#anyways I'm being totally normal
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Hank J Wimbleton.... Coffee shop bar au....
#I'm very normal about madness combat ok#specifically about hank#I'm not even gonna bury these posts on purpose anymore#if any artist/writer mutuals see this I'm dead but like#imagine. you're a grunt in the post-apocalyptic world of madcom#you own a bar/inn that works like “you can stay the night and/or get drinks for free. the only rule is damage property - get banned”#and then on a slow day (the bar is empty) Nevada's *most feared* merc just walks in#tries to threaten you just with his presence (looming)#but you know your rights so you just silently wait for him to order#and then he gets somewhat drunk. mentions being tired and not really having a place to return to (it's the apocalypse so that's normal)#and you offer him a room at your inn. except he has to share your room#cause he insisted you stay (it's YOUR room after all)#and no other rooms have beds big enough for him (he's like 7' tall-)#anyways I'm being totally normal#void chatter
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something something "Why on earth would you believe that [I hated your violin playing]?" "Because you said literally said that to me once, dad!" something something children remember the fucked up things their parents do or say like major historic events, while parents forget them like average tuesdays...or something
#ted lasso wednesdays#could actually say People (not just kids) remember the fucked up things said/done to them but the doers forget like it was no biggie#anyway i'm being totally normal about it all. totally normal about ted lasso and totally normal about everything#(i am not being normal about one single thing)#ted lasso#ted lasso spoilers#ted lasso season 3#ted lasso 3x10#nate shelley#nathan shelley#beloved wonder kid#sweet little grey haired man. so happy to watch our beloved wonder kid finally say so many things he has needed to say for so long
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on care, and scary things
@naffeclipse let's see if I'll ever be normal about this line
#post let luce#dcamv#cryptid sightings#cryptid sightings spoilers#naffeclipse#my art#had to do fully shaded illustrations for this peak contrast/ emphasis and brain got a little weird about shaded art for a hot minute#hence the “delay” but theres no late to being crazy over CS <3#and being ~~crazy~~ totally and utterly normal about CS is a full time job for me anyway#good morning Naff here's some breakfast for you <3#I saw the say goodbye to the fluff post too and I'm just :')#knew it's coming but yknow.#still :')#cant wait to die <3#have these until then <3
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ruthlessly deleting old 2021/2022 posts (not by me) from my dean studies tag like *click* un-incorporating that from my beliefs system! also the way SO many posts have me like ok uh-huh good aaand then say one completely wrong thing that loses me. it's so many posts.
#it's usually when they randomly drop some line of fanon. like saying dean has never admitted to being wrong in his life#or never expressed an emotion or been vulnerable or doesn't Talk About Feelings or is super duper RepressedTM#like i'm sorry. have you watched the show. oh and have you taken off the sammy POV goggles first?#bc this guy is always crying and being vulnerable and talking about his feelings. he is self-aware.#he may not always want to talk to sam abt things! but he sure does talk about things with other people#do i need to reblog the compilation posts AGAIN?#(also re: his sexualiy? AWARE. sorry i saw him flirt and be flustered by so many men. he knows how he feels.)#and then 'first time ever admitting to being wrong' this one came from a post abt dean's prayer in the trap#like i'm sorry but first of all. dean apologizes more than any other character on the show. there are hard numbers on this.#people have tracked this on spreadsheets. i think ilarual is one of them.#and often he is apologizing for things that aren't even his fault! but he still feels responsible for bc he's been made to feel that way#his whole life!!#other characters *cough samandcas *cough* apologizing Less doesn't mean they've Done less things wrong#it just means they're not owning up to it and brushing it under the rug. something both do frequently.#anyways. aside from apologies. dean also has no problem admitting he's wrong y'know when he's actually wrong#which is less often than you'd think bc he has pretty good instincts and intuition and often suspects things which turn out to be Right#but anyways. another thing abt the trap prayer is. i don't think cas Needed to be forgiven#i think dean was justified in feeling angry w cas over the circumstances leading to the Death of His Mother! totally normal grief response!#i think cas also understands dean to be someone who needs time to process and deal with his feelings (he says as much to jack)#however. despite me not think dean Needs to forgive cas. the thing is. with dean when it comes to cas the forgiveness is implicit#when he says /of course i forgive you/ and in the cut like /of course i wanted you to stay/ like. yes he was mad and dealing with grief#but also. yes cas was already forgiven even back then. he just needed Time to work through the feelings#anyways i think dean says he 'forgives' cas bc it's what CAS needed to hear to stop feeling guilty and dean gives him that closure#but i also think cas was already forgiven even in dean's anger. he wants him there always. i'd rather have you. we can fix this. etc etc#a lot of tags for a non-rebloggable post ajksdfs maybe i'll make these into a real post sometime#vic.txt#dean and feelings#so i can find this all again later
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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i will not stand here and say the quarry's writing is perfect by any means, but man. that moment. in the beginning. when chris absolutely loses his shit and you see every last one of the hacketteers freeze..............shocked, wide-eyed, so taken aback they don't move even to look at each other.............
and then, realizing what just happened, chris scrambles frantically to grab hold of the situation again. he tries to grin at ryan ("tries" being the keyword), he tosses him the keys like nothing's wrong. he tries to go back to being mr. h - he does, he tries so hard - and finally when ryan talks to him, there's what waver in his voice. that absolute lack of understanding in his eyes. ryan's not just surprised, he's not just shocked......for a second there, he is scared, and chris sees that, realizes it, and peels out of there before anyone can say anything else. just.....
JUST............
i think that moment is 100% the moment i realized UH OH I THINK I LOVE CHRIS HACKETT because that's when we see the counselors have been around this guy for two whole months (some of them even longer, possibly), and not once. not once!!!!!!!!!!! had they realized who he really was.
ugh. UGH. i LOVE IT.
#queenie rambles about supermassive#dont even get me started on the flashback with him and travis in the station either#we as the audience like. ONLY see chris at his worst. from the beginning he's grumpy. he's vaguely suspicious. he's screaming into a car.#but the hacketteers SO CLEARLY have not seen him like that. not even once. even when dylan jokes about the sex dungeon...#you know it's tongue in cheek on his part - trying to get a response from ryan#i just. gfdi i know i always end up feeling the most attached to the characters with literally the least screentime of all but i love chris#i really really ReaLLY love the idea of this guy who puts on the happy wholesome corny dad face#only to turn around and be eeeeevery bit as unpleasant as the rest of the family turns out to be#AGAIN! THE SCENE WITH TRAVIS IN THE FUCKING STATION!!!#this is probably just because im replaying tq and getting back into writing#the hacketts#but fuck me. FUCK ME. the thought of mr. h and chris hackett being two very separate characters is just. so. good.#anyway i'm in a totally normal place re: my mental health lately. how about you guys.
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The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.
It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.
#red said#i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life#my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me#like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy.#anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is.#but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was#like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it#i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen.#I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles#and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences#and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma#obviously microtraumas build up but still.#then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma#is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING#told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip#and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain#until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position#and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific#and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with#like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex#out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage?#and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh#so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea#that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting.#like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.
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OH MY GODDDD I'M FINALLY AT THE 2 HOUR KAITO KID SPECIAL IS HE NOT THE ABSOLUTE SWEETEST FUCKING THINGGGG STOPPPPPPSDMKCSKCND
#LIKE YES SHINICHI AND HEIJI ARE SO CUTE WITH THEIR RESPECTIVE GIRLS™️#BUT DO THEY CONJURE A ROSE OUT OF THIN AIR JUST TO MAKE A QUEEN SMILE ??? NO !!!!!!#i'm screaming . anyway. totally normal about this#kaito: me and the bad bitch i pulled by being corny#can i just say i truly genuinely absolutely wholeheartedly adore all the couples in the show like this saccharine sweetness is . untouchabl#cattoru's#detco#detco219#kaito
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was gonna make a most about a World Trigger au i have rotating in my brain but realized that was a bad idea because I don't want spoilers and i'm only on episode 28 of season one ladjflasjdf
but the autism is autisming and i cannot stop thinking about the boys and what triggers they'd have
and how F!mikey's sacrfice would probably give casey a Black Trigger, and how Leo probably had a Black Trigger from Raph or Donnie in the bad future
Thinking about how Karai's sacrfice left a Black Trigger that only April and/or Splinter could use
please don't send spoilers into my inbox or comments i'll cry
#rambles#the brainrot is bad send help jalsdjflasjdf#aside from being engaged in the episodes#i havent stopped thinking about this#and how the epf could be Border and the hidden city kind of like the Neighborhood#maybe even the PD as a part of the neighborhood#how draxum was developing triggers outside of Border's knowledge like how Tamakoma branch made their own triggers#ell I already see the “weeb” message in discord#im so normal about anime what can i say#it was either this or noragami and i think a noragami au would strike me down immediatly aldkflasdjf#definately not thinking about the similarities between yato and leo on a daily basis#shhhhh totally not#anyways i've activated the audhd and am so happy i'm about to have a panic attack so im going to try to sleep now alsdjfalsdfj#no more watching anime until 2am
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Portrait Versus Photograph
Queen Victoria's Daughters
Vicky (1840-1901), married Frederick, future Emperor of Germany. She had four sons, including Wilhelm II of Germany, and four daughters, including Queen Sophia of Greece.
Alice (1843-1878), married Louis IV, Grand Duke of Hesse and by the Rhine. She had two sons and five daughters, including Empress Alexandra of Russia.
Helena (1846-1923), married Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein. She had four sons and two daughters.
Louise (1848-1939), married John Cambell, future Duke of Argyll. She had no children.
Beatrice (1857-1944), married Prince Henry of Battenberg. She had three sons and one daughter, including Queen Victoria Eugenie of Spain.
#me in a totally normal way: LOUISE!!!! VICKY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway#monarchy#history#Empress Victoria Princess Royal#Grand Duchess Alice of Hesse and by Rhine#Princess Helena of Schleswig-Holstein#Princess Louise Duchess of Argyll#Princess Beatrice of Battenberg#I always love pics of Helena because she genuinely always looks like she's about to deck someone#i could do one for the boys but i'm also like nahhhhhhhhhh#the girls are very good at letting you trace fashion changes due to there being 17 years between Vicky and Bea
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EPISODE 8 MADE UP FOR PREV CRITICISM SO GOOD, I CAN'T– LITERALLY KICKING MY LEGS RN
#HOLY FUCKING SHIT#TECCHOU AND KENJI. DAZAI AND SIGMA. TERUKO AND ATSUSHI. FUCKING FYODOR AND CHUUYA.#Bram and Aya. Sweeties I love you both so much.#I'M SO NORMAL ABOUT DAZAI'S SMIRK#AND HIS PAUSE. HIS MEMORY FLASHES. AND THE EYE CRINKLE IN THOUGHT. THEY LET HIM SHOW EMOTION WE'RE WINNING#I was totally not expecting Fyodor to bark though like sir? This cats against dogs or what#well more like cat+adopted kitten vs dog+seagull cause what the fuck was that screech last episode#AHH TERUKO WAS JUST AMAZING AS ALWAYS#oh Tecchou and Kenji how I long to see you two in the manga again#I was kinda surprised to see Chuuya's eyes didn't change though... anyway#this episode just rocked the wait that felt eternal was just WORTH it#bungou stray dogs#bsd#EDIT: I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT HOW FERAL I WENT OVER TECCHOU'S LINE BEING FINALLY DELIVERED SHIT
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since I finished notr I'm finally getting around to finishing shadow of the torturer. I think the thing I enjoy most about it is that it's sometimes quite difficult to read. I like when books make you work for it! I especially like when books present events through a lens of altered consciousness as if that's actually what's happening. I love to do that! I love to see weird catholicism that I can't distinguish from the fantasy elements! I love to see a dude inventing the fuck out of all kinds of words!
however.
every other page I am thinking "oh my g-d what the hell is it like to be a woman and be reading this book"
#my brother loves this book#and in general reads classic sci fi with the earnest obliviousness of someone who can't quite bring himself to believe misogyny matters#I keep reading books and not being able to believe how much the protagonist is constantly thinking about sex#I am informed It's Normal For Teens but what the fuck#anyway here's my aspirational tag:#blog of the new sun#I'm excited because the fact that severian is going to become autarch makes me totally uncertain what this series is about#like. can you become autarch without ever having a meaningful relationship with a man? maybe we're about to find out!
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The last time I got a bit drunk I started doing my dishes and messaging everyone I knew. I was having 3 conversations at once and finally accomplishing a task I'd been putting off all day. how does THAT work. I'm inventing new unique ways to be a failwoman (gender neutral)
#i'm having the world's stupidest problems#if i revealed the specific amount of time i have spent procrastinating on trying to get a job despite waling up every day intending to try#you all would think i was insane#other life tasks too#sometimes i will want to do something and it will be like. okay if i was normal i could do this in months but#let's say 3-5 years#i feel bad about it too not because i want to be productive for some rich guys somewhere but because!#i have goals for my life i would prefer to stay busy and do something that benefits someone somewhere (not those rich guys)#i like doing tasks even#i would prefer to not be sitting here thinking#and if i could just master basic life tasks we could move on to fun creative goals i have too or things i'd like to try#anyway. perhaps i will just try different substances until i can hit the off switch on whatever that is for a sec#i really just need like 3 months of not being like this. total. forever#i truly think i could sort it out in 3 months
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Oh boy look at the time. -checks a reoccurring calendar notification that says 'cry in the club about Xehanort and his abandonment complex'-
#i don't know why this occurs i just periodically get sad about Xehanort again#not a sentence i thought I'd ever write if you asked me a few years ago but like this has been my life for the last year and a half#just periodically getting deeply sad about Xehanort#the sad du jour is about Xehanort aggressively clinging to how being the Child of Destiny means he's totally not unwanted#even if his mom did give him up and his dream friends aren't even really his friends#and maybe his real friends will also reject him if he's insufficiently dogmatic about light and darkness#surely it doesn't matter he's the Child of Destiny he's not UNWANTED perish the thought#and anyway he totally doesn't care even if he IS unwanted. Totally. Totally not hung up on what Baldr said at all.#IT'S FINE. I'M FINE. I'M SO NORMAL ABOUT IT.#khml needs to come out so i stop chewing glass about this [it will probably also make me chew glass]
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and I'm having thoughts again
so I've been watching that John Larroquette interview that I reblogged on repeat for half an hour now and I'm just. man I am so very....... okay I'm trying not to say that I'm stupid anymore but god what else is there to say. it's making me feel like my brain just turns off and all there is is static and [insert very high frequency screaming sound].
like I would love to be able to have actual thoughts about this shit but I am not. I just love love love people who think about shit and face their issues and work on getting better. and talk about it. like it's just a thing that happened. because it is. it's not 'oh you did bad shit in your past so you're fucked forever now'. it's 'bad shit happened, I did bad things, I confronted it, I made different choices' and that's it. I just. man I'm feeling really emotional and am probably gonna have a good long cry about this now.
#one thought that I had when my brain stopped just loudly screaming at me was#oh I totally always think I wouldn't ever end up in a cult. because it's not something that would appeal to me and shit. I'm suspicious of#anything like that. one person claiming to know everything and all that#and it just hit me like. DUDE. you would absolutely 100% end up in a cult if the right guy was leading it#like if he had a cult that I could join right now? oh dude I'd be so in. kinda joking but also like. come on I am so fucking obsessive I#would absolutely fall for that#(and lets not even get into the whole thing of actually getting attention from the person I'd be obsessed with. oh it'd be bad. it'd fuck#me up. I'd be so easy to convince if we're being honest....)#but anyway I just. I don't know#honestly though? I just love studying one person at a time from afar like. hi I would immediately explode if I ever met this man I could not#handle it. but I can absolutely find out everything I can about him and study him like. something that normal people would study idk I'm#insane.#anyway man that was a weird tangent#true tho.#I don't want to make light of actual addictions like alcoholism. I'm not. addicted I guess. but I'm absolutely fucking obsessive about shit#and I absolutely know it cannot be healthy to keep doing this#like dude you have no life because all you do is watch other people live theirs. why am I studying this man's life like it matters. it's not#making anything better. knowing every damn thing he did in the 80s will not make up for the fact that I don't have. anything.#fuck now I'm really crying oh well this really took a weird turn#fuuuuck.#personal
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the 'why are they making star wars woke' reviews on high republic books are always stupid (just leave dudes, let us have this one, fuck off) but I can't stop thinking about this one for path of deceit that was like 'and WHY did they have to keep pointing out that those two girls were raised by LESBIANS'.
babe. they're cousins. not sisters.
I keep thinking of this. because I too honestly keep forgetting Marda and Yana are cousins not sisters, I just accepted them and their lesbian moms
#like there are plenty of other same sex couples with kids i was just like totally normal#anyway i also continue just heavily sighing and being like 'goddammit marda' every five minutes#girl can you get your head out of your ass#but no i'm really loving how this phase is just marda ro's downward slide into fanaticism#despite having so many opportunities to open her mind just a little#she's just like 'nah fuck you'#star wars#the high republic#path of vengeance#just leave bro you don't have to read/watch the high republic stuff#leave us alone#but also yeah fair enough i did keep forgetting they were cousins lol
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