#anyways I’m gonna q this to post sometime when I’m sleeping because I get embarrassed about people reading my rambling

[damsxlette]

ranting in the tags ⬇️

[blackssuunn-mandoandyodito]

Tabaco y Brea

Part 7

Pairing: Javier Peña x female! DEA reader

Warnings: angst, brief mention of sex, embarrassment? If you think I should add something, let me know

Summary: Javi thinks about everything that led both of you here, and worries about what Escobar said.

A/N: well here it is! I hope you enjoy it. I wrote another part before this one that has, mmm, smut, I'll post it but I'm not sure when, keep an eye out. Also, I changed some things shown in the series a little bit, but nothing major. Thank you for reading!

Note: this is slightly edited, just a few format stuff.

Masterlist•Chapter 6• AO3 account

If you were to ask Javier what his craziest years have been, he wouldn’t even hesitate to tell you with certain fondness in his eyes, that both 1979 and 1980 were close to his breaking point.

When he arrived in Colombia in the early 70's, he didn't expect to get so attached to the land, to the people. Often, he came off as an asshole who was only there to do his job and fuck his way through Colombia. And usually, he had no problem with portraying that facade. It made everything easier, no one tried to mess with him or get close. He could sit silently on his desk and smoke as much as he wanted for as long as he desired, no one but the big bosses would mess with him. He was always in his own world.

The real world though, felt like it was falling apart every day, without thinking about stopping or at least slowing down. Javier always felt like he had to put it back together, which was ironic because if he wasn’t able to keep himself together, how much could he do for the world?

Everything had a dual perspective for him since the day he arrived. Knowing two languages gives you a certain advantage that changes slightly the way you see things. Sometimes the differences were strikingly wide, and sometimes he couldn’t tell the two apart. The way foreigners saw things was colder, insensitive. The locals felt things, mourned, and thought more about the people than politics.

Javier was always torn between the two. He was a foreigner but always tried his best to not act like one. That didn't stop him from fucking up greatly multiple times though.

Once, while he's looking at some pictures of a roadhouse, the sound of the Ambassador arguing with someone over the phone reaches his ears.

'And what the hell am I supposed to do with a girl who's mom is FBI? I have enough petulant bullshit to deal with Javier here"

That makes him frown. Is he really that annoying?

"I don't give a fuck if she was the best of her class, I don't need more agents."

It's not usual to hear the Ambassador swear, so Javier knows it must be something that really bothers her if she's so angry.

Trying not to alert anyone else about it, he sits more straight and leans his head slightly towards the Ambassador's office, trying to hear better.

"If you're gonna send her anyways, why the fuck did you bother to call me then?" There's a short pause. "Well thanks for the courtesy between agents, it's no fucking help. Goodbye."

Silence settles over the office again after that, and Javier didn't find out much anyways so he doesn't dwell on it and keeps reading about the new Narco that's growing quickly over México, with base in Nuevo Laredo. Something about it tells him it’s tied to Escobar in some way.

Days later, he finds out he's going to have a new partner. 

He doesn't care too much either. His partners always run away after some months. No one can handle this war for too long, and he's not sure how he's pulling through it. It weighs heavy on his shoulders. It makes him wake up sweaty from a nightmare, scares any kind of hunger away, reminds him why he should never get attached to anyone everyday. And still, he's doing much better than the people he's supposed to be helping. Several times he feels close to losing hope, to giving up. Every morning he wakes up, looks at the mirror and wonders what he's doing, why he's doing it. He's breaking, falling down, giving up. He wants to run away but it feels like betrayal, to just drop everything and go back to Texas as if nothing happened. He wants to, but knows he won't be able to live without guilt every day of his life. 

The guilt, the sorrow, everything is suffocating him. There's not a day when fresh air fills his lungs, the gun tucked inside his jeans feels like it weighs a ton and nothing makes sense anymore. He's working on autopilot.

And then you arrive. That pretty, smart girl from the Ventura Q of the DEA, top of her class, arrives and twists his entire life.

You, with your bright eyes and your bright smile and your love for life. With amazement showing in your features when you look at the city once he takes you to a viewpoint. You, with the little sounds of pleasure you make when you're eating something he bought for you to taste. With the addiction you have for dancing he knows came from your close relationship with your father. You, with your giggles and your little screams when he takes you to see The Shining.

You, with the love for little things he has never felt before.

And he's not a man who cares about many things, if he's being honest. He didn't know how overwhelming love feels, how it changes the way you see life once the sensation of pure ecstasy and happiness fills you and pumps through your veins.

But, once, as you both read through the reports of other agents after a raid, he stops for a second and turns to look at you.

And fuck if what he feels in that moment doesn't scare him shitless. 

It's not even a special moment. You're just frowning and circling a lot of things with a pink marker as you huff. But you manage to look like something his imagination would create to try and pull him out of self pity while doing so, tired from hours of nonstop working but still shining like a star, as marvelous as a work of art. Maybe something beyond that, something he doesn’t have a word for. He knows you're real because someone as dark and twisted as him could never create something as astonishing and beautiful as you.

 He shouldn't feel anything, he knows it's a stupid decision to pay attention to the feeling inside his chest.

But he does, he pays attention, and it's whispering this is how love feels. This is what you've been missing. 

Needless to say, it takes his breath away.

He falls in love.

He falls in love, without brakes or any kind of control that could stop him from doing so. He lets himself fall in love, embraces it but doesn't do anything about it. He yearns, he aches. He cries sometimes. He laughs others. He gets drunk and sings the songs the guys at Texas used to play when he still was the Deputy there. He still can’t sleep, but now there are entirely different reasons behind it. 

Sometimes, when he feels really good and he has a good day, he indulges in domestic fantasies that he knows won’t ever happen because he most likely won’t make it out alive from this mess. If the probability was small before, now that he has someone to lose and therefore protect, the probability is practically non-existent.

No, he doesn't do anything about it, but he refuses to let go of the feeling. It helped him see there are still things worth living and fighting for, after all.

And it comes to bite him in the ass when he hears Escobar shout "me saludas a tu papi" (say hello to your daddy for me) at you when he almost dies just after days of tension between you two, after he fucked up in Cali.

Why did he have to fuck up in Cali, of all places? Couldn't he fuck up in Medellín?

Then he fucks up a little more. In for a penny, in for a pound.

----

"Have you ever been in love before?"

Asking those words after what you've just done seems out of place. Asking the man you just fucked through the mattress if he knows about love comes as almost rude, but aren't nights supposed to be for this kinda thing?

Javier shakes his head. "No, I don't think so." he answers, voice low and tired. "I was gonna get married, but I don't think I loved her."

You prop into your elbow, turning to look at him. "What happened?"

He closes his eyes and takes a drag from his Marlboro. "She told me she was pregnant just to tie me to her. The day before the wedding, she called me," his voice turns bitter and somewhat disappointed, "and said she had gotten her period. I fled from there and drove without stopping for fear of her brothers following me."

You know who he’s talking about. Lorraine isn't someone he talks about much, but when he does it's never with a good tone, though never anything rude. Javi isn't much of talking anyways.

You nod and plop back to the bed. Silence fills the room again, hot and foggy from the sweat you worked up to with your activities.

This is a bad idea, you know it. Fucking and not actualy having a settled relationship is maybe the worst decision you've made with Javi, and the talks that always follow just make everything worse.

He lets out all the sounds he wants to, and you're sure he's not like that with other women. He's a sentimental man, sure, but he's too scared to let someone he doesn't know get too close, even if he aches for that kind of attention. He communicates a thousand things by touch, things that make you ask yourself if they're real or if you're only making everything up, too hopeful. You figure he feels safe in your embrace, thinking it's worth risking your working dynamic and your friendship by your actions.

You're happy to provide it, no problem. You just wonder how long will it last before you break or one of you gets hurt.

You cannot bring yourself to care enough to stop. 

"What about you?" He asks. Summers in México come to mind, along with days of the training in Ventura and parties in California, different names popping up. None of them make you feel quite as Javier always does with just a glance.

"I don't think so either." you answer honestly, "Not that I can remember, at least."

He shrugs. "If you can't remember any, then there isn't any. Love is not something you can forget about."

Javi also tends to become slightly poetic after a good fuck and a cigarette.

His ribs are still a little bit bruised from the gunshots of a few days ago, purple spots covering his waist and his chest. And you don’t like to think back to that day, it still haunts you. But every time you and Javi fucked in between that day and today, you have to ball your hands into fists and clench your teeth to stop your tears from falling. You have to remind yourself it’s just sex. Yes, you agreed to be exclusive but in no other way could you be considered a couple. Besides, relationships between agents are forbidden.

(Not that it would stop you, but still)

“And have you ever wanted to be in love?” 

Javier frowns at the ceiling. 

“I don’t think we have much of a choice when love comes our way. Either you fall in love and suffer, or you fall in love and embrace it.”

----

If he only knew.

Javier and Steve both turn to look at you, the question marks in their eyes are evident to you. You stand up, as clueless as them when you walk to the door.

“Bera,” the Ambassador’s voice comes from her office with too much volume. It makes you jump slightly. “Come here.”

Once inside, she gestures you to take a seat in one of the chairs in front of the desk. It feels like coming to the principal’s office as a little kid who got in trouble.

She just stares at you for a few seconds, not saying anything.

That’s never a good sign.

The silence becomes heavy, and you have to push down the urge to squirm under her stare. Once she speaks, you wish she hadn’t.

“Are you sure about what you’re doing?”

She doesn’t even have to say it aloud for you to understand what she’s talking about.

Fuck, is it really that obvious? You and Javier don’t even act different in front of anyone. There’s not even a big change to begin with. It's just sex. You’re not staring lovingly at each other’s eyes or playing footsie under the desk, Javier even stopped buying food for you only, now you have to share with him. 

You take a deep breath, torn between feigning ignorance or acknowledging the situation with as much dignity as possible.

She doesn’t even give you time to think.

“Don’t even try to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m old, I’ve seen some stuff and you can’t play dumb with me.”

Well, there goes that.

“Can I ask something first?”

That surprises her. She breaks from the intimidating posture from before and leans back on her chair, nodding.

“How did you notice?”

She laughs, interlacing her fingers in front of her and looking at you with amusement in her eyes.

“Honey, I noticed even before anything happened. You two are obvious as hell. Even a little kid could notice it by staying two minutes inside the same room as you.”

That doesn’t make any sense. Before Cali, even before Steve, you were never sure about Javier’s feelings. You knew he wasn’t indifferent to you, but with the way he carries himself around, it’s difficult to figure out if what he’s showing is really what he’s feeling.

You decide against saying anything else and nod. She sighs, shaking her head as she looks at you. 

“I just hope you don’t regret it later.”

Well, you’re right there with her on that one.

She ushers you outside and you quickly stand up, forcing your legs to work at a normal pace and not run away like your brain urges them to. 

Just as you’re about to get out of the office, you hear her speak again, but the words are not meant for you to hear.

“I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him and then bring him back to life just to cut his balls off if he ever hurts her.”

You cover your mouth to stop the giggle from escaping, and walk to your desk with a smile on your face.

Javi arches his eyebrow at you. “Everything okay?”

You bite your lip. “Yeah, everything’s great.”

He smiles at you and winks. You chuckle, shaking your head and turning to read the reports you have to deliver that day. Most likely than not, you’ll have to say late to finish. Javier too, just like the day before yesterday.

Blood runs hot down your body as you remember. It had been an amazing night. Javi’s desk has a crack on the edge to prove it.

Realization hits you.

Oh God, so that’s why she noticed.

Tabaco y Brea taglist: @larakasser @storiesofthefandomloversreblogs @fioccodineveautunnale @thisisthe-way @synystersilenceinblacknwhite @marydjarin @ithinkimhardcore @nellyneko

[icequeen-shiva]

alright, you know what

about two weeks ago maybe by now, i made a post about how i’ve recently hit 200 followers and i’d like to do a q&a again, and even with a reblog from someone more ~*popular*~ than me, and multiple reblogs once a day for a few days by myself, i didn’t get a single fucking question. not one. earlier today i posted two pictures of myself where i felt pretty (i’ve since deleted them) and nobody i actually know of liked it and i got asked by a stranger who doesn’t even follow me if i had any nsfw pictures. i don’t get asks anymore, i don’t get shit. and that tells me that, you may be following me, but you aren’t connecting with me. and i feel that. i get on tumblr and i don’t feel like i’m friends with fucking anybody. and i did that. i know i did that. 9/10 times i let my fear of rejection and embarrassing myself overcome my desire to talk to people, so i don’t do it, or i let it fizzle out and we go our own ways and we don’t become friends. 1/10 times i actually function as a human being and make a connection or at least something that sticks a little.

so here, below the cut, is a comprehensive (loosely) list of things that i like, in no particular order at all, besides tickling, because apparently both sides of this need a little help connecting on any front.

scooby-doo

beetlejuice

the addams family

the sims

the mcu

classic disney animations; my favorites are dumbo, the great mouse detective, the rescuers, sleeping beauty, and oliver and company (it’s old enough that i consider it in the classic category)

~modern disney animations too; my favorites are treasure fucking planet, coco, and... i’m a sap, beauty and the beast. rise of the guardians too even though it isn’t disney.

musicals; i can’t pick a favorite just fucking ask me, but i don’t know a lot of newer ones honestly

empire records

the greatest showman still

cats (i mean the animals but i also like the show even though it is Weird As Hell)

my cat in particular

alice in wonderland

stranger things

space jam

tsum tsums

elvira, mistress of the dark

dice

kiki’s delivery service and specifically jiji things

winnie the pooh i don’t even fucking care i LOVE HIM AND ALL OF HIS FRIENDS

silly hats

playdoh

interesting earrings

exploring libraries or big bookstores

true crime mysteries; my favorite youtuber for this is georgia marie, bless her. i also watch bella fiori and kendall rae

fictional mysteries too

i have a kind of fascination with jack the ripper and with the lizzie borden case

shipwrecks! i don’t know why but shipwrecks fascinate me! why did they go down? all the stories that went with them!

i once read a novel that was told as a series of letters, or journal entries, by people on the titanic, including the iceberg and it was THE absolute saddest book i have ever read in my life. like, obviously i knew what was coming, but i got attached to the characters, the letters made them alive and it was just like... NO. NO I DON’T WANT THEM TO DIE. I KNOW THEY’RE GOING TO BUT THEY CAN’T. and it was awful. i had to put it down and cry.

cryptozoology

the bermuda triangle theories (i’m not saying i believe sOmEtHiNg’S gOiNg On but i think some of the theories are interesting)

ghosts

the nancy drew computer games

monopoly

i still play a lot of my snes games; my go-to time killer and head-clearer honestly is kirby’s avalanche. i also play a lot of super mario rpg legend of the seven stars, super mario world, kirby’s dreamland 3, and donkey kong 2 and 3

final fantasy x in which i’m guaranteed to call almost (i can’t stress that enough) every character at some point “my child”

hyrule warriors, i know it’s not a tRuE zelda game but it’s fucking fun

same with fire emblem warriors

red dead redemption

kingdom hearts

the uncharted series

splatoon but i don’t have it wahhhhh

mind you i am not very Good at videogames, i just like to play them anyway

game grumps

ninja sex party

jacksepticeye

markiplier

monty python

crocheting

tea

harry potter

classic rock. pretty big on queen lately. i like tom petty and the heartbreakers. i like joan jett and the blackhearts.

i just... like rock. across the board. i like the offspring. i like some rage against the machine songs. acdc on the radio makes me happy. def leppard on the radio makes me happy. beartooth, starset, powerman 5000, as long as it’s got a good beat and good stuff going on behind the vocals then i’m gonna be happy. i’m way more into the guitars and the bass and everything going on instrumentally than i am vocally, honestly. the whole big guitar solo to van halen’s “you really got me” and then that bassline that comes in, that bassline is sexy. it’s so simple but i LIKE it.

anyway music as a whole gets me right in the heart and can lift me up when i am at my literal worst point

it’s hard for me to name a favorite or specific bands that i like because there’s so many and i’m not really picky about it. 

pop vinyls

good ol’ vines

buffalo wings

mac and cheese

grilled cheese

dr. pepper

i drink a l o t of dr. pepper

pretending i know how to do makeup well

history; i watch a lot of expedition unknown and mysteries at the museum, and sometimes i’ll watch a free documentary on youtube if it catches my attention. last weekend i explained the donner party to my boyfriend. just.. on a whim. because i’d just watched a thing on it and he said he didn’t really know what it was. i’m that person.

OH I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THIS BACK AROUND TRUE CRIME BUT I READ A BOOK ABOUT H.H. HOLMES AND HIS MURDER CASTLE AND THE CHICAGO WORLD’S FAIR. it was by erik larson, i believe. larsen? i could google this. devil in the white city. there’s been talks to make it a movie. it’s a good read though i will admit i skipped a lot of the fair parts because i was there for the murder.

i also read a book about the lusitania by the same author and i was like ohhh my goooood what. it got a little boring sometimes, i had to push myself to keep going, but i would read dead wake again.

csi: miami reruns are the greatest thing don’t @ me

dark purple and black aesthetics

just like... witchy aesthetics. those colors and black cats

if you haven’t noticed by any selfies i’ve posted, i do have my lip pierced and i love finding new lip jewelry. i have a new opal stud in and i love its look

leather jackets

combat boots; i have a galaxy print pair and a pair with classic marvel comics stuff printed on the inside and you can fold down the sides to show it. they’re my faves.

owls

drunk history

the first 5 seasons of supernatural and i still have a soft spot for the winchesters and castiel

i’m slowly making my way through watching the librarians

i’m also making my way slowly through watching the magicians

(american) football

nature walks

going to the zoo

going to the aquarium

like really take me to either of the above and i will lose my shit

road trips

savannah, georgia

the smokey mountains

last august i drove by myself from ohio to boone, north carolina for a friend’s wedding and that wedding was smack on a mountain top and it was the coolest thing i think i’ve ever done

roller coasters BUT NOT EXTREME ONES baby steps ok

log rides tho, i don’t know why, i always love the water rides

ren faires!

cosplay, even though i’m not exactly active in it myself (but i want to be; one of my offline friends is an actually-getting-kind-of-internet-famous mei from overwatch cosplayer)

cards against humanity

foosball

pool but i suck at it

speaking of pools i love swimming ... but i suck at it, i just like boppin’ along in a pool

cookouts

summer

there is nothing like being out in the middle of nowhere in summer when the evening starts to fall and the sky is dark, dark blue and there’s a sea of shimmering lightning bugs out over a field. it’s beautiful. it’s peaceful.

there’s nothing like sitting outside on a calm spring night and listening to the spring peepers (they’re frogs) either.

if you couldn’t tell, i live in the middle of nowhere. i have to find enjoyment in the little things.

campfires

dancing around said campfire, you cannot have a campfire without good music. this is when a lot of my classic rock education came to pass.

elephants

my favorite books are the abhorsen trilogy by garth nix, tied with the serpent’s shadow by mercedes lackey

i am trying to get into comic books by way of the youtube channel comicstorian. they break comic books down for you and read them aloud with the images, altered slightly to avoid copyright strikes (and that’s all made very clear, it’s not done sketchily), and it’s been really easy for someone like me who doesn’t just have a comics store close (and i would otherwise continue on as i have been, forgetting to ever look for them on the internet). i listened to injustice 1 and 2, and they covered the game. i’m actively following scooby apocalypse, and there was some teen titans stuff i went all the way through up until now. i don’t think it’s finished yet from what i remember.

i love museums

candles

i actually kind of collect tea sets

i also have a collection of sand art bottles AND IF I’M EVER AT A FESTIVAL OR A FAIR WHERE THERE IS A SAND ART STAND YOU CAN BET I AM GOING TO MAKE ONE

yugioh duels; i’m definitely just a novice and it’s just a fun pastime my friends got me into when they found their giant binders of cards again

i’m not actually that big on pokemon, i don’t know a lot of them but it’s still fun and i know some. but i did love pokemon go when my friends still played it (don’t really have time anymore, and it kept crashing way too badly on one of their phones anymore anytime they tried to join a raid and it just wasn’t fun as a group then)

i don’t have any but i like the ~look of crystals and would like to have some, not for my own aesthetic but i just... like having pretty things!

listening to the rain

how the air smells (at least where i live) after a long rain and everything is just cleansed

depression has stopped me from writing for a long time but, in my heart, writing has always been something that has touched me ever since i knew how to do it and could put my stories down on paper instead of having to just talk about them... so i’m going to include that here

root beer floats

hotdogs

hard dip ice cream (if you don’t know what hard dip means... as my boyfriend didn’t... it means ice cream that you have to use a scoop with, not soft serve)

soft serve’s good too tho don’t get me wrong

strawberry milkshakes

this isn’t even stuff that anyone would need to know on this site to befriend me at this point, nobody’s gonna message me like HEY I READ YOU LIKE STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKES ME FUCKING TOO

you’re cool if you do that lmao

so bad they’re good creature features from the 50s and 60s

the old godzilla movies

i like the moon more than the stars, but i like them too

flower crowns

bouncy balls

original skittles

this has gone on way too long, nobody is reading this, your mom’s a hoe, goodnight

no she’s not, i’m sorry, if you got this far then i hope your mom is a nice person

[spencer-quinn]

Porcelain || Self Para

This might be triggering as, but I’m not sure? I tried to gloss over things as best as I could, especially with it being written from such an innocent POV. Hate that Rachel bitch. She’s 16 & Q is 12 I 🙃🙃 hate her. I hAtE hEr. Also hate Oliver and anyone else that lays a hand on my BOY.

Posting this was very spur-of-the-moment so I’m sorry for all of the typos that you will absolutely find in this para.

In its simplest form, it all started with skin, he thinks.

Small touches stealing shivers, bruising holds pulling purple welts. Rough fingertips and smooth legs, hair on skin, skin on skin. It blurred together somewhere along the way, but he remembers just how it started. Just skin.

He remembers the first time he thought about it; how it feels to feel somebody’s skin on his in that way. In a way that’s less “I’m here” and more “I’m here for this”, and it’s a lot less complicated than Spencer would have imagined, if he had ever imagined it. The difference is instantly apparent.

With their parents away for his mother’s birthday, Dan is in charge until Oliver arrives tomorrow. He’s invited Rachel over because he likes her, but Spencer is sure she’s been trying to flirt with him behind Dan’s back all evening, and now her hand is on his leg and he feels a little bit guilty because he doesn’t even know how to handle this situation other than to let it play out.

It's nine in the evening and Spencer, Dan and Rachel are sat in the lounge watching The Twilight Zone. Rachel is a little younger than Dan, only by a year or two, but she doesn’t look it. Or maybe Dan just looks younger than he is; Spencer’s dad was sure the boy would fill out a little by the time he was eighteen, but his birthday was two months ago and Spencer’s not seen any signs of his brother broadening up any time soon.

They're all under the same blanket, and Spencer was a little jealous at first, when Dan sat at the other side of Rachel, rather than next to him, but now it’s different.

Rachel has a hand on Spencer's leg, slim fingers curling around his inner thigh and slipping further up every time she pulls in a long inhale, or pretends to shift to get comfortable. He's not sure if he likes it, not entirely sure what it means other than that it’s different, but she's a lot older than him and he's pretty sure this means she thinks he's good-looking. He doesn’t like how nervous he feels, and so he tells himself that this is good.

Spencer can’t exactly put his finger on why the touch feels different. His mother has a habit of squeezing his thigh when they laugh at the TV together, and it doesn’t ever feel like this. Perhaps it’s different when it’s family.

But then, Oliver touches his thighs all the time. They sit together on the couch  on Fridays and Spencer shows him how to play his video games. Oliver likes to wrap an arm over his shoulders and place a hand on Spencer’s leg. Spencer hadn’t even noticed until the day his father walked in in a hurry, and Oliver jumped a mile across the couch. Spencer remembers feeling the harsh contrast in contact. It didn’t feel like this though, he’s sure of it.

He's gonna have to figure it out fast, because Dan stands then, says he's going to the bathroom (he’s been drinking beer to impress Rachel, but he's gone to the bathroom three times since seven, so Spencer thinks he's just making himself looks like a weirdo) and leaves the room as a woman on the TV drags herself across the floor of a mall, porcelain legs screeching against the ground.

They don't speak. He keeps his eyes on the screen as the mannequins chase the girl through the mall. Rachel moves her hand again and then it's on the front of his pants as her other hand takes his own, presses it against her bare thigh and he holds his breath as he watches porcelain shatter.

He never thinks about it in much detail because he doesn’t remember it too well. He remembers being nervous and embarrassed, and wanting to ask if she knew how old he was -how young he was- but not actually saying anything at all. He remembers Dan falling asleep on the couch, Rachel having to sleep in Spencer’s room because she was too scared to sleep all by herself in Daniel’s room. Spencer remembers that she was on top and she wasn’t in his bed for long, and didn’t kiss him even once. He remembers thinking ‘is that alright?’

Perhaps this isn’t his first memory of skin. It’s just the memory that brought back the rest of them.

The next morning, Oliver arrives at half past eleven, waking Spencer when he slams the door, and the boy later discovers that Rachel is gone. She left his room right after what happened, happened, but now she’s gone altogether. He dares to ask Daniel where she is, but the teen just shrugs and slumps off to his room, leaving Spencer alone, playing a racing game on the PlayStation.

Mr. Shaw comes to sit with him while the oven heats up, wraps an arm over his shoulders and pulls him close to his side where Spencer fits comfortably, eyes glued to the TV.

The man notes, “I’m sure you’re getting paler,” as his hand rubs over Spencer’s arm.

Spence hums his acknowledgement, too busy to take much notice in such a familiar embrace.

“You’re like porcelain, you look like you could crack.” The man’s always telling him things like this, but it only makes him feel embarrassed.

Girls are like porcelain, he’s not.

Spencer’s not really listening anyway. He’s trying extra hard to focus, to drown out any thoughts of the night before. By level 2, Oliver’s hand is resting comfortably on his knee and Spencer tells his brain to remember how this touch felt last week;  how it didn’t make him itch like it is today.

It almost works.

After the first time, it’s easy. The girls in his school aren’t interested like Rachel was, but some of the boys talk about the girls that are, and Spencer manages to meet some himself. He likes the way it feels to not be the one made of porcelain.

By the time he’s thirteen, one girl becomes three, even if it is only touching from then on, even if he still hasn’t properly kissed anyone or ended it in the way the kids in school say it’s meant to be. He’s done it and his friends haven’t, so what do they know? He continues to share awkward touches with the middle school girls at their houses or sometimes his, and gradually begins to feel more numb to it. Or natural. Comfortable. Something like that.

It gets to the point where the awkwardness of a situation makes him itch to touch, because he knows that’s where it all gets easy.

Dan always makes sleazy comments about these things, makes grimy suggestions when their parents aren’t looking. He says “you’ll get it one day,” when Spencer pulls his face, but he’s not sure he will for a long time.

But then there’s the fourth girl. Not the fourth time, but the fourth girl. She’s fifteen and she’s done it all before -everything- and she talks him through it like she’s teaching a class and there’s something about how mechanical it feels that makes him ease up. It’s a turning point.

Her name’s Grace. She’s sweet when they’re alone, but kind of a bitch when other people are around, but Spencer doesn’t mind too much because he doesn’t really care to see her anywhere but in her bedroom anyway, and he thinks she feels the same. It’s likely why seeing him elsewhere displeases her as much as it does.

Eventually though, their meetings begin to feel rushed. He remembers that it was summer, because the day after she told him to leave, a girl called Yvonne  from the grade below touched his arm as she spoke to him in the school yard, so he kissed her then hid in the greenhouse while she cried inside. His father had told him how he can’t just go around kissing any girl he liked, and Spencer had to write a letter of apology to her by recess the next day.

He wants to tell her that if she keeps doing it, it won’t upset her anymore. Oliver helps him write it the night before though, and he says that it’s probably not the best message to send.

The man asks, “do you think about doing things like that a lot,” as he sets a towel out for Spencer as the bath fills up.

Spencer just shrugs and slumps off to his room, tired of waiting. He hates when Oliver tries to talk to him about this stuff.

[oceanbreaks]

            T A S K    T H R E E   :   Q U E S T I O N N A I R E

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 001. GENERAL.

does your character have any nicknames ? nope and she’ll knife emoji if u try.

when was your character born ? may 21st, 1989.

where was your character born ? valdez, colorado.

is your character allergic to anything ? nope, feck off allergies.

does your character have any illnesses ? no physical illnesses, prob a lot of undiagnosed mental shite.

what is your character’s mbti type ?  istj, the logisticisnannandjg 

what is your character’s economic status ? lower class.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 002. APPEARANCE.

what is the color of your character’s eyes ? chocolatey brown, yom.

what is the color and texture of your character’s hair ? flat and lifeless like her.

how tall is your character ? five seven we stan.

what is your character’s body type ? string bean.

does your character have any scars ? anyways …

what is your character’s post prominent feature ? her entire face she’s beautiful ok ):  

does your character have any body modifications ? nope, nothing. plain jane.

what is your character’s clothing style ? loose fitting tops, tight fitting bottoms. plain colours b/c [ jake peralta vc ] ya boring.

what does your character’s voice sound like ? unnervingly calm.

what does your character smells like ? ragrets.

what are some unique mannerisms ( talking with their hands, accents, talking fast, etc ) your character has ? unlike bobby she just doesn’t move , she stares a lot.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 003. FAMILY.

does your character have any siblings ? nope, sad.

what are the names of your character’s parents ? are they still alive ? her father’s mizz keisha and her mother is named winona, she’s still kicking probably to her dismay.

does your character have any children ? god no.

does your character have a spouse ? nope.

who is your character’s favorite family member ? her grandma, she’d so anything for her.

did they ever live with their family ? if so, how old were they when they left home ? lives with her gma, iconic duo.

does your character want to have children ? or do they want more, if they already have them ? she thinks she’d be a terrible mother so no probably not.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 004. FAVORITES.

season: winter, cold like her smol heart.

curse word: doesn’t really curse, but sometimes fuck feels good.

food: eh.

book: she hasn’t read since she was a kid, maybe like to kill a mockingbird or some other curriculum shit.

artist: she rly likes any edm or house music that she can jus kinda be out of it to.

animal: fish probably, she rly wants some but hasn’t gotten around to getting any.

tv show: whatever’s on when she gets home, usually some sort of late night show.

movie: doesn’t care for movies that much but nic spark rom coms do get to her.

social media: nope.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 005. PERSONALITY.

is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted ? street smart because she had to be, but still definitely not the fastest.

what does your character want from a partner ? what do they think and feel of sex ? to feel safe, support. a home in a sense. but not clingy because sometime she just gotta brood on her own uk , it be like that . she changes her mind about how she feels abt sex like ten times a day so.

what are your character’s weaknesses ? she’s literally just one big weakness, and she knows it , so ig that’s a strength. check & mate.

how well does your character accept / own up to their own mistakes ? how do they deal with the mistakes of others ? owns up, but never wants to talk abt it again, and extends the same courtesy to those who fuck up.

is your character pragmatic ? responsible ? reckless?  i looked up the definition of pragmatic, ye thats definitely her.

how is your character’s imagination ? daydreaming a lot ? worried most of the time ? idk if she daydreams or if she’s just out of it half the time but wey hey.

is your character aware of who they are ? of their strengths and weaknesses ? yeah very aware, she can go with the tide that way.

how they react when facing a stranger’s suffering ?what about the suffering of their loved ones ? with awkwardness and sympathy that never quite translates right . it doesn’t matter who you are .

how do they feel about their physical body ? ’tis what it is, she doesn’t have any qualms with it.

what do other people think your character’s worst quality is ? that she’s bland af , dry chicken.

is your character an introvert or an extrovert ? introvert.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 006. EXPERIENCES.

has your character ever been arrested ? nearly, didn’t get her tho ; p

has your character ever cheated on a partner ? well maybe but thas prolly only b/c the ‘ what are we ’ talk was never had and thus , miscommunication ensued.

has your character ever been cheated on by a partner? lack of communication rly is the silent killer.

has your character ever been in love ? how did it turn out ? eh , maybe not.

has your character ever had sex ? what was their first time like ? yeah it was fine , at some college party w/e.

what was your character’s first party like ? can’t remember it.

who was your character’s first love ? redacted cos i’m too tired to head canon.

what is their best childhood memory ? what about the worst ? knitting with her grandma, fuckin loser. and just u know parent tingz xd

what’s the most terrible thing that ever happened to your character ? when ya girl accidentally killedt her dad, that shit hunted.

what are some past occupations your character has had, if any ? grocery store, save-a-lots , always in our hearts.

what are their most embarrassing memory ? unreciprocated crushes in college sad , she’s so pretty who wld ever.

have they ever done charity work ? the grocery store once partnered with a charity that took five dollars off her pay check every month so…

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 007. QUIRKS.

does your character drink ? do they take drugs ? yes, and rarely.

what is your character’s most prized possession ? probably some piece of jewelry her grandma gave her.

what are three things you can always find in your character’s wallet / purse ? chapstick, old receipts, forms of contraception for the escorts just in cases.

what are your character’s bad habits ? biting nails, scratching at her skin, tugging at her hair uk the drill, the fun stuff.

is your character a night owl or early bird ? both, yet still manages to sleep an abhorrent amount.

do they prefer crunchy or smooth peanut butter ? smooth tf.

do they prefer netflix or hulu ? neither.

do they prefer cats or dogs ? dogs.

are they left handed, right handed or ambidextrous ? right handed, basic bitch.

⋆ ◦ ° ☾ 008. RANDOM.

did your character like school ? what was their favorite subject ? they liked school for friends and to get away from home, but academically ? hah .

is your character good at their job ? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

what is your character’s dream job ? to be a dancer on broadway or some shit.

what is your character afraid of ? what keeps them up at night ? that she never gonna stop feeling this way ):

what did your character’s childhood home look like ? was it in valdez ? it was, but it was sketch . not nice at all . probably had asbestos.

what is your character’s level of comfort with technology ? it’s aight, she likes social media, or like scrolling thru and hating her like uk.

what is a talent your character thinks they have but is very wrong about ? pimping probably djhfgkfg she’s not awful , but she’s not as cut out for it as she thinks she is .

what is a talent your character actually has ? dancing, talented bean.

what does your character’s home look like ? her grandma’s home is small but cozy, lots of throw blankets.