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nellie-elizabeth · 4 years ago

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Doctor Who: Revolution of the Daleks (2021 New Years Special)

I honestly really loved that! Like, a lot!

Cons:

It wasn't perfect, however. Of course. A few little nitpicky things, and one or two bigger complaints:

So, the bad guy was a little too one-note evil capitalist/politician. Some of his lines made me roll my eyes, like "this is a PR nightmare" being his reaction when he learned that the Daleks were eating liquified humans. The irony of him suddenly being hailed as a hero worked okay, but he was maybe just a touch too cartoonish for my personal preference, in an episode that mostly managed to feel really grounded.

Sometimes the Dalek stories will touch on this "race purity" thing, and the Doctor will talk about how they are beings of hate, and it really feels like we're doing a Nazi allegory, but they don't quite... go somewhere with it? Like, we've got the Prime Minster character talking about protecting borders and increasing security, and then the Daleks who are trying to stamp out "impurities," right? And there's something there, it's not exactly the most subtle of story craft, I guess I just wish it felt more intentional. The Daleks have metaphorical resonance here, and I'm not sure it was totally utilized.

My biggest complaint is one that could have been fixed with an added line or two of dialogue. See, the Doctor drops her "fam" off, then immediately gets imprisoned and remains trapped for literal years, from her perspective. Jack shows up and saves her, and when they return back to Earth, ten months have passed for Graham, Ryan, and Yaz. And the fam, especially Yaz and Ryan, are pissed. They're livid with her for abandoning them, and it really made them think about their place in life, if they want to stay with the Doctor or not. That's all well and good, but there's not really a confrontation of the fact that the Doctor didn't abandon them because she was off on a lark... she was imprisoned. Alone, cut off, for years. I was really flummoxed by the lack of sympathy extended by the others. I know it's her "fault" or maybe the TARDIS' "fault" that she got back ten months later, but what about the years that she spent without them? In my opinion, there was a lack of balance in dealing with that aspect of things.

Pros:

So... if Yaz is not supposed to be in love with the Doctor, someone forgot to tell the actors. And writers. Because WOW. I'm kind of obsessed with the way Yaz was written here. When the Doctor is gone, both Graham and Ryan try and get on with their lives. But Yaz remains firmly focused on finding the Doctor. Of all three companions, Yaz is the one who gets a special moment with Jack, where they basically commiserate over what it's like to be in love with the Doctor and know you won't get to stay with her forever. And then Yaz decides to stay, while the other two leave the TARDIS. There is just so much material here, so much love and desperation from Yaz. There were ways to make this a lot more no-homo, and they didn't take it. For example, during the Jack and Yaz conversation, Jack starts off talking about all the amazing things he got to see with the Doctor, and how losing that was so hard. But Yaz doesn't frame it around her experiences in general, she frames it around the Doctor as a person - wishing she'd never met her so she wouldn't have to suffer knowing what she'd be losing. It's GAY, I tell you. GAY!

Just look at Yaz's arc in this episode. She's missing the Doctor, she's conflicted about staying with her because of the heartbreak awaiting her at the end, but she chooses, ultimately, to stay by her side. Honestly, Yaz is the first companion since... well... Rose, maybe, whose character arc is best served by staying with the Doctor forever. Because she loves her. Romantically. Other companions, notably Martha, Amy, Rory, and Bill, all had other shit going on, other things they had to learn through their adventures. A life to grow into. Yaz? Yaz's place is by the Doctor's side, and I for one am thrilled to see where they're going with this. Come on, BBC. Don't be cowards. Make it gay.

Having Jack back in this special was such a treat. He's an undeniably fun and hilarious character, but Barrowman grounds the performance and gives Jack some real weight. I kind of love the way Jack and this version of the Doctor interact, with this depth of history but also a certain frostiness. We must remember that the Doctor knows what happens to Jack, exactly how long he'll live and how his end will come, and this version of the Doctor, more than any of the other modern versions, has a bit of a wall up when it comes to revealing her inner self to the people around her. But they still love each other, and you can see that love shining through the performance. At first, I was kind of miffed that Jack basically made his exit offscreen, just a voiceover saying he was staying on Earth, a very casual goodbye... but then actually I ended up loving that choice. It's like the Doctor and Jack are two people who were once very close, and will always have that bond, but now they're kind of like time traveling coworkers, just flitting in and out of each others' orbits. The way Jack leaves, there's no reason why he might not come back another time. It's refreshing and fun.

And Jack gave himself a bit of a mentor role in this episode, coaching the others (especially Yaz) on what it is to be the Doctor's companions, on what it might mean. I loved the moment when the Doctor came up with a plan to defeat the Daleks, and while the others were all confused, Jack got exactly what she was doing and tried to talk her out of it right away. Then, when the ship needed to be destroyed, the Doctor assigned the task to Jack, knowing that he'd be happy to blow it up. That shared history really shined through for me!

And now let's talk about Ryan and Graham leaving the TARDIS to stay on earth. Earlier, I was talking about companions and how for the most part, the characters have a growth arc over their time with the Doctor. For Ryan and Graham, it was about healing their relationship, as they grieved for their shared loss. And they did that. They have purpose now, as we see them continuing their life and fighting to protect Earth in the Doctor's absence. I love the idea of having more companions around for the Doctor to interact with. This has never been an ensemble show (not since it rebooted anyway), and the gimmick works best by having the Doctor and one or a small number of companions along for the ride in the TARDIS. But imagine Ryan or Graham giving the Doctor a call someday, whether it be in this regeneration or the next, because they need help with a problem back on Earth. Or maybe the Doctor calls them up the next time she's in the neighborhood! It warms my heart to think about it!

I haven't talked much about the Daleks or, you know, the actual plot of this special, and that's because frankly I'm not sure that was where its strengths lie. And that's okay! I will say I liked that the focus remained on the characters and their relationships, but we also had some commentary about the growing prevalence of the police state in first-world western countries. And capitalism is always an easy motivator for a villain, and that was executed more or less well, barring the complaints I made above. It was a serviceable story that created a proper threat, while really only being there to serve as a backdrop for the human drama.

So that's it! I've seen some mixed responses to this one floating around, but I for one quite enjoyed myself, and I'm excited to meet this new companion coming in. As long as they don't try and make him a love interest for Yaz or the Doctor. These ladies are spoken for.

8/10

#review #doctor who #doctor who review #dw

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silke-doomflare · 4 years ago

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Meet the character: Ainu

BASICS

► Name ➔ “Ainu”, the tiny lalafell answers politely and bows. “Ainu Wanyuudo. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

► Are you single ➔ “What an odd question.” She eyes you up and down, her eyes slightly narrowed. “Why are you asking? Are you up to something?”

► Are you happy ➔ She rolls her eyes. “’Happy...’ One of those words I’ve never truly understood. Oh well, I guess I’m happy enough. I have a job I like and steady income... Actually I’m making the most gil of our family, apart from my mother.”

► Are you angry? ➔ Ainu smiles widely. “Funny that you asked, since I haven’t been this angry in ages. It takes quite a lot to make me angry. This certain thug tried to murder my mother not too long ago, and I’m plotting a vengeance worth of such a deed”, she states casually, like she’d be talking about weather.

► Are your parents still married ➔ “I only have my adoptive mother, and as far as I’ve understood, she prefers to stay alone. Which I, of course, perfectly understand. Romance would only be a risk and hindrance in the criminal underworld.”

EIGHT FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “Kugane. I stayed there for the first half of my life, and the second half I spent traveling and training around the far east.”

► Hair Color ➔ “Black?” she asks slightly confused, and glances upwards at her bangs. “Yep. So it’d seem.”

► Eye Color ➔ Ainu rolls her eyes again. She marches closer, looks up to you and pulls her lower eyelid slightly downwards, so that you can see the blood red orb clearly.

► Birthday ➔ “I have no clue about the exact date. I only know it’s sometimes around spring.”

► Mood ➔ “...bored. I am so... bored! You see, I was given this interesting assignment a couple of months ago, but my target has done nothing. Nothing! Either he chickened out just because he’s a coward, or somebody told him I was after him, and he chickened out because... well... he’s still a coward.” Ainu lets out a frustrated sigh. “I do know I have quite a reputation, but I wish people wouldn’t back off from the game because of it. How shameful. One should finish what one starts.”

► Gender ➔ Ainu raises her eyebrows. “Seriously, have you considered glasses?”

► Summer or winter ➔ “Summer absolutely. Working is easier in summer. No footprints.”

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “Afternoon. Most of my work consists of night shifts, and I’m more of a night owl anyway.”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ She snorts and looks at you scornfully. “I don’t think I’ve ever experienced any kind of love. I grew up in an environment where such a thing didn’t exist. Besides, as far as I’ve been observing people around me, who are in love, it seems more like a nuisance than something worth pursuing.”

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “I don’t believe in love at all.”

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ Ainu lets out a frustrated sigh. “It should be obvious at this point, but I have never had that kind of relationship. First of all: I would be insane if I let another person that close to me. And secondly: even if such a miracle happened, it would eventually fail, because the other party couldn’t handle everything a pact like that with me would bring with it.”

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ “I think I... maay have broken my mother’s heart at some point. She’s been trying so hard to save me. Though, I’m not quite sure what she’s trying to save me from. She should know by now that I’m not one of those people who need saving.”

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “Commitments? Do you mean my pacts with my customers? No, I’m not afraid of commitments. If I had to name one of those few things in this messed up world I find meaningful, it would be my reputation and bringing honor to the shinobi who trained me.”

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Do hugs received from others count as me hugging them? They do? Then I’ve been hugged, yes.”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “If I have, I’m not aware of it. However, in theory it could be entirely possible. People - well, mostly my family - keeps telling me how cute I am, so I wouldn’t be surprised if others would’ve noticed my charm as well.”

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “Hm. You nosy little cockroach just had to remind me, just for the sake of some interview? ...yes, I have broken my own heart. By believing that if I just was a good girl, she’d love me. If I just tried hard enough, I’d eventually gain her acceptance. And after she had left, I kept believing she’d come back for me. I wasted too many years telling lies to myself. Should’ve realized sooner the only living thing you can trust is yourself.”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ "Lust. Not that I’d be interested in it, but definitely lust rather than love. I think I already made my opinion about love clear earlier, yes?”

► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ “Iced tea, absolutely. I don’t know about you people here, but we drink quite a lot of tea in the east - both hot and cold.”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “Cats. In general, I don’t like animals, but the less trouble they are the more I could say I like them. Besides, do you have any idea what a pain badly trained dogs can be especially to us smallfolk?”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Ainu repeats the word ‘friend’ and sneers. “Now there’s another thing I never learned to understand. People talk about friends like they’d be a good thing. I don’t call them friends, but backstabbers. I’d rather not have any of them.”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “Wild night out - alone.” Ainu smiles charmingly.

► Day or night ➔ “At night I feel most alive. Almost everyone else is asleep, and I’m free to do whatever I want, to whoever I want.”

FOUR HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “In the beginning of my training. I wasn’t used to suddenly having so much different rules to live by, so naturally I rebelled. I couldn’t understand why my mother... - Asagi at this point - would dare to leave me there. Anyhow... I soon realized one couldn’t be a good shinobi without discipline, so I never did it again.”

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “I don’t think I have. My balance is unparalleled.”

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Love”, she answers without thinking. Right after her mouth is twisted into a slightly creepy grin. “But that was before realizing it’s not necessary.”

► Wanted to disappear ➔ “Oh, a couple of times actually, mostly back when I was still in training but had just started practicing with real targets. Not to brag, but nowadays I’m quite good at what I do. Nevertheless, even I can’t completely avoid mistakes. My area of work is one of those were mistakes will likely cost you your life. So, yes... after being sloppy I’ve had angry targets chasing me. Without my training I wouldn’t have had a chance escaping them with these tiny feets of mine.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “I don’t care about either, but if I had to choose one... smile. To be honest, I don’t like to look people in the eye. From their eyes it’s fairly easy to tell are they lying or not. It annoys me, when people are saying something, but their gaze tells they don’t mean a single word.”

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “Shorter. I hate it when people look down on me like I’d be some piece of shite they accidentally stepped on.” Ainu falls silent for a moment, and after a while, shrugs. “Then again... it’s also quite hilarious when people have to bow or kneel before me, when they want to whisper or give me something. I guess being a stump also has its’ boons...”

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔ “Attraction of course. The more intelligent people are, the more trouble they usually give me. I prefer situations where I’m the smartest one around.”

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Ainu’s unimpressed expression hints she’d probably rather watch paint dry or grass grow than talk about this kind of subjects. “Well... if I had to choose... hook-up. That wouldn’t tie me to anyone in any way. The less I have people around me the better.”

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “My current family? We get along just fine. ...Apart from some minor disagreements usually considering work and how it’s supposed to be done. Sometimes it makes me wonder would they listen to me more if I had born roegadyn instead.”

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ Ainu giggles, but there’s no genuine amusement in her voice. “Well, at least it hasn’t been normal, if that’s what you mean. It... could’ve been better. I admit seeing happy families and people having fun with their friends tend to make me somewhat bitter, even angry. But perhaps those things just weren’t meant for me. I’m capable of things those regular people are not, and I believe the Kami have bigger plans for me than some boring everyday life.”

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “No, but I probably should have.”

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Yes, and that’s the exact reason why I should’ve ran away. If I had just realized sooner what was going on... But meh... I guess it’s unreasonable to expect a five-year-old or younger to understand your parent is actually a piece of filth you would be better without.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Ainu lets out a frustrated sigh. “Since you seem to be unable to grasp the concept of not having friends, I’m just going to answer your friend-related questions by using my family members instead. Does that sound good? Good.”

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ Ainu pouts while shifting her hands behind her back. “Mostly. My adoptive sisters are both as... tolerable as siblings can be, I think. I’m not so sure about Bella, though, and what she’s going to do with her life. Same with my aunt, Silke. Those two are the only law-abiding citizens of our family - as far as I know at least - so that kind of forces me to keep my eye on them. If a betrayal were to happen, they’d be my main suspects.”

► Who is your best friend ➔ “Aya”, Ainu answers without a moment of hesitation. “If I had to name one thing I truly appreciate in people - besides not stabbing me in the back, obviously - it would be their ability to return my friendly bantering and not get offended by it.”

► Who knows everything about you ➔ Ainu smiles sunnily, before answering: “No one. Though mother is probably quite close to it.”

#ffxiv #ffxivrp #ffxiv rp #final fantasy xiv #dunesfolk lalafell #meet the character #ainu wanyuudo #character info

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mcrmadness · 4 years ago

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I'm again making myself to ponder things when I should sleep. I have made a couple of posts where I say I might be aplatonic (as I'm already aroace) but the more I google it, the less I understand. The meaning seems to change based on who you're asking from. Tumblr is full of posts that say a) aplatonic is when you don't desire a queerplatonic relationship or so OR b) when you don't want to have friends.

Then I'm finding terms platonic love and platonic attraction. Some sources say there's no such thing as platonic ATTRACTION, then some sources say it's when you just see someone (random) and want to be their friend. Most sources say you define the whole difference between platonic and everything else yourself and that no one can give a simple answer to it because it's different and individual for everyone.

And then there's "squishes" aka platonic crushes. I don't understand this either. I think somewhere it was explained as wanting to be just the most important person in someone's life and that the feeling is mutual with said person. Somewhere it was the person you want to be in a QPR with. Somewhere it was called as a "friend crush" ans I've used this word only about when I see a new interesting looking person and think to myself "oh I wonder how would it be like their friend???" and apparently it's not what a squish is..? And I don't understand what is it, then.

So I'm here just like ???????????? because I just wanted to read how do people experience platonic love so that I could compare my feelings or lack of them to theirs to know if I'm even capable of it. For a moment I thought maybe I'm demiplatonic but if it's not an attraction but more like a very strong type of a friendship... I just don't know anything anymore.

I really dislike the word "love" anyway. The Finnish version is even stronger and I think I stopped using it when I was less than 10 years old, as I started to understand more about things. I don't understand the concept nor what it feels like. Which is why it's so hard for me to figure out if I'm capable of platonic love or not. Because I don't have anything to compare it to. I use "love" only when I talk about things or animals, or human made things like bands, but I never use it about humans and never say it to anyone, not even to animals (I don't even e.g. kiss animals ever despite really loving animals). Even when I say I love a band, I mean I love the band that just happens to be made by humans but I don't say I'd love the humans in that band. I love the concept and the concept only, and what the people behind it do.

I do enjoy deep friendships and emotional intimacy and some friendships are deeper than others and it's very rare to find such deeper ones. Which is why I started wondering if it's "demiplatonic" in action here since I don't get too sentimental with people too easily, and even then if I do, it's very rare and afterwards I might still start regretting and feeling like I let out too much and wish I had a way to push all those words back in. As when I'm not feeling sentimental, they make me embarrassed and weirded out, but if I do feel sentimental, it makes me feel really good if I for chance also say something instead of being my normal "cold-hearted" self. I'm actually sensitive and sensitive, I just hide it very well. Partially it's also my adhd, me getting excited and not being able to contain myself plus I tend to mirror people. Deeper friendships are usually a result of the friend doing or saying something that makes it deeper for maybe both because I am a coward and socially awkward and don't know how to do that or sometimes might do so accidentally without realizing it and then I worry if I was too much and if I went too far just because I don't always get social cues and hidden rules.

But also - me not knowing what platonic love feels like might just be lack of experience. I don't really have friends to meet and I've never been too close with those friends who are not blood-relatives; and with online friends it's possible to form really deep friendships too but you still can't know how would it be to hang out for longe periods of time together. I have had online friends who were basically some of ny best friends until I met them in person and it didn't click as much as it did online. Online friends are important but the fantasy in your head is pure fantasy based on interaction over internet but it might be totally different from the reality because you don't know the other person's quirks and other habits that are present only when you are physically in the same space.

***

Talking of those attraction things and whatnot, I kinda divided these all into a few categories for myself, for my personal use, to help myself understand the concepts better. Here's what I think of them and if it's an attraction, do I experience it?

Sexual attraction: I'm asexual and can't fully even understand what it's supposed to feel like so nope, I don't feel this. I'm also sex-repulsed.

Romantic attraction: I'm aromantic too, look at previous answer.

Sensual attraction: I'm touch-repulsed, and also have never felt this kind of attraction ever either.

Aesthetic attraction: I do feel this one! I just wanna observe and watch from afar because they please my eye. I don't necessarily desire to even befriend them, they just look nice.

Platonic attraction: If it exists, I think this is my type of a "friend crush" where I just see interesting looking person and feel like I wanna get to know them and be their friend.

Platonic love: I don't know. If it's possible to use same terms of this, then I think it might be possible to be demiplatonic. Meaning that it needs a strong emotional bond before anything.

Then there's all these other relationships things mentioned and I don't desire any kind of relationship, not even a queerplatonic one. I do kinda like the idea of "the mutual best-of-the-best friend" but mainly because of my fear of abandonment and how I always feel I'm left alone when allo(romantic)s find spouses and I'm not looking for a partner. I don't want wvwna commune, I want to live alone in my own space without sharing anything with anyone else. I'm also touch repulsed like I said there so any kind of even friendly physical intimacy is (most likely) out of question. I let people hug me if they want to and if they make it short, but I'm never gonna be the one to place a finger on anyone at first, in fact I have never answered hugs, they confuse me too much and touching is either too overwhelming because of sensory issues or maybe I have social anxiety related traumas from school, I don't know.

I still don't know what a squish is. I do hyperfixate on people but it's hard to say if it's just ADHD or an actual "squish", since it's mostly that I just can't stop thinking about someone and talking with them makes my day always but that's all. Sometimes it makes me feel bad because I don't like hyperfixating on people. I mean, literally I DO like it because dopamine~ but I just have a bad conscience because I don't want my brain to think people are just free sources of dopamine. And it's kinda annoying because can't talk with a person 24/7 because THEY'RE A LIVING ORGANISM WITH A WILL OF THEIR OWN and hyperfixating on something like a video game makes much more sense and is less frustrating because people always leave and I'm left with hyperfixation/hyperfocus I can't fill but a video game will never say they have to go and I can play it for 12h in a row if I really desire to.

But yeah, let's see if this cleared up any thoughts for me...

#mcrmadness' deep thoughts #long post #human relationships are hard #Nice it's almost 9am again -> me to sleep

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

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Grossest thing you’ve seen in a bathroom? pee, poop and blood mixed with vomit all over the place Do you consider your family dysfunctional? all families are toxic, more or less Do you hate people who act like everything is fine when its not? I hate those people, they both want you to leave them alone and guess, they’re annoyed with the fact you wanna know as much as you not caring about them, never satisfied, then blame everybody else, how are we supposed to act if we feel you don’t trust us enough to tell the truth? it’s your own fault! we also have problems, not everything’s about you, if you prefer to kill yourself than speak up, that’s your choice but it means you’re a coward, I’m tired of that behavior

Ever had a body piercing ripped out? never had a piercing so I’m lucky not to be bullied this way

Can you sew/croshet/knit? I know basics but I have no patience so it’s not my hobby Do you put the cap back on the toothpaste after using it? of course :o Have you shot off a firework? never, it’s dangerous, I prefer to look and from afar Are you offended when you see women breast feeding? no

Do you hate when people keep things from you? if we’re close then sure Can you multitask? I can XD

*działam na dwa fronty, boobs, albo na tyłach* Are you too sensitive? hypersensitive Who wears the pants in the relationship? who wears the socks and cowboy hat tho?

If you were given three things to make you happy, what would these be? health, money and no worries How would you rank the following in importance: family, career, love life? family and love life then career as I’m not interested in it

Which would you prefer: having a baby without a partner or a partner without a baby? partner without a baby but tbh it would be better to raise a baby without a partner if I decided to have a kid (I don’t want children though) as there wouldn’t be disagreements on how to nor risk of arguments and then divorce in general which would be super hard for the little one

Do you think God is real, and why? sigh...

Do you believe in giving people second chances, and why? rarely as it’s like putting your hand into fire hoping it will be cold this time, people usually change for worse - not better Do you think people fall in love because the right person has arrived, or because the time is right (regardless of whom the person is that they fall in love with)? because of other reasons usually as I wouldn’t call their relationships LOVE, they’re just desperate, scared of being lonely How important is trust in a relationship? I don’t think I can trust someone completely but still it’s very important to me to trust them as much as I am capable to - if I can’t trust them at all then it won’t work How do you feel about infidelity? it makes people feel like they’re not enough and they also get paranoid later, it causes trauma, person who was cheated on will always be afraid to trust another human being in case someone “better” will show up, nobody is perfect but it’s better if you break up than do smth romantic or sexual behind your partner’s back, nobody deserves it, if you can’t be with one person only then either do open relationships or polyamory or just don’t commit to anyone - one night stands or something - infidelity is caused by wanting more and being impulsive, liking adrenaline, risky behavior, you are some sort of an abuser, not just a liar, because you’re hurting someone who’s supposed to be closest to you, intoxication isn’t an excuse, if you can’t keep it in your pants when you’re drunk then don’t drink too much or publicly - simple as that, love is a promise and you’re breaking it for fun, someone said today that it’s like checking if another branch will snap while still holding another - sounds careful but that’s not the point - it’s just that you should sit on it (stability) instead of jumping trees after you already commited to one of them and made a nest on it, you will break all of the branches (other people) and you will end up on the ground anyway - alone, who wants to be with a cheater? honestly - rapist will always stay rapist even if he won’t rape again and so is the cheating person - they might change but fear will always be a part of their partner for sure, dating is like a competition for many, trying until you find the best match, always looking around, never warming up to anyone in case there’s a better opportunity, constant game that make us anxious, showing off you’re the best player among all and... you actually are a player in both of this word’s definitions, sadly What quality in a person do you fall in love with? it’s not a single separate thing but someone whole I believe, I tried to explain that to myself but it’s very hard, there are some traits I might like more, go for, see as necessities but I’m unable to list them for now - maybe later/someday Do you find it difficult to admit that you are wrong, and why? I am - I don’t care about winning, I want truth and justice, I prefer to be right but without admitting I’m wrong that can’t happen Which would you prefer in a romantic partner: a dreamer or an achiever? dreamer, I dislike overly ambitious and workaholic people What do you think are the two things that prevent people from realizing their dreams? money issues and health problems or time

So the world is dying to know the longest you’ve ever been on an airplane. 0 hours

Speaking of airplanes, can you sleep on them easily or no? no idea

So if I were to touch the place you last itched, would it be awkward? sorta

Have you ever come close to drowning? it was close in my opinion

Is the window in this room currently open or closed? closed

Is your phone fully charged right now? it is indeed

If you gave yourself a symbol (ex: star) to represent you, it would be…? not sure

Combine your two favorite animals. What kind of animal do you get? raccoon + elephant?

If I gave you a box of chocolates, which would you hope to get? I prefer something else than a box of chocolates

Have you ever caught your clothes on fire before? omg luckily not

Are you any good at improv? been told

Do you have any special handshakes with friends? I don’t have... friends :x

Are you better at writing fiction or nonfiction? I’m good at both but I prefer fiction

How many times does the letter ’t’ occur in your full name? once

Last song you heard? Crystal Castles - Suffocation Reason you last threw up? meds withdrawal How many pairs of flip flops do you own? zero Do you ever pick up pennies for good luck? I pick up all coins that I find and give them to my dad Something you wear all the time that you’d feel naked without? panties

If you have younger siblings, how old were you when your siblings were born? not applicable Would you ever pick up gum from the ground and eat it? hell no Have you ever gotten stitches? nope

Think back to the last thing you drank. Did you drink it using a straw? I didn’t Is the sun shining? it’s almost midnight Where did you go today? shopping Have you ever taken a survey while under the influence of drugs or alcohol? I don’t drink or take illegal drugs Where will you be in an hour? in my bed Is anyone irritating you? not atm unless I can count myself Have your parents ever threatened to throw your things away because your room was messy? sorta Is your shirt pink? it’s mostly white Are you going to do more surveys? it’s late and I’m commited to finish this one Who is the most complicated person in your life right now? ... me? Have you ever video chatted with someone you met online? yep Are you hungry or thirsty right now? thirsty Do you own a pair of gumboots? eww, gross Have you ever worked somewhere where you had to clean the toilets? I might Do you rate people’s attractiveness on a scale of 1-10? rating 1-10 is very hard for me Is there anything that you could cry about right now? shitload of reasons When was the last time you used Facebook? today like every other day Do you have a PO Box or does your mail get sent straight to your house? our house How many vowels are in your street name? 4 Did you share baths with your siblings/cousins when you were a child? I did not Have you ever been a member of an online dating site? couple Do you know what your neighbours even look like? obvi Do you put ketchup on your fries? yuk

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? uh oh I should check that in my photo album in pics from middle school

Is your dream job attainable? they ain’t

Have you read a newspaper today? we don’t buy/read newspapers

Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow? I’m done with school and am unemployed

Have you ever been to a drive-in theatre? no

Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? guitar

Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? camp

Do you live with your parents? still

Are there any embarrassing school pictures of you anywhere in your house? there are

What moment in your life have you been most scared? constantly now last half year

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? long story

Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I make them but barely ever

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? computer

Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? prefer them to cook for me

How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? hope that this will happen soon

Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? I need one

Have you ever ripped your pants in public? even recently

Have you ever thought someone was talking to you, but it turned out they were on the phone? Did you play it off? possibly

Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? can we not talk about it?...

Who was the last person you slow danced with? my gf

Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? often, nothing as I’m disabled

Do you say ‘like’ a lot? used to

Do you scream out the answers while watching game shows on TV? at times I did

Do you ever go into photobooths? yay!

What bill do you hate paying the most? I’d hate paying rent as it’s idiotically high

What’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner? everywhere can be romantic with a right person

What was your first car? none yet

Favorite guilty pleasure? personal

What celeb do you think resembles you best? basing on look? Cole Sprouse or Maisie Williams but with Juno Temple body

Who from high school would you like to run in to? hmm...

Start a new career or relationship? just get a job as I’m taken

Are any of your toes connected? I don’t have webbed toes

What was the last thing you dreamed about? running from the police... w klapkach

What color is your bedroom carpet? no carpet Have you ever had a black and white cat? all black Would you rather have an STD or share a bed with Michael Jackson? life chose for me and honestly this is probably the first time I’m happy about it Do you have any wallpaper in your house? I wish How many pairs of underwear do you own? lots of panties but not enough bras Who was your primary/elemantary school’s most popular girl? E.O. and A.M. Would you like to learn to play the harp? meh Are your feet ticklish? very and I hate that Do you have a black dog? it’s partially black Who has the prettiest toes, that you know of? feet are disgusting What’s your least favorite season? winter

Do you enjoy walks? sure Can you roll your tongue? I can Would you eat a live spider for one million dollars? gimme Would you forgive someone for cheating? hard to tell Have you seen A Clockwork Orange? not interested Do you like to read? occasionally re you a grumpy person? often Do you like cotton candy? never tried and don’t wanna Rap or pop? pop What’s the weirdest flavor of ice cream you’ve tried? rose, amazing! Love or lust? love Do you remember lyrics easily? am I the only one who don’t? :(

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quietseraphim · 6 years ago

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Dream a Little Dream of Me

My first BTS fic ever! Cross-posted on AO3

(I promise there’s a read-more link, sorry if it doesnt show up on mobile)

Pairing: Kim Namjoon X Reader

Genre: Drama, Angst, Fluff

Tags: Idol!RM Student Teacher!Reader. Soulmate AU, meeting in dreams. There’s a decent amount of cursing in this, just a heads up.

Summary: There are old wives tales about dreams and what they can mean. There are also stories of dreams that you can share with your soulmate, dreams where even if you're not together, you can still comfort each other when you need it most.

What happens if your soulmate is not only on the other side of the planet? But they're also international icons?

Chapter: 1 2

Ao3 Link

Please be sure to like it here on Tumblr or give me some Kudos on Ao3!

Also: my inbox is always open, any and all constructive criticism is welcome as well as questions/regular comments on the fic! Enjoy!

There were a lot of old wives tales about dreams, from the idea that a dream about your teeth falling out meant an unexpected rainfall of money, to the idea that dreams are visions of your past life. But there are also tales of dreams that feel so real that when you wake up, you feel empty inside. Dreams that felt so real that you could feel the warmth of the other person’s body long after they were gone. People would say all kinds of things, from writing them off as sex dreams or even going so far as to say it was a ghost. And in a way it was true, but according to others, these particular dreams were a snap of connection between soulmates. That they would connect when they needed each other the most. But like everything, this could be flawed; even if by some miracle that a pair would be alive at the same time, a pair of soulmates could be on opposite sides of the world where their sleeping patterns would never cross, each having to live out this life without their other half. In cases like these, they’d have to wait to meet in a different timeline where fate and the universe would be kinder. Fluff pieces would be written in newspapers, smattered between the stories of politics and murder to make people feel better. The pair would talk about how their dreams connected for months before finally meeting in person and falling in love. Most readers wouldn’t read too much into it, and no one really believed in soulmates.

~~*~~

It was a reoccurring dream that always left me feeling empty inside once I woke up. It was a simple thing, more a feeling than a dream, but the weight of having someone’s arms around my waist, their face pressed against my own, their breath tickling my neck, a feeling of having someone there when they weren’t, it’s a hard feeling to shake when it felt so real.

My eyes fluttered awake as the last remnants of my dream were swept away by the harsh light of the afternoon sun, groaning I slowly propped myself up, checking my watch. The LED screen read 5:24 pm, my impromptu nap had only been little over an hour, work was more stressful than usual. I stretched my arms above my head and heaving another heavy sigh, I flopped back onto my pillows, please let me continue that dream I prayed silently closing my eyes...After a minute or two after just laying with my eyes closed, I let out a huff, whatever hold on that sleep had on me was gone and now there was no chance of falling back into the dream. The dream that always felt so so real.

It happened every once in a while, the connection, but it always happened at random times, which basically told me that if soulmates were a thing, then my soulmate lived on the other side of the planet, or at the very least, had an odd sleep schedule. After every dream, I felt more refreshed and energized than before (though that could have been an after-effect of the nap itself).

If I was being honest with other people, I don’t think soulmates existed, it seems too improbable, too impossible that there was someone out there in the world who is my perfect match, who was my partner for life, romantic or otherwise.

But then again...the hopeless romantic in me firmly believed in it, believed that I had made the connection, if only for a split second. There were so many afternoon naps that I woke up from with the feeling of arms around my waist and a nose nuzzled in my hair. These feelings/dreams would only happen when I was super exhausted or emotionally drained, either because of how work/school went or because my depression came in a wave that crashed over me, making it hard to even see straight. It was especially on those days that I needed the comfort that came with the connection dreams.

I’ve basically resigned myself to the fact that the connection dreams will never happen when I need them to, that I’ll never be asleep at the same time as my soulmate (for longer than 20 minutes anyway), and that I’d never meet my soulmate. Until finally, it happens and the phantom feeling of arms around me develops into something more.

Until one night it happens.

I was struggling to open my apartment door, I had so much shit in my hands and I was so fucking tired from the shit-show of a day. As soon as I finally got in, I kicked off my heels, practically falling over myself. I threw down my lunch bag, backpack, purse, basically everything. I pulled out my phone from my pocket and as I fumbled to check my emails, it fell. And that was it. I stared at my phone on the floor and all of a sudden tears started welling up in my eyes. I started breathing heavier and faster and I just let myself fall to the floor, sobs wracking my body. I have no idea how long I stayed on the floor for, or why I was really in the middle of a breakdown. Yeah, work had been shit, the students I had were even worse than usual, but it wasn’t so different than any other day. But then again I was just so tired, I hadn’t been getting enough sleep lately, or come to think of it water or food. Financial struggles were such a burden and apparently, after months of the anxiety and depression bubbling up it finally spilled over.

Heaving a sigh, I dragged myself off the floor and stumbled to my room, too exhausted in all aspects to do anything other than just flop onto my bed. I rolled over and grabbed the stuffed sea otter plush I got at the aquarium, hoping it would help me feel better, closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

As soon as I fall asleep, I feel that familiar weight settle over the curve of my waist. I sigh and push myself back a bit into their warmth. Thank god you’re here, please don’t leave anytime soon I say. I don’t expect any response, why would I? It’s been months of on and off connection dreams and usually, I can feel them for, at most, 20 minutes and even then the time flies and I never say anything. I don’t know why I said anything to begin with anyway. But as soon as the words leave my mouth, whoever is holding me, they stiffen, and then a pit settles in my stomach as I realize, oh shit, they can hear me.

Is this actually happening? Comes a voice from behind, soft but husky, it almost makes me shiver, the feeling of their breath against the nape of my neck, are we actually dreaming together right now? Oh god, how I want to turn around, to see them, but I’m terrified. Not of them, but I’m so afraid any sort of movement will wake me up, or worse, that I'll turn around and it’ll be a normal dream. Not a connection dream, and goodness knows I couldn’t handle anything like that right now with my state of mind. And so...I just stay quiet. After all, there’s no actual rulebook on how this sort of thing works. Relishing in their warmth in their presence, after all, I’m half-expecting one of us to wake up at any point and all I want to do is feel comforted. They sighed, I guess you’re not really here and I am dreaming. Or maybe I need you more than you need me, but whatever the reason, I’m glad I finally get to hold you for just a bit longer. His voice is soft but almost sad, tinged with such a longing that sends a pang through my heart.

Alright, so it’s definitely not a regular dream, if it was a regular dream, something wild would have happened by now, and I don’t think I would be able to dream up such a wonderful voice. But I still can’t bring myself to turn around just yet, so I just let out a soft breath, and he pulls me closer and nuzzles his nose into the back of my neck.

When I wake up the next morning, I honestly don’t remember anything other than a soft white light, the feeling of warmth and a soft voice.

The next time it happens is a few days later, and I still don’t say anything, the fear of waking up rendering me basically incapable of doing anything other than burrowing further into their warmth.

This time though, he doesn’t just stay quiet, he starts to talk to me, I wonder if you can hear me, if you’re ignoring me, or if you’re as scared as I am? He laughs a bit, maybe if you knew who I was you would be scared, but I hope not. He keeps talking, mostly nonsense but when I wake up the next morning, I remember more of it, the “image” of the dream becoming sharper.

And so it goes on for a while, each night learning more about him when he talks. He’s always pensive, always wondering out loud what I’m like, what I’m thinking about.

Because it keeps happening, now he knows that I am there but he’s understanding of my silence.

One night he brings up the idea that they aren’t actually speaking the same language (or is it thinking? Since it’s happening in our heads). Even though I hear him in my own native language, he apparently is thinking/talking to me in another language, I wonder if you don’t talk to me because you don’t understand Korean, or maybe you do?

Each night I learn more and more, it feels almost unfair that he’s telling me all this and that I’m too much of a coward to say anything. I learn he likes music and when he runs out of things to talk about, he starts singing softly or rapping depending on his mood. He’s good at both, but I prefer his singing voice, may not be the best, but that makes me feel better. Makes him more human to me. The nights after he sings to me, I always try to remember the melody, it’s familiar, but then as the day goes on I forget more and more of it.

I learn that he has a big family, always telling me stories about his big brothers and little brothers, all the silly antics they get into.

I also find out that he’s here for a short time. Here being the area/zone/whatever that lets them connect basically every night. Now, our dreams connect I’m actually sleeping, not napping like the first few times.

With each night and each dream, I start to communicate more. I’m still paranoid that it’s a regular dream and that I’ll wake up (the logical side of me thinks all this is just a wine-induced dream) so I still don't respond verbally to him, but I do nod or shake her head. I always adjust myself to be more comfortable in his arms.

With each dream comes more vivid memories the next morning, where before, when it all first started, I would remember nothing, just a comforting presence, now she can see more of him as well.

Each morning, the first thing I do is scour the internet looking for more information on soulmates, dreams, connections, and each time I find the same thing, “reports inconclusive”.

Two months after we start connecting more frequently, things change.

I’m leaving soon, we had just been lying together in the white space that is our shared dream space.

As soon as I hear this, my brain kicked into overdrive and the worst possible things flew past my mind. I guess when I was imagining the worst case scenario (which at the moment was that he was in a coma or something and that they were gonna pull the plug and I’d have to live my life alone) I tensed up or froze. I could feel him laugh, I humphed and he pulled me closer, rubbing circles with his thumb against my side, �� I’m okay, I’m perfectly healthy, but I am leaving this area. I relax a tiny bit, but before I let myself relax completely, I wait for him to go on, I’m going back to Korea, which means we won’t be able to connect as often his voice becomes serious and sad. I don’t even know where you are, for all I know we could be across the country from each other right now, or even in the same city. His voice falls silent and I reach for the hand that is rubbing circles on my waist and interlace my fingers through his.

I don’t know how long we stay like that, silent, but I know it’s now or never. Finally, I talk to him, I’m going to miss this. I have to resist the urge to laugh because I can almost the surprise radiating off him, I’m sorry I haven’t said anything until now, I say rushing through my words so I can explain, I was afraid this wasn’t real, that this was just a regular dream, but then when I knew that it wasn’t a regular dream...I didn’t know when to start, I liked hearing your stories, hearing you sing. I let out a bitter laugh, that and I’m an awkward coward who didn’t know when the right time to talk was.

His body behind her relaxes as he snorts, I think you may be one of the few who like when I sing, people usually praise me for my rapping.

I huff, I love your voice … Oh fuck. I freeze, I don’t know where we are and I have to go and say that stupid four-letter word??? Fuck!

As I’m in the middle of my freak out I can feel his smile on the back of my neck and he pulls me a little closer, well if old wives tales are to be believed we are soulmates, of course you’re gonna love my voice, he teases and he tightens his hold on my waist.

We stay like that for a bit longer, a small pit of dread sitting in our stomachs as we hold onto each other, not knowing if I would wake up soon or if he would, if our dream would end soon.

What do you see when you look at me? He asks suddenly, breaking the silence, well, when you see my arm anyway he says pulling his hand away from mine and waving it around.

I snort at the silly motion, All I see is fuzzy white all around, the only thing that’s clear is you I answer, reaching out and lacing my fingers between his again, what do you see?

The same thing, he says, I see your hair, your arms and shoulders, he falters a bit, If this is the last time we connect, I want to see your face.

My brain short-circuits as he continues hurriedly, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

I don’t say anything, I just slowly unlace our fingers, before I can say anything I can feel him starting to pull away, but before he can let the distance get any bigger I quickly grab his arm, close your eyes, I say.

He nods and swallows hard. I can’t read his mind, but I can tell he’s almost too unsure of his own voice.

He squeezes my hand and I know he has his eyes closed. I take a deep breath and close my eyes too. I shift in the space to face him, my hands finding a place on his chest. I freeze for a split second, his chest a lot more broad than I was expecting. I shake my head a teeny bit and take another deep breath.

One, I start

Two, he continues

Three, we whisper together opening our eyes, for the first time seeing each other fully.

Holy shit, I don't know if I say it out loud or if I’m just thinking it (though in this case, what’s the difference?). The man in front of me, the one who I’ve had essentially been sleeping with for the better part of two months, was international star Kim Namjoon, RM of BTS.

In my state of shock, there’s a sudden snap and the dream connection is severed. I sit up quickly, back in my own lonely bed in my own lonely apartment. My hand comes up to clutch at my throat, chest heaving with rapid breaths. Shit shit shit okay, slow down, the last thing I need is to have a fucking panic attack I go through my usual routine of calming my panic attacks, but I’m in too much shock and I start to hyperventilate tears blurring everything around me, of-fucking-course the universe would not only give me a soulmate who lives halfway around the fucking world. But it had to top it off with them being a fucking International star, a fucking idol! Fuck! The more rational part of my brain was going through all the scenarios and it came up with the same conclusion over and over, if it all was real and not some elaborate dream, it wouldn’t matter anyway, it was well known that it was near impossible for idols to date anyone, let alone a fan.

Too afraid to fall back asleep, to reconnect in their dreams, I stay up the rest of the night, alternating between cursing the universe and all the gods and beings I can think of, and crying until I’m numb, aching to be held by him again. To letting myself imagine all the scenarios where, by some miracle, that we could find a life together, where we could be happy and have a family together.

~*~

Miles away, Namjoon was going through the same rollercoaster of emotions. As soon as he woke up, he basically hurled himself out of his hotel bed over to the desk and opening up his laptop. Logging into Twitter, he spent the rest of the night poring over every single account of every single person who had ever liked, commented, retweeted anything they had posted. Desperate to see a picture of her, see a glimpse of her. She recognized me right?? So she knows who I am, she could be a fan or something. That singular thought kept him going as he checked account after account, trying to push away the ugly thoughts, the thoughts that were almost angry that if she had just talked to him all those times they had connected, that he could have found her, that he could have seen her for more than a split second before their connection was cut off.

He stayed at that desk until dawn finally broke, until he finally had to close his laptop and load into a car that would take him to a plane that would take him far far away from his soulmate.

#BTS fic #bts fanfic #BTS #BTS x reader #RM #RM fic #RM fanfic #Dream a Little Dream of Me #my writing #my words

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londoninjune · 8 years ago

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There are some things I need to say.

I’ve been in this fandom since 2012. The moment I finished watching The Reichenbach Fall I went in search of fandom and happened upon tumblr. One of the first things I stumbled upon was an interview with Martin and Ben. They had done the interview during the filming of ASiB. In the interview the journalist asked Ben and Martin if John and Sherlock would ever be romantically involved. The journalist recorded that Martin and Ben both laughed at his question and said emphatically, ‘no. John and Sherlock were just friends and that’s all they would ever be.’

I remember being heartbroken about this. I talked to other fans about it. They all encouraged me to ignore it and just enjoy the fandom. Ships can still be shipped whether they become canon or not. I had already experienced that several times in my life. So I kept calm and carried on...

Through the years there have been many quotes from everyone involved in the show concerning the relationship between John and Sherlock. In every quote, they re-iterated that John and Sherlock were nothing more than friends. Sometimes nicely, sometimes harshly.

One of the more famous instances was during the filming of TSoT. The fandom was in an uproar about John and Mary getting married. They sent angry tweets to Sue and Mark and Steven (who used to have his own twitter back then). Ian, Mark’s husband, tweeted that he couldn’t believe people still wanted John and Sherlock to get together. That it would never happen in this show. Amanda chimed in, commenting that some fans were delusional.

Some of the fandom left after that. Some left after The Empty Hearse aired. They saw the writing on the wall the moment John and Sherlock’s much anticipated ‘reunion’ was far from gushy or emotional. Instead it had been turned into mostly a joke. Sherlock pretends they’re about to be blown up to find out if John has forgiven him. John calls him a cock, they laugh it off. Bro things.

Some of the fans who left then are the ones who enjoyed TFP. Some of them are the ones telling us that it was an enjoyable episode, and we shouldn’t be upset at the writers. The writers told us, and we didn’t listen.

And honestly, they’re right. Well, not entirely right. They can’t make us enjoy the TFP, but the writers did tell us, and we didn’t listen.

A lot of fans who joined the fandom post s3 were drawn in by a little movement called TJLC. TJLC was formed as a direct backlash from both the disappointment of season 3, and the above mentioned quote from Ian on twitter. One of the original creators of TJLC even talked to Ian on the computer in response to her enraged letter to him.

This movement of conspirators coped with their anger and disappointment by creating TJLC. The members of this community’s main battle cry was ‘they’re lying liars’ don’t believe a word they say.

From then on out everyone chose not to listen to anything Mofftiss or anyone else involved in making BBC Sherlock had to say. They also buried every single quote pre- season 3 under a pile of ‘they’re lying liars!’

But they told us, and we didn’t listen.

I did listen, and I knew going into season 4 that johnlock would not happen.

Still, I got my hopes up. Why? Partly because as much as I avoided TJLC, they still brainwashed me into thinking johnlock could possibly happen. And I’m not blaming them, I am in charge of myself and my own thoughts, they didn’t force me to see things their way. But when you spend a large chunk of your day on tumblr looking at gifs of only 35% of the show (if someone were to actually isolate the parts of the show that are exclusively John and Sherlock I bet it would only be 35%) then you stop looking at it objectively and you start seeing only johnlock, and nothing else. And Martin and Ben do have chemistry. A lot of chemistry. It’s hard NOT to see. But it’s still only a portion of the show. And to top that off, when people start reading into things that aren’t there, like drink codes, and M theory, and elephants, it’s easy to get disillusioned. And one of the creators of TJLC is a lawyer. They know how to skillfully compile a huge mound of ‘evidence’ supporting an idea (even if the idea is just that: an idea.)

But what happens when a movement that was entirely based on the theory that TPTB are ‘lying liars’ learns that TPTB weren't actually lying?

A huge part of the fandom hated TST because Mary turned out to be a saint. What did TPTB say after HLV? That Mary wasn’t trying to kill Sherlock, that she was repentant, that she actually liked Sherlock. Did anyone listen to them? No. Because we were told that TPTB were lying liars. Turns out they weren’t.

What conclusion can we come to after watching season 4? That they weren’t actually lying to us. That they never intended to ‘go there.’ John and Sherlock were always good friends, just as they had always said. Then what exactly (you may ask) was groundbreaking about the show? What was it they set out to do that had never been done? I think it was to tell John and Sherlock’s story from the beginning. To show them younger, and broken, and to make them into the men they become in the ACD stories. That’s my assumption anyways. They obviously had their own definition of ‘groundbreaking’. Just because ours was ending with johnlock doesn’t mean that was theirs.

Did we imagine things? NO. I want to be clear on this. No, we did not image things. In the early seasons Mark and Steven enjoyed playing around with the idea of johnlock. They can deny it, they can claim it was always a joke (and lets be honest for the most part it was, as messed up as that is) but I honestly think they played around with it because they saw it too. As did the editors who I’m convinced edited certain episodes with clear queer coding. And as far as Martin and Ben go, I think they just couldn’t hold back from showing their real affection for each other on their faces. They were trying to be true to the characters, and lets be real, Watson and Holmes are in love with each other no matter what power tries to say otherwise. I believe characters can have their own lives and spirits, and Ben and Martin were simply channeling John and Sherlock at times. But Mofftiss never intended to ‘go there’, they always intended for them to be ‘just friends’. Just as they told us. I think what happened is that we all stopped listening to them at one point. Started to believe they weren’t telling us the truth. But they always were.

Am I pissed off at them? Hell yes. They handled this entire thing poorly. They treated fans like trash from day one. They made assumptions about us that were never true. They chose to think of us as sex crazed women who just wanted to see two men shag. They’ve ignored our voices, and acted like misogynistic cowards time and time again. So yes, I’m angry at them, and I think they deserve to be critiqued for their sub-par writing skills, and over-the-top antics. And they should be held accountable for the way they’ve mistreated fans. But I don’t think they lied to us.

I’m just as upset as everyone else is. Even if I knew going into this that johnlock would never be canon, I had hoped for a better ending than this. Everyone will grieve in their own way. This was part of my grieving, I just had to get all of this off of my chest.

I’ll end it by saying that I hope the artists and writers keep making art. Art is so powerful. It can change and save lives, and this is the most talented fandom I’ve ever encountered. I’ll quote Carrie Fisher once again, ‘take your broken heart, and turn it into art.’ I hope everyone does just that in the days and months to come.

#s4 #tfp #johnlock #sherlock #the final problem #Moffat #Gatiss #mofftiss

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wellmeaningshutin · 8 years ago

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Short Story #100: Hypnagogic State of Death.

Written: 4/18/2017 Romantic Intermission

My grandfather has always had a metal plate in his head, and he always used to tell me, when I was a kid, that it was ‘from the war’, and then would refuse to explain any further than that. Of course, being a kid and not yet knowing about the realities of the world, I had assumed that he got it from storming some enemy camp, and killing, like, a hundred men before somebody was finally able to clip him. Sometimes I would imagine that he would walk out of the enemy camp, smoke and ruins behind him, with his injured buddy slung over his shoulder, being heroically taken to get medical assistance, before the old bastard even realized that he was shot, which he laughed about after learning. However, when I was old enough, and his mind was about to make a French exit, he eventually told me the truth of how he had gotten it, and I was shocked to hear it. First off, he was never any sort of war hero, and I guess I mainly assumed so because of the injury, and the medals, whose meanings to me were completely grounded in my own imagination. The old guy was actually working in communications when the enemy took over his base, and there was hellfire and death circling his building, preparing to come in, and so he got out his pistol, and shot himself when he saw the enemy enter the building, no desire to live as a prisoner of war. Of course, he wasn’t successful at the attempt. Somebody had gotten to him and the bullet ended up hardly even touching his brain, and just carved out a good amount of bone from his skull, which must of hurt like a mother fucker. When I asked him why he had taken the cowards way out, which now I admit was a fucking terrible question to ask him, a terrible thing to accuse him of, and am deeply embarrassed that I had said that, he replied by telling me that there was no cowardice in what he did, because most people wouldn’t have been able to pull the trigger. He told me that it was braver to end his life then, in the service, doing his job, then to go through the horrors of being in a prison camp, clinging to the hope that there will be more to it, too afraid to face death head on.

Now, I don’t really know if there’s a whole lot of truth to what he had said, but I know that most people would have trouble pulling the trigger. Hell, people would do anything just to keep on living, and it seems that everything gets a priority before suicide, like that only becomes an option unless torture, or a worse death, is present. People would eat another human being before they would let themselves die, even though if they tried to slit their wrists, or whatever form of death was available for them, they could escape their hunger by escaping life, and they could escape the psychological trauma that would follow them if they survived, the trauma that would follow them around, knowing and remembering what it was like to eat another person. How is that worse than jumping to your death, or hanging yourself? Okay, I guess I’m not somebody who is in the position to fully understand, because without having to face anything as bad as cannibalism, torture, whatever, I still wanted to kill myself. And for some reason, people don’t think that clinical depression is really as bad as those other things.

I guess I don’t really care if they share my opinions either. Maybe I am a coward. How should I know?

The first time I tried to kill myself, it was a relatively simple affair. I had written a note for anyone who would find my body, pinned it to my shirt so that it would be impossible to miss, lied down in my bathtub, and then slit my wrists, horizontal cuts, and waited for everything to be over. Waited for that great sleep in which I would never be able to wake up from. This is what my note said:

I don’t want to do this anymore, there is no point in sticking around. I never liked any of you anyways. Do not think that I’m just saying that because I’m depressed, and know that I really do, from the bottom of my heart, think you are all terrible people.

Leave my body in the forest. I don’t want people to use my death as an opportunity to make themselves better, as a way for people to talk about how much they loved me, or to lie about how great I was, just so that everyone could think of them as something other than a terrible person. I want my body to be dumped somewhere deep, and I hope it can make a change in some animals life. I want to give back for once.

Donate my possessions to science.

I could explain to you the context behind any of that, explain who I was referring to, and why I hate them so much, but that is unimportant right now. Why should I spend my time dwelling on the people that I hate, instead of the people that I love? I mean, I might not even come back this time. So, on the subject of the people that I love, I guess its time to mention her. Now, I don’t really know her name, I’m not sure if she even has one, but that’s all besides the point. I met her during my first suicide attempt, around the time where I had started to get pretty cold, when everything was starting to fade away. All of the sudden, she had appeared, had been sitting on the edge of the bathtub, looking down at me, and I remember I first thought that she was an EMT or somebody like that, some nosy person in the medical field that would try to save me by forcing me to continue living in agony. However, at some point I realized that she was somebody else entirely, there was something about her that made me feel… she made me feel the comfort I hoped to feel when I died. That’s the best I could do to describe her, because other than the feeling I got, there was nothing specific that I could remember, like it was as if she was one of those images you see, or voices you hear, when you’re incredibly close to falling asleep, when you’re on the border of waking and sleeping. When I see her, in person, she’s very clear, its like I remember all of the sudden and it makes a lot of sense, but afterwards she doesn’t stick in my memory, and all I can remember is the feeling that she gave me.

The first time that I saw her, we talked about something forgotten, but made me feel as if I wasn’t alone, as if there was somebody who really understood me, somebody I could genuinely connect with instead of going through the motions. I’ve gone through most of my life (or at least what feels like most of my life) feeling as if I were dead inside, as if nothing really mattered, if everything was to terrible for me to want to deal with. I mostly just wanted life to be over with, I didn’t want to have to start the next day, and when I would have to deal with every day, I would just wonder why I was bothering to try, why I would show up to my classes when I couldn’t even focus on what anyone said, why I would try talking to all of these people that I couldn’t care about, who I couldn’t be honest with, without them rejecting me, because how do you casually and honestly bring up that you wish that you were dead? And even showing, just a little bit, how I feel inside would make them just try to help me out, to find out what was wrong and make me happier, but how do you explain that there is no problem to be solved, there is nothing that’s actually wrong? How would I even be able to try to explain this without making myself worse, knowing that everything that I’m feeling is so fucking irrational, but being unable to do anything about it? So, I just had to fake my way through everything, I had to pretend and pretend, just hoping that there would be some point down the road where I suddenly wouldn’t feel horrible, where I would be able to make a connection with somebody, instead of having to listen to all of their bullshit, and, well, you get it. Life was awful, I just kind of went through the motions, the world kept spinning. Until I met her, that is. Because, even though I have no idea how we connected, why things felt so genuine, I know that there is somebody out there that I can feel that way with. She made me want to live, if only for her.

And then I woke up in the hospital, and there were my family and friends standing around me, acting concerned, asking why I did it and that whole song and dance that I was avoiding when I tried to hide my depression in the first place. And then they start fucking trying to guilt me about trying to off myself, saying that I’m ‘selfish’, or that I ‘am throwing away a good life’, but the worst part was that it wasn’t like they were berating me or anything, they just tried to pepper in those comments while they had a pissing contest about how upsetting the whole thing was, not realizing that the whole ordeal made me want to do it all over again. At some point I just stopped listening, it didn’t seem like there was any point to it, they just wanted to talk at me, to try to force their feelings down my throat, holding my hand and breaking down into tears, stuff like that, when I clearly want to be left alone, when I’m the one who tried to end his life! It reminded me of when I was a kid, and my family would celebrate my birthday by not letting me do a single thing that I wanted to do, by forcing me to deal with relatives that made me uncomfortable, by going out to a dinner that I never asked for, and never wanted, making me have a rotten day while they kept saying it was for me. ‘You’ll look back on this and you’ll realize you were wrong! You’ll be thankful that we went through all of this trouble for your birthday!’ Well, fuck you, my opinion still stands. And I’m the selfish one for wanting to die? And later, in private, my father confronts me about the note, telling me that I didn’t mean any of it, that its just the depression talking and he’s going to get me help, like he knows better, like he wasn’t… fuck. No, there’s no point in talking about these people.

The whole time that I was waiting in the hospital, I was waiting for that girl that I could hardly remember. I think I assumed that she was like a concerned neighbor or something, somebody that had seen me through a window, maybe, and came in the house and called for help. Sure, that might had been a silly idea, but it was the best guess that I had at the time, and I hoped that at some point she would come in and check on me, but she never came. I waited though, I waited for a long time, even when they thought I was able to go back home, she was the only thing that motivated me to stay alive. I think I hoped to see her in the neighborhood or something, maybe walking her dog or driving by, so I would sometimes stare out the window of my front yard, knowing that when I saw her I would recognize her, but that was all to no avail.

So, without that person I could actually connect with, feel alive with, and with all of my father’s prodding for me to finally ‘man up’, I decided to try for a second time, and tried to hang myself by my belt inside of the study. I thought it would have been funny for the son of a bitch to think that everything was figured out, that his son just needed to ‘stop being a pussy’, only to walk into the study to find me hanging there, blue in the face and dead as disco, with a note pinned to my shirt that claimed it was all his fault. It wasn’t, but apparently the previous note wasn’t enough to get the message across, and I bet he would have thrown a huge funeral service for me, the fucker. Although, I guess it was his fault in a way, since he did leave me alone.

Anyways, when I was hanging up there, my legs jerking around, not in a struggle but more in some strange, excited pre-death dance, like I couldn’t contain my excitement towards the great, beautiful void, I ended up seeing somebody standing in front of me, I think it was after I blinked. For a second, just a second, I was worried that they would try to hold me up, to keep me from being strangled, but I was able to recognize that it was her. She was kind enough to not try to save me, and even though I couldn’t tell you a word of what we said, I woke up in that hospital deeply in love with her, so it had to have been something amazing, something beautiful. However, I cannot express how painful it is to be in love with somebody you can’t even remember, it added an additional layer of pain to what I was already going through, it made me have a very, very small amount of sympathy for people with dementia. It was only a small amount because I spent a lot of time not being able to think about other people, all I could do was hate myself. I think one of the worst things I hated about myself wast the fact that I thought I had known heartache before, that I was just a whiny little bitch who pretended that he had serious problems, that he was actually going through emotional pain, but really just wanted to feel sorry for him self. This was mainly because a couple years before all of this, I was in love with a married woman, and had to deal with the frustration that came from wanting nothing but to be with her, but knowing that it was never possible, and I would beat myself up over this, angry that my heart couldn’t pick somebody that was actually an option. Now it did, but I had no clue who it was.

When you have two suicide attempts, back to back, they ignore your determination and make sure to lock you away somewhere where they’ll make sure that you’ll be forced to live. I don’t really know what to say about this period of my life, because it was really just a numb sort of blur. I was on some sort of medication that made me feel nothing, I talked to some people that said they wanted to help me out, and after a long while, I was suddenly back into the outside world. It wasn’t good or bad, it wasn’t really anything.

After this I may have become happy, I think I may be happy now, so if you find this note, don’t be too confused, just keep reading. Now, I know that this is really long, but nobody took the last two seriously, so I’m hoping that this one will finally drive the point home, especially if nobody is able to stop me this time. I really do hope that somebody will find me again, but if not this is goodbye. Sure, I have some stuff to live for, but I just can’t stop thinking about that girl, and at this point it seemed like she may have been the reason that I survived the first two, but I could be wrong on that. Hell, I hardly know what I’m talking about when it comes to her, and all I really know is that I love her, I want to be with her, and if I have to risk my life to do so, then so be it. I’ve never really been alive anyways. ———————————————————————————————————

That note was, once again, pinned to his shirt, and, just like the first time, he was lying inside of his bathtub, wrists cut, waiting for her to show up. People were home, and they would eventually get suspicious of his disappearance, his time in the bathroom, and they would eventually come in to check on him, worried, and would be able to do this without any problems, since he had left the door unlocked. Waiting, he wondered if she wasn’t going to come this time, and as time passed, the reality of his situation started to set in, and he tried to get up, blood getting all over his clothes, until he head somebody say, “Why are you doing this again?” It was a woman’s voice. He turned over and saw her face, and he knew that it was her.

“I-I had to see you. I was desperate to see you.”

“Why? I thought.. Damn it, why the hell would you want to see me?! How many times do I fucking have to explain this to you?!”

“What?”

“You can’t seriously have forgotten all over again.”

“I just, I love you. Or, I remember loving you. When I see your face now I can remember that feeling stronger, and-”

“So, that was your only reason for doing this to yourself? You’re in love with me, you just wanted to see me again?”

“Why-what’s with all of the questions? What else was I supposed to do? I-”

“Do you even remember who I am?”

“No, but I remember how I felt about you.”

“Do you remember why that was?”

“Look, can you-pleas just, can you explain to me whats making you so upset? I did this for you, I’m risking my life just to talk to you. Because of this I’m going to go back to that hospital, its going to take me forever to get out, could we just-”

“You’re so pathetic.” Her laughter shocked him, but before he could say anything, she said, cruelly, “You know what? You’re not going back to any hospital, you’re not living through this again. You have no more chances left, pal, you’ve fucked up for no good reason. No, don’t try to ask any questions, I’ll explain. I don’t have much time anyways, by the look of all of that blood.

“When we first met, I explained to you that I was, in a sense, death. Or at least an easy way for people to understand death. See, we talked for a little while, and I had a lot of compassion for you, because you never really got a chance at life, you were always unhappy, basically dead inside, so I decided to help you out. I told you how to be happy, you were found, and I thought that I would never see you again. Good deed done. Except, it wasn’t really, because you come clambering back the second time, and as you were hanging from that belt you told me about how your warm reception, and I wondered why you hadn’t tried again sooner, and once again I had some compassion. You know that feeling of love you felt for me?” He nodded. “You know why you felt that?” He shook his head. “It was because you wanted to die, that was the only reason. I don’t know how you though there was anything romantic here, because none of that ever existed, you just wanted a way out from life, you just wanted me to guide you into that numbing oblivion. And now, you throw it all away to be with me, but-”

“Oh god.”

“But-”

“Oh god, I don’t want to die.”

“Shh. Its fine, there isn’t really a god, or at least not the one that you believe exists.”

“What did I do?”

“There’s no point in struggling, you’ve dug your own grave. Its not like its going to hurt or anything, its not like you will even know it when you die. There is no reason to fight against it, because its going to happen. No matter what you try to do right now, its going to happen, because nobody is going to hear you, and you’re much too weak to do anything to save yourself.”

“There has to be, there has to-”

“You misguided boy.”

“I was, I was, I actually had a chance at happiness, but I, why did I..”

“And you threw it all away for somebody like me. You know-”

Trying his best to scream, “Somebody help me! Help!”

“-you didn’t really have a reason to feel so sad all the time before. I really did feel bad about the way that you hated yourself, but now-”

“Get me out of here, somebody!”

“-you really have a reason to hate yourself. Did you think that this was romantic? Why would you trade your happiness, and possibly your life, away for some girl you apparently couldn’t remember?”

“It was, I remember the feeling, I remember loving you so much.”

“Isn’t context everything? Isn’t it important to know why you loved me so much? You only loved me because I’m death, I was the reason why you attempted-”

“I get it! Fuck you! I get it! There’s no reason to keep, keep mocking me while I’m… Oh god.. I really fucked up. Are you sure that nobody will come for me, wont they hear my screaming?”

“You poor boy. You’re not really screaming, you know.”

“What?”

“Look at my lips while I’m talking, right now,” when she said that they did not move, they only stayed in a smile. “The same is happening for you, right now. You are much weaker than you think you are, the only words you can get out are too faint for somebody right next to you to hear. Its no more than a whimper. Sure, it feels like you’re screaming, it feels like somebody should hear you, but-”

“Fucking-”, struggling to put his cold, numb, blood soaked hand to his lips, “You have to be wrong you.. God damn it. No..”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this. These are your last moments of consciousness.”

It was becoming difficult for him to keep his eyes open, “Fuck you.”

“Would it make you feel better if I pretended to love you? Would it make your last moments any better? Would it make the fact that you are about to die any less terrifying?”

“I-I don’t, I don’t-”

“Shh”, putting a finger to his cold, still lips, “don’t worry, don’t think to hard. You don’t have enough time to think it over.” Placing his face in her hands, then kissing him on the lips, making sure to use tongue, “Did that do you any good? You’re such a great, I love you so much. Are you happy now?” It sounded as if she were holding in a laugh, “This is everything you ever wanted, you can finally be with me. I love you, don’t you love me? Tell me that you love me.”

“I, I love you”, he was able to say to her, before everything stopped.

#Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Love #Depression

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