oh, zis is truly 'ilarious." snorts the probably-should-have-been-expected voice of the BLU Spy. "Oh, our Spah's with us too, now. I'm giving him the headset and draggin' Scout here off t'see the Doc. Took a right nasty tumble off m'work bench, and I don't think he's seein' straight..."  BLU Engineer says, excusing the two of them as the Spy gets the headset. "Well thanks fer all'a your help with this. Mighty decent of ya, considerin'..." RED Engineer says, loud enough to be heard through the line. He turns to their Spy, "Will you be right with this? I think I'm gonna take the kid t'see the Medic too... haven't seen someone eat doorway that hard since the last time Demo got Pyro wasted." "Oui." says the masked man, dismissing the pair with a hand. "It seems once again we are forced to fix mistakes made by... lesser teammates." The BLU Spy says something in french through the line, and RED laughs. Engineer rolls his eyes, grabbing his Scout. "C'mon kid, let'em have their fun f'now. Let's get your head checked out..." "Aw, Engie, d'we have ta? Doc'll probably cut me open li-..." the complaining tailed off the further down the hall they traversed. - Alone in the room, the spies made brief plans to meet, unarmed (hon hon hon, yeah right), and exchange headsets. As if nothing had happened, at all. - And it works. Except now the opposing teams know FAR too much about the opposing Scouts and their er... class preferences. They'll never hear the end of it. But at least the dragon-lady admin didn't cotton on, right? Besides, most of the teams were okay with the wole thing... and despite some new-found respect for various members, they went back to killing each other the next day. That was all that mattered, right? RED vs BLU? Downtime was for any activity you wanted... even if it meant you had say, awkward conversations with your dad about ya relationship... or even, were unable t'look ya teammates in the eyes for a few days because'a the new taunts the opposing team were using against ya (mostly the Scouts' own words, to make it worse). At least the others involved were pretty okay with it, even if their own teams ribbed them about it for a week or so. The engineers worked together, with special dispensation from the Administrator, to make adaptations to the headsets. Only active on the field, during battle... but with a toggle for emergency activation if certain fleet-footed idiots maybe fell off a cliff during a pre-match jog outside'a base or something. The last part was a surprise. Authorisation to collaborate? Unheard of! But, not one to look a gift-horse in the mouth, they did it anyway. And never again did the Scouts lose their headsets, or give away far too much information about themselves to either team. - In her underground hideout, the Administrator was smoking, trying to relax. Her expression still caught in some degree of disgust over the whole affair. "Miss Pauling..." she called, and the purple-clad young woman startled beside her chair. "Yes, you. Goodness knows there's no one else here..." She huffs, realising on some level she was being unfair. And tries again. "Miss Pauling,  I need you to double-check the Engineers' schematics and find a subtle way of getting the Scouts to test the limitations of their new headsets... one that does not require your... charms." She smirks. "I do not feel they will work anymore on those two." "U-uh, anything you say, Administrator." Miss P nods, acquiescing immediately. She turns to leave, and frowns. "Is there... any particular reason for thi-...?" "Hmph. You have grown insolent, child. Why, a month ago you would not have dared to pause when given a task... and now you backtalk?" Miss Pauling freezes, assuming this is the moment when her replacement will kick down the door and put a bullet between her eyes. Before, presumably, hacking up the remains to bury in the desert somewhere... as she had done to other employees and problematic persons... But instead, the tense air is filled with a  wry, hacking laughter. Cigarette smoke wafting around the dimly-lit room like a fog. "Oh, you are a delight sometimes, Miss Pauling. I will make a woman of you yet, but it is suffice to say, that I wish to be certain there is never a repeat of this incident. The fools may not realise that their headset channels are filtered through my base of operations, but I do not ever want to have another evening ruined by a repeat performance based upon the Scouts' proclivities towards certain classes. Do you understand?" She nods in response, knowing that even with her back to Miss P, the Administrator had seen it. The older woman waves a dismissive hand. "Then GO, and let us never speak about this again, unless we need to blackmail the pair." "Yes, Administrator." She breathes and leaves the room. For some reason, Miss Pauling can't fight the grin on her face as she heads towards the external entrance. Not only did the entire situation resolve, but the Administrator had allowed team fraternisation to continue. Which simultaneously got both Scouts off her back, and proved beyond a doubt that the Administrator wouldn't give a damn about Miss Pauling's girlfriend, as long as the purple-clad young woman continued to perform her role. It was turning out alright.

[platatoandsoquoquediscovern-blog]

Soquoque discovers:

My thoughts while watching Eclipse: in up to 80 sentences

1.      I am watching Twilight, right? Oh, there’s the vampires… or at least the shadow of one

2.      Do they all normally play with their food like this?

3.      Ok, there is no way she bit his hand, absolutely not. I’m calling bullshit

4.      Wow, Edward has really long side burns

5.      Whoa whoa whoa, 2 minutes into the movie and there’s already a marriage proposal? Pace yourself guys, this movie is like 5 hours long

6.      Hello there Charlie, fancy seeing you here again

7.      Why is everyone in this movie trying to make deals or negotiate with everyone else? You guys ever heard of holding your ground?

8.      Edward Cullen: vampire, sparkler, high jumper, mechanic

9.      Wait, Bella still has friends? How? She’s like the worst friend ever, why are they all still there.

10.  The Cullen’s really need to work on their poker faces. Or else people might start getting suspicious of the weird, pale, impossibly good-looking family

11.  Edward continues to lie to Bella even though WE ALL KNOW how that turned out literally any other time before this

12.  Bella is only concerned about the fact that she isn’t a vampire yet; Bella, there are people dying asshole, who gives a shit if the Voltari see that you’re still human.

13.  Lol, Edward is a terrible actor. I wouldn’t quit your day job

14.  Ah I freaking love Charlie man

15.  Hold up, they’re already in Florida? We didn’t even get a plane scene? Oh come on Twilight, you have time for Bella staring off into the sunset but not this?

16.  EVERYONE in this movie knows that there is something seriously weird about Bella’s relationship with Edward except for Bella.

17.  She really is incredibly pale isn’t she

18.  This scene man. All the Cullen’s and the wolves and Victoria still manages to get away? That’s some bullshit

19.  Yes she will Jasper, yes she will.

20.  Stupid wolf attacks Emmet instead of, you know, the vampire they were ALL CHASING!

21.  Of course she wouldn’t Edward, Bella doesn’t listen to anyone, hence Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and 2.

22.  Love that Jacob intro music yo

23.  WHY WOULD YOU STILL LIE AT A MOMENT LIKE THIS! Edward, you fool- the jig is up my man.

24.  Jacob is confused by Bella’s hostility towards him… Jacob must have not have been present during the events of New Moon

25.  Wait, did she just skip school? How is this chick even graduating? I swear I only saw her attend class like twice in all three movies.

26.  AAAAHHHH original Leah…and I don’t care

27.  Btw, who are all these shirtless dudes? Jacobs pack? Since when? I mean I get that it couldn’t just be Jacob, but these random dudes are hella random and thus I do not care nor am I at all invested in their lives. Soooo moving on.

28.  Imprint foreshadowing… although nothing would have prepared us for the actual imprinting.

29.  Would we have known if you had imprinted Jacob? Would we really? How exactly, since these Twilight fuckers only seem to tell us really important information after the fact

30.  Is this angry Jacob? Is this really all he’s got? Am I the only one underwhelmed here?

31.  “Bella, they’re not even alive” lol, true Jake, so very true

32.  AAAAHHH wannabe creepy Edward is hella creepy

33.  Call me sadistic but wouldn’t it make more sense for Riley to have killed Charlie right now? I mean they want to hurt Bella, right? Wouldn’t killing her father do that? Or at the very least kidnapping him?  Look, I love the guy and all but this weird Riley watching Charlie sleep and leaving him completely unharmed doesn’t make any sense

34.  Ah the Cullen house. Bella and Edward need to negotiate with Carlisle to keep this house because it is beautiful

35.  “Now let’s all just sit around in a nice little circle and discuss what Edward smelt in Bella’s room, shall we?” – The Cullen’s, probably

36.  …Uhm Jacob, she has Jacob. I mean, you don’t have to be a mind reader to figure that out Edward

37.  Lol, that Switzerland line is probably one of the worst lines in this movie

38.  Quick question: why exactly is Bella so special again? I mean you all are basically ready to die for her, so I would just like to know why exactly

39.  I hope he doesn’t own any shirts Edward, have you seen Taylor Lautner’s abs? Don’t deprive the audience of that

40.  Also, lol are they seriously having a dick measuring contest right now, in the middle of the street? Interesting.

41.  And now for the history section of the movie- anyone mind if I go grab some water really quickly? No? Okay cool, thanks.

42.  Oh shit, I missed some stuff. Uhm… new-borns? Armies? Alliteration? I’m intrigued

43.  How can you idiots think it’s the Voltari? Isn’t this a bit low profile for the creepy vampire government?

44.  Oh I see, it was to drag this movie on wasn’t it? And now we have yet another Edward and Bella whisper-talking scene. Awesome.

45.  Blah blah, you can’t be a vampire Bella, blah blah

46.  Where are we right now, we can’t still be in forks right?

47.  Yeah Jacob, YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH BELLA, WE KNOW. WE HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN. JEEZ, WOULD YOU JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AGAIN.

48.  Yeah, she’s not. She’s rushing into it for completely different reasons asshole.

49.  Bam! Punch to your stupid face. Take that wolf boy

50.  I fucking love this scene man- not the Jacob and Edward pissing match, but Charlie’s breaking up of the fight.

51.  “I kissed Bella, and she broke her hand…punching my face-total misunderstanding.” -ICONIC

52.  And now we get Rosaline? Rosalee? Nikki Reed’s character’s backstory, yay. Btw, she was the badass- killing your ex-fiancé while draped in a beautiful wedding dress? Fucking priceless

53.  Great, now Bella is shipwrecked- wait? Oh shit, wrong movie. My bad (I’m also simultaneously watching Snow White and the Huntsman, for some reason)

54.  Ugh, we get it, being a vampire sucks- when do we get to the ‘Eclipse’ part of the movie?

55.  Also, this movie sure does make a big hoopla around the fact that turning into a vampire will basically ruin Bella’s life and is a totally bad call and then immediately goes on to disregard all of that in the next two movies. So, I guess what I’m saying is, all of this is just one big enormous waste of time.

56.  Full disclosure: I left for about 10 minutes…ah man, I missed the training session? Fuck.

57.  But while we’re on the topic, wtf was the point of that anyway? I get that the wolves needed to know about how to defeat the new-borns and all, but couldn’t Jasper have sent them an email? Or a memo? A tweet?

58.  Yay, now we get Jasper’s backstory; are Emmet’s, Alice’s, Carlisle and Esme’s going to be in the next movie? No? Then wtf is the point of all of this!

59.  Petition for a twilight spin-off where we see how all the other vampire couples in this movie met, because I am willing to bet good money that those are a hell of a lot more interesting than Bella and Edward’s story.

60.  Lol, Bella figures out that Victoria is behind everything because she needed to do something, right?

61.  STOP BEING A CHILD BELLA, THEY’RE ALL TRYING TO SAVE YOUR FUCKING LIFE!

62.  I really do love Jasper

63.  He said RUN Jacob, not walk at a glacial pace.

64.  And then this jackass just straight up stops. Are you people not on the clock? Army of new-borns approaching to kill everyone? Anybody?

65.  Ok, one more time I promise- I love Charlie!

66.  She was literally just about to come inside the house Edward, calm down dude

67.  Ok, I get that the Cullen’s live in the woods, and don’t have any visitors and stuff but wouldn’t it be like a logical precaution to have actual beds in the house? Just in case? I can’t be the only one who thinks this is a good idea.

68.  …Uhm, okay now we’re in the mountains. Cool (lol, no pun intended)

69.  They really should have planned better for this trip, just saying.

70.  Worst. Sleep-acting. Ever

71.  You know, a part of me wishes that Bella did actually chose Jacob and then the next movie is just a moping Edward trying to deal with his heartbreak and then he meets Klaus Mikaelson and the two of them plot to kill Jacob and take over Forks. Doesn’t that sound like an epic movie?

72.  why, Why, WHY ON EARTH DOES SHE ASK JACOB TO KISS HER? THIS MAKES NO SENSE, STOP TRYING TO FORCE THIS RELATIONSHIP ON US YOU BASTARDS!

73.  Most. Understanding. Fiancé. Ever (also, Bella is a dick to her fiancé)

74.  “it’s starting” fucking finally

75.  These new-borns may be strong, but they can’t fight for shit

76.  Who is this little girl, and why am I supposed to care?

77.  Oh shit, Victoria. Also, AAAAHHHH new actress playing Victoria is as uninteresting as her predecessor

78.  “You’re dead” No Riley, you’re dead. nice seeing you though

79.  Ding dong the (red-headed changed actress) witch is dead

80.  Fucking bullshit surprise new-born is bullshit. Also, DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM THE TRAINING SESSION JACOB

81.   ‘Hang in there”? Hang in there? For the love of all things good and pure, please SHUT UP Bella. We really don’t need your utterly useless advice right now.

82.  Out of place Voltari are completely, and totally unexciting

83.  AAAAHH sweaty Taylor Lautner… he’s still pretty though- oblivious and unbearably naïve, but still pretty

84.  Jacob, sweetie, please just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

85.  They really do love that field, don’t they?